starting over

Sick Of Being Unhappy? Find the Joy in Happiness

October 10, 2019

We strive to be happy. It’s an infinite goal for most human beings… be happy! “You’ve got your health; your family is good; be happy!” Yet most adults are not happy. Most adults are angry, depressed, and disappointed. The exact opposite of how we’re told to be in the world and how we want to feel. No matter the narrative you’ve tried to create for yourself, being happy isn’t easy. And for far too many, not being happy drives us crazy.

The standards we use to assess our happiness levels are faulty.

It’s challenging to assess happiness when we use Instagram as a marker objectively. Equally, our obsession with celebrities affects how we value our own lives. (Having been a celebrity, I can assure you, we don’t always have it all together either.) In an effort to “keep up with the Joneses,” we often measure ourselves against our neighbors whose lot in life may be very different than our own. There’s little room for acceptance or gratitude when we compare ourselves to others. Buzzwords we use to decide whether we’re sufficiently happy. Buzzwords that help us find our potential.

Being happy is not easy.

Given this backdrop of our lives, it’s a wonder anyone is ever genuinely happy. Fleeting moments can’t be taken for granted. Falling in love feels good, as does post-coital cuddling and a child’s smile. Celebrating a milestone becomes paramount, just as succeeding with any task, no matter how big. These benchmarks, however, are often few and far between actual day-to-day living. I have often wondered how happiness became so elusive and definitely think about how it can be sustained.

We are rivalrous critters and strive in competitive environments. Most of us rise to challenges and seek opportunities to improve ourselves, our financial picture, and our positions in the community. We want more. We want to tap into opportunities, dreams, and desires. I’m all for human potential! But sometimes, this effort only brings us back to comparing ourselves to our neighbors, colleagues, and those we admire, to where we’re supposed to be on an imaginary timeline. A never-ending vicious circle of comparisons. Without an alternative, we become stuck in being unhappy.

Your standard for inspiration and happiness is not the same as mine.

I struggled in my acting career, knowing there was always someone younger, thinner, and more talented than me. I auditioned for roles against movie and TV stars, and more often than not, I was the one who didn’t get the job. My career choice set me up for many unhappy days. It was really difficult to find joy in happiness. Moments when I compared my body, face, hair, and voice with those who beat me out for a role. It was a no-win situation. And a recipe for unhappiness.

I also have struggled with relationships and spent way too many days doubting who I am and what I have to offer. Sure, I’ve done my work and continue to do so, but you probably don’t want to spend time with me on my birthdays or other benchmarks on the calendar! Especially if there isn’t a handsome date on my arm.

I’ve had to move the goalposts and reassess my markers for success and happiness many times.

It had to happen, and I’m at it again. I can no longer walk around being as unhappy as I’ve been. When I took stock of my situation in NYC (single mom, older actress, living in an expensive city), I had more compassion for my choices. These were my decisions. My choices. I could accept where I was and what I had chosen to do with my life. Or not.

At a certain point, we have to know when we’ve done our best. (An excellent marker that comes from our hearts, minds, and universal beliefs instead of the environment.) Once I admit I gave it my all, no matter the results, I become happier. I stopped competing with the voices in my head and the people around me. I stopped competing, period. Happiness stopped being dependent upon the status I thought I wanted. I chose to find joy in happiness. My happiness.

Find joy in happiness unrelated to the circumstances of your life.

We cannot keep comparing ourselves to others even if we’re wired to be competitive. We have to choose to be happy, to find joy in happiness no matter what. To look inward, remain focused, and get clear. When we choose to be happy, we’re less apt to do things we don’t want. We structure our days to include things we like to do. We start to hang out with people who are fun to be around and bring out the best in us, even if that means making big decisions like leaving a city you love, a person you love, or a lifestyle that no longer serves you.

I’ve often written that “you matter.” Because you do, your happiness is yours to grab hold of and to choose to feel. We’re not victims of our circumstances or relegated to the lives we’re currently living. There’s also too much help available for us to continue feeling down, angry, or depressed. (That’s why I use Instagram.) If you are unhappy and discontent, schedule a quick call with me. Let’s move you from where you are today to where you want to be tomorrow.

