Loneliness

Loneliness Is The New Badge Of Honor For A Divorcé. Here’s How To Stop Being A Cliché

May 31, 2018

It gets a bum rap, this feeling called loneliness. It makes us think we’re unworthy of love, being loved, and loving another. The feeling of loneliness feels like the new badge of honor for a divorcé. It seems real and impenetrable when in fact, it’s simply a feeling. A passing moment. Something that you can manage, control, and overcome. Here’s how to stop being a cliché so that you can get on with your life, gather a new group of friends, find a new lover, and get your life moving. It’s time. Is loneliness the new badge of honor for a divorcé? Yes, it is! Loneliness is also the key to getting on with things.

Here’s to new beginnings!

Getting a re-do halfway through your life is a blessing in disguise. It comes with excitement, usually way too much drama, and a big ole kick in the pants. But a new beginning is exactly that… a new beginning. A chance to re-rack, sit on the bench for a bit, assess, decide where your values begin and boundaries end. I love new beginnings! In fact, I practice that each day of my life, never mind every hour, minute or even second is a chance for me to simply get my life moving in the right direction.

Call it what you will, after a breakup, all you have is a new beginning. And for that, we must celebrate.

So why the loneliness? The feelings of ennui, the fear of stepping into the unknown? Why does it feel like a cliché to be home, alone, feeling unwanted and afraid? Because getting a re-do halfway through means you’ve been through some life experience. You’ve had a bit too much drama even. Perhaps, you’re ready for things to quiet down so you can think…

This sort of shift in behavior feels different. It feels uncomfortable, unnatural (you were with someone else for a period of time weren’t you?) Of course it does! It sucks at times to be home alone, feeling sorry for yourself. (This is where that cliché comes in!) But just because those feelings of loneliness feel like a new badge of honor doesn’t mean you can’t handle them or that they are now the definition of who you are. You are not a cliché!

You are dealing with real heartache, real loneliness, real healing.

Take some time to feel the feels. Get in touch with that pain, the grieving, the loss. The more you do, the less time that loneliness will hang around. Seems impossible? That’s because you’ve made the passing moments of loneliness define who you are.

Loneliness Is The New Badge Of Honor For A Divorcé

Loneliness is the feeling that moves you out the door instead of the feeling that makes you stay stuck. You see, it’s simply not a fun feeling. It effectively challenges you and how you view your place at this time in your life. It’s that kick-in-the-pants kind of experience – the one that will make you, force you, to join an online dating app, go to the gym, call friends and invite yourself over for a holiday meal. It’s the catalyst to change. And for that, you bet loneliness is the new badge of honor for a divorcé!

Make your life happen to overcome your loneliness.

My home is quiet, calm, even a bit boring at times so when I sit at home, I get lonely. Fortunately, it takes two steps outside my building and I’m in NYC. Every day, every single day, I get outside my four walls. Since I work from home, this is mandatory. But even if I didn’t, if I worked for a company and had to be inside their four walls all day long, then my car or a commute, I would still get outside every day.

Getting outside forces me to make my life happen. You don’t get to stop living just because you’re feeling lonely. We often think we can’t do anything with this feeling but I believe we have way more power and control over ourselves and our loneliness mood than we believe we do. I have to believe in the possibility of growing. So, get outside. Make your life happen.

Once you commit to movement, anything is possible.

Enjoying that walk? How about a run… Like the people, you say hello to in the morning? Why not join them at a community event? Feeling confident with a little sunshine and exercise? Maybe it’s time to join that gym. Or the online dating app.

Taking action is the first step in overcoming any sort of ennui or loneliness. It’s really just getting out of your own way. (And walking away from the bag of potato chips you’ve got in the kitchen… for your kids, of course. Just sayin’!)

When I’m outside, my mind expands. The thoughts take on a bigger perspective. I do most of my best thinking walking Central Park and for those who follow my IG stories, you know I’m fascinated by trees and leaves. Silly but so useful for my head. And my heart. And my mood.

It’s way too easy to stay stuck in the cliché if we let ourselves.

I challenge you to start small and move away from the feelings of loneliness. To take that badge of honor and use it to move your life forward in the direction you want. Learn to expand your thoughts, not as a way to avoid feeling the feels but to put yourself in a bigger context. Your life will change. Inevitably. You get more control by actively participating in doing the changing rather than having change forced upon you.

You never have to stay stuck in loneliness.

