Uncategorized

How To Persevere In The Face Of Massive Disappointment

September 4, 2019

It happened again. He left without explanation. She fired a colleague. The weekend with your kids was a bust. How often do we have to face massive disappointments? I wager, all the time! So often in fact, it’s astounding anyone has the energy to keep going. How do you persevere in the face of massive disappointments? Below, I’ll share mine.

My wedding day bliss turned to massive disappointments more than once!

I learned to persevere, to allow love back in not by heading to shore and dry-docking my boat but by allowing myself to get back out there! To love, to enter into marriage is a public declaration that you’re willing to risk being hurt. It’s a creative, bold move. No one casually enters into wedlock. You see, I’m definitely not one to shrink in the face of being bold.

But I dislike disappointments as much as the next person so I’ve had to figure out ways to keep going.

As an actress, I’ve faced thousands more rejections than most. Judged on the color of my hair or my height or the number of wrinkles on my face, those disappointments can add up. They are personal. There’s not much I could do about my height but I also didn’t get to work opposite Tom Cruise because of it.

I’ve learned that to persevere in the face of massive disappointments, you have to be bold.

Pick up the pieces, wipe your tears, pull up your big girl (or guy) pants and get going again. It’s not easy nor is it fair but no matter what you want, you’re responsible for doing your best to get it.

If you’ve fallen in and out of love, having had your heart broken a few times, you may know what I’m talking about. It takes courage to keep going. To go online and start dating again. We hope those risks will pay off.

But what if they don’t? What if you do your best, persevere and decide it’s not worth it. That’s fine! You’ve made your decision for now and I’d tell you to try to accept it.

Unfortunately, disappointments come more often than any of us would like. Because change is omnipresent. Things change all around us all the time. And we don’t like it. I don’t like change anymore than anyone else. It can be tough to keep going. I’m in the midst of a massive change right now with my kids off to college and it is not comfortable.

Disappointments are not wrong. Change is uncomfortable.

So I get up each day and decide to feel good. (It’s not always easy.) And when I decide, I also hope – that it will feel okay to be among new people, doing new things. Sometimes it’s easier than others. Sometimes it stinks but like with falling in love, I don’t stay on shore. I get up and head out, being bold and courageous once again. Because, for me there is no other choice.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker, and advisor to those ready to move their lives forward. For empowering and practical ways to begin anew whether personally or professionally, set up a call here.

Stop being a complainer – how to solve problems instead!

August 7, 2019

A group of frustrated people are looking at a computer screen trying to solve problems together.

How’s that going for you, that complaining? Do you find you’re surrounded by someone who’s frustrated? A complainer? In my experience, I find complainers are everywhere. Then we become a complainer too. So how do go from being frustrated to being someone who can solve problems instead? You challenge yourself to do so.

You cannot afford to become a complainer.

Every single time, you allow those around you to complain without offering a solution, you add to the problem. Even when you’re open to listening to their frustrations. When others whine, moan, suck the air out of the room with their bad dispositions, it stinks for everyone. Everyone’s spirits fall. Then bad behavior follows shortly thereafter.

Instead of frustrated complaining – solve the problems instead!

You’ve got good ideas. Even great ideas. You’re in it… you’re aware of what’s going on. Stop pretending you don’t get it. Moreover, stop pretending no one cares about what you think. They do!

However, what they can’t deal with is the way in which ideas or solutions come to them. Every boss, manager, or owner can tolerate a good brainstorming session to solve problems. They want solutions to the frustrations they don’t even know about! I’ve found that my boss wants my input! They want my creative solutions and they’re grateful for what I bring to meetings.

But what they can’t deal with is a whiner and complainer. They don’t have time for a bitch session. They have time for a thoughtful, measured, excited creative solution instead. My boss craves people around them who’ll help them make things go better. She needs that kind of input.

So, when the urge in you wants to complain, stop the frustration.

