Single Dads

Dad, It’s OK To Not Know How To Date After Divorce

September 22, 2018

Dating after a breakup is fraught with conflicting feelings. On the one hand, you hope for true love or at least great sex, on the other, you’ve no idea where to begin. The thought of hooking up with a new lover at just the time you’re trying to figure out how to overcome the pain of separation confuses many of us. And parents, newly single parents, wrestle with this dilemma all the time. When you’re a single dad, dealing with a breakup like a divorce, you think the right approach to dating looks like internet dating, school playgrounds or pickups at a bar. But dad, it’s ok to not know how to date after divorce; in fact, being unsure of how to move on is actually healthy.

When you’re trying to figure out how to approach dating after divorce as a single dad, you want it to be easy. You want great sex. You desire a beautiful partner. You’re hoping for some fun or entertainment. But then you have your children.

Some single dads mistakenly rush the process hoping to glom onto the first woman they meet and force her into the role of stepmother. Many just want uncommitted sex. Some don’t know where to begin. Many are afraid of being hurt all over again. Most just want a break so they can overcome the pain and anxiety that accompany the change. Dating after divorce doesn’t need to be complicated. It needs clarity.

Your dating life can’t be your emotional processing center.

You can’t expect a new partner to be responsible for helping you get through your day. You and you alone are. Which is why you will responsibly want help from a coach or mental help professional. Your dating life is where you get to show up as whole. And during a breakup, most single dads and their kids aren’t whole. So you’ve got to become whole first before a great relationship (and often, great sex) can show up in your life. This takes time and energy. A real commitment to your well-being. Your health. This doesn’t fit that profile of the cool, single dad out to re-live his forgotten youth. This process describes a man who understands that his breakup and his children’s first divorce actually have emotional consequences and needs to be respected.

Figuring out where you are emotionally is essential.

At first, you’re not going to want to do that. And that is okay. It’s okay to not know how to date after your divorce. It’s even okay to have lousy sex or perhaps, the best sex of your life but not be able to commit to a relationship. In today’s culture, most of us are open to different forms of intimacy and can tolerate what’s going on without judgment. However, you’re the one who’s got ideas about what makes you a good dad and what makes you a good man. You’re the one bringing your stuff to your new dating life whether there’s the “best sex of your life” or not.

When I work with single dads, many of them respect the institution of marriage. They understand commitment and the rules of monogamous sex whether or not they also had affairs. They know that many women are open to having uncommitted sex but also, they get that such relationships probably aren’t sustainable. Many don’t want a committed relationship at this time. Most single dads reeling from a divorce get it. Which is why dating after divorce also becomes confusing. So let’s make this simple –

You’re using sex to overcome the pain.

Dating is a lot of things but mostly it’s about using sex to overcome the pain of the breakup. Everything else is secondary to a single dad dealing with a divorce. The confusion you bring to the experience is colored by ‘wanting a good woman to talk to’ ‘wanting her to look a certain way,’ wanting her to ‘meet your kids,’ and the biggy – ‘not wanting to hurt her’ when it all falls apart as it’s bound to do. When you rush the natural connection, you implode the opportunity to build a meaningful new love. When you deny the natural desire, you’re lying to yourself and to any potential new partner.

You can’t force getting over a breakup.

Mostly what I see, most single dads don’t know how to date after divorce because they don’t know how to deal with the loneliness. When they’re not with their kids, they’ll do anything and almost everything to avoid it. And this is where we on the outside need more compassion too. If a single dad became single because his wife died, the entire community would rally to help. The community would understand his pain and loss. People don’t usually rush in to help a single dad. Too often, he has to deal with the enormous changes (wanted or not) by himself. That loneliness adds to the confusion of knowing how to date after a divorce. It’s that loneliness or pain that’s being avoided. The natural grieving that accompanies all monumental change.

If you’re now more scared of dating after your break up now, you’re right with me. You really can simply add to the heartache you and your children are dealing with. The wrong person can make things more complicated for everyone. That single dad dating life can’t involve your kids.

She won’t like it.

