Laura Bonarrigo

Divorce Coach

New Beginning

Get Excited About Your Life Again – 3 Quick Decisions

Get excited about your life again as this woman jumping wearing a bunny costume.Your life. Is it enjoyable and fun or exhausting and nerve-wracking? A little too heavy to think about even? Unfortunately, if we depend upon life to make us happy, we are SOOL. You take back your power when, independent of circumstances, you get excited about your life again. And when you focus on what experience you want at that moment, life gets easier. We all know that in theory. But no matter the chaos, when you face your day with energy, it helps make life a little bit easier. Even during the worst of times.

Excitement makes your life easier again.

Now, you may be thinking I’ve no idea what you’re up against. That some of your days are just too difficult, and you’re right about that. I’m not in your shoes on any particular day. We have very different lives and you’re up against your own stuff. But, I do have some sense of what it takes to shift from dread and fear each day toward one filled with excitement. Because I’m up against my own stuff every single day.

In truth, I want to feel delighted. Turned on. Excited.

I’d like to be the kind of person who wakes up grateful and eager all the time. And many days, I do. I have this quote I wrote about how I wanted to experience being a single mom. In it, I declared I’d be happy, courageous, with no-blinders on, wearing high heels, and makeup. There are days I laugh about this somewhat unrealistic goal. On other days – I rock it!
 
When you suit up for work, tend to your family’s needs, get to the gym or head out to do your run 6-mile every day, you are impressive. For me, daily makeup wearing can be a big enough challenge amidst my single parenting. So it feels awesome to nail it. But what happens when you’ve no idea how to move from feeling overwhelmed by what’s going on to waking up eager to tackle your stuff? Likewise, what about those big things we all face every single day?

How do you tackle all the things we’re supposed to do to feel good?

Gazillions of articles are written about this on a daily basis. Open up any magazine, and you are advised to take up yoga, meditation, and exercise. Also, there are amazing supplements to help you be an excited Superman. Or, you can fast, eat no sugar, and cook from scratch to nourish, energize or heal your body. I’ve tried many of these daily practices and many do what they promise. But, you can also drive yourself a little bat-shit crazy trying to make it all work. I know I have. Because doing more stuff isn’t the answer.
 
Woman standing with pocketbook getting excited about her life.None of us are capable of living the elusive ideal dream life we crave. We are all running around to do what needs to be done. As a parent, an employee, a lover, a friend, and a citizen, we are doing the best we can. Even those we admire. There just isn’t enough Bulletproof coffee to make anyone’s day that glorious.

3-quick decisions to get excited about your life again.

It’s time to slow down for a moment and reconsider what’s up. To make 3 quick decisions to counteract the non-stop noise all around us. When I take on this simple exercise, it works to make my day easier. And more fun rather than stressful and one more thing to add to my To-Do list.
  • Choose excitement. Choose to call it grit. Happiness. Joy. Whatever you want to feel and is appropriate for you. It’s your day – make it something you’re excited about.
  • Now, go feel it.
  • No matter what.
It’s really that simple. Simple, not easy. I didn’t say easy! Sure, you’re up against circumstances, responsibilities, your job. Your kid. You’ve got bills and a bum knee. The car needs to go to the mechanic and your wife is pissed with you.
 
But what we forget on a daily basis, is that none of those things can take your power away unless you let them. And unfortunately, no matter what, your feelings aren’t dependent upon the outcomes. Which sucks by the way. Feelings are fickle and changeable. They move like the wind. An energy inflow. Feelings have little to do with your attitude. Feelings are fleeting.

Your attitude is up to you.

Finally, your attitude and how you approach your day is up to you. That desire to feel good is 100% within your control. Luckily, that self-control is ours as opposed to the stuff of magazines and merchants. Not because all your stuff is going well. But because you and I decide how we want to feel. Today. Then we can work on our health, our goals, how we parent our kids. Those are the kind of days I nail my mascara.

I’m tired of waiting for my circumstances to make me happy.

Aren’t you? It doesn’t work. I’m also over waiting for the alarm to seduce me into feeling excited about all the stuff on my plate. But I am willing and eager to join the ranks of those who create their own joy. Who own what’s up and roll with the punches. They inspire me.
 
