Single Moms

It’s OK To Hate Yourself For Yelling At Your Kids As A Single Mom, Just Not Forever

October 5, 2018

Most parents experience tremendous stress going from being married to being single parents. They hope is that the transition will be easy for everyone involved. The reality is a lot more difficult. The crisis point is difficult to navigate. Too often tempers are hot and parents and kids say a lot of things they wish they could take back. It’s OK to hate yourself for yelling at your kids as a single mom, just not forever.

You’re going to make a lot of mistakes between now and when they reach adulthood.

I was nervous. We sat with the kids on the couch united in our facts and story. We were telling them we had decided to end the marriage. Dad was moving to a new home and they’d see him without me. We each held our breath as first one, one then the other child, experienced the reverberations of what they heard. It was no different for me as a child when I heard my dad wasn’t coming home to live with me again. I burst into tears.

The fear of losing your child’s loyalty equals their fear of losing your love.

Navigating this time period isn’t easy for anyone. Therapists, MD’s, and attorneys all worry about the effects an acrimonious fight can have on a child’s relationship with the other parent. Kids panic and being abandoned begins to play out in their fears. GoodTherapy.org writes “Abandonment fear often stems from childhood loss. This loss could be related to a traumatic event, such as the loss of a parent through death or divorce. It can also come from not getting enough physical or emotional care. These early childhood experiences can lead to a fear of being abandoned by others later in life.”

One doesn’t know where to begin parenting by themselves, never mind manage their own tempers and feelings.

Yelling at your kids as a single mom is the kind of stress that makes the best single mom fearful of making a wrong move. You find yourself questioning everything you’re doing. I know that I did. Petrified of messing up and saying the wrong things, it was a scary time. My feelings were all over the place and the stakes were high. I recall asking several therapists and my babysitter/social worker if I crossed the line when I got angry and raised my voice. Their advice: yelling at your kids as a single mom is OK as long as you keep the yelling to what is going on. Not making personal attacks or comments about the other parent. Phew.

Then they advised… I clean it up. Yelling at your kids as a single mom is one thing, cleaning up the anger and hurt feelings is totally another. These are the moments you get to fix what you messed up. And you begin to rebuild faith in each others’ undying commitment toward safety and security. I had to learn to love rebuilding mess-ups.

Repairing the mess-up gives you a chance to not hate yourself for yelling at your kids.

Knowing being a child in divorce isn’t easy, I learned to respect my imperfections as a single mom. As a child, you truly don’t know what is up and where you’re safe. If both parents are running hot, if each drop-off and pick-up is filled with fighting, a child is going to want to stay away from both of you. Even kids who don’t demonstrate their fear or frustration may be experiencing a ton of stress. After all, they didn’t ask for this breakup.

It may not be easy for you to admit to yelling at your kids as a single mom. It’s not easy for me to publicly admit it now. I remember how it felt when my overworked, stressed out single mom yelled at me and my brothers and sisters. But what I do know, when a single mom (or dad) keeps the yelling clean – not bad-mouthing the other parent, not forcing a child to choose (parental alienation) and not making a child’s life impossible, all will be forgiven.

It’s OK to hate yourself for yelling at your kids as a single mom, just not forever.

What’s better as a single mom, is learning how to repair the damage your anger caused. To reach out and extend that olive branch by taking your children aside and one by one admit to them you messed up. Despite being a kid who was once in their shoes, I had to learn how to repair the relationship with my kids. It wasn’t as hard as I expected it to be.

Taking time to rebuild your relationship with a child you’ve hurt teaches them how to move forward with humility and generosity.

My kids were my greatest teacher. When we, as parents, move in with apologies, we open up a chance for a child to learn how to forgive. We all mess up. Every one of us makes mistakes and as parents, we have a chance to teach our children how to navigate those moments.

Once I realized that yelling at my kids as a single mom was actually an opportunity to forge wholeheartedness, no, I didn’t actually continue yelling… I actually began to calm down. I learned that no matter what, my kids trusted me. They knew I loved them and I knew they were loyally next to me. Not in a way that alienated their father, not that. But in a way that even though as a parent, I had messed up, by getting divorced from their dad, they still loved and accepted me. We were still on the same team.

By yelling at my kids, I had to pause, self-reflect, and learn some new skills at compromise.

