Laura Bonarrigo

Life Coach

Powerful Attitude

Decisions matter – how to avoid what happens when you stall

A beautiful woman is happy because her decisions matter and she's willing to take action

These days, we all have a lot to think about. Often, too much. There’s your health, your family, your career. You think about how to spend your weekends, where to socialize, and what to do on your vacation. So when you wait to make that decision, choose not to take action or stall out of fear and anxiety, you risk way more than you realize. Especially those big decisions you may be afraid to make. Here’s how to avoid what happens when you stall.

Decisions affect the quality of your life.

When you let time go by, you lose out on opportunity and chance. Even when you think it’s best to slow down and think about things.
 
When you ponder, wait, or mull things over, you sacrifice the energy these goals need. Life doesn’t wait for us to become comfortable with what’s required. Especially these days. Our lives need us to be competitive, responsive and pre-emptive rather than reactionary.
 
 

When you don’t take action and play it safe instead, you lose momentum.

Life moves forward every day whether you’re ready for it or not. The opportunities that come your way don’t always stick around waiting for you to feel good.
Decisions matter. Your health often requires preventative action. Your career needs you to make brave choices. While your relationships need you to step up, be authentic and noble.
 
Any of these scenarios may feel uncomfortable. They may be anxiety producing. You may want to hide instead of taking that bold step forward. But ultimately, your goals don’t care how you feel. Your goals need you – your focus, your energy, your drive, your time, your intelligence, your heart – not your fears.
 
Time waits for no man. And wrong decisions are reversible. In fact, I’d argue, there are no wrong decisions. Just bold moves.
 

To avoid what happens when you stall, you must make a decision and take action.

No matter how small the step. When you’re positioning yourself for a promotion or your company for expansion, there’s no time to waste. There are concrete steps that have to be taken. If you’re going to move your family to another state, school year commitments can delay a move for years until you’re ready to be bold. Take that chance. And if you’re interested in asking someone out, don’t wait. That person you’re attracted to is attractive to someone else as well.
 

The story of your life is yours to create.

You can’t wait for circumstances to come neatly wrapped and presented perfectly. Life is hardly perfect. And you’re made of stronger stuff than a life of waiting and hoping, stalling to make those decisions.
 

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker, and advisor to those ready to move their lives forward. For empowering and practical ways to begin anew whether personally or professionally, set up a call here.

Easy And Delightful Ways To Handle Colleagues’ Inconvenient Troubles

Two colleagues dealing with troubles writing on white paper sitting at a brown table.

Colleagues are people and people bring troubles. Whether it’s their sick child that interferes with their workload, an ill parent that makes them leave the office each quarter or the smell of lunch. Anyone who works with other people needs an easy and delightful way to handle coworkers and their lives. Fellow workers aren’t out to get you – they’re simply trying to live their lives. But for those who have to pick up the slack, inconvenient hassles are major distractions.

I’m a big believer in collaboration. I like working with others and seeing a project through. I come from the acting world and each performance was a project to complete. But when my peers aren’t pulling their weight (and who among us hasn’t seen this… ) it can be annoying and bring out our worst selves. So I came up with a few strategies that I teach others.

#1. Keep inconvenient troubles away from the simmering point.

In other words, speak up early and often. Understand the rules and regs. Figure out where the boundaries are and ask for help. When you do this, you stand a better chance of remaining cool rather than losing it with your associates.

Saying that I know it’s not easy! But what my clients find is that when they speak up, they remain more professional. And they’re able to persuade their superiors to help solve the issue at hand.

#2. Colleagues are people with real-life concerns.

The pressure of raising a family or managing a home is omnipresent. We know that. Which makes it hard because we feel guilty when other people’s stuff interfere with doing our jobs.

I like to remind clients that it’s amazing that anything works. And that most people are desperate for some positive feedback. By being grateful and complimentary, you offer a break from everyday stress. You also reward the things that move things forward.

Complimenting your difficult colleague may initially feel weird. But you’ll be surprised how doing so changes the entire atmosphere in your office. There’s a ripple effect that lifts the spirits of everyone.

#3. You may say “no” to taking on your colleagues’ stuff.

In reality, the culture of a workplace colors how far people will push. If you find you’re always the one to pick up the slack, perhaps, the environment isn’t for you.

I don’t advocate leaving a good job because of others’ bad behavior. But I also don’t suggest staying put. “Fish rot from the head” and if you’ve done you’re best to play nice, perhaps, it’s best for you to find an organization that has better HR systems in place. We spend too much time at work to be unhappy.

Working with others, you should expect difficulties. Even though inconvenient troubles abound wherever people gather, chances are it’s not your problem to solve. Collaboration is one thing, being taken advantage of is another. Try these suggestions and let me know your results. If you get stuck, reach out, I’ll be happy to help.

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How To Be A Good Person – The Awesome Truth You Need.

Man wearing a red sweater knows how to be a good person and has his fists clenched, smiling with arms up.

