Laura Bonarrigo

Life Coach

Post-Divorce

How To Tell Your New Boyfriend About Your Recent Divorce — Without Scaring Him Off.

Walking, couple, smiling as she tells him about her divorce without scaring him off.When a divorce is done and over with, the next thing to do typically starts with meeting new people and dating. Not necessarily to find another marriage but to find intimacy, companionship, and friendship with the opposite sex. After all, everyone gets beat up in the face of the separation, negotiation, and fight. So knowing how to tell your new boyfriend about your recent divorce – without scaring him off is a big deal! Basically… if you mess it up, you’re in for more heartbreak.

When divorce is done and over with

Dating after divorce feels like a breath of fresh air to most people. (At least those still interested in intimacy, sex, friendship, and even children.) Most people want that soulmate even if they don’t want more. But we forget that going through a divorce is a real thing. It truly is life-changing. I call it a modern-day rite of passage. The memories and feelings don’t easily wash off with a hot shower. They linger like the smell of hot city streets when it hasn’t rained. You see the positive results of healing work when a divorcé has begun to put their life back together again.

Dating after divorce is risky.

You have to understand that without that personal growth, most dating just ends up in extended hook-ups, not lifetime soulmates. It doesn’t really matter what age you are. It’s just that sex feels a whole lot better than facing any sort of healing. Especially if you’re tired of therapy and trying to make your marriage work. (I’m talking about the self-assessment, the lifetime of relationship misunderstandings, the grief, the lifestyle changes few want to face or do.) But without doing the right kind of “work” as it’s usually called, another heartbreak or another divorce typically, inevitably, follow.

For the record can we all agree that breakups hurt? And that heartbreak is real? Can we agree on that? Because most people don’t want another heartbreak. Unfortunately, most people think they won’t be hurt by just dating. As opposed to marrying. Which is foolish and ignorant. You only ensure you won’t be heartbroken by not falling in love with someone else. Which means, no dating and ultimately, little to no sex.

Now that we understand that dating to find true love requires doing some healing (and focusing on the right kind of healing work for you) we can get on with the premise.

Know how to tell your new boyfriend about your recent divorce.

I was very young when I was first divorced. Most guys my age were just beginning to think seriously about finding a girl to commit to. So, I ended up dating all these divorced dads. (Which my mom hated!)

I had to own up to my behavior. My divorce story had to reflect on how I had made a big mistake. Those divorced dads loved my story because I told them I wasn’t interested in getting married again. But my mom was right… those relationships couldn’t go anywhere because I was too young to be a step-mom and forgo my own life goals. Never mind, there was more healing ahead of me.

As a divorced mom, years later, my story had to be told all over again. It was even harder this time! How to tell a guy that I had seen the signs but was too afraid to leave? That I had spent hours and hours in therapy trying to do the work of two people and fell short? Was he going to expect to have to take care of me financially? Was he wondering about the relationship between me and my children’s other parent?

No more could I hide behind a naive young girl’s mistake. It was time for me to own up to all of it. And to find out if this man, this new love, was going to stick around.

A white woman looking straight at camera thinking about how to tell her boyfriend about her recent divorce without scaring him.Everyone gets beat up in the face of the separation, negotiation, and fight.

Fortunately for me, I continued to date divorced dads. So inherently we both understood the process of separation: the lost love, the arguments or the lack of attention, the parting negotiation, the anger, the fighting, the costs. Fortunately, we could commiserate.

But commiserating wasn’t and has never been what I’ve wanted to do. (I’ve been doing my healing!) Commiserating only guarantees more heartbreak because both people stay stuck. I have always wanted the real deal.

Getting through the pain and healing of divorce takes a commitment and some tough work. You learn to own your part. The ugly, imperfect qualities you inhabited or expressed during the past relationship. You learn to face your preconceived misunderstandings about relationship and marriage, the opposite sex, and your role as spouse and parent.

How To Tell Your New Boyfriend About Your Recent Divorce — Without Scaring Him Off.

Through trial and error, I’ve learned, you start off on the right foot. You share your version of your truth. There’s no need (if you’ve done some healing) to share all the details. It’s much easier not to indulge the latest gossip or whining and complaining. When you show up with some graciousness and wisdom, it goes a long way to earning a guy’s trust.