With most of my single dad clients, a big struggle they deal with also includes the girlfriend who wants to take over and immerse herself in their life. As a result, my clients feel trapped all over again and begin to balk from the responsibility. Emotionally they’re simply not ready to commit. They know on the one hand they shouldn’t bring her into their kids’ lives too fast but on the other, they don’t want to hurt their new lover. They also really like having a warm body next to them at night. The intimacy feels right.

Too often, when kids are pressured into making it all work, the relationship falls apart. Forced intimacy isn’t healthy. The statistics for second or third divorces verify this pattern isn’t sustainable. In fact, it makes things so much worse for everyone in the long run.

Slow down the dating after divorce.

Resentments build up and misunderstandings take hold when a new partner forces a bond with step-kids. These relationships have to be properly nurtured and developed. In these circumstances, kids make life very difficult for their single dads. I see this time and time again.

When intimacy is forced or everyone pretends to play house together instead of clearly defining the boundaries and expectations, relationships crumble. And children develop trust issues having to confront their own fears later on in life.

There need be no rush to date after divorce.

There’s no rule that says you must develop an intimate relationship immediately. You don’t have to force a dynamic that doesn’t serve your kids or a new partner. You really don’t have to commit to someone just to have sex even if you were raised differently. What you must do is process your feelings and develop a new understanding of what’s going on. You must grieve the loss of your marriage away from your dating life. You have to figure out how to parent your kids on your own. And you must become whole again. When you do that, knowing how to date won’t be difficult.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

Be A Good Dad To Your Wounded Kids (Learn How To Help Your Kids Heal)

September 16, 2018

As a child, I went through my parent’s divorce. I can speak from experience about how difficult it was to watch my home break apart. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t fun. And my brothers and sisters and I definitely did not want it. Saying all that, however, doesn’t mean that going forward, my life was terrible or that my parent’s divorce wasn’t a good thing for me and my brothers and sisters. It means, as a single dad, you can learn how to be a good parent to your wounded kids by helping their hearts to heal. You learn how to help your kids heal by making sure you lead the way by healing your own heart first. You help your kids heal from divorce by doing your healing process on your own.

A single dad has plenty he can do to help his kids heal and deal with the changes the family unit is going through during a divorce.

There are a pacing and a processing that has to happen as everyone catches up with the facts. Emotional resilience and stamina have to be built as a way to teach your kids not to shrink in the face of struggle. Even though they don’t want it, there are the discipline and daily rhythm needed by every teen and child. And there’s the hope and optimism that will allow your kids to believe in the institution should they want to invest their time and energy into marrying one day.

A good dad is a perfect person to help wounded kids learn these skills.

Who else is going to prove to a teenager or a child that they can learn to cope well too? However, as the single parent, you first have to figure out how to cope well yourself before you can expect your kids to believe they can as well. Which requires owning up to your own wounds.

Now, as a man, I get it… you’re asking me what wounds? What broken heart, misplaced loyalties or lack of self-respect? I understand none of those things happened to you during your marriage or divorce. I know. But your kids see all of these insults even when or if you don’t. They’re the boys modeling after you how to be men (to women like their moms) and the girls who will marry a man just like you. Since chances are very good that they’re going to repeat the same patterns that got you and their mother into trouble, perhaps, you’d like to help your kids heal by taking a look at what happened first? And change the course of the future?

By learning how to help your kids heal, you’re actually releasing your wounded kids from having to help you.

It’s not your kids’ job to figure out how to navigate your emotional wounds. When you set aside time and energy each week to process the experience, you can then return home and parent with greater clarity. You learn what patterns and behaviors didn’t serve the marriage. You let the emotions go while at home with the kids being a single dad because you’ve got a time and place to delve into them. When you hire a mentor, you become confident you’ll get through the process faster and easier than being left on your own to figure out. No one wants to deal with this stuff for the rest of their lives!

Your children’s wounds are hidden behind their teenage hormones, childish tantrums, and lack of discipline or drive.

