Single Moms

Staring Down The Married Moms In The PTA, Sports Games & Carpool Line. You Got This Sister

August 29, 2018

Being a single mom isn’t easy. There are days when handling all the chores, balancing so many different roles, and managing the responsibilities can take out the strongest. Then there’s school and all that school brings with it including, other moms. Married moms. Staring down the married moms in the PTA, sports games & carpool line makes Bad Moms (the movie) look tame to those in real life. As school approaches and you’re at it again, let me remind you, you got this sister!

No matter what the environment, being a single mom brings up a lot of self-consciousness.

But the schoolyard dance is especially uncomfortable. You’re acutely aware of sticking out like a sore thumb. You wonder if everyone else is noticing how you stand on one side of the schoolyard while your kids’ other parent is on the other. Paying attention to his friends, you’re acutely aware of those who no longer say hello to you at school meetings. You study how teachers interact with him versus how they interact with you. When other single moms cozy up to him, you make a mental note to stay away. The comparison is never-ending. The alarm bells, loud.

The hardest part about being a single mom is being on constant alert.

So the schoolyard dance is not fun. On top of all that, you’re also comparing yourself to those married women. You muse whether they’re truly happy at home. You look for signs of discontentment when you see both parents together – a cold shoulder, a peck goodbye, a shrug and some dismissive sign of fighting. It’s almost as if you hope they’re not happy because inside it feels so awkward to be among other married couples.

The hardest part about being a single mom around married moms is that you don’t recognize yourself.

It’s not the married mom’s fault you’re divorcing (unless, perhaps, they slept with your husband). It’s not their fault they like the guy and maybe, never got along with you. Married moms are in their own worlds dealing with their own stuff just the way you are. They may even feel a twinge of jealousy as they imagine you’re out there dating and meeting great men!

But the thoughts and feelings coursing through you are what makes the entire thing so weird. On the one hand, you’re desperate for those friendships and being part of the PTA crowd just so you feel as if you belong somewhere and that someone will talk with you again. On the other, you simply can’t care about what they think. You can’t care about what anyone thinks anymore. So you pull in and hide afraid that if they saw the depth of your pain, they’d reject you anyway.

On occasion, there’s a married mom who gets it. Perhaps she’s been in your shoes and is now happily remarried. Perhaps she’s just wise and judicious and can handle the conflict between you and your ex but is emotionally mature enough to overlook the fight and to keep you balanced, happy, and involved at school. Those moms are worth hanging onto without using them to dump on! Those are the married moms you want to emulate. No matter what might be going on in their own homes.

How to make being a single mom work.

Heading back to the school meetings and gossip-filled schoolyard you’re going to need a few new rules to put in place.

Leave the gossip at home. Don’t bring it into the PTA meeting or parent-teacher meeting. Keep gossip out of the classroom. By doing so, you’re not putting fuel on an already smoking fire.

Being a single mom with your child’s other parent.

Include your child’s father in all conversations. I know this one is particularly hard for all sorts of reasons. But the longer you separate parent-teacher meetings or stand away from him in the parking lot, the longer the awkwardness is.

You don’t have to be his friend. I advise you not talk about your dating or the struggles at home. You simply need to stand close enough so that others don’t have to wonder and ask about how the fight is going. When you don’t give them any ammunition, you appear gracious and kind. Even if inside you’re angrier than a bee stuck in a bonnet!

I’m not always gracious and kind. I aspire to be but sometimes it’s really tough. However, I do my best to generate some semblance of courteousness so that I can hold my head high around my peers. So, I would wave but not necessarily sit next to my kids’ dad at the football games. I made sure that I volunteered in the snack shed on the days he didn’t so we wouldn’t have to work together but I always served him his food with a thank you. And, we attended parent-teacher meetings so that when we had to complain about a Dean, we were a united front.

You see, I’ve been a single mom in the schoolyard for a long time! I know this isn’t easy but if I can spare you some mistakes, you’ll thank me. So let’s continue sister – you’ve got this!

How to make being a single mom work even when it’s really difficult.

That need to whine, complain, and panic has to be kept between you and your therapist or coach. Not dumped on other single moms or onto the married moms. If you do, you’ll most likely outgrow and/or lose those women as your friends.

I live in a big city so there are a lot of women around me. But, honestly, I lost every single friendship I had with other women at my kids’ school because of dumping on them. I’m not being dramatic. Being super involved (super mom) in my kids’ school had me involved with all the parents. But today, none of them are my friends. None of them call. I never socialize with any of them anymore including the ones who were at my home every week. And it’s because I could not control myself around them during my divorce.