I had to show up and speak up. By listening to their feelings and concerns, I had to face my own fears and desires. As a result, we’ve been able to build a stronger bond of trust. In many ways, yelling at my kids as a single mom brought me and my kids closer together. They learned the valuable gift of forgiveness. Despite it all, my fear of messing up taught them about humility, courage, and how to start over again no matter what the circumstances. There was no need for me to hate myself forever after giving us all such gifts.

Staring Down The Married Moms In The PTA, Sports Games & Carpool Line. You Got This Sister

August 29, 2018

Being a single mom isn’t easy. There are days when handling all the chores, balancing so many different roles, and managing the responsibilities can take out the strongest. Then there’s school and all that school brings with it including, other moms. Married moms. Staring down the married moms in the PTA, sports games & carpool line makes Bad Moms (the movie) look tame to those in real life. As school approaches and you’re at it again, let me remind you, you got this sister!

No matter what the environment, being a single mom brings up a lot of self-consciousness.

But the schoolyard dance is especially uncomfortable. You’re acutely aware of sticking out like a sore thumb. You wonder if everyone else is noticing how you stand on one side of the schoolyard while your kids’ other parent is on the other. Paying attention to his friends, you’re acutely aware of those who no longer say hello to you at school meetings. You study how teachers interact with him versus how they interact with you. When other single moms cozy up to him, you make a mental note to stay away. The comparison is never-ending. The alarm bells, loud.

The hardest part about being a single mom is being on constant alert.

So the schoolyard dance is not fun. On top of all that, you’re also comparing yourself to those married women. You muse whether they’re truly happy at home. You look for signs of discontentment when you see both parents together – a cold shoulder, a peck goodbye, a shrug and some dismissive sign of fighting. It’s almost as if you hope they’re not happy because inside it feels so awkward to be among other married couples.

The hardest part about being a single mom around married moms is that you don’t recognize yourself.

It’s not the married mom’s fault you’re divorcing (unless, perhaps, they slept with your husband). It’s not their fault they like the guy and maybe, never got along with you. Married moms are in their own worlds dealing with their own stuff just the way you are. They may even feel a twinge of jealousy as they imagine you’re out there dating and meeting great men!

But the thoughts and feelings coursing through you are what makes the entire thing so weird. On the one hand, you’re desperate for those friendships and being part of the PTA crowd just so you feel as if you belong somewhere and that someone will talk with you again. On the other, you simply can’t care about what they think. You can’t care about what anyone thinks anymore. So you pull in and hide afraid that if they saw the depth of your pain, they’d reject you anyway.

On occasion, there’s a married mom who gets it. Perhaps she’s been in your shoes and is now happily remarried. Perhaps she’s just wise and judicious and can handle the conflict between you and your ex but is emotionally mature enough to overlook the fight and to keep you balanced, happy, and involved at school. Those moms are worth hanging onto without using them to dump on! Those are the married moms you want to emulate. No matter what might be going on in their own homes.

How to make being a single mom work.

Heading back to the school meetings and gossip-filled schoolyard you’re going to need a few new rules to put in place.

Leave the gossip at home. Don’t bring it into the PTA meeting or parent-teacher meeting. Keep gossip out of the classroom. By doing so, you’re not putting fuel on an already smoking fire.

Being a single mom with your child’s other parent.

Include your child’s father in all conversations. I know this one is particularly hard for all sorts of reasons. But the longer you separate parent-teacher meetings or stand away from him in the parking lot, the longer the awkwardness is.

You don’t have to be his friend. I advise you not talk about your dating or the struggles at home. You simply need to stand close enough so that others don’t have to wonder and ask about how the fight is going. When you don’t give them any ammunition, you appear gracious and kind. Even if inside you’re angrier than a bee stuck in a bonnet!

I’m not always gracious and kind. I aspire to be but sometimes it’s really tough. However, I do my best to generate some semblance of courteousness so that I can hold my head high around my peers. So, I would wave but not necessarily sit next to my kids’ dad at the football games. I made sure that I volunteered in the snack shed on the days he didn’t so we wouldn’t have to work together but I always served him his food with a thank you. And, we attended parent-teacher meetings so that when we had to complain about a Dean, we were a united front.

You see, I’ve been a single mom in the schoolyard for a long time! I know this isn’t easy but if I can spare you some mistakes, you’ll thank me. So let’s continue sister – you’ve got this!