Woman walking through a field of sunflowers holding her hat.I’m not suggesting you ignore your kids or play hooky from work (unless you want to.) But I am suggesting you join those who have the stamina and grit to face their stuff with a smile. Because they declare how they’re going to do so. They’re not blind to circumstances. They just don’t wait for the stuff to be perfect to feel good.

I love that. It inspires me. I get intrigued. Honored to know there are days I too can do this. Rockstar.

Besides it only starts with a very simple (not easy) question, what do you want to feel or experience? Today. Or for this next minute. The next hour. What do you dare to feel? Happiness. Excitement. Joy. No matter what? How about even honoring the pain? Instead of waiting for the stuff to make you happy to be alive, are you ready to get excited about your life again?
 
Pain gets tricky because we’re not wired to enjoy it. I love myself a good cry. It’s fun to revel in anger and to get jacked up on self-righteousness. Wars are won and heroes are made out of the power and fuel anger gives us. While self-righteousness fuels compassion and forces social change. Who doesn’t like that?
 
But when self-pity, tears, and fear take over, and you know they do, what’s really going on? Even though it may feel good (or bad) how long are you going to stay there and let yourself fall victim to what’s up? Or conversely, how long are you going to run away from feeling the dark feelings. How long. Seriously.

You can choose to feel excited about your day again.

I ask because it took me a long time to learn how to overcome my last divorce and breakup. About 7 years. Could you start to limit the amount of time you let yourself be upset? Could it be during your shower? Or while you’re journaling first thing in the morning or while you’re praying. Then, can you decide to let it go for the day?
 
In other words, we’re talking about a conscious, deliberate shift to feeling good. To get excited about your life again or whatever ‘feeling good’ you want to feel. Instead of being stuck in the pain. Upset. Frustration. Boredom, even inertia.

The 6-second shift.

Cool. Now go do it. It only takes 6 seconds.
 
Experiment and let me know what happened. Go be the scientist and the experiment. Start super small. See what might have to give to succeed at this. You’ve got it? Good! I’ll be writing more about this soon.
 
6-second shift information

Be A Good Dad To Your Wounded Kids (Learn How To Help Your Kids Heal)

A dad tickles a boy on the beach knows how to help a kid to heal.As a child, I went through my parent’s divorce. I can speak from experience about how difficult it was to watch my home break apart. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t fun. And my brothers and sisters and I definitely did not want it. Saying all that, however, doesn’t mean that going forward, my life was terrible or that my parent’s divorce wasn’t a good thing for me and my brothers and sisters. It means, as a single dad, you can learn how to be a good parent to your wounded kids by helping their hearts to heal. You learn how to help your kids heal by making sure you lead the way by healing your own heart first. You help your kids heal from divorce by doing your healing process on your own. 

A single dad has plenty he can do to help his kids heal and deal with the changes the family unit is going through during a divorce.

There are a pacing and a processing that has to happen as everyone catches up with the facts. Emotional resilience and stamina have to be built as a way to teach your kids not to shrink in the face of struggle. Even though they don’t want it, there are the discipline and daily rhythm needed by every teen and child. And there’s the hope and optimism that will allow your kids to believe in the institution should they want to invest their time and energy into marrying one day.

A good dad is a perfect person to help wounded kids learn these skills.

Who else is going to prove to a teenager or a child that they can learn to cope well too? However, as the single parent, you first have to figure out how to cope well yourself before you can expect your kids to believe they can as well. Which requires owning up to your own wounds.

Now, as a man, I get it… you’re asking me what wounds? What broken heart, misplaced loyalties or lack of self-respect? I understand none of those things happened to you during your marriage or divorce. I know. But your kids see all of these insults even when or if you don’t. They’re the boys modeling after you how to be men (to women like their moms) and the girls who will marry a man just like you. Since chances are very good that they’re going to repeat the same patterns that got you and their mother into trouble, perhaps, you’d like to help your kids heal by taking a look at what happened first? And change the course of the future?

By learning how to help your kids heal, you’re actually releasing your wounded kids from having to help you.

It’s not your kids’ job to figure out how to navigate your emotional wounds. When you set aside time and energy each week to process the experience, you can then return home and parent with greater clarity. You learn what patterns and behaviors didn’t serve the marriage. You let the emotions go while at home with the kids being a single dad because you’ve got a time and place to delve into them. When you hire a mentor, you become confident you’ll get through the process faster and easier than being left on your own to figure out. No one wants to deal with this stuff for the rest of their lives!

