Powerful Attitude

Easy And Delightful Ways To Handle Colleagues’ Inconvenient Troubles

April 14, 2019

Two colleagues dealing with troubles writing on white paper sitting at a brown table.

Colleagues are people and people bring troubles. Whether it’s their sick child that interferes with their workload, an ill parent that makes them leave the office each quarter or the smell of lunch. Anyone who works with other people needs an easy and delightful way to handle coworkers and their lives. Fellow workers aren’t out to get you – they’re simply trying to live their lives. But for those who have to pick up the slack, inconvenient hassles are major distractions.

I’m a big believer in collaboration. I like working with others and seeing a project through. I come from the acting world and each performance was a project to complete. But when my peers aren’t pulling their weight (and who among us hasn’t seen this… ) it can be annoying and bring out our worst selves. So I came up with a few strategies that I teach others.

#1. Keep inconvenient troubles away from the simmering point.

In other words, speak up early and often. Understand the rules and regs. Figure out where the boundaries are and ask for help. When you do this, you stand a better chance of remaining cool rather than losing it with your associates.

Saying that I know it’s not easy! But what my clients find is that when they speak up, they remain more professional. And they’re able to persuade their superiors to help solve the issue at hand.

#2. Colleagues are people with real-life concerns.

The pressure of raising a family or managing a home is omnipresent. We know that. Which makes it hard because we feel guilty when other people’s stuff interfere with doing our jobs.

I like to remind clients that it’s amazing that anything works. And that most people are desperate for some positive feedback. By being grateful and complimentary, you offer a break from everyday stress. You also reward the things that move things forward.

Complimenting your difficult colleague may initially feel weird. But you’ll be surprised how doing so changes the entire atmosphere in your office. There’s a ripple effect that lifts the spirits of everyone.

#3. You may say “no” to taking on your colleagues’ stuff.

In reality, the culture of a workplace colors how far people will push. If you find you’re always the one to pick up the slack, perhaps, the environment isn’t for you.

I don’t advocate leaving a good job because of others’ bad behavior. But I also don’t suggest staying put. “Fish rot from the head” and if you’ve done you’re best to play nice, perhaps, it’s best for you to find an organization that has better HR systems in place. We spend too much time at work to be unhappy.

Working with others, you should expect difficulties. Even though inconvenient troubles abound wherever people gather, chances are it’s not your problem to solve. Collaboration is one thing, being taken advantage of is another. Try these suggestions and let me know your results. If you get stuck, reach out, I’ll be happy to help.

How To Be A Good Person – The Awesome Truth You Need.

March 14, 2019

Man wearing a red sweater knows how to be a good person and has his fists clenched, smiling with arms up.

I bet you think you know how to be a good person. Most of the time, I’m pretty sure you do your best to end the day with a sense of calm and a modicum of ease. I doubt you’re asking yourself, how to be good. So, if we’re good people, what makes us experience feelings of shame and guilt a lot of the time? These feelings usually don’t make us feel good or awesome! It’s time to get to the awesome truth about how to be a good person.

I think I know how to be a good person.

You see, when stuff happens, when we’re fighting with a friend or a spouse or our kids, neighbors, friends, etc… we lose track of how to be good. I know I do. We get caught up wanting others to redeem themselves. Hopefully, by experiencing a little bit of shame for what’s happened (especially when we think they’re in the wrong). When they feel shame, we tend to feel we know how to be good. We feel good about ourselves.

Think of a judge and jury who want a criminal to feel some sense of remorse.

On a personal level, we think remorse will help us feel less agitated. And it does. We depend on someone who’s hurt or betrayed us to help us feel good about ourselves by apologizing and feeling sorry for what occurred. They are in fact, helping us to know how to feel good again.

There’s something about the feeling of regret or at the very least a teeny bit of sorrow that goes a long way towards salvaging our faith in the judicial system or the relationship between lovers, your boss or even a friend and colleague. Remorse makes life easier when we’ve (or they’ve) messed up. Remorse helps us remember how to feel good. When we feel good, we believe we know how to be good.

It’s infuriating when we don’t get that.

We get irate, angry, self-righteous. We build cases against them every time we think about what did and did not happen because we feel justified and self-righteous even though we may not like to feel the anger. (Anger isn’t usually a feeling that we associate with being good people. It’s not awesome and hard to admit to feeling.)

I was taught to be nice. (I hate niceness.) Polite. To smile and walk away. But I fail those lessons a lot; I’m more of the “speak directly” kind of girl. I may or may not succeed at being kind but I’m usually a pretty straight talker and for me, that’s how I get to be a good person. Rather than a manipulative person. Or a liar or someone who’s nice on the surface and back-stabbing later.

I hate that.

You see, betrayal or lies cut to the core of who we are. We feel violated, used, taken for granted, victimized.