I share this with you because chances are you’re in a small community. You’re among the same people you’ve known for years. And the school years add up to 12 or 14 years by the time you’re all done. You’re going to want to remain friends with these women! You’re going to need them in your life. So, practice some discipline around them…

Staring down the married moms who’ve known you a long time.

When you leave home to go to the school events, plan what you’re going to talk about.

When you volunteer, think about who’s going to be there and remember a few details about their lives that you can focus on. Let them be the ones who are doing the talking!

Compartmentalize your fear before leaving the house and remind yourself no one at school can really help you while they’re parenting their own kids. Instead, watch your kids, notice other children or read a book at the playground. Enjoy those precious moments. It’ll give you a chance to think about something other than all the stuff you’ve got going on.

When another mom (married or single) asks how you’re doing (cuz they will if you’re not volunteering information) simply use these phrases: “today isn’t a good day” if that’s the case or “today’s a good day” and do your best to leave it at that.

If you do find you’ve over-shared, pick up the phone or send a text and apologize for leaking. Thank them for listening and offer not to do so again in the future.

Remember, you’ll not do any of this perfectly. There will be days you’ll mess up royally and vent, cry, show signs of weariness, and panic. You’ll do all that even when you’re feeling secure and strong. But, if you apologize, you offer some grace and those married moms especially will witness the courage and fortitude you’re creating in the midst of a really tough time.

Staring down the married moms who can see through all your B.S.

One last thought: going through a divorce is tough. You can’t lie about that either. Those married moms are interested, they are watching you. They’re wondering how you’re doing if your finances are in order if the kids are healthy if you’re thin and dating… they are watching, comparing, assessing you as you work your way through a divorce they may (or may not) be considering. You are their teacher!

So, you can’t pretend that it’s not hard. You simply can’t leak and leak, leak. Their lives are not your lives and you can’t get upset that their lives seem less chaotic at the moment. You truly have no idea of what’s really going on.

You must be gracious. Kind. Interested in them as if you’ve got this. Those statements: “today isn’t a good day” “today is a good day” are as truthful as you want to get. When you use them, you show an emotional maturity those married moms might not have. They permit emotionally safe boundaries. They help you remain the parent at the moment, a peer among married moms instead of a lady who’s losing it out of fear and panic. Those statements help you remain poised. They are the line between over-sharing and remaining in control.

You need these skills right now! Your life is not a reality TV show. Your life is worth being respected. You’re worth admiring no matter what went down to end your marriage. Staring down the married moms in the PTA or at the sports games is much easier with a few guidelines and memorized answers to the questions you get at school. When you follow these simple (not easy) directives, you’ll feel confident you got this sister!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, join Laura’s Daily Inspiration: https://www.laurabonarrigo.com/inspiration.

3 Reasons Why Being A Single Mom Is Awesome After A Breakup

November 9, 2017

In the beginning, after a breakup, being a single mom can suck. I apologize for the curse, but there’s no other way to begin – chances are, you didn’t sign up for being a single mom. I know you probably didn’t want to raise your kids by yourself. You may even be having a tough time adjusting to being a single mom. With everything to do, you may not understand being a single mom because you were raised by two parents. Or you had no idea how lonely it would be to be a single mom and you wonder when does being a single mom get any easier. (If you stopped reading right now, I wouldn’t blame you but please don’t… I’m just getting started… 3 Reasons Why Being A Single Mom Is Awesome!)

3 Reasons Why Being A Single Mom Is Awesome

Because at first, we all go through these various emotions and have these thoughts. It’s normal and natural. In fact, you have to have the negative fears and worries before stepping into the awesomeness of being a single mom! So bemoan, worry, carry on about costs, budgets, balancing work and parenting, babysitting and dating woes. Go ahead… so you can catch up with why being a single mom is so AWESOME!

At first, you’re juggling A LOT: home, work, the fight, the co-parenting, the anger, the worry, the righteousness, the fear. It’s a ton of stress. You never sleep. No one gets you. Too often, you wonder if you’re crazy. You snap at your kids. Then you bad-mouth your ex. Maybe you worry about money, earning money, and fear you’ll be single for the rest of your life. Girlfriend… here are my arms to give you a hug!

If you remember anything from this article, remember this: it gets better. It gets easier. You can figure it out. You can do it and eventually, being a single mom is AWESOME!

