Heartache

The Unexpected Way To Get The Love You Want

August 28, 2019

Woman kissing a man by leaning over him is looking for love in a new relationship.

My clients want love. Usually, I get them right after the heartbreak and loss. Often it’s because of a divorce or a breakup with a significant relationship. They’re hurt, depressed, and a bit lost turning to new relationships as soon as possible. What usually happens is that new relationships end, causing more hurt. But there is an unexpected way to get the love you want and it just might surprise you!

Old habits die hard. They’re the kind of habits that caused the heartbreak to begin with. So when you’re about to jump into a new relationship, even while healing from a breakup, you may need to think twice about what you’re doing.

Build in time to re-rack, re-learn, and practice waiting for love to come to you instead of chasing it.

This is a daily practice. I know, you think everyone has these overnight sensational stories about finding love quickly and jumping into a new marriage. It happens, but the success rates vary and . These stories set you up for more pain as well so avoid them as much as possible.

Stop chasing those who do not return love.

When we glom onto new lovers expecting them to fulfill our joy and solve our lives, we set ourselves up for heart ache. I know, I’ve been there! Instead, consider finding your own joy, navigating your own day without using someone else. That’s when everything turns around and love is on the horizon again. As you put your life together again without someone else, self-confidence, hope, and optimism get put back on the table. Magic can then return to daily life.

After an important breakup, it’s worthwhile to stop and regroup.

Sure, sex is fun and lovers are important but so is your state of mind. When you start to prioritize your life and your spirit, you’ll find others gravitating towards you. Wanting you. Chasing you. Then you can decide, are they worthy to let in? After all, your life will be pretty good and they’d have to add rather than hurt you in the process.

So take care of yourself first and stop chasing those who don’t want to love you back. Let them go. You’re worth having someone want you too.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker, and advisor to those ready to move their lives forward. For empowering and practical ways to begin anew whether personally or professionally, set up a call here.

Adjusting To Being A Single Dad When You Are Miserable (And Missing Your Ex)

May 10, 2018

Sometimes it doesn’t matter who wanted out. Adjusting to being a single dad when you are miserable (and missing your ex) is tough. There’s this enormous amount of pressure from kids and frankly, from yourself, to do things the way their mom did. However, way too often, no matter how much you try, your kids still find a way to criticize the efforts you’re making. Which is why adjusting to being a single dad can be particularly lonely and isolating. Nothing seems to go right and it’s tough to reach out for help and to get the right kind of support needed to smooth out this period of time.

Kids have a way of scrutinizing the best of parents.

It’s not that they don’t want you to succeed, they simply see the struggle, the differences, and zero in on your lack of confidence. They, like, you, aren’t comfortable with all the changes in the family and lifestyle. They can’t grasp heartache to the extent you can. They’re also not well-equipped with a sense of compassion or an understanding of the amount of effort you’re making to get their lives running smoothly in the right direction.

The task in front of you is real. How to adjust to being a single dad and manage the emotions coursing through you? That ex, no matter what happened, also was a familiar presence in your home. She didn’t leave just to make your life miserable (even when she did). In the big picture of things, she left so that you could figure out how to step into your independence. The gifts? A chance to grow. An opening for a re-do halfway through your life. An opportunity to build a new relationship with your kids dependent upon what you and they want. No mothers allowed!

In the midst of the changes are the feelings.

It’s frustrating to be angry and miserable at the same time. It can be confusing to be missing someone who wanted to leave or who made your life difficult. And it’s confounding to still be physically attracted to someone who just blew up your home.

Many men even argue they don’t miss her and don’t want her back. But yet, they begin searching for a new lover long before they’re emotionally healed or ready to give wholeheartedly to a healthy partner. So I argue, covering up that hurt, shame, and loneliness with a new girl on your arm only makes matters worse, not better. The confusion of conflicting emotions just doesn’t make adjusting to being a single dad any easier.

