New Beginning

Sick Of Being Unhappy? How To Be Happy With Happiness

October 10, 2019

We strive to be happy. It’s an infinite goal for most human beings… be happy! “You’ve got your health; your family is good, be happy!” Yet most adults are not happy. In fact, most adults are angry, depressed, and disappointed. The exact opposite of how we’re told to be in the world and how we want to feel. No matter the narrative you’ve tried to create for yourself, being happy isn’t easy. And for far too many, not being happy drives us crazy.

The standards we use to assess our happiness levels are faulty.

It’s difficult to take an objective assessment of happiness when we use Instagram as a marker. Equally, our obsession with celebrities affects how we value our own lives. In an effort to “keep up with the Jones’s” we often measure ourselves against our neighbors who’s lot in life may be very different than our own. When we compare ourselves to others, there’s little room for acceptance or gratitude. Buzz words we use to decide whether we’re sufficiently happy. And often are not.

Being happy is not easy.

Given this backdrop of our lives, it’s a wonder anyone is ever happy. In fact, fleeting moments can’t be taken for granted. Falling in love feels good as does post-coital cuddling, and a child’s smile. Celebrating a milestone becomes paramount just as succeeding with any task no matter how big. These benchmarks however are too few and far between actual day to day living. When did happiness become so elusive?

We are rivalrous critters and strive in competitive environments. Most of us rise to challenges, seek out chances to improve ourselves, our financial picture, and our positions in the community. We want more. However, this effort brings us back to comparing ourselves to our neighbors, colleagues, and those we admire. A never-ending vicious circle of comparisons. Without an alternative, we become stuck in being unhappy.

Your standard for inspiration and happiness is not the same as mine.

I struggled in my acting career, knowing there was always someone younger, thinner, and more talented than me. I auditioned for roles against movie and TV stars and more often than not, I was the one who didn’t get the job. My career choice set me up for many unhappy days. Moments when I compared my body, face, hair, and voice with those who beat me out for a role. It was a no-win situation. And a recipe for unhappiness.

I’ve had to move the goal posts and reassess my markers for success and happiness many times.

It had to happen. I could no longer walk around being as unhappy as I was. When I did take stock of my situation (single mom, older actress, living in an expensive city) I had more compassion for the choices I had made. These were my decisions. My choices. I could accept where I was and what I had chosen to do with my life. Or not.

At a certain point, we have to know when we’ve done our best. (An excellent marker that comes from our hearts and minds as opposed to the environment.) Once I could admit that I had given it my all, no matter the results, I became happier. I stopped competing with the voices in my head and the people all around me. I stopped competing period. Happiness stopped being dependent upon the status I thought I wanted.

Choose to be happy unrelated to the circumstances of your life.

We cannot keep comparing ourselves to others even if we’re wired to be competitive. We have to decide to choose to be happy no matter what. When we choose to be happy, we’re less apt to do things we don’t want to do. We structure our days to include things we like to do. We start to hang out with people who are fun to be around. Even if that means, making big decisions.

I’ve often written that “you matter.” Because, you do. Your happiness is yours to grab hold of and to choose to feel. We’re not victims of our circumstances or relegated to the lives we’re currently living. There’s also too much help available to us to continue feeling down, angry or depressed. (That’s a good use of Instagram.) If you find yourself unhappy and discontent, set up a quick call with me. Together, let’s move you from where you are today to where you’d like to be tomorrow.

Powerful Love Life Advice When You’ve Lost Your Soulmate

October 3, 2019

Losing a soulmate sucks. It hurst like nobody’s business. For many of us, our love life consumes our lives. When you’ve lost your soulmate, you’re looking for serious, powerful advice. The number of places I’ve turned to is long: friends, coaches, therapists, books; my own inner spirit. On and on. Where you turn to for powerful love life advice is important. When you’ve lost your soulmate, you look everywhere!

Losing a soulmate sucks.

Love is sublime, powerful, kind; in essence, great! We love being in love. But when a love ends, when you’re in the position that you’re the one who’s lost your soulmate, it can be crippling. I’ve been in bed, on the couch, unable to function more times than I wish to count. Each time, it became worse than before. That is, until I figured out what was up.

Turn to a trusted source for powerful love life advice.

