Sex

Scared of Dating After Divorce? You Should Be

April 5, 2018

Scared of Dating After Divorce? You Should Be If you’re like many people leaving an unhappy marriage, I believe that you’re on a quest, looking for love. So naturally, dating after divorce features prominently in the hearts and minds of those separating. Love is our calling card and those in the midst of breakups are in desperate need of love.

Often times, dating means finding new sex, comfort, maybe even evidence that you’re just fine and ready for the rest of what life has to offer.

Unfortunately, for many, that optimism is short-lived especially after a series of uncomfortable dates or needy love-making. Are you scared of dating after divorce? You should be if you’re unprepared and misguided.

Let’s assume you want to find the perfect soulmate or at least someone you can have great sex with. (Usually, these are the knee-jerk reactions for dating after divorce).The issue isn’t that having sex or finding a soulmate is wrong – I am not saying, don’t have sex.

It’s thinking that dating or sleeping with someone means you’re fine, healthy, ready to dance the jig.

Don’t imagine you can handle moving out or living alone without any emotional repercussions. Or that the negotiations are going perfectly, and you have plenty of intellectual bandwidth to entertain a new lover. When people are cut off from their emotions or self-awareness, they go down the “I’m great” road. They forget going through a divorce is hard.

Let’s assume you care about others and this period of time is a little tough for you. (News flash: I like these ground rules best.) It also sets you up to be coachable and available for new love when the timing is right.

When you first leave a marriage, you’re used to the kind of person you just left.

This is no fault of yours consciously, it’s simply the way you’ve been wired and the effect of the amount of time you’ve spent with this partner.

So naturally, when you meet new people, those most like your ex are going to be the most comfortable. You’ll also not see this in any obvious fashion – it usually doesn’t show up until that new relationship ends. But eventually, you’ll notice it which is why dating after divorce, those first few hook-ups Scared of Dating After Divorce? You Should Be usually add more fuel to the fire of a broken heart.

I remember my first forays dating after divorce. I knew that those I usually gravitated to were the worst for me. And even though there was an attraction, the flirting and sex would eventually get me into hot water. Time after time, I noticed that even though they looked different, had different levels of education, different body types or hair color ultimately, unconsciously, they were just the same: controlling, needy, wanting me to be a certain way. And inevitably, the relationship would end. Thank goodness I understood the growth trajectory of dating after divorce.

There’s this period when you have to learn who you are in the present, away from the courtship, the marriage, the fight.

You have to get to know who you are again on your own. What makes you happy? Turns you on? What kind of food do you prefer to eat? TV shows do you really want to watch? How do you like to spend your weekends?

As you become reacquainted with yourself after divorce, you have to become willing to date a lot of different people. It’s part of the new experiment. Which can also lead to more broken hearts.

If you’re committed to finding a soulmate, you’re going to hurt a little longer if you rush into dating after divorce quickly.

Most people are not ready for a speedy commitment right away. There are those leaving marriages who want to ignore commitment. They’re tired of all the negotiations. They want a break from compromising.

Falling in love is not without the stages of negotiation that are inherent in every relationship. If you’re just looking to make love, tell someone. But if you’re pretending to want a relationship and unwilling to go through the stages of negotiating the terms of your commitment, really just wanting sex, you’ll break a lot of hearts.

I suggest you use the entire sentence: “I really like you, want to spend time with you, have sex with you… etc. but I’m not emotionally ready for a committed relationship.”

These days, we have sex out of marriage – shocker! Obviously not, but the shock comes when men and women misread the opposite sex. There are plenty of men and women willing to engage in having sex without needing a relationship. What they want is communication. What your potential lover wants, is to have a fair chance to make the decision for themselves, not be promised one thing and then ghosted after a few months. (Doing so just adds to their past betrayals and re-injures their broken hearts.)

I am constantly amazed at the fortitude people have after divorce – especially dating after divorce!

Their desire to get it right, their need for companionship, their misguided sense of being able to live on their own, and their willingness to persevere – to find what they’re looking for and to go on date after date in order to do so.

