Single Parenting

It’s OK To Hate Yourself For Yelling At Your Kids As A Single Mom, Just Not Forever

October 5, 2018

Most parents experience tremendous stress going from being married to being single parents. They hope is that the transition will be easy for everyone involved. The reality is a lot more difficult. The crisis point is difficult to navigate. Too often tempers are hot and parents and kids say a lot of things they wish they could take back. It’s OK to hate yourself for yelling at your kids as a single mom, just not forever.

You’re going to make a lot of mistakes between now and when they reach adulthood.

I was nervous. We sat with the kids on the couch united in our facts and story. We were telling them we had decided to end the marriage. Dad was moving to a new home and they’d see him without me. We each held our breath as first one, one then the other child, experienced the reverberations of what they heard. It was no different for me as a child when I heard my dad wasn’t coming home to live with me again. I burst into tears.

The fear of losing your child’s loyalty equals their fear of losing your love.

Navigating this time period isn’t easy for anyone. Therapists, MD’s, and attorneys all worry about the effects an acrimonious fight can have on a child’s relationship with the other parent. Kids panic and being abandoned begins to play out in their fears. GoodTherapy.org writes “Abandonment fear often stems from childhood loss. This loss could be related to a traumatic event, such as the loss of a parent through death or divorce. It can also come from not getting enough physical or emotional care. These early childhood experiences can lead to a fear of being abandoned by others later in life.”

One doesn’t know where to begin parenting by themselves, never mind manage their own tempers and feelings.

Yelling at your kids as a single mom is the kind of stress that makes the best single mom fearful of making a wrong move. You find yourself questioning everything you’re doing. I know that I did. Petrified of messing up and saying the wrong things, it was a scary time. My feelings were all over the place and the stakes were high. I recall asking several therapists and my babysitter/social worker if I crossed the line when I got angry and raised my voice. Their advice: yelling at your kids as a single mom is OK as long as you keep the yelling to what is going on. Not making personal attacks or comments about the other parent. Phew.

Then they advised… I clean it up. Yelling at your kids as a single mom is one thing, cleaning up the anger and hurt feelings is totally another. These are the moments you get to fix what you messed up. And you begin to rebuild faith in each others’ undying commitment toward safety and security. I had to learn to love rebuilding mess-ups.

Repairing the mess-up gives you a chance to not hate yourself for yelling at your kids.

Knowing being a child in divorce isn’t easy, I learned to respect my imperfections as a single mom. As a child, you truly don’t know what is up and where you’re safe. If both parents are running hot, if each drop-off and pick-up is filled with fighting, a child is going to want to stay away from both of you. Even kids who don’t demonstrate their fear or frustration may be experiencing a ton of stress. After all, they didn’t ask for this breakup.

It may not be easy for you to admit to yelling at your kids as a single mom. It’s not easy for me to publicly admit it now. I remember how it felt when my overworked, stressed out single mom yelled at me and my brothers and sisters. But what I do know, when a single mom (or dad) keeps the yelling clean – not bad-mouthing the other parent, not forcing a child to choose (parental alienation) and not making a child’s life impossible, all will be forgiven.

It’s OK to hate yourself for yelling at your kids as a single mom, just not forever.

What’s better as a single mom, is learning how to repair the damage your anger caused. To reach out and extend that olive branch by taking your children aside and one by one admit to them you messed up. Despite being a kid who was once in their shoes, I had to learn how to repair the relationship with my kids. It wasn’t as hard as I expected it to be.

Taking time to rebuild your relationship with a child you’ve hurt teaches them how to move forward with humility and generosity.

My kids were my greatest teacher. When we, as parents, move in with apologies, we open up a chance for a child to learn how to forgive. We all mess up. Every one of us makes mistakes and as parents, we have a chance to teach our children how to navigate those moments.

Once I realized that yelling at my kids as a single mom was actually an opportunity to forge wholeheartedness, no, I didn’t actually continue yelling… I actually began to calm down. I learned that no matter what, my kids trusted me. They knew I loved them and I knew they were loyally next to me. Not in a way that alienated their father, not that. But in a way that even though as a parent, I had messed up, by getting divorced from their dad, they still loved and accepted me. We were still on the same team.