Trusted sources for love life advice are few and far between. I personally don’t read magazine articles anymore. They put me in my head and make me feel bad about myself, the choices I’ve made, and the men I slept with. Designed to make me judge myself, I do not read general advice.

I also don’t turn to religion or religious texts or therapists. I appreciate and respect religious wisdom and adore my therapist friends. But I don’t find solace in the past. The past is over and done with and understanding what I’ve done doesn’t always help me moving forward.

Instead I look towards patterns: my patterns of behavior, the way I usually do things. Then I seek out alternative ways of being so I can have a successful love life. I find this information in the cutting edge of behavioral science.

It doesn’t take hours or years to see your love-life patterns.

We do things over and over again until we’re either sick of ourselves or we’re sick of the results. (Usually, those two things go hand in hand.) I find that it doesn’t take hours or years to see patterns. They are the things that feel most comfortable. Or the way we behave in each relationship giving us the same results. They are the things we identify with and when we go to change them, it feels strange.

But just because things feel strange or awkward or self-conscious, doesn’t make them wrong or bad. To change means to be bold. To admit that what we’ve been doing hasn’t give us the results we want. When you’ve lost your soulmate, how you do your love-life needs to be shaken up! The energy it takes to re-rack and move forward comes from the very pain you’re experiencing when you lose your soulmate.

It’s that sucky feeling that drives the next decisions. Decisions create the actions and whatever consequences that come about. If you want a soulmate to stick around, you’re going to have to take those awful feelings and channel them into making decisions that create new actions and results. It seems scientific and clinical. It is. It’s how we’re wired.

Being in love is a fantastic feeling.

Most of us love being in love. But without understanding how we do our love-lives, it’s tough to grasp our part in the loss. If you’re having a tough time understanding why, let’s examine your patterns together. I promise it won’t be too long before you have a healthy, happy soulmate in your life again!

How To Persevere In The Face Of Massive Disappointment

September 4, 2019

It happened again. He left without explanation. She fired a colleague. The weekend with your kids was a bust. How often do we have to face massive disappointments? I wager, all the time! So often in fact, it’s astounding anyone has the energy to keep going. How do you persevere in the face of massive disappointments? Below, I’ll share mine.

My wedding day bliss turned to massive disappointments more than once!

I learned to persevere, to allow love back in not by heading to shore and dry-docking my boat but by allowing myself to get back out there! To love, to enter into marriage is a public declaration that you’re willing to risk being hurt. It’s a creative, bold move. No one casually enters into wedlock. You see, I’m definitely not one to shrink in the face of being bold.

But I dislike disappointments as much as the next person so I’ve had to figure out ways to keep going.

As an actress, I’ve faced thousands more rejections than most. Judged on the color of my hair or my height or the number of wrinkles on my face, those disappointments can add up. They are personal. There’s not much I could do about my height but I also didn’t get to work opposite Tom Cruise because of it.

I’ve learned that to persevere in the face of massive disappointments, you have to be bold.

Pick up the pieces, wipe your tears, pull up your big girl (or guy) pants and get going again. It’s not easy nor is it fair but no matter what you want, you’re responsible for doing your best to get it.

If you’ve fallen in and out of love, having had your heart broken a few times, you may know what I’m talking about. It takes courage to keep going. To go online and start dating again. We hope those risks will pay off.

But what if they don’t? What if you do your best, persevere and decide it’s not worth it. That’s fine! You’ve made your decision for now and I’d tell you to try to accept it.

Unfortunately, disappointments come more often than any of us would like. Because change is omnipresent. Things change all around us all the time. And we don’t like it. I don’t like change anymore than anyone else. It can be tough to keep going. I’m in the midst of a massive change right now with my kids off to college and it is not comfortable.

Disappointments are not wrong. Change is uncomfortable.

So I get up each day and decide to feel good. (It’s not always easy.) And when I decide, I also hope – that it will feel okay to be among new people, doing new things. Sometimes it’s easier than others. Sometimes it stinks but like with falling in love, I don’t stay on shore. I get up and head out, being bold and courageous once again. Because, for me there is no other choice.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker, and advisor to those ready to move their lives forward. For empowering and practical ways to begin anew whether personally or professionally, set up a call here.

