Relationships

Powerful Love Life Advice To Help After Losing A Soulmate

October 3, 2019

Losing a soulmate sucks. It hurts like nobody’s business. For many of us, our love life consumes our lives. You’re looking for serious, powerful advice when you’ve lost your soulmate. The number of places I’ve turned to is long: friends, coaches, therapists, books, my own inner spirit. On and on. Where you turn to for powerful love life advice is important. When you’ve lost your soulmate, you look everywhere!

Losing a soulmate sucks.

Love is sublime, powerful, kind, in essence, great! We love being in love. But when a love ends, when you’re in the position that you’re the one who’s lost your soulmate, it can be crippling. I’ve been in bed, on the couch, unable to function more times than I wish to count. Each time, it became worse than before. That is until I figured out what was up.

Turn to a trusted source for powerful love life advice.

Trusted sources for love life advice are few and far between. I personally don’t read magazine articles anymore. They put me in my head and made me feel bad about myself, the choices I’ve made, and the men I slept with. Designed to make me judge myself, I do not read general advice.

I also don’t turn to religion or religious texts or therapists. I appreciate and respect religious wisdom and adore my therapist friends. But I don’t find solace in the past. The past is over and done with, and understanding what I’ve done doesn’t always help me move forward.

Instead, I look towards patterns: my behavior patterns, the way I usually do things. Then, I seek out alternative ways to have a successful love life. I find this information in the cutting edge of behavioral science. Losing a soulmate causes me to reflect on my life and my patterns. I am sure it does this for most people.

It doesn’t take hours or years to see your love-life patterns.

We do things over and over again until we’re either sick of ourselves or we’re sick of the results. (Usually, those two things go hand in hand.) I find that it doesn’t take hours or years to see patterns. They are the things that feel most comfortable. Or the way we behave in each relationship, giving us the same results. They are the things we identify with, and when we go to change them, it feels strange.

But just because things feel strange, awkward, or self-conscious doesn’t make them wrong or bad. To change means to be bold. Admitting what we’ve been doing hasn’t given us the desired results. When you’ve lost your soulmate, how you do your love life needs to be shaken up! The energy it takes to re-rack and move forward comes from the very pain you’re experiencing when you lose your soulmate.

It’s that sucky feeling that drives the next decision. Decisions create the actions and whatever consequences that come about. If you want a soulmate to stick around, you must take those awful feelings and channel them into making decisions that create new actions and results. It seems scientific and clinical. It is. It’s how we’re wired.

Being in love is a fantastic feeling.

Most of us love being in love. But it’s tough to grasp our part in losing a soulmate without understanding how we do our love lives. If you’re struggling to understand why, let’s examine your patterns together. I promise it won’t be long before you have a healthy, happy soulmate again!

3 Ways To Be Excited About Your Marriage (No Matter What)

March 3, 2019

Marriage statistics tell us that there are fewer divorces these days because there are fewer marriages. I think that’s a good thing – lots less heartache all around. But often those bored with the state of their relationship believe the problems lie with their spouses. Not them. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way just like not getting married, won’t save you from heartache when a relationship breaks apart. I’m convinced there are 3 ways to be excited about your marriage no matter what.

To be excited about your marriage is rather simple actually…

Listen to her… she wants you to see her and to hear her. To be next to her when she’s upset and to be patient as she’s working things out. This is not merely a feminine need. We all need to be seen and heard. We crave a thinking partner when we’re stuck and we hate being taken for granted. Those values aren’t simply a male-female thing, they’re a human thing.

Listening up gives us a chance to be there for someone else. To show up. It helps you feel like you have something to offer. I think it’s an example of loving another person. When you feel good about what you do for others, you stand a chance of feeling good about your marriage.

Thank him… he needs you to remember he’s not simply a meal ticket. He wants you to appreciate what he brings to your life, how he provides for your children, and keeps a roof over your head by slugging it out everyday at work.

Showing affection and being grateful for what another gives will give you a chance to get more. Male or female, we will give more when we feel others are enthusiastic about what we bring to the table whether it’s money, gifts or simply the things we do for another. That includes staying home and raising the children.

Have sex… I’m almost embarrassed to write this but you’d be surprised how often couples stop having sex and then they wonder why they’re not excited about their marriages!

Having sex with your spouse or your partner is the #1 way to be excited about your marriage no matter what!

Now we know that having sex isn’t always easy – there are babies and late nights at the office. But if you’re not having sex with your spouse, then who is? You didn’t just pair up to make a baby or to get a roof, chances are you were attracted to this spouse enough to ask them to spend the rest of your life with you.

