Post-Trauma

Beautiful Bridges – How To Let Go Of What Happened

September 21, 2019

We all like to cling to the past. Caught up in nostalgia, it’s tough to let go of happy memories. The same goes for holding a grudge, we can’t let go of that slight or betrayal. Everybody has a memory worth holding onto. But it’s the ones that get in our way that keep us from building beautiful bridges to the lives we say we want. To our futures. Ready to shed a few tears and to let go of what happened? Good, it’s time for us all to take the next steps.

How to let go of what occurred in your past.

What happened occurred. It’s not necessarily right or wrong. It’s not absolutely justified nor in any way kind. Moral. Righteous or deserved. How you or I would be in the world. Things happened and they hurt.

But because they occurred doesn’t mean, we have to stay stuck in those moments. Nor do we have to be surprised when the memories haunt us. The mind works that way. We become triggered and feelings can be overwhelming.

Feeling the feels is a very human response to help let go of what happened.

It’s when the overwhelm keeps us from moving forward that we need to interject self-love. And a little tough love. You see, you and I, the ones feeling the feels, are the ones suffering from what happened. Not them. We’re the ones who remain stuck in our unhappiness or nostalgia remembering when…

The bridge to build has to be on a foundation of self-love and compassion for being human. If you’re reading this, you’re a feeling animal. We have to grant ourselves the grace to remember what happened, to feel, and to be allowed to let it go. Moment by moment.

These are not sweeping declarative orders… the mind doesn’t work that way. This is more of an “aha” moment… ‘oh, I’m going down that rabbit hole again’ thought that you gently re-direct.

By doing so, we remain very present to what’s up within. And without… are you surrounded by people who will hurt you? Do you need to quit that job? Is it simply the need to change the radio channel you’re listening to? When you take a look around, you become present to what’s up in the here and now.

But the present isn’t always fun. Especially in the heat of intense feelings and overwhelm. In fact, the present is often very difficult.

Creating the bridge to a future you can call your own starts within your imagination. You see what you want. You can feel those feelings and imagine being where you want to be. But in the moment, that can be tough. You may be very far away… feeling feelings you never want to have in the future.

Creating the bridge to a future you can call your own starts within your imagination.

To bridge the past to the present to the future requires a new strategy. First, the awareness that you don’t like what you’re feeling or where you are. Second, knowing a change can be done. That you can heal from what happened. Then the patience to work through the tough feelings and make the choices to change what’s going on.

My clients and I struggle with feeling the feels. I was, after all, an actress. I was paid to cry on TV! So feeling the feels is what I do best. But when I become nostalgic or angry about what happened in my past, I miss out on the amazing things happening in the moment. I also miss out on creating the bridge toward what I want.

That’s when I re-rack and get present to the here and now. I ask myself, ‘what do I have to do now to move my life forward?’ And I get going, practicing what I preach.

When I become nostalgic or angry about my past, I miss out on the amazing things happening in the moment.

In fact, it was only by doing these steps above that I let go of the past betrayal and heartache. By allowing myself the time and place to feel the feelings, I was then able to let go of what happened and heal. It’s what I want for you.

If you’re having trouble with bridging your past to your future, reach out. Let’s set up a strategy session so you can move forward with your life and create the amazing future ahead of you.

Can You Get Them to Marry Again? What REALLY Happens When Marrying After Divorce is a Deal Breaker.

February 3, 2018

What happens when the marriage thing is a No-Go after a divorce? Can you get them to marry again or is it a deal breaker? Are you the partner ready for love, completely committed and eager for them to say “yes” to a lifetime contract? Or are you the one who’s still reeling… I mean healing, after having suffered through a divorce or two? The conflict between those who want a marriage commitment and those who are still suffering from Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™ is real.

What really happens when marrying after divorce is a deal breaker?

This is important to understand especially when it comes to personal needs, values, desires, and fear. Coupling up after divorce isn’t as romantic as one wants to believe especially when you don’t understand what you’re up against. Still thinking you can get them to marry you? I argue you can’t.

If you’re the one dating the divorcé, you’re going to want to understand what you’re up against.