As their world has fallen apart – something they never asked for – their safety and security also disappeared. They’re re-learning whom to trust. As their father, your role is to provide safety and security first and foremost. Not be their best friend, indulgent shopper or frightened adult unsure of where to go next. It’s best that as children, they don’t spend a lot of time with that part of you. Even when they know intuitively it’s there. That healing work is yours to do on your own with a mentor, a therapist, a coach. Not with your kids. Your kids need you to be their rock. To maintain discipline, safe boundaries, some structure to their day and of course, to love and nurture them.

A single dad who’s doing his healing models emotional resilience.

As you trust that you can handle the swirl of emotions – mostly anger or guilt – and deal with the things you can control moving forward, you build greater emotional resilience. Your children need someone in their lives to model this and it might as well be you. Your kids need to understand that life isn’t fair. That shit happens. And that we all need to pick ourselves up again over and over again. More often than any of us wish.

As you put your breakup into perspective willing and able to gain some wisdom in the process, you’ll be better able to share with your child how to grow stronger in the face of adversity and loss. What an incredible gift to give to a young person!

A good dad holds himself accountable for being the single parent who helps his children heal.

The more you hold yourself accountable and manage your feelings, the better you’ll be able to maintain discipline and schedules when you’re the single parent. You’ll help your child accept safe boundaries, keep time for homework or attend sports practices. And participate in the inevitable chores most kids of divorced parents have to take on.

No one likes to participate in new rules or chores especially when they didn’t want to go to a second home in the first place. A single dad, willing and able to maintain discipline earns greater respect from his kids. It’s tough to do so when overcome with guilt or shame for the changes the breakup brought upon the family.

A dad, able to process and heal, on his own without leaning on his children, gives his kids the time and space to do their own healing as well.

This can get confusing for adults going through a divorce. They don’t understand how hard it is for their kids. Most single parents are so caught up with their own pain, they forget their children come from two of you – the two of you who are fighting. So single dads bad-mouth the mothers or the kids are told way too much about the divorce case. Each parent tries to play the kids off one another and the kids, your kids, won’t and don’t want anything to do with you.

WhenI talk about this to parents, they naturally become defensive. But listen, we all make mistakes, especially when a separation first occurs. Emotions run high and a lot of stuff is said and done. Without the kind of help to put your own feelings in order, you can’t expect to be able to single parent your kids well. It’ll take way too long and you’ll do too much damage to your kids without professional help. This is how single parenting went for divorced parents way back when I was a kid. None of us got the kind of help we all needed.

Don’t make your kids do the healing that’s yours to do.

Then your kids will end up doing lots of work on themselves as they grow older and start to think about getting married themselves. Without doing your process, you set your kids up to do the healing for the entire family. That includes your work and their other parent’s as well as healing their own pain. That’s neither fair or appropriate. It calls into question who the adult is…

Since your kids are wounded… even when they hide it… helping their hearts heal is part of your role as a good dad. Or a good single mom. How to help your kids heal? Your children will need time and space to process what’s happened away from you. They will need a mentor, a coach, a teacher, a social worker, someone they can speak with each week for a period of time so they too can make sense of what happened.

You can change the way your children view love and marriage.

Kids who are given a chance to process are better able to get on with their own lives. Their schoolwork stays stable or perhaps even improves. They’re not so prone to risky behavior. Instead of confusing the role of relationships, they don’t try to use sex to get the kind of attention they actually need from their parents. The negative statistics for kids whose parents divorce are not good. (And I don’t recommend you go seek them out.) Instead, I suggest you shore up your homefront by controlling the things you can control: your healing and time and space for your kids’ healing. And you get to work learning how to be a good single dad.

What wounded kids want from their dads:

All I ever wanted from my dad (whom I rarely saw per the way things went back then) was a warm connection, support, and to know he loved me. Not seeing him meant he wasn’t my disciplinarian. But because I heard so many bad things about him, it was really tough to connect. Today, things are very different. We look down upon parental alienation. We encourage co-parenting and equal parenting time. Kids are more comfortable going back and forth between homes and many more families are separated.