I also refuse to trash talk my children’s father or a divorced dad’s ex-wife. Trash talking doesn’t get anyone anywhere close to a soulmate. You know this by now! If you’re trash-talking your ex, he’s thinking, he’ll be the next man being trashed by you. And if he’s bad-mouthing his ex and his kids, you know, it’s just a question of time before you’ll be the next woman he hates.

Creating intimacy, companionship, and friendship with the opposite sex.

Too many people leave a marriage filled with resentments and anger about their ex-spouse but transfer that anger and resentments onto other women or men.

If you’re still angry and processing the hurt, don’t expect to find the love of your life. Instead, socialize and then date to heal your experiences with the opposite sex. There are good people on this planet. Kind people. But until you’re feeling worthy of love and kindness, you won’t feel comfortable around good people.

You’ll be so caught up in not trusting anyone, that you won’t be able to be around people, men, who want to do good things for you. It’s an odd sensation. You want sex. Attention feels good but you don’t trust the guy next to you. And how could you? Afterall, going through a divorce is a real thing.

You can’t create a new love with resentments and anger.

So when you’re dating a new guy and you really, really like him, press pause for a minute. It’s time for some assessing. Can you talk about your ex without becoming hot and bothered? Have you made peace with your lifestyle adjustment? Are you standing on your own two feet again?

If you can’t answer these prompts with something positive, you’re not really ready to fall in love. Sure, you can use a man to heal. You can experience good sex, intimate conversations, learn to trust guys again, but you’ll scare him off if you share what’s really going on for you. He’ll think he can’t fill your bottomless pit.

All it means is that you’ve got more emotional healing work to do. (I’d be lying if I wrote anything else.)

Woman with cateye eyeliner and subtle makeup looking off into the distance thinking about how to tell her boyfriend about her recent divorce without scaring him off.It’s doable.

When a guy comes to me and talks about the woman he’s crazy about but goes on and on about her pain – the pain he can’t help her heal – I remind him it’s not his job to heal a woman’s pain. It’s her job.

And it’s doable. If you interested in finding a soulmate (or just a partner and a father for your kids) then you owe it to yourself and to him to do your own work. Stop yourself before even thinking of using other people for the emotional growth you’re capable of doing on your own. Bring him your best self.

Telling your boyfriend about your recent divorce without scaring him off is a big deal!

Basically… if you mess it up, you’re in for more heartbreak. No man can do your healing for you. (And you can’t do his!) Your process is your responsibility. Most people want true intimacy and love. Most divorced dads want a woman to fill the hole in the family structure. They want kindness. You have to be able to trust them.

So when you go to tell your boyfriend about your divorce, do so with the wisdom you’ve gained from this modern-day rite of passage. Know who you are now away from the courtship, the fighting, and the divorce. Learn to trust your intuition and believe you’re worthy of true love. Why else be out there dating and worrying about telling your boyfriend about your recent divorce?

I firmly believe in the power of love.

I truly believe those leaving a divorce are looking for a soulmate (not just someone to hang out with). But I’ve also had to learn the hard way that there’s a real process to overcome the effects of a divorce. It takes real time and a commitment to find the healing for you.

When you do, you’ll be ready to tell your new boyfriend about your recent divorce and he’ll admire all you’ve learned. He’ll be able to trust you with his heart. He’ll know you’re capable of handling pressure and stress. You’ll impress him with your strength and your ability to love again. You’ll inspire him to want to be with you. And you won’t scare him off!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

 

Sick Of Feeling Miserable About Your Divorce? Here’s How To Stop Thinking About It For A While

Woman on beach not thinking about her divorce for awhileSummertime is upon us and for those struggling with the legal and emotional needs of separating from a long-term relationship, you may be anticipating long hours working with your attorney or bemoaning your relationship status. Are you sick of feeling miserable about your divorce? Here’s how to stop thinking about it for a while so that you don’t lose all the sunshine and fun available to you over the next few months.

Feeling miserable about your divorce is to be expected.

It’s natural that you’ll feel the hit. Whether you were the one who wanted out or not. But it’s not so easy to stop thinking about your divorce, even for a little while and this is where frustration and anger come in. No one wants to lose the summer fun we’ve all grown to expect. When you catch everyone up on the latest legal twists and turns of your case, you can ruin a good burger never mind a few friendships.

Here’s how to stop thinking about your divorce for a while.

Focus on those in front of you. Focus on what their lives are all about. Even for just a few minutes. By focusing on other people, you get to let go of your divorce story. Sure, they’re going to ask you a lot of questions – after all, a divorce story is waaaaaaaaay more entertaining than most people’s lives. But sharing it comes at a price: the price of your peace of mind. 