A bad marriage rips apart parents’ roles. Moms trash dads and dads become super insecure and defensive. I see this over and over again. As a mom, I wasn’t able to support my own children’s father either as he forged ahead to create a new lifestyle with my kids. A life without me. No matter what he thought or felt about me, adjusting to being a single dad was difficult and confusing to him and to my kids. I know, because my kids told me.

However miserable adjusting to being a single dad when you are missing your ex is, it gives you a real chance to change the course of your future.

It sets you up to get in touch with feelings you’ve probably shoved down with food, alcohol, cigarettes, and sex (sometimes for years). It allows you to home in on the parts of you that are undeveloped and needing some maturing up.

This looks like showing up for your kids as the kind of adult you want them to become. Teaching them how to develop resilience in the face of fear or disappointments. Being there for them when they need a compassionate, warm, and strong presence even when you don’t feel up to it. Reminding them that you’ve got this and together, that you’ll figure things out whether you believe you will or not.

Sure, this appears immense in the face of loss. It’s difficult when you’re missing her and they’re crying for their mom as you’re trying to put them to bed on the nights you have them. It’s awful when you go to pick them up on your weekend but the kids don’t want to come with you or they hang up on you when you call to check in.

I remember being that child.

I recall how my poor dad just seemed to shrink in the face of my tears and how he lost the words to comfort me. This is a normal experience for divorced parents and it’s tough to bear witness to your child’s pain. However, it also provides you a chance to create a different relationship with your kids. To help them bond with you by being there for them in the role of being their parent no matter how you feel inside.

In fact, these feelings inside now have a chance to be expressed. Modeling how you express them allows your child a healthy example of vulnerability. By acknowledging the pain, by expressing your own confusion but delivering the words with age-appropriate statements, you as the single dad, are showing your kids how to handle life’s difficulties.

Separation and divorce bring immense changes into everyone’s life.

It’s not easy to ride out the tough moments without losing it a bit. And lose it a bit you probably should though in a safe space and at the right time. (Instead of hiding behind the pack of cigarettes or another beer.) Some people write others compose, still, others learn to channel their feelings into exercise or something creative in the kitchen.

I find it exciting when the dads I coach teach their kids family traditions. Or when they bond over their mutual enjoyment of rides or activities and hobbies.

All of these emotional experiences are normal and natural. They make sense only in the context of this modern-day rite of passage. How else are you, a single dad, going to forge ahead and make your home life happy without her? How are you going to grieve so you can forgive? Let go so you can have what you’ve always wanted? Figure things out so you can earn back your self-esteem, your self-respect? Never mind let go enough to have an open heart?

If I could leave you with one piece of advice, it would be this: know that you and your children will manage and even thrive if you allow the roller coaster of emotions to go through you without shaming or blaming. As you begin adjusting to being a single dad when you are miserable and missing your ex, you begin your healing from the loss of your family. This is an important and vital step in the experience.

If you find yourself at a loss sometimes, you may want to consider getting my daily inspiration emails. I fill them with hope, inspiration, and perspective. I do my best to help those navigating this rite of passage with more grace and confidence.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

Does The Thought Of Your Ex Fill You With Rage? 9 Empowering Ways To Deal With Anger & Move On

February 27, 2018

I’m a big fan of anger. I like how it feels as it moves through my body. There’s that adrenaline rush, the momentum, the feelings of power and invincibility. I like all I’m able to accomplish when my anger is focused and directed toward a greater good. But I also know the toll it takes on me. How coming off anger or in this case, rage occurred only when I was good and ready. It was much harder than I like to admit. Does the thought of your ex fill you with rage? Here are 9 empowering ways to deal with anger and move on.

The feelings of anger and rage.

When I experienced this sort of intensity toward the man I once called my best friend and lover, it was an upsetting and confusing time. Here I was, caught up in something I loved feeling while being made useless by the after-effects of the high. Does the thought of your ex fill you with rage? I’ve got your back!

Perspective: here are 9 empowering ways to deal with anger and move on.

Coping with divorce is difficult enough without the heightened betrayal, broken promises, forgotten agreements and unspoken expectations. I hold myself to a high standard, I show up in integrity so when I find myself at the effects of others’ stuff in any part of my life, I have little room for frustration and can easily lose it.