By yelling at my kids, I had to pause, self-reflect, and learn some new skills at compromise.

I had to show up and speak up. By listening to their feelings and concerns, I had to face my own fears and desires. As a result, we’ve been able to build a stronger bond of trust. In many ways, yelling at my kids as a single mom brought me and my kids closer together. They learned the valuable gift of forgiveness. Despite it all, my fear of messing up taught them about humility, courage, and how to start over again no matter what the circumstances. There was no need for me to hate myself forever after giving us all such gifts.

Hey Single Dad… 5 Signs The Single Women You’re Looking At Are Actually Interested

August 17, 2018

Dating for a single dad can be challenging. On the one hand, you want intimacy and fun. On the other, you’ve got kids and they make things more complicated. Fortunately, single women usually like kids and are actually interested in being a child’s confidante. This means, keep your chin up! 5 signs the single women you’re looking at are actually interested in you will give single dads a head’s up on how well they’re being received and what to look for.

Dating a man with kids is often super fun for single women. Not all women, sure. But for the majority, our DNA is wired to take care of others. Children included. You’ll know she’s into you by the way she responds (over and over again).

Let’s take a look at the obvious signs: she shows an interest by smiling, laughing with you, dressing up, and being pleasant. All the things we do when we’re interested in another person. But then there’s the interest in your children, the inquiries about their lives or the concern about how they’re doing.

On a cynical level, I believe we all show up super sweet, smiling, laughing, pretty or hot, pleasant, interested, concerned, and nice during the beginning stages of dating and building a relationship. Why else would any one of us stay involved with anyone else otherwise? This is where things get confusing.

The single dad declares, “She really likes my kids!” Please excuse my scorn, but, like… duh!? You wouldn’t be dating her otherwise. BTW this is the same for single moms dating single men too. To be clear, don’t you think you wouldn’t, or maybe you shouldn’t, date someone who doesn’t like your kids?

However, dating a man with kids is not the stuff of movies and storytelling. Families are complicated and it’s not easy to blend a family into one unit. The challenge of being a single father is finding a woman who not only adores you but also one who can handle the obstacles all blended families go through on their way to becoming a united family.

I grew up in with 5 step brothers and sisters. They were older than me and didn’t live at my home with their father, my step-dad. My dad and my step-mom also had a daughter. Altogether, there were 12 kids. None of it was easy. The age differences were broad and we, fortunately, did not all live under the same roof.

Growing up in the Brady Bunch era, I had fantasies we would all get along. But that’s all it was – fantasies. The older kids had their own lives and several never bonded with my mother. When my step-dad passed, most of those step-siblings went on with their lives. Sure, wounds were opened but my mom is a tough gal and she carried on with those who wanted to share their lives with her.

Talk about some tough love.

But in order to grasp the amount of emotional stuff kids bring with them, we have to develop a thick skin. All children resent sharing their parents. So why should a new lover or step-mom be any different?

I say all this to single dads (and moms) as a way of giving you a head’s up. She’s interested but is she aware? You’re interested but are you prepared? Here are 5 signs the single women you’re looking at are actually interested:

She likes that you still like women and you make her feel good

Men who like women treat women right. They’re not stereotyping all women into a cookie cutter mold that looks like their ex-wife. By letting women show up as they are, it allows single dads to find healthy, fun women.

Women want to feel good around a guy so single dads need to have things in perspective before settling into a long-term relationship. Guys who don’t feel great about themselves or about women in general (usually that’s a sign of unhealed trauma) need a little more healing time before they settle down.

You’re a single dad who’s fun and adventurers.

You enjoy doing new things and you enroll your kids in joining you. You’re able to manage your kids’ moods and are able to keep yourself in check. These skills will entice a woman into falling in love with you. Most women can handle kids, they just can’t handle all the responsibility of parenting them. So if you’ve got this figured out, that single woman is going to find you very appealing!

You’re expressive instead of withholding.

This goes hand in hand with a man who’s done some healing work. Women, especially single women, want to emotionally process and get to know who you are today. They want to know about your relationship with your kids and how your day goes. If you’re the kind of man who’s unable to express his feelings or unable to talk about his day, you might have a more difficult time finding a single woman who can take on you and your children in one fell swoop.