Figure out how to do it better. For example, practice what you’ll present to your managers. Then set up a time to talk. Finally, consider how they may react and what questions they may be asking you in response.

How will you answer? Will you become defensive and angry, your ego bruised? Or will you allow the tension to move through you so you can remain measured and thoughtful and solve the problems?

Figure out how to talk about the changes you see and your boss will listen.

A man in a suit sits with his back to the camera looking at two women in a brainstorming session to solve problems.

When you simply complain and vent your frustrations, they will tune you out. Know that. You become another cog in the wheel. (And no one wants to be just another cog in the wheel.) We all have creativity within us to solve problems. To work on solutions and come up with creative, efficient ideas that are easy to put in place.

When you know how to make your problems easier, you become invaluable.

The solutions your team, colleagues, managers and bosses want can only come from you. So take those frustrations and turn those problems around. Make yourself invaluable to others at work by solving the problems you see.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker, and she just joined a new company solving a lot of problems. For empowering and practical ways to begin anew, set up a strategy session here.

Stop being obnoxious! You need to be at work

July 24, 2019

A man and woman happy because they know they are needed at work

As an employee, your desire to play it safe sometimes makes work in general hard to take. Your colleagues, your boss and the enterprise that pays you needs you to stop being obnoxious. You need to be at work for way more than your paycheck. You need to be at work to be a part of something. You also need to be there to grow. Work makes our lives better in more ways than one.

Work makes the person.

A career, a job, a part-time job gives you purpose, hope, a social structure, a paycheck. It puts food on your table, your kids through college, and gives you a place to learn new things. Work matters. No matter what kind of work you do.

Your boss is counting on you. Your colleagues are counting on you.

When you show up, the fabric of the organization is more complete. You’re needed at the place you go to. Most of us spend more hours of the day at work than at home. It matters that you be a part of a group of people participating in something together. Even if you feel as if your role doesn’t play a big part. It does.

Your family needs you to go to work.

It’s not just for the paycheck. They need you to learn new things, speak to other people, and bring home topics to talk about. They need your spirits to be lifted up just as much as they need you to come home grateful to be there.

These days, I notice too many people act as if they’re disposable. They don’t show up at work. Co-workers cancel shifts. Or they quit without warning. Too often, they’re pissed when they are there or they hate what they do.

People act as if they’re un-needed. Un-wanted.

Nothing could be further from the truth. When you don’t show up at work, everyone suffers. Other people have to pick up the slack. Your manager becomes cranky. Colleagues feel put upon and you are missed. Your boss may be over it.

When you don’t show up, you’re being obnoxious and you risk losing your job.

Jobs are plentiful so you may be thinking, ‘so what?’ Well, as someone who employs others and works with others, what you show me when you’re not there with me is that you think you’re better than me. So maybe you’re right, maybe you do think it doesn’t matter.

Or you may feel you’re not wanted or that your boss or colleagues were mean. That you need to take a personal day. I get all that and you may be right! You also may be expecting too much from others.

There are days people are people and they can suck.

There are days when everyone’s moodiness needs a break. You’re also part of the fabric that keeps everyone in check. When you come in ready to work, the feeling is contagious. You can make or break a day.

Your participation can make or break a business.

Not necessarily because you’re the owner or the boss but because you contribute to the spirit. It’s important to get that everyone matters at work. So show up, bring a great attitude, and participate willingly.

Here Are 4 Things You Have Wrong About Divorce You Need To Fix NOW

June 12, 2018

“It takes 2 people to nurture a relationship.”

My favorite quote, “love is something we create and work on; it takes 2 people to nurture and build a relationship” takes the sting away from a marriage gone south. No one can have a relationship by themselves. Your life after divorce is filled with hope whether you’re struggling with what to do after a breakup or not. As you learn how to deal with co-parenting, how to date after divorce and how to get over a breakup you caused, you are well on your way to having excellent coping skills when dealing with divorce. When dealing with life after a breakup, here are 4 things you have wrong about divorce you need to fix now.