Let me tell you what AWESOME looks like and why there’s so much to look forward to:

You get to make popcorn and ice cream milkshakes for breakfast.

Meaning, no one else tells you what to do in your home anymore. You’re in charge… you may be a little afraid of that but it starts to become fun when you realize you get to change traditions and make your own party. The best part is that you no longer have to defer to your kids’ other parent. And you step away from proving your worth to those who don’t or can’t approve. It’s time to eat what you want, get up when you want, stop making the bed in the morning if you want.

It’s all up to you and that’s worth celebrating awesomeness!

I remember changing some traditions… ice cream milkshakes in the morning being one of them. If my kids wanted sweets… I agreed, selecting wisely, but no longer beholden to outside opinions. Then I switched up holiday practices… initiating a chocolate event that friends still ask for these many years later. I got rid of the clean plate club and the “make your bed in the morning” rule. I left dirty clothes on the floor and started wearing my scrubs to bed at night.

In other words, without the stress of a bad marriage, I loosened up and we began laughing more.

That’s pretty awesome!

Money, money, money…

Let’s say it together gals… money and income and budgets and finances are the NUMBER 1 worry of single moms period! We are the front page story on newspapers everywhere. Yep, that’s us. Pretty awesome.

And scary.

Worrying about how you’ll raise your kids and take care of yourself pulls at men and women alike.

But for moms, it’s particularly tough. I was an out-of-work actress living in NYC in my late 40’s when I got divorced. I had no idea how I’d manage my own needs, never mind thrive and the attorneys kept arguing I’d just get married again… you can imagine the rage. I also had a lot of debt to pay my attorney. There were the credit cards to deal with that I wrongly used to play the “keep up with my lifestyle” game some professionals encourage. Even today, I have mortgage debt to manage and pay off.

But the good thing, no the GREAT thing about anger (or righteousness) mixed with obligation and drive is that it gets you going. Anger moves mountains. “Do not get in the way of a woman’s anger properly channeled to the greatest good!”

It takes feeling the fear, the sting, the injustice, the righteousness before you’re able to channel that power toward figuring it out, but figure it out you will if you let yourself.

In order to earn money, I’ve edited a Ph.D. dissertation, rented rooms; I’ve babysat, I’ve continued with my modeling and acting work; I learned how to coach, I had a stint in an office, I have a social marketing company. I said yes to possibility and created a belief that I could and would figure it out. Borrow my belief if you must… but have that belief in yourself because when you do, it’s really AWESOME – fear goes away. You face your bills. Then you pay off your debts. And you even manage that impulsive shopping at Zara… just sayin’.

You have no idea what the future holds for you.

None. Based on your past, you don’t have any idea of who you’re going to become. You have no idea what luck will come your way. Start taking it day by day, moment by moment if you have to. Don’t sell yourself short. And begin to imagine a great future – doing so will help you find your way toward it!

In the meantime, understand what you’ve got to live on and become creative… I’ve had over 10 ways that I’ve made money the past few single mom years and am still always saying yes to the opportunity to do things within my value system.

Being in control of those money fears is really AWESOME and so are you!

As a single mom, you decide who enters the castle gates:

Usually, at first, you go between trusting no one and trusting everyone. Your filter is broken and you think everyone is there for you. You indulge the fears and the story. You over-share to anyone and everyone who will listen to you for five minutes (or five hours)

One particular Thanksgiving after my divorce, I cornered my friend’s brother as he was trying to leave the dining room to play football with the family after dinner. I chewed his ear off! I was still in the spinning phase and could not shut up about the pain and frustration of my divorce. The poor guy…. cute, single, he never said hi to me again after that. And I learned a valuable lesson…

You get to decide who’s safe to invite in. It’s empowering to select your community or your tribe. It’s best to surround yourself with people who will lift you up instead of those who will commiserate with you about how bad all men are. How bad your ex-husband is. How bad your kids’ father is. Or not. (I recommend not doing that.)

I recommend you find a tribe of women (and men) who will lift you up and teach you how to trust yourself and others.

A community of people who will help you rise above your fears and imagine the kind of life you wish to create. And a community of people who, like you, are driven to create financial stability. I know that it’s possible to have what you want, I also know it’s important to be with others who are doing the same thing! Go here to learn more about the resources and groups I have for you.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of The Better Divorce and doingDivorce™ School – online coaching programs for those ready to shed the pain of breakups. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com.

