Breakups

Powerful Love Life Advice When You’ve Lost Your Soulmate

October 3, 2019

Losing a soulmate sucks. It hurst like nobody’s business. For many of us, our love life consumes our lives. When you’ve lost your soulmate, you’re looking for serious, powerful advice. The number of places I’ve turned to is long: friends, coaches, therapists, books; my own inner spirit. On and on. Where you turn to for powerful love life advice is important. When you’ve lost your soulmate, you look everywhere!

Losing a soulmate sucks.

Love is sublime, powerful, kind; in essence, great! We love being in love. But when a love ends, when you’re in the position that you’re the one who’s lost your soulmate, it can be crippling. I’ve been in bed, on the couch, unable to function more times than I wish to count. Each time, it became worse than before. That is, until I figured out what was up.

Turn to a trusted source for powerful love life advice.

Trusted sources for love life advice are few and far between. I personally don’t read magazine articles anymore. They put me in my head and make me feel bad about myself, the choices I’ve made, and the men I slept with. Designed to make me judge myself, I do not read general advice.

I also don’t turn to religion or religious texts or therapists. I appreciate and respect religious wisdom and adore my therapist friends. But I don’t find solace in the past. The past is over and done with and understanding what I’ve done doesn’t always help me moving forward.

Instead I look towards patterns: my patterns of behavior, the way I usually do things. Then I seek out alternative ways of being so I can have a successful love life. I find this information in the cutting edge of behavioral science.

It doesn’t take hours or years to see your love-life patterns.

We do things over and over again until we’re either sick of ourselves or we’re sick of the results. (Usually, those two things go hand in hand.) I find that it doesn’t take hours or years to see patterns. They are the things that feel most comfortable. Or the way we behave in each relationship giving us the same results. They are the things we identify with and when we go to change them, it feels strange.

But just because things feel strange or awkward or self-conscious, doesn’t make them wrong or bad. To change means to be bold. To admit that what we’ve been doing hasn’t give us the results we want. When you’ve lost your soulmate, how you do your love-life needs to be shaken up! The energy it takes to re-rack and move forward comes from the very pain you’re experiencing when you lose your soulmate.

It’s that sucky feeling that drives the next decisions. Decisions create the actions and whatever consequences that come about. If you want a soulmate to stick around, you’re going to have to take those awful feelings and channel them into making decisions that create new actions and results. It seems scientific and clinical. It is. It’s how we’re wired.

Being in love is a fantastic feeling.

Most of us love being in love. But without understanding how we do our love-lives, it’s tough to grasp our part in the loss. If you’re having a tough time understanding why, let’s examine your patterns together. I promise it won’t be too long before you have a healthy, happy soulmate in your life again!

Beautiful Bridges – How To Let Go Of What Happened

September 21, 2019

We all like to cling to the past. Caught up in nostalgia, it’s tough to let go of happy memories. The same goes for holding a grudge, we can’t let go of that slight or betrayal. Everybody has a memory worth holding onto. But it’s the ones that get in our way that keep us from building beautiful bridges to the lives we say we want. To our futures. Ready to shed a few tears and to let go of what happened? Good, it’s time for us all to take the next steps.

How to let go of what occurred in your past.

What happened occurred. It’s not necessarily right or wrong. It’s not absolutely justified nor in any way kind. Moral. Righteous or deserved. How you or I would be in the world. Things happened and they hurt.

But because they occurred doesn’t mean, we have to stay stuck in those moments. Nor do we have to be surprised when the memories haunt us. The mind works that way. We become triggered and feelings can be overwhelming.

Feeling the feels is a very human response to help let go of what happened.

It’s when the overwhelm keeps us from moving forward that we need to interject self-love. And a little tough love. You see, you and I, the ones feeling the feels, are the ones suffering from what happened. Not them. We’re the ones who remain stuck in our unhappiness or nostalgia remembering when…

The bridge to build has to be on a foundation of self-love and compassion for being human. If you’re reading this, you’re a feeling animal. We have to grant ourselves the grace to remember what happened, to feel, and to be allowed to let it go. Moment by moment.

