Love

3 Ways To Be Excited About Your Marriage (No Matter What)

March 3, 2019

Marriage statistics tell us that there are fewer divorces these days because there are fewer marriages. I think that’s a good thing – lots less heartache all around. But often those bored with the state of their relationship believe the problems lie with their spouses. Not them. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way just like not getting married, won’t save you from heartache when a relationship breaks apart. I’m convinced there are 3 ways to be excited about your marriage no matter what.

To be excited about your marriage is rather simple actually…

Listen to her… she wants you to see her and to hear her. To be next to her when she’s upset and to be patient as she’s working things out. This is not merely a feminine need. We all need to be seen and heard. We crave a thinking partner when we’re stuck and we hate being taken for granted. Those values aren’t simply a male-female thing, they’re a human thing.

Listening up gives us a chance to be there for someone else. To show up. It helps you feel like you have something to offer. I think it’s an example of loving another person. When you feel good about what you do for others, you stand a chance of feeling good about your marriage.

Thank him… he needs you to remember he’s not simply a meal ticket. He wants you to appreciate what he brings to your life, how he provides for your children, and keeps a roof over your head by slugging it out everyday at work.

Showing affection and being grateful for what another gives will give you a chance to get more. Male or female, we will give more when we feel others are enthusiastic about what we bring to the table whether it’s money, gifts or simply the things we do for another. That includes staying home and raising the children.

Have sex… I’m almost embarrassed to write this but you’d be surprised how often couples stop having sex and then they wonder why they’re not excited about their marriages!

Having sex with your spouse or your partner is the #1 way to be excited about your marriage no matter what!

Now we know that having sex isn’t always easy – there are babies and late nights at the office. But if you’re not having sex with your spouse, then who is? You didn’t just pair up to make a baby or to get a roof, chances are you were attracted to this spouse enough to ask them to spend the rest of your life with you.

So enjoy them. Keep yourself healthy so you can enjoy them and help them want to have sex with you too.

If you’re unhappy with the state of your relationship, bored with the usual routine, and unsure of how to mix things up, consider these 3 ways to be excited about your marriage no matter what. You have a chance to recreate your relationship every day. Take advantage of the bond marriage gives you and step up. I suspect, you’ll thank me in the end.

If You’re Having A Hard Time With That Breakup-How to Get Over A Breakup When You’re the Dumper

May 10, 2017

Second guessing yourself stinks. Especially if you’re doing your best to get over a breakup that you initiated. When you’re the dumper, you expect that you’ll easily walk away from the heartache without too many repercussions. So it’s a bit of a shock to find yourself having a hard time with that breakup. It’s no fun agonizing over or missing someone you loved.

Love has a way of sneaking back into our thoughts when we’re doing our best to forget about someone.

Despite your best efforts, it’s nearly impossible to remove the parts of the brain that store memory. So how do you get over a break up you caused? You put it into a big, big perspective.

On some deep level, you probably realized that that person wasn’t right for you. So you ended the relationship. Hopefully gracefully (not by a text) and hopefully with some dignity so that if you run into them in the future, you don’t have to bury your head in your cell phone. But you ended it because you knew it wasn’t right. Whatever right means to you.

If you’re having a hard time with that breakup? Welcome to the human race.

It’s not actually possible to forget about someone who’s touched your heart. They get in there and take up space. Even if they hurt or betrayed you. Even though you knew they weren’t right for you, it’s the way we’re wired. So, expect to think about the good moments the two of you shared from time to time.

You’re capable of way more than you think in the midst of pain, triggered by memories.

You are not at the mercy of your feelings. Ever. Be selective, manage those thoughts that cause you pain. Growing older and wiser, there’s a part of us that must run the show. So enjoy the happy ones and then stop. Shift. Decide whether or not those particular feelings are productive or useful at the moment.

Opt for joy and decide to be happy in the here and now. Not your memories.

If you don’t take care of you, who will? It’s time to put that break up into a healthy perspective. You ended the relationship for a real reason! So wish them well and make a U-turn to you… how are you taking care of yourself these days? Are you doing the things you know you need to do, to get the kind of partner you really want to have? Make some courage and figure out how to do the work you need to do.

You’re the person you’re supposed to be thinking about. Not them or the memories.

When the focus returns, there’s courage and determination to grow and the energy to find that true partner. It’s easier to overcome the impulses and triggers and regain authority over your heart and mind when you put yourself first. Try that the next time you begin to feel guilty or sad.

Are you having a hard time with that breakup because you like to indulge the painful feelings?

Too often we think we deserve to feel guilty and suffer inner (if not outer) shame and embarrassment. Shame is one of those feelings we do our best to avoid but has a way of sneaking in at all hours of the day. Okay, fair enough. But let me ask you… what’s it really about? Who’s definition of love are you trying to live up to? Because the God I know wouldn’t want you to suffer in love. And your life is a long time to be suffering.