In order to handle dating after divorce, you’ll want to remember that everyone you meet has a past. That they’re doing the best they can and that most likely, you can’t help them heal on your own. You get to add delight to their lives: you get to be charming, kind, and romantic. You get to show up speaking in full sentences and communicating where you are in the process.

Scared of Dating After Divorce? You Should Be You don’t get to pretend romance, sex, and the oxytocin hormone (that love/bonding hormone) means you’ve found your soulmate (that would be super naive). Equally, you don’t get to pretend you can manage being single the rest of your life… ah, you might want to check out being stuck and Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™.

In order to handle dating after divorce, you have to know that you, yourself need time to heal.

There will be a time, once you do your work, when you’ll be ready for all that relationships have to offer. Including, the negotiating stages, the commitment, and possibly even marriage again. But without being informed and on the right track, you will find the experience hard, even scary.

Develop an awareness of who you are today and what you want.
Learn what dating means in this online dating world. Grasp the number of dates you’ll most likely go on (often between 100-300!)
Learn what uncommitted sex looks like when you are the one falling in love!
Trust you’re on the right path when you’re able to manage the loneliness and loss of your marriage. This occurs when you stop using others to make the pain go away.
Believe that love is possible. It’s what we do when we’re at our best, so try not to pretend you don’t need it.

If these suggestions seem difficult on your own, consider my daily emails to help you understand what you’re up against and doingDivorce™ School (Enrollment starts April 23rd!). I believe you do not need to be afraid of dating after divorce. You do, however, need to take some time to heal. You’ll want to understand the love you have to offer yourself and others.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

Is It, or Isn’t OK To Begin Dating After Filing For Divorce?

November 24, 2017

Most often people leave a marriage intent upon finding their soulmate. They’ve had it with being unhappy – they want to love, get attention, have sex! It’s time for them to get their needs and desires met. So why is it that everyone wonders, “is it, or isn’t it OK to begin dating after filing for divorce?

Well, is it or isn’t it OK to begin dating after filing for a divorce?

It can be a really fun time… if uncommitted sex is something you can do, there are a lot of feel-good hormones flowing, enthusiasm is high, and the pain of separation, the heartache of a bad marriage, and the stress of legal worries pale in comparison to a good romp in the hay. But if it’s a soul mate you want, you’re going to be more sensitive to participating in indiscriminate sex. You’re probably going to have your feelings hurt and your pride wounded if a lover doesn’t remain faithful. You would think that this sex after separation thing would be easy but if you’re wondering, whether it’s okay to begin dating after filing for divorce or not, you realize that decision isn’t so easy to make.

Should you wait or should you have fun? When is it appropriate to be dating after divorce?

Overall, I caution you not to be too harsh on yourself (or others) for having indiscriminate sexual encounters when you first leave your marriage bed. Just like a dam bursting, if you’ve just left a sexless marriage and are stepping out into the world of dating, enjoy yourself if you want to. If you want sex without commitment, you’re in the perfect place. Divorce is an adult sport and that includes, if you wish, having sex without commitment.

But if you’re hoping that first love is going to be your new soulmate, I caution you to slowly proceed with dating. There are a lot of problems with dating after filing when you step into dating just one person too fast. You’re simply not ready to take on a new relationship with all the hopes and dreams you’ve attached to this next man or woman in your life and chances are, dating and having sex too quickly is going to mess with your self-esteem.

How do I handle dating if I’m not legally separated from my ex-spouse?

There’s a big difference between dating, having sex, and preparing for a new, serious relationship. Most of which is simply not knowing who you are without your spouse. That ex has been an intimate part of your life. Your immune system, your respiratory system, your heart rate, your brain waves have been in sync for some time. You may have children you share, a home or two, and certainly many worldly possessions. There’s been a life together that needs time to dissolve. Layer on top of that the legal or emotional frustrations, and you’re a bit of a mess to be seriously dating. So, as you’re unwinding your marriage, it’s best to slowly enter the relationship dance. You are not standing on your own at first. You need time to heal and to grow apart from your soon-to-be ex-spouse.

So what is best for you? Here are a few questions to ask yourself if you’re thinking of dating after filing for divorce. Have fun with these questions, there’s no right answer. Also, know that you may try dating for a while then pull back, you may have sex with one person, then end it; you may find the love of your life and figure out how to make a healthy marriage work. This is your life, have fun with it!

