Life Post-Divorce

3 Tips For Coping With Loneliness And Depression After A Divorce

September 27, 2017

Divorce brings with it this myriad array of feelings. Everything from joy, bliss, and relief to sadness, grief, and loneliness. For a person stuck in the frustrating negotiations and fighting, the last thing you expect is dealing with depression after a divorce sometime in the future. It simply doesn’t make any sense. Here are 3 tips for coping with loneliness and depression after a divorce to help ease the transition.

Divorce is going to change you for the better if you let it.

Having been through this process more than once, I know most people have no idea what to expect from the entire experience. A divorce is going to change you completely (if you let it) and help you become a better person (if you let it). But before all that occurs, you’re going to be feeling feelings. Lots of them including, depression and loneliness.

The difference between those wallowing in despair while dealing with a divorce and those able to cope with the vicissitudes of the process is understanding that you’re a human being capable of feeling lots of feelings. The healing requires an intellectual understanding of what to expect. As well as the emotional maturation that comes with the going through it part.

Depression and loneliness typically come after the fighting and negotiations are completed. It’s what happens when you’re left alone without the courtship, the marriage, and the fighting. Sometimes it creeps in with a new, failed relationship or the loss of a job you wanted. Depression occurs when you least expect it. It shows up often down the road when it doesn’t seem to be tied to the breakup or the stress of separation.

Here are 3 tips for coping with loneliness and depression after a divorce.

Expect to feel a whole range of negative feelings you may not have felt in a long time (if ever).

These feelings are going to sneak up on you. Usually, when your children are with their other parent. It may occur when you’re seriously disappointed like being passed over by a date you were excited to meet. Perhaps you’re alone for the holidays. These are the moments that easily bring a person down under the best of circumstances never mind after a monumental loss.

Depression comes when you’re confused by what emotions to feel and which to express. It can bring you so low, you won’t want to do anything. You know that. The problem is that unless you’re clinically depressed (in which case please see your doctor) you won’t realize that you actually have to feel those feelings you’re trying to avoid before the depression will lift and go away.

What does that look like?

Crying.
Or laughing at the absurdity of your life circumstances and the difficult challenges ahead of you.
Grieving the loss of your so-called perfect marriage.
Cringing at the idea of the amount of courage you’re going to need in order to rise to the occasion and develop resilience and fortitude for your new life.

If you’re one of those people who’d rather pour a drink of Scotch or smoke a cigarette or roll a blunt before you shed a few tears, that depression, loneliness, and lethargy are going to linger a lot longer than you’d like.

In the past, you may have used sex and women to cope with loneliness and depression.

Or the thrill of a promotion at work to fuel your lighthearted self. But during and after a divorce, energy is brittle and the thrill of the chase isn’t so alluring. After all, that chase led you down the path of unhappiness. Your guard will be up. You’ll have a ton on your mind. Being wary is the appropriate response to what you’ve been through. However, not expressing your feelings is not.

Find yourself a safe place to just be human.

Movies are a great escape, usually quite dark and no one cares if you cry during a sad scene. So go to them. Often if necessary! Or take yourself someplace beautiful that was once a romantic place you both liked. By retracing your history, you get to rewrite your memories and reclaim the landmarks of your past. (News Flash: you will surely feel sad but you’ll also feel empowered.)

Other people won’t be able to understand why you’re feeling down.

Especially if you were the one who wanted the divorce. Or if you were the one who complained all the time about your ex-spouse. Despite wanting to, your friends and family really have no idea of what happened. They may get baffled by your tears or your sour disposition. They may wonder why you’re not out dating or interested in meeting someone new.

That’s okay. In reality, the gossiping and complaining never really served you. Those habits keep you stuck. It’s best your friends and family don’t get it and that perhaps, you’re staying by yourself more as a result. It’s okay they can’t deal with your tears or moodiness. The less you vent about what happened, the better it is for your overall health.

Use friends and family to keep you busy and happy.

Do things that you all enjoy and make sure you stay focused on the activities in front of you. If you’re at the beach, be at the beach. If you’re at a birthday party, be at the party. Being active and involved will keep your mind from wandering and will help you feel good overall. It’s called being in the present.

No amount of sex (or drugs or alcohol) is going to keep you from eventually grieving the loss of your marriage.

