Divorce Coach

Going Through A Divorce, You Can Do War Or You Can Do Peace

August 16, 2016

You have to admire parents and couples who stay friends going through a divorce. They’re the ones without an enormous amount of animosity or financial ruin. I often wonder if they’re superhuman or something. I’ve heard they’re the ones who still have holidays together or cry when they sign their decrees. It’s heartwarming and makes me believe in hope and to have faith in relationships and mankind and all those higher values and aspirations.

In reality, though, I know very few of these couples. Most people I come across going through a divorce are in the middle of an emotional war zone. They’ve lost all semblance of rationality. No matter what occurs, they are constantly being triggered and have a very difficult time staying calm. Which makes a lot of sense. It’s hard to believe just how much the toll this kind of divorce takes out on a family. It can encompass years, cost thousands and thousands of dollars, and like most wars, it doesn’t end the way anyone wants.

You can do war, or you can do peace, but you can’t do both at the same time. The best news is, it’s your decision.

So let’s say that you want to have a peaceful, harmonious ending to your marriage. And let’s say that your ex-partner does not. Or cannot play on that level with you. If you’ve tried to remain calm and rational, but you’re being dragged into a war zone, what do you do?

Help for those going through a divorce comes in all ways.

You research personality disorders with a therapist so you can understand what you’re potentially working with. By doing so, you may learn a thing or two about the breakdown of your marriage in the meantime. Meanwhile, you join the group of people who hire divorce coaches to help them do the right thing. Even when it’s hard to do the right thing. Which seems redundant but isn’t if you’ve ever dealt with negotiations and high emotions. Then you hire an attorney who’ll listen to your point of view and negotiate before spinning things out of control.

As you move through the legal experience, you come to peace with the understanding that you may not get what you deserve over the long run. But fighting for it will cost too much and won’t be worth it in the end. With a divorce coach, you will come to realize a lot faster (and a lot cheaper) that getting out and setting up clear and healthy emotional boundaries are the only options.

If you’re in a war zone and want out, know there are no peace talks in the midst of war.

Your divorce is a reflection of who you were in the past and what you were married to. It’s tough to realize that life isn’t always fair, and going to court is no carnival. After all, this is the person who shared your bed. They may be the parent of your children. Going through divorce hell-bent on destroying another human being won’t serve you in the end. While trying to enact revenge and harboring anger and animosity sucks the life out of you. Doing so will permeate every other relationship you have going forward.

When you think of yourself as the victim, even when you don’t want to, you remain small. Your separation and divorce are not a reality TV show. You’re not being filmed, and honestly, your friends and family are tired of the drama. So stop abusing everyone you meet. More importantly, find some good help and stop abusing yourself.

Do peace. Do war, and get to peace, but know that you cannot do both at the same time.

The choices you set up now become the foundation of your future self. It’s a tough moment, one foot is still in the past while the other is trying to create a new future. You need to tread lightly here… you can’t simply throw in the towel and walk away from the fight, but you also have to balance the anger and fear. How you do your divorce is a reflection of your personal values. If fighting is your only emotional tone, find yourself a divorce coach and get permission to shift.

Going through a divorce can become all-consuming if we let it. It really does take over much of your thinking. But being angry, resentful and frightened doesn’t have to be the only feelings. When you can actively put your attention on being part of the change, you will feel more in control of what’s going on. I call a divorce a modern-day rite of passage. Because you are going to change and hopefully, for the better. No matter how difficult things are at the moment. In some ways, this experience is forcing you to become who you were supposed to be all along.

Get through a divorce, choose to heal. Get yourself the kind of support that will help you let go of the resentments, the hurt, and feeling victimized. Take back control over your emotions so that you can have a great future. Everyone around you will be grateful (including your ex). Over time, trust that you’ll be grateful for taking the high road as well.

Clients! Divorce Professionals, Here’s How To Take Your Life Back

July 19, 2016

Client balance - Stones pyramid on sand symbolizing zen, harmony, balance. Ocean at sunset in the background

It doesn’t matter if you’re the most competent attorney or CDFA or mediator around. When your clients pay you money to get out of a bad marriage, they’re filled with a myriad of feelings. Stress hormones course through their bodies. Besides their fear, they also have a lot of narcissism, self-doubt, and doubt about you. The most competent clients still doubt your ability to fight for them. For someone going through a divorce, confidence in the very people they’re hiring is rare. You, as their advocate, are up against a lot of prejudgment, bias, and fear.