Shame: how to get over a breakup you caused

Shame complicates how to get over a breakup you caused. But you’ve got to pull yourself together because no matter what you may be thinking or feeling, it’s not all your fault. Even if you’re the one who cheated. Betrayal does cut deep. It takes a personal commitment to oneself to heal from a spouse who’s had an affair. But it is doable. And, it’s often a gift in disguise.

You know that relationships end for all sorts of reasons and if you were both happy, you wouldn’t be where you are today. That’s a tough pill to swallow. It’s so much easier to remain angry, victimized, and self-righteous than do the healing work. Find help so that over time, you’ll be able to be with someone who won’t hurt you in the future.

You also know that your healing includes owning your part in the breakdown of the marriage. This is where blaming your ex (the one who cheated) gets tough.

What to do after a breakup when the person you once loved hurt you?

I do not prescribe that forgiveness is more important than boundaries. It’s important to heal properly. Healing takes boundaries and a feeling of safety. So how to get over a breakup you caused when you were not the one who cheated? When there was no blatant affair or you were simply unhappy? What do you do then? How do you hold your part in the breakdown of your marriage?

This is where some deep soul searching and personal growth needs to come into order. It’s so much easier to simply swallow the shame and project this image that your ex is all to blame.

But in truth, we all change as we age: hormones, self-care, passion, life-choices begin to catch up with us. And if we’re not responsible for our own well-being and health, then we may lose someone we love.

I write this to encourage you to rethink how you’re living your life. We have to be honest here. Your life after divorce is filled with hope. You have a chance to take ownership and create things you want! But in order to learn how to get over a breakup, you caused, you can’t simply ignore what’s occurred in the past or totally blame your ex

It takes 2 people to nurture any relationship. The self-incrimination or blame needs healing. They can’t stick around or get in too deep without causing long-term pain and suffering.

What to do after a breakup: coping skills when dealing with divorce

So what are you to do? Developing coping skills when dealing with divorce usually look like dating again, engaging in lots of sex or staying in and hiding from sex or waiting out time. It may be a good idea to let some days go by while you do your best to manage the onslaught of feelings that overwhelm your senses. Then again, it may not.

Coping skills when dealing with divorce demand taking care of yourself. Learn how to eat well and exercise to manage the stress. You’ll want to find a counselor and/or coach (they are different and have different roles). You may want to return to work or engage in social activities that don’t include sex. They will help you build a new community and get you out of the house.

Life after divorce is filled with hope

Even when you may feel a bit lost and confused. Even when you may want to hide at home. Hope is necessary to create your life after divorce. You have a wonderful chance to become the kind of person you dream to be.

But, what about being content with where you are? What if you’re the kind of person who wonders why “others can’t love you just the way you are?”

It’s not good to stay stuck in a rut. You’ve got to insert yourself into new things… lose some weight, eat better, learn to cook, learn how to balance a budget, get a job.

You just can’t expect everyone you want to be with to be able to accept you just as you are… we age, our bodies change; unless you’re super lucky, you’ve got to clean up your act to attract a new partner in order to find love and affection, if that’s what you want.

Parenting advice: dealing with co-parenting after divorce

One of the most difficult things about co-parenting after divorce is the on-going anger and resentments. Without some work, you’ll carry a lot of old judgments and expectations into the new family arrangement.

Decide you’re going to figure this out. (News Flash: your friends don’t usually help.) So instead, find a coach and/or a mentor who understands this modern-day rite of passage and can help you heal while simultaneously getting your life in order.

The hardest thing is to keep your feelings in check with your child’s other parent. But decide to be civil and get some coaching on dealing with co-parenting after divorce. It is not easy! It’s also one of the most important lessons you will leave your children.

What if you’re still struggling with what to do after a breakup?