How To Deal With The 3 Biggest Struggles Of Being A Single Divorced Mom

October 4, 2017

My parents divorced when I was in the third grade. It was a scary time for me with lots of uncertainty and confusion. Being a single divorced mom with six kids, my mom returned to work in earnest. She taught swimming and exercise classes seemingly everywhere. We were the only divorced family on the street. In those days, no one understood the pain divorced families experienced. I changed schools and my figure skating lessons were canceled. I remember my uncle filling our freezer with meat. There were nights I needed to be with her and I would get in the car and watch my mom teach her classes. I remember she taught at 9 or 10 locations.

I never wanted to be a single divorced mother. Yet, here I was years later facing the same sort of dilemma too many single divorced mothers face. I had to work on how to deal with and overcome the 3 biggest struggles of being a single divorced mom.

The 3 biggest struggles for single divorced moms.

Let’s speak straight – I feel the most difficult aspect of divorce for mothers is the loneliness. Too often, married couples shun the single woman who once sat at their dinner table. They forget how much they once enjoyed her company. My own experience isn’t that different. I chalk it up to my poor communication skills and others inability to see divorce as an emotional win for two unhappy adults. Most newbie divorcees don’t know how to talk about their lives without constantly bringing up their fear and pain. Instead of viewing divorce as an enormous loss, find someone that teaches people divorce is a welcomed opportunity to grow.

Tons of work.

For the newly separated mom, the overriding fear of finances is constant. You wonder how to return to work after being a stay at home mother. You think about how you work longer hours or take on a second job to help cover bills. All while being solely responsible for your children. There are things you can’t afford to buy. And of course, present all the time… what if he doesn’t pay? Unfortunately, the financial fears as a single divorced mom raising kids are enormous. And rightly so because the economic statistics for single moms are awful. (I’m not going to delve into them here but if you’d like to know more, please read this heartbreaking white paper: Unveiling The Unspoken Truth by my friends at Francis Financial.

Sex and intimacy for the single divorced mom at what cost?

Lastly, as if to make matters worse, there is a fear of intimacy and too many questions about bonding with the wrong partner (again). On the one hand, single divorced moms, like single divorced dads, are lonely and want sex. On the other hand, one of the prime indicators of child abuse is having a male in the home who isn’t the biological father of the children in the home! So it’s no wonder women are less quick to pair up and bond with a new mate who could help shoulder financial and parenting responsibilities.

Where to find the right community for the single divorced mom.

Going through a divorce nowadays isn’t exactly the same as when my mom divorced and was kicked out of the Catholic Church. Today, there are Meetup groups, church gatherings, dating apps, after-school programs, coaches, counselors, and social services. Divorce affects all social classes and we have a keen sense of the different effects of divorce done right versus divorce done poorly.

Tip #1:

In order to keep your friends and loved ones close and not be ostracized by those who you’ve grown accustomed to knowing, limit the amount of gossip, whining, and complaining you’re sharing. Those old friends knew you when. They knew you with them. They knew you when your kids were little. Let them remind you of when you were happy. Grant them permission to limit the amount of time you rehash the latest updates on what your children’s other parent is doing.

Find a safe group of people to make all the difference.

The right people will help you move forward. And heal. As a single divorced mom, you need way more healing than you may realize. The hardest thing about divorce is that feeling of isolation. Your heartache from your spouse or partner is different than mine, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t both feeling alone in our pain. We connect with that shared experience and need a safe place to feel seen and heard. Having that environment is paramount for your healing.

Look carefully for these groups. Some may cost you money. It’s a worthy investment in your future if they actually help you move up and out of your fears and anxieties. The way you think about and talk about the story of your divorce is going to color your future relationships. We now know it’s very important to make sure you learn how to do so well.

Tip #2:

Your new community needs to teach you how to accept facts. This is hard in the middle of a court case or when your ex isn’t paying rent or helping out with school. The problem with most divorce cases is expecting your lifestyle to stay the same. It might very well stay the same (or get better) for the monied spouse, but for the majority of women going through a divorce, economic status changes. Facts are tricky things and the moment you’re able to look at the real at dollars and cents you have to live on versus the fantasy agreement you’re hoping to get is the moment you begin to take ownership of your future.

Find help in creating a financial plan for your future.

There are professionals, CDFA’s whose job it is to help you create a budget and a plan moving forward. They look at cash flow and lifestyle. They’ll be the bearers of harsh truths, but they’ll also help you grasp how the future is going to look so that you can make real decisions about how you’re living.

