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Laura Bonarrigo

Life Coach

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Dating As A Single Dad? Here’s 3 Things To Know Before Introducing Your New Love To Your Kids

March 7, 2018

Dating As A Single Dad? Here's 3 Things To Know Before Introducing Your New Love To Your KidsSingle dads, single men, often want to rush into relationships during their separations and after their divorce with such frequency that it becomes a sort of cliche. As a woman, I don’t always get it dating as a single dad. What is the rush? Why rush into a commitment when everything else in their lives is upside down? Children, typically, don’t get it either. Children have the hardest time dealing with their father’s new relationships especially if those relationships are being forced upon them. If you’re a single dad and you’re dating, here are 3 things to know before introducing your new love to your kids.

 

Here are 3 things to know before introducing your new love to your kids.

Dating as a single dad, please have as much fun and all the sex you want while your kids are with their other parent, but when the children are with you, remember this: they need to be your #1 priority. You need time to re-build or re-create your relationships with them away from their mother before they’re capable of welcoming someone new into your life.

Your children need to trust you again; to know that no matter what happens, you’ll be there for them unconditionally whether they push it or not. (I never said this was going to be easy!)

1) Single dad, those kids of yours want and need your attention.

Your kids know that trust is earned, it’s not rewarded. They’ll dole out trust carefully. You can’t expect them to trust someone they don’t know (especially if you’ve raised them well!) and this is where your feelings could get hurt.

I realize that children are all different, but they’re still coping with your family’s divorce. Bringing someone new into their lives and expecting them to immediately trust this new adult because you’re having sex or are seriously considering marrying them, doesn’t mean your child is on the same page. I recently heard a teen say this about her father’s latest girlfriend: “I’ve met her about 6 times… she’s nice but I’ve spent more time with my bus driver than I have with her.”

2) Your role, single dad, is to parent and to love them.

When children live with different parents, essentially having two homes, there’ll be twice as much stuff they’ll have to deal with. I’m often asked what to do with the child who sides with the other parent? My answer is usually, always, the same: love them where they’re at.

As kids, they’re testing, trying to win your attention, your approval. They manipulate and use adults the same way you did! They know what buttons to push and how much trouble you can handle them getting into.

Why rush into a commitment when everything else in your life is upside down?

We’ve all seen enough after-school movies to know what a child will do to get their parents to see them. Your role, as a parent, is to also raise them to be competent, productive members of society. (Ideally, we need children to be competent adults for the good of all). Often your child is simply testing just how far they can push. They want to know how long you’ll back them up. But just as often, kids will sense during the pushing and the manipulating, the needing of attention, whether you still love them. Or not. You know this too. You know that unconditional love is something we’ve all craved; to know that no matter what’s really going on – the amount of trouble or punishment – you still believe in them.

I have spent time in the police department with my son. As a parent, I may not have liked what was going on, but no matter what, I love the man I know my son is capable of being. I let him know that I wasn’t happy about the circumstances but that I had his back and we’d figure it out. Now, I’m not an expert with the police as some parents are, but I do get that my anger only goes so far. Loving my children during the difficult times is way more important than loving them during the easy ones. And any parent who forgets that love is equally if not more important, will lose out in all their relationships.

3) Single dads, your new love will need to be patient.

There’s a lot of truth to having patience. As a child with step-parents, it wasn’t easy to fall in love with my step-dad or step-mom. After all, they weren’t my biological parents. Even though eventually I did fall in love with both of them, at first and for many years, it wasn’t easy.

Dating As A Single Dad? Here's 3 Things To Know Before Introducing Your New Love To Your Kids

Despite the fighting at home, having a new adult in the family was an adjustment. And visiting my dad and his new family was awkward and unfamiliar more often than not. There’s still a formality in my relationship with my step-mom even though I’ve confided in her, sought her advice, and leaned on her for years. She and my step-dad did everything they could for me and my brothers and sisters. We were the lucky ones!

Saying all that, however, I’m still not sure how much love they felt from us. I’m not sure they always enjoyed having my brothers and sisters underfoot, and I’m not positive they always felt wanted and adored. In truth, these things take time to build.

Children have the hardest time dealing with their father’s new relationships

When you bring a new adult into your children’s lives, they have to be the kind of adult that can put kids’ needs first without expecting much in return. Coping with divorce, kids don’t form the same kind of relationships as adults do with their new lovers. It’s an impossible task to Dating As A Single Dad? Here's 3 Things To Know Before Introducing Your New Love To Your Kidsexpect kids to be able to bond as quickly as you do.