How to make being a single mom work even when it’s really difficult.

That need to whine, complain, and panic has to be kept between you and your therapist or coach. Not dumped on other single moms or onto the married moms. If you do, you’ll most likely outgrow and/or lose those women as your friends.

I live in a big city so there are a lot of women around me. But, honestly, I lost every single friendship I had with other women at my kids’ school because of dumping on them. I’m not being dramatic. Being super involved (super mom) in my kids’ school had me involved with all the parents. But today, none of them are my friends. None of them call. I never socialize with any of them anymore including the ones who were at my home every week. And it’s because I could not control myself around them during my divorce.

I share this with you because chances are you’re in a small community. You’re among the same people you’ve known for years. And the school years add up to 12 or 14 years by the time you’re all done. You’re going to want to remain friends with these women! You’re going to need them in your life. So, practice some discipline around them…

Staring down the married moms who’ve known you a long time.

When you leave home to go to the school events, plan what you’re going to talk about.

When you volunteer, think about who’s going to be there and remember a few details about their lives that you can focus on. Let them be the ones who are doing the talking!

Compartmentalize your fear before leaving the house and remind yourself no one at school can really help you while they’re parenting their own kids. Instead, watch your kids, notice other children or read a book at the playground. Enjoy those precious moments. It’ll give you a chance to think about something other than all the stuff you’ve got going on.

When another mom (married or single) asks how you’re doing (cuz they will if you’re not volunteering information) simply use these phrases: “today isn’t a good day” if that’s the case or “today’s a good day” and do your best to leave it at that.

If you do find you’ve over-shared, pick up the phone or send a text and apologize for leaking. Thank them for listening and offer not to do so again in the future.

Remember, you’ll not do any of this perfectly. There will be days you’ll mess up royally and vent, cry, show signs of weariness, and panic. You’ll do all that even when you’re feeling secure and strong. But, if you apologize, you offer some grace and those married moms especially will witness the courage and fortitude you’re creating in the midst of a really tough time.

Staring down the married moms who can see through all your B.S.

One last thought: going through a divorce is tough. You can’t lie about that either. Those married moms are interested, they are watching you. They’re wondering how you’re doing if your finances are in order if the kids are healthy if you’re thin and dating… they are watching, comparing, assessing you as you work your way through a divorce they may (or may not) be considering. You are their teacher!

So, you can’t pretend that it’s not hard. You simply can’t leak and leak, leak. Their lives are not your lives and you can’t get upset that their lives seem less chaotic at the moment. You truly have no idea of what’s really going on.

You must be gracious. Kind. Interested in them as if you’ve got this. Those statements: “today isn’t a good day” “today is a good day” are as truthful as you want to get. When you use them, you show an emotional maturity those married moms might not have. They permit emotionally safe boundaries. They help you remain the parent at the moment, a peer among married moms instead of a lady who’s losing it out of fear and panic. Those statements help you remain poised. They are the line between over-sharing and remaining in control.

You need these skills right now! Your life is not a reality TV show. Your life is worth being respected. You’re worth admiring no matter what went down to end your marriage. Staring down the married moms in the PTA or at the sports games is much easier with a few guidelines and memorized answers to the questions you get at school. When you follow these simple (not easy) directives, you’ll feel confident you got this sister!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, join Laura’s Daily Inspiration: https://www.laurabonarrigo.com/inspiration.

Juicy Things No One Ever Tells You About Life Being A Sexy Single Mom

July 24, 2018

I doubt you planned on being a single mom. At least not one who would be home with kids (of all ages) and then be interested in dating and having sex. Being a sexy single mom, you may question how to parent responsibly and have a personal life. Especially if you’re the one with primary custody and little time to herself. The struggle to be a sexy, single mom is real but it’s also doable. Here are juicy things no one ever tells you about life as a single mom and having sex that will help you put some of this into perspective.

Dating as a single mom interested in having sex.

MILF… the title introduced to me as a divorced mom. For those of you unsure of what this means, it means, a “mom I’d like to f – ck.” Who knew?! I felt utterly naive. With that title came a lot of come-ons… men, young enough to be my sons hitting on me at networking events, men with pregnant wives needing a little attention, men who expected sex with first date cocktails, and men who simply expected I’d choose them just… well, because. It was a whole new world.

