Self-care

If You’re Sick Of Feeling Miserable About Your Divorce, Here’s How To Stop Thinking About It

July 13, 2018

The biggest struggle when getting over a breakup or a divorce is the ongoing, non-stop, obsessive thinking loops that keep us worried and feeling miserable about the state of our lives. Of course, you do your best to stop the nonstop inner noise. But the self-criticism, the anger, and the nonstop, internal fighting with your ex are almost impossible to turn off. Are you sick of feeling miserable about your divorce? Here’s how to stop thinking about your breakup for a while. All of it… the good, the bad, the ugly.

What is all this thinking about anyway?

Obsessive thinking loops are just that – thoughts that go round and round your head filling you with miserable feelings. We all obsess about getting over a breakup or a divorce. You work super hard to figure out how to move on after your divorce even when you’re the one who wanted it. Of course, you’re doing your best to deal with your breakup no matter how much it hurts. No one blames you for trying. It’s just much harder to stop thinking about it than we realize.

While your body is in fear… the limbic system… that part of us that relates to all things reptile (yes, think crocs and lizards) has its own wiring. It’s a deep, internal part of our neurology. It also reacts when our lives are in danger. Getting over a breakup or a divorce brings with it enormous change. Change is life-threatening to our limbic systems. So, it makes sense from this point of view that you’re having a tough time turning off the nonstop obsessive thinking loops. In fact, it’s nearly impossible to do so without some outside help and self-awareness.

How to stop being sick of feeling miserable.

Help doesn’t have to come in the form of medication, drugs or even a good cry. Help comes with perspective and new, better coping skills. And then, over time, an acceptance that life is changing and you’re going to have to change too. It’s almost as if you have to let go in the midst of the fear and trust that you’ll be okay. (You will be okay even when you don’t believe it.)

Without the willingness to feel all the feelings and be open to change, you’ll, unfortunately, remain obsessed and unable to cope with your break up. If you’re sick of feeling miserable about your divorce, here are some ways to stop thinking about it for a while.

Think about something else instead of being sick of feeling miserable.

Soooooo much easier said than done! (Haven’t you been trying to do this all along?)

Well, consider this: if your child was ill and needed your immediate attention or your parents needed you at the hospital, I bet you’d forget all about yourself and your breakup almost immediately. You’d put your attention on someone, something else wouldn’t you? You would take action to help those you love immediately.

In fact, if your parents or your children need your help, you would forget about yourself. Instead, you would focus on them and the things you can control. You’d do your best to help. You’d show up ready and able to lend a hand. When others need us, we show up.

Feeling miserable about your divorce, choose to take action.

The best cure for feeling miserable is taking action. Walk outside. Go to the gym. Chop wood. Clean your house. Get into motion and think about taking care of yourself instead of allowing your thoughts to go round and round.

When we’re miserable or obsessed with certain thoughts, it’s tough to shift gears and focus on new things. Getting into activity helps. It may also help you become healthier (and who doesn’t want to become a little healthier or fitter after leaving a relationship?) Activity helps feelings move through our bodies. We are feeling animals and those feelings need to be expressed not repressed and shoved down.

When you move, you help emotions move through you instead of being pushed down and made stagnant. You’ll begin to feel better simply by getting into motion. Then the motion begins to feed upon itself and before you know it, you’ll be running marathons, dancing the tango and getting into the best shape of your life!

Sick of feeling miserable about your divorce? Surround yourself with other people.

Running marathons and learning to tango may not be for you but both have something in common. Both experiences force you to surround yourself with new people. People who are counting on you, who can help you learn a new skill or help you get into better shape.

Surround yourself with new people who never knew you as a couple. That is perhaps, the best thing you can do for yourself.

Not feeling up to meeting new people? Of course, you don’t!

That lizard part of our brains wants us to hide when we’re not feeling good about ourselves. But here’s the thing, when you hide and avoid making new friends or taking action or caring for someone else, your mind plays tricks on you. It’ll say some horrible things about you while you sit there trying to become comfortable with your loneliness or boredom. And, the worst part? You’ll believe it!

Then six months will go by then a year, two years. Before you know it, you’ll look back and several years will have gone by and you’ll still be sitting there feeling miserable about your divorce or breakup!