Should I date now that I’ve filed for my divorce?

yes… I’ve been in therapy, self-help groups, and have a big life separate than my spouse and kids. I’m ready!
no… I haven’t been on a date since I met my spouse and am still a little uncomfortable with talking to strangers never mind getting naked.
perhaps… I’m worried about dating these days but yet, I’m really attracted to other wo/men and want to enjoy being with someone else. I’m willing to take a chance.

Should I wait for my kids to get older before I have a new relationship?

yes… my kids are not dealing well with the divorce; they already don’t want to spend time with me, they’re not sleeping or eating well, and they’re getting into trouble at school. I think my dating would put them over the edge.
not at all… my kids don’t need to know about my dating; it’s none of their business what I do in my personal life and I’m capable of keeping my private life to myself no matter how much they ask.
perhaps… I’m not sure I can handle separating my dating life from my kids. We have a really close relationship and I’m not sure I’d be comfortable not introducing my dates to them. After all, they have a big say in who I’m going to be with.

Do I wait if my community doesn’t approve of dating while still being legally married?

yes… I have a close relationship with my faith and to my community. My neighbors would judge me and I don’t think I can handle their negative judgment right now so I’m going to wait until my decree is signed and I’m legally divorced before I date.
no… I’ve lived my life by others’ rules long enough and it’s no one else’s business if I date during my separation. I want to have fun and enjoy myself.
perhaps… I suppose I could go on a date when I travel for work and away from my town but I have to remember, I may be seen on a date or the gossip at work my creep in. That may be tricky and something I have to consider.

I’ve waited long enough for dating after filing for divorce, I think… my divorce has been going on for years.

yes… everyone knows we’re separated and my kids are doing well. I feel comfortable living on my own. I think I’m ready to meet someone new and to finally have sex again!
no… I’m still pretty shaken up by my divorce and I’m uncomfortable even thinking about meeting someone new. I’m really afraid I’m going to be hurt again and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to take that risk again.
perhaps… some days I feel confident enough with my new life to invite someone new into it and other days I worry about my future. I want to be with someone and know it’ll be a process to find the right one, but I’m not always sure I’m ready to do so yet.

My ex has a new lover/spouse and I’m all alone… it doesn’t seem fair that their life is going so well and I’m still by myself. Shouldn’t I be dating too?

yes… what am I waiting for?! I’m getting out there and going to meet new people, figure this out and take some risks. Enough is enough! I’m ready to date.
no… I’m still pretty upset. I’m tired of being taken advantage of and even though my ex seems happy, I know deep down they aren’t doing their work or healing. As much as I want sex and new company, I’m not sure that I’m ready to show up healthy to meet the kind of person I want.
perhaps… I think I’ve done my healing work. I feel good about myself, I look good, I’m physically fit and healthy. I’m able to manage the changes and am usually pretty happy. There are days when the past creeps in and I compare myself to my ex but for the most part, I get it. I’m a good person and I’m willing to put myself out there.

This is your life and you’re an adult.

You have adult responsibilities and many adult experiences. Tally up your answers… primarily a’s? You’re ready to go for it! Mostly b’s? you owe yourself the time and attention you need to properly heal your heart and to learn some new skills. c’s? find yourself a competent teacher and get some new tools. You have a life ahead of yourself you get to create.

No matter how you decide to approach dating after your divorce, you’re inviting another adult into your life. Treat them with respect and appreciation and whatever occurs, you’ll be healing your past. Ready for some daily help? Go here to learn more!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of The Better Divorce and doingDivorce™ School – online coaching programs for those ready to shed the pain of breakups. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com

What Dating After Divorce For A Man is REALLY Like

September 19, 2017

Dating after divorce for a man comes with this romantic notion that there are millions of women just waiting for him, the stud-man. Many newly single men think they’ll be the one to sweep women off their feet, make passionate love, and answer all their feminine needs. Yeah, right! Just the other day, the message from a male client was… “I had a horrible first date yesterday. Just a nightmare.” Of course, it was. Stuck in your unfulfilling, possibly sexless marriage, you dreamt of getting out. But despite the fantasies, you have no idea what dating after divorce for men is really like.