Remembering that every partnership requires spoken and unspoken agreements applies to marriages and being lovers. When trust is broken and you can no longer believe the person you once called yours, a suitable reaction is to become defensive and angry.

(News Flash: I’d like to remind you at this point in our discussion, that two people in agreement and willing to maintain their trust rarely, if ever, end things…)

So don’t expect that you’re going to be able to easily handle unexpected news during discovery or trial. When you see your lost dreams spelled out in black and white, you’re probably not going to remain serene, graceful, and generous. When you have the expectation that being pissed off and in full-blown rage is appropriate, it’ll be a lot easier for you to handle. Every fiber of your being is going to become activated to protect and defend your place in the world.

Childhood lessons: feeling your feelings.

You’ve got to feel the feelings. If you’re one of those people who was taught that experiencing anger was a bad thing, you’re going to have a tough time dealing with the intensity of the rage as you try to figure out how to get over your breakup. You’ll find yourself judging your ex, your family, God, your career, the town you live in and the choices you’ve made. The anger is going to get misplaced: into your eating or drinking habits, the way you spend money, the way you pull in and try to hide your imperfect self from your friends. There’s nothing worse than being raised with some foolish idea that anger is a bad thing.

Anger:

This feeling has created the biggest and the best. It’s won wars. Anger has pushed people out of their comfort zones. Made heroes out of men. Saved lives, rescued animals, protected the environment and unfortunately, hurt some at the same time.

You need to get to know your anger. Become friends with it. Learn to channel that rage to help you solve your problems. Want to know the details of her affair? Use your anger. Need to understand where all the money went? Anger will propel you to hire a Private Eye. Need to understand how long the drugs have been part of your marriage? Anger’s a great place to start an intervention. What about all the lies, cheating, stealing… you won’t get anywhere if you sit still and pretend you can handle the news.

Anger will propel you into action and give you permission to make courage.

But if you don’t learn how to channel it, it’ll also hurt you. Remember when you were a child and you were told (hopefully) that you could feel your feelings but not harm yourself, another person, animals or property? In other words, you could cry, scream, yell, run out in a field, get on a bicycle and ride, go to a gym, run on that treadmill, play your music loud, do sports, and basically get the energy out any which way you needed to without hurting anyone or anything?

That’s what anger allows you to do – you use it to get into action and to solve your problems!

Healing from your anger:

If you didn’t get that lesson and anger is supposed to be shoved down with food or alcohol, drugs and cigarettes then you’ve been set up for illness, disease, unhappiness, and some bad self-care habits.

Perhaps rage was a no-no and you were told never to raise your voice or step up to defend yourself against an unjust accusation, then the thought of your ex is going to be tough to deal with. It’ll haunt you as you try to move forward with your separation.

Get to know what it feels like to channel this energy:

You are so much stronger and more capable than you think! I give you permission to channel your thoughts and energy into solving your problems.

Take that fuel and use it to figure out how to get a job, start a new career, master the tech gremlins and put your pictures online or learn to live within a budget so that you’re no longer in debt or beholden to another’s fickle feelings.

When you think about your ex, plan on experiencing a variety of feelings including rage. You have to expect it’s going to go on like this for awhile. There’s blame you’re going to want to place on them. Blame, you’re going to have to take on for yourself too. Divorce doesn’t happen between two healthy people equipped with excellent communication skills and top-notch intimacy.

Divorce is inherently a betrayal problem and betrayals cause us to defend our turf.

The problems come when you’ve forgotten what it’s like to create a new life, wake up with excitement (and fear) and still get going. You’ve found yourself on the other side of negotiation and still are upset? Be wary of Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™ it’ll keep you stuck in anger for many, many years if you let it.

Control:

If you’re still in a rage over what happened, then it’s time to just stop and get still. Consider how much control you’ve ever really had. I suspect not much. Wonder how much you can control your children, never mind time, aging, the judicial system, and the law? Probably slim to none now. And how much time have you put into trying to? I mean, I can barely control my hair on any given day never mind what my kids do in school or what my ex was doing while we were married. How the heck can I expect myself to handle my future without taking a break from the overwhelming and self-righteous anger? So I did.