There’s no amount of nursing that will take a broken-hearted, angry, scared individual and magically be the one who’ll make them view their futures differently. It takes way more perspective and work then you’re aware of. Wide-eyed and in love, you think your love will heal the broken-hearted man or woman you’re with. I remember those feelings acutely… all I wanted to do was love him to health. Boy was I wrong!

The reason isn’t that you don’t love them or that they don’t love you. The problem is that they’re operating from a different set of rules. We, as a culture, have yet to grasp a universal process for the loss, loneliness, and grief that divorce brings. This loss affects everyone going through the experience – young, old, wealthy or not, any color – there’s no race parameters for divorce – a parent or not.

The process for overcoming Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™ has nothing to do with falling in love again. That’s why you won’t get them to marry you. And why dating a wounded divorced individual is such a painful kind of love.

You have to think long and hard about sacrificing your values and needs in order to keep them comfortable and safe.

Relationships aren’t supposed to be safe from our heart-centered fears. They’re supposed to help us open up, step into the strength of our vulnerability, and overcome our most cherished doubts. That’s a tall order for someone who’s just had their broken-heart dragged through a courtroom or mediator’s office.

As a divorcé, you’re going to be cautious about falling in love.

Those fragile whispers of “I love you” have nothing to do with the passion of having sex. We can easily connect sexually. You may even truly enjoy your partner’s love, affection, and attention. But when confronted with your lover’s need to marry, to commit, that’s when your fears raise their ugly head.

Perhaps you think there’s something wrong with you. You imagine you’re broken (well you are but only heart-broken). In truth, you’re more confused, overwhelmed, or scared than you are damaged. There’s nothing inherently wrong with you that another divorced adult can’t grasp.

The problem isn’t that you’re the one who’s wrong or that your lover is wrong. It’s just that you’re the one who has to do the work to heal. To put yourself squarely in the face of your pain and deal with it in a safe environment.

The loneliness, loss, and pain of divorce do not automatically go away with a new lover, a promotion at work or a new home and even a new family.

Divorce doesn’t work that way. And up until now, rarely do we talk about that fact. We just assume, if we’re still scared, there’s something wrong with us. Nothing could be further from the truth!

As the one in love with a broken-hearted divorcé, all you want is to have your love and affection for them, your support and understanding to be enough.

Sure you love the passion, especially since they probably came out of a sexless marriage. But you don’t understand why you feel this underlying anxiety. You’re confused by their on-again, off-again attention, why they seem totally there in person but disappear when you’re out of sight.

When you date a man or woman who’s gone through or is going through a difficult divorce, you become the respite from their anger and fighting. You’re the distraction from the disappointment and pain of breaking up a family. You’re the playmate for a fun weekend away, playing hooky from the office or a romantic evening away from their kids. You help them immensely since the stress of a divorce can take down the strongest among us.

As the playmate, the distraction, their feelings for you are real.

Genuine even. However, the pace with which you want that commitment to come and the time it takes to heal their hearts (if they’re doing any sort of work, to begin with) will not be in sync. Most of the time, you’ll be the one who suffers waiting. You’ll want to be understanding and compassionate, to not make waves and to tolerate their emotional unavailability. You’ll talk yourself out of that gut feeling, you’ll bend over backward even more to keep their attention.

There’s little more you can do.

You see it’s not you. You’re lovely; kind, warm, understanding. You’re probably terrific with their kids and great with their parents. Their friends think you’re the best thing for them… much better than the spouse they just left.

With divorce, shame and fear get to run rampant. You can’t shake a divorcée ’s inner beliefs. You can’t redefine how they view the breakup of their marriages or their families. That’s their inner healing work to do. The truth is, that when you’re the distraction, you also can’t be the one who calls them on their stuff. It doesn’t work that way and that’s the anxiety you’re feeling. You know that to be true.

When you’re in love with someone healing from Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™ ; when you love a man or woman struggling with separation and divorce; when you see their best but can’t get them to commit to you for the rest of your lives, do your best to let go.

Until this person you love commits to figuring out how to heal, they can’t be there for you emotionally. Would you have a pitcher with a broken right arm be pitching in the Championship game? Didn’t think so.

