children of divorce

It’s OK To Hate Yourself For Yelling At Your Kids As A Single Mom, Just Not Forever

October 5, 2018

Most parents experience tremendous stress going from being married to being single parents. They hope is that the transition will be easy for everyone involved. The reality is a lot more difficult. The crisis point is difficult to navigate. Too often tempers are hot and parents and kids say a lot of things they wish they could take back. It’s OK to hate yourself for yelling at your kids as a single mom, just not forever.

You’re going to make a lot of mistakes between now and when they reach adulthood.

I was nervous. We sat with the kids on the couch united in our facts and story. We were telling them we had decided to end the marriage. Dad was moving to a new home and they’d see him without me. We each held our breath as first one, one then the other child, experienced the reverberations of what they heard. It was no different for me as a child when I heard my dad wasn’t coming home to live with me again. I burst into tears.

The fear of losing your child’s loyalty equals their fear of losing your love.

Navigating this time period isn’t easy for anyone. Therapists, MD’s, and attorneys all worry about the effects an acrimonious fight can have on a child’s relationship with the other parent. Kids panic and being abandoned begins to play out in their fears. GoodTherapy.org writes “Abandonment fear often stems from childhood loss. This loss could be related to a traumatic event, such as the loss of a parent through death or divorce. It can also come from not getting enough physical or emotional care. These early childhood experiences can lead to a fear of being abandoned by others later in life.”

One doesn’t know where to begin parenting by themselves, never mind manage their own tempers and feelings.

Yelling at your kids as a single mom is the kind of stress that makes the best single mom fearful of making a wrong move. You find yourself questioning everything you’re doing. I know that I did. Petrified of messing up and saying the wrong things, it was a scary time. My feelings were all over the place and the stakes were high. I recall asking several therapists and my babysitter/social worker if I crossed the line when I got angry and raised my voice. Their advice: yelling at your kids as a single mom is OK as long as you keep the yelling to what is going on. Not making personal attacks or comments about the other parent. Phew.

Then they advised… I clean it up. Yelling at your kids as a single mom is one thing, cleaning up the anger and hurt feelings is totally another. These are the moments you get to fix what you messed up. And you begin to rebuild faith in each others’ undying commitment toward safety and security. I had to learn to love rebuilding mess-ups.

Repairing the mess-up gives you a chance to not hate yourself for yelling at your kids.

Knowing being a child in divorce isn’t easy, I learned to respect my imperfections as a single mom. As a child, you truly don’t know what is up and where you’re safe. If both parents are running hot, if each drop-off and pick-up is filled with fighting, a child is going to want to stay away from both of you. Even kids who don’t demonstrate their fear or frustration may be experiencing a ton of stress. After all, they didn’t ask for this breakup.

It may not be easy for you to admit to yelling at your kids as a single mom. It’s not easy for me to publicly admit it now. I remember how it felt when my overworked, stressed out single mom yelled at me and my brothers and sisters. But what I do know, when a single mom (or dad) keeps the yelling clean – not bad-mouthing the other parent, not forcing a child to choose (parental alienation) and not making a child’s life impossible, all will be forgiven.

It’s OK to hate yourself for yelling at your kids as a single mom, just not forever.

What’s better as a single mom, is learning how to repair the damage your anger caused. To reach out and extend that olive branch by taking your children aside and one by one admit to them you messed up. Despite being a kid who was once in their shoes, I had to learn how to repair the relationship with my kids. It wasn’t as hard as I expected it to be.

Taking time to rebuild your relationship with a child you’ve hurt teaches them how to move forward with humility and generosity.

My kids were my greatest teacher. When we, as parents, move in with apologies, we open up a chance for a child to learn how to forgive. We all mess up. Every one of us makes mistakes and as parents, we have a chance to teach our children how to navigate those moments.

Once I realized that yelling at my kids as a single mom was actually an opportunity to forge wholeheartedness, no, I didn’t actually continue yelling… I actually began to calm down. I learned that no matter what, my kids trusted me. They knew I loved them and I knew they were loyally next to me. Not in a way that alienated their father, not that. But in a way that even though as a parent, I had messed up, by getting divorced from their dad, they still loved and accepted me. We were still on the same team.