This tells me that your environment may not be healthy enough for changes to stick. Or your coping skills, when dealing with divorce, are in their infancy. You might have Post-Traumatic-Divorce-Disorder ™. Or your friends don’t know how to advise you. (They often don’t.)

You may have tried dating after divorce and yet, you’re disappointed and lonely. The anger and hurt make it tough to let go of the story. It’s not always easy to turn the story around to empowering your life after divorce. It’s hard to shift your habits and practices.

I find it’s not easy to ask for help. It’s tough to make changes stick when they seem so easy on paper (been on a diet recently?!) But with the right environment, everything is attainable.

Decide that your life after divorce is going to be hopeful and filled with new relationships. Or choose to be happily single. Either option works as long as you are happy and content with your life. If you find yourself stuck, reach out! I’ve got your back on these changes and know your life after divorce is hopeful!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com.

Does The Thought Of Your Ex Fill You With Rage? 9 Empowering Ways To Deal With Anger & Move On

February 27, 2018

I’m a big fan of anger. I like how it feels as it moves through my body. There’s that adrenaline rush, the momentum, the feelings of power and invincibility. I like all I’m able to accomplish when my anger is focused and directed toward a greater good. But I also know the toll it takes on me. How coming off anger or in this case, rage occurred only when I was good and ready. It was much harder than I like to admit. Does the thought of your ex fill you with rage? Here are 9 empowering ways to deal with anger and move on.

The feelings of anger and rage.

When I experienced this sort of intensity toward the man I once called my best friend and lover, it was an upsetting and confusing time. Here I was, caught up in something I loved feeling while being made useless by the after-effects of the high. Does the thought of your ex fill you with rage? I’ve got your back!

Perspective: here are 9 empowering ways to deal with anger and move on.

Coping with divorce is difficult enough without the heightened betrayal, broken promises, forgotten agreements and unspoken expectations. I hold myself to a high standard, I show up in integrity so when I find myself at the effects of others’ stuff in any part of my life, I have little room for frustration and can easily lose it.

Remembering that every partnership requires spoken and unspoken agreements applies to marriages and being lovers. When trust is broken and you can no longer believe the person you once called yours, a suitable reaction is to become defensive and angry.

(News Flash: I’d like to remind you at this point in our discussion, that two people in agreement and willing to maintain their trust rarely, if ever, end things…)

So don’t expect that you’re going to be able to easily handle unexpected news during discovery or trial. When you see your lost dreams spelled out in black and white, you’re probably not going to remain serene, graceful, and generous. When you have the expectation that being pissed off and in full-blown rage is appropriate, it’ll be a lot easier for you to handle. Every fiber of your being is going to become activated to protect and defend your place in the world.

Childhood lessons: feeling your feelings.

You’ve got to feel the feelings. If you’re one of those people who was taught that experiencing anger was a bad thing, you’re going to have a tough time dealing with the intensity of the rage as you try to figure out how to get over your breakup. You’ll find yourself judging your ex, your family, God, your career, the town you live in and the choices you’ve made. The anger is going to get misplaced: into your eating or drinking habits, the way you spend money, the way you pull in and try to hide your imperfect self from your friends. There’s nothing worse than being raised with some foolish idea that anger is a bad thing.

Anger:

This feeling has created the biggest and the best. It’s won wars. Anger has pushed people out of their comfort zones. Made heroes out of men. Saved lives, rescued animals, protected the environment and unfortunately, hurt some at the same time.

You need to get to know your anger. Become friends with it. Learn to channel that rage to help you solve your problems. Want to know the details of her affair? Use your anger. Need to understand where all the money went? Anger will propel you to hire a Private Eye. Need to understand how long the drugs have been part of your marriage? Anger’s a great place to start an intervention. What about all the lies, cheating, stealing… you won’t get anywhere if you sit still and pretend you can handle the news.

Anger will propel you into action and give you permission to make courage.