Even when the man in the partnership cheats or emotionally leaves the marriage first, most men find dating after a divorce a complex and difficult experience. There’s some truth to the wisdom that having such a plethora of women to select from is too many. Which online dating offers both sexes. Online dating, unfortunately, adds to the inability to commit or to find pleasure with the woman across the table from you on a date.

After a divorce, some men are equally as scarred and scared as many women.

My female clients see this all the time. They experience first-hand the broken spirit of a guy or two leaving a marriage (no matter who was at fault or who called it quits first). It’s difficult for women to connect with this beaten down demeanor. Most guys are unsure of what to reveal. Or they wonder how much pain to admit to. A lot of men mistakenly take it personally if a woman won’t sleep with him on the first date. He regretfully turns her need for safety or a slower pace into a personal rejection.

A broken heart is a broken heart.

Dating is hard for most men after a divorce. It isn’t just that guys don’t want to admit they’re in pain too, which would be an authentic truth, it’s that they’ve lost track of the self-confidence (not machismo bravado) that’s required to woo a woman to fall in love with them in the first place. Even though most men want a woman in their arms, any woman capable of healing a hurt man needs to know how to heal him. To begin with, she needs to know her place in the dynamic. She also needs to be able to be his lover, not his mom. Her needs are important too. He has to be able to trust her enough to let her in and she has to know what she’s doing to help.

The fact is, most guys aren’t really ready for love in the state they’re in right after a divorce.

“Welcome to the human race!” You’re designed to feel feelings. No amount of cigarette smoking, pot using, drinking or drugs is going to numb the pain of your divorce for as long as you need it to. At a certain point, the truth will come out. So let’s start speaking straight here.

Dating after divorce for a man is really tough.

Yes, transactional sex with any number of beautiful people is available nearly any day of the week. You can enjoy sex in all its guises, paid and unpaid, in groups, alone, in public, in private. In truth, at any moment your body’s needs to can be met.

And if you wish to argue with me that that’s not who you are, that’s okay with me too. I don’t need you to prove to me that you’re a man of character. What I know about you is that you’re also deeply wounded and really and truly need time to heal.

If you’re dating right after a breakup or during your divorce, sorry, you’re setting yourself for a nightmare experience (orgasm or not).

The life that you lived while being married and the man you are right after your separation isn’t really healthy enough for the kind of relationship you’re too frightened to admit to wanting. On a certain level, we all want to be listened to and seen. But your pain, anger, frustration, and fears permeate who you are. Pain, anger, frustration, and fears permeate every divorced woman’s heart and mind too, never mind all those single, young, beautiful women you think you want to be with.

We are all dealing with inner conflict and fears.

Even so, I challenge you to become the great guy you know you can be. Make your dating life exactly the way you imagine it… do you want to be seen as kind, smart, successful, and wise? Become that man. And if you desire to be more handsome, sexy and a great lover, make sure you’re caring for your body. If you are the handyman who can hold her, handle everything she asks for, and be her hero? Awesome! Go become that man and you’re right… women will be at your beck and call!

And though I know you’re already a great guy (with a broken heart) and though I know you can be an awesome, satisfying lover, what you’ve got to show a woman is that you can put her needs above yours. And in truth, that’s probably not the fact right after a separation.

Right now your broken heart and confused mind need mending.

Right now, there’s a lot to figure out. Dealing with attorneys and learning how to be a single dad can be exasperating. Co-parenting with the person you don’t want to talk to is infuriating. Living on your own again isn’t quite as simple a transition as you once thought it might be. Typically you’re still worried about your financial future. The gossip and drama blow up your phone.

What’s really going on?

How’s that new apartment feeling… is it homey enough yet? How’s the eating going, have you had to bone up on your cooking skills? Or are you spending a ton of money eating out? How much weight do you need to lose to find your six-pack? What about your health? Drinking more than usual? Using again?

Take a good hard look in the mirror and ask yourself, “How’s it going, big guy? Is she going to be able to see me and all I’ve got to offer at this moment?” Unfortunately, if the answer is somewhere between “No and Maybe” you’ve got some work to do.