So this new adult in their lives, this new lover of yours, has to be willing to put up with a lot before expecting much respect, love, admiration or even manners in return. We don’t live in a culture where those rules really apply anymore and even if you want your kids to be polite or your family home is strict, be careful of setting yourself up for failure.

 

If you’re dating as a single dad, don’t rush things.

I watch my children closely. It’s easy for me to remember how it felt when my mom and then my dad brought home my step-parents. To recall how the new rules in each home took some time to learn. Some of us really balked at them which of course just set everyone up for more arguments. It wasn’t smooth sailing for a very long time.

When my kids talk to me about their fathers’ relationship I have to keep a really open mind. I’m not in his home anymore and I don’t know his lover. So I listen from the perspective of an adult who was once in their shoes. They are viewing things from their perspective, not their dad’s. I know it’s tough on them, there are new expectations and new rules. This woman hasn’t earned their trust and they haven’t bonded with her the way he has. Her presence is uncomfortable and confusing.

Trust is earned.

But I also know that over time, if she’s patient and kind they will learn to like her. If she continually shows up for my kids, and their dad is able to put our children first, they will learn to even love her. She will become a part of their lives and share memories with them. Separate from me. I not only know that, I welcome that for my kids.

I always felt that step-parents and new relationships were about having more love in one’s life. (It’s the only way I let my children have a nanny, go to sleep away camp and to go away to college!) It’s the same with new lovers and if you remember while dating as a single dad that your kids are working through their first divorce and new relationships, over time, everyone will experience more love in their lives.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

Filed Under: Dating, Single Dads Tagged With: dads, Dating, parenting

5 Tips For Being A Single Dad To A Daughter After A Divorce

November 16, 2017

Being a single dad, a man and his daughter look at a cell phone.

Sugar and spice and everything nice you’ve spent months or years imagining the perfect father-daughter moments once you’ve got her alone. Being a single dad, you want calm, respect, and appreciation. You want to be able to tuck her into bed when she’s younger and make sure she remains safe the rest of her life. You want her to be your little girl even when she heads to college, and you want her to have fun and enjoy being with you.

The truth is it’s not always easy being a single dad.

Your daughter is a real person filled with anger over your divorce (even when she advocates the split). She’s a human being governed by hormones as much as she’s ruled by her mind. She’s not always going to revere what you have to say or believe you, and she’ll resist and resent your advice over and over again. After all, you’re the guy who left the image of her perfect family whether or not you wanted the separation.

As your buddies join you on their single dad parenting weekends, you’ll share roller coaster rides and rock concerts. Your daughter becomes the perfect playmate you’ve always wanted up until the moment she can’t deal with another go-cart ride with dad.

The single dad disappointment and rejection.

As much as you want to play with your daughter, keep her safe, and have some fun around school obligations, your daughter has a full life. With everything your kids have going on these days, she, that little girl of yours is your daughter, not your therapist, girlfriend or best friend. She needs herself, a dad!

In today’s world, girls and young women need good men.

The opportunity is ripe for the picking. You are your daughter’s most important male role model and she will seek to marry a man just like you. I think you know that. Most dads want to do their very best. I trust you’ve got your daughter’s best interest in mind. And I know you’re a bit confused at times, overwhelmed, and sometimes lost. So let’s get a few things out in the open and ground those concerns.A man hugs his two daughters while being a single dad.

When you pause and take a good look at your daughter, you’ll remember what she truly needs from you.

She needs to feel safe. Safety – the #1 concern for girls and women – taps into your DNA. Her need allows you to step into your protective role and gives you another chance to get it right. Above and beyond the playdates, meals out, and shopping with your credit card (some examples of a dad who’s cool to a kid) she needs your protection. She needs to know she can count on you to step in and be there for her when things are tough.

You’ve got to take some time to develop patience and learn to listen rather than simply advise.

Being a single dad with a daughter means you’ve got to listen and give her the space to express herself. That means she needs you to marvel at her emotions and her mind. To watch her display all she has to offer the world without shutting her down or discounting what she has to offer. She’ll be your greatest teacher if you let her. Especially as you let her struggle to find her way and generate her own life on her own without stepping in and trying to help her fix it.

When dads let their daughters figure things out, they teach girls to trust themselves and to trust men.