But if you don’t learn how to channel it, it’ll also hurt you. Remember when you were a child and you were told (hopefully) that you could feel your feelings but not harm yourself, another person, animals or property? In other words, you could cry, scream, yell, run out in a field, get on a bicycle and ride, go to a gym, run on that treadmill, play your music loud, do sports, and basically get the energy out any which way you needed to without hurting anyone or anything?

That’s what anger allows you to do – you use it to get into action and to solve your problems!

Healing from your anger:

If you didn’t get that lesson and anger is supposed to be shoved down with food or alcohol, drugs and cigarettes then you’ve been set up for illness, disease, unhappiness, and some bad self-care habits.

Perhaps rage was a no-no and you were told never to raise your voice or step up to defend yourself against an unjust accusation, then the thought of your ex is going to be tough to deal with. It’ll haunt you as you try to move forward with your separation.

Get to know what it feels like to channel this energy:

You are so much stronger and more capable than you think! I give you permission to channel your thoughts and energy into solving your problems.

Take that fuel and use it to figure out how to get a job, start a new career, master the tech gremlins and put your pictures online or learn to live within a budget so that you’re no longer in debt or beholden to another’s fickle feelings.

When you think about your ex, plan on experiencing a variety of feelings including rage. You have to expect it’s going to go on like this for awhile. There’s blame you’re going to want to place on them. Blame, you’re going to have to take on for yourself too. Divorce doesn’t happen between two healthy people equipped with excellent communication skills and top-notch intimacy.

Divorce is inherently a betrayal problem and betrayals cause us to defend our turf.

The problems come when you’ve forgotten what it’s like to create a new life, wake up with excitement (and fear) and still get going. You’ve found yourself on the other side of negotiation and still are upset? Be wary of Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™ it’ll keep you stuck in anger for many, many years if you let it.

Control:

If you’re still in a rage over what happened, then it’s time to just stop and get still. Consider how much control you’ve ever really had. I suspect not much. Wonder how much you can control your children, never mind time, aging, the judicial system, and the law? Probably slim to none now. And how much time have you put into trying to? I mean, I can barely control my hair on any given day never mind what my kids do in school or what my ex was doing while we were married. How the heck can I expect myself to handle my future without taking a break from the overwhelming and self-righteous anger? So I did.

It’s your choice:

I chose to get over my rage because there came a time when I was sick and tired of being angry. I couldn’t handle the rush any longer. The over-stimulation. The fists clenched, and the TMJ at night. I didn’t recognize the person I had to become to negotiate my settlement, figure out how to run my home, live in NYC with two kids on my own, and create a new career halfway through my life after not working for quite some time.

It was the fuel of anger that carved out this new me.

But it also began to take its toll. I knew if I didn’t stop these feelings, that I was going to prematurely age. Something had to give and I was the only one who could make that happen. The day got better because I stopped waking up dreading it. I didn’t like how I was meeting my kids with exhaustion and fear, I didn’t like that every day felt like the one before, and I couldn’t imagine going on day after day with this same sort of dread and frustration.

What I did:

I decided to take a leap of faith and let go of trying to control everything and everyone. So, I immersed myself in the community. Took a risk to trust others again.
A decision: I was going to stop pushing myself and see what happened.
I was going to give the ex, the benefit of the doubt knowing that if push came to shove, it would fall in my lap anyway.
Chose to be pleasant. Not because anyone was deserving, but because I liked myself that way better.
I decided that if I was going to be in NYC, I had better start exploring it again.
No one is perfect. I figured that if I was going to have a future relationship with my kids, I’d better stop expecting them to show up perfect too.

It’s better for me and my life experience to have faith and to trust – to regain the very things broken by my heartache and loss.

I didn’t decide to have faith and trust because all of sudden what happened didn’t matter, I decided to take the risk because the alternative became unbearable. I will never forget. But I no longer need to define myself by that experience.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.