By yelling at my kids, I had to pause, self-reflect, and learn some new skills at compromise.

I had to show up and speak up. By listening to their feelings and concerns, I had to face my own fears and desires. As a result, we’ve been able to build a stronger bond of trust. In many ways, yelling at my kids as a single mom brought me and my kids closer together. They learned the valuable gift of forgiveness. Despite it all, my fear of messing up taught them about humility, courage, and how to start over again no matter what the circumstances. There was no need for me to hate myself forever after giving us all such gifts.

Be A Good Dad To Your Wounded Kids (Learn How To Help Your Kids Heal)

September 16, 2018

As a child, I went through my parent’s divorce. I can speak from experience about how difficult it was to watch my home break apart. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t fun. And my brothers and sisters and I definitely did not want it. Saying all that, however, doesn’t mean that going forward, my life was terrible or that my parent’s divorce wasn’t a good thing for me and my brothers and sisters. It means, as a single dad, you can learn how to be a good parent to your wounded kids by helping their hearts to heal. You learn how to help your kids heal by making sure you lead the way by healing your own heart first. You help your kids heal from divorce by doing your healing process on your own.

A single dad has plenty he can do to help his kids heal and deal with the changes the family unit is going through during a divorce.

There are a pacing and a processing that has to happen as everyone catches up with the facts. Emotional resilience and stamina have to be built as a way to teach your kids not to shrink in the face of struggle. Even though they don’t want it, there are the discipline and daily rhythm needed by every teen and child. And there’s the hope and optimism that will allow your kids to believe in the institution should they want to invest their time and energy into marrying one day.

A good dad is a perfect person to help wounded kids learn these skills.

Who else is going to prove to a teenager or a child that they can learn to cope well too? However, as the single parent, you first have to figure out how to cope well yourself before you can expect your kids to believe they can as well. Which requires owning up to your own wounds.

Now, as a man, I get it… you’re asking me what wounds? What broken heart, misplaced loyalties or lack of self-respect? I understand none of those things happened to you during your marriage or divorce. I know. But your kids see all of these insults even when or if you don’t. They’re the boys modeling after you how to be men (to women like their moms) and the girls who will marry a man just like you. Since chances are very good that they’re going to repeat the same patterns that got you and their mother into trouble, perhaps, you’d like to help your kids heal by taking a look at what happened first? And change the course of the future?

By learning how to help your kids heal, you’re actually releasing your wounded kids from having to help you.

It’s not your kids’ job to figure out how to navigate your emotional wounds. When you set aside time and energy each week to process the experience, you can then return home and parent with greater clarity. You learn what patterns and behaviors didn’t serve the marriage. You let the emotions go while at home with the kids being a single dad because you’ve got a time and place to delve into them. When you hire a mentor, you become confident you’ll get through the process faster and easier than being left on your own to figure out. No one wants to deal with this stuff for the rest of their lives!

Your children’s wounds are hidden behind their teenage hormones, childish tantrums, and lack of discipline or drive.

As their world has fallen apart – something they never asked for – their safety and security also disappeared. They’re re-learning whom to trust. As their father, your role is to provide safety and security first and foremost. Not be their best friend, indulgent shopper or frightened adult unsure of where to go next. It’s best that as children, they don’t spend a lot of time with that part of you. Even when they know intuitively it’s there. That healing work is yours to do on your own with a mentor, a therapist, a coach. Not with your kids. Your kids need you to be their rock. To maintain discipline, safe boundaries, some structure to their day and of course, to love and nurture them.

A single dad who’s doing his healing models emotional resilience.

As you trust that you can handle the swirl of emotions – mostly anger or guilt – and deal with the things you can control moving forward, you build greater emotional resilience. Your children need someone in their lives to model this and it might as well be you. Your kids need to understand that life isn’t fair. That shit happens. And that we all need to pick ourselves up again over and over again. More often than any of us wish.

As you put your breakup into perspective willing and able to gain some wisdom in the process, you’ll be better able to share with your child how to grow stronger in the face of adversity and loss. What an incredible gift to give to a young person!

A good dad holds himself accountable for being the single parent who helps his children heal.