Girls need to learn to trust themselves and to trust men more these days. Girls who know men who will let them tell their truth and work things out are very, very fortunate. We need dads to do that heavy lifting. It is their job to teach their daughters it’s safe to express their truth, to reach for that goal, to fail and recover. It’s dads who watch just how much to push, how much to guide, how much to listen. After all, you’re raising a future wife and mother; a future employee or CEO. We need women who appreciate men and want to lead, not women stuck and uninterested in growth.

The superficial duties of parenting often get in the way of these deeper lessons.

Being a single dad to a daughter, you’ve got to manage the day’s schedule, fit in the obligations – practicing instruments, going to sports practice, rehearsals, and tutoring while fitting in homework, meal times, and a bedtime routine. Those duties (which if you mess up, will be criticized by your daughter’s mother) usually overrule the deeper moments. After a day of running around, it’s way easier to numb out in front of a TV or to fill an hour with another playdate. I advise you to slow your lives down. Nothing is more important than simply listening and being there for your girl. (News Flash: this goes for those adult women you’re interested in too.)

Being a single dad, a man in a plaid shirt plays with his daughter.

A frazzled man doesn’t feel safe.

As sweet as she is, your daughter can’t right your world. She needs you steady and calm. You’re the one who’ll have to find some outside support – a men’s group, a coach, a therapist who gets it.

In order to get the respect and calm you desire, you have to be that calm, centered, respectful single dad.

Do yourself a favor and grieve your separation so you can let up any of the guilt about the choices you’ve made. The stronger and more independent you become in your role of being divorced, the easier it’ll be for your relationship with your daughter (and her other parent). You’ll become more comfortable with your choices, more confident with your decisions.

It won’t always be perfect, and anyway, you know there isn’t perfection. You’ve got to step away from the drama of your divorce fight; step out of the old dynamic with your daughter’s other parent. Remove the story of self-righteousness and fear. It starts with trusting yourself and relaxing into the truth. Become the kind of man you’ll want your daughter to marry.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of The Better Divorce and doingDivorce™ School – online coaching programs for those ready to shed the pain of breakups. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com 

Filed Under: Parenting, Single Dads Tagged With: children of divorce, dads, parenting

3 Reasons Why Being A Single Mom Is Awesome After A Breakup

November 9, 2017

In the beginning, after a breakup, being a single mom can suck. I apologize for the curse, but there’s no other way to begin – chances are, you didn’t sign up for being a single mom. I know you probably didn’t want to raise your kids by yourself. You may even be having a tough time adjusting to being a single mom. With everything to do,  you may not understand being a single mom because you were raised by two parents. Or you had no idea how lonely it would be to be a single mom and you wonder when does being a single mom get any easier. (If you stopped reading right now, I wouldn’t blame you but please don’t… I’m just getting started… 3 Reasons Why Being A Single Mom Is Awesome!)

3 Reasons Why Being A Single Mom Is Awesome

Because at first, we all go through these various emotions and have these thoughts. It’s normal and natural. In fact, you have to have the negative fears and worries before stepping into the awesomeness of being a single mom! So bemoan, worry, carry on about costs, budgets, balancing work and parenting, babysitting and dating woes. Go ahead… so you can catch up with why being a single mom is so AWESOME!

At first, you’re juggling A LOT: home, work, the fight, the co-parenting, the anger, the worry, the righteousness, the fear. It’s a ton of stress. You never sleep. No one gets you. Too often, you wonder if you’re crazy. You snap at your kids. Then you bad-mouth your ex. Maybe you worry about money, earning money, and fear you’ll be single for the rest of your life. Girlfriend… here are my arms to give you a hug!

If you remember anything from this article, remember this: it gets better. It gets easier. You can figure it out. You can do it and eventually, being a single mom is AWESOME!

Let me tell you what AWESOME looks like and why there’s so much to look forward to:

You get to make popcorn and ice cream milkshakes for breakfast.

Meaning, no one else tells you what to do in your home anymore. You’re in charge… you may be a little afraid of that but it starts to become fun when you realize you get to change traditions and make your own party. The best part is that you no longer have to defer to your kids’ other parent. And you step away from proving your worth to those who don’t or can’t approve. It’s time to eat what you want, get up when you want, stop making the bed in the morning if you want.

It’s all up to you and that’s worth celebrating awesomeness!