People coming out of a divorce are deeply wounded.

They need love and affection. They need others to be patient and kind. But in truth, they also need to decide to heal, to take down the mask of perfection and allow the feelings of vulnerability to be exposed so that they can heal their broken heart.

Choosing to do so is a personal decision and the longer a divorcé is distracted and having fun, the longer it’ll take for them to feel the pain and loss and get to work to feel better. I’m a big fan of doing the healing work and putting a failed marriage into perspective even as it’s dissolving. That way, when a divorcée does fall in love, there’s a real chance at a lasting union and an open willingness to say “I do” again.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

Feel Like Your Ex Is Stalking You On Facebook? It’s Time To Start Blocking People

January 12, 2018

Social Media is a great way to brag about your life. Most people use it to show off, to seek attention, to connect with warm and fuzzy kitty pictures and to spy on the best looking guy or gal from High School. But do you feel like your ex is stalking you on FaceBook? It’s time to start blocking people.

I use social media for my coaching work and still prefer the telephone to connect with friends. But for most people, it’s instant messaging all the way! So what happens when that ex is lurking behind the blocked avatar? Who’s that handsome dude wanting your attention on IG?

Most of the time, no one real (it took a few scammers for me to learn that tactic). And then there’s your kids’ father or that girl you still pine for. What happens when they’re all over you and wanting your attention? You learn to set some really clear boundaries!

Learning to block stalking went like this for me:

He wanted to date me. He repeatedly asked me out. He’d show up at events we had in common. He wouldn’t take “no” for an answer and he got upset when I had to say things like, “you’re not my type” when he didn’t believe I really wasn’t dating. It was like swatting flies on a hot summer day but more emotionally upsetting. He would not leave me alone. And because I was afraid to hurt his feelings, I wasn’t comfortable with blocking him.

It took the comments on my FaceBook thread that finally sent me to anger. And I learned a valuable lesson about stalking.

Anyone going through a heartbreak, a relationship ending, a divorce knows how painful it is to be rejected or to hear bad things said about them. And I’m no different. As an actress, I heard lots of bad things said but we didn’t have the speed and intensity of social media. I would ignore a weird fan or send the lingerie, keys, and money to ABC’s security and I would ask for help as I was leaving the studio; security would manage the fans outside. But with social media, as a coach, as a divorcee who has had a lot of stuff said about her, there was more to learn.

I had to learn that boundaries – my setting them – are where I step into protecting me: my mind, my heart, my spirit, my body, my children.

So if that lurking, spying Ex feels way too close, I’m giving you permission to change your settings. This seems so simple! Such valuable advice. But what I’ve found is that my clients wrestle with this as well. All the time.

We’re so afraid of hurting other’s feelings.

Upsetting someone or not being nice. We’re worried that they’ll bad mouth us or react in a negative way. And most of the time, your gut instinct is probably right – they will. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t block them. Harassment on social media or on your message app is real and you have a right not to be harassed by someone lurking behind your thread.

What are your really doing when you block someone?

Un-friending is exactly that – you’re un-friending someone you once loved or wanted to love or who wanted to love you.

You will feel an energetic release just the way you felt their lurking. Getting attention form unhealthy people means you’re continuing to set yourself up for unhealthy relationships. You’re making the decision that ‘you can handle it’ when in fact, you can’t.

It’s time to start blocking people.

We are energetic beings who connect with others. It takes a lot to put up boundaries and to keep bad people out. But it’s easier once you start doing so. And you will feel a palpable shift when you do.

A recent client of mine was constantly on the receiving end of some pretty disgusting texts and comments on their thread. It took a few conversations until they were willing to put themselves first, to stop the harassment and to put up safe boundaries. This included blocking mutual friends and family relations. This is an important declaration.

When you decide that your life matters, that your mind is yours to manage, that your heart is ready for healing and that you really can’t handle the mean-spirited antagonism, then you’re onto healthy relationships.

Up until then, you’re fooling yourself. No one can handle the onslaught of negativity. And social media hiding lets it all hang out.