What are you waiting for?

A healthy, happy, delighted woman who’ll let you live your own individual life wants you to be healthy. Even if she’s there as a monogamous lover, a friend, and a muse, she needs you to be healthy enough to fall in love with. Anything short of that and she’ll be afraid to commit and to go deep.

Healthy women have a tough time trusting men in divorce… too many red flags are waving in between you and their dinner plate.

They’ve got you under a microscope and are plugged into their judgment more than their hearts or their pussies… again tough to write but very true. You had better realize that now before you waste more money on taking that cutie out for dinner. I mean, transactional sex goes both ways so you might just get lucky, but don’t expect her to want to hang around too much after she gives it away. (And if she does… be careful!)

It’s time to prove your dates wrong.

It’s time to admit that you need some new tools and a few new lessons. If you’ve read this far you know I care deeply about guys in general, not just you. But listen up… you want a healthy woman not the same kind of woman you were just married to. Nor the one who cheated on you, or the one you had to cheat on to implode the marriage. You don’t want another woman who’s using and running away from being in your life. If you want to date, you need to get what dating after divorce really is.

Dating is a chance to start anew. To re-rack and learn how to be the kind of man you’ve always dreamed of becoming. Is this a tall order? You bet!

Is it required of you? All day long!

What about asking some questions and figure out the answers you need? (News Flash: these are probably not the answers you’ve been getting from your best friend or the bartender down the street.) I recommend you get a totally new perspective. Learn to understand what masculine and feminine energy are… not genitalia! So that you can feel good about your role as a dad, a husband, a lover, and a friend. In reality, you can’t mix up your needy sexual energy and your leadership or managerial skills at work (just watch the daily news to see how well that’s going these days). And over time, you’ll probably have to disentangle your sexual prowess and your financial wins from any measure of character and self-worth.

Dating after a divorce becomes a place for you to practice being the kind of man you’ve always wanted to be.

(The kind of guy you think you really are deep down inside.) However, you need to know how to become that man, to begin with. So seek some guidance. Enter into self-development (not just self-awareness). You’ve got to take what you know you did wrong, figure out new ways of doing things, and then become fit at showing up that way.

It’s emotional fitness and intellectual understanding.

Not just the newest insight you have on how to date well. In other words, if you read an article that says, “a good woman won’t sleep with you on date #1” you might want to figure out her point of view and why that’s important instead of just a blanket expectation that you might have to KIIP (keep it in your pants) even though you’d like to use it. Are you with me? It is waaaaaaaaay more about male-female dynamics than it is about having an orgasm.

You just might want to learn what that’s all about and become the kind of man who can show up putting a woman’s needs first. No matter how badly you’ve been hurt by the woman you just left. In fact, it might actually change the trajectory of your dating life. Actually, realizing that is the first thing you need to get to make your dating life exceptional. Then you’ll be able to show up as the one to sweep her off her feet, make passionate love to her, and answer all her feminine desires. Leave a comment below…

3 Tips For How To Survive Infidelity And Divorce (Of Your Friends)

August 22, 2017

Your friend calls deeply upset, shaken declaring, “they had an affair.” The air leaves the conversation as you try to reconcile how to survive infidelity and divorce around you. The stilted dialogue becomes upsetting and the questions swirl. How do you handle this kind of news? How do you hold your friend’s news amidst your own anxiety and fear? You know it could happen so easily to anyone who’s married. You mumble a few choice words, offer apologies and your condolences, ask what they’re going to do. And hang up as soon as possible.

So often, when news of a friend’s infidelity filters into our conversations, the reaction is personal fear. You end up concentrating on your own marriage, your relationship, and what’s happening in your marital bed. You try to recall the last time you made love to your spouse, your lover and you wonder, if you haven’t in a while, “will it happen to me too?” How you survive infidelity is a deeply personal decision. Its roots in religious beliefs, political views, and often the size of your bank account.

How to survive infidelity and divorce is a deeply personal decision.