So enjoy them. Keep yourself healthy so you can enjoy them and help them want to have sex with you too.

If you’re unhappy with the state of your relationship, bored with the usual routine, and unsure of how to mix things up, consider these 3 ways to be excited about your marriage no matter what. You have a chance to recreate your relationship every day. Take advantage of the bond marriage gives you and step up. I suspect, you’ll thank me in the end.

Juicy Things No One Ever Tells You About Life Being A Sexy Single Mom

July 24, 2018

I doubt you planned on being a single mom. At least not one who would be home with kids (of all ages) and then be interested in dating and having sex. Being a sexy single mom, you may question how to parent responsibly and have a personal life. Especially if you’re the one with primary custody and little time to herself. The struggle to be a sexy, single mom is real but it’s also doable. Here are juicy things no one ever tells you about life as a single mom and having sex that will help you put some of this into perspective.

Dating as a single mom interested in having sex.

MILF… the title introduced to me as a divorced mom. For those of you unsure of what this means, it means, a “mom I’d like to f – ck.” Who knew?! I felt utterly naive. With that title came a lot of come-ons… men, young enough to be my sons hitting on me at networking events, men with pregnant wives needing a little attention, men who expected sex with first date cocktails, and men who simply expected I’d choose them just… well, because. It was a whole new world.

Dating as a single mom negated one very big part of my life: my children. Their well-being, their safety, their happiness, the changes they were going through, and the pain they were reconciling with. Not a single one of those MILF seeking men considered my kids. Of course, they didn’t. And for that reason, none of them got me into bed. Because my kids came first.

The struggle with being a single mom who wants sex.

Most divorced parents do their best to balance personal needs and desires with parenting. I’ve seen all sorts of behavior and am not here to judge. The woman who can enjoy casual sex while her kids are in school or with their other parent is as empowered to me as those who choose to stay home, quiet, feeling the feels, and not getting involved with men. Each is a winner in my book!

When a mom hides her sexual life, she is in a way, protecting her children. It only seems natural to not want to share that part of our personalities with our kids. After all, most married parents don’t share this part of their relationship with their children either, so it feels like the right thing to do.

The hard part comes when there are no boundaries. That’s when the struggle to balance mothering with being a sexy single mom again becomes real. You have to figure out how to make being a single mom work around having sex without your child getting involved with your love life. You have to manage childcare with intercourse, dating with diapers, and “uncle so and so” with questions about why he’s in bed with you in the morning. None of this is easy.

It’s empowering to figure out how to be a sexy single mom.

I have found that women, moms, are pretty creative people! You really can have it all, it just takes a little more effort and finesse than you might be used to.

Being a sexy single mom, hopefully, you’ve got some support – their father is a great place to start with secure childcare. No dad around? How about a family member or exchanging babysitting with another mom in your same position? Ask a young teacher at school or find a neighborhood teen who wants to earn some money. The effort to find competent childcare is real but not doing so and inviting your children into your sex life, cannot be an option. So find someone to help you!

Being a single mom, you have needs and desires.

Once childcare is arranged you can remember your sexy single self for a while. However, even when you no longer need to play the role of mom, your desires may need a little coaxing to come out. This may take a bit longer than when you were young and single.

You may need to plan a little more self-care time prepping with a bath, some oils, a cute outfit, and a fun evening to look forward to.

You may need to have your hormones checked! We assume feeling randy is natural (and it is) but if you’re new to dating again, you may want to visit your MD and have a full checkup to make the experience less daunting.

You may need to leave your home! Feeling sexy in the same place where you’re the disciplinarian, grocery shopper, diaper changing, the meal prepping parent may not allow you to easily remember your Tantra yoga moves.

You may need to set up some new guidelines to keep your life simple:

no one young enough to be your son
maybe not in your bed at home
stay away from those who smoke, drink, or use (role modeling and all matters)
forget those who don’t have a job or a place to call their own
be careful of men who may hit on your teenage daughter

Of course, when you’re turned on, a little tipsy, out with your girlfriends or at an event, all rules may be thrown to the wind. But it’ll feel pretty awkward in the light of day when some guy (young enough to be your son) steps over toys coming out of your bedroom and expects you to make him breakfast… So guidelines are a good thing to help avoid the post-sex vulnerability hangover. Not having them just complicates things.

A single mom wants sex…

Sure you do. Of course, you do! Please have sex if that’s what you want. Just don’t make things any more complicated than they have to be.