It’s your choice:

I chose to get over my rage because there came a time when I was sick and tired of being angry. I couldn’t handle the rush any longer. The over-stimulation. The fists clenched, and the TMJ at night. I didn’t recognize the person I had to become to negotiate my settlement, figure out how to run my home, live in NYC with two kids on my own, and create a new career halfway through my life after not working for quite some time.

It was the fuel of anger that carved out this new me.

But it also began to take its toll. I knew if I didn’t stop these feelings, that I was going to prematurely age. Something had to give and I was the only one who could make that happen. The day got better because I stopped waking up dreading it. I didn’t like how I was meeting my kids with exhaustion and fear, I didn’t like that every day felt like the one before, and I couldn’t imagine going on day after day with this same sort of dread and frustration.

What I did:

I decided to take a leap of faith and let go of trying to control everything and everyone. So, I immersed myself in the community. Took a risk to trust others again.
A decision: I was going to stop pushing myself and see what happened.
I was going to give the ex, the benefit of the doubt knowing that if push came to shove, it would fall in my lap anyway.
Chose to be pleasant. Not because anyone was deserving, but because I liked myself that way better.
I decided that if I was going to be in NYC, I had better start exploring it again.
No one is perfect. I figured that if I was going to have a future relationship with my kids, I’d better stop expecting them to show up perfect too.

It’s better for me and my life experience to have faith and to trust – to regain the very things broken by my heartache and loss.

I didn’t decide to have faith and trust because all of sudden what happened didn’t matter, I decided to take the risk because the alternative became unbearable. I will never forget. But I no longer need to define myself by that experience.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

Worried Your Ex Will Haunt You For The Rest Of Your Life? Here are 7 Ways To Fix That Problem

February 16, 2018

I passed a big milestone this week. I’ve been waiting for it to come and go, to feel the shift, to appreciate the delicate breakdown of my past. I’m so grateful it’s behind me and life can continue moving in the direction I create. It’s a disturbing feeling to be haunted by an ex. Your mind is hijacked by uncontrollable emotions. Yet all the while, you want to forget about someone you once loved. Worried your ex will haunt you? (For the rest of your life?) Here are 7 ways to fix the problem and to stop thinking about the past.

Worried your ex will haunt you? (For the rest of your life?)

Warning: I do not prescribe getting a lobotomy or numbing out with prescription or recreational drugs and alcohol even though the thoughts definitely crossed my mind many times!

Going through my past breakups, I didn’t let the trauma of ruined love hurt the sweetness I shared. But, I admit, I’ve been easily haunted (for a very long time) by certain memories. Without meaning to, I’ve fallen prey to lots of nostalgia and loneliness. So when you tell me that you wish you could just forget about them or you want to get to peace and acceptance, I get it!

Here are the best ways to fix the problem:

This is where the adage of time as a healer comes in, Especially when it comes to thinking about an ex-lover. I like that time does heal all wounds. I’m grateful that as time passed and the months and then years went by, I’ve thought less and less about the “one who got away” or the “one who hurt me the most”.

I’m a big fan of scheduling mourning – when I deliberately set aside time during the week or during the day to remember my past. Doing so allows me to shed a few tears and then shift to focus on the day at hand.

I have patience with being human and a big tolerance for the tears when they come. I’m able to recall choice moments of affection and the hope we once shared. Then I wrap it up with a good cry and let it go. I understand that I’ve been marked by a lover or two and that they hurt me on a soul level. Sometimes I wonder, who hasn’t been? I may not like it, but I get it.

Each memory etched another piece of me. I can’t reverse any of that nor can I fight with it. So I’ve decided that making peace with who I was and what I got myself into helps immensely.

I’ve developed compassion for anger and no longer look for retribution. I’m grateful I’m over wanting to play God or enact punishment. But it wasn’t easy! My role isn’t to harm another. Even when it’s tough, I no longer want to keep tabs or listen for their downfall the way my imagination so badly wanted to for way too long.