These are not sweeping declarative orders… the mind doesn’t work that way. This is more of an “aha” moment… ‘oh, I’m going down that rabbit hole again’ thought that you gently re-direct.

By doing so, we remain very present to what’s up within. And without… are you surrounded by people who will hurt you? Do you need to quit that job? Is it simply the need to change the radio channel you’re listening to? When you take a look around, you become present to what’s up in the here and now.

But the present isn’t always fun. Especially in the heat of intense feelings and overwhelm. In fact, the present is often very difficult.

Creating the bridge to a future you can call your own starts within your imagination. You see what you want. You can feel those feelings and imagine being where you want to be. But in the moment, that can be tough. You may be very far away… feeling feelings you never want to have in the future.

Creating the bridge to a future you can call your own starts within your imagination.

To bridge the past to the present to the future requires a new strategy. First, the awareness that you don’t like what you’re feeling or where you are. Second, knowing a change can be done. That you can heal from what happened. Then the patience to work through the tough feelings and make the choices to change what’s going on.

My clients and I struggle with feeling the feels. I was, after all, an actress. I was paid to cry on TV! So feeling the feels is what I do best. But when I become nostalgic or angry about what happened in my past, I miss out on the amazing things happening in the moment. I also miss out on creating the bridge toward what I want.

That’s when I re-rack and get present to the here and now. I ask myself, ‘what do I have to do now to move my life forward?’ And I get going, practicing what I preach.

When I become nostalgic or angry about my past, I miss out on the amazing things happening in the moment.

In fact, it was only by doing these steps above that I let go of the past betrayal and heartache. By allowing myself the time and place to feel the feelings, I was then able to let go of what happened and heal. It’s what I want for you.

If you’re having trouble with bridging your past to your future, reach out. Let’s set up a strategy session so you can move forward with your life and create the amazing future ahead of you.

How To Persevere In The Face Of Massive Disappointment

September 4, 2019

It happened again. He left without explanation. She fired a colleague. The weekend with your kids was a bust. How often do we have to face massive disappointments? I wager, all the time! So often in fact, it’s astounding anyone has the energy to keep going. How do you persevere in the face of massive disappointments? Below, I’ll share mine.

My wedding day bliss turned to massive disappointments more than once!

I learned to persevere, to allow love back in not by heading to shore and dry-docking my boat but by allowing myself to get back out there! To love, to enter into marriage is a public declaration that you’re willing to risk being hurt. It’s a creative, bold move. No one casually enters into wedlock. You see, I’m definitely not one to shrink in the face of being bold.

But I dislike disappointments as much as the next person so I’ve had to figure out ways to keep going.

As an actress, I’ve faced thousands more rejections than most. Judged on the color of my hair or my height or the number of wrinkles on my face, those disappointments can add up. They are personal. There’s not much I could do about my height but I also didn’t get to work opposite Tom Cruise because of it.

I’ve learned that to persevere in the face of massive disappointments, you have to be bold.

Pick up the pieces, wipe your tears, pull up your big girl (or guy) pants and get going again. It’s not easy nor is it fair but no matter what you want, you’re responsible for doing your best to get it.

If you’ve fallen in and out of love, having had your heart broken a few times, you may know what I’m talking about. It takes courage to keep going. To go online and start dating again. We hope those risks will pay off.

But what if they don’t? What if you do your best, persevere and decide it’s not worth it. That’s fine! You’ve made your decision for now and I’d tell you to try to accept it.

Unfortunately, disappointments come more often than any of us would like. Because change is omnipresent. Things change all around us all the time. And we don’t like it. I don’t like change anymore than anyone else. It can be tough to keep going. I’m in the midst of a massive change right now with my kids off to college and it is not comfortable.

Disappointments are not wrong. Change is uncomfortable.