Your children’s wounds are hidden behind their teenage hormones, childish tantrums, and lack of discipline or drive.

A boy and a man make large arm gestures pointing in opposite directions on a dock.As their world has fallen apart – something they never asked for – their safety and security also disappeared. They’re re-learning whom to trust. As their father, your role is to provide safety and security first and foremost. Not be their best friend, indulgent shopper or frightened adult unsure of where to go next. It’s best that as children, they don’t spend a lot of time with that part of you. Even when they know intuitively it’s there. That healing work is yours to do on your own with a mentor, a therapist, a coach. Not with your kids. Your kids need you to be their rock. To maintain discipline, safe boundaries, some structure to their day and of course, to love and nurture them.

A single dad who’s doing his healing models emotional resilience.

As you trust that you can handle the swirl of emotions – mostly anger or guilt – and deal with the things you can control moving forward, you build greater emotional resilience. Your children need someone in their lives to model this and it might as well be you. Your kids need to understand that life isn’t fair. That shit happens. And that we all need to pick ourselves up again over and over again. More often than any of us wish.

As you put your breakup into perspective willing and able to gain some wisdom in the process, you’ll be better able to share with your child how to grow stronger in the face of adversity and loss. What an incredible gift to give to a young person!

A good dad holds himself accountable for being the single parent who helps his children heal.

The more you hold yourself accountable and manage your feelings, the better you’ll be able to maintain discipline and schedules when you’re the single parent. You’ll help your child accept safe boundaries, keep time for homework or attend sports practices. And participate in the inevitable chores most kids of divorced parents have to take on.

No one likes to participate in new rules or chores especially when they didn’t want to go to a second home in the first place. A single dad, willing and able to maintain discipline earns greater respect from his kids. It’s tough to do so when overcome with guilt or shame for the changes the breakup brought upon the family.

A dad, able to process and heal, on his own without leaning on his children, gives his kids the time and space to do their own healing as well.

A happy dad carries his daughter on his shoulders. This can get confusing for adults going through a divorce. They don’t understand how hard it is for their kids. Most single parents are so caught up with their own pain, they forget their children come from two of you – the two of you who are fighting. So single dads bad-mouth the mothers or the kids are told way too much about the divorce case. Each parent tries to play the kids off one another and the kids, your kids, won’t and don’t want anything to do with you.

WhenI talk about this to parents, they naturally become defensive. But listen, we all make mistakes, especially when a separation first occurs. Emotions run high and a lot of stuff is said and done. Without the kind of help to put your own feelings in order, you can’t expect to be able to single parent your kids well. It’ll take way too long and you’ll do too much damage to your kids without professional help. This is how single parenting went for divorced parents way back when I was a kid. None of us got the kind of help we all needed.

Don’t make your kids do the healing that’s yours to do.

Then your kids will end up doing lots of work on themselves as they grow older and start to think about getting married themselves. Without doing your process, you set your kids up to do the healing for the entire family. That includes your work and their other parent’s as well as healing their own pain. That’s neither fair or appropriate. It calls into question who the adult is…

Since your kids are wounded… even when they hide it… helping their hearts heal is part of your role as a good dad. Or a good single mom. How to help your kids heal? Your children will need time and space to process what’s happened away from you. They will need a mentor, a coach, a teacher, a social worker, someone they can speak with each week for a period of time so they too can make sense of what happened.

You can change the way your children view love and marriage.

Kids who are given a chance to process are better able to get on with their own lives. Their schoolwork stays stable or perhaps even improves. They’re not so prone to risky behavior. Instead of confusing the role of relationships, they don’t try to use sex to get the kind of attention they actually need from their parents. The negative statistics for kids whose parents divorce are not good. (And I don’t recommend you go seek them out.) Instead, I suggest you shore up your homefront by controlling the things you can control: your healing and time and space for your kids’ healing. And you get to work learning how to be a good single dad.

What wounded kids want from their dads:

All I ever wanted from my dad (whom I rarely saw per the way things went back then) was a warm connection, support, and to know he loved me. Not seeing him meant he wasn’t my disciplinarian. But because I heard so many bad things about him, it was really tough to connect. Today, things are very different. We look down upon parental alienation. We encourage co-parenting and equal parenting time. Kids are more comfortable going back and forth between homes and many more families are separated.