Everyone and I do mean everyone, goes through a period shortly after their separation when then “misbehave.” They have sex like rabbits. They get blasted for a few weeks in a row. They go back to using the way they did in college. Just know and expect that. None of it seems serious or dangerous until you can’t stop. So, if drugs and alcohol cause you trouble, I advise you to stay away from those triggers.

However, sex is what will most likely draw you out to be social, especially after fighting with your spouse. You will look for beautiful people. Have sex with strangers. Let down your STI guard and truly, have the best sex of your life. You will feel on top of the world. If you’re with many lovers, know your performance will be stellar. If you’re with one, you’ll believe your new lover is your perfect soulmate and you’ll brag about how good you’re doing. Despite the negotiation and fighting. All your friends will be jealous.

Please do not expect them to become your future soulmate.

Despite knowing the words in this article can’t compete with the feelings you get when you’re with them, I promise you’re simply setting yourself up for a bigger fall when this new relationship falls apart. And it will. And then you’ll again, be left with you dealing with you.

Finding good sex after that (that post-marriage-during-divorce-sex) is tough to do. It’s going to take some time before anyone can measure up to the heat and intensity of that first series of lovers. You’ll feel rejected and unsatisfied. Those feelings will initiate a kind of depression and you’ll begin to question what the past few years were all about.

It’s time to deal with your stuff.

In order to cope with depression after a divorce, you need to realize that any amount of self-pity will be wasted energy. Depression is your come to Jesus moment. It’s the time to take a good look in the mirror and assess the damage the past years have done on your life. You must decide to find a teacher, a mentor and commit to learning how to do things differently.

You’re worthy of a happy marriage, great sex, and a group of friends who adore you.

You’re also responsible for making that happen. Without that kind of personal commitment, nothing and no one can fill the emptiness you’re feeling. That depressive feeling after your breakup is your wake-up call. I hope it brings you to your knees. I want it to drive you to seek competent help. It should shake you to your core and ask you to rise above the fighting and bickering to become a better person. There is no shame in depression or loneliness, and no shame in feeling feelings. You’re human after all. Perfectly, imperfect in your humanity so use these tips for coping with depression and any other overwhelming feelings.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of The Better Divorce and doingDivorce™ School – online coaching programs for those ready to shed the pain of breakups. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com

What Dating After Divorce For A Man is REALLY Like

September 19, 2017

Dating after divorce for a man comes with this romantic notion that there are millions of women just waiting for him, the stud-man. Many newly single men think they’ll be the one to sweep women off their feet, make passionate love, and answer all their feminine needs. Yeah, right! Just the other day, the message from a male client was… “I had a horrible first date yesterday. Just a nightmare.” Of course, it was. Stuck in your unfulfilling, possibly sexless marriage, you dreamt of getting out. But despite the fantasies, you have no idea what dating after divorce for men is really like.

Even when the man in the partnership cheats or emotionally leaves the marriage first, most men find dating after a divorce a complex and difficult experience. There’s some truth to the wisdom that having such a plethora of women to select from is too many. Which online dating offers both sexes. Online dating, unfortunately, adds to the inability to commit or to find pleasure with the woman across the table from you on a date.

After a divorce, some men are equally as scarred and scared as many women.

My female clients see this all the time. They experience first-hand the broken spirit of a guy or two leaving a marriage (no matter who was at fault or who called it quits first). It’s difficult for women to connect with this beaten down demeanor. Most guys are unsure of what to reveal. Or they wonder how much pain to admit to. A lot of men mistakenly take it personally if a woman won’t sleep with him on the first date. He regretfully turns her need for safety or a slower pace into a personal rejection.

A broken heart is a broken heart.

Dating is hard for most men after a divorce. It isn’t just that guys don’t want to admit they’re in pain too, which would be an authentic truth, it’s that they’ve lost track of the self-confidence (not machismo bravado) that’s required to woo a woman to fall in love with them in the first place. Even though most men want a woman in their arms, any woman capable of healing a hurt man needs to know how to heal him. To begin with, she needs to know her place in the dynamic. She also needs to be able to be his lover, not his mom. Her needs are important too. He has to be able to trust her enough to let her in and she has to know what she’s doing to help.