Dating as a single mom negated one very big part of my life: my children. Their well-being, their safety, their happiness, the changes they were going through, and the pain they were reconciling with. Not a single one of those MILF seeking men considered my kids. Of course, they didn’t. And for that reason, none of them got me into bed. Because my kids came first.

The struggle with being a single mom who wants sex.

Most divorced parents do their best to balance personal needs and desires with parenting. I’ve seen all sorts of behavior and am not here to judge. The woman who can enjoy casual sex while her kids are in school or with their other parent is as empowered to me as those who choose to stay home, quiet, feeling the feels, and not getting involved with men. Each is a winner in my book!

When a mom hides her sexual life, she is in a way, protecting her children. It only seems natural to not want to share that part of our personalities with our kids. After all, most married parents don’t share this part of their relationship with their children either, so it feels like the right thing to do.

The hard part comes when there are no boundaries. That’s when the struggle to balance mothering with being a sexy single mom again becomes real. You have to figure out how to make being a single mom work around having sex without your child getting involved with your love life. You have to manage childcare with intercourse, dating with diapers, and “uncle so and so” with questions about why he’s in bed with you in the morning. None of this is easy.

It’s empowering to figure out how to be a sexy single mom.

I have found that women, moms, are pretty creative people! You really can have it all, it just takes a little more effort and finesse than you might be used to.

Being a sexy single mom, hopefully, you’ve got some support – their father is a great place to start with secure childcare. No dad around? How about a family member or exchanging babysitting with another mom in your same position? Ask a young teacher at school or find a neighborhood teen who wants to earn some money. The effort to find competent childcare is real but not doing so and inviting your children into your sex life, cannot be an option. So find someone to help you!

Being a single mom, you have needs and desires.

Once childcare is arranged you can remember your sexy single self for a while. However, even when you no longer need to play the role of mom, your desires may need a little coaxing to come out. This may take a bit longer than when you were young and single.

You may need to plan a little more self-care time prepping with a bath, some oils, a cute outfit, and a fun evening to look forward to.

You may need to have your hormones checked! We assume feeling randy is natural (and it is) but if you’re new to dating again, you may want to visit your MD and have a full checkup to make the experience less daunting.

You may need to leave your home! Feeling sexy in the same place where you’re the disciplinarian, grocery shopper, diaper changing, the meal prepping parent may not allow you to easily remember your Tantra yoga moves.

You may need to set up some new guidelines to keep your life simple:

no one young enough to be your son
maybe not in your bed at home
stay away from those who smoke, drink, or use (role modeling and all matters)
forget those who don’t have a job or a place to call their own
be careful of men who may hit on your teenage daughter

Of course, when you’re turned on, a little tipsy, out with your girlfriends or at an event, all rules may be thrown to the wind. But it’ll feel pretty awkward in the light of day when some guy (young enough to be your son) steps over toys coming out of your bedroom and expects you to make him breakfast… So guidelines are a good thing to help avoid the post-sex vulnerability hangover. Not having them just complicates things.

A single mom wants sex…

Sure you do. Of course, you do! Please have sex if that’s what you want. Just don’t make things any more complicated than they have to be.

Separate your life. Be a mom here, a lover there. Keep your sensual, sexual side away from your parenting. Not because you’re not allowed to have both, but because your kids won’t like it. When our kids don’t like certain aspects of our personalities, they make our lives difficult.

Teenagers do not want to know that their sexy single mom is having sex.

Your teenagers truly do not want to know about your casual sex life. They don’t want to see you all dressed up and tipsy hanging onto the arm of a cute stranger. Your teenage daughter doesn’t want to compete with you for the car or to sit home with her younger siblings while you spend the night somewhere else. And they don’t want to see someone they barely know coming out of your bedroom in the morning. They want you to be their mother.

Don’t play the fool.

Do not fool yourself into thinking that your teenagers can handle your sex life. They can’t. Your young adults can’t either. In fact, your children, no matter what age, do not want to know about your sexy, single side. That is your secret.

When parents, single moms, mix the two: parenting with their sexy, single side – things get truly messy. I can’t stress this enough. You can have your sex. (Please do if it’s important to you.) Just don’t involve your kids.

Kids, traditionally born into wedlock, just don’t get it.

