Dating after divorce for a man

Dad, It’s OK To Not Know How To Date After Divorce

September 22, 2018

Dating after a breakup is fraught with conflicting feelings. On the one hand, you hope for true love or at least great sex, on the other, you’ve no idea where to begin. The thought of hooking up with a new lover at just the time you’re trying to figure out how to overcome the pain of separation confuses many of us. And parents, newly single parents, wrestle with this dilemma all the time. When you’re a single dad, dealing with a breakup like a divorce, you think the right approach to dating looks like internet dating, school playgrounds or pickups at a bar. But dad, it’s ok to not know how to date after divorce; in fact, being unsure of how to move on is actually healthy.

When you’re trying to figure out how to approach dating after divorce as a single dad, you want it to be easy. You want great sex. You desire a beautiful partner. You’re hoping for some fun or entertainment. But then you have your children.

Some single dads mistakenly rush the process hoping to glom onto the first woman they meet and force her into the role of stepmother. Many just want uncommitted sex. Some don’t know where to begin. Many are afraid of being hurt all over again. Most just want a break so they can overcome the pain and anxiety that accompany the change. Dating after divorce doesn’t need to be complicated. It needs clarity.

Your dating life can’t be your emotional processing center.

You can’t expect a new partner to be responsible for helping you get through your day. You and you alone are. Which is why you will responsibly want help from a coach or mental help professional. Your dating life is where you get to show up as whole. And during a breakup, most single dads and their kids aren’t whole. So you’ve got to become whole first before a great relationship (and often, great sex) can show up in your life. This takes time and energy. A real commitment to your well-being. Your health. This doesn’t fit that profile of the cool, single dad out to re-live his forgotten youth. This process describes a man who understands that his breakup and his children’s first divorce actually have emotional consequences and needs to be respected.

Figuring out where you are emotionally is essential.

At first, you’re not going to want to do that. And that is okay. It’s okay to not know how to date after your divorce. It’s even okay to have lousy sex or perhaps, the best sex of your life but not be able to commit to a relationship. In today’s culture, most of us are open to different forms of intimacy and can tolerate what’s going on without judgment. However, you’re the one who’s got ideas about what makes you a good dad and what makes you a good man. You’re the one bringing your stuff to your new dating life whether there’s the “best sex of your life” or not.

When I work with single dads, many of them respect the institution of marriage. They understand commitment and the rules of monogamous sex whether or not they also had affairs. They know that many women are open to having uncommitted sex but also, they get that such relationships probably aren’t sustainable. Many don’t want a committed relationship at this time. Most single dads reeling from a divorce get it. Which is why dating after divorce also becomes confusing. So let’s make this simple –

You’re using sex to overcome the pain.

Dating is a lot of things but mostly it’s about using sex to overcome the pain of the breakup. Everything else is secondary to a single dad dealing with a divorce. The confusion you bring to the experience is colored by ‘wanting a good woman to talk to’ ‘wanting her to look a certain way,’ wanting her to ‘meet your kids,’ and the biggy – ‘not wanting to hurt her’ when it all falls apart as it’s bound to do. When you rush the natural connection, you implode the opportunity to build a meaningful new love. When you deny the natural desire, you’re lying to yourself and to any potential new partner.

You can’t force getting over a breakup.

Mostly what I see, most single dads don’t know how to date after divorce because they don’t know how to deal with the loneliness. When they’re not with their kids, they’ll do anything and almost everything to avoid it. And this is where we on the outside need more compassion too. If a single dad became single because his wife died, the entire community would rally to help. The community would understand his pain and loss. People don’t usually rush in to help a single dad. Too often, he has to deal with the enormous changes (wanted or not) by himself. That loneliness adds to the confusion of knowing how to date after a divorce. It’s that loneliness or pain that’s being avoided. The natural grieving that accompanies all monumental change.