I bet you think you know how to be a good person. Most of the time, I’m pretty sure you do your best to end the day with a sense of calm and a modicum of ease. I doubt you’re asking yourself, how to be good. So, if we’re good people, what makes us experience feelings of shame and guilt a lot of the time? These feelings usually don’t make us feel good or awesome! It’s time to get to the awesome truth about how to be a good person.

I think I know how to be a good person.

You see, when stuff happens, when we’re fighting with a friend or a spouse or our kids, neighbors, friends, etc… we lose track of how to be good. I know I do. We get caught up wanting others to redeem themselves. Hopefully, by experiencing a little bit of shame for what’s happened (especially when we think they’re in the wrong). When they feel shame, we tend to feel we know how to be good. We feel good about ourselves.

Think of a judge and jury who want a criminal to feel some sense of remorse.

On a personal level, we think remorse will help us feel less agitated. And it does. We depend on someone who’s hurt or betrayed us to help us feel good about ourselves by apologizing and feeling sorry for what occurred. They are in fact, helping us to know how to feel good again.

There’s something about the feeling of regret or at the very least a teeny bit of sorrow that goes a long way towards salvaging our faith in the judicial system or the relationship between lovers, your boss or even a friend and colleague. Remorse makes life easier when we’ve (or they’ve) messed up. Remorse helps us remember how to feel good. When we feel good, we believe we know how to be good.

It’s infuriating when we don’t get that.

We get irate, angry, self-righteous. We build cases against them every time we think about what did and did not happen because we feel justified and self-righteous even though we may not like to feel the anger. (Anger isn’t usually a feeling that we associate with being good people. It’s not awesome and hard to admit to feeling.)

I was taught to be nice. (I hate niceness.) Polite. To smile and walk away. But I fail those lessons a lot; I’m more of the “speak directly” kind of girl. I may or may not succeed at being kind but I’m usually a pretty straight talker and for me, that’s how I get to be a good person. Rather than a manipulative person. Or a liar or someone who’s nice on the surface and back-stabbing later.

I hate that. 

You see, betrayal or lies cut to the core of who we are. We feel violated, used, taken for granted, victimized. 

Our self-esteem hates being in the vicinity of victimization. So we build cases against others in service to our anger and self-righteousness. We build cases to feel good again. We have to feel good about ourselves so we can feel calm at the end of the day.

In other words, in the court of public opinion we make others “the bad guy” while all too often, in the quiet moments, we often wallow in self-pity, guilt, and shame. We second guess ourselves and over think what happened asking, ‘Why is this so hard to let go of… ? Am I really allowed to stand up for myself… ? Did that really just happen… ? What was my part in this… ?’

You have to speak straight to remember how to feel good. You speak straight to be a good person.

I say “yes!” to standing up for yourself! You have permission to walk away from rudeness, cruelty, and emotional manipulation. It’s time to stop being nice in the service of some idea of who you’re supposed to be and to speak up. ‘Cuz no one gets to treat any of us in a way that violates our sense of self… and when we let them, it’s tough to let go of the injustices. It becomes tough to feel like you’re a good person.

We’re not as mad at them as much as we’re mad at ourselves.

That’s why we get irate and angry and do our best to build cases against them. We have to in order to feel good about ourselves. It’s how we try to balance our feelings. And remember that we’re good people.

Instead all of these mental gymnastics and emotional pity parties, I think we need to place the anger we’re it’s appropriately needed. We’re allowed to become angry, to protect ourselves, to walk away and have clear boundaries when it’s necessary. We do this because it’s up to us to train other people on how to treat us. 

How to be a good person? Niceness be damned…

Shame comes when we feel guilty. It’s a way of balancing out how we feel about ourselves; shame, on the one hand, guilt on the other. It helps us look in the mirror at night remembering we’re good people. But it never solves the real problem of being overly nice instead of speaking straight and taking care of ourselves. 

And, in order to feel a sense of ease at night, speaking straight helps. Setting boundaries helps. Walking away from manipulative people is healthy. Teaching others how they’re allowed to treat you is paramount to feeling good about yourself. That’s the awesome truth about being a good person.

To be good means you have to be good to you first.

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Stop The Tailspin! How To Triumph Over Daily Overwhelm

Blond haired woman with hands over eyes dealing with daily overwhelm.

Breathe. Way too often the big complaint is the crazy feeling of we all have of our daily overwhelm. I get it. Sometimes, okay, most of the time, life has a lot going on and you’re in a tailspin. Especially during times of stress. Well, it’s time to stop the tailspin and triumph over the daily overwhelm. I know how to do it and I’m going to lay it out below!

Planning.

I was on a call the other day with this smart tech guy who asked me to respond to his email so that he could put what he offered to do for me onto his To-Do list. I laughed! He didn’t have any paper nearby nor a pen. He was in a paperless office.

Which is cool. I get that we’re supposed to save trees and cut back on paper. But what I don’t understand is how a professional needs me to remind him to do what he’s offered to do. Talk about living in a tailspin! It simply feels like twice the amount of work and a lot more daily overwhelm.

It feels as if the tailspin and daily overwhelm are caused by making more work for ourselves.