All kids have a hard enough time dealing with their parents’ divorce, adding intimacy on top of that blurs their roles. Unfortunately, when that happens, they’ll lose respect for you! They will feel insecure and hurt if your latest lover leaves and then have to start all over again when a new one comes into their lives. They will make your life miserable if they don’t like your newest crush. And they won’t trust love themselves as a result.

These are not lessons a single mom wants to teach her kids. Too many teens or young adults are forced into participating in their mom’s sexy, single side and it’s simply not fair. They’re not the ones who need to be the chaperone. And when the roles get mixed up, they will resent the parent who does so. It’s not worth it.

Being a sexy single mom is awesome and juicy!

It truly is. You know what you know about men, being hurt, having fun. You know how to parent and run your home. You’ve figured out what kind of man is safe. And you know your body. Now it’s time to play within the proper boundaries keeping that part of your personality separate so that you can enjoy some fun while keeping the respect you’ve worked so hard to get from your kids.

I can’t wait to hear how it goes!

The Hardest Part About Being A Single Mom (& How To Deal With It)

April 27, 2018

Being a single mom

Being a single mom, you want to be happy and provide a safe home but usually, don’t know how to keep yourself feeling positive, don’t really believe you will be happy and don’t know how to deal with providing for everything you know you need for your kids.

The hardest part about being a single mom is knowing that hope and dreams are possible even in the face of tremendous fear.

The way to deal with that part is to surround yourself with those who feel the same way. Your community, including your children, are the seeds of possibility. What’s the hardest part about being a single mom? Finding the right kind of people who will help you make your future dreams come true.

Leaving a marriage, there’s always this combination of fear and excitement whether you wanted out or not.

Both are valid – the dreams pull you out of marriage, the fears keep you from falling fast. Most women just want to be happy and be able to provide a safe home. They want to rush to the end of the story. But they don’t know how to keep themselves feeling positive. They don’t believe they’ll be truly happy with all of the stress. They don’t know how to provide financially for themselves way too often, and they’re worried about their kids.

For many single moms, those dreams usually include (fingers crossed) a new home filled with hope, joy, even happiness if possible. Maybe a new lover. A place for dreams to come true. However, in the beginning, chaos and confusion typically reign as a single mom does her very best to set up a new home for her children.

The familiar rules which kept two adults parenting together fall away in the face of just kids and mom. There’s this intense sense of not knowing what’s going on or what to do first. One of the hardest parts of being a single mom is believing that you’ve got this. Even amid the fear. That you and your children will manage, figure things out, and even thrive.

Chaos and confusion are at the root of what it takes to create a home filled with hope and dreams. You cannot create possibility out of a broken framework. A marriage between a mother and father that didn’t hold together is a broken framework. So at first, you will feel as if everything is falling apart and you don’t know what you’re doing. And you don’t. Actually, you can’t. Your kids don’t know what to expect and neither do you.

Happiness and joy come out of that chaos.

Without it, you can’t begin to create your new home. Your new home is built on top of this new family structure, and together you and your children, are the ones who have to make it work. And that’s never easy.

To believe in possibility, new dreams, even new love requires accepting how to deal with this part of separation. You will be in chaos and confusion until you accept and deal with recreating your rules, boundaries, and self-discipline in the face of pain, upset, expenses, and single-parenting. The moment is difficult. I wish I could tell you differently.

I have found that those who set up any other unrealistic expectations in their new household, any sort of perfection really, like some super strict “family rule” guidelines, are setting themselves up for denial and dysfunction.

No one goes through a divorce without having to deal with their broken hearts.

Not adults. Not children. And perfection or guidelines requiring 100% compliance without compassion fall short of dealing.

Surrounding yourself with people who not only grasp this reality but also support your efforts to deal with it, by letting you, is paramount. You cannot do it alone. You also cannot do it the way you used to when you were married and supposedly in a good place.

That looks like leaning into new friends, finding a new community filled with compassion instead of judgment, and being with those who understand what you’re up against.

Creating hope and possibility out of a broken heart is the stuff dreams are made of.

Because creating hope and possibility out of the old set of rules, listening to the old criticism and being immersed in self-incrimination, judgment or despair doesn’t work.

To develop emotional resilience and hope means (breathe in now) that you have to take a step away from your past and surround yourself with faith in possibility. No matter what you may be thinking, this kind of faith demands acceptance and compassion.