But if you’re the type of man who can engage in a conversation, express feelings, and allow her to talk (while you listen); if you can just hold her while she verbally expresses herself and give her room to feel her feelings while you step into yours, then you know she’s into you.

She lets you do the things you need to do without pressuring you

Single women have become used to being independent. You may find if she’s really into you that she lets you do your thing without pressuring you. This is huge for a single dad who’s balancing parental duties with dating.

At first, this may seem contradictory but it really isn’t. Single women need down time too. They want girl time, primping time, time to work out. By letting you do the things you want to do (with your kids) without her pressure, she’s also setting herself up for the personal time she needs to feel good about herself and her life too.

She makes sure you include your children in the things you’re doing together.

A woman who’s secure is going to be willing and able to include your children in her life without making too big a deal about it. Sure, you welcome her company and perhaps even another set of eyes. But more importantly for someone dating a man with kids, she wants to be with them. She also likes being with them when she’s with you. This is huge and valuable. You really can’t be with a woman who doesn’t like your kids no matter how cynical I may be. That kind of single woman is one to hang onto.

Dating a man with kids, she doesn’t force herself onto your children.

This is one of the most difficult and most important steps to take note of. Does she let your kids live their own life? Is she secure enough not to have to be with them whenever you are? Does she use your kids’ affection as some measure of your commitment to her? Be careful here. Too many single dads have gotten themselves into trouble because a woman pressures your kids to do things with her that they don’t want to do.

Dating a man with kids is complicated and at times confusing. Many women you’ll meet will want to be in a family dynamic. The challenging part is reading the signs that she’s ready and able to be in a healthy relationship with you and your children. As you grasp her intentions and read the signs, you’ll be better able to find the right partner for you and your family.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

The Hardest Part About Being A Single Mom (& How To Deal With It)

April 27, 2018

Being a single mom

Being a single mom, you want to be happy and provide a safe home but usually, don’t know how to keep yourself feeling positive, don’t really believe you will be happy and don’t know how to deal with providing for everything you know you need for your kids.

The hardest part about being a single mom is knowing that hope and dreams are possible even in the face of tremendous fear.

The way to deal with that part is to surround yourself with those who feel the same way. Your community, including your children, are the seeds of possibility. What’s the hardest part about being a single mom? Finding the right kind of people who will help you make your future dreams come true.

Leaving a marriage, there’s always this combination of fear and excitement whether you wanted out or not.

Both are valid – the dreams pull you out of marriage, the fears keep you from falling fast. Most women just want to be happy and be able to provide a safe home. They want to rush to the end of the story. But they don’t know how to keep themselves feeling positive. They don’t believe they’ll be truly happy with all of the stress. They don’t know how to provide financially for themselves way too often, and they’re worried about their kids.

For many single moms, those dreams usually include (fingers crossed) a new home filled with hope, joy, even happiness if possible. Maybe a new lover. A place for dreams to come true. However, in the beginning, chaos and confusion typically reign as a single mom does her very best to set up a new home for her children.

The familiar rules which kept two adults parenting together fall away in the face of just kids and mom. There’s this intense sense of not knowing what’s going on or what to do first. One of the hardest parts of being a single mom is believing that you’ve got this. Even amid the fear. That you and your children will manage, figure things out, and even thrive.

Chaos and confusion are at the root of what it takes to create a home filled with hope and dreams. You cannot create possibility out of a broken framework. A marriage between a mother and father that didn’t hold together is a broken framework. So at first, you will feel as if everything is falling apart and you don’t know what you’re doing. And you don’t. Actually, you can’t. Your kids don’t know what to expect and neither do you.

Happiness and joy come out of that chaos.

Without it, you can’t begin to create your new home. Your new home is built on top of this new family structure, and together you and your children, are the ones who have to make it work. And that’s never easy.

To believe in possibility, new dreams, even new love requires accepting how to deal with this part of separation. You will be in chaos and confusion until you accept and deal with recreating your rules, boundaries, and self-discipline in the face of pain, upset, expenses, and single-parenting. The moment is difficult. I wish I could tell you differently.

I have found that those who set up any other unrealistic expectations in their new household, any sort of perfection really, like some super strict “family rule” guidelines, are setting themselves up for denial and dysfunction.