You do have a choice even if that choice is uncomfortable. Asking for help or reaching out for company isn’t the easiest thing to do after having a ready-made playmate anytime you needed to be entertained. But now that you’re single, choosing whom to spend your time with is in your hands. There are no victims here! It may feel weird or different but those feelings will go away once you start enjoying yourself and doing something other than watching reruns on Netflix.

This is the time to make new memories, find new traditions, and build a new supportive group of friends. You’re now able to surround yourself with the kind of people you want to be with whether they’re into sports or cooking, traveling or books. You get to decide what kind of person you’d like to date even if you’re not ready for a serious relationship. And you’re the one who gets to choose how much time you need alone or how much socializing helps you feel connected.

Toss that badge of honor away. Let the loneliness pass.

Every time you move toward a new step out and about you shake off that loneliness. Each time you decide it’s more important to select high-quality entertainment, friendships, and activities, you’re the one creating a new life for yourself. And letting that cliché go. At first, it won’t be easy but as you become more and more comfortable with this new version of yourself, you’ll be grateful for experiencing loneliness. Afterall, it is the key to getting on with things!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit https://linktr.ee/laura_bonarrigo.

You’re Not Alone. Coping With Depression Due To Divorce Is Incredibly Common

May 17, 2018

Coping with depression due to divorce is incredibly common. The acute phase of a divorce means an acute experience filled with high-intensity emotions. The energy it takes to walk out of a relationship usually isn’t accompanied by a simple handshake. Even when it is, the emotions that follow tend to get ramped up. Which is why it can be confusing when the heart and mind begin to balance and a sense of feeling depressed comes over you. You’re not alone. Whether you were the one who wanted out or were the one who was left, loss and trauma are real and intense. Anger balances depression. Excitement balances feelings of loss and sadness. If you’re coping with depression due to divorce, here are a few ways to help.

Coping with depression due to divorce

The Mayo Clinic says, “Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn’t worth living.”

Anyone going through a divorce is experiencing some if not all of these “mood disorders”! One of the major reasons why depression occurs (not including age, changes in hormones, inherited traits, and general brain chemistry) is ‘trauma or stressful events, low self-esteem, loss of a loved one, a difficult relationship or financial problems.’

You are in good company!

Shame causes people to pull-in and isolate themselves. This contributes to the sense of being unworthy of friendship or being loved. It causes us to second guess ourselves and to be self-critical. The cycle feeds upon itself and the more you feel bad about yourself – what you did or didn’t do (what you could or couldn’t do!) – the more you want to pull-in and hide.

When you’re coping with depression due to divorce, it’s difficult to reach out for help.

Most people are willing to see a therapist. Therapists are great because they’re trained to help you understand what you’re going through, how you’re feeling and can help you come up with ways to shift your mood. They truly help define the kind of relationship you had in the past so you can make some room amidst the self-criticism to understand what you were up against.

I found my therapist truly helpful after my divorce. My sessions gave me a place to vent, talk-through, and grasp what had been going on during my marriage. But then, at a certain point, it was up to me to move my life forward.

Self-disclosure, I am prone to depression. Not to the extent that I want to end my life, but enough to know how it feels to want to stay in bed all day or to overeat or to cry a lot. I think I have a genetic propensity towards depression. So over the years, I’ve had to learn a lot of coping skills to deal with who I am…. my brain chemistry and genetic makeup.

I have found that what the experts suggest really helps me cope with my low-grade depression.

daily exercise
being outdoors
eating well
avoiding things like alcohol or drugs
having good social connections
finding meaningful work
understanding my purpose for being here

When coping with depression due to divorce, there are a few things to keep in mind.

Know where you are on the scale.

If you’re unable to get out of bed some days (especially the days when your kids are with their other parent) understand this is pretty normal. But if you’re unable to get out of bed and feed your kids or go to work, please reach out to a professional and get yourself some help.

If you’re overeating or maybe under eating, know that both those practices are pretty normal when coping with depression after divorce. But if these practices continue for weeks or months, even years on end, please reach out for some help. Your health and stamina will be seriously impacted. No one is worth hurting yourself over!

If you’re using or drinking too much, and you’ve had a history of coping with trauma with drugs or alcohol, you don’t need me to suggest you stop. There are millions of people who use to avoid feelings afraid of what those feelings mean about them. So get some help with these practices too.

If you’re crying a lot or angry with everyone, you may want to speak with a therapist or a coach because that anger or those tears may be hormonally related (which would make sense) but could also be a sign of self-esteem issues. However, being angry or crying a lot after a traumatic loss makes sense! Those feelings are normal! But, when they interfere with your work or your familial relationships, you’ll probably want to get some support and perspective on your divorce.