We all do it.

Everyone getting over a breakup pulls in and wants to hide. We all feel miserable when we start comparing our lives to other people’s lives. (Or when we compare our lives to the ones we used to have. Ouch!)

So, do me a favor. Well, actually, do yourself a big favor… go do something that scares you. A little (no burning buildings please.) Head outside and say hello to a neighbor, head over to the local YMCA and join a team. Take a new class. Begin getting outside and exercising your body. Even when you don’t want to and you won’t want to! Expect not to want to. Be prepared to feel really awkward and embarrassed. Perhaps even afraid.

It’s okay.

You are okay.

You are even safe.

It’s not easy to get your body moving or to focus on something else but it is doable. (Yoga anyone?!) The idea is to get out of your own way and out of your own head. To focus on the things you can control and excel at! Choose to have small wins and to take easy steps. In general, surround yourself with other people also working toward a happier future. And know, the more you take these actions, the easier they’ll become!

How To Prepare For Seeing Your Ex Without It Ripping Your Heart Out

January 5, 2018

How do you prepare for seeing your ex without it ripping your heart out? You see, there are times I still struggle with romantic fantasies that take up space in my mind. And, I still think of him. (Not necessarily the him you may think I’m talking about but the one who broke my heart and is still, years later, my biggest teacher.) We all make mistakes. Let’s explore the things that helped me heal, and some things that didn’t! Because there were moments after that breakup that repeatedly sent me into spasms of pain.

BTW: I ended that relationship, not because I didn’t love him but because I could no longer tolerate lying, cheating, and the gas lighting. I had to learn how to be in his presence when I was and hold my own. When I learned how to do so, my sense of security came back!

First off, the things that DON’T work:

Social Media Stalking: you can’t stalk them on Facebook, Twitter, IG or any other internet, social media platform you two shared.

I’m a BIG proponent of blocking, unfriending, deleting, and muting. I have to. If I don’t block them, I have found, I will end up on a cold winter’s night going down the rabbit hole of internet Hell. I have been known to destroy a perfectly nice evening or two out of boredom and curiosity more than once. I tell myself, it’s just a quick peek and then, hours later, I’m in a puddle of tears feeling sad and sorry for myself.

So my advice… do everything you can to disconnect from them online. And then, hold yourself to not looking, lurking, stalking or tracking down their friends. Don’t do it. In the scheme of things, this is a small but mighty step but it’s not very easy!

If you can’t stop looking at them online, you don’t stand a chance of seeing them in person without it ripping your heart out!

Things that take some time before you can handle them:

Visiting the places you two frequented together. I had a client who loved going to the beaches in CA with his lover. They shared fun, romantic times in the sand and surf (who wouldn’t!?!) After she moved out, he falsely thought he could handle going there alone. Then the emotions got stirred up and it took weeks for the feelings to calm down again!

I completely sympathized with his pain and it made perfect sense. Those places were intimately tied to the love he experienced there. I admit, there are certain parts of Florida and New York City or LA that used to haunt me because of the memories I shared with a lover.

I know the exact spot in Central Park where I got that particular kiss! But yet, cities, restaurants, the roads you walked down together, the movie theater or beach shouldn’t hold you hostage to memories, fantasies or desires. So what do you do?

I recommend taking some time before you venture back. Bring along a good friend and gird yourself for the effort it’ll take to reclaim the streets and places you once knew with them.

This is what I do:

I avoided certain places in NYC (mostly for fear of running into him) and when I felt emotionally ready to tackle the reclaiming part, I gathered my strength and walked the streets. Then I went into the shops, sat and ate in the restaurants, visited the places I went to with him!

At first, I might do this with a good friend admitting perhaps, that I need a little help. If I go alone, I prepare myself! I see him in my mind. I remember what I did, how I felt. Then I declare (to myself in case anyone might call me crazy) that this is my town (restaurant, movie theater, etc) too. That I have a right to be there.

I literally retrace the steps we took. Not to rip the bandage off my heart but to declare to the universe that I have a right to this place too. And it works!