Personally, with my divorce coaching Facebook and IG pages, I’ve had to ban, block, delete, unfriend and not accept a lot of people. My blocked list has a host of names. Not because I don’t want to help them heal, but because they’re so angry and mean I’m not the teacher for them.

I can’t be somebody’s punching bag and I don’t want those who’ve hurt me in the past to have the privilege of knowing me now.

That’s the next step in personal healing. If you consider yourself a good person, if you’re willing to take responsibility for your part in the breakup, if you’re doing your healing work and gaining wisdom and softening your heart instead of building arguments and walls, then why in the world would you want someone who’s hurt you in the past to find a way to you now?

They don’t get you.

And it’s worth everything to keep it that way. What you have to offer the world is your energy, your heart, your generosity. When you’re ready to forgive yourself for your part in the breakup, you free yourself to love again. But for those who want to keep you in your victim role, for those who want to spy on how you’re doing, their goal isn’t to support you. It never was!

So it’s time to decide to protect yourself.

If you’re a parent and your children’s other parent is the person who’s still ghosting and spying on you, this is what I recommend:

join a third-party app like www.ourfamilywizard.com or www.2houses.com. It is completely worth the small investment to free yourself up from hearing from your Ex the moment they’re angry with you.
block them on your messenger app. You are not someone’s punching bag.
give your child their own phone to contact you and stop trying to control the calls and conversations between your children and your ex
delete your ex from your contacts and remove them from all social media
memorize that phone number for when you need to make contact.
stick to using that third-party app, not your email threads
keep everything in writing in case they take you back to court.

If you’re finding these suggestions difficult, notice the feelings and be wary of what you’re telling yourself. There is no real reason why you must remain in contact with an ex. It’s never about parenting concerns or worries. Nor is it about what they will think of you. It’s always about you, stepping into taking care of yourself. If you’re having trouble with doing so, doingDivorce™ School is open for the January – March program. Space is limited so apply now. You might want to check it out if you’re feeling stuck.

Changing patterns is not easy to do on your own.

You’ll need a coach to see your blind spots and a community to support you. As you make the decision to protect your future, you will stop the drama and the harassment of the past.

How To Prepare For Seeing Your Ex Without It Ripping Your Heart Out

January 5, 2018

How do you prepare for seeing your ex without it ripping your heart out? You see, there are times I still struggle with romantic fantasies that take up space in my mind. And, I still think of him. (Not necessarily the him you may think I’m talking about but the one who broke my heart and is still, years later, my biggest teacher.) We all make mistakes. Let’s explore the things that helped me heal, and some things that didn’t! Because there were moments after that breakup that repeatedly sent me into spasms of pain.

BTW: I ended that relationship, not because I didn’t love him but because I could no longer tolerate lying, cheating, and the gas lighting. I had to learn how to be in his presence when I was and hold my own. When I learned how to do so, my sense of security came back!

First off, the things that DON’T work:

Social Media Stalking: you can’t stalk them on Facebook, Twitter, IG or any other internet, social media platform you two shared.

I’m a BIG proponent of blocking, unfriending, deleting, and muting. I have to. If I don’t block them, I have found, I will end up on a cold winter’s night going down the rabbit hole of internet Hell. I have been known to destroy a perfectly nice evening or two out of boredom and curiosity more than once. I tell myself, it’s just a quick peek and then, hours later, I’m in a puddle of tears feeling sad and sorry for myself.

So my advice… do everything you can to disconnect from them online. And then, hold yourself to not looking, lurking, stalking or tracking down their friends. Don’t do it. In the scheme of things, this is a small but mighty step but it’s not very easy!

If you can’t stop looking at them online, you don’t stand a chance of seeing them in person without it ripping your heart out!

Things that take some time before you can handle them:

Visiting the places you two frequented together. I had a client who loved going to the beaches in CA with his lover. They shared fun, romantic times in the sand and surf (who wouldn’t!?!) After she moved out, he falsely thought he could handle going there alone. Then the emotions got stirred up and it took weeks for the feelings to calm down again!