But what hasn’t changed over the course of modern-day breakups is the wounding kids have because of the loss of their primary family structure. They are afraid of the institution of marriage. Young adults are cynical about the romance of true love. They mature with the idea that sex is the be-all and end-all of intimacy. And all too often, they re-create the very patterns and behaviors of their parents’ marriages that ended in divorce. Those negative statistics are there as well – I call divorce a generational disease. And as such, we, as those going through the experience, need to do our healing process first so as to help our children. That’s what I call being a good dad to your wounded kids and helping their hearts to heal.

Adjusting To Being A Single Dad When You Are Miserable (And Missing Your Ex)

May 10, 2018

Sometimes it doesn’t matter who wanted out. Adjusting to being a single dad when you are miserable (and missing your ex) is tough. There’s this enormous amount of pressure from kids and frankly, from yourself, to do things the way their mom did. However, way too often, no matter how much you try, your kids still find a way to criticize the efforts you’re making. Which is why adjusting to being a single dad can be particularly lonely and isolating. Nothing seems to go right and it’s tough to reach out for help and to get the right kind of support needed to smooth out this period of time.

Kids have a way of scrutinizing the best of parents.

It’s not that they don’t want you to succeed, they simply see the struggle, the differences, and zero in on your lack of confidence. They, like, you, aren’t comfortable with all the changes in the family and lifestyle. They can’t grasp heartache to the extent you can. They’re also not well-equipped with a sense of compassion or an understanding of the amount of effort you’re making to get their lives running smoothly in the right direction.

The task in front of you is real. How to adjust to being a single dad and manage the emotions coursing through you? That ex, no matter what happened, also was a familiar presence in your home. She didn’t leave just to make your life miserable (even when she did). In the big picture of things, she left so that you could figure out how to step into your independence. The gifts? A chance to grow. An opening for a re-do halfway through your life. An opportunity to build a new relationship with your kids dependent upon what you and they want. No mothers allowed!

In the midst of the changes are the feelings.

It’s frustrating to be angry and miserable at the same time. It can be confusing to be missing someone who wanted to leave or who made your life difficult. And it’s confounding to still be physically attracted to someone who just blew up your home.

Many men even argue they don’t miss her and don’t want her back. But yet, they begin searching for a new lover long before they’re emotionally healed or ready to give wholeheartedly to a healthy partner. So I argue, covering up that hurt, shame, and loneliness with a new girl on your arm only makes matters worse, not better. The confusion of conflicting emotions just doesn’t make adjusting to being a single dad any easier.

A bad marriage rips apart parents’ roles. Moms trash dads and dads become super insecure and defensive. I see this over and over again. As a mom, I wasn’t able to support my own children’s father either as he forged ahead to create a new lifestyle with my kids. A life without me. No matter what he thought or felt about me, adjusting to being a single dad was difficult and confusing to him and to my kids. I know, because my kids told me.

However miserable adjusting to being a single dad when you are missing your ex is, it gives you a real chance to change the course of your future.

It sets you up to get in touch with feelings you’ve probably shoved down with food, alcohol, cigarettes, and sex (sometimes for years). It allows you to home in on the parts of you that are undeveloped and needing some maturing up.

This looks like showing up for your kids as the kind of adult you want them to become. Teaching them how to develop resilience in the face of fear or disappointments. Being there for them when they need a compassionate, warm, and strong presence even when you don’t feel up to it. Reminding them that you’ve got this and together, that you’ll figure things out whether you believe you will or not.

Sure, this appears immense in the face of loss. It’s difficult when you’re missing her and they’re crying for their mom as you’re trying to put them to bed on the nights you have them. It’s awful when you go to pick them up on your weekend but the kids don’t want to come with you or they hang up on you when you call to check in.

I remember being that child.

I recall how my poor dad just seemed to shrink in the face of my tears and how he lost the words to comfort me. This is a normal experience for divorced parents and it’s tough to bear witness to your child’s pain. However, it also provides you a chance to create a different relationship with your kids. To help them bond with you by being there for them in the role of being their parent no matter how you feel inside.

In fact, these feelings inside now have a chance to be expressed. Modeling how you express them allows your child a healthy example of vulnerability. By acknowledging the pain, by expressing your own confusion but delivering the words with age-appropriate statements, you as the single dad, are showing your kids how to handle life’s difficulties.