But what hasn’t changed over the course of modern-day breakups is the wounding kids have because of the loss of their primary family structure. They are afraid of the institution of marriage. Young adults are cynical about the romance of true love. They mature with the idea that sex is the be-all and end-all of intimacy. And all too often, they re-create the very patterns and behaviors of their parents’ marriages that ended in divorce. Those negative statistics are there as well – I call divorce a generational disease. And as such, we, as those going through the experience, need to do our healing process first so as to help our children. That’s what I call being a good dad to your wounded kids and helping their hearts to heal.

Link for The Better Divorce ebook.

It Won’t Suck Forever. 6 Signs You’re Actually Moving On From Your Divorce

A woman in a yellow dress exemplifies life after divorce by walking through a field of lavender. Getting over a breakup is never easy. But I promise it won’t suck forever. It does suck for quite some time, however. That pain is usually covered up by this acute anger or fear or depression. It often feels as if you’ll never make it through this stage, doomed to deal with your breakup for the rest of your life. But despite the worry or tears, there are several signs that show up when you’re actually moving on from your divorce. These are the signals you want to know about. They’re proof your getting over your breakup and that a good life after divorce will happen.

How to get over a breakup when you still love each other.

This is that suck forever feeling. The obsession over whether or not you’ll ever move on. But in reality, you may always love each other. Even just a little bit. After all, there was something in them that made you want them in your life, to begin with. When they get into your heart, they often own a piece of it going forward.

So when you still love each other, it’s hard to know what to do after the breakup. You’ll search around for meaning and experiment with dating. You’ll do your best to forget about them and wrestle with tons of sadness and guilt. You’ve lost someone you’ve grown accustomed to even when or if the relationship wasn’t healthy or easy.

Life after divorce is filled with growth.

Growth isn’t always fun. It’ll often feel as if you’re never going to move on from your divorce in the midst of the emotional hit. Eventually, however, you’ll begin to calm down and embrace the changes going on.

Signs you’re actually moving on from your divorce:

Slow down and breathe. Way too often in the midst of the anxiety, we literally forget to breathe. Now, I’m not the best silent meditator in the world but I can walk. And, I do a lot of walking! Simply moving my body, lifting weights, walking, getting on a bicycle helps me move that anxious energy. Slow down and walk to calm your body and relax your thoughts.

Manage your thoughts. When you’re able to shift that anxious energy toward a calmer feeling, you may or may not actually like it despite what you’re declaring to anyone who’ll listen. Some people keep the anxiety going not because they like the anger or worry but because they don’t realize they can control their thoughts and feelings. You can and you must!

You will know that you’ve turned the corner of your breakup when you can slow down and breathe, and manage your thoughts. These are welcomed signs!

How to deal with a breakup.

A man smiling, wearing aviator sun glasses exemplifies life after divorce. Start with a good attitude. I often use the term perspective when discussing the experience of divorce. The stages you go through are rather universal. Sure, you have your own personality and story. But, for the most part, the perspective you need is not personal at all. Your attitude and how you handle what you know and what you’re doing is.

When you’re able to get some perspective on this modern-day rite of passage, you’ll be better able to stop the stress you’re experiencing. When you can hold the experience with optimism and courage, you’re on your way toward healing your life after divorce!

Perspective includes objectively recognizing the situation you’re in. Owning your part in the breakup. Doing your healing work not just saying you are as if intellectually understanding it means you’re body, heart and mind are healed from the trauma. You want to feel at peace with where you are in the process.

Perspective helps you avoid Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™… the sticky, horrible sense that your life will always be about your divorce. It’s important to grasp this not because I want to make your day worse but because without the awareness that divorce is something we do and therefore something we can do well, the longer you will remain stuck.

It won’t suck forever.

Most of the time, the tension of the negotiation or litigation is so difficult that people are willing to throw in the towel and stop the fight. It takes real time to wrap up a life that wasn’t working. Way too often people in negotiation feel as if they can’t handle the tension and fighting when they’ve no idea how much they’re capable of tolerating and getting through. They underestimate their own emotional resilience.

You see, very few people truly want to fight with a former lover. I notice that the negotiation and fight often come up when people aren’t emotionally ready to move on. No matter what they’re saying. Unaware of the hidden patterns, they’re afraid of who they’ll be after the marriage. They’re unsure about their future security, financial well-being or the relationship with their children. So they hang on using the other parent or the ex as a familiar connection.