In an age where streamlining and simplifying our lives to conquer the daily overwhelm are the goal, it seems somewhat ridiculous that things are twice as complicated. This shows up everywhere as an older generation struggles to learn the intricacies of tech and a younger generation forgets how to hold a pencil and write on a piece of paper. Things are complicated. And as a result, we’ve become overly stressed out.

In order to overcome the tailspin and the daily overwhelm, I suggest a few basic things to bring back into your life. And it begins with simply making a plan. For the month, the week, and frankly, for the day.

Don’t let the concept of planning for your day overwhelm you more – it will help!

To start, I want to keep this simple. I’m certain you’ve got a ton on your mind. So begin by writing down all of it… everything you’re thinking about. And, for goodness sake, use a piece of paper and a pen! (Or the back of an envelope if you still get snail mail.) Your daily overwhelm demands a little attention!

You can also write on the back of used sheets of paper – that’s what I do – sheets of paper are all over my desk and office which I then tear up and recycle in the recycling bin. (Doing my part to recycle the white stuff rather than simply put it into landfill.) I find by recycling, I triumph over the trash!

But what I’ve noticed with clients is that without taking the time to sit and think, and doing a little, teeny bit of planning, on a daily basis, it can all get super overwhelming. I know that I can go into a tailspin and then my stress levels go up. No one wants that. So I’d like you to download what’s on your mind.

Be careful not to begin to think too big. Too out there. Maddeningly out there. Do you know what I mean?

Ask yourself what’s on your mind. Then, write down everything. If you can or if you need to, use many pieces of paper (and if you need that keyboard, do this thinking work in a writing app!) Sort out where things go. For example, categorize if you can: family, home, self, friends, school, kids, etc.

This is important. Once you’ve got the items on your mind categorized, there’ll be a little more clarity rather than just one big mish-mash of daily overwhelm!

The next part is about taking action – you’ll need to break things down into steps.

We never accomplish any goal in one fell swoop. It’s usually made up of many steps. So you’re going to need to break things down into steps. We can do small steps. In fact, the bigger the goal, the more steps there are to accomplishing it.

Daily overwhelm is overcome by taking small steps. This is how you triumph!


Once you’ve got your categories, goals and small steps, circle what you can DO today. Just today. Not the entire goal… I can’t move into a new home today until I’ve searched where I want to live, figured out how much I can afford, hired an agent to help me, gone to open houses, put in an offer, negotiated the deal, closed on it, and planned the move in date.

When we accomplish the small steps, we feel a sense of triumph over the usual daily overwhelm.

We also feel a sense of accomplishment no matter how many goals we have to handle. I know this because I’ve always got a lot going on. And, I also keep things going in the right direction. I triumph over my daily overwhelm by thinking and planning on a monthly, weekly, and daily basis. I create (on paper so I can touch, see and feel it) a daily To-Do list. With small action-oriented steps. Things I can easily accomplish. And then.. I cross off each step as I DO it. (This will feel good and is the best part!)

Got it? I teach an entire course on this… super fun. Super easy. But, you will need to use a pen at least. You can find the link here!

How to handle it when change is inevitable

Woman in grey hate laughing under January grey skies.

Change is omnipresent… 

From the child who matures and goes off to college to retiring and moving. We all change. 

Day in. Day out. 

I’ve written a lot about change. Often, in the form of a divorce as that’s a concrete, heartbreaking experience for many. But change, shifting, committing to breaking a habit, moving forward, letting go of things… is with us all of the time.

So what makes change feel so awful? Scary. Overwhelming. Confronting?

These days I look around and see change in all parts of my life. I’m struck by the amazing success of my clients and letting them go… I anticipate the empty nest as my youngest heads off to college… I’m considering a possible move from a city I love… there are family members confronting serious health issues… then the omnipresent extra few pounds I always struggle to release.

Change.

And since I don’t mince words or shy away from ugly tears and negative feelings, I’ve been up against my own stuff around change. I’m wrestling with exactly what you’re up against. Especially during the quiet moments of life. Those “you and you” moments.

And I keep asking, “How do I want to look back on this period in my life?” This is the question I think about because it’s at the heart of the moment.

No matter what any of us are up against, we have to ask “Who will we be when we meet our future self?”

Because if change is inevitable, it’s always up to us to decide and manage how we’re going to confront those changes.

I find this fascinating! I believe we can all rise above the base fears and insecurities and choose a way of moving forward, however slowly if necessary, with grace. Maybe not always with ease but with grace. And fortitude.

Lately, I’ve been working on teaching the 6-second shift. I’m excited by the idea that we can take on more than we believe. That we do so whether we realize it or not, and that we can get through our days with more grace and fortitude than we may have thought before. It’s a lesson I keep sharing with my clients and students.

I share this with you as you go about living and changing. “Who do you want to be as you confront the things you and your family are up against?” Do you have the support to get through it with grace? Are you strong enough to handle what comes you way?

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My bet is that you are. And if you’re not, I’ve so many ways to support you.

#LiveBetterNow