Separation and divorce bring immense changes into everyone’s life.

It’s not easy to ride out the tough moments without losing it a bit. And lose it a bit you probably should though in a safe space and at the right time. (Instead of hiding behind the pack of cigarettes or another beer.) Some people write others compose, still, others learn to channel their feelings into exercise or something creative in the kitchen.

I find it exciting when the dads I coach teach their kids family traditions. Or when they bond over their mutual enjoyment of rides or activities and hobbies.

All of these emotional experiences are normal and natural. They make sense only in the context of this modern-day rite of passage. How else are you, a single dad, going to forge ahead and make your home life happy without her? How are you going to grieve so you can forgive? Let go so you can have what you’ve always wanted? Figure things out so you can earn back your self-esteem, your self-respect? Never mind let go enough to have an open heart?

If I could leave you with one piece of advice, it would be this: know that you and your children will manage and even thrive if you allow the roller coaster of emotions to go through you without shaming or blaming. As you begin adjusting to being a single dad when you are miserable and missing your ex, you begin your healing from the loss of your family. This is an important and vital step in the experience.

If you find yourself at a loss sometimes, you may want to consider getting my daily inspiration emails. I fill them with hope, inspiration, and perspective. I do my best to help those navigating this rite of passage with more grace and confidence.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

The Best Advice On Being A Single Dad You’ll Ever Receive

March 30, 2018

Every divorced father I meet wants to be the best single dad possible for his kids. He also, usually, already believes he’s the best father possible and often misses the mark by a wide margin. That’s not to say that he’s wrong, he is the best father possible for his kids (when he is). But he’s usually got a long learning curve ahead with being a divorced dad. Being a divorced single dad is the mark he keeps missing.

The best advice on being a single dad has to do with this: you may understand the new rules and guidelines intellectually. But embodying what it takes to be a single dad is totally different. You’ve got to get the experience. Learn to be agile, figure it out, and commit in order to successfully adjust to being a single dad. Let’s get to it!

Dad is a great single dad when mom has the kids

The stories that come my way go like this: dad is a great dad when mom has the kids. He telephones, texts, says, “I love you” to his children, and shows up when possible to school or extra-curricular events. As a single dad, he knows he has to check in and does as often as possible. He hates it when his kids don’t spend time catching up on the phone in the evenings. The loneliness eats away at him when the kids are with their mom. And of course, as a single dad, he’s torn between dating and healing, with healing looking like dating, having sex, and remarrying.

When the kids come to his home, he’s torn between defending himself from true or untrue accusations that his kids bring with them. He doesn’t necessarily understand their routines, he doesn’t really know how to manage his new home with them in it; he doesn’t really want to discipline his kids out of fear of more rejection, and he worries about doing something wrong throughout their entire visit.

If he has partnered up with a new lover or remarried, he uses any new children to entertain his kids and he uses his partner to feed, manage, and run the household for all of them hoping to create a bonding and happy family vibe for all.

As a result, single dads think they’re showing up for their children without really getting it. They think they understand what they’re supposed to do without getting into the meat of how to do it or what to do to re-bond and keep the bonds with their children.

I get it.

It’s not that single dads aren’t trying, it’s that the rules are different and understanding what you might be reading and then embodying the new guidelines are two entirely different things.

Kids want their single dad’s attention

They want their parents’ undivided attention, not sharing their dad when he’s playing house with The Best Advice On Being A Single Dad You'll Ever Receive a new lover or spouse. They’ll never grasp that the love you have for others does not diminish the love you have for them. Most kids, especially girls who are very territorial, will fight for extra attention, energy, and as a result, the love of their fathers. Dads who miss this, miss all of it!

Kids know their single dads do not need more help.

They know how dads operate – perhaps they cook perhaps not – cool, ordering in a pizza works! Kids know that dads might do things that are different – go camping, hike, play sports or be able to afford that trip to Disney. Kids welcome these differences more than you might realize even though they may complain, compare, and comment.

(News flash: do not take everything your child says about you so personally!)