There will be times during your divorce when you may feel life isn’t worth living. Those are the super dark moments most of us go through. (If you didn’t go through them while married and filled with disappointment and fear.) But if you’re suicidal, then for sure a therapist or MD is needed – again, I do not believe for one minute that any human being is worth hurting oneself over even though I understand the pain of a big loss!

You’re not alone. Coping with depression after divorce is incredibly common and surrounding yourself with support is part of that solution.

I started my doingDivorce™ classes precisely because of how isolated and alone I felt during my divorces. When I was a child, we were the only family in my community who were divorced. My sister and I were pulled from our private school. My outside classes were stopped, my mom was kicked out of the Catholic church. We stopped having Sunday dinners with my dad’s extended family. It was a very isolating time.

As a young adult going through my first divorce, I had the luxury of age on my side even though when I was dating, I stood out like a sore thumb having gone through a divorce so young. Those days were more hopeful but equally difficult. There were many dark days. However, fortunately, I didn’t have to carry the additional burden of not becoming a parent at that time.

People without the kids they wanted, have loss compounded by the losing their marriage and not becoming a parent. The grieving is hard and acceptance seemingly elusive. Coping with depression due to divorce without having had the family you wanted is particularly difficult to handle. Be sure to find some support for this sort of pain.

As a parent going through a divorce, one would think I had it all. My children have their father in their lives, he takes care of them, pays his maintenance, and stays out of my life. But the cost was five years of litigation and a trial, loads of money, no relationship with his family, the loss of friends from the social circle we once shared, and a significant cut in lifestyle.

The loss of my friends and family were particularly difficult to deal with initially. I had to overcome my ego and reach out and meet new people. Whether I wanted to or not, I had to put myself into uncomfortable situations and risk being seen in order to have a new group of people I could lean on for support and friendship.

At times the shame and stigma of coping with depression due to divorce are very debilitating yet, I have found we’re the only ones who are truly in our own way.

It feels almost impossible to risk being seen when we feel down. We’re afraid of being ostracized and criticized (for good reason). Sometimes it seems easier to stay hidden in our homes than it is to reach out and get the help we need. We forget we can feel better about ourselves. Risking being seen as imperfect isn’t more difficult than pouring a glass of wine, but it does require courage.

I encourage you to find a mentor, a coach, a therapist or a group you can join that will help you move away from your pain toward a better future. You’re worthy of being happy (no matter what may or may not have happened in your family). Try to stay away from people who continue to stir the pot and have you feel bad about yourself. Do your best to get a big perspective on where you are.

Adjusting To Being A Single Dad When You Are Miserable (And Missing Your Ex)

May 10, 2018

Sometimes it doesn’t matter who wanted out. Adjusting to being a single dad when you are miserable (and missing your ex) is tough. There’s this enormous amount of pressure from kids and frankly, from yourself, to do things the way their mom did. However, way too often, no matter how much you try, your kids still find a way to criticize the efforts you’re making. Which is why adjusting to being a single dad can be particularly lonely and isolating. Nothing seems to go right and it’s tough to reach out for help and to get the right kind of support needed to smooth out this period of time.

Kids have a way of scrutinizing the best of parents.

It’s not that they don’t want you to succeed, they simply see the struggle, the differences, and zero in on your lack of confidence. They, like, you, aren’t comfortable with all the changes in the family and lifestyle. They can’t grasp heartache to the extent you can. They’re also not well-equipped with a sense of compassion or an understanding of the amount of effort you’re making to get their lives running smoothly in the right direction.

The task in front of you is real. How to adjust to being a single dad and manage the emotions coursing through you? That ex, no matter what happened, also was a familiar presence in your home. She didn’t leave just to make your life miserable (even when she did). In the big picture of things, she left so that you could figure out how to step into your independence. The gifts? A chance to grow. An opening for a re-do halfway through your life. An opportunity to build a new relationship with your kids dependent upon what you and they want. No mothers allowed!

In the midst of the changes are the feelings.

It’s frustrating to be angry and miserable at the same time. It can be confusing to be missing someone who wanted to leave or who made your life difficult. And it’s confounding to still be physically attracted to someone who just blew up your home.

Many men even argue they don’t miss her and don’t want her back. But yet, they begin searching for a new lover long before they’re emotionally healed or ready to give wholeheartedly to a healthy partner. So I argue, covering up that hurt, shame, and loneliness with a new girl on your arm only makes matters worse, not better. The confusion of conflicting emotions just doesn’t make adjusting to being a single dad any easier.