This Is The Best Way To Quit And Break Important Agreements

August 20, 2019

Another employee up and quit without warning. That’s leaving important agreements with me with no warning and no discussion. I get it, work is hard and showing up someplace you don’t want to be feels demeaning. But there is a good way to quit your job or to leave your family without losing face. In fact, the best way to break important agreements is easier than you think. And you get to go with your head held high and some grace and gratitude in your wake

When you’re done you’re done but those important agreements you made, they still carry on.

You want out. The marriage is stale, your job sucks, the neighborhood is boring, and your routine’s dull. Life can appear dreary for many. But that doesn’t mean by leaving, you’ve solved anything other than changing where you are. The expression, ‘you bring yourself wherever you go’ is so applicable in this moment.

When you quit, your important agreements are still hanging.

When you leave your family or you leave your home, the things you’re leaving still carry on. Kids need parenting, love still needs to be made, and the things that keep a family together have to continue. You may be leaving, but your family stays intact.

When you quit your job, there’s no real consequence except for the people you’re leaving. They’re the ones who have to pick up the slack. Your employee may or may not be able to quickly hire someone in your place. You may quit and leave but the work carries on.

Leave with some dignity rather than with all your emotional stuff.

When you make a career move, we’re told to be quiet about it. To interview during lunch, and not let others know before the big announcement. It’s exhausting. And it shows just how important it is to quit and leave gracefully.

When you leave with your head held high, you reap the reward.

Leaving with your dignity intact means a great deal. Your employer has invested in you. You invested in learning new skills and participated in relationships. Leaving abruptly is like betrayal. It hurts others.

If you have a conversation, offer to help find your replacement, and even train someone, you win. (Okay, perhaps not a new spouse.) But you get what I’m saying… help out your employer so that you can leave with some dignity and self-respect.

Set a good impression.

The more I work with others, the more I’m amazed at how people short change themselves the little wins in life. The chance to set a good impression. To leave with one’s head held high. An opportunity to find and train your own replacement gives you a chance to feel needed and wanted. These are important aspects of life.

When you leave a marriage after participating in therapy or telling your kids together, you know you did your best. There is nothing more important than that self-awareness, your head held high, your self-respect intact.

Work-Life Balance? How To Create A Better Day

August 16, 2019

Work-life balance is difficult for everyone these days.

It may be easier to discover the holy grail than to get that work-life balance we all seek. Especially if you’ve recently ended a marriage and returned to work. You’re not alone. It seems as if everyone talks about schedules, demands, and too much responsibility.

Which is why the elusive work-life balance discussion continues. I for one am immersed in it. The relationships I build with clients are 24/7, not 9-5. These days I’m helping out a sister and her small business. I’m a project manager for another small business, I am working on my own business, and trying to have a life! I stay immersed in these questions all day long.

Create a better day by adjusting your expectations not the balance in your life.

Work-life has become non-stop these days. Everyone is plugged in expected to jump as the first ping sounds. But when work feels more like the thing we love to do, it stops feeling like a burden. You see, there’s no stopping the flow. If you want success, you must step into the pace at which work occurs these days.

If you’ve been out of the workforce raising a family, you’ll definitely feel the effects of the change. It’ll take time to build your stamina and handle the responsibility. No one enjoys being told what to do or when to show up.

I see this over and over again with my coaching clients. It’s tough to overcome the innate resistance we have to authority of any sort. One of the things I suggest is giving yourself time to adjust. Life in the fast lane, when you have to earn an income or grow a business, is intense. You’re not alone in thinking ‘what’s this all about?’

Work-life balance is fast, furious, competitive, and demanding.

But what’s the alternative? You can’t return to a broken marriage or bring your kids back to the crib. If you’ve got bills to pay and debts to clear up, you have to commit to a focused effort for a period of time.

Part of creating a better day is adjusting your expectations.

No one likes to feel they’re swimming upstream. So when we complain or vent to others, we continue to create more stress. We’re told the secret is finding work you love (easy to say), finding a place you love to live in (again, easy to say). Or finding people you want to be with day in and day out. (Tough to do if you’re healing from any sort of trauma.)

Which is why I look for moments to breathe, enjoy my surroundings or witness nature. I stop and admire the trees nearby, listen for birds, watch children play. I no longer expect to have weekends off or even be able to take a long vacation. Not now. Instead, I seek to create a better day moment by moment. That work-life balance has to be enough at the moment and it is.