Breakups

It Won’t Suck Forever. 6 Signs You’re Actually Moving On From Your Divorce

August 9, 2018

Getting over a breakup is never easy. But I promise it won’t suck forever. It does suck for quite some time, however. That pain is usually covered up by this acute anger or fear or depression. It often feels as if you’ll never make it through this stage, doomed to deal with your breakup for the rest of your life. But despite the worry or tears, there are several signs that show up when you’re actually moving on from your divorce. These are the signals you want to know about. They’re proof your getting over your breakup and that a good life after divorce will happen.

How to get over a breakup when you still love each other.

This is that suck forever feeling. The obsession over whether or not you’ll ever move on. But in reality, you may always love each other. Even just a little bit. After all, there was something in them that made you want them in your life, to begin with. When they get into your heart, they often own a piece of it going forward.

So when you still love each other, it’s hard to know what to do after the breakup. You’ll search around for meaning and experiment with dating. You’ll do your best to forget about them and wrestle with tons of sadness and guilt. You’ve lost someone you’ve grown accustomed to even when or if the relationship wasn’t healthy or easy.

Life after divorce is filled with growth.

Growth isn’t always fun. It’ll often feel as if you’re never going to move on from your divorce in the midst of the emotional hit. Eventually, however, you’ll begin to calm down and embrace the changes going on.

Signs you’re actually moving on from your divorce:

Slow down and breathe. Way too often in the midst of the anxiety, we literally forget to breathe. Now, I’m not the best silent meditator in the world but I can walk. And, I do a lot of walking! Simply moving my body, lifting weights, walking, getting on a bicycle helps me move that anxious energy. Slow down and walk to calm your body and relax your thoughts.

Manage your thoughts. When you’re able to shift that anxious energy toward a calmer feeling, you may or may not actually like it despite what you’re declaring to anyone who’ll listen. Some people keep the anxiety going not because they like the anger or worry but because they don’t realize they can control their thoughts and feelings. You can and you must!

You will know that you’ve turned the corner of your breakup when you can slow down and breathe, and manage your thoughts. These are welcomed signs!

How to deal with a breakup.

Start with a good attitude. I often use the term perspective when discussing the experience of divorce. The stages you go through are rather universal. Sure, you have your own personality and story. But, for the most part, the perspective you need is not personal at all. Your attitude and how you handle what you know and what you’re doing is.

When you’re able to get some perspective on this modern-day rite of passage, you’ll be better able to stop the stress you’re experiencing. When you can hold the experience with optimism and courage, you’re on your way toward healing your life after divorce!

Perspective includes objectively recognizing the situation you’re in. Owning your part in the breakup. Doing your healing work not just saying you are as if intellectually understanding it means you’re body, heart and mind are healed from the trauma. You want to feel at peace with where you are in the process.

Perspective helps you avoid Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™… the sticky, horrible sense that your life will always be about your divorce. It’s important to grasp this not because I want to make your day worse but because without the awareness that divorce is something we do and therefore something we can do well, the longer you will remain stuck.

It won’t suck forever.

Most of the time, the tension of the negotiation or litigation is so difficult that people are willing to throw in the towel and stop the fight. It takes real time to wrap up a life that wasn’t working. Way too often people in negotiation feel as if they can’t handle the tension and fighting when they’ve no idea how much they’re capable of tolerating and getting through. They underestimate their own emotional resilience.

You see, very few people truly want to fight with a former lover. I notice that the negotiation and fight often come up when people aren’t emotionally ready to move on. No matter what they’re saying. Unaware of the hidden patterns, they’re afraid of who they’ll be after the marriage. They’re unsure about their future security, financial well-being or the relationship with their children. So they hang on using the other parent or the ex as a familiar connection.

No one can tell you how long to fight or what you should fight for. That includes your attorney, dad, children or your ex. This is a deeply personal decision. However, you also need to know when enough is enough. When the fight and the attorney fees have become a distraction from the very life you claim you want to create. Often times the fight is simply fear of letting go.