Separate your life. Be a mom here, a lover there. Keep your sensual, sexual side away from your parenting. Not because you’re not allowed to have both, but because your kids won’t like it. When our kids don’t like certain aspects of our personalities, they make our lives difficult.

Teenagers do not want to know that their sexy single mom is having sex.

Your teenagers truly do not want to know about your casual sex life. They don’t want to see you all dressed up and tipsy hanging onto the arm of a cute stranger. Your teenage daughter doesn’t want to compete with you for the car or to sit home with her younger siblings while you spend the night somewhere else. And they don’t want to see someone they barely know coming out of your bedroom in the morning. They want you to be their mother.

Don’t play the fool.

Do not fool yourself into thinking that your teenagers can handle your sex life. They can’t. Your young adults can’t either. In fact, your children, no matter what age, do not want to know about your sexy, single side. That is your secret.

When parents, single moms, mix the two: parenting with their sexy, single side – things get truly messy. I can’t stress this enough. You can have your sex. (Please do if it’s important to you.) Just don’t involve your kids.

Kids, traditionally born into wedlock, just don’t get it.

All kids have a hard enough time dealing with their parents’ divorce, adding intimacy on top of that blurs their roles. Unfortunately, when that happens, they’ll lose respect for you! They will feel insecure and hurt if your latest lover leaves and then have to start all over again when a new one comes into their lives. They will make your life miserable if they don’t like your newest crush. And they won’t trust love themselves as a result.

These are not lessons a single mom wants to teach her kids. Too many teens or young adults are forced into participating in their mom’s sexy, single side and it’s simply not fair. They’re not the ones who need to be the chaperone. And when the roles get mixed up, they will resent the parent who does so. It’s not worth it.

Being a sexy single mom is awesome and juicy!

It truly is. You know what you know about men, being hurt, having fun. You know how to parent and run your home. You’ve figured out what kind of man is safe. And you know your body. Now it’s time to play within the proper boundaries keeping that part of your personality separate so that you can enjoy some fun while keeping the respect you’ve worked so hard to get from your kids.

I can’t wait to hear how it goes!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com.

Scared of Dating After Divorce? You Should Be

April 5, 2018

Scared of Dating After Divorce? You Should Be If you’re like many people leaving an unhappy marriage, I believe that you’re on a quest, looking for love. So naturally, dating after divorce features prominently in the hearts and minds of those separating. Love is our calling card and those in the midst of breakups are in desperate need of love.

Often times, dating means finding new sex, comfort, maybe even evidence that you’re just fine and ready for the rest of what life has to offer.

Unfortunately, for many, that optimism is short-lived especially after a series of uncomfortable dates or needy love-making. Are you scared of dating after divorce? You should be if you’re unprepared and misguided.

Let’s assume you want to find the perfect soulmate or at least someone you can have great sex with. (Usually, these are the knee-jerk reactions for dating after divorce).The issue isn’t that having sex or finding a soulmate is wrong – I am not saying, don’t have sex.

It’s thinking that dating or sleeping with someone means you’re fine, healthy, ready to dance the jig.

Don’t imagine you can handle moving out or living alone without any emotional repercussions. Or that the negotiations are going perfectly, and you have plenty of intellectual bandwidth to entertain a new lover. When people are cut off from their emotions or self-awareness, they go down the “I’m great” road. They forget going through a divorce is hard.

Let’s assume you care about others and this period of time is a little tough for you. (News flash: I like these ground rules best.) It also sets you up to be coachable and available for new love when the timing is right.

When you first leave a marriage, you’re used to the kind of person you just left.

This is no fault of yours consciously, it’s simply the way you’ve been wired and the effect of the amount of time you’ve spent with this partner.

So naturally, when you meet new people, those most like your ex are going to be the most comfortable. You’ll also not see this in any obvious fashion – it usually doesn’t show up until that new relationship ends. But eventually, you’ll notice it which is why dating after divorce, those first few hook-ups Scared of Dating After Divorce? You Should Be usually add more fuel to the fire of a broken heart.

I remember my first forays dating after divorce. I knew that those I usually gravitated to were the worst for me. And even though there was an attraction, the flirting and sex would eventually get me into hot water. Time after time, I noticed that even though they looked different, had different levels of education, different body types or hair color ultimately, unconsciously, they were just the same: controlling, needy, wanting me to be a certain way. And inevitably, the relationship would end. Thank goodness I understood the growth trajectory of dating after divorce.

There’s this period when you have to learn who you are in the present, away from the courtship, the marriage, the fight.