No one can tell you how long to fight or what you should fight for. That includes your attorney, dad, children or your ex. This is a deeply personal decision. However, you also need to know when enough is enough. When the fight and the attorney fees have become a distraction from the very life you claim you want to create. Often times the fight is simply fear of letting go.

You will know that you’ve turned the corner of your breakup when you can trust that your life will become better and accept that you have to do it without the person you’ve been accustomed to. These are welcomed signs!

Life experience is not all about making mistakes.

A person jumping through the waves exemplifies moving on from your divorce.It takes a while to create a better life after divorce. The gestation period to create the very life you claim you want takes longer than falling in love. It’s harder than giving birth. It costs more than starting your own company. Okay, I’ve taken a little creative liberty here but you get my point. It doesn’t happen all at once or right away. Nor will it show up the way you imagine.

The emotional growth you have to go through doesn’t look like the fantasies you held onto to get out of your marriage. The tricky thing is that emotional growth gets disguised by falling in love or moving or getting a new job. In fact, all of those things are helpful but none of them are what makes a better life. Many complicate your life instead, ratcheting up stress levels. Usually, those first few romances fall apart making things more confusing or upsetting.

Compassion helps because you’re going to make a lot of mistakes. Do your best to accept that fact. Learn to watch yourself go through the things you go through so you don’t beat yourself up. You will know that you’ve turned the corner of your breakup when you allow yourself to make the mistakes you’re inevitably going to make and accept all of them. These are welcomed signs!

Getting over a breakup will not take forever. Nor does it have to suck! You do, however, have to give yourself the care and attention required to do your divorce better. And when you do, your life will get better. I am not a big fan of watching people mess things up over and over again. I created my online group programs precisely because too many people make the separation process harder than it has to be. You don’t have to! Learn more here.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com.

The 5 Things You Yearn For Most During Your Separation Or Divorce And Ways to Get Over Missing Them

Solitary dark skinned man looking sideways trying to navigate things you yearn for most after separation or divorce.It doesn’t really matter who wants to end a partnership. Endings are hard. We feel the effects of backing down, getting out, and leaving our commitments whether it be to an organization like a company or employer or a family unit. We do not like change. Change brings with it a lot of feelings – feelings that catch many of us off-guard. We miss our kids, our friends, our routines, the lifestyle. One of the hardest parts about separation and divorce is accepting all the changes and feeling the emptiness that separation brings with it. I know you’re yearning for the things you miss. Here are the 5 things you yearn for most during your separation or divorce and ways to get over missing them.

Things you yearn for most: missing your children

You may have been the most absent parent around but when it comes to being forcibly separated from your children, you’ll find the emptiness really difficult. Your children are a part of you and I’ve yet to meet a parent going through separation or divorce who has an easy time letting go. Our need here is primal, not personal!

Too often we beat ourselves up during divorce wondering why or how we could have let these important relationships wane over the years. I find these thoughts impossible questions to answer with comfort. Instead, I recommend feeling your feelings without the need to make them more than they are.

In other words, just miss your kids.

Feel the feelings that go along with the yearning for someone. Understand what it feels like to take the first step and rebuild your relationships with your children. On your own without their other parent in your lives. Do your best to show up for your kids when you’re with them without making things worse by asking them about their other parent. Stay on your side of the street without needing to compare lifestyles.

You will long for seeing them and then, over time, you’ll become as comfortable as they will with the new routine. Life will settle down. It’s up to you how long this process takes and what you’ll do with your children when you have them. It’s best to focus on those thoughts and find the answers you can live with.

Things you yearn for most: longing for your old lifestyle

The routines, friendships, status, and material items you once took for granted will loom large in your memory as you step out on your own. In fact, too many people remain married in unhappy relationships precisely because of material needs and benefits. I don’t blame them! It’s way easier to stick to your corner of a mansion or have an affair than willingly walk away from an easy life.

So when lifestyle changes happen whether you were the one who asked to leave or you were forced out, the struggle will have you pining for your old ways. It’s not easy. This is where comparing your new lifestyle with theirs seeps in all the time.

First-hand experience

My lifestyle dramatically changed once my children’s father and I divorced. I recreated my profession, moved uptown, and had to return to school. My kids and I felt the transition. The vacations and clothes shopping shifted from high-end stores and resorts to online sales and visits to family. These kinds of changes may or may not build character. Regardless, they’re felt physically and emotionally.