The Unexpected Way To Get The Love You Want

August 28, 2019

Woman kissing a man by leaning over him is looking for love in a new relationship.

My clients want love. Usually, I get them right after the heartbreak and loss. Often it’s because of a divorce or a breakup with a significant relationship. They’re hurt, depressed, and a bit lost turning to new relationships as soon as possible. What usually happens is that new relationships end, causing more hurt. But there is an unexpected way to get the love you want and it just might surprise you!

Old habits die hard. They’re the kind of habits that caused the heartbreak to begin with. So when you’re about to jump into a new relationship, even while healing from a breakup, you may need to think twice about what you’re doing.

Build in time to re-rack, re-learn, and practice waiting for love to come to you instead of chasing it.

This is a daily practice. I know, you think everyone has these overnight sensational stories about finding love quickly and jumping into a new marriage. It happens, but the success rates vary and . These stories set you up for more pain as well so avoid them as much as possible.

Stop chasing those who do not return love.

When we glom onto new lovers expecting them to fulfill our joy and solve our lives, we set ourselves up for heart ache. I know, I’ve been there! Instead, consider finding your own joy, navigating your own day without using someone else. That’s when everything turns around and love is on the horizon again. As you put your life together again without someone else, self-confidence, hope, and optimism get put back on the table. Magic can then return to daily life.

After an important breakup, it’s worthwhile to stop and regroup.

Sure, sex is fun and lovers are important but so is your state of mind. When you start to prioritize your life and your spirit, you’ll find others gravitating towards you. Wanting you. Chasing you. Then you can decide, are they worthy to let in? After all, your life will be pretty good and they’d have to add rather than hurt you in the process.

So take care of yourself first and stop chasing those who don’t want to love you back. Let them go. You’re worth having someone want you too.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker, and advisor to those ready to move their lives forward. For empowering and practical ways to begin anew whether personally or professionally, set up a call here.

This Is The Best Way To Quit And Break Important Agreements

August 20, 2019

Another employee up and quit without warning. That’s leaving important agreements with me with no warning and no discussion. I get it, work is hard and showing up someplace you don’t want to be feels demeaning. But there is a good way to quit your job or to leave your family without losing face. In fact, the best way to break important agreements is easier than you think. And you get to go with your head held high and some grace and gratitude in your wake

When you’re done you’re done but those important agreements you made, they still carry on.

You want out. The marriage is stale, your job sucks, the neighborhood is boring, and your routine’s dull. Life can appear dreary for many. But that doesn’t mean by leaving, you’ve solved anything other than changing where you are. The expression, ‘you bring yourself wherever you go’ is so applicable in this moment.

When you quit, your important agreements are still hanging.

When you leave your family or you leave your home, the things you’re leaving still carry on. Kids need parenting, love still needs to be made, and the things that keep a family together have to continue. You may be leaving, but your family stays intact.

When you quit your job, there’s no real consequence except for the people you’re leaving. They’re the ones who have to pick up the slack. Your employee may or may not be able to quickly hire someone in your place. You may quit and leave but the work carries on.

Leave with some dignity rather than with all your emotional stuff.

When you make a career move, we’re told to be quiet about it. To interview during lunch, and not let others know before the big announcement. It’s exhausting. And it shows just how important it is to quit and leave gracefully.

When you leave with your head held high, you reap the reward.

Leaving with your dignity intact means a great deal. Your employer has invested in you. You invested in learning new skills and participated in relationships. Leaving abruptly is like betrayal. It hurts others.

If you have a conversation, offer to help find your replacement, and even train someone, you win. (Okay, perhaps not a new spouse.) But you get what I’m saying… help out your employer so that you can leave with some dignity and self-respect.

Set a good impression.

The more I work with others, the more I’m amazed at how people short change themselves the little wins in life. The chance to set a good impression. To leave with one’s head held high. An opportunity to find and train your own replacement gives you a chance to feel needed and wanted. These are important aspects of life.

When you leave a marriage after participating in therapy or telling your kids together, you know you did your best. There is nothing more important than that self-awareness, your head held high, your self-respect intact.