You will know that you’ve turned the corner of your breakup when you can trust that your life will become better and accept that you have to do it without the person you’ve been accustomed to. These are welcomed signs!

Life experience is not all about making mistakes.

It takes a while to create a better life after divorce. The gestation period to create the very life you claim you want takes longer than falling in love. It’s harder than giving birth. It costs more than starting your own company. Okay, I’ve taken a little creative liberty here but you get my point. It doesn’t happen all at once or right away. Nor will it show up the way you imagine.

The emotional growth you have to go through doesn’t look like the fantasies you held onto to get out of your marriage. The tricky thing is that emotional growth gets disguised by falling in love or moving or getting a new job. In fact, all of those things are helpful but none of them are what makes a better life. Many complicate your life instead, ratcheting up stress levels. Usually, those first few romances fall apart making things more confusing or upsetting.

Compassion helps because you’re going to make a lot of mistakes. Do your best to accept that fact. Learn to watch yourself go through the things you go through so you don’t beat yourself up. You will know that you’ve turned the corner of your breakup when you allow yourself to make the mistakes you’re inevitably going to make and accept all of them. These are welcomed signs!

Getting over a breakup will not take forever. Nor does it have to suck! You do, however, have to give yourself the care and attention required to do your divorce better. And when you do, your life will get better. I am not a big fan of watching people mess things up over and over again. I created my online group programs precisely because too many people make the separation process harder than it has to be. You don’t have to! Learn more here.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com.

Sick Of Feeling Miserable About Your Divorce? Here’s How To Stop Thinking About It For A While

July 13, 2018

The biggest struggle when getting over a breakup or a divorce is the ongoing, non-stop, obsessive thinking loops that keep us worried and feeling miserable about the state of our lives. Of course, you do your best to stop the nonstop inner noise. I know that. But the self-criticism, the anger, the nonstop, internal fighting with your ex is almost impossible to turn off! Sick of feeling miserable about your divorce? Here’s how to stop thinking about it for awhile. All of it… the good, the bad, the ugly.

What is all this thinking about anyway?

Obsessive thinking loops are just that – thoughts that go round and round your head filling you with miserable feelings. We all get obsessed about getting over a breakup or a divorce. You work super hard to figure out how to move on after your divorce even when you’re the one who didn’t want it. I know that you’re doing your best to figure out how to deal with your breakup no matter how much it hurts. No one blames you for trying. It’s just much harder to stop thinking about it than we realize.

While your body is in fear… the limbic system… that part of us that relates to all things reptile (yes, think crocs and lizards) has its own wiring. It’s a deep, internal part of our neurology. It also reacts when our lives are in danger. Getting over a breakup or a divorce brings with it enormous change. Change is life-threatening to our limbic systems. It makes sense from this point of view that you’re having a tough time turning off the nonstop obsessive thinking loops. In fact, it’s nearly impossible to do so without some outside help and awareness.

How to stop feeling miserable?

Help doesn’t have to come in the form of medication, alcohol, drugs or even a good cry. Help comes with perspective and new, better coping skills. And then, over time, an acceptance that life is changing and you’re going to have to change too. It’s almost as if you have to let go in the midst of the fear trusting that you’ll be okay. (You will be okay even when you don’t believe it.)

Without the willingness to feel and to breathe and to learn and to be open to change, you’ll, unfortunately, remain obsessed, miserable, unable to cope with your break up. If you’re sick of feeling miserable about your divorce, here are some ways to stop thinking about it for a while.

Think about something else.

Soooooo much easier said than done! (Haven’t you been trying to do this all along?)

Well, consider this: if your child was ill and needed your immediate attention or your parents needed you at the hospital, I bet you’d forget all about yourself and your breakup almost immediately. You’d put your attention on someone, something else wouldn’t you? You’d step into taking action to help those you love.