Your kids will test to see if you’re going to abandon them too even when you weren’t the one who wanted the divorce. They will cause trouble with any new children in your life, they will compete for your attention wondering if you’ll bond with them as much as you bond with a new lover. They will look to impress you by boasting and bragging, and they’ll compare themselves with everything you’re doing to see if they still measure up.

No one said this was going to be easy.

You’ve got to get this. But understanding it and being able to roll with the onslaught of seemingly, testy energy is another.

I find dads who understand and do not get hooked or triggered by their children’s assaults do the best. Those who reassure, who give their undivided attention win. Those household chores are a distraction. (Even if both of you are doing it together.) Unless you’re also talking and listening to one another. Those single dads who feel secure in themselves (ahem, have done some healing work… ) do the best with being a steady presence in their kids’ lives. So what does that look like?

Loving a child comes in different forms.

Not every child is the same. Some children need to talk to you, some need material items and trips to believe you love them. Others will want to spend time together whereas others will want to sit on your lap and have you hold their hand.* Don’t bunch your children all together and then think that car ride to the county fair makes you a good dad!

You will be outsmarted by your children more now than when you were married. They are testing to see if you still see them. They may be super angry and the father who can handle and dispel that anger without taking it personally and becoming defensive wins.

Your kids may play you.

If you have more money, they’ll ask for things above and beyond just to get your attention. The dad who manages these requests with healthy and practical boundaries shows his kids that he can’t be bought. That his love for them doesn’t come with a price tag.

Tell me you love me.

The single dad who reassures and communicates his feelings for his child who needs that reassurance will continually bond. That kid will have their confidence for years to come.

You may want to read another book or add more knowledge to your arsenal of parenting tricks. But your child is the one who holds the secret and the best advice overall. The single dad who remains focused on what his child needs, to feel loved, is the dad who succeeds. This means putting those children first. Paying attention and being agile if the thing you read or understood no longer works to keep you close.

I find that children of divorced parents (at any age) resent sharing their parents. (No matter how hard their new lifestyle may be.) The time they have with their single dads is usually half what they once had. They are desperate and hungry for what their fathers have to teach them. Use that time wisely. (Even when you’d rather have a woman in your life alongside them.) Your children will demand you pay attention to them. And if you’re lucky, and wise, you will.

*The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman might help!

Dating As A Single Dad? Here’s 3 Things To Know Before Introducing Your New Love To Your Kids

March 7, 2018

Single dads, single men, often want to rush into relationships during their separations and after their divorce with such frequency that it becomes a sort of cliche. As a woman, I don’t always get it dating as a single dad. What is the rush? Why rush into a commitment when everything else in their lives is upside down? Children, typically, don’t get it either. Children have the hardest time dealing with their father’s new relationships especially if those relationships are being forced upon them. If you’re a single dad and you’re dating, here are 3 things to know before introducing your new love to your kids.

Here are 3 things to know before introducing your new love to your kids.

Dating as a single dad, please have as much fun and all the sex you want while your kids are with their other parent, but when the children are with you, remember this: they need to be your #1 priority. You need time to re-build or re-create your relationships with them away from their mother before they’re capable of welcoming someone new into your life.

Your children need to trust you again; to know that no matter what happens, you’ll be there for them unconditionally whether they push it or not. (I never said this was going to be easy!)

1) Single dad, those kids of yours want and need your attention.

Your kids know that trust is earned, it’s not rewarded. They’ll dole out trust carefully. You can’t expect them to trust someone they don’t know (especially if you’ve raised them well!) and this is where your feelings could get hurt.

I realize that children are all different, but they’re still coping with your family’s divorce. Bringing someone new into their lives and expecting them to immediately trust this new adult because you’re having sex or are seriously considering marrying them, doesn’t mean your child is on the same page. I recently heard a teen say this about her father’s latest girlfriend: “I’ve met her about 6 times… she’s nice but I’ve spent more time with my bus driver than I have with her.”

2) Your role, single dad, is to parent and to love them.

When children live with different parents, essentially having two homes, there’ll be twice as much stuff they’ll have to deal with. I’m often asked what to do with the child who sides with the other parent? My answer is usually, always, the same: love them where they’re at.