If you’re now more scared of dating after your break up now, you’re right with me. You really can simply add to the heartache you and your children are dealing with. The wrong person can make things more complicated for everyone. That single dad dating life can’t involve your kids.

She won’t like it.

With most of my single dad clients, a big struggle they deal with also includes the girlfriend who wants to take over and immerse herself in their life. As a result, my clients feel trapped all over again and begin to balk from the responsibility. Emotionally they’re simply not ready to commit. They know on the one hand they shouldn’t bring her into their kids’ lives too fast but on the other, they don’t want to hurt their new lover. They also really like having a warm body next to them at night. The intimacy feels right.

Too often, when kids are pressured into making it all work, the relationship falls apart. Forced intimacy isn’t healthy. The statistics for second or third divorces verify this pattern isn’t sustainable. In fact, it makes things so much worse for everyone in the long run.

Slow down the dating after divorce.

Resentments build up and misunderstandings take hold when a new partner forces a bond with step-kids. These relationships have to be properly nurtured and developed. In these circumstances, kids make life very difficult for their single dads. I see this time and time again.

When intimacy is forced or everyone pretends to play house together instead of clearly defining the boundaries and expectations, relationships crumble. And children develop trust issues having to confront their own fears later on in life.

There need be no rush to date after divorce.

There’s no rule that says you must develop an intimate relationship immediately. You don’t have to force a dynamic that doesn’t serve your kids or a new partner. You really don’t have to commit to someone just to have sex even if you were raised differently. What you must do is process your feelings and develop a new understanding of what’s going on. You must grieve the loss of your marriage away from your dating life. You have to figure out how to parent your kids on your own. And you must become whole again. When you do that, knowing how to date won’t be difficult.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

Why Dating After Divorce Is Easier For A Man (And 4 Lessons To Learn From Him)

May 10, 2018

Common wisdom is that dating after divorce for a man is easier than for a woman. Women always marvel at this resilience and seemingly a man’s need to pair up. Many men also blame their desire to find a mate with the idea that they need to find a mate. I disagree. We’re all wired differently and understanding the differences and similarities between men and women helps us take a step back from the personal attacks about dating after divorce. There is some truth to why dating after divorce is easier for a man and here are 4 lessons for the rest of us to learn from him.

I’m around a lot of divorced men (and women) and sometimes common wisdom is more like common misunderstanding. To a certain extent, there’s some truth… men do find dating after a divorce easier than women by and large. But I’m sorry, that’s also not always the case.

Men, by and large, have this innate ability to compartmentalize their pain. They’re more able to shrug off a bad evening. And this ability to do so works for better and for worse. In the case of dating, it makes them more resilient and more courageous. They’re more willing to chalk up a bad date as simply a bad date while they look for another person to pair up with instead of taking it personally.

But often times guys also suffer feeling alone just like the rest of us. There’s no such thing as some blanket invulnerability men have. The men I work with feel the pain and the loss, but they don’t dwell there emotionally the way women do (way too often). They don’t take rejection quite as personally. They usually pick up their broken hearts and move on. Women, by and large, don’t.

Why dating after divorce is easier for a man? Here are 4 lessons to learn from him.

1. compartmentalize our pain:

Women bond with one another by sharing what’s going on in their lives. They connect by catching up with the stories of their lives: their kids, their spouses, what’s happening at work. And of course, the latest date. The date is where we like to focus our attention… kids are great but if you’re not a mom, it’s a lot easier to connect with your colleague or friend by talking about falling in and out of love.

We love to talk about falling in and out of love.

We spend hours talking about love and all its permutations. Which is why women have a more difficult time letting go of the latest heartbreak. We feel the rejection deeply and we keep it going by rehashing the same sob story.

It would be better for women to take this lesson from men and learn why dating after divorce requires some compartmentalizing of our pain. We all have to compartmentalize the pain of our divorce – leaving the war stories until trust is built. Why not compartmentalize the disappointment of a series of bad dates instead of catching everyone up at work about generalized ideas about the opposite sex?