If your parents or your children needed your help, there’d be NO time to beat yourself up. You would work to focus on the things you can control. You’d do your best to help. You’d show up ready and able to lend a hand. When others need us, we show up.

When getting over a breakup or a divorce, focus on the things you can control.

The problems you want to solve (rather than have to solve). Consider the projects that interest you. The things you want to learn or the things you have to do in front of you that when completed, will help you feel good about yourself. In other words, decide that you and your well-being matter enough to focus on feeling good about the things you can manage and control instead of beating yourself up for the things you can’t.

It’s time to take action.

The best cure for feeling miserable is taking action. Walk outside. Go to the gym. Chop wood. Clean your house. Get into motion and think about taking care of yourself instead of allowing your thoughts to continue to beat you up.

When we’re miserable or obsessed with certain thoughts like getting over a breakup or a divorce, it’s tough to shift gears and focus on new things. Getting into activity helps. It may also help you become healthier (and who doesn’t want to become a little healthier or fitter after leaving a relationship?) Activity helps everyone move feelings through their bodies. We are feeling animals and those feelings need to be expressed not repressed and shoved down.

When you move, you help emotions move through you instead of being pushed down and made stagnant. You’ll begin to feel better simply by getting into motion. Then the motion begins to feed upon itself and before you know it, you’ll be running marathons, dancing the tango and getting into the best shape of your life!

Sick of feeling miserable? Surround yourself with other people.

Running marathons and learning to tango may not be for you but both have something in common. Both experiences force you to surround yourself with new people. People who are counting on you. People who can handle your stuff, who can help you learn a new skill or help you get into better shape.

Surrounding yourself with new people who never knew you as a couple is perhaps, the best thing you can do for yourself.

Not feeling up to meeting new people? Of course, you don’t!

That lizard part of our brains wants us to hide when we’re not feeling good about ourselves. But here’s the thing, when you hide and avoid making new friends or taking action or caring for someone else, your mind plays tricks on you. It’ll say some horrible things about you while you sit there trying to become comfortable with your loneliness or boredom. And, the worst part? You’ll believe it!

And six months will go by then a year, two years. Before you know it, you’ll look back and several years will have gone by and you’ll still be sitting there feeling miserable about your divorce or breakup!

We all do it.

Everyone getting over a breakup pulls in and wants to hide. We all feel miserable when we start comparing our lives to other people’s lives. (Or when we compare our lives to the ones we used to have. Which really stinks by the way!)

So, do me a favor. Well, actually, do yourself a big favor… go do something that scares you. A little (no burning buildings please.) Go outside and say hello to a neighbor, begin to volunteer, head over to the local YMCA and join a team. Take a class. Begin getting outside and exercising your body. Even when you don’t want to -and you won’t want to! Expect not to want to. Be prepared to feel really awkward and embarrassed. Perhaps even afraid.

It’s okay.

You are okay.

You are even safe.

Get your body moving and focusing on someone else or something else isn’t easy but it is doable. (Yoga anyone?!) The idea is to get out of your own way and out of your own head. To focus on the things you can control and excel at! Make them small wins, easy steps; ones you can excel at. Surround yourself with other people also working toward a happier and future. And know, the more you take these actions, the easier they’ll become!

This Is Not Your Parent’s Divorce. Understanding The Modern Rite Of Passage We Call Divorce

July 3, 2018

Parents are simply people doing their best! The hard part is, we – as children, as family members, teachers, clergy, neighbors – expect divorcing parents to know how to get through their break up perfectly. Coping with divorce in the family affects everyone and up until now, few had the luxury of available help. However, this is not your parent’s divorce. This is a different time and help is available. The best part? Parents and kids can heal from betrayal, loss, and lifestyle changes. Not a parent? Reach out to parents. Knowing what you know, you owe it to their kids. It is possible to understand the modern rite of passage we call divorce. Otherwise, divorce remains a generational disease.

How should parents handle their divorce?