I have reclaimed parts of NYC, other cities, restaurants, theme parks, beaches, movie theaters, even trains! These days those exact same locations no longer cause me pain. I have new(er) memories and get to enjoy the places I learned to love.

Each of us has the right to be happy wherever we want.

It simply takes a little time before the heart is strong enough to experience the grief and help you make a new history.

So, you’re a bit stronger and you have to see them. How do you prepare for seeing your ex?

Get ready for an emotional hit! Your mind and body are going to be hit with a slew of feelings and sensations.

Let’s get real: you’re going to have a lot of fantasies! You’re going to think about saying all the things you ever wanted to creating your own reality TV series in your head.

You’ll rival the leads of the ‘housewife series’ and imagine embarrassing them, their new dates, their new spouses. Maybe you’ll imagine hitting them, hurting them, kissing them, ripping off their clothes. But usually, sorry, none of these things will really happen. (Unless you’re on the ‘housewife series…’)

You will, however, fantasize A LOT so be prepared for lots of crazy thoughts in your head.

You’ll also probably experience physiological reactions… getting turned on, blush, begin perspiring. Maybe you’ll experience time completely and utterly slowing down when you see them as if everything is happening in slow motion.

Preventing your heart from being ripped out.

You may want to cover your eyes with sunglasses. Perhaps, you’ll try to hide or at least avoid their eyes. I stare at their chests, their feet (not looking in the eyes) but yet still notice every single detail of what they’re doing, where they’re standing, and who they’re with.

Your entire system will be on alert… not because you want to jump their bones (though you may want to) but because they’re dangerous to you!

Your entire system is going to protect you and protection takes all our senses when we have a real enemy in front of us.

But, you’re still in love with them you say! You want them in your arms and in your bed. You don’t hate them, don’t want to commit illegal and immoral acts against them. (The way I wanted to.) You’re simply in pain and wish they would just take you back into their arms and make mad, passionate love to you the way it once was.

Sure you do.

All of you or just the scared part? All of you or the part that’s frightened and hurt by every relationship you’ve ever had going back to the love you didn’t get from mom or dad. I’m serious about this. Let’s ground ourselves in the truth.

The relationship ended not because they’re your soulmate. But for a slew of other reasons that you’ve thought about and dealt with long before it actually ended.

Even if the facts blindsided you. The way I was. Because behind all the lies and tears, all the drama I put myself through and all the love I thought I was experiencing, I knew better. There were things my soul and my heart knew that my head totally ignored or thought I could control and overcome. We all do this to ourselves – over and over and over again. Until we stop.

Mind your mind: your mind is a foolish part of you. There I said it! Your mind will play tricks on you, cause you to dream, cause you to feel victimized and then justify the sadness you’re enduring. It’s going to hurt to see them and you need to make your mind your ally, not your enemy. This is a lot harder than we mere humans have learned.

Ignore the turn-on: your body is going to react to seeing them. Seriously. Hard, wet, swirly, girly, puffing out your chest… anything and everything is going to be on alert when you see them. And you’re going to have to ignore every one of those sensations. You can’t sleep with them no matter how flirtatious or kind; no matter the apology or their interest in you.

You must walk away. My friend calls it quicksand… you have to grab the rope of sanity and keep yourself on dry land. It’s tough. But if you succumb to a romp in the hay, you’d as well start all over again.

How do you prepare for seeing your ex? Stop waiting for that apology.

Once a heart is broken, you think the only person who can mend it is the person who left or who hurt you and that’s the last person who can truly help you.

It’s just not fair but what your ego wants is that apology. Whereas, what your heart wants, is for you to stay far, far away from them.

It’s this duality that’s going on inside. We think we need them to grovel and come back or beg us to come back. But that’s just those fantasies again. So the apology isn’t from them. The apology you need is the one you give yourself for loving someone who could hurt you so badly. It’s a sobering personal moment.

How do you prepare for seeing your ex? Be prepared for grieving.

Your heart is going to hurt when you see them, especially if they’re your most important teacher. I hate to admit this to you. I wish I could write that you’re going to be fine. You will be. Eventually.

At first, the first few times you see them, it’s really going to throw you. So stay away from them as long as you can.