No one goes through a divorce without having to deal with their broken hearts.

Not adults. Not children. And perfection or guidelines requiring 100% compliance without compassion fall short of dealing.

Surrounding yourself with people who not only grasp this reality but also support your efforts to deal with it, by letting you, is paramount. You cannot do it alone. You also cannot do it the way you used to when you were married and supposedly in a good place.

That looks like leaning into new friends, finding a new community filled with compassion instead of judgment, and being with those who understand what you’re up against.

Creating hope and possibility out of a broken heart is the stuff dreams are made of.

Because creating hope and possibility out of the old set of rules, listening to the old criticism and being immersed in self-incrimination, judgment or despair doesn’t work.

To develop emotional resilience and hope means (breathe in now) that you have to take a step away from your past and surround yourself with faith in possibility. No matter what you may be thinking, this kind of faith demands acceptance and compassion.

Forgiveness even. It has more to do with a bigger perspective, filled with possibility than it has to do with hanging onto what you’ve known or are used to from the past.

This takes faith and courage.

But it’s not just faith and courage. It’s saying no to answering every single text 24/7 no matter how difficult it is to resist. It’s about letting a few things slide (in my home, kids aren’t required to make their beds anymore). It’s about a no-lying policy at my house. It’s about deleting those who are critical of me and my parenting style from my contact list no matter how many memories we once shared. It was about allowing myself to change how I parent as a single mom instead of taking on a more limiting set of rules and guidelines. In fact, it was all about opening up to the possibility. A bigger perspective.

Faith, courage, action steps.

In the chaos and confusion inherent in the lifestyle shift, you may be unsure of how to do these things despite trying your hardest. That’s where finding a new community becomes mandatory. Honestly, I would not be where I am today without my new support structure. I’m not saying to get rid of those who are your champions. However, I am saying, quite emphatically, in fact, to find a new group to help you on your way to your life filled with dreams.

In order to find a new support structure, you step into faith.

And, it takes courage to do just that. As you start your new lifestyle as a single mom, you’ll most likely, pull-in. You’ll be ashamed, scared, unsure even though you’re doing your best. But trusting others is the furthest thing from your mind. I totally get that! The hardest part of being a single mom is to believe you’re worthy of a new group of positive, kind, compassionate people. When you look for them though, they may be hard to see.

I had to look a long time. Unfortunately, it took a while, filled with trial and error, to find my new community. I thought it looked like my old life, my old kind of friends, my old type of lovers. Boy, was I wrong!

Looking for a new support structure.

Surrounding yourself with compassionate, supportive, action-oriented, that kind of kick in your butt with love sort of support doesn’t come naturally when you’re feeling alone and isolated in chaos and confusion. It takes some work. So don’t give up!

Try not to confuse that effort with falling in love or getting that promotion at work. Or even getting away from that other parent however much that is driving you. Those steps are a part of the overall healing but not the kind of support that will help you develop true faith and courage in yourself as a single mom. In some ways, those steps are like candy.

Or they’re the sprinkles on the frosting, not the ingredients of a dream life. Only those who have been where you are will know that. At first, it’s easy to get confused by distractions.

At first, the hardest part about being a single mom is going to be the self-discipline to find a part of you willing and able to shift.

To realize that even with all the work you’ve done being a single mom (and I know you’ve done a ton of work already) there’s still room for more. And you’re worthy of opening up to it. You’re even worthy of having your dreams made possible. And you’re especially worthy of happiness and love.

If you’re willing to take a good look at the chaos and confusion you’re in, and ready to step into the possibility of being happy, delighted even with your life, join me in doingdivorce™ School. Because I’ve built this school on compassion and acceptance – the very ingredients you need to make your dreams come true.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

3 Reasons Why Being A Single Mom Is Awesome After A Breakup

November 9, 2017

In the beginning, after a breakup, being a single mom can suck. I apologize for the curse, but there’s no other way to begin – chances are, you didn’t sign up for being a single mom. I know you probably didn’t want to raise your kids by yourself. You may even be having a tough time adjusting to being a single mom. With everything to do, you may not understand being a single mom because you were raised by two parents. Or you had no idea how lonely it would be to be a single mom and you wonder when does being a single mom get any easier. (If you stopped reading right now, I wouldn’t blame you but please don’t… I’m just getting started… 3 Reasons Why Being A Single Mom Is Awesome!)