Get Excited About Your Life Again – 3 Quick Decisions

November 9, 2018

Get excited about your life again as this woman jumping wearing a bunny costume.

Your life. Is it enjoyable and fun or exhausting and nerve-wracking? A little too heavy to think about even? Unfortunately, if we depend upon life to make us happy, we are SOOL. You take back your power when, independent of circumstances, you get excited about your life again. And when you focus on what experience you want at that moment, life gets easier. We all know that in theory. But no matter the chaos, when you face your day with energy, it helps make life a little bit easier. Even during the worst of times.

Excitement makes your life easier again.

Now, you may be thinking I’ve no idea what you’re up against. That some of your days are just too difficult, and you’re right about that. I’m not in your shoes on any particular day. We have very different lives and you’re up against your own stuff. But, I do have some sense of what it takes to shift from dread and fear each day toward one filled with excitement. Because I’m up against my own stuff every single day.

In truth, I want to feel delighted. Turned on. Excited.

I’d like to be the kind of person who wakes up grateful and eager all the time. And many days, I do. I have this quote I wrote about how I wanted to experience being a single mom. In it, I declared I’d be happy, courageous, with no-blinders on, wearing high heels, and makeup. There are days I laugh about this somewhat unrealistic goal. On other days – I rock it!

When you suit up for work, tend to your family’s needs, get to the gym or head out to do your run 6-mile every day, you are impressive. For me, daily makeup wearing can be a big enough challenge amidst my single parenting. So it feels awesome to nail it. But what happens when you’ve no idea how to move from feeling overwhelmed by what’s going on to waking up eager to tackle your stuff? Likewise, what about those big things we all face every single day?

How do you tackle all the things we’re supposed to do to feel good?

Gazillions of articles are written about this on a daily basis. Open up any magazine, and you are advised to take up yoga, meditation, and exercise. Also, there are amazing supplements to help you be an excited Superman. Or, you can fast, eat no sugar, and cook from scratch to nourish, energize or heal your body. I’ve tried many of these daily practices and many do what they promise. But, you can also drive yourself a little bat-shit crazy trying to make it all work. I know I have. Because doing more stuff isn’t the answer.

Woman standing with pocketbook getting excited about her life.

None of us are capable of living the elusive ideal dream life we crave. We are all running around to do what needs to be done. As a parent, an employee, a lover, a friend, and a citizen, we are doing the best we can. Even those we admire. There just isn’t enough Bulletproof coffee to make anyone’s day that glorious.

3-quick decisions to get excited about your life again.

It’s time to slow down for a moment and reconsider what’s up. To make 3 quick decisions to counteract the non-stop noise all around us. When I take on this simple exercise, it works to make my day easier. And more fun rather than stressful and one more thing to add to my To-Do list.

Choose excitement. Choose to call it grit. Happiness. Joy. Whatever you want to feel and is appropriate for you. It’s your day – make it something you’re excited about.

Now, go feel it.

No matter what.

It’s really that simple. Simple, not easy. I didn’t say easy! Sure, you’re up against circumstances, responsibilities, your job. Your kid. You’ve got bills and a bum knee. The car needs to go to the mechanic and your wife is pissed with you.

But what we forget on a daily basis, is that none of those things can take your power away unless you let them. And unfortunately, no matter what, your feelings aren’t dependent upon the outcomes. Which sucks by the way. Feelings are fickle and changeable. They move like the wind. An energy inflow. Feelings have little to do with your attitude. Feelings are fleeting.

Your attitude is up to you.

Finally, your attitude and how you approach your day is up to you. That desire to feel good is 100% within your control. Luckily, that self-control is ours as opposed to the stuff of magazines and merchants. Not because all your stuff is going well. But because you and I decide how we want to feel. Today. Then we can work on our health, our goals, how we parent our kids. Those are the kind of days I nail my mascara.

I’m tired of waiting for my circumstances to make me happy.

Aren’t you? It doesn’t work. I’m also over waiting for the alarm to seduce me into feeling excited about all the stuff on my plate. But I am willing and eager to join the ranks of those who create their own joy. Who own what’s up and roll with the punches. They inspire me.