Even if they’re the other parent to your children. (I do everything I can to stay away from those who hurt me – why throw salt on a wound?) But when you do see them, know you’ll have a slew of feelings and physiological sensations. Then, over time, as you heal, as you gain greater clarity and wisdom, it’ll get easier and easier.

Will you ever be able to handle it? Yes. Over and over again as you heal and feel better about the ending of something that wasn’t supposed to work out in the first place. Will you love them still? Even a little? Possibly. Probably. But not to the degree you once did.

How do you prepare for seeing your ex? As you heal, and put your life together again, you’ll be able to see them without falling apart.

The last time I saw him, it still hurt a little but he looked bloated, stressed, and unhealthy. The turn-on was gone. As I’ve created a new life for myself and took back those streets and restaurants, I realized if he didn’t want to be my true love, why in the world would I spend any more time thinking about him?

Want more?

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit The Better Divorce ebook.

You Are Worthy Of Love After A Divorce – The Top 4 Battle Tested Tips You Need For Coping With Loneliness

December 15, 2017

Feeling unwanted and lonely during divorce cuts to the core of who we are. I recall feeling as if I was disposable and used simply as a means to have children. Too many people question self-worth for quite a while after a breakup. Here are 4 tips for coping with loneliness after a divorce. It’s time to take back your power and your self-worth! This is yours to manage and to own, not someone else’s. You may need to get a few new tools and embody a new perspective to cope with and overcome the loneliness many get after divorce. But remember this, you are worthy of love. This is personal work that works!

Tip #1 to overcome loneliness after divorce:

Being lonely is a feeling and feelings won’t kill you. They may make you cry or want to withdraw from others, but you won’t die because of a few tears. And they don’t mean you’re not worthy of love. So set some time aside (I recommend 10 minutes) and allow yourself a good cry. Then wash your face and focus on the present moment. You’ve got a life to create.

You are worthy of love and respect.

This is really important. All too often we’ve been taught that tears make us weak, un-masculine or out-of-control. You’ve probably been accused of using tears to keep people from leaving you. Sometimes, the tears of loneliness are just cleansing and necessary. My guess: you’re not just crying out of feeling lonely. You’ve made the divorce a statement about your self-worth and your place in the world. You may even be crying for all the years you felt alone during your marriage.

This meaning is going to haunt you until you choose to make the meaning of your separation bigger than the story you’re telling yourself. Shift the context – you are worthy of being loved and there’s a very good reason why your marriage ended. So, create an empowering story for yourself and your self-worth.

Tip #2 coping with being lonely rather than admitting you messed up.

Sometimes, I’ll have a client who feels they’re not worthy of love, success or happiness because they’re the one who imploded the marriage by having an affair. The fact of the matter may be that you were betrayed by adultery or that you were the one who had sex with someone other than your monogamous spouse. But neither of these actions, in my opinion, warrant a life sentence of loneliness.

I consider affairs a big, ole wake-up call whether or not the marriage survives it.

Punishing yourself by staying aloof and sad, feeling rather sorry for yourself and what you may or may not have done or could have prevented, doesn’t serve anyone. It keeps you depressed, lost, a victim of your own life.

It may be time to rewrite the story of adultery and acknowledge that some marriages no longer serve both partners. Inevitably, as a coach, I learn that both partners were remiss in maintaining the affection and love we have come to expect and want from monogamous relationships. Sometimes, the most loving thing one can do is to end a union. Usually, it’s liberating. An act that’s often ungracious, mean, and self-serving but which can ultimately, lead to enormous growth for both people if looked at in a certain way.

Tip #3 ‘what others think of you is none of your business…’

In feeling sorry for ourselves, we make others’ opinions of us mean so much more than we should. It really doesn’t matter what other people think. It’s up to you to define your life and to create meanings that empower your circumstances.

In other words, you’re the one who has to get up each day, head to work or manage a home, and you’re the one who has to take care of yourself, your loved ones, and your community. You. Not them. The more power we give to others, the more we let them define how we feel, and the more we give our self-awareness and self-worth away.