I remember changing some traditions… ice cream milkshakes in the morning being one of them. If my kids wanted sweets… I agreed, selecting wisely, but no longer beholden to outside opinions. Then I switched up holiday practices… initiating a chocolate event that friends still ask for these many years later. I got rid of the clean plate club and the “make your bed in the morning” rule. I left dirty clothes on the floor and started wearing my scrubs to bed at night.

In other words, without the stress of a bad marriage, I loosened up and we began laughing more.

That’s pretty awesome!

Money, money, money…

Let’s say it together gals… money and income and budgets and finances are the NUMBER 1 worry of single moms period!  We are the front page story on newspapers everywhere. Yep, that’s us. Pretty awesome.

And scary.

Worrying about how you’ll raise your kids and take care of yourself pulls at men and women alike.

But for moms, it’s particularly tough. I was an out-of-work actress living in NYC in my late 40’s when I got divorced. I had no idea how I’d manage my own needs, never mind thrive and the attorneys kept arguing I’d just get married again… you can imagine the rage. I also had a lot of debt to pay my attorney. There were the credit cards to deal with that I wrongly used to play the “keep up with my lifestyle” game some professionals encourage. Even today, I have mortgage debt to manage and pay off.

But the good thing, no the GREAT thing about anger (or righteousness) mixed with obligation and drive is that it gets you going. Anger moves mountains. “Do not get in the way of a woman’s anger properly channeled to the greatest good!”

It takes feeling the fear, the sting, the injustice, the righteousness before you’re able to channel that power toward figuring it out, but figure it out you will if you let yourself.

In order to earn money, I’ve edited a Ph.D. dissertation, rented rooms; I’ve babysat, I’ve continued with my modeling and acting work; I learned how to coach, I had a stint in an office, I have a social marketing company. I said yes to possibility and created a belief that I could and would figure it out. Borrow my belief if you must… but have that belief in yourself because when you do, it’s really AWESOME – fear goes away. You face your bills. Then you pay off your debts. And you even manage that impulsive shopping at Zara… just sayin’.

You have no idea what the future holds for you.

None. Based on your past, you don’t have any idea of who you’re going to become. You have no idea what luck will come your way. Start taking it day by day, moment by moment if you have to. Don’t sell yourself short. And begin to imagine a great future – doing so will help you find your way toward it!

In the meantime, understand what you’ve got to live on and become creative… I’ve had over 10 ways that I’ve made money the past few single mom years and am still always saying yes to the opportunity to do things within my value system.

Being in control of those money fears is really AWESOME and so are you!

As a single mom, you decide who enters the castle gates:

Usually, at first, you go between trusting no one and trusting everyone. Your filter is broken and you think everyone is there for you. You indulge the fears and the story. You over-share to anyone and everyone who will listen to you for five minutes (or five hours)

One particular Thanksgiving after my divorce, I cornered my friend’s brother as he was trying to leave the dining room to play football with the family after dinner. I chewed his ear off! I was still in the spinning phase and could not shut up about the pain and frustration of my divorce. The poor guy…. cute, single, he never said hi to me again after that. And I learned a valuable lesson…

You get to decide who’s safe to invite in. It’s empowering to select your community or your tribe. It’s best to surround yourself with people who will lift you up instead of those who will commiserate with you about how bad all men are. How bad your ex-husband is. How bad your kids’ father is. Or not. (I recommend not doing that.)

I recommend you find a tribe of women (and men) who will lift you up and teach you how to trust yourself and others.

A community of people who will help you rise above your fears and imagine the kind of life you wish to create. And a community of people who, like you, are driven to create financial stability. I know that it’s possible to have what you want, I also know it’s important to be with others who are doing the same thing! Go here to learn more about the resources and groups I have for you.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of The Better Divorce and doingDivorce™ School – online coaching programs for those ready to shed the pain of breakups. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com.

Filed Under: Parenting, Post-Divorce, Single Moms Tagged With: Life Post-Divorce, New Beginning, parenting, Single Moms, Single Parenting, Women

The Best Parenting Advice I Ever Received (You’ll Love It Too!)

July 4, 2017

The best parenting advice I got was let them ride on their dad's shoulders like the boy in this picture.The best parenting advice I receive comes from other parents. I may not always want their advice but it just usually happens none the less. It’s funny where wisdom comes from – the guy down the hall may have nothing in common with you except for the fact you’re both fathers and then wham💥 he comes up with the best parenting advice you’ve ever heard! It’s been the same for me.

