Life Post-Divorce

The Best Parenting Advice I Ever Received (You’ll Love It Too!)

July 4, 2017

The best parenting advice I receive comes from other parents. I may not always want their advice but it just usually happens none the less. It’s funny where wisdom comes from – the guy down the hall may have nothing in common with you except for the fact you’re both fathers and then wham💥 he comes up with the best parenting advice you’ve ever heard! It’s been the same for me.

As an adult and then a mom, I figured I knew everything there was to know about raising kids. And clearly, I knew nothing! How often do you feel the same way? The difference between parents going through a divorce feeling prepared and those who don’t is simply experience. Divorce is a rite of passage much like parenting is. It forces us to understand and expect change. As well, I’ve learned that parenting skills can be acquired and the advice we’re given is a lesson in itself on showing up.

Now let’s chunk this down for easy handling:

Imagine being calm and centered? Playing with your kid, making dinners together, watching movies, having an evening prayer or chat together before bed each night? Imagine the great bonding during the car ride home after the game able to discuss the umpire’s call and how the team played? Imagine feeling up to parenting day-in-and-day-out?

Hysterical right, that’s a tall order for any human being never mind a parent! I have never been the best at keeping calm. I’m usually in a hurry to get a meal on the table, and car rides home dissolve into traffic jams way too often where I live. Life is never centered.

Best parenting advice: the days are long but the years are short.

When I first heard that, I was eight years away from even becoming a mom. The woman I was speaking with was a parent on set at One Life To Live. Her son was an actor and we spent lots of time between shooting scenes discussing parenting. I peppered her with questions. And then I became a mom and the days were super long, exhausting really. You know what I’m talking about, right?

Then the years began adding up and now my parenting on a daily basis is nearly over. As my kids got older and older, the years have had them leaving me regularly. I’ve written about that in my article: The Most Important Parenting Advice For Divorced Parents With Teens It’s strange to think that what was once so daunting and exhausting is nearly over!

One February, I was visiting friends in Maine who adopted three siblings through the state foster care system. (Lucky children!) I was probably arguing with mine about wearing mittens or snow pants or something and when they were finally sent out the door I turned to her in exasperation. She said this:

Best parenting advice: let your kids decide what clothing to wear outside.

Stick with me here because I feel your pain! I couldn’t wrap my head around her advice either what with the conflicting thoughts… What if they didn’t remember to put on their gloves? Then they got sick or got frostbite? What if I’m accused of not being a good mother? Or worse, what would happen if they’re homesick for days on end and I have to stay home from work?

Then I remembered: it only takes making one freezing cold snowball or one soaking wet shirt to teach someone to wear more clothing to play in the snow or to walk in the rain! I simply made sure they had a hat and mittens or gloves in their backpacks (ahem, to this day!). Usually, I have extra foldup umbrellas so they can carry one. And I throw in old sunglasses and hand warmers when they’re not looking. Super Mom! I’m prepared and so are they.

For awhile I was coaching moms on how to feed their kids well. I had a company I called Feed Your Mouths and worked with a few families nearby. I was pretty obsessed with giving my kids the best nutrition possible – there was no sugar or refined flours allowed (my poor kids!) and I kept getting referrals to help other families serve up tasty and nutritious meals. What I remember learning from one MD I followed, was this choice piece of advice when I asked about coaching families whose kids wouldn’t eat healthfully:

Best parenting advice: parents are the ones who do the grocery shopping, not children.

Eureka! That put the responsibility 100% on the ones carrying the credit card and driving the car. Which also meant, that they (the parents) had to have the confidence and the resilience to deal with a few days of temper tantrums. Because part two of this advice goes like this:

Best parenting advice: kids will eat when they’re hungry and they’ll usually eat whatever you put in front of them.

You know this is true! You also know that if you leave cut vegetables with some yummy dip on the counter when a child is hungry, they will eat them without an argument. They’ll even like them. Especially when they’re younger! Now, I admit, as they age and get to shop around by themselves, choices get a bit dicey but here again, I lean into the wisdom of the 80%-20% rule reminding myself that kids need nutritious, good meals 80% of the time (they really need it 100% of the time, but I’m leaving a little wiggle room for Grace here.)

And the reason I’m leaving some wiggle room for Grace here is because of The Very Best Parenting Advice I Ever Received that I got when I separated. Like most newly separated parents, those first few months (years) are really tough. What kids wear and what they eat becomes fuel for many, many emails and phone calls between client and attorney or texting feuds between divorcing parents trying to find their way toward respectful co-parenting. Every opportunity to fight becomes fuel to feed the negativity and vitriol.