There are these magic properties with time and space that will help when you’re having a hard time with that breakup.

There really is something to be said about time passing. You really will shoulder on. It’ll be emotional at first (until you gain control over your thoughts and feelings) and then the memories will come and go and they won’t hurt so much. Over time, they’ll come and go and make you smile. You’ll regain your center and become grateful that relationship is over.

Believe you’re worth the love coming your way.

Have some faith… there’s a person out there looking for you. Just the right one, with the right color eyes and the perfect smile. They’re looking for you too. Maybe they’re wondering why they’ve got these kinds of memories too.

Over time, they’ll be able to move on, put some distance between the memories. Eventually, they’ll be able to see you too. Count on that! Know that. That’s how you’ll get over a breakup when you’re the dumper. Remember that you’re worthy of a real love. That’s why you ended it, to begin with.

Mend A Broken Heart-How to Get Over a Breakup When You Still Love Her

March 15, 2017

Expecting a new lover to fill you up when you can’t do it on your own is a set-up for another breakup. My first breakup happened when I was sixteen – the one where I was at the receiving end of “it’s over.” I needed a date for the Junior Prom. My poor father was standing there watching me. He was at a complete loss as to how to stop the tears running down my face. What could he say to help me get over a breakup and mend a broken heart?

Learn to mend a broken heart because holding on to people who don’t love you, hurts.

It’s a waste of time, energy, and sucks the life out of you. It’s also not up to someone else to mend a broken heart after a breakup. Yet, the comfort of a dysfunctional relationship can simply be so familiar. It’s almost impossible to be the one willing to end it because it feels normal. But we know, something that wasn’t good, to begin with, should end.

Whether you’re the person moving on or not, It’s incredibly painful to experience heartbreak. To mend a broken heart is a real phenomenon that can affect well-being going forward. It can also become a defining moment in your life. It can become the opportunity to shift from being at “rock bottom” to having hope and meaning.

Breakups tap into our basest fears and anxieties. If you’re not careful, it can damage your spirit going forward.

One healthy way to get over a breakup and mend a broken heart is to do some real soul searching. This may sound stupid or too touchy-feely to you. But stick with me… it’s time to get real, very sober and to enact a “get on the bench” attitude before embarking on another relationship too quickly.

Way too often, relationships break up over how people show up in relationships. For example, we think we allow others to communicate with us but in fact, quite often, we don’t. You may be caught up assuming you let her express herself fully. But every time you stopped her from being that bright shiny woman you fell in love with, you prevented her from being who she truly is.

You can’t ever control how others feel. But the same goes for men. Anytime a woman harps on a guy for not being her idealized man, she chips away at his self-esteem and self-regard. No healthy person can stay in a toxic environment (no matter how good the sex). When the need to grow shows up, which is daily BTW, and it gets snuffed out, it’s over because otherwise, we’re bored. We get resentful.

Getting over a breakup requires more than just getting into bed with someone else.

A lot of people mistakenly think the way to mend a broken heart is to get under someone else. (Or on top – but you get the picture.) Let me be perfectly clear, there’s nothing wrong with having sex! The problem comes when you’re using someone else to get through the hurt. Usually, that’s because your identity is wrapped up in being sexual.

Sex is a GREAT distraction! It feels wonderful. It soothes your wounded ego and the attention and beauty of having someone new in your arms is not like anything else. However, this new lover usually is simply a substitute for the work you have to do. And, worst of all, hanging out with someone regularly (NEWS FLASH: I’m talking to you guys who hook up with the same woman week in and week out through your divorce) will cause you to

Marry someone you don’t truly love because they helped you through your darkness and you feel guilty or
You’ll break up with them, once divorced, because you’re feeling good and you’re done with them – causing them twice as much pain as you went through.

Until you deal with yourself and take responsibility for what you messed up, you’ll simply attract someone else who won’t want to or can’t love you back.

Yes, you want that abandonment and loss behind you. You want to feel like yourself again and move on to a “real” healthy, fun, richer, kinder, younger, more beautiful partner. But this is when you must trust that timing is everything.

After a breakup, learn to care for yourself the way you mistakenly think only someone else can.

Get on the bench… (especially if you’re still in the middle of your negotiation) Figure out what was missing in your relationship. Do the things you love to do on your own for your own good. Recall the things that are important to you so when you’re ready, you can select a woman more in alignment with who you are.

Expecting someone else to mend your broken heart or to fill your bottomless pit is being irresponsible. No one – no partner, no healthy woman – can fix what they didn’t break. That is your job. It is your role to nurture yourself, become happy, light-hearted and at ease. You bring yourself wherever you go. So do some healing and focus on taking care of you.