The more you hold yourself accountable and manage your feelings, the better you’ll be able to maintain discipline and schedules when you’re the single parent. You’ll help your child accept safe boundaries, keep time for homework or attend sports practices. And participate in the inevitable chores most kids of divorced parents have to take on.

No one likes to participate in new rules or chores especially when they didn’t want to go to a second home in the first place. A single dad, willing and able to maintain discipline earns greater respect from his kids. It’s tough to do so when overcome with guilt or shame for the changes the breakup brought upon the family.

A dad, able to process and heal, on his own without leaning on his children, gives his kids the time and space to do their own healing as well.

This can get confusing for adults going through a divorce. They don’t understand how hard it is for their kids. Most single parents are so caught up with their own pain, they forget their children come from two of you – the two of you who are fighting. So single dads bad-mouth the mothers or the kids are told way too much about the divorce case. Each parent tries to play the kids off one another and the kids, your kids, won’t and don’t want anything to do with you.

WhenI talk about this to parents, they naturally become defensive. But listen, we all make mistakes, especially when a separation first occurs. Emotions run high and a lot of stuff is said and done. Without the kind of help to put your own feelings in order, you can’t expect to be able to single parent your kids well. It’ll take way too long and you’ll do too much damage to your kids without professional help. This is how single parenting went for divorced parents way back when I was a kid. None of us got the kind of help we all needed.

Don’t make your kids do the healing that’s yours to do.

Then your kids will end up doing lots of work on themselves as they grow older and start to think about getting married themselves. Without doing your process, you set your kids up to do the healing for the entire family. That includes your work and their other parent’s as well as healing their own pain. That’s neither fair or appropriate. It calls into question who the adult is…

Since your kids are wounded… even when they hide it… helping their hearts heal is part of your role as a good dad. Or a good single mom. How to help your kids heal? Your children will need time and space to process what’s happened away from you. They will need a mentor, a coach, a teacher, a social worker, someone they can speak with each week for a period of time so they too can make sense of what happened.

You can change the way your children view love and marriage.

Kids who are given a chance to process are better able to get on with their own lives. Their schoolwork stays stable or perhaps even improves. They’re not so prone to risky behavior. Instead of confusing the role of relationships, they don’t try to use sex to get the kind of attention they actually need from their parents. The negative statistics for kids whose parents divorce are not good. (And I don’t recommend you go seek them out.) Instead, I suggest you shore up your homefront by controlling the things you can control: your healing and time and space for your kids’ healing. And you get to work learning how to be a good single dad.

What wounded kids want from their dads:

All I ever wanted from my dad (whom I rarely saw per the way things went back then) was a warm connection, support, and to know he loved me. Not seeing him meant he wasn’t my disciplinarian. But because I heard so many bad things about him, it was really tough to connect. Today, things are very different. We look down upon parental alienation. We encourage co-parenting and equal parenting time. Kids are more comfortable going back and forth between homes and many more families are separated.

But what hasn’t changed over the course of modern-day breakups is the wounding kids have because of the loss of their primary family structure. They are afraid of the institution of marriage. Young adults are cynical about the romance of true love. They mature with the idea that sex is the be-all and end-all of intimacy. And all too often, they re-create the very patterns and behaviors of their parents’ marriages that ended in divorce. Those negative statistics are there as well – I call divorce a generational disease. And as such, we, as those going through the experience, need to do our healing process first so as to help our children. That’s what I call being a good dad to your wounded kids and helping their hearts to heal.

Hey Single Dad… 5 Signs The Single Women You’re Looking At Are Actually Interested

August 17, 2018

Dating for a single dad can be challenging. On the one hand, you want intimacy and fun. On the other, you’ve got kids and they make things more complicated. Fortunately, single women usually like kids and are actually interested in being a child’s confidante. This means, keep your chin up! 5 signs the single women you’re looking at are actually interested in you will give single dads a head’s up on how well they’re being received and what to look for.

Dating a man with kids is often super fun for single women. Not all women, sure. But for the majority, our DNA is wired to take care of others. Children included. You’ll know she’s into you by the way she responds (over and over again).

Let’s take a look at the obvious signs: she shows an interest by smiling, laughing with you, dressing up, and being pleasant. All the things we do when we’re interested in another person. But then there’s the interest in your children, the inquiries about their lives or the concern about how they’re doing.