I hear you-you care what other people have to say. (So do I.) But, not at the expense of my self – worth, peace of mind, and emotional state. I know there are days you feel awful – that’s clear! But how about taking a good look in the mirror and see how you’ve got way more control over yourself and your circumstances than you give yourself credit? I suspect you’re capable of creating a great future… one step at a time. And frankly, it’s no one else’s business what you do (as long as the ‘hurting others’ part doesn’t happen.)

Tip #4 – there are no losers in personal growth

You’ve gotten this far and now you’re stuck. Perhaps, you’re feeling like a wet noodle with snot running down your face, a beer in hand, a cigarette, and the fear of a future by yourself staring you in the face. Ugh! It’s a wonder you’ve gotten out of bed today.

But there comes a time when we must choose to grow and that’s right about the time, you’re feeling sad, scared, lonely and alone. It’s called being vulnerable, not invincible. Sorry, but you’re not invincible on the other side of divorce. We don’t usually talk about this kind of vulnerability.

Being divorced is not a death sentence. You get to decide to heal, to re-rack for a bit and to focus on yourself and mending your broken parts before trying to find someone else to fill that void. If you don’t, if you rush into a new relationship, chances are, it’ll be messy and you’ll end up right back here in sadness.

So do yourself a favor and find a mentor. Know that without a structure, a community or a system for healing, it’s tough to know how to cope with depression or loneliness due to divorce. You’re worth taking a stand for well-being and happiness! You’re worthy of love.

3 Personal Tips For Coping With Divorce Due To Infidelity

November 3, 2017

The experience of coping with divorce due to infidelity is hard to do. Infidelity can eat at our psyche. Even long after a divorce decree is signed. Too often, it makes us question everything: our sex appeal, our judgment, our willingness to open our hearts and minds to love again. Infidelity makes us feel less-than easily harming self-esteem and self-worth. Here are 3 personal tips for coping with divorce due to infidelity.

It’s the lies more than anything when coping with divorce due to infidelity.

Sometimes, it’s not so much the actual affair in and of itself that hurts, as much as the on-going betrayal and lies that occurred. As adults, many of us have had transactional sex and many marriages are salvaged and made better even after short-term affairs. The difficult part with infidelity is coping with the betrayal – the lies and manipulation that one’s most intimate friend and the supposed partner created to sustain the actions and justify what they were doing over a long period of time. This is when infidelity cuts deep and hope for a happy future is left behind.

We are fascinated by other people.

We’re deeply involved with the lives of our spouses. I’ve found that after infidelity and divorce, there is this on-going, obsessive thinking loop about what and why and how and when the cheating partner broke marital vows and broke up a marriage. This thinking and ensuing feelings go on a really long time without intervention and perspective. It becomes it’s own self-perpetuating habit and affects everything like binge-watching Netflix in the family kitchen during dinner.

It’s important to put things in a big perspective and pull your attention back from them. They are gone. He was a cheater. She lied, wove stories, manipulated, and controlled. It was for a lot of reasons including for the rush of power and control. Sometimes it verges on being sociopathic. Oftentimes it’s narcissistic. Usually, it’s simply mean or the only way to end something that wasn’t working on a very deep level.

For those left in the wake of infidelity, I encourage seeking good help.

Your future self-needs some hope and optimism. It’s time to stop the anger, worrying, and righteousness. The habitual self-criticism doesn’t help. You have to shift the focus back from them to your own heart, mind, and spirit. Back to your life. Which is a lot easier said than done. There’s no shortcut to healing a broken heart and the loss of trust that infidelity creates. Part of your healing has to be the development of self-discipline over how you think about yourself. You will need to relearn how you talk to yourself. What you do to yourself and to others, as a result, is part of the healing.

Daily, consistent, sustained effort is part of coping with divorce due to infidelity.

Every day you’ll be plagued with questions of how they did it and why. You will obsess over what it meant or means about you as a lover, a person or a co-parent. If you’re not disciplined, you’ll obsess for hours on end. Maybe even wanting to seek revenge (even if you don’t do anything about your fantasies) and you’ll want to use your children to get even. To punish. If you’re not careful, you’ll be asking, “why should they see your kids when they broke up the family?” The self-righteousness will eat at you if you let it. This is an important reason why caring for yourself is so necessary. And giving yourself a safe place to process, critical.

