Powerful Attitude

Sick Of Being Unhappy? Find the Joy in Happiness

October 10, 2019

We strive to be happy. It’s an infinite goal for most human beings… be happy! “You’ve got your health; your family is good; be happy!” Yet most adults are not happy. Most adults are angry, depressed, and disappointed. The exact opposite of how we’re told to be in the world and how we want to feel. No matter the narrative you’ve tried to create for yourself, being happy isn’t easy. And for far too many, not being happy drives us crazy.

The standards we use to assess our happiness levels are faulty.

It’s challenging to assess happiness when we use Instagram as a marker objectively. Equally, our obsession with celebrities affects how we value our own lives. (Having been a celebrity, I can assure you, we don’t always have it all together either.) In an effort to “keep up with the Joneses,” we often measure ourselves against our neighbors whose lot in life may be very different than our own. There’s little room for acceptance or gratitude when we compare ourselves to others. Buzzwords we use to decide whether we’re sufficiently happy. Buzzwords that help us find our potential.

Being happy is not easy.

Given this backdrop of our lives, it’s a wonder anyone is ever genuinely happy. Fleeting moments can’t be taken for granted. Falling in love feels good, as does post-coital cuddling and a child’s smile. Celebrating a milestone becomes paramount, just as succeeding with any task, no matter how big. These benchmarks, however, are often few and far between actual day-to-day living. I have often wondered how happiness became so elusive and definitely think about how it can be sustained.

We are rivalrous critters and strive in competitive environments. Most of us rise to challenges and seek opportunities to improve ourselves, our financial picture, and our positions in the community. We want more. We want to tap into opportunities, dreams, and desires. I’m all for human potential! But sometimes, this effort only brings us back to comparing ourselves to our neighbors, colleagues, and those we admire, to where we’re supposed to be on an imaginary timeline. A never-ending vicious circle of comparisons. Without an alternative, we become stuck in being unhappy.

Your standard for inspiration and happiness is not the same as mine.

I struggled in my acting career, knowing there was always someone younger, thinner, and more talented than me. I auditioned for roles against movie and TV stars, and more often than not, I was the one who didn’t get the job. My career choice set me up for many unhappy days. It was really difficult to find joy in happiness. Moments when I compared my body, face, hair, and voice with those who beat me out for a role. It was a no-win situation. And a recipe for unhappiness.

I also have struggled with relationships and spent way too many days doubting who I am and what I have to offer. Sure, I’ve done my work and continue to do so, but you probably don’t want to spend time with me on my birthdays or other benchmarks on the calendar! Especially if there isn’t a handsome date on my arm.

I’ve had to move the goalposts and reassess my markers for success and happiness many times.

It had to happen, and I’m at it again. I can no longer walk around being as unhappy as I’ve been. When I took stock of my situation in NYC (single mom, older actress, living in an expensive city), I had more compassion for my choices. These were my decisions. My choices. I could accept where I was and what I had chosen to do with my life. Or not.

At a certain point, we have to know when we’ve done our best. (An excellent marker that comes from our hearts, minds, and universal beliefs instead of the environment.) Once I admit I gave it my all, no matter the results, I become happier. I stopped competing with the voices in my head and the people around me. I stopped competing, period. Happiness stopped being dependent upon the status I thought I wanted. I chose to find joy in happiness. My happiness.

Find joy in happiness unrelated to the circumstances of your life.

We cannot keep comparing ourselves to others even if we’re wired to be competitive. We have to choose to be happy, to find joy in happiness no matter what. To look inward, remain focused, and get clear. When we choose to be happy, we’re less apt to do things we don’t want. We structure our days to include things we like to do. We start to hang out with people who are fun to be around and bring out the best in us, even if that means making big decisions like leaving a city you love, a person you love, or a lifestyle that no longer serves you.

I’ve often written that “you matter.” Because you do, your happiness is yours to grab hold of and to choose to feel. We’re not victims of our circumstances or relegated to the lives we’re currently living. There’s also too much help available for us to continue feeling down, angry, or depressed. (That’s why I use Instagram.) If you are unhappy and discontent, schedule a quick call with me. Let’s move you from where you are today to where you want to be tomorrow.

Beautiful Bridges – How To Let Go Of What Happened

September 21, 2019

We all like to cling to the past. Caught up in nostalgia, it’s tough to let go of happy memories. The same goes for holding a grudge, we can’t let go of that slight or betrayal. Everybody has a memory worth holding onto. But it’s the ones that get in our way that keep us from building beautiful bridges to the lives we say we want. To our futures. Ready to shed a few tears and to let go of what happened? Good, it’s time for us all to take the next steps.

How to let go of what occurred in your past.

What happened occurred. It’s not necessarily right or wrong. It’s not absolutely justified nor in any way kind. Moral. Righteous or deserved. How you or I would be in the world. Things happened and they hurt.