On a cynical level, I believe we all show up super sweet, smiling, laughing, pretty or hot, pleasant, interested, concerned, and nice during the beginning stages of dating and building a relationship. Why else would any one of us stay involved with anyone else otherwise? This is where things get confusing.

The single dad declares, “She really likes my kids!” Please excuse my scorn, but, like… duh!? You wouldn’t be dating her otherwise. BTW this is the same for single moms dating single men too. To be clear, don’t you think you wouldn’t, or maybe you shouldn’t, date someone who doesn’t like your kids?

However, dating a man with kids is not the stuff of movies and storytelling. Families are complicated and it’s not easy to blend a family into one unit. The challenge of being a single father is finding a woman who not only adores you but also one who can handle the obstacles all blended families go through on their way to becoming a united family.

I grew up in with 5 step brothers and sisters. They were older than me and didn’t live at my home with their father, my step-dad. My dad and my step-mom also had a daughter. Altogether, there were 12 kids. None of it was easy. The age differences were broad and we, fortunately, did not all live under the same roof.

Growing up in the Brady Bunch era, I had fantasies we would all get along. But that’s all it was – fantasies. The older kids had their own lives and several never bonded with my mother. When my step-dad passed, most of those step-siblings went on with their lives. Sure, wounds were opened but my mom is a tough gal and she carried on with those who wanted to share their lives with her.

Talk about some tough love.

But in order to grasp the amount of emotional stuff kids bring with them, we have to develop a thick skin. All children resent sharing their parents. So why should a new lover or step-mom be any different?

I say all this to single dads (and moms) as a way of giving you a head’s up. She’s interested but is she aware? You’re interested but are you prepared? Here are 5 signs the single women you’re looking at are actually interested:

She likes that you still like women and you make her feel good

Men who like women treat women right. They’re not stereotyping all women into a cookie cutter mold that looks like their ex-wife. By letting women show up as they are, it allows single dads to find healthy, fun women.

Women want to feel good around a guy so single dads need to have things in perspective before settling into a long-term relationship. Guys who don’t feel great about themselves or about women in general (usually that’s a sign of unhealed trauma) need a little more healing time before they settle down.

You’re a single dad who’s fun and adventurers.

You enjoy doing new things and you enroll your kids in joining you. You’re able to manage your kids’ moods and are able to keep yourself in check. These skills will entice a woman into falling in love with you. Most women can handle kids, they just can’t handle all the responsibility of parenting them. So if you’ve got this figured out, that single woman is going to find you very appealing!

You’re expressive instead of withholding.

This goes hand in hand with a man who’s done some healing work. Women, especially single women, want to emotionally process and get to know who you are today. They want to know about your relationship with your kids and how your day goes. If you’re the kind of man who’s unable to express his feelings or unable to talk about his day, you might have a more difficult time finding a single woman who can take on you and your children in one fell swoop.

But if you’re the type of man who can engage in a conversation, express feelings, and allow her to talk (while you listen); if you can just hold her while she verbally expresses herself and give her room to feel her feelings while you step into yours, then you know she’s into you.

She lets you do the things you need to do without pressuring you

Single women have become used to being independent. You may find if she’s really into you that she lets you do your thing without pressuring you. This is huge for a single dad who’s balancing parental duties with dating.

At first, this may seem contradictory but it really isn’t. Single women need down time too. They want girl time, primping time, time to work out. By letting you do the things you want to do (with your kids) without her pressure, she’s also setting herself up for the personal time she needs to feel good about herself and her life too.

She makes sure you include your children in the things you’re doing together.

A woman who’s secure is going to be willing and able to include your children in her life without making too big a deal about it. Sure, you welcome her company and perhaps even another set of eyes. But more importantly for someone dating a man with kids, she wants to be with them. She also likes being with them when she’s with you. This is huge and valuable. You really can’t be with a woman who doesn’t like your kids no matter how cynical I may be. That kind of single woman is one to hang onto.

Dating a man with kids, she doesn’t force herself onto your children.

This is one of the most difficult and most important steps to take note of. Does she let your kids live their own life? Is she secure enough not to have to be with them whenever you are? Does she use your kids’ affection as some measure of your commitment to her? Be careful here. Too many single dads have gotten themselves into trouble because a woman pressures your kids to do things with her that they don’t want to do.