Gratitude:

I’m grateful I’ve let go of needing to know. Because in my heart of hearts (and I’m open to being wrong) I know they’ll suffer too one day. Whether or not they’re suffering and hurting now. I know because I know what they’re capable of and I remember who they are.

Being haunted by them lasted for years. As an “expert” I wish I could say you won’t be haunted or that “getting under another lover” will help you forget about the “one who got away”. Unfortunately, you will be haunted for quite some time. And unfortunately, another love simply prolongs the inevitable mourning period. It’s just the way things are.

I passed a big milestone this week.

But the passage of time matters on many levels – the milestone I passed this week celebrated the 7-years since I was last with him. Our body turns over all of its 75 + trillion cells every 7-years. I like to think of those cells equal in number to the stars in our galaxy. I no longer have a cell within me that slept with him. That is a freeing feeling!

Now when I have a memory, I do so with distance, objectivity, and wisdom. I’m no longer beholden to my hurt self-esteem, low self-worth or a broken heart. But it took some time and I needed to come face to face with that old pattern of falling for men who didn’t treat me well. I needed to heal that part of me and to make genuine love possible.

Appreciate the delicate breakdown of your past.

As you read through this personal story, I hope you feel hopeful. Your life will evolve and change. Your story gets to unfold as long as you want it to. Whether you realize it or not, you always have the possibility of letting go and finding new love. And you get to decide how much mourning you need to do.

In order to fix the problem of haunting ex’s, you also have to create courage and be willing to let go. If it doesn’t happen overnight, you’re going to have to be willing to take back your self-confidence over and over and over again. Just to be clear, I still think of him! But, I no longer let those thoughts affect me. It’s become more important over time, and as I regained my equilibrium, I’m the one to decide what makes me worthwhile and lovable – not someone else.

Being haunted by an ex is a disturbing feeling.

We know we’re supposed to be the ones to manage our thoughts. We all know we’re worthwhile and can handle when a man or woman leaves us. But in the moment of being haunted, nostalgic, lonely, and sad it’s easy to forget what we’re supposed to remember.

My advice is to get clear about what you’re up really against:

the passage of time: 7-years to change all your cells… yep, that’s a bit of time
the need for courage… to overcome the need to reach out, be afflicted by sentimentality, and nostalgia
patience… with just how tough it can be some days
compassion… for being human and having a memory
scheduled mourning time… when you’re allowed to cry and weep and definitely feel sorry for yourself
time… one day you’ll remember the story without the sadness or anger
hope… for finding someone who wants to be with you for the long-run.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to have a better divorce, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

How To Handle Your Heartache And Still Give Other People Support During A National Tragedy

August 30, 2017

During a national tragedy like they’re experiencing in Houston TX this week and parts of the south, people who are divorcing wonder if they’re supposed to be less concerned for themselves than those in dire situations? Or they think they’re supposed to be numb to their own pain in comparison. They question if they should put country and community above themselves and give other people support? It’s tough to feel bad. There’s little to no more room to care about anyone else with all the stress of their divorce. It’s often difficult for those going through separation and divorce to know just how to feel or how to give other people support.

During a breakup feeling justified for your pain can be confusing.

When you’re dealing with heartache, personal trauma, a separation or a divorce, it may seem as if you’re in a constant state of emergency. You’re exhausted from the fighting and fear and it’s tough to give other people support for their pain. You’re worried about the next decision. Confused about which direction to go in. And afraid you’re going to lose everything: money, status, your children, and your things ALL THE TIME!

There is work to be done to move on from your breakup.

You have permission to feel your despair and not to support other people at this time. You’re allowed to know you’re justified for feeling frightened and at the same time, believe you’re also going to get through these days. No matter how you may feel in the moment. (Just like those in Houston are going to get their feet back under them as well.) Eventually, your life will move in the right direction no matter how difficult it is right this moment and you will have the ability to support other people in pain.

Try to believe that because it’s true! Eventually, your divorce will be behind you. As I say to my children, you can feel bad or you can feel optimistic. The choice is yours. But either way, the work needs to be done. The healing work (your divorce) doesn’t care how you feel about doing it.