3 Reasons Why Being A Single Mom Is Awesome

Because at first, we all go through these various emotions and have these thoughts. It’s normal and natural. In fact, you have to have the negative fears and worries before stepping into the awesomeness of being a single mom! So bemoan, worry, carry on about costs, budgets, balancing work and parenting, babysitting and dating woes. Go ahead… so you can catch up with why being a single mom is so AWESOME!

At first, you’re juggling A LOT: home, work, the fight, the co-parenting, the anger, the worry, the righteousness, the fear. It’s a ton of stress. You never sleep. No one gets you. Too often, you wonder if you’re crazy. You snap at your kids. Then you bad-mouth your ex. Maybe you worry about money, earning money, and fear you’ll be single for the rest of your life. Girlfriend… here are my arms to give you a hug!

If you remember anything from this article, remember this: it gets better. It gets easier. You can figure it out. You can do it and eventually, being a single mom is AWESOME!

Let me tell you what AWESOME looks like and why there’s so much to look forward to:

You get to make popcorn and ice cream milkshakes for breakfast.

Meaning, no one else tells you what to do in your home anymore. You’re in charge… you may be a little afraid of that but it starts to become fun when you realize you get to change traditions and make your own party. The best part is that you no longer have to defer to your kids’ other parent. And you step away from proving your worth to those who don’t or can’t approve. It’s time to eat what you want, get up when you want, stop making the bed in the morning if you want.

It’s all up to you and that’s worth celebrating awesomeness!

I remember changing some traditions… ice cream milkshakes in the morning being one of them. If my kids wanted sweets… I agreed, selecting wisely, but no longer beholden to outside opinions. Then I switched up holiday practices… initiating a chocolate event that friends still ask for these many years later. I got rid of the clean plate club and the “make your bed in the morning” rule. I left dirty clothes on the floor and started wearing my scrubs to bed at night.

In other words, without the stress of a bad marriage, I loosened up and we began laughing more.

That’s pretty awesome!

Money, money, money…

Let’s say it together gals… money and income and budgets and finances are the NUMBER 1 worry of single moms period! We are the front page story on newspapers everywhere. Yep, that’s us. Pretty awesome.

And scary.

Worrying about how you’ll raise your kids and take care of yourself pulls at men and women alike.

But for moms, it’s particularly tough. I was an out-of-work actress living in NYC in my late 40’s when I got divorced. I had no idea how I’d manage my own needs, never mind thrive and the attorneys kept arguing I’d just get married again… you can imagine the rage. I also had a lot of debt to pay my attorney. There were the credit cards to deal with that I wrongly used to play the “keep up with my lifestyle” game some professionals encourage. Even today, I have mortgage debt to manage and pay off.

But the good thing, no the GREAT thing about anger (or righteousness) mixed with obligation and drive is that it gets you going. Anger moves mountains. “Do not get in the way of a woman’s anger properly channeled to the greatest good!”

It takes feeling the fear, the sting, the injustice, the righteousness before you’re able to channel that power toward figuring it out, but figure it out you will if you let yourself.

In order to earn money, I’ve edited a Ph.D. dissertation, rented rooms; I’ve babysat, I’ve continued with my modeling and acting work; I learned how to coach, I had a stint in an office, I have a social marketing company. I said yes to possibility and created a belief that I could and would figure it out. Borrow my belief if you must… but have that belief in yourself because when you do, it’s really AWESOME – fear goes away. You face your bills. Then you pay off your debts. And you even manage that impulsive shopping at Zara… just sayin’.

You have no idea what the future holds for you.

None. Based on your past, you don’t have any idea of who you’re going to become. You have no idea what luck will come your way. Start taking it day by day, moment by moment if you have to. Don’t sell yourself short. And begin to imagine a great future – doing so will help you find your way toward it!

In the meantime, understand what you’ve got to live on and become creative… I’ve had over 10 ways that I’ve made money the past few single mom years and am still always saying yes to the opportunity to do things within my value system.

Being in control of those money fears is really AWESOME and so are you!