I don’t advise succumbing to this type of arguing: using what a child eats or wears as a reason to fight. The days are long enough, your children are growing up in front of your eyes and they’re watching you, modeling exactly what you do – good or bad! Your attorney may win, but in truth, they don’t. They may earn more money listening to your temper tantrum (sorry, but true) however, you lose respect and they worry you’re not a credible, believable client as well.

Best parenting advice: your children will be fed and watered. They’ll be safe and taken care of.

They may eat pizza and stay up until midnight but they will be watched by the #1 babysitter you could ever ask for. Try to remember that. No one else loves your children as much as their other parent!

Every fiber of your being is going to rail against them eating pizza and fries every weekend they’re with their other parent. You will scream when they come to you tired and cranky. Then you will want to scold and teach, and argue, and belittle or compete against everything the other parent is doing. Too often, you’ll worry that your little ones have to become more responsible than their other parent.

Think about what you might be doing. Are you trying to measure up, fight with and bully your way via food and mittens? Don’t. Stop yourself. It’s simply not worth it.

Eventually, your children will learn and know what’s best for them.

Soon enough, they’ll know to put on their mittens and hats, to pack their own things and to feed themselves. Eventually, they’re going to grow up. All children must learn these lessons. You’re not a bad parent for letting them figure it out on their own.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of The Better Divorce and doingDivorce™ School – online coaching programs for those ready to shed the pain of breakups. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com.

What Women Need – The 9 Pitfalls Of Dating After Divorce (And How To Avoid Them)

June 20, 2017

A middle aged couple sitting with coffee show what women need for courtship after a divorce.

Sitting across from a guy on a date who’s going through a divorce, most women can tell whether he’s only into sex or wants something more. Usually, women can tell if a guy’s got serious, personal growth work to do. Understand there are some serious pitfalls of dating that you will fall into! The pitfalls cover all categories of courtship. From wanting sex to wanting a long-term relationship. Unfortunately, though, most women won’t wait for you to learn what to do right.

It’s important to manage your sex drive when you first start dating.

Women know you’re want to have sex. We get that you’re all stressed out and need a release. But, women are not there strictly for your sexual needs. Even when they’re horny too. The woman you want is not going to sleep with you on the first date. Seriously. This morning, I heard a single woman complain about an email some guy sent her. He wrote about “his passionate need to have sex in the morning.” She’s never met the guy! Guess what… delete!

I’m not saying, don’t have sex, just don’t think it’s going to go anywhere good if you hook up on your first night out at a bar. Recognize that hookups have their place but they usually don’t end with warm and fuzzy feelings.

Your desire for a beautiful woman is natural and normal.

There is nothing wrong with a normal desire and attraction for beautiful women. You’ve been attracted to beauty since you were a boy and things won’t change now. But, women are people too. Safe women can spy an unhealthy man from miles away. So figure out who you want to be.

The woman you want needs a man who’s taking care of himself as he’s going through a divorce.

No woman can be your mother and your lover at the same time. Any woman who volunteers to come to your rescue will bore you to tears within months of knowing her! Don’t be fooled by that “let me help you” attitude. It reeks of co-dependence and is a future headache.

Instead, learn to care for yourself. Figure things out. You can manage way more than you realize. Especially in today when the information you need is at your fingertips. If you don’t know how to manage a home, learn. Women, worth your attention will find a man capable of making dinner more attractive than one who can’t make his own coffee.

The girl you want doesn’t want to hear about your divorce, but will also put you under a microscope.

I’m going to get real here – you are going through a divorce (or a breakup) and you’re dating. Don’t you think she’s wondering why you broke up with your wife? Why your ex-kicked you out of her bed? Why you tolerated the crap you went through before leaving? You’re going to be under a microscope. You are being evaluated way more than you’re sizing up the size of her waist.

The world needs men who can be honest and good women want honest men.

No woman worth your attention wants a bad man. So the taller, better looking, and wealthier you are, the more a good woman will be eyeing the facts. At the same time, no woman wants to be your therapist! Just like some girl acting like your mom won’t be your lover. So change the subject, learn how to be curious about her.

I guess that means, stop using women strictly for your own needs. Going through a divorce is tough. Get yourself some help and be open and coachable so that you don’t make the same mistakes again. If you want a good partner in the future (and when the anger subsides, you will want one) then go heal.

Become the kind of man you would want your own daughter or your sister to marry.

The woman you want isn’t going to tolerate your drama. But until you decide it’s not worth it, you won’t outgrow the need for it. It’s time to figure out how to wrap up your divorce. Get over the fighting, and establish a new relationship with your kids. These things take real time and while you’re dealing with them, perhaps, get on the bench. Now I hear you… that sex drive is all up in my face. But, you’re fooling yourself if you think drama is going to keep you and your new lady lover together.

The woman you want will not tolerate your lies. If you’re a liar, you know exactly what I’m referring to. Women are not stupid. We may miss the signs for a bit, but the woman you want will not tolerate your lies. White lies also multiply and lying, in general, is addictive. No woman, no child can deal with your lies. It feels awful.

The woman you want needs you to be an adult, not some freaky romantic guy.

In other words, you do you and find out what she likes! Most women can’t handle that mushy stuff all at once. When you call us “darling” and “dear,” or send us heart emojis, you might not mean to be offensive but it might freak us out. Some of us think you’re weird and needy, and creepy all at once. Be sure to find out if you may use those endearments before saying and typing them. We may not have grown up next to you and certain names and such might turn us off.

The woman you want is afraid to have you step-parent her children.

These are primal concerns and statistically very real. I now understand why moms with primary physical custody, are in less of a hurry to marry again then dads. It has to do with our primal wiring. It takes a healthy, good man to overcome the innate need to be top dog in the pack.

Being a step-father (or substitute father) is a tall order. There are good men able to rise to the occasion and provide for children not their own. If you’re on that track, in love with a woman who’s a mom, know this is the greatest responsibility you’ll ever face. Please get yourself the emotional support that you need. Make sure you know what you’re doing and learn how to do this role well.

The woman you want has been hurt and is looking for kindness and care as much as sex appeal and passion.

The woman you want has also been disappointed in love. She’s had a broken heart and is as wary as you are to get involved with someone new. That doesn’t mean she’s not available. It’s that you have to know where you stand and be able to woo her. The courtship is different when you’re older. You can’t date the way you did in your early 20’s even though you’ll try! Lucky for you, the woman you want is worth growing up for.

Dating After Marriage-What To Do If It Feels Like Cheating

March 22, 2017

Pairing up with the words, “I do” commits us to another person. No one takes that marriage commitment lightly. Frankly, it’s simply too easy to have sex without the responsibility, loyalty, and love required in a marriage. In many ways, the commitment of marriage carries more weight now than it did in the past. So, it’s not surprising that dating after divorce can feel like cheating.

You’ve belonged to someone else up until now – it’s a belief that’s difficult to shake even when a marriage is over.

Entering the dating world after the end of a marriage, you carry with your pain disappointment about the past. You probably have some guilt about what did or didn’t happen with a whole lot of grief mixed in. You may have a sense of why your marriage ended. Moreover, you may even be able to accept your part in the breakdown. However saying all that, the shock of dating is oftentimes more difficult than imagined.

Dating after divorce, there’s more history on your shoulders, open wounds, and a broken heart. The moment you reach for another often feels awkward. You don’t intimately know this new person in your arms which adds to the excitement. But also don’t know what they want, the way they like it or the way your bodies will connect. It is all thrilling. A little frightening. Very unfamiliar. And usually seems a little bit wrong.

Being with another lover feels exactly like cheating after a marriage – at least at first.

It going to take some time to disengage from your marriage. Going from being married to being single isn’t easy. Men and women equally, naively, believe that the way to get over the hurt or disappointment is to find a new lover. The fact that you’ve held onto the belief that you’re committed to another human being from the moment you said, “I do” takes a long time to mend. And you need to give yourself that time.

As they say, “this is a feeling life and we do best in connection.”

But leaving a marriage requires more than just finding someone new to couple up with. There’s a reason, maybe many, as to why the marriage fell apart. There is work to be done around unearthing those reasons. It takes some time to learn how to manage your own needs and nurture yourself alone. Then recreate boundaries and know who and what is safe for you. None of this is achieved by hooking up with a stranger no matter what you may hope.

The more you engage in meaningless sex, the longer it will take for you to heal from your divorce.

I’m not suggesting some puritanical idea about adult relations! I am recommending you give yourself a break from having to perform. And trying to show up perfectly. Defending yourself? Looking for approval and appreciation? Aren’t you ready to just be who you are without the need of a partner? My advice is to get on the bench and give yourself a little distance from all the pressure, anger or frustrations you’ve dealt with in your marriage.

The reason that dating feels like you’re cheating is that you know in your heart of hearts you’re not ready to be truly intimate yet.

What’s the rush? Are you afraid of not being able to perform? Do you need an outlet? Are you looking for intercourse without expectations or, meaningless sex? Do all of that if you must, just don’t be surprised by the feelings that may hijack you. And they will hijack you. When you go against your values – those deep-seated values that you honored when you got married in the first place, they will hijack you.

You see, there’s no reason to marry in today’s world, really. We couple up because it’s right for the human species. We are mammals who do better in intimate relations with another person. On a deep, heart, soul level, you know this. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be divorcing because you would never have married in the first place.

It’s time to stop pretending dating after a marriage isn’t difficult.

It’s time to give yourself permission to take care of you. To fix what’s broken (like your heart) and to shift your beliefs (that you’re super tough and capable of simply walking away). When a marriage ends, it’s best to figure out who you are today. (Sorry, you’re not that 20-year old no matter how much you want to turn back time.) Learn to grieve your lost dreams. (Yep, you lost them and it sucks. It really and truly hurts no matter what you’re telling yourself.)

No woman (or man) can fix any of this for you – that’s the lonely part of a divorce.

So how do you date without it feeling like cheating? You give yourself the gift of time and attention. Take some time to mend yourself enough to be able to focus on another human being over dinner. Slow down and give yourself a chance to merge reality and fantasy. Then get selective about who you let into your life (never mind your body) and you make yourself a priority (remember sex takes two people at least).

Dating isn’t going away and neither is sex! You won’t forget how to do it. You’ll be able to perform. There’ll be beautiful people to get naked with – it will all happen again – when you’re ready. So get ready and get going, you’ve got some healing work to do.

How to Handle Post – Divorce Rejection When “No” means “No.”

February 23, 2017

Separation is a time to turn inward and to grow as you figure out how to balance dating, rejection and what you want. As awful as it may feel, this is the time to focus on the things that went wrong in your breakup. It’s a chance to figure out your part and to forgive yourself so you have permission to change. Working this out, while also dating may feel odd. You may worry, “What if they’re the only date I’ll ever get again?”

On the flip side, there are times when you’re very clear. You’ve been listening to your gut and you know the person asking you out is totally wrong for you. Because you’ve been doing your healing work. But if you have not been dating for a while, you may wonder what to do when someone ignores what you’re saying. Your life, especially after divorce, is for you to create with clear boundaries and intentions. Be choosy. That means at times, dealing with rejection.

Rejection hurts. It taps into every past rejection whether from a lover, parent, friend or boss.

It fuels that common feeling that “I’m not enough” and triggers us to react. But rejection is universal. It’s also a part of why your relationship ended. Yet, it’s best to end relationships when you’re not heard, seen, and taken seriously.

To put this in perspective: several decades ago, when someone said, “I’m not interested” it was easier to deal with. Not that the disappointment or the pain of the rejection was easier, but the inability to troll someone with technology was more difficult. Writing a snail mail letter took a relatively long time. So people poured their feelings into poetry and song. Instead of stalking someone online to see if they’re happy. Be honest, how many times have you stared at an ex’s IG account?

The online world is a curated version of people’s lives, only showing those looking, a near perfect impression of reality.

Social Media is seductive and addictive. It’s a place where we can easily relieve everyday boredom with one easy click. Unfortunately, it’s hard enough to separate truth from fantasy during a breakup. But it’s exacerbated by the way we communicate on social media.

Likewise, just because they look happy with someone else, doesn’t mean their life is a movie star ending. Dating post-Divorce is still dating. We all struggle with rejection from Tinder and all those Match type algorithms.

Are you happy when your profile lights up? But feel dejected and lost when there’s no date on the horizon? I’m always curious, “When did we become so fragile and needy?” If you haven’t done any self-reflection, how can you show up as a worthy partner? Part of the inner work is figuring out who you are today so you can wisely choose a new partner for tomorrow.

If you’re uncomfortable rejecting someone else, try these as you get the hang of setting boundaries:

Online Dating Sites: “Thanks for reaching out. I’m pursuing other ‘matches’ for a bit and wish you good luck with yours!” (Then Mute, Block or Swipe)

On Facebook, Linkedin, Twitter and IG: Mute, Block or Delete

For an Email or a Text:

Dear _______ ,

Thanks for reaching out. I’m sorry, but I’m not interested in your romantically and wish you well. (Sign your name because it’s polite!)