I completely sympathized with his pain and it made perfect sense. Those places were intimately tied to the love he experienced there. I admit, there are certain parts of Florida and New York City or LA that used to haunt me because of the memories I shared with a lover.

I know the exact spot in Central Park where I got that particular kiss! But yet, cities, restaurants, the roads you walked down together, the movie theater or beach shouldn’t hold you hostage to memories, fantasies or desires. So what do you do?

I recommend taking some time before you venture back. Bring along a good friend and gird yourself for the effort it’ll take to reclaim the streets and places you once knew with them.

This is what I do:

I avoided certain places in NYC (mostly for fear of running into him) and when I felt emotionally ready to tackle the reclaiming part, I gathered my strength and walked the streets. Then I went into the shops, sat and ate in the restaurants, visited the places I went to with him!

At first, I might do this with a good friend admitting perhaps, that I need a little help. If I go alone, I prepare myself! I see him in my mind. I remember what I did, how I felt. Then I declare (to myself in case anyone might call me crazy) that this is my town (restaurant, movie theater, etc) too. That I have a right to be there.

I literally retrace the steps we took. Not to rip the bandage off my heart but to declare to the universe that I have a right to this place too. And it works!

I have reclaimed parts of NYC, other cities, restaurants, theme parks, beaches, movie theaters, even trains! These days those exact same locations no longer cause me pain. I have new(er) memories and get to enjoy the places I learned to love.

Each of us has the right to be happy wherever we want.

It simply takes a little time before the heart is strong enough to experience the grief and help you make a new history.

So, you’re a bit stronger and you have to see them. How do you prepare for seeing your ex?

Get ready for an emotional hit! Your mind and body are going to be hit with a slew of feelings and sensations.

Let’s get real: you’re going to have a lot of fantasies! You’re going to think about saying all the things you ever wanted to creating your own reality TV series in your head.

You’ll rival the leads of the ‘housewife series’ and imagine embarrassing them, their new dates, their new spouses. Maybe you’ll imagine hitting them, hurting them, kissing them, ripping off their clothes. But usually, sorry, none of these things will really happen. (Unless you’re on the ‘housewife series…’)

You will, however, fantasize A LOT so be prepared for lots of crazy thoughts in your head.

You’ll also probably experience physiological reactions… getting turned on, blush, begin perspiring. Maybe you’ll experience time completely and utterly slowing down when you see them as if everything is happening in slow motion.

Preventing your heart from being ripped out.

You may want to cover your eyes with sunglasses. Perhaps, you’ll try to hide or at least avoid their eyes. I stare at their chests, their feet (not looking in the eyes) but yet still notice every single detail of what they’re doing, where they’re standing, and who they’re with.

Your entire system will be on alert… not because you want to jump their bones (though you may want to) but because they’re dangerous to you!

Your entire system is going to protect you and protection takes all our senses when we have a real enemy in front of us.

But, you’re still in love with them you say! You want them in your arms and in your bed. You don’t hate them, don’t want to commit illegal and immoral acts against them. (The way I wanted to.) You’re simply in pain and wish they would just take you back into their arms and make mad, passionate love to you the way it once was.

Sure you do.

All of you or just the scared part? All of you or the part that’s frightened and hurt by every relationship you’ve ever had going back to the love you didn’t get from mom or dad. I’m serious about this. Let’s ground ourselves in the truth.

The relationship ended not because they’re your soulmate. But for a slew of other reasons that you’ve thought about and dealt with long before it actually ended.

Even if the facts blindsided you. The way I was. Because behind all the lies and tears, all the drama I put myself through and all the love I thought I was experiencing, I knew better. There were things my soul and my heart knew that my head totally ignored or thought I could control and overcome. We all do this to ourselves – over and over and over again. Until we stop.

Mind your mind: your mind is a foolish part of you. There I said it! Your mind will play tricks on you, cause you to dream, cause you to feel victimized and then justify the sadness you’re enduring. It’s going to hurt to see them and you need to make your mind your ally, not your enemy. This is a lot harder than we mere humans have learned.