With lifestyle changes, the routines you once kept, the friends you once had typically go away. It’s not easy to show up at the same country club charitable dances with a new lover on your arm. You shouldn’t expect to be greeted kindly while your ex is there socializing with your old friends. Do that once and chances are, you won’t be eager to do so again.

Ways to get over missing them: new friendships

Woman in a field noticing the things you yearn for most after separation or divorceInstead, look for new friendships and events that will help you redefine who you are today. We cannot go back. My coach says, “yesterday is as over as WWII”. It’s much easier to strike out on your own and find new people to socialize with, new events to go to, and to create new holiday memories than it is to try to keep up the old ways. New people bring with them new conversations and experiences. It’s going to feel odd but by doing so, you create something wholly your own.

Today, my children and I share holiday and vacation memories that are uniquely ours. I have an entirely new group of colleagues and friends that I adore (and wouldn’t trade for the world). And my lifestyle is getting closer to where I like it to be. I may or may not have more character, but what I do have is the ability to walk through my home with my head held high. And that lifestyle choice is priceless.

Things you yearn for most: feeling safe and protected

On a primal level, we all need to feel wanted, safe and protected. It’s a feeling that comes with our DNA genetic coding. It’s the experience of nurturing our kin and keeping our families, communities, and countries (our tribe) together. All of us have this in us.

So when you’re family or your relationship ends, you most likely will have moments of intense sadness and feelings of being cast aside. You will probably ache for safety and protection, long for someone to hold you at night (and may start sleeping around just to get physical touch). You will think there’s something wrong with you when that’s the furthest thing from the truth.

Feeling safe and protected is also rational.

We create safety and protection by choosing a good place to live. We know how to select healthy people as friends, and to abide by community standards and state laws. Safety is something we create for ourselves moment by moment. The need to stay safe is also in our genetic makeup.

As you go about recreating your routines, stay tuned to the intuitive hits and gut feelings about where to live, the kind of furniture and even the bed you buy for your new home; pay attention to the things your new group of friends does to entertain themselves and don’t be afraid to move on if they’re doing things that threaten your sense of security. The failure to protect yourself and your kids as you recreate your life aren’t left to chance. You’re the one who has to put a sense of safety front and center. 

You know what you need. Trust your gut and make sure your new life has a foundation that you can build on.

Things you yearn for most: missing sex

Yep, you’re going to miss the ease with which your relationship afforded sex (when it did). You will have less sex with a committed partner at first unless you jump into another relationship right away. No one (except your ex and your kids) would blame you if you did!

I’m a big believer in having intimate relationships. For men, intimacy gives them a chance to feel loved and wanted. For women, it provides safety and security never mind a good time. So I’m not advising you to stay home and sulk. However, saying that, most of the time, during separation and divorce, those first relationships do not last and simply create more heartache. They’re usually filled with angst, guilt, frustration because they are not what you’re used to. And they usually cause a lot of drama with your family and friends as you’re all getting used to all the changes.

Ways to get over missing sleeping around

Some people wrongly think that sleeping around or experimenting with new ways of doing it are the answer to the loneliness and their primal needs. Life becomes quite titillating for awhile. There are secrecy and a big turn on factor. Again, perfectly fine as long as you realize the multiple partners and experimenting are a distraction from the pain you don’t want to feel.

When the novelty wears off, usually, you’ll settle into your new lifestyle omitting the group sex and multiple partners for something more familiar and long-lasting. It’s then that you’ve got a chance for your sex life to normalize and improve. You’ll know how to maintain romance because chances are it dwindled during your marriage, and you’ll be grateful for the person in your arms – all recipes for a satisfying and long love life.

Don’t worry about missing sex. You’ll find your way back to it if you want it!

Ways to get over missing feeling loved and wanted

Woman sitting on a beach after her divorce struggling to figure out ways of missing themUsually, women won’t have sex without feeling loved and wanted. Many women don’t sleep around. Many won’t, it’s completely off their radar in terms of healthy relationships. Feeling loved and wanted is underneath most men’s craving for sex as well. We are only human after all.

We yearn for feeling loved and wanted. It’s all over us. We all long to greet a new lover. (When we find one.) This is natural, normal and definitely missing when you first separate and divorce. Sometimes it may take years of healing to allow someone new into your heart.