But because they occurred doesn’t mean, we have to stay stuck in those moments. Nor do we have to be surprised when the memories haunt us. The mind works that way. We become triggered and feelings can be overwhelming.

Feeling the feels is a very human response to help let go of what happened.

It’s when the overwhelm keeps us from moving forward that we need to interject self-love. And a little tough love. You see, you and I, the ones feeling the feels, are the ones suffering from what happened. Not them. We’re the ones who remain stuck in our unhappiness or nostalgia remembering when…

The bridge to build has to be on a foundation of self-love and compassion for being human. If you’re reading this, you’re a feeling animal. We have to grant ourselves the grace to remember what happened, to feel, and to be allowed to let it go. Moment by moment.

These are not sweeping declarative orders… the mind doesn’t work that way. This is more of an “aha” moment… ‘oh, I’m going down that rabbit hole again’ thought that you gently re-direct.

By doing so, we remain very present to what’s up within. And without… are you surrounded by people who will hurt you? Do you need to quit that job? Is it simply the need to change the radio channel you’re listening to? When you take a look around, you become present to what’s up in the here and now.

But the present isn’t always fun. Especially in the heat of intense feelings and overwhelm. In fact, the present is often very difficult.

Creating the bridge to a future you can call your own starts within your imagination. You see what you want. You can feel those feelings and imagine being where you want to be. But in the moment, that can be tough. You may be very far away… feeling feelings you never want to have in the future.

Creating the bridge to a future you can call your own starts within your imagination.

To bridge the past to the present to the future requires a new strategy. First, the awareness that you don’t like what you’re feeling or where you are. Second, knowing a change can be done. That you can heal from what happened. Then the patience to work through the tough feelings and make the choices to change what’s going on.

My clients and I struggle with feeling the feels. I was, after all, an actress. I was paid to cry on TV! So feeling the feels is what I do best. But when I become nostalgic or angry about what happened in my past, I miss out on the amazing things happening in the moment. I also miss out on creating the bridge toward what I want.

That’s when I re-rack and get present to the here and now. I ask myself, ‘what do I have to do now to move my life forward?’ And I get going, practicing what I preach.

When I become nostalgic or angry about my past, I miss out on the amazing things happening in the moment.

In fact, it was only by doing these steps above that I let go of the past betrayal and heartache. By allowing myself the time and place to feel the feelings, I was then able to let go of what happened and heal. It’s what I want for you.

If you’re having trouble with bridging your past to your future, reach out. Let’s set up a strategy session so you can move forward with your life and create the amazing future ahead of you.

This Is The Best Way To Quit And Break Important Agreements

August 20, 2019

Another employee up and quit without warning. That’s leaving important agreements with me with no warning and no discussion. I get it, work is hard and showing up someplace you don’t want to be feels demeaning. But there is a good way to quit your job or to leave your family without losing face. In fact, the best way to break important agreements is easier than you think. And you get to go with your head held high and some grace and gratitude in your wake

When you’re done you’re done but those important agreements you made, they still carry on.

You want out. The marriage is stale, your job sucks, the neighborhood is boring, and your routine’s dull. Life can appear dreary for many. But that doesn’t mean by leaving, you’ve solved anything other than changing where you are. The expression, ‘you bring yourself wherever you go’ is so applicable in this moment.

When you quit, your important agreements are still hanging.

When you leave your family or you leave your home, the things you’re leaving still carry on. Kids need parenting, love still needs to be made, and the things that keep a family together have to continue. You may be leaving, but your family stays intact.

When you quit your job, there’s no real consequence except for the people you’re leaving. They’re the ones who have to pick up the slack. Your employee may or may not be able to quickly hire someone in your place. You may quit and leave but the work carries on.

Leave with some dignity rather than with all your emotional stuff.

When you make a career move, we’re told to be quiet about it. To interview during lunch, and not let others know before the big announcement. It’s exhausting. And it shows just how important it is to quit and leave gracefully.

When you leave with your head held high, you reap the reward.

Leaving with your dignity intact means a great deal. Your employer has invested in you. You invested in learning new skills and participated in relationships. Leaving abruptly is like betrayal. It hurts others.

If you have a conversation, offer to help find your replacement, and even train someone, you win. (Okay, perhaps not a new spouse.) But you get what I’m saying… help out your employer so that you can leave with some dignity and self-respect.

Set a good impression.

The more I work with others, the more I’m amazed at how people short change themselves the little wins in life. The chance to set a good impression. To leave with one’s head held high. An opportunity to find and train your own replacement gives you a chance to feel needed and wanted. These are important aspects of life.

When you leave a marriage after participating in therapy or telling your kids together, you know you did your best. There is nothing more important than that self-awareness, your head held high, your self-respect intact.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker, and advisor to those ready to move their lives forward. For empowering and practical ways to begin anew whether personally or professionally, set up a call here.