Dating a man with kids is complicated and at times confusing. Many women you’ll meet will want to be in a family dynamic. The challenging part is reading the signs that she’s ready and able to be in a healthy relationship with you and your children. As you grasp her intentions and read the signs, you’ll be better able to find the right partner for you and your family.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

“Do As I Say, Not As I’ve Done” & Other Life Lessons That Make You Feel Like A Hypocrite To Your Kids

August 3, 2018

In the rush to put your life back together, there’s this moment when parents need to act-out… there’s unexpressed anger to vent, missed intimacy to be made up for, and hurt that has to come out. But, in the midst of all this is the very real role of parenting through divorce. And a lot of mistakes. The phrase, “Do as I say, not as I’ve done” brings up those choices from our past but also the present mistakes we make in separation and divorce. Other, preventable life lessons after divorce may make you feel like a hypocrite to your kids without the right context. Given that you’re their primary role model, it’s important to understand, accept and expect a lot of mistakes up ahead.

Parenting through divorce.

Parenting through divorce is really difficult. Parents typically worry about the effects of their divorce on their children. They worry that it’ll mess them up. Just to set the record straight – divorces don’t mess up children, the constant fighting, venting, prolonged court cases, and numerous lovers coming in and out of their lives does that dirty work.

You cannot mess up your child’s life by improving your own. You cannot mess up a child’s life by getting them out of dangerous or toxic environments. You mess up when you stop being their parent.

It’s also really tough to know how to take care of yourself while needing to care for your kids. It’s not easy to compartmentalize your anger or fear, to take on a lover and enjoy yourself or move and return to work without worrying about the effects on your family. But families are resilient when parenting is solid. During a divorce, most parents aren’t really very solid.

The post-divorce, post-trauma side of separation is a fragile time.

You will make a lot of mistakes post-divorce, post-trauma as you pull away from unhealthy or even toxic relationships. But like most life-lessons, separation and divorce give you the chance to start over. To do things differently and to model healthy lifestyle choices. “Do as I say, not as I’ve done” becomes a theme and parenting through divorce, you will want to scream your life lessons from the rooftops as you become aware of what happened, your part in the breakup, and the choices you made.

But children, especially young ones, model in silence. They won’t grasp the words, the venting, the anger. They’ll watch you. Kids feel the tension at home. They will mirror your stress levels. (And you really need to expect them to do so.) When you prepare for it and know how to calm yourself and your kids down, life will become easier. (And your children will stop avoiding spending time with you.)

Being a parent post-divorce, post-trauma.

I admire parents who leave unhealthy, toxic or difficult relationships. I commend them for showing their children that life doesn’t have to be so difficult or cruel. But saying that, I also know there’s a lot of backlash and being a parent in divorce brings with it, guilt, regrets, fears, and worries. Of course, it does!

Children will push and punish any parent breaking up the family home. Kids can be mean and most parents struggle with balancing their love with being defensive. Teenagers are great at playing games but so are young kids who quickly learn to test which parent will buy them the things they want in exchange for their seemingly finite amount of love.

None of this is true of course, kids usually stick around even after possibly taking a break from a parent. But the cycle of co-dependence and fear is difficult to grasp in the midst of the backlash.

Instead of succumbing to your child’s nonstop demands, it’s best to model tolerance and compassion…

“Do as I say, not as I’ve done” reflects everything you’ve ever done as a parent, not just your parenting through divorce.

Not just a separated or divorced parent. Not just the parent who needs to go on a date, fall in love, have some sex. Your parenting is going to come into focus as you learn more about your own actions and behavior before, during, and after your separation. Everything will be looked at – either by you, individually or by the courts and your children’s other parent.

This is where compassion comes in. You’ve made some mistakes – even a lot of mistakes! While you recreate your life post-divorce, you get to evaluate and own your life lessons.

Life lessons after divorce.

Snore. You’re not interested in learning anything more. You want sex, love, physical touch. It’s easier to blame than to look in the mirror. And way easier to vent, commiserate, and complain. I know. No one said this was going to be easy. You just thought a separate life would be easier than what you’ve been living through during an unhappy marriage.