As a single mom, you decide who enters the castle gates:

Usually, at first, you go between trusting no one and trusting everyone. Your filter is broken and you think everyone is there for you. You indulge the fears and the story. You over-share to anyone and everyone who will listen to you for five minutes (or five hours)

One particular Thanksgiving after my divorce, I cornered my friend’s brother as he was trying to leave the dining room to play football with the family after dinner. I chewed his ear off! I was still in the spinning phase and could not shut up about the pain and frustration of my divorce. The poor guy…. cute, single, he never said hi to me again after that. And I learned a valuable lesson…

You get to decide who’s safe to invite in. It’s empowering to select your community or your tribe. It’s best to surround yourself with people who will lift you up instead of those who will commiserate with you about how bad all men are. How bad your ex-husband is. How bad your kids’ father is. Or not. (I recommend not doing that.)

I recommend you find a tribe of women (and men) who will lift you up and teach you how to trust yourself and others.

A community of people who will help you rise above your fears and imagine the kind of life you wish to create. And a community of people who, like you, are driven to create financial stability. I know that it’s possible to have what you want, I also know it’s important to be with others who are doing the same thing! Go here to learn more about the resources and groups I have for you.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of The Better Divorce and doingDivorce™ School – online coaching programs for those ready to shed the pain of breakups. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com.

How To Deal With The 3 Biggest Struggles Of Being A Single Divorced Mom

October 4, 2017

My parents divorced when I was in the third grade. It was a scary time for me with lots of uncertainty and confusion. Being a single divorced mom with six kids, my mom returned to work in earnest. She taught swimming and exercise classes seemingly everywhere. We were the only divorced family on the street. In those days, no one understood the pain divorced families experienced. I changed schools and my figure skating lessons were canceled. I remember my uncle filling our freezer with meat. There were nights I needed to be with her and I would get in the car and watch my mom teach her classes. I remember she taught at 9 or 10 locations.

I never wanted to be a single divorced mother. Yet, here I was years later facing the same sort of dilemma too many single divorced mothers face. I had to work on how to deal with and overcome the 3 biggest struggles of being a single divorced mom.

The 3 biggest struggles for single divorced moms.

Let’s speak straight – I feel the most difficult aspect of divorce for mothers is the loneliness. Too often, married couples shun the single woman who once sat at their dinner table. They forget how much they once enjoyed her company. My own experience isn’t that different. I chalk it up to my poor communication skills and others inability to see divorce as an emotional win for two unhappy adults. Most newbie divorcees don’t know how to talk about their lives without constantly bringing up their fear and pain. Instead of viewing divorce as an enormous loss, find someone that teaches people divorce is a welcomed opportunity to grow.

Tons of work.

For the newly separated mom, the overriding fear of finances is constant. You wonder how to return to work after being a stay at home mother. You think about how you work longer hours or take on a second job to help cover bills. All while being solely responsible for your children. There are things you can’t afford to buy. And of course, present all the time… what if he doesn’t pay? Unfortunately, the financial fears as a single divorced mom raising kids are enormous. And rightly so because the economic statistics for single moms are awful. (I’m not going to delve into them here but if you’d like to know more, please read this heartbreaking white paper: Unveiling The Unspoken Truth by my friends at Francis Financial.

Sex and intimacy for the single divorced mom at what cost?

Lastly, as if to make matters worse, there is a fear of intimacy and too many questions about bonding with the wrong partner (again). On the one hand, single divorced moms, like single divorced dads, are lonely and want sex. On the other hand, one of the prime indicators of child abuse is having a male in the home who isn’t the biological father of the children in the home! So it’s no wonder women are less quick to pair up and bond with a new mate who could help shoulder financial and parenting responsibilities.

Where to find the right community for the single divorced mom.

Going through a divorce nowadays isn’t exactly the same as when my mom divorced and was kicked out of the Catholic Church. Today, there are Meetup groups, church gatherings, dating apps, after-school programs, coaches, counselors, and social services. Divorce affects all social classes and we have a keen sense of the different effects of divorce done right versus divorce done poorly.

Tip #1:

In order to keep your friends and loved ones close and not be ostracized by those who you’ve grown accustomed to knowing, limit the amount of gossip, whining, and complaining you’re sharing. Those old friends knew you when. They knew you with them. They knew you when your kids were little. Let them remind you of when you were happy. Grant them permission to limit the amount of time you rehash the latest updates on what your children’s other parent is doing.