Forgiveness even. It has more to do with a bigger perspective, filled with possibility than it has to do with hanging onto what you’ve known or are used to from the past.

This takes faith and courage.

But it’s not just faith and courage. It’s saying no to answering every single text 24/7 no matter how difficult it is to resist. It’s about letting a few things slide (in my home, kids aren’t required to make their beds anymore). It’s about a no-lying policy at my house. It’s about deleting those who are critical of me and my parenting style from my contact list no matter how many memories we once shared. It was about allowing myself to change how I parent as a single mom instead of taking on a more limiting set of rules and guidelines. In fact, it was all about opening up to the possibility. A bigger perspective.

Faith, courage, action steps.

In the chaos and confusion inherent in the lifestyle shift, you may be unsure of how to do these things despite trying your hardest. That’s where finding a new community becomes mandatory. Honestly, I would not be where I am today without my new support structure. I’m not saying to get rid of those who are your champions. However, I am saying, quite emphatically, in fact, to find a new group to help you on your way to your life filled with dreams.

In order to find a new support structure, you step into faith.

And, it takes courage to do just that. As you start your new lifestyle as a single mom, you’ll most likely, pull-in. You’ll be ashamed, scared, unsure even though you’re doing your best. But trusting others is the furthest thing from your mind. I totally get that! The hardest part of being a single mom is to believe you’re worthy of a new group of positive, kind, compassionate people. When you look for them though, they may be hard to see.

I had to look a long time. Unfortunately, it took a while, filled with trial and error, to find my new community. I thought it looked like my old life, my old kind of friends, my old type of lovers. Boy, was I wrong!

Looking for a new support structure.

Surrounding yourself with compassionate, supportive, action-oriented, that kind of kick in your butt with love sort of support doesn’t come naturally when you’re feeling alone and isolated in chaos and confusion. It takes some work. So don’t give up!

Try not to confuse that effort with falling in love or getting that promotion at work. Or even getting away from that other parent however much that is driving you. Those steps are a part of the overall healing but not the kind of support that will help you develop true faith and courage in yourself as a single mom. In some ways, those steps are like candy.

Or they’re the sprinkles on the frosting, not the ingredients of a dream life. Only those who have been where you are will know that. At first, it’s easy to get confused by distractions.

At first, the hardest part about being a single mom is going to be the self-discipline to find a part of you willing and able to shift.

To realize that even with all the work you’ve done being a single mom (and I know you’ve done a ton of work already) there’s still room for more. And you’re worthy of opening up to it. You’re even worthy of having your dreams made possible. And you’re especially worthy of happiness and love.

If you’re willing to take a good look at the chaos and confusion you’re in, and ready to step into the possibility of being happy, delighted even with your life, join me in doingdivorce™ School. Because I’ve built this school on compassion and acceptance – the very ingredients you need to make your dreams come true.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

3 Things To Do When You’re Struggling With Being A Single Mom

March 23, 2018

3 Things To Do When You're Struggling With Being A Single Mom Being a single mom is so much more than the cliché about the workload and loneliness. Despite the jokes and complaints, it’s not easy playing both parenting roles. I liken it to being on the frontier… courageously moving your family forward through hardship and exhaustion. Though this time, it’s the frontier of your life. This is the opportunity to forge ahead creating new relationships with your kids and a life you can call your own. Here are 3 things to do when you’re struggling with being a single mom.

When you shut your front door and turn to parenting your children, no one else can truly understand what you’re dealing with. I would never profess to truly grasp the dynamics in your home. But there are a few things I continually hear from single moms on how they handle the unfairness of certain situations and what to do about them.

The hardest piece seems to come into play when a single mom can’t communicate with her children’s other parent is. This sets up both parents for disappointment and frustration. The #1 complaint of single moms, is when dads don’t show up when they say they’re going to. (News Flash: I get this works both ways!) When children don’t get to see their other parent, moms are stuck cleaning up the mess. And that’s hard, especially when anticipating a day or an evening off from frontier work.

Sometimes, single moms will state the obvious, justifying spending more time with their children as a way to smooth over unpleasant feelings. But having a break is a required parenting skill. And way too often divorced parents depend upon the other parent to help pick up the slack and give a necessary night off.