The fact is, most guys aren’t really ready for love in the state they’re in right after a divorce.

“Welcome to the human race!” You’re designed to feel feelings. No amount of cigarette smoking, pot using, drinking or drugs is going to numb the pain of your divorce for as long as you need it to. At a certain point, the truth will come out. So let’s start speaking straight here.

Dating after divorce for a man is really tough.

Yes, transactional sex with any number of beautiful people is available nearly any day of the week. You can enjoy sex in all its guises, paid and unpaid, in groups, alone, in public, in private. In truth, at any moment your body’s needs to can be met.

And if you wish to argue with me that that’s not who you are, that’s okay with me too. I don’t need you to prove to me that you’re a man of character. What I know about you is that you’re also deeply wounded and really and truly need time to heal.

If you’re dating right after a breakup or during your divorce, sorry, you’re setting yourself for a nightmare experience (orgasm or not).

The life that you lived while being married and the man you are right after your separation isn’t really healthy enough for the kind of relationship you’re too frightened to admit to wanting. On a certain level, we all want to be listened to and seen. But your pain, anger, frustration, and fears permeate who you are. Pain, anger, frustration, and fears permeate every divorced woman’s heart and mind too, never mind all those single, young, beautiful women you think you want to be with.

We are all dealing with inner conflict and fears.

Even so, I challenge you to become the great guy you know you can be. Make your dating life exactly the way you imagine it… do you want to be seen as kind, smart, successful, and wise? Become that man. And if you desire to be more handsome, sexy and a great lover, make sure you’re caring for your body. If you are the handyman who can hold her, handle everything she asks for, and be her hero? Awesome! Go become that man and you’re right… women will be at your beck and call!

And though I know you’re already a great guy (with a broken heart) and though I know you can be an awesome, satisfying lover, what you’ve got to show a woman is that you can put her needs above yours. And in truth, that’s probably not the fact right after a separation.

Right now your broken heart and confused mind need mending.

Right now, there’s a lot to figure out. Dealing with attorneys and learning how to be a single dad can be exasperating. Co-parenting with the person you don’t want to talk to is infuriating. Living on your own again isn’t quite as simple a transition as you once thought it might be. Typically you’re still worried about your financial future. The gossip and drama blow up your phone.

What’s really going on?

How’s that new apartment feeling… is it homey enough yet? How’s the eating going, have you had to bone up on your cooking skills? Or are you spending a ton of money eating out? How much weight do you need to lose to find your six-pack? What about your health? Drinking more than usual? Using again?

Take a good hard look in the mirror and ask yourself, “How’s it going, big guy? Is she going to be able to see me and all I’ve got to offer at this moment?” Unfortunately, if the answer is somewhere between “No and Maybe” you’ve got some work to do.

What are you waiting for?

A healthy, happy, delighted woman who’ll let you live your own individual life wants you to be healthy. Even if she’s there as a monogamous lover, a friend, and a muse, she needs you to be healthy enough to fall in love with. Anything short of that and she’ll be afraid to commit and to go deep.

Healthy women have a tough time trusting men in divorce… too many red flags are waving in between you and their dinner plate.

They’ve got you under a microscope and are plugged into their judgment more than their hearts or their pussies… again tough to write but very true. You had better realize that now before you waste more money on taking that cutie out for dinner. I mean, transactional sex goes both ways so you might just get lucky, but don’t expect her to want to hang around too much after she gives it away. (And if she does… be careful!)

It’s time to prove your dates wrong.

It’s time to admit that you need some new tools and a few new lessons. If you’ve read this far you know I care deeply about guys in general, not just you. But listen up… you want a healthy woman not the same kind of woman you were just married to. Nor the one who cheated on you, or the one you had to cheat on to implode the marriage. You don’t want another woman who’s using and running away from being in your life. If you want to date, you need to get what dating after divorce really is.

Dating is a chance to start anew. To re-rack and learn how to be the kind of man you’ve always dreamed of becoming. Is this a tall order? You bet!

Is it required of you? All day long!

What about asking some questions and figure out the answers you need? (News Flash: these are probably not the answers you’ve been getting from your best friend or the bartender down the street.) I recommend you get a totally new perspective. Learn to understand what masculine and feminine energy are… not genitalia! So that you can feel good about your role as a dad, a husband, a lover, and a friend. In reality, you can’t mix up your needy sexual energy and your leadership or managerial skills at work (just watch the daily news to see how well that’s going these days). And over time, you’ll probably have to disentangle your sexual prowess and your financial wins from any measure of character and self-worth.

Dating after a divorce becomes a place for you to practice being the kind of man you’ve always wanted to be.

(The kind of guy you think you really are deep down inside.) However, you need to know how to become that man, to begin with. So seek some guidance. Enter into self-development (not just self-awareness). You’ve got to take what you know you did wrong, figure out new ways of doing things, and then become fit at showing up that way.

It’s emotional fitness and intellectual understanding.

Not just the newest insight you have on how to date well. In other words, if you read an article that says, “a good woman won’t sleep with you on date #1” you might want to figure out her point of view and why that’s important instead of just a blanket expectation that you might have to KIIP (keep it in your pants) even though you’d like to use it. Are you with me? It is waaaaaaaaay more about male-female dynamics than it is about having an orgasm.

You just might want to learn what that’s all about and become the kind of man who can show up putting a woman’s needs first. No matter how badly you’ve been hurt by the woman you just left. In fact, it might actually change the trajectory of your dating life. Actually, realizing that is the first thing you need to get to make your dating life exceptional. Then you’ll be able to show up as the one to sweep her off her feet, make passionate love to her, and answer all her feminine desires. Leave a comment below…

Being a Divorced, Single Mom After A Breakup Or A Separation

September 6, 2017

I have the sense that you didn’t plan on being a divorced, single mom when you got married. You probably didn’t plan to raise your kids by yourself without a man until they became young adults either. I know that I didn’t. I never wanted to be a single mom never mind a divorced, single mom. But sometimes God laughs while we’re making plans and the struggles you’re facing as a divorced, single mom are real. They’re also exhausting and you’re often at your wit’s end. How you deal with some of the biggest struggles that come with being a divorced, single mom, will determine the quality of your experience and what you get to teach your kids.

Being a divorced, single mom after a separation or a divorce is a wild ride!

Buckle up… you’re going to be dealing with a lot of stuff. I don’t know of one single, divorced mom who doesn’t complain about parenting by herself. It’s difficult. You have a hard time finding time for yourself. (Unless you lock the bathroom door while you sit and read your IG account.) Your children may need more attention because of all the changes. Yet at the same time, they’re pushing your buttons and testing you. And the work, just to keep your home together (never mind clean or organized) never seems to end.

Layer on top of that the stress of your separation and being a divorced, single mom is a lot of work.

Most single moms need to work or to go back to work. They struggle to find affordable childcare. The hard part is managing the co-parenting schedule and disciplining your kids… being both the mother and the father. The struggle is keeping everything together and functioning. With nonstop pressure, it’s tough for most single moms to not end up on anti-depressants just to get through their days. So what’s a single mom, never mind a divorced, single mom to do?

Pull up your big girl pants. That struggle is yours to tackle.

No matter how many kids you have (News Flash: my mom had 6 kids when she got divorced… ) You get to figure out how to manage on your own for however many years you’ve got left. This is a big win for single moms after the fights, the arguments, and the disagreements with your children’s father. You’re the one who gets to recreate your family dynamics. The rules, the guidelines, the dinner menu, and the weekend plans are yours to create.

You can’t stay in negativity and fear and be a good single parent.

If you complain too loudly and commiserate with your friends you will stay in the overwhelm. When you yell at your ex or moan to teachers and the attorneys or your therapist you can create more trouble for yourself than you want. You don’t want to risk losing your children but more importantly, you’ll simply remain stuck in the overwhelm and fear. The two aren’t a great combination.

As a single mom, you’ve got natural talents – a brain that is designed to multitask and a team at your fingertips.

This is when single moms find out just how strong they really are. You get to teach your children how to help you manage your home. My mom needed our help with the cleaning. We may not have been perfect… when my 3 maiden aunts would visit unannounced, one or two of us were sent to meet them in the yard then show them a garden or two while the rest of us literally (I am not making this up) swept the dust and dirt under the rugs! It was all hands on deck! And we did it. Helping out at home is good for everyone.

You may not feel as if you can handle being a divorced, single mom but you’re showing your kids how to be responsible.

Since most children don’t like cleaning their own room never mind a house with their mom instead of playing outside, you’re giving your kids a chance to dream big. Sure, I also got divorced but my kids and are our own team. Together, we worked together to care for our things. We talk about the important stuff. And we also make our own rules (together) and when I have to, I say “No” and they know I mean it. They understand what it means to make something of themselves. Because together, we made a life independent of the family we all thought we had.

When you’re a single mom who gets up and figures it out, you’re inspiring your children to go for what they want.

I’m not saying there won’t be mistakes. But the mistakes will bring you closer together. You’ll create your own understandings. Whether you initiated the separation or not, you got out from a situation that wasn’t going to continue serving you. There’s a lot to be proud of! As a result, your children will feel that pride, even when they’re scared or confused.

Will you be scared to become a divorced, single mom?

Most definitely. Especially at first. Navigating that first year or two when you’d rather be with a man or out finding a husband, you’ll be steeped in fear and confusion. It’s not the time to share your deepest needs with your kids. It is, however, time to teach your kids how to respect and admire women. This is the time for you to get to know who they’re becoming. Instead of depending upon a guy to distract you from your anxiety.

BTW: your children are completely aware of what’s going on. They may not be able to articulate everything they’re witnessing or be able to converse with you (and that’s not their role). But trust that they know. Your job is to parent them. Not to lean on them for your emotional needs. And definitely not to scare them with your unbridled fears. When they’re afraid, find a way to assure them you’ll figure it all out together.

When you get tired of being a single mom:

This is the time to learn how to take a break. You lock that bathroom door for a minute. Or you let them climb into bed with you when they can’t sleep. When you need to socialize, you let their father have them for the weekend (and not complain he’s messing things up… )

You cope with being a single mom by planning time to rest and to relax.

The hardest thing about taking time for yourself is FOMO… the fear of missing out! As a single mom, you may think if you step away from the pace of your divorce or the latest message tirade from your ex you’ll miss out on a big decision. If you avoid the school gossip or your kids’ sports program, you’ll be seen as a horrible mother or an anti-social, uncaring woman who doesn’t want her kids to get into a good college. Can we all just take a breath?!

The transition is going to take some time and you can go through it with Option A: some semblance of calm or Option B: constantly being riddled with cortisol and adrenaline. (News Flash: I don’t recommend option B.)

Most moms (never mind single or divorced moms) have a tough time taking care of themselves.

But there’s so much at risk if you don’t! We now know how important sleep is for our health. You’re really going to need to relax. You need exercise and you need a good laugh. You may also need a good cry sometimes. On occasion, you simply need to turn off the fighting and watch the Hallmark Channel and let the fight go for a while. Trust that the fight will take as long as it does.

During a separation or a divorce, one way to smile is to take a break and care for yourself.

So please do so. Your kids want to see you smiling! Ask for some help super mom… enroll your kids in doing yoga or meditation with you. Try to get on bicycles together. Or visit a park and walk under the trees. Turn on the TV and watch a movie that’ll make you all laugh.

You may experience some resistance to relaxing and caring for yourself. It’s pretty normal to resist taking care of yourself as a single mom. But it’s also crucial despite how scary or sad you may be. You’re going to want to manage the stress on your mind, body, and spirit in order to parent well. You don’t want to burn out because then it’ll affect your relationship with your kids. So take care of yourself!

How To Know When To Begin Dating After Divorce Or A Breakup

August 15, 2017

How to know when to begin dating after divorce or a breakup seems oh-so-confusing! Going on that first date after (or during) your divorce is going to be a combination of excitement and nerves. Here it’s assumed you haven’t been on a date in a long time and you’re out of practice. But that you want to date or you’re horny, and unsure of new people despite the excitement of it all. Knowing when to begin dating after divorce or a breakup is a valid question to ask and the answers are unique to every person.

Have some fun when you begin dating after divorce!

Dating is all about kindness, consideration, and simply getting to know a new person. And it should be all that and more. There’s no need to date someone after your divorce who can’t open a door for you or is rude to a waiter. That’s basic dating etiquette.

If you’re in the middle of your divorce and still dealing with attorneys and negotiating the parenting plan, having a little social time with someone of the opposite sex who isn’t YELLING at you will be a breath of fresh air. You’ll get to show up being your best, looking your finest, and you’ll find yourself good company to be with. You may even see them again…

If you’ve wrapped up your divorce and you think, “it’s time to find a relationship…” beware: your healing is just beginning.

You don’t know what’s going to happen moving forward. Okay, sure, you like yourself the way you are – (I love that) – but have you shed the fight? Are you over the daily antagonism? Or the feelings of shame? You’re going to want to heal those broken parts before you decide to pair up with someone new. Chances are, if they like you the way you are, you’ll never heal. Those broken parts need to heal so that you can grow (and not have another divorce in your future). Let me explain…

There has to have been a reason for your divorce.

During the separation and for a bit of time after you get your decree, your mind, body, and spirit are in transition. (Let them be in transition.) Think of it as attending your own personal divorce school: You’re starting over. You get to figure out who you are now, so you can be proud of yourself again and get things right.

Take time to ground yourself and connect to some inner work before starting that long-term relationship.

Exhaustion sets in after a long-drawn-out fight. You may be reworking your relationships with your kids and setting up a new home. These things take real time. A new relationship also requires real time and energy. The energy that you don’t really have.

Should you begin dating after divorce, you’ll show up inauthentic. Your dates will see, sleep with, even live with a hologram of who you really are. Not the real you – the real you has been caught up in fighting and wrapping up the past. Instead, you’ll be doing that dating dance showing of the image of you that you want them to see.

If they fall in love with the image of you, it’s harder to show them who you really are.

Or they’ll get tired of dating you. The worse part of getting into a new long-term relationship too fast is that you’ll never be able to figure out why you went through your divorce, to begin with. (And no matter what you think, it’s never just because they had an affair).

If you’re dating a friend who’s been a part of the fight and has been your cheerleader during the entire divorce, that’ll also keep you stuck. The fight now involves at least 3 people… you, your ex, and your new lover. What a mess! How much fun is it to enroll another person in your past drama? This sort of relationship becomes a – sorry – cluster f-ck! After a bit of time, no one would want to be a part of that dynamic and couples like this that stay together, end up even worse off.

You have permission not to rush into a long-term relationship.

A lot of women by and large take a bit longer than men to heal after divorce so for this moment, I’m going to give a pep talk to guys.

Guys, you’re allowed to sloooooooow down! Date and to have fun. You do not need to commit or to move in or to enroll or to propose or to impregnate or to do anything you’re not ready or wanting to do when you become divorced. However, you do have to explain yourself in full sentences because women get confused.

Explain where you are emotionally when you begin dating after divorce.

In full sentences, like this: “I’m only interested in dating. I’m ready to have sex but I do not want a relationship even if I sleep with you.” I assure you – you will have sex, you will marry in the future if you wish. Men or women will like you and you will have someone in your bed, your kitchen or on your arm when you’re good and ready. Women need to understand your intentions.

They also need you healthy. Women need you to shed the anger, the frustration and to know where you’re going. Healthy women need you to be emotionally available. Not just dinner available or weekend away available either.

Women need you healthy enough to make love to them. Not use them to escape your past.

Your healing is for real. Your heart and your mindset and your soul need some TLC. Those dudes who just date and have sex, and vacation or move in with their latest girlfriend, break a lot of hearts! Don’t be a man who says one thing and does another. (Ladies, this is your advice!)

Newly divorced men need understanding and compassion but they’re not emotionally available until they do some healing.

Should they profess their love for you, you’re going to get confused. Because without doing their personal growth work – that very, seemingly, unmanly thing called healing – it’ll be tough for them to be able to make you happy. It would be best to keep yourself prepared and ready for him to bolt. It’s not his fault per se, it’s just the healing time of divorce. And unless you’ve given up on being fulfilled – sexually, romantically fulfilled – you’ll want to help him take it slow! So when it comes to knowing when to begin dating after divorce, it’s true: you can date at any time!

But the best time to date is when you know why your divorce happened to you and to be on the path to your new future!

You have to figure out why your marriage fell apart. What you did to contribute to that breakdown. What you need to do differently going forward so you don’t repeat the patterns. Figure out how you wanted to show up but couldn’t, and how you will show up (no matter what) in the future. Asking yourself, “What does being a good guy or a great woman look like to me?” And make that happen.