You have to get to know who you are again on your own. What makes you happy? Turns you on? What kind of food do you prefer to eat? TV shows do you really want to watch? How do you like to spend your weekends?

As you become reacquainted with yourself after divorce, you have to become willing to date a lot of different people. It’s part of the new experiment. Which can also lead to more broken hearts.

If you’re committed to finding a soulmate, you’re going to hurt a little longer if you rush into dating after divorce quickly.

Most people are not ready for a speedy commitment right away. There are those leaving marriages who want to ignore commitment. They’re tired of all the negotiations. They want a break from compromising.

Falling in love is not without the stages of negotiation that are inherent in every relationship. If you’re just looking to make love, tell someone. But if you’re pretending to want a relationship and unwilling to go through the stages of negotiating the terms of your commitment, really just wanting sex, you’ll break a lot of hearts.

I suggest you use the entire sentence: “I really like you, want to spend time with you, have sex with you… etc. but I’m not emotionally ready for a committed relationship.”

These days, we have sex out of marriage – shocker! Obviously not, but the shock comes when men and women misread the opposite sex. There are plenty of men and women willing to engage in having sex without needing a relationship. What they want is communication. What your potential lover wants, is to have a fair chance to make the decision for themselves, not be promised one thing and then ghosted after a few months. (Doing so just adds to their past betrayals and re-injures their broken hearts.)

I am constantly amazed at the fortitude people have after divorce – especially dating after divorce!

Their desire to get it right, their need for companionship, their misguided sense of being able to live on their own, and their willingness to persevere – to find what they’re looking for and to go on date after date in order to do so.

In order to handle dating after divorce, you’ll want to remember that everyone you meet has a past. That they’re doing the best they can and that most likely, you can’t help them heal on your own. You get to add delight to their lives: you get to be charming, kind, and romantic. You get to show up speaking in full sentences and communicating where you are in the process.

Scared of Dating After Divorce? You Should Be You don’t get to pretend romance, sex, and the oxytocin hormone (that love/bonding hormone) means you’ve found your soulmate (that would be super naive). Equally, you don’t get to pretend you can manage being single the rest of your life… ah, you might want to check out being stuck and Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™.

In order to handle dating after divorce, you have to know that you, yourself need time to heal.

There will be a time, once you do your work, when you’ll be ready for all that relationships have to offer. Including, the negotiating stages, the commitment, and possibly even marriage again. But without being informed and on the right track, you will find the experience hard, even scary.

Develop an awareness of who you are today and what you want.
Learn what dating means in this online dating world. Grasp the number of dates you’ll most likely go on (often between 100-300!)
Learn what uncommitted sex looks like when you are the one falling in love!
Trust you’re on the right path when you’re able to manage the loneliness and loss of your marriage. This occurs when you stop using others to make the pain go away.
Believe that love is possible. It’s what we do when we’re at our best, so try not to pretend you don’t need it.

If these suggestions seem difficult on your own, consider my daily emails to help you understand what you’re up against and doingDivorce™ School (Enrollment starts April 23rd!). I believe you do not need to be afraid of dating after divorce. You do, however, need to take some time to heal. You’ll want to understand the love you have to offer yourself and others.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

Still Dreaming About Your Ex? Here Are 3 Ways To Purge Them Out Of Your Life

February 8, 2018

Humans do their best when they’re in a relationship. Unfortunately, the only way to be in a relationship, whether with your lover, your children, your employee, a friend means you’re going to have to show up as you really are way more often than you’d like. You’re going to have to be messy, imperfect, moody even, and vulnerable. Still dreaming about your ex? Do you desperately want your divorce to be done with or are you ready to move on to peace and acceptance? Are you still thinking about them, dreaming about them or wanting sex with them? Here are 3 ways to help you purge them out of your life. It’s time to get grounded in some things about being human.

Acceptance of who you are and how you’re made.

Too often we think we can be Superman and override our innate wiring! No, you can’t fly and no, you can’t remove your past. I like to say, “welcome to the human race!”

You’ve got a mind that remembers the good times and a memory that remembers the bad times. Which includes, the good sex, the not so good sex, the fighting, the romantic evenings; the time they gave you that amazing smile, the time they hurt you. You and your mind, minus a serious brain injury or a lobotomy, are going to remember who you loved and what you did long after the union has ended. It just works that way.

If you’re still dreaming about your ex, remember, you are way stronger than you give yourself credit!

What makes you think you can’t override your thoughts? Oh, and while we’re on it, why do you believe all of them anyway? In other words, are those thoughts and fantasies even true?