2. shrug off a bad evening:

When a man has a bad date or is ghosted by a date he’s interested in, he might grumble about the cost of the evening. He may also have this momentary sense that there aren’t any good women out there. But by and large, the guys I get reports from, simply re-rack and get back out there. That Y chromosome changes everything.

When a woman has a bad date or if that man she’s interested in doesn’t ask her out again, she feels it deeply. Personally. Which stinks because we’re simply not responsible for how others react to us. The combination of chemistry, communication, and even just compatibility is real. Dr. Patricia Allen says all three must be present in order to have the potential of a good relationship.

Even for a man, dating after divorce for a man the face of disappointment and rejection, it’s not easy to remember the greater forces at play.

I had a date over two years ago with a man who never took me out again. With two small children, had we connected, I would be helping to raise his children. In the heat of the moment, I was all in with my fantasy. When he didn’t ask me out again, I took it personally forgetting about the fact that he and I are in two totally different places in our lives. Taking the rejection personally hardly helped my self-esteem. I felt embarrassed by my attraction and unwanted instead of shrugging it off and looking for a new guy.

3. resilience and courage:

There are a lot of people in this world. I used to say, out of billions of human beings, I really only need one man to show up and be in my life. Just one. As I’ve matured and fallen in and out of love with several men, my understanding of love has also grown. I’ve learned that we all have the potential to meet and love many people.

Which is why watching men date is inspiring. The guys I know fall in and out of love quickly and oftentimes, completely. They’re either in love or not. Which, if you’re the woman wanting love from a man who isn’t returning the sentiment, can be pretty tough. But watching men date and love has given me a front-row seat to how women need to move on.

Love will come and love will go.

We could do well to say a blessing or two, give them to a higher power and ask for help ourselves. Just the way friendships grow, change, go away, and fade. Life is a continuous cycle of new inspiration if we let it be. This is what I find inspiring about watching guys date after divorce. They are all in… seeking, searching, looking for love.

Dating after divorce is easier for a man because they often know everyone leaving a marriage is looking for love.

Why else leave? The concept that there is love available… one person, two, is a worthy thing to remember. It keeps us going. Seeking… searching for the next true love. Will they be your soulmate or my the one who wounds your heart? Only time will tell, but the courage to seek is the source for the quest. In many ways, the seeking and how you go about doing so becomes more important than getting that soulmate. And that’s where men excel.

Women searching, seeking with a dose of courage rather than being resigned and guarded, do best. It takes real energy and enthusiasm to make any relationship work. Dating has to be peppered with those ingredients right from the start. Without resilience and courage, the disappointments can rack up and leave the savviest of women staying home on a Friday night. If you’re looking for love, you can’t stay home.

4. stop dwelling:

After a divorce, you know all about disappointments! There hasn’t been a single person I’ve worked with who can’t run through a litany of stories describing and justifying why the opposite sex causes disappointments. However, the men I work with tend to brush those fears – they really are stories about being afraid of being hurt again – to the side.

In the marketplace, no one can go through their career without disappointment, rejection, loss, fear, and the need for resilience. Guys get this in spades. Women, as the culture reflects and people way smarter than I have written, often have a more difficult time with competition despite having excelled in all sorts of competitive arenas.

There’s no way any of us would be successful in the marketplace if we kept dwelling on disappointment or rejection.

As an actress, I have had thousands of auditions at this point but have only booked a few handfuls of roles. If I brought that disappointment or rejection into every audition, I couldn’t stay in the arena. But I don’t. I’ve learned not to take things so personally.

Which is why remembering why dating after divorce is easier for a man and learning these 4 lessons from him is so important. All of us have to move on. There are too many people on the planet to get caught up in the one who got away. Sure, it takes courage and a sense of resilience and sure, it’s not easy in the face of losing a marriage, but like a man, it’s time to get into the dating arena with enthusiasm and find new love.