As an adult and then a mom, I figured I knew everything there was to know about raising kids.  And clearly, I knew nothing! How often do you feel the same way? The difference between parents going through a divorce feeling prepared and those who don’t is simply experience. Divorce is a rite of passage much like parenting is. It forces us to understand and expect change. As well, I’ve learned that parenting skills can be acquired and the advice we’re given is a lesson in itself on showing up.

Now let’s chunk this down for easy handling:

  • Imagine being calm and centered? Playing with your kid, making dinners together, watching movies, having an evening prayer or chat together before bed each night? Imagine the great bonding during the car ride home after the game able to discuss the umpire’s call and how the team played? Imagine feeling up to parenting day-in-and-day-out?

Hysterical right, that’s a tall order for any human being never mind a parent! I have never been the best at keeping calm. I’m usually in a hurry to get a meal on the table, and car rides home dissolve into traffic jams way too often where I live. Life is never centered.

Best parenting advice: the days are long but the years are short.

When I first heard that, I was eight years away from even becoming a mom. The woman I was speaking with was a parent on set at One Life To Live. Her son was an actor and we spent lots of time between shooting scenes discussing parenting. I peppered her with questions. And then I became a mom and the days were super long, exhausting really. You know what I’m talking about, right?

Then the years began adding up and now my parenting on a daily basis is nearly over. As my kids got older and older, the years have had them leaving me regularly. I’ve written about that in my article: The Most Important Parenting Advice For Divorced Parents With Teens It’s strange to think that what was once so daunting and exhausting is nearly over!

  • One February, I was visiting friends in Maine who adopted three siblings through the state foster care system. (Lucky children!) I was probably arguing with mine about wearing mittens or snow pants or something and when they were finally sent out the door I turned to her in exasperation. She said this:

Best parenting advice: let your kids decide what clothing to wear outside.

Stick with me here because I feel your pain! I couldn’t wrap my head around her advice either what with the conflicting thoughts… What if they didn’t remember to put on their gloves? Then they got sick or got frostbite? What if I’m accused of not being a good mother? Or worse, what would happen if they’re homesick for days on end and I have to stay home from work?

Then I remembered: it only takes making one freezing cold snowball or one soaking wet shirt to teach someone to wear more clothing to play in the snow or to walk in the rain! I simply made sure they had a hat and mittens or gloves in their backpacks (ahem, to this day!). Usually, I have extra foldup umbrellas so they can carry one. And I throw in old sunglasses and hand warmers when they’re not looking. Super Mom! I’m prepared and so are they.

  • For awhile I was coaching moms on how to feed their kids well. I had a company I called Feed Your Mouths and worked with a few families nearby. I was pretty obsessed with giving my kids the best nutrition possible – there was no sugar or refined flours allowed (my poor kids!) and I kept getting referrals to help other families serve up tasty and nutritious meals. What I remember learning from one MD I followed, was this choice piece of advice when I asked about coaching families whose kids wouldn’t eat healthfully:

Best parenting advice: parents are the ones who do the grocery shopping, not children.

Eureka! That put the responsibility 100% on the ones carrying the credit card and driving the car. Which also meant, that they (the parents) had to have the confidence and the resilience to deal with a few days of temper tantrums. Because part two of this advice goes like this:

Best parenting advice: kids will eat when they’re hungry and they’ll usually eat whatever you put in front of them.

You know this is true! You also know that if you leave cut vegetables with some yummy dip on the counter when a child is hungry, they will eat them without an argument. They’ll even like them. Especially when they’re younger! Now, I admit, as they age and get to shop around by themselves, choices get a bit dicey but here again, I lean into the wisdom of the 80%-20% rule reminding myself that kids need nutritious, good meals 80% of the time (they really need it 100% of the time, but I’m leaving a little wiggle room for Grace here.)

  • And the reason I’m leaving some wiggle room for Grace here is because of The Very Best Parenting Advice I Ever Received that I got when I separated. Like most newly separated parents, those first few months (years) are really tough. What kids wear and what they eat becomes fuel for many, many emails and phone calls between client and attorney or texting feuds between divorcing parents trying to find their way toward respectful co-parenting. Every opportunity to fight becomes fuel to feed the negativity and vitriol.