For example, when you figure out what kind of budget you’re living on, you can make decisions on how much money you need, where you can shop, what you can do. Everyone deals with this from the very wealthy to any lower income single divorced mom. The hard part is actually treating you to those small pleasures and believing you’re going to have an income and/or wealth again moving forward.

Every single divorced mom worries about spending money on herself.

She wouldn’t question spending money she may have on her children. But when it comes to her well-being, her sense of self, she balks. This has more to do with self-worth after a divorce than actual money in hand issues. Because we all know, if you must spend the money, you will. Including hiring professionals to help you heal or get through your divorce.

Tip #3:

Trust that you’re safe. Trust that you’re being given an opportunity to move beyond a life and a lifestyle that wasn’t working for you. Trust that your income and your wealth will flow again. Trust that your children will be okay, that you’ll find true love and that you’re being protective.

Your divorce and the lessons you’re dealing with are happening for you, not to you.

This is tough to take on in the midst of fear and overwhelm. (Which is why I gave you Tip #1.) As a single divorced mom, you’re going to want to surround yourself with people who live in pragmatic optimism. Are things going to be tough? You betcha’! But the opportunities to rise above and to show up for yourself and your children is also enormous.

This includes showing up in love, not just sleeping with the nearest man and calling him step-dad.

As you step into setting up new boundaries for yourself and your behavior, be careful about the person you bring into your children’s lives. This has more to do with honoring your self-worth and knowing your boundaries. You will have to learn how to discern the signs. You do not need to logically understand the messages you may feel. It can be tricky. You just need to pay attention to your intuitive hit. Just because sex is good or they seem smart and professional, does not mean they’re healthy or emotionally able to show up for your children.

To believe in a future that is different than your past, you have to become different.

You’ll want to stop the gossip and venting. Eventually, creating a budget so you won’t be afraid of the bills. Over time, you may want to get professional help so you can manage how you talk about your divorce, how you interpret it, and what you say about yourself and your part. Doing so colors the people you attract, including future lovers and partners.

Being a single divorced mom is hard because you’ve probably never been a single mom before.

By showing up for yourself and your kids, you’re teaching them about resilience, confidence, commitment, and self-love. They need to see how you’re able to take care of yourself, how you surround yourself with support, and how you ask for the right kind of help when you need it.

My mom has been my biggest supporter since I’ve been a single divorced mom.

She reminds me to put my chin up and to spend money on myself. She encourages me to hire someone to help clean my bathrooms when I need to and to celebrate my successes. My kids are privy to a mom who puts them first. I’ve got a lot to be proud of despite, like you, shouldering twice the work. I hope you’ll now find your struggles with being a single, divorced mom a lot easier to manage because I believe you’re capable of way more than you realize and you’re no longer alone!

Being a Divorced, Single Mom After A Breakup Or A Separation

September 6, 2017

I have the sense that you didn’t plan on being a divorced, single mom when you got married. You probably didn’t plan to raise your kids by yourself without a man until they became young adults either. I know that I didn’t. I never wanted to be a single mom never mind a divorced, single mom. But sometimes God laughs while we’re making plans and the struggles you’re facing as a divorced, single mom are real. They’re also exhausting and you’re often at your wit’s end. How you deal with some of the biggest struggles that come with being a divorced, single mom, will determine the quality of your experience and what you get to teach your kids.

Being a divorced, single mom after a separation or a divorce is a wild ride!

Buckle up… you’re going to be dealing with a lot of stuff. I don’t know of one single, divorced mom who doesn’t complain about parenting by herself. It’s difficult. You have a hard time finding time for yourself. (Unless you lock the bathroom door while you sit and read your IG account.) Your children may need more attention because of all the changes. Yet at the same time, they’re pushing your buttons and testing you. And the work, just to keep your home together (never mind clean or organized) never seems to end.

Layer on top of that the stress of your separation and being a divorced, single mom is a lot of work.

Most single moms need to work or to go back to work. They struggle to find affordable childcare. The hard part is managing the co-parenting schedule and disciplining your kids… being both the mother and the father. The struggle is keeping everything together and functioning. With nonstop pressure, it’s tough for most single moms to not end up on anti-depressants just to get through their days. So what’s a single mom, never mind a divorced, single mom to do?

Pull up your big girl pants. That struggle is yours to tackle.

No matter how many kids you have (News Flash: my mom had 6 kids when she got divorced… ) You get to figure out how to manage on your own for however many years you’ve got left. This is a big win for single moms after the fights, the arguments, and the disagreements with your children’s father. You’re the one who gets to recreate your family dynamics. The rules, the guidelines, the dinner menu, and the weekend plans are yours to create.