Ignore the turn-on: your body is going to react to seeing them. Seriously. Hard, wet, swirly, girly, puffing out your chest… anything and everything is going to be on alert when you see them. And you’re going to have to ignore every one of those sensations. You can’t sleep with them no matter how flirtatious or kind; no matter the apology or their interest in you.

You must walk away. My friend calls it quicksand… you have to grab the rope of sanity and keep yourself on dry land. It’s tough. But if you succumb to a romp in the hay, you’d as well start all over again.

How do you prepare for seeing your ex? Stop waiting for that apology.

Once a heart is broken, you think the only person who can mend it is the person who left or who hurt you and that’s the last person who can truly help you.

It’s just not fair but what your ego wants is that apology. Whereas, what your heart wants, is for you to stay far, far away from them.

It’s this duality that’s going on inside. We think we need them to grovel and come back or beg us to come back. But that’s just those fantasies again. So the apology isn’t from them. The apology you need is the one you give yourself for loving someone who could hurt you so badly. It’s a sobering personal moment.

How do you prepare for seeing your ex? Be prepared for grieving.

Your heart is going to hurt when you see them, especially if they’re your most important teacher. I hate to admit this to you. I wish I could write that you’re going to be fine. You will be. Eventually.

At first, the first few times you see them, it’s really going to throw you. So stay away from them as long as you can.

Even if they’re the other parent to your children. (I do everything I can to stay away from those who hurt me – why throw salt on a wound?) But when you do see them, know you’ll have a slew of feelings and physiological sensations. Then, over time, as you heal, as you gain greater clarity and wisdom, it’ll get easier and easier.

Will you ever be able to handle it? Yes. Over and over again as you heal and feel better about the ending of something that wasn’t supposed to work out in the first place. Will you love them still? Even a little? Possibly. Probably. But not to the degree you once did.

How do you prepare for seeing your ex? As you heal, and put your life together again, you’ll be able to see them without falling apart.

The last time I saw him, it still hurt a little but he looked bloated, stressed, and unhealthy. The turn-on was gone. As I’ve created a new life for myself and took back those streets and restaurants, I realized if he didn’t want to be my true love, why in the world would I spend any more time thinking about him?

Want more?

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit The Better Divorce ebook.

3 Personal Tips For Coping With Divorce Due To Infidelity

November 3, 2017

The experience of coping with divorce due to infidelity is hard to do. Infidelity can eat at our psyche. Even long after a divorce decree is signed. Too often, it makes us question everything: our sex appeal, our judgment, our willingness to open our hearts and minds to love again. Infidelity makes us feel less-than easily harming self-esteem and self-worth. Here are 3 personal tips for coping with divorce due to infidelity.

It’s the lies more than anything when coping with divorce due to infidelity.

Sometimes, it’s not so much the actual affair in and of itself that hurts, as much as the on-going betrayal and lies that occurred. As adults, many of us have had transactional sex and many marriages are salvaged and made better even after short-term affairs. The difficult part with infidelity is coping with the betrayal – the lies and manipulation that one’s most intimate friend and the supposed partner created to sustain the actions and justify what they were doing over a long period of time. This is when infidelity cuts deep and hope for a happy future is left behind.

We are fascinated by other people.

We’re deeply involved with the lives of our spouses. I’ve found that after infidelity and divorce, there is this on-going, obsessive thinking loop about what and why and how and when the cheating partner broke marital vows and broke up a marriage. This thinking and ensuing feelings go on a really long time without intervention and perspective. It becomes it’s own self-perpetuating habit and affects everything like binge-watching Netflix in the family kitchen during dinner.

It’s important to put things in a big perspective and pull your attention back from them. They are gone. He was a cheater. She lied, wove stories, manipulated, and controlled. It was for a lot of reasons including for the rush of power and control. Sometimes it verges on being sociopathic. Oftentimes it’s narcissistic. Usually, it’s simply mean or the only way to end something that wasn’t working on a very deep level.

For those left in the wake of infidelity, I encourage seeking good help.