Divorce can leave lifelong scars unless someone gets the help they need to heal. Given that, I wish every parent knew to get support. Healing help. Time with a coach and/or a therapist. Going to a support group. Having a safe place to share their pain with other adults so they can show up as a great parent for their kid. If a parent does not do their healing work, the legacy of their divorce gets passed onto their children.

When I was a child, few talked about divorce. Parents quickly remarried if possible or single parents struggled to make ends meet. My family was the only one to separate on the small cul-de-sac where I grew up. It was a lonely, scary, and painful time. Eventually, both parents remarried and relative normalcy returned but that doesn’t mean it didn’t affect me and my brothers and sisters.

Coping with a divorce in the family

We didn’t have the tools to talk about coping with divorce as a teenager or as a child. No one knew how to deal with breakups. Or how to get through a break up in a productive and optimistic manner. It was a tough, embarrassing, vulnerable time filled with gossip and complaining. Being sensitive to the adults around me, I wish they could have talked about it more. Or had gotten the right kind of help.

Today, there is hope for parents. They can get support! They can lean on adults going through the process instead of equally disgruntled friends to get the support and advice they need. The best part about today’s divorce, not being your parent’s divorce, is that we do understand this modern-day rite of passage. And there’s a bounty of help just because those who are helping others today, were the kids of the past. We know it’s best for kids to have healthy parents going through a supportive process.

The modern-day rite of passage we call divorce

Even though many families separate and divorce, there is still a huge misunderstanding about the experience. Parents still think the fight is about getting even, emotional justice or preventing children from seeing each other as a way to punish and victimize one another.

I believe the modern-day rite of passage we call divorce is about taking back a life that wasn’t working. It means letting go of the fight when negotiations break down and figuring out how to process, heal, and move on no matter what the circumstances. This is incredibly difficult in the heat of the fight and I’m in no way suggesting that you “om it out” over joined yoga mats during those heated moments.

Most normal people aren’t spiritually aware enough to separate without bad feelings. And resentments or hurt feelings are real and appropriate reactions to a marriage being ripped apart. Betrayal cuts deep. Loss requires grieving and pain is not always the easiest emotion to experience or process.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t heal or that you won’t. Coping with divorce means you need more help, understanding, and perspective.

This Is Not Your Parent’s Divorce

You do not need to spend your days criticizing and commiserating with other upset and disgruntled single parents. You don’t have to compare your divorce to the one your parents went through. Divorcing parents need to process and heal in a safe place (where anger is allowed) and figure out how to shift their focus toward the future not hold themselves stuck in the past.

So much easier said than done! But it’s doable. We have the luxury our parents didn’t have. Today, help specifically deals with divorcing families. There are places to go where parents can share their pain with other adults.

This way parents can show up for their kids without dumping on them. And when they mess up, which will and does happen, they’ll get the tools to right their behavior for their teenager or young adult’s eyes. Kids don’t want perfect parents. They need parents who are capable of getting themselves the support and help they need so that they can be there for them.

Otherwise, divorce becomes a generational disease

The biggest fear most divorcing parents have is that their kids will “hate them.” Every parent goes through this at one point or another. Unfortunately, they’re right, most kids do hate their parents at some point during a family’s divorce. There’s a lot of anger and hurt. An enormous let down for kids and disrupted lifestyle changes that hurt everyone involved.

But kids aren’t blind to anger, financial disparities, even being used as pawns in their parents’ fight. Kids are smart. They’ve been watching you since they were at your knee. Your children know more about your separation than you realize. They know when a parent is buying them or has taken on a new lover or is using their wealth to punish one another.

What they don’t get, however, is good role modeling during divorce. Unless a parent is in the process of healing and getting the right kind of support. Otherwise, divorce becomes a generational disease.

There aren’t many good reasons to pass your pain onto your kids to deal with anymore. You can do your work and model optimism, hope, and success for them. Your kids will face their own hardships as they mature and create their own lives. They don’t need to spend years of their lives wondering what happened to their original family and why dad/mom cheated or mom/dad was so angry.