So I get up each day and decide to feel good. (It’s not always easy.) And when I decide, I also hope – that it will feel okay to be among new people, doing new things. Sometimes it’s easier than others. Sometimes it stinks but like with falling in love, I don’t stay on shore. I get up and head out, being bold and courageous once again. Because, for me there is no other choice.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker, and advisor to those ready to move their lives forward. For empowering and practical ways to begin anew whether personally or professionally, set up a call here.

The Unexpected Way To Get The Love You Want

August 28, 2019

Woman kissing a man by leaning over him is looking for love in a new relationship.

My clients want love. Usually, I get them right after the heartbreak and loss. Often it’s because of a divorce or a breakup with a significant relationship. They’re hurt, depressed, and a bit lost turning to new relationships as soon as possible. What usually happens is that new relationships end, causing more hurt. But there is an unexpected way to get the love you want and it just might surprise you!

Old habits die hard. They’re the kind of habits that caused the heartbreak to begin with. So when you’re about to jump into a new relationship, even while healing from a breakup, you may need to think twice about what you’re doing.

Build in time to re-rack, re-learn, and practice waiting for love to come to you instead of chasing it.

This is a daily practice. I know, you think everyone has these overnight sensational stories about finding love quickly and jumping into a new marriage. It happens, but the success rates vary and . These stories set you up for more pain as well so avoid them as much as possible.

Stop chasing those who do not return love.

When we glom onto new lovers expecting them to fulfill our joy and solve our lives, we set ourselves up for heart ache. I know, I’ve been there! Instead, consider finding your own joy, navigating your own day without using someone else. That’s when everything turns around and love is on the horizon again. As you put your life together again without someone else, self-confidence, hope, and optimism get put back on the table. Magic can then return to daily life.

After an important breakup, it’s worthwhile to stop and regroup.

Sure, sex is fun and lovers are important but so is your state of mind. When you start to prioritize your life and your spirit, you’ll find others gravitating towards you. Wanting you. Chasing you. Then you can decide, are they worthy to let in? After all, your life will be pretty good and they’d have to add rather than hurt you in the process.

So take care of yourself first and stop chasing those who don’t want to love you back. Let them go. You’re worth having someone want you too.

Dealing With A Vindictive Ex? 4 Tips To Not Get Drawn Into Her Drama

September 28, 2018

The experience of looking over your shoulder after a breakup worried that your ex will sneak up behind you is way too familiar for most of us. TV dramas explore the repercussions of angry women out to seek revenge. Films, documentaries, and news programs give numerous exhibit A’s to any number of people dealing with a vindictive ex. I’ve been that ex – not the kind who successfully destroyed a man’s life but the kind who was so angry and hurt that she considered doing so. So here are 4 tips to not get drawn into her drama.

Dealing with a vindictive ex is not easy.

Anyone who’s been on internet dating sites knows there could easily be repercussions for a breakup. Many times a month, I work with men who worry about the ramifications of breaking up with a woman who just isn’t right. And many women fear equally, the thought of running into a man they’ve spurned. I am not of the mind that we shouldn’t be concerned. I know from first-hand experience that men and women alike can feel the effects of a breakup deeply. And as a result, the anger and primitive drive for survival can become unleashed. But there are ways to not get drawn into her drama.

Make a clean and respectful breakup.

I wish I had a time machine to redo the breakup stories shared with me. Too often men and women behave so badly during breakups that regrets, embarrassment, and stupidity raise their ugly heads. Way too often, someone cheats to implode a relationship. Usually awful things are said when commitments are broken and disparaging, embarrassing behavior occurs. It can be excruciating and infuriating to experience the cruelty so many people engage in to end a relationship. It doesn’t have to be that way.

Write one for the history books.

Chances are you will not have a vindictive ex to deal with if you handle your breakup well. There will be no drama to get drawn into if you break up with kindness and courtesy. If you state your thoughts and opinions kindly or carefully, you will lessen the opportunity for this ex to chase you down a dark alley. When you handle your breakups like a mature person (ahem… if you’re having sex, there’s an element of maturity present) you don’t come off as an easy target to take revenge upon.

You guys have it tough.

We women rage fast and hard. The fury of women has been known by men for centuries so I often wonder why guys set themselves up for it. This is where being kind and merciful with your breaking up comes into play. But what happens when you take all the necessary steps and carefully end a relationship that wasn’t working? What do you do then?

Endings mean not getting drawn into her drama.

I don’t understand all the pushback about blocking someone. What is it about the ability, never mind the opportunity we have, to block someone when a relationship is over? Is it needing a bevy of friendships or a chance to remain in communication so you seem as if you’re a good person? Is it because you don’t want to act like a dick? I’m fairly black and white when it comes to breaking up. Unless you’re parents of kids together, there’s very little to justify staying in touch with an ex.

You’re not being a good guy when you hypothetically (and actually) let her reach out to you during one of her drinking spells. You are not expected to receive angry or mean texts just because you broke up with someone you don’t want to be with. And you don’t have to account for why you chose to do so a week or a month down the road. She is responsible for her emotional well-being, not you. Saying that she’s also not there to make you feel better about yourself.

When you end a relationship, man up and end it.

Turf Wars

I dated this guy once who would take me to a club he used to go to with his other girlfriend. One particular evening we were there when all of a sudden he froze up, wouldn’t dance, and couldn’t wait to leave. It was strange and I couldn’t figure out what was going on until months later when I found out she was sitting at a table nearby. Rookie move.

Choose where you entertain a new date carefully. I would no more socialize with a new partner in the same restaurants I did with my ex than climb back into bed with him. Carefully creating boundaries is important especially if the woman you broke up with is passionate, angry or hurt. In other words, the kind of woman who once turned you on…

If you live in a small town and there are only one or two places to go, then you’d better get really good at dating women who live out of town or learn how to break up like a gentleman. We women talk. When you separate your life into geographic lines of defense, it may seem overly dramatic but having two women go at it in front of you isn’t the stuff of reality TV shows either.

What creates the kind of situation where you’re dealing with a vindictive ex?

Instead of simply ending the monogamous relationship one man had with me, he instead chose to cheat on me. And lie about it. It’s been said, “Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned,” In other words, watch out if you choose to cheat.

I can still taste the anger of that particular breakup. He was the guy who cheated on me over and over again. The man who lied to my face and used me to get through his divorce. The man-boy who felt entitled to have me in his life. When it ended, I was shaken to my core. Instead of enacting all the revenge I felt, I declared no man or woman needed to act that way and no woman or man I knew should ever have to experience such rage.

You do not need to create a vindictive ex.

You need to show up and speak up. You need to respect yourself and the women you choose to share your body with. You owe it to your future relationships to create safe separations so that you’re not at the receiving end of angry women who aren’t able of behaving when they’re around you. And these women include your ex-wives as well as your daughters.

Did I want to literally kill this man? Absolutely. However, I walked away. Got myself competent support. I figured out why I chose men who cheated on me. Those who weren’t emotionally available for committed relationships. I healed. Then I committed to coaching others going through this experience. Betrayal hurts.

Both men and women come to me with this pain to heal.

It doesn’t matter what age we are when we engage or want to engage in sexual relationships with others, we bond. We make an emotional and physical impression on one another and we owe it to ourselves to do so wisely. Too many people end up wasting time and money dating the wrong person and misread what’s really going on. You know who you are and intuitively, you also know something’s got to give.

You have the ability to choose safe women or men to love and have sex with. There’s a responsibility to be with people who are mature enough to do the hard stuff with you. Select wisely. Put your emotional and physical safety first. You do not ever need to deal with a vindictive ex when you take responsibilities for your actions and choices. After all, having sex with someone is a mature act, a loving act, an act of physical and emotional safety, not the stuff of children.