I know how to give other people support, how come no one is helping me?

As the world watches Houston, TX and everyone seemingly is getting help, you may wonder why you’re not being given the support you desperately need. The difficult thing is that it feels at times as if no one gets it. Your friends and family can’t deal with the ongoing fighting – literally the years it can take to become divorced. It takes a long time usually to get your feet back under you. And all the world is paying attention to Houston, TX at this very moment. It can seem very unfair.

I remember going through my divorce while all the world was watching a celebrity couple breaking up in a very public way. Here they were being showered with attention and the court of public opinion eagerly weighed in. It seemed as if the innocence of the wife was being pitted against the bad behavior of the husband. It was all I could do to keep myself from screaming!

During your divorce, it may feel as if you’re all alone.

At times it’s also true. The deeply personal healing is truly you with you. No one else can take on what you’re up against no matter how often you give other people support. These are difficult moments. They’re also gifts as difficult as that is to hear.

I am grateful my ugliness stayed within my small circle of friends and family instead of being seen by the entire world. It’s a relief that no one cared enough about me and my personal drama. I’m grateful that I’ve been able to become strong enough on my own. Because of the healing work I did, I now get to write, teach, and mentor without having my personal lessons be strewn across the media for all to see.

The cameras are going to leave this crisis and go to the next big event.

You know that. You also know how difficult the day in and day out activities for any family in crisis will be. Try to keep in perspective just what all this attention means when the waters recede and they have to get to work rebuilding their lives. It’s similar to what you’re doing all the time!

Eventually, your divorce will be behind you! You will once again lift your head up and look toward the future. The pain you’re dealing with and your lessons are deeply personal. For that, I suggest you be grateful you’ve had some semblance of privacy. You are not alone – I am right here sharing your pain while holding out the possibility of your speedy recovery and healing.

How to give other people support when you’ve barely got enough for yourself?

Those of you who are religious and believe in giving will have no trouble donating time, money, and your personal energy to those in need. Others of you dealing with your own ongoing trauma are going to feel torn between writing a check to the American Red Cross or taking care of your own legal bills and personal expenses. There is a lot that needs your attention.

You have permission to take care of yourself, your energy, mind, body, and spirit.

There is no right or wrong answer at this moment. Yes, other families need our help. However, your family also needs your help. Your health and your family’s safety are just as important to your community as those who can offer help to the families in Houston, TX, and parts of Louisiana. It’s important to remember to “put your oxygen mask on first” before helping others.

Lastly, separation and divorce take a very long time.

They are man-made decisions between adults. They have justifiable reasons and explanations. The law and the courts weigh in on many of the steps and decisions for a family moving forward. It’s difficult to stay the course over the long haul – just like it’s going to be really difficult for families in Houston, TX to deal with their lives being totally disrupted by Mother Nature!

We know, going through heartache and divorce, just how difficult it is to keep up one’s spirits.

You have way more experience than some others at getting out of bed each day, putting a smile on your face (no matter how fake) and managing your home, your job, and your family. Even with a certain amount of heaviness and pain. You know what it takes.

Those just beginning their long ordeal need our thoughts and prayers. They need to believe they’ll get through these changes. They need to believe – just as you’ve had to learn – that they’ll become stronger and more resilient for the next families struck with loss and tragedy. No one gets to go through this life experience unscathed no matter what we think.

And though divorce is an equal opportunity experience, so are the effects of Mother Nature’s wrath.

We’re all subject to the whims that life sometimes throws our way. And though it may not seem fair, seldom does fairness get doled out during our life lessons. I truly believe you are stronger than you realize. I truly believe in the grace that mankind has to offer others – as we’re witnessing between neighbor and neighbor in Houston, TX. You are able to give your family and your community grace and generosity. You’re also allowed to ask for a hug, a moment of peace with your kids, a chance to say thank you, and the belief that your future will get better. I believe in you and all you have to offer.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of The Better Divorce and doingDivorce™ School – online coaching programs for those ready to shed the pain of breakups. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com.