No amount of dating or sex is going to help you figure out your inner healing.

You’ll know you’re ready to date after divorce when

the old habits are gone
you’re not triggered by your ex
you’re excited about the morning
you’ve got new friends
you’ve shed the excess weight, stuff, baggage, fighting
you’re curious about doing new things
you’re interested in learning new things – especially things about new people. (People you have the energy to get to know.)

That’s when you’re ready to really begin dating after divorce. When your fight is over and your new life has begun.

Now I get a lot of push back from people who want rules around dating. I don’t abide across the board by rules except for giving yourself time to heal (whatever that is for you). Your life, your values, your fight are different than others. Everyone has their own healing to do.

How To Get Over A Break Up From A Long-Term Relationship

July 12, 2017

A long-term relationship means so much to us. We like making decisions with the big picture in mind. There is comfort in pairing up with others (usually a lover) and considering the time ahead with a view to long-term objectives or consequences. We’re wired to partner up, marry, and find safety in being a couple. Our culture and our physiology make it feel right to be with one partner for the long haul. Especially when we want children. When a long-term relationship ends, it’s almost impossible to forget about the person who’s hurt your heart. And a legal separation and fight won’t make it any easier. It hurts!

Sometimes, however, that long-term relationship view feels suffocating.

It has to end. The last thing you may want is to sit across from that person you call your spouse for another evening. Especially as a relationship is ending or a marriage is falling apart. The decisions you have to make become more complicated and it’s not easy to commit to something sometime in the future never mind tomorrow.

When that happens, everyone feels the tension. And if the long-term relationship ends, there’s a momentary relief. You start to think you’ll be fine not sleeping in their bed one more night. But still, it’s tough to quiet the mind and face the future on your own. You don’t quite know where to go to avoid the pain.

Getting over a long-term relationship whips us about emotionally.

Every decision feels off. With divorce, so much is riding on understanding the legal choices being made. Either way, your chest might hurt right where your heart is – there’s this literal pain that catches you by surprise. At times, you may wonder why you’re always overwhelmed or getting sick. Then fear may take hold and the things that normally are easy may feel overwhelming. You may feel out of touch with the sort of things you do each day.

Navigate this period of time with a degree of understanding by learning to respect this modern-day rite of passage.

Separation makes us face our human frailties. Despite wanting to be, we are not invincible and we are not immune to feelings of loss and grief. No matter what kind of job you might do for a living and how many tattoos you may be sporting. No matter how tough you may perceive yourself, losing love hurts!

We also have a memory that stores all the information we need to function going forward. This includes knowing what we want and don’t want. If someone’s harmed your heart in the past, given the way we’re wired, your innate need to stay safe is going to remind you of what you don’t want going forward.

We don’t like the feelings that come with heartbreak and we don’t like continually thinking about the other person.

If you’re thinking about the person you just left trying to understand what happened, and want to stop doing so, you misunderstand what it means to be human. Our brains can’t rewire automatically. It also doesn’t matter if you were the one who initiated the breakup. The struggle to forget about things and deal with the heartache takes time.

You have many opportunities as you get over your long-term relationship.

To take back control of your thoughts begin to slow down. Learning how to set time aside to grieve and to process isn’t easy at first. But when you do, you get to think about what you want going forward. And learn how to take care of yourself. This is a little bit about becoming selfish.

After a long-term relationship ends, you have the time to grow.

You get to rise above your own fragility and learn to protect your heart with clear boundaries. As you manage your thoughts and emotions, you will become calmer and more present the same way you do when you’re working or parenting. If you need help, you learn to reach out for it knowing it’s a sign of strength and not a weakness to be vulnerable. Unfortunately, if you don’t take the time to feel the feelings and set aside time for self-care, you’ll continue to suffer. No one wants to repeat the same relationship patterns going forward.

You deserve to understand what’s really going on after a long-term relationship ends.

These are universal experiences and are what makes the world tick. Don’t worry, we have all done crazy things for love and for long-term relationships. As you look around at the men and women nearby and spend some time figuring out what you really want, your life will be easier. (Thanks for starting here.)