When a divorced dad doesn’t show up, it sets women up to feel the #2 complaint – the sense of “having to do it all” and single moms with kids are tired of “doing it all”.

(I have also found given some time, usually, that divorced dad does come around and wants to help but sometimes it’s too late. The feeling that she has to do it all has become the foundation of how she parents.) When that happens, she’ll start trying to micro-manage how dad spends time with the kids.

Usually, this simply devolves into a horrible fight and the kids are left with two angry parents who don’t live in the same house but regardless, irritate one another. It’s no wonder kids don’t want to spend time with either parent.

It also sets moms up to wonder who he’s spending time with and down she goes into the rabbit hole of the #3 concern, “why am I not dating?” The fact that most kids still spend the majority of time living with their moms doesn’t help this feeling. It truly doesn’t seem fair that the work falls on moms’ shoulders.

Being a single mom means getting off the idea of taking all the responsibility, all the worrying, all the constant parenting.

3 Things To Do When You're Struggling With Being A Single Mom Being a single mom means being a mom who figures out how to ask for help, allowing help to be given and accepting it. Doing so is to have a big advantage over those who don’t. These moms take a break when they need it. They surround themselves with support and they mind what they’re talking and thinking about.

Figure out a way to work with the other parent. This way time away from the kids is secured. If dad isn’t available, ask another adult (or older child) to help out. Whenever there’s resistance to cooperating and/or seeking additional help, neither parent wins and children always lose. Frontier work is hard and everyone always had to pitch in!

While being a single mom, surrounding oneself with supportive friends and family is essential.

Too often there’s this misery loves company aspect to our conversations. But we don’t realize just how bad it is for our mind and emotions until it’s too late. It’s not that the circumstances aren’t tough, they are! It’s that none of us gets out of our own way without shifting some things. Shifting how we talk about our exes is one of the biggest and most important shifts required for successfully co-parenting and forging ahead with a new life.

Find people who understand and are willing to help.

Even trade nights with another mom so that your kids are safe and secure. I’ve heard of divorced moms co-renting homes together (which sounds amazing!) and families bringing in college students to live with them to help out. (News Flash: this is what I did!) Getting a night off doesn’t have to be something fancy, it just needs to work so you get a night off from the struggling.

We also have to talk about minding your mind… this begins with eliminating the commiserating conversations and continues with the awful idea that as a single mom, you have to do it all. You don’t. You never had to. When divorced dads are welcomed to the table, they usually show up. If they don’t and I know that happens way too often, send them to me! I find that most men want to become involved. But they just may need some help learning how to care for themselves and/or caring for kids on their own first. Solo parenting is not easy for anyone and there are new skills for everyone to learn!

Being a single mom, you’ll want to take a break ‘cuz burn-out is real!

Taking a break from solo-parenting is also part of your new skill as a single mom. Sure, you may want to date (you may also NOT want to date). Either option is yours to decide. Dating can be a great distraction but it can also complicate things. It’s complex to bring a new lover into your family just as everyone is getting used to the new living arrangements. That rabbit hole of “why am I not dating?” can become demoralizing and upsetting, never mind confusing. Which is precisely why as a single mom, you have to take time out for healing. Equally important: understanding what you want away from your parenting role.

When dad starts dating, you’ll want to be super clear on why you are or are not. No man can heal your broken parts without you doing the lion’s share of the process.

3 Things To Do When You're Struggling With Being A Single Mom Trusting your children’s dad will come through is a big step in healing your relationships with men. Expecting him to, and speaking straight when he doesn’t, teaches everyone how to set and maintain healthy boundaries. Asking for help when that other parent doesn’t or can’t show up, is remembering you don’t have to do this all alone, and taking time out to heal and to rest is paramount for creating the kind of future you want to have.

I wish I had known all this while I was going through my divorce. These days, being a single mom, I do ask for help. I surround myself with support and I expect my children’s father to take them when he says he’s going to. I hold him accountable for being my kids’ dad. By doing so, I give him the chance to show up too. My children have two involved parents and I get a built-in babysitter that I don’t have to manage. The rest is real and the healing helpful because making this new life work isn’t easy.

If you’re having trouble putting healthy boundaries around your struggles, reach out. doingDivorce School might just be for you. Open enrollment begins shortly!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach with a robust On-Demand Coaching program. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce.