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Laura Bonarrigo

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rite of passage

Why I Love Moving And Starting Over-Especially After A Divorce

October 4, 2016

Men lifting boxes show how moving and starting over can be great fun.

A new future awaits you!  But for most people, especially those going through a divorce, moving and starting over is challenging. The redecorating, and the smell of sawdust is stressful. I’m a little different. I love the creative aspect of setting up a new home. I enjoy picking out fixtures and working with contractors and designers. If I had another life… I would be a contractor like my grandfather and brothers. I would definitely choose to build or redo buildings. That’s why redoing life is so exciting and fun for me.

Before you stop reading, let me try to ease your heart palpitations because I know I’m not like most people. Most people get completely stressed out with moving. The overwhelm of doing a renovation is often too much. Buying new furniture and everything that re-decorating requires, especially during a divorce, isn’t easy. For me, it’s the fun part.

Working the exterior is similar to imagining a new future free from the stuff of the past.

I think of moving and starting over the way I think of September when school began. When the back to school shopping made me think I could be prom queen. Or like when I went to college and stepped into a new identity. Those were the moments when the future appeared doable. They made it seem as if I could become anyone I wanted to be.

The same goes with leaving the stuff behind in divorce. By leaving the furniture you got from the in-laws or the clothing you wore because someone else liked it, you get to start anew. When you let go of the books, antiques and dust collectors that you purchased on your honeymoon, you’re saying goodbye to a different part of your life.

All that stuff you had during that relationship carries energy, memories and lost dreams.

They may be things you love. Maybe, the stuff is stuff you’re willing to fight over. (I’m not a big fan of that.) Perhaps you think you can sell it for good money. Maybe all of that even.

But starting over looks like starting over with a clean slate. Finding new furniture and new clothing that you love today. Getting new dishes, silver, and glasses to feed the friends you want to spend time with. Finding artwork you love and items you admire.

Starting with the exterior allows you to work from the outside in. Then it pushes you to work the inside out.

That may mean setting up a man cave the way you always wanted. Or throwing out the clothes that don’t fit. Then applying for that 0% credit card with your excellent credit report so you can go shopping for the things you want. Moving and starting over means making what you imagine as a new future for yourself real.

Moving and starting over instead of being wrapped up in a fight gives you a chance to stop being involved with someone from your past.

Leaving the stuff to avoid a fight means letting go of competition. When you walk away from the drama of the past, you put up boundaries. You create faith when you imagining a happy future for yourself. Getting your money and finances in order so you can purchase what you want is being responsible. Making courage to shop declares you believe in you. When you tap into your creativity, you remind yourself of who you really are.

You welcome a new future when you set up a warm and inviting space to call home.

I’ve moved homes 17 times. Not counting the summers my family went from Massachusetts to Maine when I was a kid. Or, going back and forth to college. I guess looking at it that way, I’ve been forced to find it fun. But each and every time was a chance to be different. To grow and to become happier than I was the day before. Even if things were great the day before.

Each moving and starting over opportunity came with its challenges. At the same time, each required I change the exterior and the interior at once. I find it fun, an exercise in imagination. The re-organization, a huge relief. The past is left physically in the past with everything that belongs there.

The Better Divorce 25-page ebook link.

Filed Under: Breakups, Life Lessons Tagged With: rite of passage, starting over

The Entire Process Of Divorce-What Exactly Are The Steps?

July 25, 2016

The entire process of divorce is doable as this man with arms stretched out to the sun realizes.The entire process of divorce can take months or it can take years to get through. It really is up to you and what you’re willing and able to tackle in order to learn from the experience. People ask me all the time, ‘what exactly are the steps?’ Whether you’d like to admit to this or not, your entire process of divorce is a modern-day rite of passage. It’s what many of us do so to grow and change.

Judgment aside, ending something that wasn’t working is a good thing.

We get to grow and change. But like every rite of passage, sometimes it’s not easy. And usually, we don’t grow during the easy times. Often more experienced individuals are required to help guide you on your way.  Just like in school, going through a divorce is a commitment that requires real-time, money, energy, and inspiration!

For most people, the legal steps are fairly routine even if they’re stressful and expensive. You file a petition, obtain temporary orders, and serve your soon-to-be ex-spouse. You and your lawyer wait for a response. Then hopefully, negotiations will start and end your legal separation without needing litigation or trial.

In mediation, each party tries to frame their position and negotiate terms. Then the settlement documents go to court for approval. Some states require co-parenting classes which is a great thing for co-parents. Unfortunately, some cases require financial or psychological forensics. Too often for many families, there are domestic violence issues and family court. Each of these legal steps has their own timeline and rhythm.

On a certain level, you imploded your life so you could go through this awesome and life-changing rite of passage.

On the emotional side, things take a less linear route. There are certain factors to consider like the length of time you were married. Or the habits you formed. This is your personal healing work. The entire process of divorce requires you to understand the agreements you tolerated and the practices you honed in order to not repeat the patterns going forward.

A signed divorce decree means true healing can really begin.

A good measure goes like this. Take the AA 12 steps that apply to you and your understanding of a universal spirit. Add the 7 stages of grief, the 4 steps to codependency recovery, and the 5 phases of abandonment recovery. Then mush them all together. Believe it or not, that’s what you have to do to get through the entire process of divorce!

The entire process of divorce is conscious, deliberate, and not to be taken for granted.

As you decouple from the energy that attracted you to your ex in the first place, you get to work through the grief towards acceptance. Then you begin to rebuild your self-esteem, your pocketbook, and your emotionally safe boundaries. The more secure you become, the better your ability to trust again. That will enable you to restart your mojo.

Healing makes us accept our human foibles, emotional crutches, and to take responsibility for our part in the breakup. Then we learn to forgive letting go of shame in the process. As you do, you will develop faith, hope, and confidence.

The amazing thing is you get to start over with only you to decide what kind of life you want to have.

You can continue living a great life while doing your work. Perhaps you may even fall in love again and remarry in the process. Most likely, the healthier and clearer you become, the more money you will earn. And the more opportunities will come your way. However, you must become conscious and self-aware. There are no shortcuts. It’s a process that wakes you up because we take ourselves wherever we go.

The entire process of divorce demands respect.

This is one of my most cherished expressions. Because you can’t just wrap it up and pretend it never happened. Too many people try to replace one lover with another and expect to be healed. You can’t argue and fight for the rest of your future either. Chances are you aren’t sick or incompetent. You’re just scared and hurt and angry wanting to forget about all of it. Find a thinking partner like a divorce coach. You don’t want your new love and new life to reek of the healing work you haven’t done. Find someone to help you understand what’s going on.

Link for The Better Divorce 25-page ebook.

Filed Under: Breakups, Divorce Process Tagged With: New Beginning, rite of passage

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