As kids, they’re testing, trying to win your attention, your approval. They manipulate and use adults the same way you did! They know what buttons to push and how much trouble you can handle them getting into.

Why rush into a commitment when everything else in your life is upside down?

We’ve all seen enough after-school movies to know what a child will do to get their parents to see them. Your role, as a parent, is to also raise them to be competent, productive members of society. (Ideally, we need children to be competent adults for the good of all). Often your child is simply testing just how far they can push. They want to know how long you’ll back them up. But just as often, kids will sense during the pushing and the manipulating, the needing of attention, whether you still love them. Or not. You know this too. You know that unconditional love is something we’ve all craved; to know that no matter what’s really going on – the amount of trouble or punishment – you still believe in them.

I have spent time in the police department with my son. As a parent, I may not have liked what was going on, but no matter what, I love the man I know my son is capable of being. I let him know that I wasn’t happy about the circumstances but that I had his back and we’d figure it out. Now, I’m not an expert with the police as some parents are, but I do get that my anger only goes so far. Loving my children during the difficult times is way more important than loving them during the easy ones. And any parent who forgets that love is equally if not more important, will lose out in all their relationships.

3) Single dads, your new love will need to be patient.

There’s a lot of truth to having patience. As a child with step-parents, it wasn’t easy to fall in love with my step-dad or step-mom. After all, they weren’t my biological parents. Even though eventually I did fall in love with both of them, at first and for many years, it wasn’t easy.

Dating As A Single Dad? Here's 3 Things To Know Before Introducing Your New Love To Your Kids

Despite the fighting at home, having a new adult in the family was an adjustment. And visiting my dad and his new family was awkward and unfamiliar more often than not. There’s still a formality in my relationship with my step-mom even though I’ve confided in her, sought her advice, and leaned on her for years. She and my step-dad did everything they could for me and my brothers and sisters. We were the lucky ones!

Saying all that, however, I’m still not sure how much love they felt from us. I’m not sure they always enjoyed having my brothers and sisters underfoot, and I’m not positive they always felt wanted and adored. In truth, these things take time to build.

Children have the hardest time dealing with their father’s new relationships

When you bring a new adult into your children’s lives, they have to be the kind of adult that can put kids’ needs first without expecting much in return. Coping with divorce, kids don’t form the same kind of relationships as adults do with their new lovers. It’s an impossible task to Dating As A Single Dad? Here's 3 Things To Know Before Introducing Your New Love To Your Kids expect kids to be able to bond as quickly as you do.

So this new adult in their lives, this new lover of yours, has to be willing to put up with a lot before expecting much respect, love, admiration or even manners in return. We don’t live in a culture where those rules really apply anymore and even if you want your kids to be polite or your family home is strict, be careful of setting yourself up for failure.

If you’re dating as a single dad, don’t rush things.

I watch my children closely. It’s easy for me to remember how it felt when my mom and then my dad brought home my step-parents. To recall how the new rules in each home took some time to learn. Some of us really balked at them which of course just set everyone up for more arguments. It wasn’t smooth sailing for a very long time.

When my kids talk to me about their fathers’ relationship I have to keep a really open mind. I’m not in his home anymore and I don’t know his lover. So I listen from the perspective of an adult who was once in their shoes. They are viewing things from their perspective, not their dad’s. I know it’s tough on them, there are new expectations and new rules. This woman hasn’t earned their trust and they haven’t bonded with her the way he has. Her presence is uncomfortable and confusing.

Trust is earned.

But I also know that over time, if she’s patient and kind they will learn to like her. If she continually shows up for my kids, and their dad is able to put our children first, they will learn to even love her. She will become a part of their lives and share memories with them. Separate from me. I not only know that, I welcome that for my kids.

I always felt that step-parents and new relationships were about having more love in one’s life. (It’s the only way I let my children have a nanny, go to sleep away camp and to go away to college!) It’s the same with new lovers and if you remember while dating as a single dad that your kids are working through their first divorce and new relationships, over time, everyone will experience more love in their lives.