Parents are simply people doing their best!

I get it! As a parent, when I make mistakes in front of my children, it takes everything I have to stop and apologize. I’ve had to learn how to bite my tongue and simply show up for my kids. Too often, I might have said exactly what was on my mind and needed to go to them and admit I made a mistake. But it worked. It showed them that as an adult, I was going to make mistakes and I continue to learn and grow.

My children have no illusions about our lives! They understand that my work is my work and that they don’t have to figure out what happened between their parents on their own. This is not my parent’s divorce, today I’m doing my part too.

They know that as a child, it was a lot harder and much rarer for people of my generation to have therapists. My children have had lots of support. As have I. We talk about their loss, their feelings, and make space for grieving and processing. Together we’ve shed a lot of tears but we’ve also made great new memories.

Coping with divorce: parents and kids can heal from betrayal, loss, and lifestyle changes

This is a different time and help is available. The best part? Parents and kids coping with divorce can heal from betrayal, loss, and lifestyle changes. Not a parent? Reach out to parents. Knowing what you now know, you owe it to their kids. The kids in your classrooms, your office, your neighbor. It’s important to show support to those grieving and confused or even angry single parents in your midst. They need lots of compassion. Know it’s possible to understand the modern rite of passage we call divorce. Otherwise, divorce remains a generational disease.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For parents seeking empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of their past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com.

Here Are 4 Things You Have Wrong About Divorce You Need To Fix NOW

June 12, 2018

“It takes 2 people to nurture a relationship.”

My favorite quote, “love is something we create and work on; it takes 2 people to nurture and build a relationship” takes the sting away from a marriage gone south. No one can have a relationship by themselves. Your life after divorce is filled with hope whether you’re struggling with what to do after a breakup or not. As you learn how to deal with co-parenting, how to date after divorce and how to get over a breakup you caused, you are well on your way to having excellent coping skills when dealing with divorce. When dealing with life after a breakup, here are 4 things you have wrong about divorce you need to fix now.

Shame: how to get over a breakup you caused

Shame complicates how to get over a breakup you caused. But you’ve got to pull yourself together because no matter what you may be thinking or feeling, it’s not all your fault. Even if you’re the one who cheated. Betrayal does cut deep. It takes a personal commitment to oneself to heal from a spouse who’s had an affair. But it is doable. And, it’s often a gift in disguise.

You know that relationships end for all sorts of reasons and if you were both happy, you wouldn’t be where you are today. That’s a tough pill to swallow. It’s so much easier to remain angry, victimized, and self-righteous than do the healing work. Find help so that over time, you’ll be able to be with someone who won’t hurt you in the future.

You also know that your healing includes owning your part in the breakdown of the marriage. This is where blaming your ex (the one who cheated) gets tough.

What to do after a breakup when the person you once loved hurt you?

I do not prescribe that forgiveness is more important than boundaries. It’s important to heal properly. Healing takes boundaries and a feeling of safety. So how to get over a breakup you caused when you were not the one who cheated? When there was no blatant affair or you were simply unhappy? What do you do then? How do you hold your part in the breakdown of your marriage?

This is where some deep soul searching and personal growth needs to come into order. It’s so much easier to simply swallow the shame and project this image that your ex is all to blame.

But in truth, we all change as we age: hormones, self-care, passion, life-choices begin to catch up with us. And if we’re not responsible for our own well-being and health, then we may lose someone we love.

I write this to encourage you to rethink how you’re living your life. We have to be honest here. Your life after divorce is filled with hope. You have a chance to take ownership and create things you want! But in order to learn how to get over a breakup, you caused, you can’t simply ignore what’s occurred in the past or totally blame your ex

It takes 2 people to nurture any relationship. The self-incrimination or blame needs healing. They can’t stick around or get in too deep without causing long-term pain and suffering.