If you’re the one being rejected, try these ideas:

Block them. Really and truly, use the technology to block or delete the person who doesn’t want to see you anymore. Simply protect yourself from yourself… tell yourself that “you will find a great partner” and stay off their feeds. Mute, Hide, Delete the connection. Step away from the emotional hit. When you focus your attention on taking care of yourself, you can balance the hit of rejection with the joys of being accepted.

Crisis Mode-Things to Understand When Your Marriage is Over

January 17, 2017

“What’s happening?” You went through the ceremony, said all those words, made promises and went on a honeymoon. Those were real events… physical, real experiences and you took to heart the vows coming out of your mouth. Years passed, there were the routines, children, friends. What you had was the comfort, familiarity, love, partnership. And then one day, it was over and you went into crisis mode. You discovered the drugs, the girlfriends, his things packed, the locks changed. She left with the kids. You begin what feels like the worst moments of your life…

The crisis mode you get into when a marriage ends is such a fragile, frightening place. At first, you’re simply spinning, tethered to this immense fear and anxiety. Instinct takes over as you start to search for answers to something you’ve no idea how to figure out. When you begin to see the marriage you’ve been living, it feels nearly impossible to look at this time as good. This is good old-fashioned, “I’m freaking out!” time. You’re going to be in a crisis mode for some time before you’re ready to see the big picture.

Understand that your behavior in this crisis moment is quite normal.

You’ve been the fish in the fishbowl unaware of what your life really has been for a long time. Tolerance and your rose-colored glasses have kept you feeling it’s all you, and the role of being blamed, has you convinced that you’re responsible for the breakdown or the opposite, 100% the victim.

What you don’t get is just how fragmented the agreement’s been for a really long time. How having a spouse in your bed, a mortgage, vacations or even family celebrations isn’t the same as partnership, fidelity or respect. This is when you begin to grasp the person who’s been your spouse and to take stock of your life. In the crisis mode, balancing this understanding while feeling unstable and having compassion is difficult.

In the freak-out, it feels as if your reality, your marriage – the thing you believed in and did every day – never really existed. As you search for blame, you feel like you lived a fantasy in a house of cards. So duped, used, unbelievably naive, you will thrash about.

The feelings of being foolish or stupid, and overcome with anger can easily frighten you to your core. You grapple about looking for a reality check because you will go over and over and over the details of your marriage. Unfortunately, in the crisis mode, you will review every conversation, every moment, every voice message, and every email until you figure out the lies. Then you will catalog the disrespect, the lack of love all in order to become steady on your feet.

In the crisis mode, understand you will search for information to blame.

Even though you won’t want to feel the hurt, the anger, loss, panic, and the tears, you will. You really can’t deal with being this wobbly. You’re not in any shape to face the future, never mind being positive and tethered to optimism or experiencing joy. So give yourself a break.

Knowing this, you’re going to feel weak, and unable to get out of bed in the morning. However, you may also experience the opposite, determined to hold it together with a framework of work and family duties. Some people waffle between the two while throwing in a few dates, lots of sex and anything that helps to numb out. Any of these reactions are common and you’re not alone.

Your armor will get thick. You stop trusting everyone – you’ll look around for spies, start using cash, worry that your email is being hacked. Every time you go out, you’ll wonder if there’s a PI behind you. You’ll question if your friends are still your friends. You’ll assume every professional from an attorney to your doctor to your kids’ teachers knew something you didn’t.

In the crisis mode, you’ll assume everyone is fabricating tales including me. This is the worst part of this part of the separation and breakup of your marriage. It’s a very lonely place because, in your pain and shame, you will pull in and hide from others who you think are judging, judging, judging.

Here too, in the crisis mode, you simply need an answer, anything tangible in order to piece the future together.

Find safe ground, there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s just that your marriage is over. You may also have work to do, even lots of work. Or you may have to parent or learn a few skills and change some habits. But no matter how difficult this crisis mode is, your life is just beginning.

In fear and resentment, this is incredibly hard to hear. In the crisis mode after a marriage, you’re also not the only one whose life was a mirage. That’s why I’m optimistic and bold and champion your courage. This is simply a period of time and you need it.

Despite the pain, you’ll take the steps necessary to make the torment and the panic go away. In so doing, the aching goes away and you will begin to get better and grow. The heartache and dread and the awareness of the crisis mode have to come first. It’s part of what’s going on. You have to see the truth.