Our self-esteem hates being in the vicinity of victimization. So we build cases against others in service to our anger and self-righteousness. We build cases to feel good again. We have to feel good about ourselves so we can feel calm at the end of the day.

In other words, in the court of public opinion we make others “the bad guy” while all too often, in the quiet moments, we often wallow in self-pity, guilt, and shame. We second guess ourselves and over think what happened asking, ‘Why is this so hard to let go of… ? Am I really allowed to stand up for myself… ? Did that really just happen… ? What was my part in this… ?’

You have to speak straight to remember how to feel good. You speak straight to be a good person.

I say “yes!” to standing up for yourself! You have permission to walk away from rudeness, cruelty, and emotional manipulation. It’s time to stop being nice in the service of some idea of who you’re supposed to be and to speak up. ‘Cuz no one gets to treat any of us in a way that violates our sense of self… and when we let them, it’s tough to let go of the injustices. It becomes tough to feel like you’re a good person.

We’re not as mad at them as much as we’re mad at ourselves.

That’s why we get irate and angry and do our best to build cases against them. We have to in order to feel good about ourselves. It’s how we try to balance our feelings. And remember that we’re good people.

Instead all of these mental gymnastics and emotional pity parties, I think we need to place the anger we’re it’s appropriately needed. We’re allowed to become angry, to protect ourselves, to walk away and have clear boundaries when it’s necessary. We do this because it’s up to us to train other people on how to treat us.

How to be a good person? Niceness be damned…

Shame comes when we feel guilty. It’s a way of balancing out how we feel about ourselves; shame, on the one hand, guilt on the other. It helps us look in the mirror at night remembering we’re good people. But it never solves the real problem of being overly nice instead of speaking straight and taking care of ourselves.

And, in order to feel a sense of ease at night, speaking straight helps. Setting boundaries helps. Walking away from manipulative people is healthy. Teaching others how they’re allowed to treat you is paramount to feeling good about yourself. That’s the awesome truth about being a good person.

To be good means you have to be good to you first.

Stop The Tailspin! How To Triumph Over Daily Overwhelm

March 8, 2019

Blond haired woman with hands over eyes dealing with daily overwhelm.

Breathe. Way too often the big complaint is the crazy feeling of we all have of our daily overwhelm. I get it. Sometimes, okay, most of the time, life has a lot going on and you’re in a tailspin. Especially during times of stress. Well, it’s time to stop the tailspin and triumph over the daily overwhelm. I know how to do it and I’m going to lay it out below!

Planning.

I was on a call the other day with this smart tech guy who asked me to respond to his email so that he could put what he offered to do for me onto his To-Do list. I laughed! He didn’t have any paper nearby nor a pen. He was in a paperless office.

Which is cool. I get that we’re supposed to save trees and cut back on paper. But what I don’t understand is how a professional needs me to remind him to do what he’s offered to do. Talk about living in a tailspin! It simply feels like twice the amount of work and a lot more daily overwhelm.

It feels as if the tailspin and daily overwhelm are caused by making more work for ourselves.

In an age where streamlining and simplifying our lives to conquer the daily overwhelm are the goal, it seems somewhat ridiculous that things are twice as complicated. This shows up everywhere as an older generation struggles to learn the intricacies of tech and a younger generation forgets how to hold a pencil and write on a piece of paper. Things are complicated. And as a result, we’ve become overly stressed out.

In order to overcome the tailspin and the daily overwhelm, I suggest a few basic things to bring back into your life. And it begins with simply making a plan. For the month, the week, and frankly, for the day.

Don’t let the concept of planning for your day overwhelm you more – it will help!

To start, I want to keep this simple. I’m certain you’ve got a ton on your mind. So begin by writing down all of it… everything you’re thinking about. And, for goodness sake, use a piece of paper and a pen! (Or the back of an envelope if you still get snail mail.) Your daily overwhelm demands a little attention!

You can also write on the back of used sheets of paper – that’s what I do – sheets of paper are all over my desk and office which I then tear up and recycle in the recycling bin. (Doing my part to recycle the white stuff rather than simply put it into landfill.) I find by recycling, I triumph over the trash!

But what I’ve noticed with clients is that without taking the time to sit and think, and doing a little, teeny bit of planning, on a daily basis, it can all get super overwhelming. I know that I can go into a tailspin and then my stress levels go up. No one wants that. So I’d like you to download what’s on your mind.

Be careful not to begin to think too big. Too out there. Maddeningly out there. Do you know what I mean?

Ask yourself what’s on your mind. Then, write down everything. If you can or if you need to, use many pieces of paper (and if you need that keyboard, do this thinking work in a writing app!) Sort out where things go. For example, categorize if you can: family, home, self, friends, school, kids, etc.

This is important. Once you’ve got the items on your mind categorized, there’ll be a little more clarity rather than just one big mish-mash of daily overwhelm!

The next part is about taking action – you’ll need to break things down into steps.

We never accomplish any goal in one fell swoop. It’s usually made up of many steps. So you’re going to need to break things down into steps. We can do small steps. In fact, the bigger the goal, the more steps there are to accomplishing it.

Daily overwhelm is overcome by taking small steps. This is how you triumph!

Once you’ve got your categories, goals and small steps, circle what you can DO today. Just today. Not the entire goal… I can’t move into a new home today until I’ve searched where I want to live, figured out how much I can afford, hired an agent to help me, gone to open houses, put in an offer, negotiated the deal, closed on it, and planned the move in date.

When we accomplish the small steps, we feel a sense of triumph over the usual daily overwhelm.

We also feel a sense of accomplishment no matter how many goals we have to handle. I know this because I’ve always got a lot going on. And, I also keep things going in the right direction. I triumph over my daily overwhelm by thinking and planning on a monthly, weekly, and daily basis. I create (on paper so I can touch, see and feel it) a daily To-Do list. With small action-oriented steps. Things I can easily accomplish. And then.. I cross off each step as I DO it. (This will feel good and is the best part!)

Got it? I teach an entire course on this… super fun. Super easy. But, you will need to use a pen at least. You can find the link here!

How to handle it when change is inevitable

March 7, 2019

Woman in grey hate laughing under January grey skies.

Change is omnipresent…

From the child who matures and goes off to college to retiring and moving. We all change.

Day in. Day out.

I’ve written a lot about change. Often, in the form of a divorce as that’s a concrete, heartbreaking experience for many. But change, shifting, committing to breaking a habit, moving forward, letting go of things… is with us all of the time.

So what makes change feel so awful? Scary. Overwhelming. Confronting?

These days I look around and see change in all parts of my life. I’m struck by the amazing success of my clients and letting them go… I anticipate the empty nest as my youngest heads off to college… I’m considering a possible move from a city I love… there are family members confronting serious health issues… then the omnipresent extra few pounds I always struggle to release.

Change.

And since I don’t mince words or shy away from ugly tears and negative feelings, I’ve been up against my own stuff around change. I’m wrestling with exactly what you’re up against. Especially during the quiet moments of life. Those “you and you” moments.

And I keep asking, “How do I want to look back on this period in my life?” This is the question I think about because it’s at the heart of the moment.

No matter what any of us are up against, we have to ask “Who will we be when we meet our future self?”

Because if change is inevitable, it’s always up to us to decide and manage how we’re going to confront those changes.

I find this fascinating! I believe we can all rise above the base fears and insecurities and choose a way of moving forward, however slowly if necessary, with grace. Maybe not always with ease but with grace. And fortitude.

Lately, I’ve been working on teaching the 6-second shift. I’m excited by the idea that we can take on more than we believe. That we do so whether we realize it or not, and that we can get through our days with more grace and fortitude than we may have thought before. It’s a lesson I keep sharing with my clients and students.

I share this with you as you go about living and changing. “Who do you want to be as you confront the things you and your family are up against?” Do you have the support to get through it with grace? Are you strong enough to handle what comes you way?

My bet is that you are. And if you’re not, I’ve so many ways to support you.

#LiveBetterNow

Get Excited About Your Life Again – 3 Quick Decisions

November 9, 2018

Get excited about your life again as this woman jumping wearing a bunny costume.

Your life. Is it enjoyable and fun or exhausting and nerve-wracking? A little too heavy to think about even? Unfortunately, if we depend upon life to make us happy, we are SOOL. You take back your power when, independent of circumstances, you get excited about your life again. And when you focus on what experience you want at that moment, life gets easier. We all know that in theory. But no matter the chaos, when you face your day with energy, it helps make life a little bit easier. Even during the worst of times.

Excitement makes your life easier again.

Now, you may be thinking I’ve no idea what you’re up against. That some of your days are just too difficult, and you’re right about that. I’m not in your shoes on any particular day. We have very different lives and you’re up against your own stuff. But, I do have some sense of what it takes to shift from dread and fear each day toward one filled with excitement. Because I’m up against my own stuff every single day.

In truth, I want to feel delighted. Turned on. Excited.

I’d like to be the kind of person who wakes up grateful and eager all the time. And many days, I do. I have this quote I wrote about how I wanted to experience being a single mom. In it, I declared I’d be happy, courageous, with no-blinders on, wearing high heels, and makeup. There are days I laugh about this somewhat unrealistic goal. On other days – I rock it!