Your future self-needs some hope and optimism. It’s time to stop the anger, worrying, and righteousness. The habitual self-criticism doesn’t help. You have to shift the focus back from them to your own heart, mind, and spirit. Back to your life. Which is a lot easier said than done. There’s no shortcut to healing a broken heart and the loss of trust that infidelity creates. Part of your healing has to be the development of self-discipline over how you think about yourself. You will need to relearn how you talk to yourself. What you do to yourself and to others, as a result, is part of the healing.

Daily, consistent, sustained effort is part of coping with divorce due to infidelity.

Every day you’ll be plagued with questions of how they did it and why. You will obsess over what it meant or means about you as a lover, a person or a co-parent. If you’re not disciplined, you’ll obsess for hours on end. Maybe even wanting to seek revenge (even if you don’t do anything about your fantasies) and you’ll want to use your children to get even. To punish. If you’re not careful, you’ll be asking, “why should they see your kids when they broke up the family?” The self-righteousness will eat at you if you let it. This is an important reason why caring for yourself is so necessary. And giving yourself a safe place to process, critical.

You matter:

Pulling the attention away from them and back on to you while you’re dealing with a new life is difficult. You won’t feel worthy of being important. You’ll make excuses about how much work you have to do and how you have to do everything for your kids. Remember, you matter. You’re entitled to have fun, to laugh, and to smile. Hope is available even when you’re having a tough day!

You have a right to a great life.

Don’t be embarrassed (or ashamed) to admit you’re grateful. You have a new chance at life. At love. Regardless of how you’re feeling, it’s true. You have a right to a great life with someone, if you wish, who can respect and cherish you more than they care about themselves.

The quiet moments are tough when you’re coping with divorce due to infidelity.

It’s easy to say the right things to your friends and family on a good day when you know how to get them to leave you alone. Anxiety usually creeps in during the quiet moments. Mostly, late at night or when the kids are with their other parent. Those are the moments you’re going to have to be extra careful and kind to yourself. Just when you’re trying to relax, you’ll start to be alert to negative habitual thoughts or feelings that find their way in.

I worked extra hard to develop my self-discipline at those times. It wasn’t easy to learn how to manage my thoughts and feelings so they wouldn’t take me down. But I processed by writing, giving myself permission to feel the things I didn’t want to. It wasn’t ever easy. The work gave me a good understanding of the parts of my belief system that needed attention.

There’s nothing wrong with you:

You will mend and you will love again if you want to. But unfortunately, it doesn’t just happen. You won’t wake up one day and fall in love without putting in the effort to heal. And it also, usually, doesn’t happen all at once either so don’t panic! The fear which is slowing you down is important and justified at the moment. But I also don’t want you to think there’s something wrong. Nothing’s wrong with you! Those tears are normal. Your anger justified. Your fear warranted. It’s staying stuck in these emotional states for a long time (like years and years, and years) that becomes the problem. I call it Post Traumatic Divorce Disorder™.

Feel Your Feelings:

While you’re in fear or crying, please feel those feelings. You are simply processing. Sometimes I find people think they need to be matter-of-fact about the infidelity, too embarrassed to admit it. It makes perfect sense not to spread gossip about yourself in your community or at the office. But then, if you don’t feel safe in your community, you’ll need to find safe support elsewhere.

Furthermore, you owe this to yourself. You need to know you’re not alone. Eventually, you will learn a new way of thinking about it all (that big perspective) and you’ll want to have a new group of friends. Over time, you’ll even have the courage to step back out into the world with more self-esteem, proud of the work you’ve done for yourself.

Love is worth it:

Hopefully, you may even want someone next to you in your bed at night. (Animals don’t count.) At that point, knowing what you know, you’ll have a better picker. You’ll be more open to dating, more transparent about your needs, able to communicate your boundaries. There is value in being seen and heard, respected and loved. I know love is possible.

With scars, it takes courage, time, a system and a good mentor. Your heart, mind, and spirit need you to focus on you. Your new partner – the one who matters – needs you to focus on you for the time being and then to make the courage to meet them. To trust again. The hope I speak of is real and attainable when you focus on yourself and your healing after infidelity.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of The Better Divorce and doingDivorce™ School – online coaching programs for those ready to shed the pain of breakups. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com