A bad marriage rips apart parents’ roles. Moms trash dads and dads become super insecure and defensive. I see this over and over again. As a mom, I wasn’t able to support my own children’s father either as he forged ahead to create a new lifestyle with my kids. A life without me. No matter what he thought or felt about me, adjusting to being a single dad was difficult and confusing to him and to my kids. I know, because my kids told me.

However miserable adjusting to being a single dad when you are missing your ex is, it gives you a real chance to change the course of your future.

It sets you up to get in touch with feelings you’ve probably shoved down with food, alcohol, cigarettes, and sex (sometimes for years). It allows you to home in on the parts of you that are undeveloped and needing some maturing up.

This looks like showing up for your kids as the kind of adult you want them to become. Teaching them how to develop resilience in the face of fear or disappointments. Being there for them when they need a compassionate, warm, and strong presence even when you don’t feel up to it. Reminding them that you’ve got this and together, that you’ll figure things out whether you believe you will or not.

Sure, this appears immense in the face of loss. It’s difficult when you’re missing her and they’re crying for their mom as you’re trying to put them to bed on the nights you have them. It’s awful when you go to pick them up on your weekend but the kids don’t want to come with you or they hang up on you when you call to check in.

I remember being that child.

I recall how my poor dad just seemed to shrink in the face of my tears and how he lost the words to comfort me. This is a normal experience for divorced parents and it’s tough to bear witness to your child’s pain. However, it also provides you a chance to create a different relationship with your kids. To help them bond with you by being there for them in the role of being their parent no matter how you feel inside.

In fact, these feelings inside now have a chance to be expressed. Modeling how you express them allows your child a healthy example of vulnerability. By acknowledging the pain, by expressing your own confusion but delivering the words with age-appropriate statements, you as the single dad, are showing your kids how to handle life’s difficulties.

Separation and divorce bring immense changes into everyone’s life.

It’s not easy to ride out the tough moments without losing it a bit. And lose it a bit you probably should though in a safe space and at the right time. (Instead of hiding behind the pack of cigarettes or another beer.) Some people write others compose, still, others learn to channel their feelings into exercise or something creative in the kitchen.

I find it exciting when the dads I coach teach their kids family traditions. Or when they bond over their mutual enjoyment of rides or activities and hobbies.

All of these emotional experiences are normal and natural. They make sense only in the context of this modern-day rite of passage. How else are you, a single dad, going to forge ahead and make your home life happy without her? How are you going to grieve so you can forgive? Let go so you can have what you’ve always wanted? Figure things out so you can earn back your self-esteem, your self-respect? Never mind let go enough to have an open heart?

If I could leave you with one piece of advice, it would be this: know that you and your children will manage and even thrive if you allow the roller coaster of emotions to go through you without shaming or blaming. As you begin adjusting to being a single dad when you are miserable and missing your ex, you begin your healing from the loss of your family. This is an important and vital step in the experience.

If you find yourself at a loss sometimes, you may want to consider getting my daily inspiration emails. I fill them with hope, inspiration, and perspective. I do my best to help those navigating this rite of passage with more grace and confidence.

Terrified Of Moving Out Of The Family Home After Divorce? Here’s What You Can Expect To Happen

December 30, 2017

Moving out of the family home is one of the most terrifying things that happen during a divorce. It becomes one of the single, most defining statements a couple makes to announce to others that the union is over. No matter who stays in the family home, the shift is real, dramatic, and ushers in a new phase of separation. It also brings up a lot of pain and disappointment which can then lead to loneliness and sometimes depression. Terrified of moving out of the family home after your divorce? Here’s what you can expect to happen when you do so that your thoughts and feelings don’t overwhelm or scare you.

We on the outside rarely if ever understand what it takes to break apart a couple.

We’re usually not there when they fight, made love, lied to one another or sat quietly on a couch together. We weren’t part of their daily fabric, the rhythm of their breath, the pace of their days. So for us, on the outside, we also don’t get what it takes for some couples to break apart. We’re stumped by the behavior, the level of rage, the lying, the mean-spiritedness. We simply don’t get it.

But often, the partnership doesn’t get it either. It takes a lot of energy to break apart a family and that energy usually isn’t our more attractive sides. We usually don’t break apart with a handshake just the way we don’t fall in love with a peck on the cheek. These are big statements. Big actions. Life changing dramatic shifts which can be terrifying. Moving out is one of those big statements. Big changes. What we don’t realize, any of us really, is what it’s going to take to make that shift happen.