When you suit up for work, tend to your family’s needs, get to the gym or head out to do your run 6-mile every day, you are impressive. For me, daily makeup wearing can be a big enough challenge amidst my single parenting. So it feels awesome to nail it. But what happens when you’ve no idea how to move from feeling overwhelmed by what’s going on to waking up eager to tackle your stuff? Likewise, what about those big things we all face every single day?

How do you tackle all the things we’re supposed to do to feel good?

Gazillions of articles are written about this on a daily basis. Open up any magazine, and you are advised to take up yoga, meditation, and exercise. Also, there are amazing supplements to help you be an excited Superman. Or, you can fast, eat no sugar, and cook from scratch to nourish, energize or heal your body. I’ve tried many of these daily practices and many do what they promise. But, you can also drive yourself a little bat-shit crazy trying to make it all work. I know I have. Because doing more stuff isn’t the answer.

Woman standing with pocketbook getting excited about her life.

None of us are capable of living the elusive ideal dream life we crave. We are all running around to do what needs to be done. As a parent, an employee, a lover, a friend, and a citizen, we are doing the best we can. Even those we admire. There just isn’t enough Bulletproof coffee to make anyone’s day that glorious.

3-quick decisions to get excited about your life again.

It’s time to slow down for a moment and reconsider what’s up. To make 3 quick decisions to counteract the non-stop noise all around us. When I take on this simple exercise, it works to make my day easier. And more fun rather than stressful and one more thing to add to my To-Do list.

Choose excitement. Choose to call it grit. Happiness. Joy. Whatever you want to feel and is appropriate for you. It’s your day – make it something you’re excited about.

Now, go feel it.

No matter what.

It’s really that simple. Simple, not easy. I didn’t say easy! Sure, you’re up against circumstances, responsibilities, your job. Your kid. You’ve got bills and a bum knee. The car needs to go to the mechanic and your wife is pissed with you.

But what we forget on a daily basis, is that none of those things can take your power away unless you let them. And unfortunately, no matter what, your feelings aren’t dependent upon the outcomes. Which sucks by the way. Feelings are fickle and changeable. They move like the wind. An energy inflow. Feelings have little to do with your attitude. Feelings are fleeting.

Your attitude is up to you.

Finally, your attitude and how you approach your day is up to you. That desire to feel good is 100% within your control. Luckily, that self-control is ours as opposed to the stuff of magazines and merchants. Not because all your stuff is going well. But because you and I decide how we want to feel. Today. Then we can work on our health, our goals, how we parent our kids. Those are the kind of days I nail my mascara.

I’m tired of waiting for my circumstances to make me happy.

Aren’t you? It doesn’t work. I’m also over waiting for the alarm to seduce me into feeling excited about all the stuff on my plate. But I am willing and eager to join the ranks of those who create their own joy. Who own what’s up and roll with the punches. They inspire me.

Woman walking through a field of sunflowers holding her hat.

I’m not suggesting you ignore your kids or play hooky from work (unless you want to.) But I am suggesting you join those who have the stamina and grit to face their stuff with a smile. Because they declare how they’re going to do so. They’re not blind to circumstances. They just don’t wait for the stuff to be perfect to feel good.

I love that. It inspires me. I get intrigued. Honored to know there are days I too can do this. Rockstar.

Besides it only starts with a very simple (not easy) question, what do you want to feel or experience? Today. Or for this next minute. The next hour. What do you dare to feel? Happiness. Excitement. Joy. No matter what? How about even honoring the pain? Instead of waiting for the stuff to make you happy to be alive, are you ready to get excited about your life again?

Pain gets tricky because we’re not wired to enjoy it. I love myself a good cry. It’s fun to revel in anger and to get jacked up on self-righteousness. Wars are won and heroes are made out of the power and fuel anger gives us. While self-righteousness fuels compassion and forces social change. Who doesn’t like that?

But when self-pity, tears, and fear take over, and you know they do, what’s really going on? Even though it may feel good (or bad) how long are you going to stay there and let yourself fall victim to what’s up? Or conversely, how long are you going to run away from feeling the dark feelings. How long. Seriously.

You can choose to feel excited about your day again.

I ask because it took me a long time to learn how to overcome my last divorce and breakup. About 7 years. Could you start to limit the amount of time you let yourself be upset? Could it be during your shower? Or while you’re journaling first thing in the morning or while you’re praying. Then, can you decide to let it go for the day?

In other words, we’re talking about a conscious, deliberate shift to feeling good. To get excited about your life again or whatever ‘feeling good’ you want to feel. Instead of being stuck in the pain. Upset. Frustration. Boredom, even inertia.

The 6-second shift.

Cool. Now go do it. It only takes 6 seconds.

Experiment and let me know what happened. Go be the scientist and the experiment. Start super small. See what might have to give to succeed at this. You’ve got it? Good! I’ll be writing more about this soon.