You matter:

Pulling the attention away from them and back on to you while you’re dealing with a new life is difficult. You won’t feel worthy of being important. You’ll make excuses about how much work you have to do and how you have to do everything for your kids. Remember, you matter. You’re entitled to have fun, to laugh, and to smile. Hope is available even when you’re having a tough day!

You have a right to a great life.

Don’t be embarrassed (or ashamed) to admit you’re grateful. You have a new chance at life. At love. Regardless of how you’re feeling, it’s true. You have a right to a great life with someone, if you wish, who can respect and cherish you more than they care about themselves.

The quiet moments are tough when you’re coping with divorce due to infidelity.

It’s easy to say the right things to your friends and family on a good day when you know how to get them to leave you alone. Anxiety usually creeps in during the quiet moments. Mostly, late at night or when the kids are with their other parent. Those are the moments you’re going to have to be extra careful and kind to yourself. Just when you’re trying to relax, you’ll start to be alert to negative habitual thoughts or feelings that find their way in.

I worked extra hard to develop my self-discipline at those times. It wasn’t easy to learn how to manage my thoughts and feelings so they wouldn’t take me down. But I processed by writing, giving myself permission to feel the things I didn’t want to. It wasn’t ever easy. The work gave me a good understanding of the parts of my belief system that needed attention.

There’s nothing wrong with you:

You will mend and you will love again if you want to. But unfortunately, it doesn’t just happen. You won’t wake up one day and fall in love without putting in the effort to heal. And it also, usually, doesn’t happen all at once either so don’t panic! The fear which is slowing you down is important and justified at the moment. But I also don’t want you to think there’s something wrong. Nothing’s wrong with you! Those tears are normal. Your anger justified. Your fear warranted. It’s staying stuck in these emotional states for a long time (like years and years, and years) that becomes the problem. I call it Post Traumatic Divorce Disorder™.

Feel Your Feelings:

While you’re in fear or crying, please feel those feelings. You are simply processing. Sometimes I find people think they need to be matter-of-fact about the infidelity, too embarrassed to admit it. It makes perfect sense not to spread gossip about yourself in your community or at the office. But then, if you don’t feel safe in your community, you’ll need to find safe support elsewhere.

Furthermore, you owe this to yourself. You need to know you’re not alone. Eventually, you will learn a new way of thinking about it all (that big perspective) and you’ll want to have a new group of friends. Over time, you’ll even have the courage to step back out into the world with more self-esteem, proud of the work you’ve done for yourself.

Love is worth it:

Hopefully, you may even want someone next to you in your bed at night. (Animals don’t count.) At that point, knowing what you know, you’ll have a better picker. You’ll be more open to dating, more transparent about your needs, able to communicate your boundaries. There is value in being seen and heard, respected and loved. I know love is possible.

With scars, it takes courage, time, a system and a good mentor. Your heart, mind, and spirit need you to focus on you. Your new partner – the one who matters – needs you to focus on you for the time being and then to make the courage to meet them. To trust again. The hope I speak of is real and attainable when you focus on yourself and your healing after infidelity.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of The Better Divorce and doingDivorce™ School – online coaching programs for those ready to shed the pain of breakups. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com

3 Tips For How To Survive Infidelity And Divorce (Of Your Friends)

August 22, 2017

Your friend calls deeply upset, shaken declaring, “they had an affair.” The air leaves the conversation as you try to reconcile how to survive infidelity and divorce around you. The stilted dialogue becomes upsetting and the questions swirl. How do you handle this kind of news? How do you hold your friend’s news amidst your own anxiety and fear? You know it could happen so easily to anyone who’s married. You mumble a few choice words, offer apologies and your condolences, ask what they’re going to do. And hang up as soon as possible.

So often, when news of a friend’s infidelity filters into our conversations, the reaction is personal fear. You end up concentrating on your own marriage, your relationship, and what’s happening in your marital bed. You try to recall the last time you made love to your spouse, your lover and you wonder, if you haven’t in a while, “will it happen to me too?” How you survive infidelity is a deeply personal decision. Its roots in religious beliefs, political views, and often the size of your bank account.

How to survive infidelity and divorce is a deeply personal decision.

