Dating

Juicy Things No One Ever Tells You About Life Being A Sexy Single Mom

July 24, 2018

I doubt you planned on being a single mom. At least not one who would be home with kids (of all ages) and then be interested in dating and having sex. Being a sexy single mom, you may question how to parent responsibly and have a personal life. Especially if you’re the one with primary custody and little time to herself. The struggle to be a sexy, single mom is real but it’s also doable. Here are juicy things no one ever tells you about life as a single mom and having sex that will help you put some of this into perspective.

Dating as a single mom interested in having sex.

MILF… the title introduced to me as a divorced mom. For those of you unsure of what this means, it means, a “mom I’d like to f – ck.” Who knew?! I felt utterly naive. With that title came a lot of come-ons… men, young enough to be my sons hitting on me at networking events, men with pregnant wives needing a little attention, men who expected sex with first date cocktails, and men who simply expected I’d choose them just… well, because. It was a whole new world.

Dating as a single mom negated one very big part of my life: my children. Their well-being, their safety, their happiness, the changes they were going through, and the pain they were reconciling with. Not a single one of those MILF seeking men considered my kids. Of course, they didn’t. And for that reason, none of them got me into bed. Because my kids came first.

The struggle with being a single mom who wants sex.

Most divorced parents do their best to balance personal needs and desires with parenting. I’ve seen all sorts of behavior and am not here to judge. The woman who can enjoy casual sex while her kids are in school or with their other parent is as empowered to me as those who choose to stay home, quiet, feeling the feels, and not getting involved with men. Each is a winner in my book!

When a mom hides her sexual life, she is in a way, protecting her children. It only seems natural to not want to share that part of our personalities with our kids. After all, most married parents don’t share this part of their relationship with their children either, so it feels like the right thing to do.

The hard part comes when there are no boundaries. That’s when the struggle to balance mothering with being a sexy single mom again becomes real. You have to figure out how to make being a single mom work around having sex without your child getting involved with your love life. You have to manage childcare with intercourse, dating with diapers, and “uncle so and so” with questions about why he’s in bed with you in the morning. None of this is easy.

It’s empowering to figure out how to be a sexy single mom.

I have found that women, moms, are pretty creative people! You really can have it all, it just takes a little more effort and finesse than you might be used to.

Being a sexy single mom, hopefully, you’ve got some support – their father is a great place to start with secure childcare. No dad around? How about a family member or exchanging babysitting with another mom in your same position? Ask a young teacher at school or find a neighborhood teen who wants to earn some money. The effort to find competent childcare is real but not doing so and inviting your children into your sex life, cannot be an option. So find someone to help you!

Being a single mom, you have needs and desires.

Once childcare is arranged you can remember your sexy single self for a while. However, even when you no longer need to play the role of mom, your desires may need a little coaxing to come out. This may take a bit longer than when you were young and single.

You may need to plan a little more self-care time prepping with a bath, some oils, a cute outfit, and a fun evening to look forward to.

You may need to have your hormones checked! We assume feeling randy is natural (and it is) but if you’re new to dating again, you may want to visit your MD and have a full checkup to make the experience less daunting.

You may need to leave your home! Feeling sexy in the same place where you’re the disciplinarian, grocery shopper, diaper changing, the meal prepping parent may not allow you to easily remember your Tantra yoga moves.

You may need to set up some new guidelines to keep your life simple:

no one young enough to be your son
maybe not in your bed at home
stay away from those who smoke, drink, or use (role modeling and all matters)
forget those who don’t have a job or a place to call their own
be careful of men who may hit on your teenage daughter

Of course, when you’re turned on, a little tipsy, out with your girlfriends or at an event, all rules may be thrown to the wind. But it’ll feel pretty awkward in the light of day when some guy (young enough to be your son) steps over toys coming out of your bedroom and expects you to make him breakfast… So guidelines are a good thing to help avoid the post-sex vulnerability hangover. Not having them just complicates things.

A single mom wants sex…

Sure you do. Of course, you do! Please have sex if that’s what you want. Just don’t make things any more complicated than they have to be.