I see this over and over again with my clients and students as they struggle to find ways to get over missing feeling loved and wanted. I myself had to take a long break from dating before I could trust myself to let someone safe in. Decide what works for you. But don’t think for one moment that you’ll get used to being single. You will but there’ll always be a tinge of wanting love in your being.

When you do decide to let someone in, you risk all the things you’re afraid of. Vulnerability will be present. You’ll worry that they may hurt you, especially if violence has been a part of your past. Be tuned to your intuition and wisdom. Pay attention to your kids’ safety, your own heart. And yet, know that the feelings of love, safety, and protection are primal. There’s no escaping these very basic human needs.

Sex and intimacy feel good. That doesn’t mean you won’t hold all your concerns as equally valid. Both are valid and true. It just means you’re wiser and more experienced, ready to trust yourself and move on after your separation or divorce to the things you yearn for and are allowed to have.

Things you yearn for most: a great life.

It’s your responsibility to decide what you want and to go out and get it. So, I invite you to discover my divorce school. I teach a select group of people how to safely go through their separation and divorce so that they don’t repeat the patterns and mistakes of their past. This curriculum-based program is for those who want to understand this modern-day rite of passage.

How To Tell Your New Boyfriend About Your Recent Divorce — Without Scaring Him Off.

Walking, couple, smiling as she tells him about her divorce without scaring him off.When a divorce is done and over with, the next thing to do typically starts with meeting new people and dating. Not necessarily to find another marriage but to find intimacy, companionship, and friendship with the opposite sex. After all, everyone gets beat up in the face of the separation, negotiation, and fight. So knowing how to tell your new boyfriend about your recent divorce – without scaring him off is a big deal! Basically… if you mess it up, you’re in for more heartbreak.

When divorce is done and over with

Dating after divorce feels like a breath of fresh air to most people. (At least those still interested in intimacy, sex, friendship, and even children.) Most people want that soulmate even if they don’t want more. But we forget that going through a divorce is a real thing. It truly is life-changing. I call it a modern-day rite of passage. The memories and feelings don’t easily wash off with a hot shower. They linger like the smell of hot city streets when it hasn’t rained. You see the positive results of healing work when a divorcé has begun to put their life back together again.

Dating after divorce is risky.

You have to understand that without that personal growth, most dating just ends up in extended hook-ups, not lifetime soulmates. It doesn’t really matter what age you are. It’s just that sex feels a whole lot better than facing any sort of healing. Especially if you’re tired of therapy and trying to make your marriage work. (I’m talking about the self-assessment, the lifetime of relationship misunderstandings, the grief, the lifestyle changes few want to face or do.) But without doing the right kind of “work” as it’s usually called, another heartbreak or another divorce typically, inevitably, follow.

For the record can we all agree that breakups hurt? And that heartbreak is real? Can we agree on that? Because most people don’t want another heartbreak. Unfortunately, most people think they won’t be hurt by just dating. As opposed to marrying. Which is foolish and ignorant. You only ensure you won’t be heartbroken by not falling in love with someone else. Which means, no dating and ultimately, little to no sex.

Now that we understand that dating to find true love requires doing some healing (and focusing on the right kind of healing work for you) we can get on with the premise.

Know how to tell your new boyfriend about your recent divorce.

I was very young when I was first divorced. Most guys my age were just beginning to think seriously about finding a girl to commit to. So, I ended up dating all these divorced dads. (Which my mom hated!)

I had to own up to my behavior. My divorce story had to reflect on how I had made a big mistake. Those divorced dads loved my story because I told them I wasn’t interested in getting married again. But my mom was right… those relationships couldn’t go anywhere because I was too young to be a step-mom and forgo my own life goals. Never mind, there was more healing ahead of me.

As a divorced mom, years later, my story had to be told all over again. It was even harder this time! How to tell a guy that I had seen the signs but was too afraid to leave? That I had spent hours and hours in therapy trying to do the work of two people and fell short? Was he going to expect to have to take care of me financially? Was he wondering about the relationship between me and my children’s other parent?

No more could I hide behind a naive young girl’s mistake. It was time for me to own up to all of it. And to find out if this man, this new love, was going to stick around.

A white woman looking straight at camera thinking about how to tell her boyfriend about her recent divorce without scaring him.Everyone gets beat up in the face of the separation, negotiation, and fight.

Fortunately for me, I continued to date divorced dads. So inherently we both understood the process of separation: the lost love, the arguments or the lack of attention, the parting negotiation, the anger, the fighting, the costs. Fortunately, we could commiserate.