There’s a common misperception that a set of rules that blanket religious dogma will keep you safe. Or you wrongly imagine that your community of friends would never have an affair. You consider how you grew up, your dad, uncles, and aunts – would they have had an affair? Did they step out of the marriage? Is that what that fight you overheard as a kid was all about?

The news of an affair brings up power imbalances in all relationships – including yours.

The story makes you look at how your default behavior has been playing out over the course of your marriage. The news will hopefully, make you consider what you need to do differently, better.

Have you ever noticed how each time you hear about an affair, you begin to focus almost entirely on your spouse? Perhaps, mentally chastising them for all the mistakes they’ve made? Are you aware of how you immediately begin the dance of “if I do this, they’ll love me…” forgetting that you too have a vested stake in keeping yourself whole, fulfilled, and respected in your marriage?

Below are 3 tips on how to survive infidelity and divorce whether you’re the one directly experiencing the news or not. These tips are about you – not your lover and this time around they’re also about your reactions to the news of others’ heartaches. One of the biggest mistakes in marriages is putting your partner first over and over again.

Take back the focus for a while and take care of you.

Wouldn’t it be nice to take back your power and focus on your own well-being and happiness? Selflessly giving, giving, giving =’s exhausting, resenting, and no sexing… (couldn’t resist). When you over give to the point you’ve nothing left to offer, it’s almost impossible to show up generous, desirous or even wanting to make love. No adult needs another child – they need a partner. They need reciprocity. Everyone needs mutual adoration, acceptance, conversation, fun, and intimacy.

The moment you find yourself over-sharing, over-giving, over-indulging and catering to the adult in your bed… you’ve become, essentially, their mother or father. And we don’t make love to our parents.

You’re allowed to take time for yourself – to do things that recharge your energy and drive.

Things that turn you on so that you have something to share and something new to talk about. You’re allowed to ask for your spouse to uphold his or her marital agreements to provide intimacy. You’re allowed to play as two consenting adults.

This is how you survive infidelity – you make sure your needs are met so there’s no need for an affair.

Put up those mental boundaries when you hear about others’ infidelity and divorce.

Your friend’s relationship truly has little to nothing to do with your lover, your relationship, and your marriage. It has to do with them and theirs. If you’re the kind of person who loves living their own personal reality TV show, you’re making a huge mistake. That story you’re watching has nothing to do with what’s really going on.

Like a reality TV show, there’s been an entire life happening behind the news you’re hearing about. When you indulge the story of others trying to survive infidelity and divorce, remember, you’re simply getting the highlight reel!

Don’t fall prey to the machinations of an angry and hurt partner. If you do, you’ll start making up dialogue and question your own partner’s behavior. You’ll follow along blindly and neglect your own self-care that includes enjoying and adoring your lover. It’s important to keep your thoughts clean and focused on what you want. Not on what your friend is dealing with. It’s actually not a healthy friendship when or if your marriage begins to fall apart because you’re not keeping a healthy boundary.

Equalize the power in all your relationships.

Just as important as it is to make sure you have boundaries with your friendships, it’s equally important to maintain the same footing with your lover. Whether you’re married or not. When power imbalances begin to occur – due to status, personality or health worries and fears begin to creep in. You wonder if your relationship is on an even keel asking: “Are they being faithful?” “What are they doing when they travel for work?” “Do they need me now that they’re earning more money than I am and I’m staying home raising the kids?”

When there’s a power imbalance between lovers, there are many parts of the relationship that are too easy to blame.

A spouse making more money or a lover able to travel are opportunities to break agreements at home. When status changes, it’s important to have a frank conversation. You may want to reevaluate the agreements and make sure the two of you are on the same page. Whether you’re comfortable renegotiating the terms and redefining the roles or not, doing so has to happen in partnerships. None of us have great relationships just because. Most of us have to spend time communicating not doing marriages by default. If you are just doing it by default, know you may be inviting trouble.

There’s no reason to invite in trouble! You can survive infidelity and divorce (of your friends!)

As those around you struggle with their relationships, reevaluating your own requires the willingness to own up to what’s not working. While also being able to keep others’ stories from affecting your commitments to one another. You can survive infidelity and divorce – especially when you don’t make others’ issues something for you to worry about.

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