What to do after a breakup: coping skills when dealing with divorce

So what are you to do? Developing coping skills when dealing with divorce usually look like dating again, engaging in lots of sex or staying in and hiding from sex or waiting out time. It may be a good idea to let some days go by while you do your best to manage the onslaught of feelings that overwhelm your senses. Then again, it may not.

Coping skills when dealing with divorce demand taking care of yourself. Learn how to eat well and exercise to manage the stress. You’ll want to find a counselor and/or coach (they are different and have different roles). You may want to return to work or engage in social activities that don’t include sex. They will help you build a new community and get you out of the house.

Life after divorce is filled with hope

Even when you may feel a bit lost and confused. Even when you may want to hide at home. Hope is necessary to create your life after divorce. You have a wonderful chance to become the kind of person you dream to be.

But, what about being content with where you are? What if you’re the kind of person who wonders why “others can’t love you just the way you are?”

It’s not good to stay stuck in a rut. You’ve got to insert yourself into new things… lose some weight, eat better, learn to cook, learn how to balance a budget, get a job.

You just can’t expect everyone you want to be with to be able to accept you just as you are… we age, our bodies change; unless you’re super lucky, you’ve got to clean up your act to attract a new partner in order to find love and affection, if that’s what you want.

Parenting advice: dealing with co-parenting after divorce

One of the most difficult things about co-parenting after divorce is the on-going anger and resentments. Without some work, you’ll carry a lot of old judgments and expectations into the new family arrangement.

Decide you’re going to figure this out. (News Flash: your friends don’t usually help.) So instead, find a coach and/or a mentor who understands this modern-day rite of passage and can help you heal while simultaneously getting your life in order.

The hardest thing is to keep your feelings in check with your child’s other parent. But decide to be civil and get some coaching on dealing with co-parenting after divorce. It is not easy! It’s also one of the most important lessons you will leave your children.

What if you’re still struggling with what to do after a breakup?

This tells me that your environment may not be healthy enough for changes to stick. Or your coping skills, when dealing with divorce, are in their infancy. You might have Post-Traumatic-Divorce-Disorder ™. Or your friends don’t know how to advise you. (They often don’t.)

You may have tried dating after divorce and yet, you’re disappointed and lonely. The anger and hurt make it tough to let go of the story. It’s not always easy to turn the story around to empowering your life after divorce. It’s hard to shift your habits and practices.

I find it’s not easy to ask for help. It’s tough to make changes stick when they seem so easy on paper (been on a diet recently?!) But with the right environment, everything is attainable.

Decide that your life after divorce is going to be hopeful and filled with new relationships. Or choose to be happily single. Either option works as long as you are happy and content with your life. If you find yourself stuck, reach out! I’ve got your back on these changes and know your life after divorce is hopeful!

Sick Of Feeling Miserable About Your Divorce? Here’s How To Stop Thinking About It For A While

June 5, 2018

Summertime is upon us and for those struggling with the legal and emotional needs of separating from a long-term relationship, you may be anticipating long hours working with your attorney or bemoaning your relationship status. Are you sick of feeling miserable about your divorce? Here’s how to stop thinking about it for a while so that you don’t lose all the sunshine and fun available to you over the next few months.

Feeling miserable about your divorce is to be expected.

It’s natural that you’ll feel the hit. Whether you were the one who wanted out or not. But it’s not so easy to stop thinking about your divorce, even for a little while and this is where frustration and anger come in. No one wants to lose the summer fun we’ve all grown to expect. When you catch everyone up on the latest legal twists and turns of your case, you can ruin a good burger never mind a few friendships.

Here’s how to stop thinking about your divorce for a while.

Focus on those in front of you. Focus on what their lives are all about. Even for just a few minutes. By focusing on other people, you get to let go of your divorce story. Sure, they’re going to ask you a lot of questions – after all, a divorce story is waaaaaaaaay more entertaining than most people’s lives. But sharing it comes at a price: the price of your peace of mind.