There’s a common misperception that a set of rules that blanket religious dogma will keep you safe. Or you wrongly imagine that your community of friends would never have an affair. You consider how you grew up, your dad, uncles, and aunts – would they have had an affair? Did they step out of the marriage? Is that what that fight you overheard as a kid was all about?

The news of an affair brings up power imbalances in all relationships – including yours.

The story makes you look at how your default behavior has been playing out over the course of your marriage. The news will hopefully, make you consider what you need to do differently, better.

Have you ever noticed how each time you hear about an affair, you begin to focus almost entirely on your spouse? Perhaps, mentally chastising them for all the mistakes they’ve made? Are you aware of how you immediately begin the dance of “if I do this, they’ll love me…” forgetting that you too have a vested stake in keeping yourself whole, fulfilled, and respected in your marriage?

Below are 3 tips on how to survive infidelity and divorce whether you’re the one directly experiencing the news or not. These tips are about you – not your lover and this time around they’re also about your reactions to the news of others’ heartaches. One of the biggest mistakes in marriages is putting your partner first over and over again.

Take back the focus for a while and take care of you.

Wouldn’t it be nice to take back your power and focus on your own well-being and happiness? Selflessly giving, giving, giving =’s exhausting, resenting, and no sexing… (couldn’t resist). When you over give to the point you’ve nothing left to offer, it’s almost impossible to show up generous, desirous or even wanting to make love. No adult needs another child – they need a partner. They need reciprocity. Everyone needs mutual adoration, acceptance, conversation, fun, and intimacy.

The moment you find yourself over-sharing, over-giving, over-indulging and catering to the adult in your bed… you’ve become, essentially, their mother or father. And we don’t make love to our parents.

You’re allowed to take time for yourself – to do things that recharge your energy and drive.

Things that turn you on so that you have something to share and something new to talk about. You’re allowed to ask for your spouse to uphold his or her marital agreements to provide intimacy. You’re allowed to play as two consenting adults.

This is how you survive infidelity – you make sure your needs are met so there’s no need for an affair.

Put up those mental boundaries when you hear about others’ infidelity and divorce.

Your friend’s relationship truly has little to nothing to do with your lover, your relationship, and your marriage. It has to do with them and theirs. If you’re the kind of person who loves living their own personal reality TV show, you’re making a huge mistake. That story you’re watching has nothing to do with what’s really going on.

Like a reality TV show, there’s been an entire life happening behind the news you’re hearing about. When you indulge the story of others trying to survive infidelity and divorce, remember, you’re simply getting the highlight reel!

Don’t fall prey to the machinations of an angry and hurt partner. If you do, you’ll start making up dialogue and question your own partner’s behavior. You’ll follow along blindly and neglect your own self-care that includes enjoying and adoring your lover. It’s important to keep your thoughts clean and focused on what you want. Not on what your friend is dealing with. It’s actually not a healthy friendship when or if your marriage begins to fall apart because you’re not keeping a healthy boundary.

Equalize the power in all your relationships.

Just as important as it is to make sure you have boundaries with your friendships, it’s equally important to maintain the same footing with your lover. Whether you’re married or not. When power imbalances begin to occur – due to status, personality or health worries and fears begin to creep in. You wonder if your relationship is on an even keel asking: “Are they being faithful?” “What are they doing when they travel for work?” “Do they need me now that they’re earning more money than I am and I’m staying home raising the kids?”

When there’s a power imbalance between lovers, there are many parts of the relationship that are too easy to blame.

A spouse making more money or a lover able to travel are opportunities to break agreements at home. When status changes, it’s important to have a frank conversation. You may want to reevaluate the agreements and make sure the two of you are on the same page. Whether you’re comfortable renegotiating the terms and redefining the roles or not, doing so has to happen in partnerships. None of us have great relationships just because. Most of us have to spend time communicating not doing marriages by default. If you are just doing it by default, know you may be inviting trouble.

There’s no reason to invite in trouble! You can survive infidelity and divorce (of your friends!)

As those around you struggle with their relationships, reevaluating your own requires the willingness to own up to what’s not working. While also being able to keep others’ stories from affecting your commitments to one another. You can survive infidelity and divorce – especially when you don’t make others’ issues something for you to worry about.