You can’t stay in negativity and fear and be a good single parent.

If you complain too loudly and commiserate with your friends you will stay in the overwhelm. When you yell at your ex or moan to teachers and the attorneys or your therapist you can create more trouble for yourself than you want. You don’t want to risk losing your children but more importantly, you’ll simply remain stuck in the overwhelm and fear. The two aren’t a great combination.

As a single mom, you’ve got natural talents – a brain that is designed to multitask and a team at your fingertips.

This is when single moms find out just how strong they really are. You get to teach your children how to help you manage your home. My mom needed our help with the cleaning. We may not have been perfect… when my 3 maiden aunts would visit unannounced, one or two of us were sent to meet them in the yard then show them a garden or two while the rest of us literally (I am not making this up) swept the dust and dirt under the rugs! It was all hands on deck! And we did it. Helping out at home is good for everyone.

You may not feel as if you can handle being a divorced, single mom but you’re showing your kids how to be responsible.

Since most children don’t like cleaning their own room never mind a house with their mom instead of playing outside, you’re giving your kids a chance to dream big. Sure, I also got divorced but my kids and are our own team. Together, we worked together to care for our things. We talk about the important stuff. And we also make our own rules (together) and when I have to, I say “No” and they know I mean it. They understand what it means to make something of themselves. Because together, we made a life independent of the family we all thought we had.

When you’re a single mom who gets up and figures it out, you’re inspiring your children to go for what they want.

I’m not saying there won’t be mistakes. But the mistakes will bring you closer together. You’ll create your own understandings. Whether you initiated the separation or not, you got out from a situation that wasn’t going to continue serving you. There’s a lot to be proud of! As a result, your children will feel that pride, even when they’re scared or confused.

Will you be scared to become a divorced, single mom?

Most definitely. Especially at first. Navigating that first year or two when you’d rather be with a man or out finding a husband, you’ll be steeped in fear and confusion. It’s not the time to share your deepest needs with your kids. It is, however, time to teach your kids how to respect and admire women. This is the time for you to get to know who they’re becoming. Instead of depending upon a guy to distract you from your anxiety.

BTW: your children are completely aware of what’s going on. They may not be able to articulate everything they’re witnessing or be able to converse with you (and that’s not their role). But trust that they know. Your job is to parent them. Not to lean on them for your emotional needs. And definitely not to scare them with your unbridled fears. When they’re afraid, find a way to assure them you’ll figure it all out together.

When you get tired of being a single mom:

This is the time to learn how to take a break. You lock that bathroom door for a minute. Or you let them climb into bed with you when they can’t sleep. When you need to socialize, you let their father have them for the weekend (and not complain he’s messing things up… )

You cope with being a single mom by planning time to rest and to relax.

The hardest thing about taking time for yourself is FOMO… the fear of missing out! As a single mom, you may think if you step away from the pace of your divorce or the latest message tirade from your ex you’ll miss out on a big decision. If you avoid the school gossip or your kids’ sports program, you’ll be seen as a horrible mother or an anti-social, uncaring woman who doesn’t want her kids to get into a good college. Can we all just take a breath?!

The transition is going to take some time and you can go through it with Option A: some semblance of calm or Option B: constantly being riddled with cortisol and adrenaline. (News Flash: I don’t recommend option B.)

Most moms (never mind single or divorced moms) have a tough time taking care of themselves.

But there’s so much at risk if you don’t! We now know how important sleep is for our health. You’re really going to need to relax. You need exercise and you need a good laugh. You may also need a good cry sometimes. On occasion, you simply need to turn off the fighting and watch the Hallmark Channel and let the fight go for a while. Trust that the fight will take as long as it does.

During a separation or a divorce, one way to smile is to take a break and care for yourself.

So please do so. Your kids want to see you smiling! Ask for some help super mom… enroll your kids in doing yoga or meditation with you. Try to get on bicycles together. Or visit a park and walk under the trees. Turn on the TV and watch a movie that’ll make you all laugh.

You may experience some resistance to relaxing and caring for yourself. It’s pretty normal to resist taking care of yourself as a single mom. But it’s also crucial despite how scary or sad you may be. You’re going to want to manage the stress on your mind, body, and spirit in order to parent well. You don’t want to burn out because then it’ll affect your relationship with your kids. So take care of yourself!