Work-Life Balance? How To Create A Better Day

August 16, 2019

Work-life balance is difficult for everyone these days.

It may be easier to discover the holy grail than to get that work-life balance we all seek. Especially if you’ve recently ended a marriage and returned to work. You’re not alone. It seems as if everyone talks about schedules, demands, and too much responsibility.

Which is why the elusive work-life balance discussion continues. I for one am immersed in it. The relationships I build with clients are 24/7, not 9-5. These days I’m helping out a sister and her small business. I’m a project manager for another small business, I am working on my own business, and trying to have a life! I stay immersed in these questions all day long.

Create a better day by adjusting your expectations not the balance in your life.

Work-life has become non-stop these days. Everyone is plugged in expected to jump as the first ping sounds. But when work feels more like the thing we love to do, it stops feeling like a burden. You see, there’s no stopping the flow. If you want success, you must step into the pace at which work occurs these days.

If you’ve been out of the workforce raising a family, you’ll definitely feel the effects of the change. It’ll take time to build your stamina and handle the responsibility. No one enjoys being told what to do or when to show up.

I see this over and over again with my coaching clients. It’s tough to overcome the innate resistance we have to authority of any sort. One of the things I suggest is giving yourself time to adjust. Life in the fast lane, when you have to earn an income or grow a business, is intense. You’re not alone in thinking ‘what’s this all about?’

Work-life balance is fast, furious, competitive, and demanding.

But what’s the alternative? You can’t return to a broken marriage or bring your kids back to the crib. If you’ve got bills to pay and debts to clear up, you have to commit to a focused effort for a period of time.

Part of creating a better day is adjusting your expectations.

No one likes to feel they’re swimming upstream. So when we complain or vent to others, we continue to create more stress. We’re told the secret is finding work you love (easy to say), finding a place you love to live in (again, easy to say). Or finding people you want to be with day in and day out. (Tough to do if you’re healing from any sort of trauma.)

Which is why I look for moments to breathe, enjoy my surroundings or witness nature. I stop and admire the trees nearby, listen for birds, watch children play. I no longer expect to have weekends off or even be able to take a long vacation. Not now. Instead, I seek to create a better day moment by moment. That work-life balance has to be enough at the moment and it is.

Stop being a complainer – how to solve problems instead!

August 7, 2019

A group of frustrated people are looking at a computer screen trying to solve problems together.

How’s that going for you, that complaining? Do you find you’re surrounded by someone who’s frustrated? A complainer? In my experience, I find complainers are everywhere. Then we become a complainer too. So how do go from being frustrated to being someone who can solve problems instead? You challenge yourself to do so.

You cannot afford to become a complainer.

Every single time, you allow those around you to complain without offering a solution, you add to the problem. Even when you’re open to listening to their frustrations. When others whine, moan, suck the air out of the room with their bad dispositions, it stinks for everyone. Everyone’s spirits fall. Then bad behavior follows shortly thereafter.

Instead of frustrated complaining – solve the problems instead!

You’ve got good ideas. Even great ideas. You’re in it… you’re aware of what’s going on. Stop pretending you don’t get it. Moreover, stop pretending no one cares about what you think. They do!

However, what they can’t deal with is the way in which ideas or solutions come to them. Every boss, manager, or owner can tolerate a good brainstorming session to solve problems. They want solutions to the frustrations they don’t even know about! I’ve found that my boss wants my input! They want my creative solutions and they’re grateful for what I bring to meetings.

But what they can’t deal with is a whiner and complainer. They don’t have time for a bitch session. They have time for a thoughtful, measured, excited creative solution instead. My boss craves people around them who’ll help them make things go better. She needs that kind of input.

So, when the urge in you wants to complain, stop the frustration.

Figure out how to do it better. For example, practice what you’ll present to your managers. Then set up a time to talk. Finally, consider how they may react and what questions they may be asking you in response.

How will you answer? Will you become defensive and angry, your ego bruised? Or will you allow the tension to move through you so you can remain measured and thoughtful and solve the problems?

Figure out how to talk about the changes you see and your boss will listen.

A man in a suit sits with his back to the camera looking at two women in a brainstorming session to solve problems.

When you simply complain and vent your frustrations, they will tune you out. Know that. You become another cog in the wheel. (And no one wants to be just another cog in the wheel.) We all have creativity within us to solve problems. To work on solutions and come up with creative, efficient ideas that are easy to put in place.

When you know how to make your problems easier, you become invaluable.

The solutions your team, colleagues, managers and bosses want can only come from you. So take those frustrations and turn those problems around. Make yourself invaluable to others at work by solving the problems you see.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker, and she just joined a new company solving a lot of problems. For empowering and practical ways to begin anew, set up a strategy session here.