Because moving out of the family home is real, it usually requires a lot of momentum and energy.

Emotions like rage, frustration, and anger often precipitate the break. Actions like arguing, yelling, and aggressive packing and the grabbing of stuff tend to initiate the walking out. There’s no mistaking when one partner leaves but what is often mistaken is what happens next.

There’s a re-grouping that begins to happen as soon as the move occurs. No one can sustain that level of anger or rage for long (and if they do, they may need medical help). The body naturally seeks balance and usually, that means a big drop in feelings. Often to the level of sadness, tears, even depression. A wallowing in self-doubt and second-guessing usually happens when the mind plays tricks on us and we start minimizing what really led to this point in the relationship. This is natural and to be expected. It also doesn’t mean you’re crazy. This is a normal part of the process.

A new family home to call your own:

When you prepare yourself to create a safe place of your own, it’s easier to leave the family home. (Please don’t be leaving one difficult environment for another stressful one!) You’re looking for a place where you can begin to get your feet under you – a family guest room, a friend’s pad, a hotel room, a week-to-week sublet. Any place you can begin to calm down and think. A place where you can cry and scream without worrying about the neighbors. A place where, if you wish, you can curl up and watch your favorite movie, spread your papers all about or simply sit and look out a window. This is your space to begin processing, feeling, and healing.

This is not the place for you to have your soulmate. It’s not the place you’re going to spend the rest of your life. Just about everyone needs a safe landing… a place to call home while the initial rage and anger of ending an unhealthy dynamic can begin to shift. The tears, sadness, and lethargy mean balancing is beginning to occur. That’s all.

Don’t mistake what’s happening after you leave the family home for going crazy or acting out.

Expect this sort of physiological reaction and behavior. You’re fine! Safe even. It’s what your body and mind need to do next.

Many times clients come to me thinking they’re freaking out. They go on anti-depressants because they’re angry or in a crying jag.* They mistake their rage as a new normal or misunderstand their need to rest as being out of character for how they view themselves.

I’m here to reassure you that this is a normal, natural reaction to the level of energy, emotion, and physical exertion that’s required for the moment of moving out – the literal, physical manifestation that the relationship is over. Whether you were the one who stayed or you’re the one who left. Anyone who seems to have it all together is momentarily mistaken. I rarely ever hear a client say they’re just fine.

The next shift is the deeply personal one…

Once the union is broken, the mind shifts to what’s happening in your own life. Or on the life of the person, you just left. Unfortunately, it’s way easier to think about them than it will be to think about and begin to heal yourself at this point.

Don’t be surprised when you become fixated on them. But do your very best to focus on yourself instead. Not because they don’t matter but because once you’ve moved out of the family home (or they’re out of the home) you’ve shared, you’re done living and being responsible for them. You’re only responsible for yourself – your healing, your food, your sleep, the rest you require, the things you do to stay calm, centered, safe; the feelings that come up and need processing, the thoughts you have. These are yours to manage and to control. Not theirs.

Moving out of your family home and becoming single again isn’t easy.

It’s not for the faint of heart. In my experience, there’s this big shift that may need you to put some structure in to stay healthy. Your thoughts can easily affect your mood. And, learning how to step away and co-parent or step away and let them be will need some accountability and direction. No one does this healing work on their own. (If they did, there’d be no second or third divorces.) So consider giving yourself some weekly support that I write. You’re worthy of having a great life and moving out doesn’t have to be terrifying.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of The Better Divorce and doingDivorce™ School – online coaching programs for those ready to shed the pain of breakups. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com.

*If your emotions like tears, lethargy or seemingly irrational fear become overwhelming, please seek professional help. Medications are incredibly useful for some people but be sure to be under an MD’s care if you are.

3 Essential Tips You Need For Coping With Loneliness After You End Your Marriage

December 22, 2017

The feelings of sadness and being depressed when one is single after a divorce is difficult to imagine. The effort it takes to end your marriage usually involves strong feelings. So the idea that you might have to still cope with your divorce a year later, two, three… years later, and being sad seems out of step with the person you thought you would be. Here are 3 essential tips you need for coping with loneliness after you end your marriage.

If you initially spent many months or years dating and having fun in reaction to an unhappy union, you may not understand feeling isolated or still being single a few years later. Coping with loneliness and feeling separated from happy couples or happy families haunts us and makes most divorcees question their decision of getting divorced.