Everyone needs the latest details, the gossip, the advice-giving. It becomes its own thing. As the summer unfolds, you’ll find you spend more time catching everyone up on what he or she did or said than actually enjoying your friends at a BBQ.

If you want to feel better, you have to stop thinking about your divorce for a while. Focusing on others is the first step.

Try something new.

Anything new – a new band, a new beach, a new restaurant, new people. Surround yourself with people who didn’t know you when you were married. Let yourself be transported by their lives and what’s going on around you. It’s fun, once you get used to the uncomfortable, “I’m getting out of my comfort zone” sensation.

By trying something new, you not only shift from being miserable about your divorce to the idea that you’re capable of doing anything. Sure, you may only be taking an Indian cooking class, but when was the last time you did something you’ve always wanted to do? When was the last time you took that road trip? Or treated yourself to a beach cabana complete with cocktails for the day?

Recreating your life starts with little steps and big efforts. You must get through those awkward moments to reap the reward of feeling good about yourself again.

If you’re sick of feeling miserable about your divorce, you have to stop thinking about THEM.

When you are consumed with the details, the legalities, the loss, your ex, the person you’re desperately trying to let go of – no matter whether you initiated the separation or not – is the only person on your mind.

This is normal. It is natural but it’s also very destabilizing. You will feel miserable about your state if you continue to be consumed with your ex. In order to stop feeling miserable about your divorce, you have got to stop thinking about them. And it’s not easy!

It takes moment by moment effort to shift your thinking to what’s going on right in front of you. The more you do it, the easier it gets. But you’ll do it over and over again before it feels natural.

Which is why it’s fun to try something totally new! (And forget about something or someone you know a lot about!) Go learn something new. Activate your mind and body and forget about them for a little while.

Be brave

The last thing you will feel is brave. You’ll feel lonely, scared, and angry. But in order to rise to the occasion and actually enjoy everything summer has to offer, you have to. At least at the beginning. It’s not easy to step away from the fight and allow yourself to enjoy something, anything. It’s almost impossible at first. Which is where being brave comes in. You’ll have to make some courage to do all the things I’ve suggested. None of them come easily or naturally.

Instead, you may find yourself reaching for the things you used to do like drinking or using again. I’m not here to preach to you but avoiding your feelings and stuffing them down with old habits, won’t help. They simply prolong the pain. And you will not crumble from pain.

The longer you avoid feeling your feelings and processing what really happened, the longer it’s going to take to feel good. And you risk being stuck with Post Traumatic Divorce Disorder™.

When you’re stuck, you can’t get out of your own way. Everything suffers. You won’t just lose this summer, you’ll lose many summers to come. Unfortunately, most people don’t talk about the risks inherent in not healing from your heartache. People think it just happens or figure, “this is the way things are going to be.” Nothing could be further from the truth.

If you’re sick of feeling miserable about your divorce, you must get into an active practice of healing.

You must bravely face whatever you need to heal. And many people would rather not. Which is fine if that’s what you want. But I think losing more than one summer is way too much time to be miserable.

When we look around, there are plenty of people who would rather feel sorry for themselves than actively pursue something different. I don’t blame them but I do feel sorry for them. No one wants to admit to being a victim but without a bigger context, it is difficult to change. It’s nearly impossible to do so without help.

Healing allows you to fall in love again. It helps you forgive yourself and your part in the breakup. When you make courage you meet new people and do new things. Your life begins to open up again. And you shift your attention from comparing who you used to be with your ex to who you are today. It’s very freeing. And it’s an active practice.

I encourage you to let yourself heal and to stop feeling miserable about your divorce. You are allowed to have a great life. You also need to do the work to get there. (Which in truth can be good fun when you let it be – cabana’s anyone?) So consider joining any of the resources I have to offer on this website and the links below. I know you’re capable of way more than you realize!