Separate your life. Be a mom here, a lover there. Keep your sensual, sexual side away from your parenting. Not because you’re not allowed to have both, but because your kids won’t like it. When our kids don’t like certain aspects of our personalities, they make our lives difficult.

Teenagers do not want to know that their sexy single mom is having sex.

Your teenagers truly do not want to know about your casual sex life. They don’t want to see you all dressed up and tipsy hanging onto the arm of a cute stranger. Your teenage daughter doesn’t want to compete with you for the car or to sit home with her younger siblings while you spend the night somewhere else. And they don’t want to see someone they barely know coming out of your bedroom in the morning. They want you to be their mother.

Don’t play the fool.

Do not fool yourself into thinking that your teenagers can handle your sex life. They can’t. Your young adults can’t either. In fact, your children, no matter what age, do not want to know about your sexy, single side. That is your secret.

When parents, single moms, mix the two: parenting with their sexy, single side – things get truly messy. I can’t stress this enough. You can have your sex. (Please do if it’s important to you.) Just don’t involve your kids.

Kids, traditionally born into wedlock, just don’t get it.

All kids have a hard enough time dealing with their parents’ divorce, adding intimacy on top of that blurs their roles. Unfortunately, when that happens, they’ll lose respect for you! They will feel insecure and hurt if your latest lover leaves and then have to start all over again when a new one comes into their lives. They will make your life miserable if they don’t like your newest crush. And they won’t trust love themselves as a result.

These are not lessons a single mom wants to teach her kids. Too many teens or young adults are forced into participating in their mom’s sexy, single side and it’s simply not fair. They’re not the ones who need to be the chaperone. And when the roles get mixed up, they will resent the parent who does so. It’s not worth it.

Being a sexy single mom is awesome and juicy!

It truly is. You know what you know about men, being hurt, having fun. You know how to parent and run your home. You’ve figured out what kind of man is safe. And you know your body. Now it’s time to play within the proper boundaries keeping that part of your personality separate so that you can enjoy some fun while keeping the respect you’ve worked so hard to get from your kids.

I can’t wait to hear how it goes!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com.

Dating As A Single Dad? Here’s 3 Things To Know Before Introducing Your New Love To Your Kids

March 7, 2018

Single dads, single men, often want to rush into relationships during their separations and after their divorce with such frequency that it becomes a sort of cliche. As a woman, I don’t always get it dating as a single dad. What is the rush? Why rush into a commitment when everything else in their lives is upside down? Children, typically, don’t get it either. Children have the hardest time dealing with their father’s new relationships especially if those relationships are being forced upon them. If you’re a single dad and you’re dating, here are 3 things to know before introducing your new love to your kids.

Here are 3 things to know before introducing your new love to your kids.

Dating as a single dad, please have as much fun and all the sex you want while your kids are with their other parent, but when the children are with you, remember this: they need to be your #1 priority. You need time to re-build or re-create your relationships with them away from their mother before they’re capable of welcoming someone new into your life.

Your children need to trust you again; to know that no matter what happens, you’ll be there for them unconditionally whether they push it or not. (I never said this was going to be easy!)

1) Single dad, those kids of yours want and need your attention.

Your kids know that trust is earned, it’s not rewarded. They’ll dole out trust carefully. You can’t expect them to trust someone they don’t know (especially if you’ve raised them well!) and this is where your feelings could get hurt.

I realize that children are all different, but they’re still coping with your family’s divorce. Bringing someone new into their lives and expecting them to immediately trust this new adult because you’re having sex or are seriously considering marrying them, doesn’t mean your child is on the same page. I recently heard a teen say this about her father’s latest girlfriend: “I’ve met her about 6 times… she’s nice but I’ve spent more time with my bus driver than I have with her.”

2) Your role, single dad, is to parent and to love them.

When children live with different parents, essentially having two homes, there’ll be twice as much stuff they’ll have to deal with. I’m often asked what to do with the child who sides with the other parent? My answer is usually, always, the same: love them where they’re at.

As kids, they’re testing, trying to win your attention, your approval. They manipulate and use adults the same way you did! They know what buttons to push and how much trouble you can handle them getting into.

Why rush into a commitment when everything else in your life is upside down?