As my coach, Mastin Kipp reminds us, “what misses us was never for us and what’s for us will never miss us.”

If you’re having trouble dating after divorce and would like an easier time, doingDivorce™ School is open for enrollment. Reach out and set up a complimentary call.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

How To Approach Dating After Divorce When You’re A Single Dad

July 18, 2017

Dads, after divorce, are earnest, eager to please, and a little unsure of how to begin the experience of coupling up again. Once children are involved they’re not sure of how to approach dating after divorce. Parental concerns become more important than when they were without kids. There are real decisions to be made when considering bringing a new woman into your children’s lives. Below are 5 important tips on how to approach dating when you’re a single dad.

This is the time to be at your best – responsible for your own well being and for your children.

The woman who you’ll want to be with and to build a relationship with wants to know who you are on the level of your character. (Yes, of course, she must be attracted to you and you must be attracted to her!) But she wants to know how safe you make her feel and thereby, will assess how safe you make your kids feel.

It’s not about prowess in bed. It’s about feeling safe. When a woman feels safe, when children feel safe, they can relax. And a relaxed woman will easily please the man she’s dating. So figure out how willing and able, and ready you are to keep those you love safe. The rest will follow.

How to approach dating after divorce an expensive separation.

This is where a little imagination and a lot of fortitude come into play. It’s best to actually go on a date instead of hanging out in front of a TV and then having sex. Be careful of that routine. That behavior is the same as marriage habits, not courtship. After a divorce, while dating a new woman, you’re not married. So you must start courting again to find a new partner. Dating usually costs money but doesn’t have to be over the top expensive and you don’t have to ask the woman you’re trying to impress to help foot the bill.

It’s not easy to have your kids accept your new relationship.

You may not know where or how to start dating because your kids can’t handle it. Dating after divorce for a man with a child is difficult. Your children will not want to share you with another woman. They’re already having a tough time seeing you without their mom. Quite honestly… they’re afraid that you’re going to leave them too and a new woman is a real threat.

How you approach dating after divorce is truly very different than dating as a single man. You know that your children deserve a good woman. But your date will be a distraction when they want and need your attention. Your children may or may not be able to say this to you. Instead, it will show up as a meltdown or a temper tantrum. They may not want to visit on your weekends and they’ll sulk. You’ll feel they’re pulling away.

Your kids pick up on the sexual tension and it makes them uncomfortable.

Kids sense the sexual tension coming from the man who gave them life. From their perspective, as a father, you’re there to keep them safe. They simply can’t handle the shift in your behavior. If instead, you force them to visit you and your new partner (which often happens) you’re simply teaching your kids that their feelings don’t matter. So be careful about that.

Waiting a few months won’t change the years you have ahead of you with the right person.

Putting your kids first looks like finding them a woman who knows herself and is able to show up for you and your children. You may be afraid that you have to put your kids first and decide not to bring a new woman into your life but then you recognize that you’re lonely and don’t want to be alone. That’s okay… loneliness gives you a chance to slow down and to figure out your new life while feeling feelings you’ve probably not felt in a long time. This period of time is an adjustment and is necessary to go through. It won’t last.

How to begin dating may seem completely overwhelming. But sometimes the where or the how approach is super simple.

There are no hard and fast rules on where to find a woman. Except for one… if you know her from your community (especially a school parent) don’t break up with her. That’s a mistake too many make and the embarrassment or anger will haunt you for a long, long time after the breakup. (Please take this advice as a strong warning!)

But otherwise, the rules have certainly changed about how to begin dating and technology has made is so much easier to select the right partner. What you’re teaching your kids is to be discerning. The role you’re ultimately looking for is a part-time mother. She’s got a huge responsibility to share in raising your children and you may even be helping to raise hers. The opportunity is a privilege, not an obligation. You’re not looking to buy a new sofa!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of The Better Divorce and doingDivorce™ School – online coaching programs for those ready to shed the pain of breakups. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com.