I truly believe that divorce is a chance to recreate a life.

Your decision to end your marriage gave you the opportunity to look ahead and become happy with yourself and what you’re doing. One part of the healing process is learning how to manage the intense roller coaster of emotions and make the courage necessary to rework a life in full swing. To do so, there are a few things to know.

You cannot do this alone. No one can.

Too often with a divorce, the shame and stigma of a failed marriage have people pull in and hide even if they are working or dating. You may be a parent at a school and out and about at your gym but still not feel completely whole. The problem is that there’s this piece that often feels unworthy and competitive wondering how to get what they have.

Competition is all around when you decide to end your marriage.

A new divorcee often wonders how other people were able to recreate their lives after their divorce. The competition can eat at you as you question your attractiveness and assess your self-confidence. Instead of dating, you may be at home on a Friday night afraid to be naked or even imagine making love to a new partner. These feelings are not unique to you. Every person going through divorce questions the future and how they’re going to show up in it. Every person wants to hide. And you can’t.

Find yourself some support –

Most people going through a breakup find support whether with a church, a mentor or a community that will remind you of your beauty, kindness, and heart. You’re worthy of being loved and being out there. The fear and embarrassment, the shame even, are part and parcel of your healing. They are a call for help. As you heal and surround yourself with the right kind of support, you will find yourself feeling less alone or stigmatized. Let me say it again… you are not alone and you can’t do this by yourself. No one can.

Growth is not linear and you’ll have to generate the enthusiasm and courage to be seen even when it’s not easy.

This means, if you’re hiding behind your work, your children, your weight, your familial responsibilities, it’s time to cry “uncle” and start taking some me time. In order to step out from behind your excuses and meet new people and generate feelings of love, you’re going to have to be seen. Which means, your lifestyle needs some tweaking! It may feel uncomfortable to join a gym, hire a trainer, get a new hairstyle, join a club or say “no” to your parents’ constant demands. But in order to alter your feelings of being separate and disconnected to others your age and people with whom you could create new friendships, you must.

Consider how you actually know what to do versus what you’re actually doing.

This is a good time to recommit to yourself. This is the time to declare that you matter and to really do something about how you feel about yourself. Some courage (because it may feel awkward at first) and some enthusiasm (to help you get through that moment you want to give up) will be necessary and helpful. You can do it! You can be seen and when you are, when you feel as if you belong, you will feel less lonely and better able to cope with your the choice to end your marriage with divorce or separation.

Sometimes the feelings of loneliness make you question your decision to end your marriage (or your decision not to go along with what was needed to stay married).

Let’s take a look at this one! Everyone questions change. No one likes it. No one wants to fight or go through a battle over parenting plans and money. People who haven’t been working, don’t want to go back to work. Kids don’t want to go back and forth between parents’ homes. Parents don’t want to fight. No one wants to break up with a new lover shortly after or during separation and divorce. It’s a time in life when the desire to have things be easy rings paramount.

So of course, questioning your decision to end your marriage will come up over and over again especially when you’re feeling alone and sad. It’s a natural response to the pain of separation. It’s part of the process.

Which doesn’t make your decision to grow into a new life wrong!

You’re not wrong to want to end something that wasn’t working. You’re not wrong to declare you couldn’t continue living the way you were. If it was a happy, comfortable union and you felt seen, heard, respected and loved, you wouldn’t be where you are today. You wouldn’t be reading this particular article. Stay in the truth of your story – not the feelings you think are real. They’re just sensations that cause you to question what’s up and why you chose to end your marriage. They aren’t the real you. And the real you is more than capable of creating a future apart from the way the past used to be.

Despite knowing what you’re capable of, I also completely relate to those feelings.

I experienced a lot of loneliness, depression, and anger during and after my divorce(s). It takes a great deal of effort to overcome those feelings. I remember and recall the daily courage it took to stop the fighting, stop the demanding, stop the blame. There were many, many hours when I had to allow the grief to go through me and wait for my courage to take hold.

The healing process of divorce will be at times, quite a roller coaster. You will feel as if you’re out of control especially if you’re not one to usually experience and feel the range of feelings you’re capable of. But knowing this, expecting it and going through the range of feelings may feel anywhere from unpleasant to scary. You may want to disassociate, ask for anti-depressants*, feel you can’t handle yourself. If that’s the case, seek support. Share this article with others you know who aren’t coping well with their decision to end their marriage. Find a good mentor, one who understands the experience of going through a divorce and the healing it requires to complete it. You are capable of way more than you think.