We’ve all seen enough after-school movies to know what a child will do to get their parents to see them. Your role, as a parent, is to also raise them to be competent, productive members of society. (Ideally, we need children to be competent adults for the good of all). Often your child is simply testing just how far they can push. They want to know how long you’ll back them up. But just as often, kids will sense during the pushing and the manipulating, the needing of attention, whether you still love them. Or not. You know this too. You know that unconditional love is something we’ve all craved; to know that no matter what’s really going on – the amount of trouble or punishment – you still believe in them.

I have spent time in the police department with my son. As a parent, I may not have liked what was going on, but no matter what, I love the man I know my son is capable of being. I let him know that I wasn’t happy about the circumstances but that I had his back and we’d figure it out. Now, I’m not an expert with the police as some parents are, but I do get that my anger only goes so far. Loving my children during the difficult times is way more important than loving them during the easy ones. And any parent who forgets that love is equally if not more important, will lose out in all their relationships.

3) Single dads, your new love will need to be patient.

There’s a lot of truth to having patience. As a child with step-parents, it wasn’t easy to fall in love with my step-dad or step-mom. After all, they weren’t my biological parents. Even though eventually I did fall in love with both of them, at first and for many years, it wasn’t easy.

Dating As A Single Dad? Here's 3 Things To Know Before Introducing Your New Love To Your Kids

Despite the fighting at home, having a new adult in the family was an adjustment. And visiting my dad and his new family was awkward and unfamiliar more often than not. There’s still a formality in my relationship with my step-mom even though I’ve confided in her, sought her advice, and leaned on her for years. She and my step-dad did everything they could for me and my brothers and sisters. We were the lucky ones!

Saying all that, however, I’m still not sure how much love they felt from us. I’m not sure they always enjoyed having my brothers and sisters underfoot, and I’m not positive they always felt wanted and adored. In truth, these things take time to build.

Children have the hardest time dealing with their father’s new relationships

When you bring a new adult into your children’s lives, they have to be the kind of adult that can put kids’ needs first without expecting much in return. Coping with divorce, kids don’t form the same kind of relationships as adults do with their new lovers. It’s an impossible task to Dating As A Single Dad? Here's 3 Things To Know Before Introducing Your New Love To Your Kids expect kids to be able to bond as quickly as you do.

So this new adult in their lives, this new lover of yours, has to be willing to put up with a lot before expecting much respect, love, admiration or even manners in return. We don’t live in a culture where those rules really apply anymore and even if you want your kids to be polite or your family home is strict, be careful of setting yourself up for failure.

If you’re dating as a single dad, don’t rush things.

I watch my children closely. It’s easy for me to remember how it felt when my mom and then my dad brought home my step-parents. To recall how the new rules in each home took some time to learn. Some of us really balked at them which of course just set everyone up for more arguments. It wasn’t smooth sailing for a very long time.

When my kids talk to me about their fathers’ relationship I have to keep a really open mind. I’m not in his home anymore and I don’t know his lover. So I listen from the perspective of an adult who was once in their shoes. They are viewing things from their perspective, not their dad’s. I know it’s tough on them, there are new expectations and new rules. This woman hasn’t earned their trust and they haven’t bonded with her the way he has. Her presence is uncomfortable and confusing.

Trust is earned.

But I also know that over time, if she’s patient and kind they will learn to like her. If she continually shows up for my kids, and their dad is able to put our children first, they will learn to even love her. She will become a part of their lives and share memories with them. Separate from me. I not only know that, I welcome that for my kids.

I always felt that step-parents and new relationships were about having more love in one’s life. (It’s the only way I let my children have a nanny, go to sleep away camp and to go away to college!) It’s the same with new lovers and if you remember while dating as a single dad that your kids are working through their first divorce and new relationships, over time, everyone will experience more love in their lives.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

Can You Get Them to Marry Again? What REALLY Happens When Marrying After Divorce is a Deal Breaker.

February 3, 2018

What happens when the marriage thing is a No-Go after a divorce? Can you get them to marry again or is it a deal breaker? Are you the partner ready for love, completely committed and eager for them to say “yes” to a lifetime contract? Or are you the one who’s still reeling… I mean healing, after having suffered through a divorce or two? The conflict between those who want a marriage commitment and those who are still suffering from Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™ is real.

What really happens when marrying after divorce is a deal breaker?

This is important to understand especially when it comes to personal needs, values, desires, and fear. Coupling up after divorce isn’t as romantic as one wants to believe especially when you don’t understand what you’re up against. Still thinking you can get them to marry you? I argue you can’t.

If you’re the one dating the divorcé, you’re going to want to understand what you’re up against.

There’s no amount of nursing that will take a broken-hearted, angry, scared individual and magically be the one who’ll make them view their futures differently. It takes way more perspective and work then you’re aware of. Wide-eyed and in love, you think your love will heal the broken-hearted man or woman you’re with. I remember those feelings acutely… all I wanted to do was love him to health. Boy was I wrong!

The reason isn’t that you don’t love them or that they don’t love you. The problem is that they’re operating from a different set of rules. We, as a culture, have yet to grasp a universal process for the loss, loneliness, and grief that divorce brings. This loss affects everyone going through the experience – young, old, wealthy or not, any color – there’s no race parameters for divorce – a parent or not.

The process for overcoming Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™ has nothing to do with falling in love again. That’s why you won’t get them to marry you. And why dating a wounded divorced individual is such a painful kind of love.

You have to think long and hard about sacrificing your values and needs in order to keep them comfortable and safe.

Relationships aren’t supposed to be safe from our heart-centered fears. They’re supposed to help us open up, step into the strength of our vulnerability, and overcome our most cherished doubts. That’s a tall order for someone who’s just had their broken-heart dragged through a courtroom or mediator’s office.

As a divorcé, you’re going to be cautious about falling in love.

Those fragile whispers of “I love you” have nothing to do with the passion of having sex. We can easily connect sexually. You may even truly enjoy your partner’s love, affection, and attention. But when confronted with your lover’s need to marry, to commit, that’s when your fears raise their ugly head.

Perhaps you think there’s something wrong with you. You imagine you’re broken (well you are but only heart-broken). In truth, you’re more confused, overwhelmed, or scared than you are damaged. There’s nothing inherently wrong with you that another divorced adult can’t grasp.

The problem isn’t that you’re the one who’s wrong or that your lover is wrong. It’s just that you’re the one who has to do the work to heal. To put yourself squarely in the face of your pain and deal with it in a safe environment.

The loneliness, loss, and pain of divorce do not automatically go away with a new lover, a promotion at work or a new home and even a new family.

Divorce doesn’t work that way. And up until now, rarely do we talk about that fact. We just assume, if we’re still scared, there’s something wrong with us. Nothing could be further from the truth!

As the one in love with a broken-hearted divorcé, all you want is to have your love and affection for them, your support and understanding to be enough.

Sure you love the passion, especially since they probably came out of a sexless marriage. But you don’t understand why you feel this underlying anxiety. You’re confused by their on-again, off-again attention, why they seem totally there in person but disappear when you’re out of sight.

When you date a man or woman who’s gone through or is going through a difficult divorce, you become the respite from their anger and fighting. You’re the distraction from the disappointment and pain of breaking up a family. You’re the playmate for a fun weekend away, playing hooky from the office or a romantic evening away from their kids. You help them immensely since the stress of a divorce can take down the strongest among us.

As the playmate, the distraction, their feelings for you are real.

Genuine even. However, the pace with which you want that commitment to come and the time it takes to heal their hearts (if they’re doing any sort of work, to begin with) will not be in sync. Most of the time, you’ll be the one who suffers waiting. You’ll want to be understanding and compassionate, to not make waves and to tolerate their emotional unavailability. You’ll talk yourself out of that gut feeling, you’ll bend over backward even more to keep their attention.

There’s little more you can do.

You see it’s not you. You’re lovely; kind, warm, understanding. You’re probably terrific with their kids and great with their parents. Their friends think you’re the best thing for them… much better than the spouse they just left.

With divorce, shame and fear get to run rampant. You can’t shake a divorcée ’s inner beliefs. You can’t redefine how they view the breakup of their marriages or their families. That’s their inner healing work to do. The truth is, that when you’re the distraction, you also can’t be the one who calls them on their stuff. It doesn’t work that way and that’s the anxiety you’re feeling. You know that to be true.

When you’re in love with someone healing from Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™ ; when you love a man or woman struggling with separation and divorce; when you see their best but can’t get them to commit to you for the rest of your lives, do your best to let go.

Until this person you love commits to figuring out how to heal, they can’t be there for you emotionally. Would you have a pitcher with a broken right arm be pitching in the Championship game? Didn’t think so.

People coming out of a divorce are deeply wounded.

They need love and affection. They need others to be patient and kind. But in truth, they also need to decide to heal, to take down the mask of perfection and allow the feelings of vulnerability to be exposed so that they can heal their broken heart.

Choosing to do so is a personal decision and the longer a divorcé is distracted and having fun, the longer it’ll take for them to feel the pain and loss and get to work to feel better. I’m a big fan of doing the healing work and putting a failed marriage into perspective even as it’s dissolving. That way, when a divorcée does fall in love, there’s a real chance at a lasting union and an open willingness to say “I do” again.

Tired Of Making The Same Mistakes In Love? This Is THE Dating Advice To Prevent A Future Divorce

January 24, 2018

As Valentine’s Day approaches you and your broken heart, the part of you that still believes in love is wondering about dating again. Tired of making the same mistakes in love? This is the Dating Advice to prevent a future divorce – get ready!

Who among us doesn’t want the delicious feeling of butterflies as they anticipate meeting a new lover? Of course, you want to be wrapped up in someone’s arms, held carefully, safely, and cherished beyond any other relationship! But Cupid’s arrow has a sharp tip and way too often, in the rush to find Love, those coming out of a disappointing marriage, go head first into a familiar dynamic. This is a major pitfall of dating after divorce.

What feels comfortable is what you just left and even though that lover may look different, all too often, you’re making the same mistakes in love.

You and you alone are going to have to do the work to change the way you date and fall in love, the way you marry and commit. It’s not up to them. They’re not going to show up wrapped in a bow (unless you’re into that) just the way you want them to be. Unfortunately, they’re also not going to immediately accept all the parts of you your ex wouldn’t and couldn’t accept. Nor are they going to fall for you if you’re not as good or as healthy as you can be (and you know what that means for you and your body, mind, heart, and spirit).

You’re going to have to make the courage to vulnerably face your biggest fears.

Fears will inevitably creep in. They’re part of your guiding system… an inner GPS instructing you on which way to go. (Including fears around being naked, admitting your mistakes, mourning your past, accepting your part in the previous breakups, getting sober, being financially secure, showing up as a parent and asking yourself… how you could change moving forward?)

Dating after divorce and preparing for a new relationship isn’t easy and listening to your inner fears is part of the work that now needs to be done.

It’s time to get really clear about what your expectations are for dating and for relationships.

Your commiserating family and friends aren’t being honest with you because they too are too afraid to do the healing work required. They may not even know there’s personal growth work to be done. Did you?

Sure, some people create amazing relationships and second or third marriages after their breakup and divorces. Please God that you become one of them. But, I can almost guarantee that one person in those relationships is rooted in a spiritual practice. They know how to forgive and to hold others’ stuff in a big perspective. They’ve done their work. They’ve shown up for themselves and are capable of showing up for another.

Questions and Fears to address so you don’t make the same mistakes in love:

Ask yourself, are you still on it? Angry? Hostile? Mean-spirited and unforgiving towards your Ex, the way they’re parenting, the way they feed your kids, care for them; the way they respond to your emails or exchange the kids?

Are you still in love with your Ex? Do you still envision having sex with them? Are they still flirting and manipulating you? Are you able to walk away with your head held high, out from under the grip of their sexual foreplay?

Have you let go of the righteous indignation? The need to prove you’re worthy. The hustling and spinning of anxiety and the tension of fear?

Do you believe you’re being protected, provided for and inflow for your greatest good? (Which sometimes looks like going back to work, asking for a raise, setting boundaries, and simply up-leveling your relationships?)

Have you forgiven the person you had to be during your breakup, separation, and divorce? Are you ready to stop the lying and storytelling? Have you become honest instead of righteously expecting that because you’ve been hurt, other people need to put up with your brittleness and impatience?

When you decide that you’re worthy of love and relationship…

when you’re willing to vulnerably admit your mistakes, learn from them, and admit to another that you’re capable of putting them first, then you’re ready to fall for the love of your life and prevent a future divorce.

One of the reasons why divorcees go through second and third divorces isn’t because they like the experience of heartbreak, it’s because they’re unaware of the monumental and life-affirming changes that divorce forces us to go through. We do this as a modern-day rite of passage… a thing we do to grow!

Divorce is NEVER about the other person.

It is always about you and your personal growth here on this planet. It is never about blame and shame. It’s about honesty and self-worth, it’s about ownership and creativity.

If you’re tired of making the same mistakes in love, you have to ask yourself… when was the last time you loved the person you’re being in the world?

Do you allow yourself to feel your feelings instead of drowning them in work, porn, alcohol, cigarettes or sex? When was the last time you said thank you for the pain you’ve experienced as the lesson it was meant to be? Or took a good hard look at how you’re going about your life?

This stages of dating aren’t for the faint of heart. But neither is loving another human being. No one wants a fair-weather lover or spouse. We all want to be cherished and adored, wanted and respected. Why is it up to someone else to do the healing work but not you? What makes you think you can avoid the heavy lifting?

Dating requires trust and a sense of adventure so you don’t make the same mistakes in love.

You need to know who you are and what kind of things bring you joy and pleasure. Waking up next to someone you can trust with your heart means way more than the last orgasm you shared, the size of their waist or the amount of money they have in their bank accounts.

Character counts. And being with someone who can be his or her word makes things go so much more easily. You’re allowed to say “no” and to expect to be treated honestly. You don’t have to sleep with someone on date #1, #2 or even #3; nor do you have to put up with any amount of disrespect or ungratefulness. Monogamy means monogamy if that’s your agreement… period.

You need to believe your self-worth matters and that belief is solely up to you.

Without some level of personal effort on your part, none of these things come naturally or automatically. You’re worthy of being adored, admired, respected and appreciated. That requires you to pick wisely not out of habit. This takes time. Sometimes a lifetime of work.

Dating Advice after divorce: what is the rush?

As Valentine’s Day approaches and you’re fixated on one particular person, consider the questions I’ve posed above. I want you to have the love of your life.

I wish for you a man or woman of character – the one who will hold your heart safely in their hands.

You are worthy of the respect you crave and the protection you need. This isn’t easily achieved on your own. It takes courage to be seen and heard. If you need help, reach out… doingDivorce™ School is designed just for you.

Feel Like Your Ex Is Stalking You On Facebook? It’s Time To Start Blocking People

January 12, 2018

Social Media is a great way to brag about your life. Most people use it to show off, to seek attention, to connect with warm and fuzzy kitty pictures and to spy on the best looking guy or gal from High School. But do you feel like your ex is stalking you on FaceBook? It’s time to start blocking people.

I use social media for my coaching work and still prefer the telephone to connect with friends. But for most people, it’s instant messaging all the way! So what happens when that ex is lurking behind the blocked avatar? Who’s that handsome dude wanting your attention on IG?

Most of the time, no one real (it took a few scammers for me to learn that tactic). And then there’s your kids’ father or that girl you still pine for. What happens when they’re all over you and wanting your attention? You learn to set some really clear boundaries!

Learning to block stalking went like this for me:

He wanted to date me. He repeatedly asked me out. He’d show up at events we had in common. He wouldn’t take “no” for an answer and he got upset when I had to say things like, “you’re not my type” when he didn’t believe I really wasn’t dating. It was like swatting flies on a hot summer day but more emotionally upsetting. He would not leave me alone. And because I was afraid to hurt his feelings, I wasn’t comfortable with blocking him.

It took the comments on my FaceBook thread that finally sent me to anger. And I learned a valuable lesson about stalking.

Anyone going through a heartbreak, a relationship ending, a divorce knows how painful it is to be rejected or to hear bad things said about them. And I’m no different. As an actress, I heard lots of bad things said but we didn’t have the speed and intensity of social media. I would ignore a weird fan or send the lingerie, keys, and money to ABC’s security and I would ask for help as I was leaving the studio; security would manage the fans outside. But with social media, as a coach, as a divorcee who has had a lot of stuff said about her, there was more to learn.

I had to learn that boundaries – my setting them – are where I step into protecting me: my mind, my heart, my spirit, my body, my children.

So if that lurking, spying Ex feels way too close, I’m giving you permission to change your settings. This seems so simple! Such valuable advice. But what I’ve found is that my clients wrestle with this as well. All the time.

We’re so afraid of hurting other’s feelings.

Upsetting someone or not being nice. We’re worried that they’ll bad mouth us or react in a negative way. And most of the time, your gut instinct is probably right – they will. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t block them. Harassment on social media or on your message app is real and you have a right not to be harassed by someone lurking behind your thread.

What are your really doing when you block someone?

Un-friending is exactly that – you’re un-friending someone you once loved or wanted to love or who wanted to love you.

You will feel an energetic release just the way you felt their lurking. Getting attention form unhealthy people means you’re continuing to set yourself up for unhealthy relationships. You’re making the decision that ‘you can handle it’ when in fact, you can’t.

It’s time to start blocking people.

We are energetic beings who connect with others. It takes a lot to put up boundaries and to keep bad people out. But it’s easier once you start doing so. And you will feel a palpable shift when you do.

A recent client of mine was constantly on the receiving end of some pretty disgusting texts and comments on their thread. It took a few conversations until they were willing to put themselves first, to stop the harassment and to put up safe boundaries. This included blocking mutual friends and family relations. This is an important declaration.

When you decide that your life matters, that your mind is yours to manage, that your heart is ready for healing and that you really can’t handle the mean-spirited antagonism, then you’re onto healthy relationships.

Up until then, you’re fooling yourself. No one can handle the onslaught of negativity. And social media hiding lets it all hang out.

Personally, with my divorce coaching Facebook and IG pages, I’ve had to ban, block, delete, unfriend and not accept a lot of people. My blocked list has a host of names. Not because I don’t want to help them heal, but because they’re so angry and mean I’m not the teacher for them.

I can’t be somebody’s punching bag and I don’t want those who’ve hurt me in the past to have the privilege of knowing me now.

That’s the next step in personal healing. If you consider yourself a good person, if you’re willing to take responsibility for your part in the breakup, if you’re doing your healing work and gaining wisdom and softening your heart instead of building arguments and walls, then why in the world would you want someone who’s hurt you in the past to find a way to you now?

They don’t get you.

And it’s worth everything to keep it that way. What you have to offer the world is your energy, your heart, your generosity. When you’re ready to forgive yourself for your part in the breakup, you free yourself to love again. But for those who want to keep you in your victim role, for those who want to spy on how you’re doing, their goal isn’t to support you. It never was!

So it’s time to decide to protect yourself.

If you’re a parent and your children’s other parent is the person who’s still ghosting and spying on you, this is what I recommend:

join a third-party app like www.ourfamilywizard.com or www.2houses.com. It is completely worth the small investment to free yourself up from hearing from your Ex the moment they’re angry with you.
block them on your messenger app. You are not someone’s punching bag.
give your child their own phone to contact you and stop trying to control the calls and conversations between your children and your ex
delete your ex from your contacts and remove them from all social media
memorize that phone number for when you need to make contact.
stick to using that third-party app, not your email threads
keep everything in writing in case they take you back to court.

If you’re finding these suggestions difficult, notice the feelings and be wary of what you’re telling yourself. There is no real reason why you must remain in contact with an ex. It’s never about parenting concerns or worries. Nor is it about what they will think of you. It’s always about you, stepping into taking care of yourself. If you’re having trouble with doing so, doingDivorce™ School is open for the January – March program. Space is limited so apply now. You might want to check it out if you’re feeling stuck.

Changing patterns is not easy to do on your own.

You’ll need a coach to see your blind spots and a community to support you. As you make the decision to protect your future, you will stop the drama and the harassment of the past.