The exciting thing is that once you grasp the context… that your life is, can, really change for the better… it all gets easier to handle. You can cut yourself some slack. Have some compassion for your own fears, your children’s behavior, the situation at hand. Change is never easy for the human animal. Separation and divorce bring loads of change.

“Do as I say, not as I’ve done.”

When you begin to model this sort of resilience, take it on and own it, your children witness a strong role model. By teaching them that tough times can be dealt with, they learn they too can handle what life lessons will come their way. Instead of being the out of control, angry, horny parent they don’t recognize, you get to show them how to rise above difficulties.

Your mistakes will come up. Expect your kids to challenge what you’re doing now and how they recall the past. This isn’t to say you’re completely at fault, it also doesn’t give you permission to become defensive. Your children have had a front row seat to your parenting before, during, and after divorce. They’ve been watching. They’ve also been at the effects of your choices and mistakes.

I find these moments humbling (and upsetting). These are the times when I wish I had had a manual, a role model or a mentor for how to do this more gracefully. Generously. I now know that if we don’t do our healing work, we leave that pain to our children to handle. Which isn’t just unfair, it sets up the next generation to mirror, repeat, and go through what we’ve gone through in relationship. Not doing our work means, we’ve become the biggest hypocrite to our kids.

Parenting through divorce means owning all of it.

To get through a divorce well – to find new love, healthy relationships, fun sex, meaningful work or a lifestyle you can thrive in, means doing the healing work. Divorce doesn’t happen between two healthy people. The biggest life lesson after divorce is that you were part of that dynamic. It wasn’t always their fault. Owning that, understanding and having compassion for the person you once were helps your kids see that they too will make mistakes. The hypocrisy goes away when you heal. And grow. Shift, change, own it all. It becomes rather freeing.

Separation and divorce sets you up for a better life. Whether you wanted the divorce or not. It’s always up to you but rising above the anger, the hurt, the need to punish, helps your kids adjust to the changes in their life. It helps them learn to trust you again. And it gives them a chance to come back when you were the one who made the mistakes. (No longer the hypocrite you once feared being.)

If you’re stuck doing this sort of growth on your own, it’s time to look into doingDivorce™ School. My online, group class was created to help those going through breakups do so with perspective, understanding, and compassion for the experience and what they’re going through. Joining a community, a new tribe of like-minded people, helps students overcome the shame, fear, and to create a better future in a supportive community.

This Is Not Your Parent’s Divorce. Understanding The Modern Rite Of Passage We Call Divorce

July 3, 2018

Parents are simply people doing their best! The hard part is, we – as children, as family members, teachers, clergy, neighbors – expect divorcing parents to know how to get through their break up perfectly. Coping with divorce in the family affects everyone and up until now, few had the luxury of available help. However, this is not your parent’s divorce. This is a different time and help is available. The best part? Parents and kids can heal from betrayal, loss, and lifestyle changes. Not a parent? Reach out to parents. Knowing what you know, you owe it to their kids. It is possible to understand the modern rite of passage we call divorce. Otherwise, divorce remains a generational disease.

How should parents handle their divorce?

Divorce can leave lifelong scars unless someone gets the help they need to heal. Given that, I wish every parent knew to get support. Healing help. Time with a coach and/or a therapist. Going to a support group. Having a safe place to share their pain with other adults so they can show up as a great parent for their kid. If a parent does not do their healing work, the legacy of their divorce gets passed onto their children.

When I was a child, few talked about divorce. Parents quickly remarried if possible or single parents struggled to make ends meet. My family was the only one to separate on the small cul-de-sac where I grew up. It was a lonely, scary, and painful time. Eventually, both parents remarried and relative normalcy returned but that doesn’t mean it didn’t affect me and my brothers and sisters.

Coping with a divorce in the family

We didn’t have the tools to talk about coping with divorce as a teenager or as a child. No one knew how to deal with breakups. Or how to get through a break up in a productive and optimistic manner. It was a tough, embarrassing, vulnerable time filled with gossip and complaining. Being sensitive to the adults around me, I wish they could have talked about it more. Or had gotten the right kind of help.