Your client needs to believe in you.

As a divorce professional, your role is to know your stuff. But for the clients whose worlds have turned upside down, you need to be more patient than you realize. Too often, frightened clients walk out of your office and question what you discussed. They do not trust what they’ve heard. They think they know better. Or they walk out believing that the newest bit of gossip will help sway their negotiation.

A client who reaches out several times after a meeting doesn’t believe in your ability to help them.

Despite your willingness to answer questions and be self-assured, something’s not clicking. As you know, the decision-making is up to the client. You don’t get to live their lives when they walk out your door. Yet, your role as the authority is to get through to your client in a way they can understand. This can be difficult for the expert.

Clients pay you to show up and be the expert in your professional arena.

As a life coach who works with your clients once they leave your office, professionals who play all the roles drives me nuts. Most attorneys are empathetic. You get it, you got into this job to help people. Your role is to represent and advocate for your client within the boundaries of the law. Or to be a financial advisor. Not to be a therapist. It’s not fair for your clients to be paying you more than they’re paying their actual therapists.

The problem is that clients don’t know this and you do. It’s appropriate to explain your role to your clients. It’s ethical to suggest they get a divorce coach and a therapist if necessary. Especially at the onset of their divorce when they’re in crisis mode. You do this to put boundaries in place so you can have a personal life. This sort of behavior is more healthy for everyone.

When you don’t, when you can’t pick up the phone or when a client can’t pay back their retainer and bill, you get stuck. Ask yourself, “How many hours did I overextend myself?” Once accustomed to the empathetic courtship, your client will encroach upon your privacy. It happens every time. Your evenings and your time with your own family get jeopardized. Then resentments on both sides get build up. This makes your legal representation more difficult. And the reputation of matrimonial attorneys, in general, awful.

Your clients need to feel that you believe in them.

Too often clients leave your office complaining they’re not heard. They already hate their divorce but they also hate spending time with you. Way too often you take on a client you don’t believe in and that doubt seeps into the relationship. The worst person in the world knows who they are. They also need clarity. The law is in place for everyone. When you manipulate it, you risk jeopardizing children and your integrity.

When you go against your own moral compass, chances are, you’ll get pretty sick. Not only from the stress you experience daily. But also because of going against what you know to be right. If you don’t believe the person sitting across from you, don’t represent them.

Your client needs to know they’ll be okay.

You could have the wealthiest person in town as a client. Or you could be with a non-working mom. But either way, when it comes to their future, everyone’s afraid on a certain level. We don’t marry imagining divorce. We’re also wired for intimacy and to connect. Your client’s swagger may exude confidence that rivals the most successful rock star. You may be amazed at their resilience, but let me tell you, it’s all a front. Inside, in the quiet moments of their life, they look at their reflection and are sucking it up. Everyone doubts that image.

Your role is to assure them. Let them know you’ve got their back. Suggest to all your clients—get comfortable doing this—to go to therapy and/or to get a divorce coach. Put the process into perspective for them. You can do so with the wisdom you’ve gained from watching your clients go through it. Divorce stinks. Period. It doesn’t matter how much wealth, how handsome, how prosperous or young. Your role is to guide and lead your clients to the other professionals they need. When you do so, you get your life back too.

Going Through A Divorce-3 Benefits Of A Divorce Coach

April 12, 2016

Some people wrongly feel that when going through a divorce, a Divorce Coach is redundant and threatening to the other divorce professionals. We’re used to hiring attorneys or certified financial analysts or even therapists to help. But honestly, nothing could be further from the truth! Each professional has a role to play, and in my own experience going through a divorce, I utilized many of them.

A divorce coach, in the way I’ve been trained and practice, helps clients to manage their fears and the decisions that need to be made. And there are a lot of decisions to be made!

Going through a divorce, a divorce coach helps to brainstorm with a client.

This way a client is able to manage their budget and get focused before going to a lawyer. As a result, the attorney gets a more credible client. And the client isn’t wasting time and money re-telling their divorce story each time they have an appointment.