But commiserating wasn’t and has never been what I’ve wanted to do. (I’ve been doing my healing!) Commiserating only guarantees more heartbreak because both people stay stuck. I have always wanted the real deal.

Getting through the pain and healing of divorce takes a commitment and some tough work. You learn to own your part. The ugly, imperfect qualities you inhabited or expressed during the past relationship. You learn to face your preconceived misunderstandings about relationship and marriage, the opposite sex, and your role as spouse and parent.

How To Tell Your New Boyfriend About Your Recent Divorce — Without Scaring Him Off.

Through trial and error, I’ve learned, you start off on the right foot. You share your version of your truth. There’s no need (if you’ve done some healing) to share all the details. It’s much easier not to indulge the latest gossip or whining and complaining. When you show up with some graciousness and wisdom, it goes a long way to earning a guy’s trust.

I also refuse to trash talk my children’s father or a divorced dad’s ex-wife. Trash talking doesn’t get anyone anywhere close to a soulmate. You know this by now! If you’re trash-talking your ex, he’s thinking, he’ll be the next man being trashed by you. And if he’s bad-mouthing his ex and his kids, you know, it’s just a question of time before you’ll be the next woman he hates.

Creating intimacy, companionship, and friendship with the opposite sex.

Too many people leave a marriage filled with resentments and anger about their ex-spouse but transfer that anger and resentments onto other women or men.

If you’re still angry and processing the hurt, don’t expect to find the love of your life. Instead, socialize and then date to heal your experiences with the opposite sex. There are good people on this planet. Kind people. But until you’re feeling worthy of love and kindness, you won’t feel comfortable around good people.

You’ll be so caught up in not trusting anyone, that you won’t be able to be around people, men, who want to do good things for you. It’s an odd sensation. You want sex. Attention feels good but you don’t trust the guy next to you. And how could you? Afterall, going through a divorce is a real thing.

You can’t create a new love with resentments and anger.

So when you’re dating a new guy and you really, really like him, press pause for a minute. It’s time for some assessing. Can you talk about your ex without becoming hot and bothered? Have you made peace with your lifestyle adjustment? Are you standing on your own two feet again?

If you can’t answer these prompts with something positive, you’re not really ready to fall in love. Sure, you can use a man to heal. You can experience good sex, intimate conversations, learn to trust guys again, but you’ll scare him off if you share what’s really going on for you. He’ll think he can’t fill your bottomless pit.

All it means is that you’ve got more emotional healing work to do. (I’d be lying if I wrote anything else.)

Woman with cateye eyeliner and subtle makeup looking off into the distance thinking about how to tell her boyfriend about her recent divorce without scaring him off.It’s doable.

When a guy comes to me and talks about the woman he’s crazy about but goes on and on about her pain – the pain he can’t help her heal – I remind him it’s not his job to heal a woman’s pain. It’s her job.

And it’s doable. If you interested in finding a soulmate (or just a partner and a father for your kids) then you owe it to yourself and to him to do your own work. Stop yourself before even thinking of using other people for the emotional growth you’re capable of doing on your own. Bring him your best self.

Telling your boyfriend about your recent divorce without scaring him off is a big deal!

Basically… if you mess it up, you’re in for more heartbreak. No man can do your healing for you. (And you can’t do his!) Your process is your responsibility. Most people want true intimacy and love. Most divorced dads want a woman to fill the hole in the family structure. They want kindness. You have to be able to trust them.

So when you go to tell your boyfriend about your divorce, do so with the wisdom you’ve gained from this modern-day rite of passage. Know who you are now away from the courtship, the fighting, and the divorce. Learn to trust your intuition and believe you’re worthy of true love. Why else be out there dating and worrying about telling your boyfriend about your recent divorce?

I firmly believe in the power of love.

I truly believe those leaving a divorce are looking for a soulmate (not just someone to hang out with). But I’ve also had to learn the hard way that there’s a real process to overcome the effects of a divorce. It takes real time and a commitment to find the healing for you.

When you do, you’ll be ready to tell your new boyfriend about your recent divorce and he’ll admire all you’ve learned. He’ll be able to trust you with his heart. He’ll know you’re capable of handling pressure and stress. You’ll impress him with your strength and your ability to love again. You’ll inspire him to want to be with you. And you won’t scare him off!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.