Woman walking through a field of sunflowers holding her hat.

I’m not suggesting you ignore your kids or play hooky from work (unless you want to.) But I am suggesting you join those who have the stamina and grit to face their stuff with a smile. Because they declare how they’re going to do so. They’re not blind to circumstances. They just don’t wait for the stuff to be perfect to feel good.

I love that. It inspires me. I get intrigued. Honored to know there are days I too can do this. Rockstar.

Besides it only starts with a very simple (not easy) question, what do you want to feel or experience? Today. Or for this next minute. The next hour. What do you dare to feel? Happiness. Excitement. Joy. No matter what? How about even honoring the pain? Instead of waiting for the stuff to make you happy to be alive, are you ready to get excited about your life again?

Pain gets tricky because we’re not wired to enjoy it. I love myself a good cry. It’s fun to revel in anger and to get jacked up on self-righteousness. Wars are won and heroes are made out of the power and fuel anger gives us. While self-righteousness fuels compassion and forces social change. Who doesn’t like that?

But when self-pity, tears, and fear take over, and you know they do, what’s really going on? Even though it may feel good (or bad) how long are you going to stay there and let yourself fall victim to what’s up? Or conversely, how long are you going to run away from feeling the dark feelings. How long. Seriously.

You can choose to feel excited about your day again.

I ask because it took me a long time to learn how to overcome my last divorce and breakup. About 7 years. Could you start to limit the amount of time you let yourself be upset? Could it be during your shower? Or while you’re journaling first thing in the morning or while you’re praying. Then, can you decide to let it go for the day?

In other words, we’re talking about a conscious, deliberate shift to feeling good. To get excited about your life again or whatever ‘feeling good’ you want to feel. Instead of being stuck in the pain. Upset. Frustration. Boredom, even inertia.

The 6-second shift.

Cool. Now go do it. It only takes 6 seconds.

Experiment and let me know what happened. Go be the scientist and the experiment. Start super small. See what might have to give to succeed at this. You’ve got it? Good! I’ll be writing more about this soon.

“Do As I Say, Not As I’ve Done” & Other Life Lessons That Make You Feel Like A Hypocrite To Your Kids

August 3, 2018

In the rush to put your life back together, there’s this moment when parents need to act-out… there’s unexpressed anger to vent, missed intimacy to be made up for, and hurt that has to come out. But, in the midst of all this is the very real role of parenting through divorce. And a lot of mistakes. The phrase, “Do as I say, not as I’ve done” brings up those choices from our past but also the present mistakes we make in separation and divorce. Other, preventable life lessons after divorce may make you feel like a hypocrite to your kids without the right context. Given that you’re their primary role model, it’s important to understand, accept and expect a lot of mistakes up ahead.

Parenting through divorce.

Parenting through divorce is really difficult. Parents typically worry about the effects of their divorce on their children. They worry that it’ll mess them up. Just to set the record straight – divorces don’t mess up children, the constant fighting, venting, prolonged court cases, and numerous lovers coming in and out of their lives does that dirty work.

You cannot mess up your child’s life by improving your own. You cannot mess up a child’s life by getting them out of dangerous or toxic environments. You mess up when you stop being their parent.

It’s also really tough to know how to take care of yourself while needing to care for your kids. It’s not easy to compartmentalize your anger or fear, to take on a lover and enjoy yourself or move and return to work without worrying about the effects on your family. But families are resilient when parenting is solid. During a divorce, most parents aren’t really very solid.

The post-divorce, post-trauma side of separation is a fragile time.

You will make a lot of mistakes post-divorce, post-trauma as you pull away from unhealthy or even toxic relationships. But like most life-lessons, separation and divorce give you the chance to start over. To do things differently and to model healthy lifestyle choices. “Do as I say, not as I’ve done” becomes a theme and parenting through divorce, you will want to scream your life lessons from the rooftops as you become aware of what happened, your part in the breakup, and the choices you made.

But children, especially young ones, model in silence. They won’t grasp the words, the venting, the anger. They’ll watch you. Kids feel the tension at home. They will mirror your stress levels. (And you really need to expect them to do so.) When you prepare for it and know how to calm yourself and your kids down, life will become easier. (And your children will stop avoiding spending time with you.)