Most people going through divorce aren’t sick or ill. They’re more frightened or acting out in reaction to disappointment, anger, and loss. Up until now, a therapist has been the default place to go. I like therapists. But my work focuses on the present and the future. Most therapists look toward the past and how it’s affecting the present. Our work is different and sometimes both professionals are necessary.

Another misconception is that people think I’m telling my clients what to do. In actuality, telling someone what to do never works … remember being a teenager?

With a divorce coach, people get a place to manage feelings.

Working with a divorce coach, clients get to think about what they want and strategize how to get it. They take time and space away from their responsibilities to heal. I’m a hand-holder to feelings that come up after a client leaves the attorney’s office or gets their divorce decree.

Going through a divorce, emotionally charged people deal with a lot of really important decisions. Emotional decisions are expensive decisions. Courts, attorneys, friends, and children demand answers. Or they’re simply encouraged to “just start dating again” as if that’s the answer to the stress. Or they imagine living with someone is a great, fun idea.

Going through a divorce, a client has to slow down the emotional roller coaster.

That way decision-making can be given proper attention. The result is a calmer friend, mom, and colleague who’s navigating the loss of their marriage while planning for their future. My clients make up their own minds. With a divorce coach, they can examine different aspects and choices available to them. Then they figure out what works for their family. The outcomes are amazing. Instead of being an emotional wreck, clients are able to manage and show up for life.

A third misconception is that a divorce coach is a waste of time and money. Some people wrongly believe that good friends and family are enough. Or they feel that the healing lies in dating. Some people throw themselves into their work. Or worse, they become resigned to their life as it is. I cringe when I hear those words.

I call the aftermath of a poorly navigated divorce Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™.

When someone going through this experience isn’t getting help – they’re simply dating and having a lot of sex or simply stuffing feelings down – the repercussions will most likely bite them later. These individuals look beaten up. They may or may not be as successful as they once were. A lot of pessimism and loss permeates their self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth. They don’t want to settle but they do. The worst part is that they don’t have the tools to heal because their ex still holds the mirror.

Know anyone two to seven years out from a divorce decree who’s still stuck in the past and unhappy? Or If you or someone you know has lost the joy in there life, it may be time to work with a specialist in the emotional healing from a divorce. These walking wounded need help moving forward with their lives. A lot of my work focuses on these post-divorce issues. Clients take back the mirror held by their ex.

People Always Ask Divorce Questions… How Was It? How Are You?

March 8, 2016

It can be exhausting fending off people’s divorce questions, but it’s so common. Isn’t it crazy how our friends and family, those who have been with us through the questioning and inner thoughts, still can’t understand if the decision to divorce is the right one? Seriously, it makes me wonder who we’re hanging out with!

There are all sorts of reasons why people divorce and though it’s incredibly common, it’s also deeply personal.

That’s the painful part. That’s what makes it feel so utterly alone. Please don’t let anyone ever feed your fears. I know a lot of people who got divorced and none of them would ever say they did not try everything they could to improve their marriages… especially those with children.

I’m sure there isn’t a single day that goes by when you’re not questioning your motives and having other people get into your head and make you second-guess what you’re doing isn’t fair. It’s bad enough we carry a great big Scarlet D™ on our chests feeling everyone’s judgment and opinions. It’s worse when those around us, in trying to be helpful, simply pile on the stress and insecurity. So as it’s my aim is to help educate everyone on how to help those hurting next to us, here are a few of my favorite phrases –

“Thanks for asking but all I want to do right now is …. get back to work … or hang out together … or go to the movies …. talk about anything other than my divorce.”

The idea is to show respect to your friends and family’s fears and anxieties. Divorce affects everyone, it has a ripple effect into all areas of our lives.

For those who are just getting to know me, I don’t advocate divorce just because, I do however take offense to those who question choices others have.

No one goes into getting a divorce lightly.

If you think they have, it’s time to keep your nose on your side of the fence! Individuals going through divorce need support, guidance, some fun, possibly a job or some new activities. And a shoulder to cry on. They don’t need your judgment.

One way you could help your friend or family member is to host a divorce party, watch a comedy together, plan weekly sports events or go to court with them. Each milestone a divorcee goes through is worth celebrating. And each step in the process helps move the changes and growth along.

People who are divorcing are hurting and like any grieving process, they need time to accept the changes and make a new life.

Be gentle and firm. Maintain some boundaries for yourself and you’ll be a friend who can be there through the end.