Today, there is hope for parents. They can get support! They can lean on adults going through the process instead of equally disgruntled friends to get the support and advice they need. The best part about today’s divorce, not being your parent’s divorce, is that we do understand this modern-day rite of passage. And there’s a bounty of help just because those who are helping others today, were the kids of the past. We know it’s best for kids to have healthy parents going through a supportive process.

The modern-day rite of passage we call divorce

Even though many families separate and divorce, there is still a huge misunderstanding about the experience. Parents still think the fight is about getting even, emotional justice or preventing children from seeing each other as a way to punish and victimize one another.

I believe the modern-day rite of passage we call divorce is about taking back a life that wasn’t working. It means letting go of the fight when negotiations break down and figuring out how to process, heal, and move on no matter what the circumstances. This is incredibly difficult in the heat of the fight and I’m in no way suggesting that you “om it out” over joined yoga mats during those heated moments.

Most normal people aren’t spiritually aware enough to separate without bad feelings. And resentments or hurt feelings are real and appropriate reactions to a marriage being ripped apart. Betrayal cuts deep. Loss requires grieving and pain is not always the easiest emotion to experience or process.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t heal or that you won’t. Coping with divorce means you need more help, understanding, and perspective.

This Is Not Your Parent’s Divorce

You do not need to spend your days criticizing and commiserating with other upset and disgruntled single parents. You don’t have to compare your divorce to the one your parents went through. Divorcing parents need to process and heal in a safe place (where anger is allowed) and figure out how to shift their focus toward the future not hold themselves stuck in the past.

So much easier said than done! But it’s doable. We have the luxury our parents didn’t have. Today, help specifically deals with divorcing families. There are places to go where parents can share their pain with other adults.

This way parents can show up for their kids without dumping on them. And when they mess up, which will and does happen, they’ll get the tools to right their behavior for their teenager or young adult’s eyes. Kids don’t want perfect parents. They need parents who are capable of getting themselves the support and help they need so that they can be there for them.

Otherwise, divorce becomes a generational disease

The biggest fear most divorcing parents have is that their kids will “hate them.” Every parent goes through this at one point or another. Unfortunately, they’re right, most kids do hate their parents at some point during a family’s divorce. There’s a lot of anger and hurt. An enormous let down for kids and disrupted lifestyle changes that hurt everyone involved.

But kids aren’t blind to anger, financial disparities, even being used as pawns in their parents’ fight. Kids are smart. They’ve been watching you since they were at your knee. Your children know more about your separation than you realize. They know when a parent is buying them or has taken on a new lover or is using their wealth to punish one another.

What they don’t get, however, is good role modeling during divorce. Unless a parent is in the process of healing and getting the right kind of support. Otherwise, divorce becomes a generational disease.

There aren’t many good reasons to pass your pain onto your kids to deal with anymore. You can do your work and model optimism, hope, and success for them. Your kids will face their own hardships as they mature and create their own lives. They don’t need to spend years of their lives wondering what happened to their original family and why dad/mom cheated or mom/dad was so angry.

Parents are simply people doing their best!

I get it! As a parent, when I make mistakes in front of my children, it takes everything I have to stop and apologize. I’ve had to learn how to bite my tongue and simply show up for my kids. Too often, I might have said exactly what was on my mind and needed to go to them and admit I made a mistake. But it worked. It showed them that as an adult, I was going to make mistakes and I continue to learn and grow.

My children have no illusions about our lives! They understand that my work is my work and that they don’t have to figure out what happened between their parents on their own. This is not my parent’s divorce, today I’m doing my part too.

They know that as a child, it was a lot harder and much rarer for people of my generation to have therapists. My children have had lots of support. As have I. We talk about their loss, their feelings, and make space for grieving and processing. Together we’ve shed a lot of tears but we’ve also made great new memories.

Coping with divorce: parents and kids can heal from betrayal, loss, and lifestyle changes

This is a different time and help is available. The best part? Parents and kids coping with divorce can heal from betrayal, loss, and lifestyle changes. Not a parent? Reach out to parents. Knowing what you now know, you owe it to their kids. The kids in your classrooms, your office, your neighbor. It’s important to show support to those grieving and confused or even angry single parents in your midst. They need lots of compassion. Know it’s possible to understand the modern rite of passage we call divorce. Otherwise, divorce remains a generational disease.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For parents seeking empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of their past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com.