Laura Bonarrigo

Life Coach

Marriage

3 Ways To Be Excited About Your Marriage (No Matter What)

Woman excited about her marriage.

Marriage statistics tell us that there are fewer divorces these days because there are fewer marriages. I think that’s a good thing – lots less heartache all around. But often those bored with the state of their relationship believe the problems lie with their spouses. Not them. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way just like not getting married, won’t save you from heartache when a relationship breaks apart. I’m convinced there are 3 ways to be excited about your marriage no matter what. 

To be excited about your marriage is rather simple actually…

Listen to her… she wants you to see her and to hear her. To be next to her when she’s upset and to be patient as she’s working things out. This is not merely a feminine need. We all need to be seen and heard. We crave a thinking partner when we’re stuck and we hate being taken for granted. Those values aren’t simply a male-female thing, they’re a human thing. 

Listening up gives us a chance to be there for someone else. To show up. It helps you feel like you have something to offer. I think it’s an example of loving another person. When you feel good about what you do for others, you stand a chance of feeling good about your marriage. 

Thank him… he needs you to remember he’s not simply a meal ticket. He wants you to appreciate what he brings to your life, how he provides for your children, and keeps a roof over your head by slugging it out everyday at work.

Showing affection and being grateful for what another gives will give you a chance to get more. Male or female, we will give more when we feel others are enthusiastic about what we bring to the table whether it’s money, gifts or simply the things we do for another. That includes staying home and raising the children. 

Have sex… I’m almost embarrassed to write this but you’d be surprised how often couples stop having sex and then they wonder why they’re not excited about their marriages! 

Having sex with your spouse or your partner is the #1 way to be excited about your marriage no matter what!

Now we know that having sex isn’t always easy – there are babies and late nights at the office. But if you’re not having sex with your spouse, then who is? You didn’t just pair up to make a baby or to get a roof, chances are you were attracted to this spouse enough to ask them to spend the rest of your life with you. 

So enjoy them. Keep yourself healthy so you can enjoy them and help them want to have sex with you too. 

If you’re unhappy with the state of your relationship, bored with the usual routine, and unsure of how to mix things up, consider these 3 ways to be excited about your marriage no matter what. You have a chance to recreate your relationship every day. Take advantage of the bond marriage gives you and step up. I suspect, you’ll thank me in the end.

6-second shift information

3 Tips For How To Survive Infidelity And Divorce (Of Your Friends)

Your friend calls deeply upset, shaken declaring, “they had an affair.” The air leaves the conversation as you try to reconcile how to survive infidelity and divorce around you. The stilted dialogue becomes upsetting and the questions swirl. How do you handle this kind of news? How do you hold your friend’s news amidst your own anxiety and fear? You know it could happen so easily to anyone who’s married. You mumble a few choice words, offer apologies and your condolences, ask what they’re going to do. And hang up as soon as possible.

So often, when news of a friend’s infidelity filters into our conversations, the reaction is personal fear. You end up concentrating on your own marriage, your relationship, and what’s happening in your marital bed. You try to recall the last time you made love to your spouse, your lover and you wonder, if you haven’t in a while, “will it happen to me too?” How you survive infidelity is a deeply personal decision. Its roots in religious beliefs, political views, and often the size of your bank account.

How to survive infidelity and divorce is a deeply personal decision.

There’s a common misperception that a set of rules that blanket religious dogma will keep you safe. Or you wrongly imagine that your community of friends would never have an affair. You consider how you grew up, your dad, uncles, and aunts – would they have had an affair? Did they step out of the marriage? Is that what that fight you overheard as a kid was all about?

The news of an affair brings up power imbalances in all relationships – including yours.

The story makes you look at how your default behavior has been playing out over the course of your marriage. The news will hopefully, make you consider what you need to do differently, better.

Have you ever noticed how each time you hear about an affair, you begin to focus almost entirely on your spouse? Perhaps, mentally chastising them for all the mistakes they’ve made? Are you aware of how you immediately begin the dance of “if I do this, they’ll love me…” forgetting that you too have a vested stake in keeping yourself whole, fulfilled, and respected in your marriage?

Below are 3 tips on how to survive infidelity and divorce whether you’re the one directly experiencing the news or not. These tips are about you – not your lover and this time around they’re also about your reactions to the news of others’ heartaches. One of the biggest mistakes in marriages is putting your partner first over and over again.

Take back the focus for a while and take care of you.

Wouldn’t it be nice to take back your power and focus on your own well-being and happiness? Selflessly giving, giving, giving =’s exhausting, resenting, and no sexing… (couldn’t resist). When you over give to the point you’ve nothing left to offer, it’s almost impossible to show up generous, desirous or even wanting to make love. No adult needs another child – they need a partner. They need reciprocity. Everyone needs mutual adoration, acceptance, conversation, fun, and intimacy.

The moment you find yourself over-sharing, over-giving, over-indulging and catering to the adult in your bed… you’ve become, essentially, their mother or father. And we don’t make love to our parents.

You’re allowed to take time for yourself – to do things that recharge your energy and drive.

Things that turn you on so that you have something to share and something new to talk about. You’re allowed to ask for your spouse to uphold his or her marital agreements to provide intimacy. You’re allowed to play as two consenting adults.

This is how you survive infidelity – you make sure your needs are met so there’s no need for an affair.

Put up those mental boundaries when you hear about others’ infidelity and divorce.

Your friend’s relationship truly has little to nothing to do with your lover, your relationship, and your marriage. It has to do with them and theirs. If you’re the kind of person who loves living their own personal reality TV show, you’re making a huge mistake. That story you’re watching has nothing to do with what’s really going on.

Like a reality TV show, there’s been an entire life happening behind the news you’re hearing about. When you indulge the story of others trying to survive infidelity and divorce, remember, you’re simply getting the highlight reel!

Don’t fall prey to the machinations of an angry and hurt partner. If you do, you’ll start making up dialogue and question your own partner’s behavior. You’ll follow along blindly and neglect your own self-care that includes enjoying and adoring your lover. It’s important to keep your thoughts clean and focused on what you want. Not on what your friend is dealing with. It’s actually not a healthy friendship when or if your marriage begins to fall apart because you’re not keeping a healthy boundary.

Equalize the power in all your relationships.

Just as important as it is to make sure you have boundaries with your friendships, it’s equally important to maintain the same footing with your lover. Whether you’re married or not. When power imbalances begin to occur – due to status, personality or health worries and fears begin to creep in. You wonder if your relationship is on an even keel asking: “Are they being faithful?” “What are they doing when they travel for work?” “Do they need me now that they’re earning more money than I am and I’m staying home raising the kids?”

When there’s a power imbalance between lovers, there are many parts of the relationship that are too easy to blame.

A spouse making more money or a lover able to travel are opportunities to break agreements at home. When status changes, it’s important to have a frank conversation. You may want to reevaluate the agreements and make sure the two of you are on the same page. Whether you’re comfortable renegotiating the terms and redefining the roles or not, doing so has to happen in partnerships. None of us have great relationships just because. Most of us have to spend time communicating not doing marriages by default. If you are just doing it by default, know you may be inviting trouble.

There’s no reason to invite in trouble! You can survive infidelity and divorce (of your friends!)

As those around you struggle with their relationships, reevaluating your own requires the willingness to own up to what’s not working. While also being able to keep others’ stories from affecting your commitments to one another. You can survive infidelity and divorce – especially when you don’t make others’ issues something for you to worry about.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of The Better Divorce and doingDivorce™ School – online coaching programs for those ready to shed the pain of breakups. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com.