Find a safe group of people to make all the difference.

The right people will help you move forward. And heal. As a single divorced mom, you need way more healing than you may realize. The hardest thing about divorce is that feeling of isolation. Your heartache from your spouse or partner is different than mine, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t both feeling alone in our pain. We connect with that shared experience and need a safe place to feel seen and heard. Having that environment is paramount for your healing.

Look carefully for these groups. Some may cost you money. It’s a worthy investment in your future if they actually help you move up and out of your fears and anxieties. The way you think about and talk about the story of your divorce is going to color your future relationships. We now know it’s very important to make sure you learn how to do so well.

Tip #2:

Your new community needs to teach you how to accept facts. This is hard in the middle of a court case or when your ex isn’t paying rent or helping out with school. The problem with most divorce cases is expecting your lifestyle to stay the same. It might very well stay the same (or get better) for the monied spouse, but for the majority of women going through a divorce, economic status changes. Facts are tricky things and the moment you’re able to look at the real at dollars and cents you have to live on versus the fantasy agreement you’re hoping to get is the moment you begin to take ownership of your future.

Find help in creating a financial plan for your future.

There are professionals, CDFA’s whose job it is to help you create a budget and a plan moving forward. They look at cash flow and lifestyle. They’ll be the bearers of harsh truths, but they’ll also help you grasp how the future is going to look so that you can make real decisions about how you’re living.

For example, when you figure out what kind of budget you’re living on, you can make decisions on how much money you need, where you can shop, what you can do. Everyone deals with this from the very wealthy to any lower income single divorced mom. The hard part is actually treating you to those small pleasures and believing you’re going to have an income and/or wealth again moving forward.

Every single divorced mom worries about spending money on herself.

She wouldn’t question spending money she may have on her children. But when it comes to her well-being, her sense of self, she balks. This has more to do with self-worth after a divorce than actual money in hand issues. Because we all know, if you must spend the money, you will. Including hiring professionals to help you heal or get through your divorce.

Tip #3:

Trust that you’re safe. Trust that you’re being given an opportunity to move beyond a life and a lifestyle that wasn’t working for you. Trust that your income and your wealth will flow again. Trust that your children will be okay, that you’ll find true love and that you’re being protective.

Your divorce and the lessons you’re dealing with are happening for you, not to you.

This is tough to take on in the midst of fear and overwhelm. (Which is why I gave you Tip #1.) As a single divorced mom, you’re going to want to surround yourself with people who live in pragmatic optimism. Are things going to be tough? You betcha’! But the opportunities to rise above and to show up for yourself and your children is also enormous.

This includes showing up in love, not just sleeping with the nearest man and calling him step-dad.

As you step into setting up new boundaries for yourself and your behavior, be careful about the person you bring into your children’s lives. This has more to do with honoring your self-worth and knowing your boundaries. You will have to learn how to discern the signs. You do not need to logically understand the messages you may feel. It can be tricky. You just need to pay attention to your intuitive hit. Just because sex is good or they seem smart and professional, does not mean they’re healthy or emotionally able to show up for your children.

To believe in a future that is different than your past, you have to become different.

You’ll want to stop the gossip and venting. Eventually, creating a budget so you won’t be afraid of the bills. Over time, you may want to get professional help so you can manage how you talk about your divorce, how you interpret it, and what you say about yourself and your part. Doing so colors the people you attract, including future lovers and partners.

Being a single divorced mom is hard because you’ve probably never been a single mom before.

By showing up for yourself and your kids, you’re teaching them about resilience, confidence, commitment, and self-love. They need to see how you’re able to take care of yourself, how you surround yourself with support, and how you ask for the right kind of help when you need it.

My mom has been my biggest supporter since I’ve been a single divorced mom.

She reminds me to put my chin up and to spend money on myself. She encourages me to hire someone to help clean my bathrooms when I need to and to celebrate my successes. My kids are privy to a mom who puts them first. I’ve got a lot to be proud of despite, like you, shouldering twice the work. I hope you’ll now find your struggles with being a single, divorced mom a lot easier to manage because I believe you’re capable of way more than you realize and you’re no longer alone!