I don’t advise succumbing to this type of arguing: using what a child eats or wears as a reason to fight. The days are long enough, your children are growing up in front of your eyes and they’re watching you, modeling exactly what you do – good or bad! Your attorney may win, but in truth, they don’t. They may earn more money listening to your temper tantrum (sorry, but true) however, you lose respect and they worry you’re not a credible, believable client as well.

Best parenting advice: your children will be fed and watered. They’ll be safe and taken care of.

They may eat pizza and stay up until midnight but they will be watched by the #1 babysitter you could ever ask for. Try to remember that. No one else loves your children as much as their other parent! 

Every fiber of your being is going to rail against them eating pizza and fries every weekend they’re with their other parent. You will scream when they come to you tired and cranky. Then you will want to scold and teach, and argue, and belittle or compete against everything the other parent is doing. Too often, you’ll worry that your little ones have to become more responsible than their other parent.

Think about what you might be doing. Are you trying to measure up, fight with and bully your way via food and mittens? Don’t. Stop yourself. It’s simply not worth it.

Eventually, your children will learn and know what’s best for them.

Soon enough, they’ll know to put on their mittens and hats, to pack their own things and to feed themselves. Eventually, they’re going to grow up. All children must learn these lessons. You’re not a bad parent for letting them figure it out on their own.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of The Better Divorce and doingDivorce™ School – online coaching programs for those ready to shed the pain of breakups. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com.

Filed Under: Single Dads, Single Moms Tagged With: Life Post-Divorce, parenting

The Best Parenting Advice For Single Dads Is Avoid The Negative-You’ve Got This

May 2, 2017

The best parenting advice for single dads is enjoy your kids like this dad carrying his child on a backpack hiking in a canyon.

Single dads are so impressive! Things are not easy and there’s a lot thrown on their shoulders. Seriously, the best parenting advice for single dads is to ignore the naysayers. Avoid the negative and stay away from any buzz kill. You balance way more than dads dealt with even a couple of decades ago. And you’re expected to do it all. (I’m even guilty of insisting you handle it all!) And you’re stepping up. You roll with things more easily than most single moms. The kids know you’re there for them cooking and managing the home. You’ve got this!

The best parenting advice for single dads-understand it’s really different for kids to live with dad on his own in a new home.

Your kids are looking for your leadership and your ability to care for them. Not the other way around on the days you want to be a teenager. Meaning, you are the adult. And you treat children (even your children) with love and respect. Like dads who get the best parenting advice are supposed to do. You are their parent.

The biggest fear your kids have is that you’re going to leave them too.

Your ex will act like the mama bear she is when reports come back that you’ve not been following her parenting advice for single dads. If reports get back (and believe me they do) then you’re in for a dressing down! So don’t show up unkind or focused more on your girlfriend. If you’re the kind of dad who would never leave his children, be sure to let them know that. Often. It’s really that simple and the best parenting advice to follow.

Be rational and clear with your own negative vibes and worries.

When you’re a single dad, you get to manage your time with your kids. Sometimes, no matter what the parenting plan says, you’re just going to have to ignore the voices in your head. Especially when your kids may not want to be with you. Even when they love you. It may or may not mean that their mom is bad-mouthing you or that they don’t have fun with you. It just might mean they need to stay in their other room for the weekend. My advice: roll with it.

As a single dad, you do the work to help your kids get comfortable with you.

It’s super scary for a little kid! Especially at first. They’re so confused by all the family changes. It’s your job to talk about what’s going on. The best parenting advice for single dads is to tell them you’re all figuring this out. Let them know that it’s different for you too but that you’ll keep them safe. Reassure them that you guys will work out the details. Answer their questions and don’t indulge their own nastiness. (There are boundaries after all!)

Kids might say things that make you question your own judgment. 

Expect children to become angry at some point.  If you’ve moved out and are setting up a new home, I sure hope you’ve answered any second thoughts about what’s going on between you and their mom. If you’re clear, then be unshakeable. It’s time for you to show up capable of handling your children. In time, they will come around.

They love you. They love their mom. They didn’t ask for any of this. And for them, divorce sucks.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t handle them, their emotions, their fears or their worries. (And they’ve got way more to worry about than you do!) The best parenting advice for single dads is to be your child’s rock. Let them be your everything when you see them. Give them the chance to show up and make you proud. And when they do so, let them know it. They want you to be proud of them – they’re terribly afraid you’re going to leave them too.

 

The Better Divorce 25-page ebook link.

Filed Under: Divorce Process, Single Dads Tagged With: children of divorce, parenting

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