I have clients who tell me they dream of having sex with their exes all the time and swear if, given the chance, they would! It takes a moment or two of me reminding them that they’re in fantasy mode. They’re simply caught up in lying to themselves because in truth, usually, most of the time, given the chance to jump their ex’s bones, they don’t. And they haven’t.

It’s all tricks their minds are playing on them. Which is fun and exciting – I mean, there are a few celebrities I’d like to curl up with in my mind, in my fantasies. But for some reason, we don’t think we’re supposed to be imagine sleeping with the person who hurt us. It’s simply not true. It’s also way too much pressure.

Of course, you’re going to remember having sex with them. Of course, you’re going to use them going forward to feed your fantasies and your sex life. Especially if you’re not with another person.

When it comes to dreaming at night, do you think you can control dreams too?

Slow down, my friend… seriously, when was the last time you were able to control your hair on your own without product, a few tools, and a great hairdresser? Now, back to dreaming… do you really think you have the power and ability to control your sub-conscious dream state? Didn’t think so.

What are dreams? I did some research before writing this article and found that dreams are as confusing to those who study them as for those having them. Apparently, dreams do everything from helping us manage stress to remembering stuff dealt with during the day. Dreams are dreams and for those who are really into them, only the dreamer can define what they mean to them.

You’re going to dream about your exes until you don’t.

Which means. Stop fretting! You’re going to think you want to have sex with them but you won’t (or you will and then you’ll deal with that in reality) and you’re going to miss them.

Missing them is the worst part of dreaming and thinking about our exes. It’s the thing that hurts our insides.

Congratulations, you are not a worm or a bird or even a dog. No offense to dogs! You are a human being and you experience being vulnerable, imperfect, and at times, even broken hearted. 💔

It hurts when we remember our exes especially if we only recall the fond, fun or sexy moments. It will hurt until you’re able to focus on yourself and your future. Until you’re ready to love someone else or you can remember the entire story – the good parts and the bad parts.

We remember reality in strange ways too.

We dismiss details, minimize information, delete the stuff we’d rather forget. Which I suppose is why the dream state is so important, it helps keep us on track.

After breaking up with one of my lovers, I was told he was a user of certain drugs I wouldn’t want around me and my children. I couldn’t recall a single time I had seen him using and was stunned by the revelation. Then slowly, over the course of the next 3-months (maybe longer… I can’t remember 😉 ) I recalled how other people had tried to tip me off. Certain scenes started coming back to me.

We traveled a lot and I remembered how there were these moments when I felt as if I had witnessed something being packed in a bag I shouldn’t have seen. And then I recalled the day I was in a pool looking up at the balcony forty stories up and seeing a man – my friend – on his balcony smoking.

I was told it was a cigar.

When we broke up months and months later, it took a long time for me to work through all the good memories. I had to deal with my sadness, my missing him until I finally stumbled upon the reality that I had been living. I had been lied to over and over and over again. He was a user and I knew it once I put the pieces together. It all came back to me as if I was going through the file cabinet of my mind. Image after image, memory after memory. I had loved a person I could never have had in my life. It was all a lie.

The revelation came to me in my dream state and it began the healing portion of my breakup.

I share this with you, not as a condemnation of users but because I had completely blocked out the memories. It took my dreams to help me come back to reality.

Still dreaming about your ex? Here are 3 ways to help you purge them out of your life:

1) Be sure you’re ready to let go. There may be something inside that’s not quite ready to let go. A lesson, a thought, a feeling you need to become grounded again in your intuition and higher power. You’re not a fool for ending or letting go of someone who doesn’t love you. You need to know what the lessons were.

2) Ask for help. Before going to bed, say a prayer or have the thought that for tonight, you’re asking your higher power to release them from your dreams. Ask your higher power to watch over your ex and to take care of them. Then ask to be watched and guided as well.

There were many times during my breakups that I asked for an ex to be granted some dignity that I couldn’t give, while bargaining for a little help myself!

3) Keep looking forward. Too often we stay fixated on our past lovers out of fear of being hurt again. We shield our hearts from being vulnerable. We imagine going on a date as being given kryptonite. None of that is true. If you don’t wish to be in a relationship, you don’t have to be. But one of the best ways not to dream about your ex is to be in a new relationship with someone who adores you.

People pretend they can handle being alone with their cats and our dogs. We worry about caring for our children and not letting them get abandoned. Too often, we imagine that we’re better off alone than with someone who could potentially hurt us. Only you get to make that decision for your life. But you are human and as humans, we do best in a relationship.