Being a parent post-divorce, post-trauma.

I admire parents who leave unhealthy, toxic or difficult relationships. I commend them for showing their children that life doesn’t have to be so difficult or cruel. But saying that, I also know there’s a lot of backlash and being a parent in divorce brings with it, guilt, regrets, fears, and worries. Of course, it does!

Children will push and punish any parent breaking up the family home. Kids can be mean and most parents struggle with balancing their love with being defensive. Teenagers are great at playing games but so are young kids who quickly learn to test which parent will buy them the things they want in exchange for their seemingly finite amount of love.

None of this is true of course, kids usually stick around even after possibly taking a break from a parent. But the cycle of co-dependence and fear is difficult to grasp in the midst of the backlash.

Instead of succumbing to your child’s nonstop demands, it’s best to model tolerance and compassion…

“Do as I say, not as I’ve done” reflects everything you’ve ever done as a parent, not just your parenting through divorce.

Not just a separated or divorced parent. Not just the parent who needs to go on a date, fall in love, have some sex. Your parenting is going to come into focus as you learn more about your own actions and behavior before, during, and after your separation. Everything will be looked at – either by you, individually or by the courts and your children’s other parent.

This is where compassion comes in. You’ve made some mistakes – even a lot of mistakes! While you recreate your life post-divorce, you get to evaluate and own your life lessons.

Life lessons after divorce.

Snore. You’re not interested in learning anything more. You want sex, love, physical touch. It’s easier to blame than to look in the mirror. And way easier to vent, commiserate, and complain. I know. No one said this was going to be easy. You just thought a separate life would be easier than what you’ve been living through during an unhappy marriage.

The exciting thing is that once you grasp the context… that your life is, can, really change for the better… it all gets easier to handle. You can cut yourself some slack. Have some compassion for your own fears, your children’s behavior, the situation at hand. Change is never easy for the human animal. Separation and divorce bring loads of change.

“Do as I say, not as I’ve done.”

When you begin to model this sort of resilience, take it on and own it, your children witness a strong role model. By teaching them that tough times can be dealt with, they learn they too can handle what life lessons will come their way. Instead of being the out of control, angry, horny parent they don’t recognize, you get to show them how to rise above difficulties.

Your mistakes will come up. Expect your kids to challenge what you’re doing now and how they recall the past. This isn’t to say you’re completely at fault, it also doesn’t give you permission to become defensive. Your children have had a front row seat to your parenting before, during, and after divorce. They’ve been watching. They’ve also been at the effects of your choices and mistakes.

I find these moments humbling (and upsetting). These are the times when I wish I had had a manual, a role model or a mentor for how to do this more gracefully. Generously. I now know that if we don’t do our healing work, we leave that pain to our children to handle. Which isn’t just unfair, it sets up the next generation to mirror, repeat, and go through what we’ve gone through in relationship. Not doing our work means, we’ve become the biggest hypocrite to our kids.

Parenting through divorce means owning all of it.

To get through a divorce well – to find new love, healthy relationships, fun sex, meaningful work or a lifestyle you can thrive in, means doing the healing work. Divorce doesn’t happen between two healthy people. The biggest life lesson after divorce is that you were part of that dynamic. It wasn’t always their fault. Owning that, understanding and having compassion for the person you once were helps your kids see that they too will make mistakes. The hypocrisy goes away when you heal. And grow. Shift, change, own it all. It becomes rather freeing.

Separation and divorce sets you up for a better life. Whether you wanted the divorce or not. It’s always up to you but rising above the anger, the hurt, the need to punish, helps your kids adjust to the changes in their life. It helps them learn to trust you again. And it gives them a chance to come back when you were the one who made the mistakes. (No longer the hypocrite you once feared being.)

If you’re stuck doing this sort of growth on your own, it’s time to look into doingDivorce™ School. My online, group class was created to help those going through breakups do so with perspective, understanding, and compassion for the experience and what they’re going through. Joining a community, a new tribe of like-minded people, helps students overcome the shame, fear, and to create a better future in a supportive community.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit laurabonarrigo.com.