Everyone needs the latest details, the gossip, the advice-giving. It becomes its own thing. As the summer unfolds, you’ll find you spend more time catching everyone up on what he or she did or said than actually enjoying your friends at a BBQ. 

If you want to feel better, you have to stop thinking about your divorce for a while. Focusing on others is the first step.

Try something new.

Woman surrounded by bubbles not thinking about her divorce for a whileAnything new – a new band, a new beach, a new restaurant, new people. Surround yourself with people who didn’t know you when you were married. Let yourself be transported by their lives and what’s going on around you. It’s fun, once you get used to the uncomfortable, “I’m getting out of my comfort zone” sensation.

By trying something new, you not only shift from being miserable about your divorce to the idea that you’re capable of doing anything. Sure, you may only be taking an Indian cooking class, but when was the last time you did something you’ve always wanted to do? When was the last time you took that road trip? Or treated yourself to a beach cabana complete with cocktails for the day?

Recreating your life starts with little steps and big efforts. You must get through those awkward moments to reap the reward of feeling good about yourself again.

If you’re sick of feeling miserable about your divorce, you have to stop thinking about THEM.

When you are consumed with the details, the legalities, the loss, your ex, the person you’re desperately trying to let go of – no matter whether you initiated the separation or not –  is the only person on your mind.

This is normal. It is natural but it’s also very destabilizing. You will feel miserable about your state if you continue to be consumed with your ex. In order to stop feeling miserable about your divorce, you have got to stop thinking about them. And it’s not easy!

It takes moment by moment effort to shift your thinking to what’s going on right in front of you. The more you do it, the easier it gets. But you’ll do it over and over again before it feels natural. 

Try paddle boarding to avoid feeling miserable about your divorce.Which is why it’s fun to try something totally new! (And forget about something or someone you know a lot about!) Go learn something new. Activate your mind and body and forget about them for a little while.

Be brave

The last thing you will feel is brave. You’ll feel lonely, scared, and angry. But in order to rise to the occasion and actually enjoy everything summer has to offer, you have to. At least at the beginning. It’s not easy to step away from the fight and allow yourself to enjoy something, anything. It’s almost impossible at first. Which is where being brave comes in. You’ll have to make some courage to do all the things I’ve suggested. None of them come easily or naturally. 

Instead, you may find yourself reaching for the things you used to do like drinking or using again. I’m not here to preach to you but avoiding your feelings and stuffing them down with old habits, won’t help. They simply prolong the pain. And you will not crumble from pain. 

The longer you avoid feeling your feelings and processing what really happened, the longer it’s going to take to feel good. And you risk being stuck with Post Traumatic Divorce Disorder™. 

When you’re stuck, you can’t get out of your own way. Everything suffers. You won’t just lose this summer, you’ll lose many summers to come. Unfortunately, most people don’t talk about the risks inherent in not healing from your heartache. People think it just happens or figure, “this is the way things are going to be.” Nothing could be further from the truth.

If you’re sick of feeling miserable about your divorce, you must get into an active practice of healing.

You must bravely face whatever you need to heal. And many people would rather not. Which is fine if that’s what you want. But I think losing more than one summer is way too much time to be miserable. 

When we look around, there are plenty of people who would rather feel sorry for themselves than actively pursue something different. I don’t blame them but I do feel sorry for them. No one wants to admit to being a victim but without a bigger context, it is difficult to change. It’s nearly impossible to do so without help. 

Healing allows you to fall in love again. It helps you forgive yourself and your part in the breakup. When you make courage you meet new people and do new things. Your life begins to open up again. And you shift your attention from comparing who you used to be with your ex to who you are today. It’s very freeing. And it’s an active practice. 

I encourage you to let yourself heal and to stop feeling miserable about your divorce. You are allowed to have a great life. You also need to do the work to get there. (Which in truth can be good fun when you let it be – cabana’s anyone?) So consider joining any of the resources I have to offer on this website and the links below. I know you’re capable of way more than you realize!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

The Hardest Part About Being A Single Mom (& How To Deal With It)

Being A Single MomBeing a single mom

Being a single mom, you want to be happy and provide a safe home but usually, don’t know how to keep yourself feeling positive, don’t really believe you will be happy and don’t know how to deal with providing for everything you know you need for your kids.

The hardest part about being a single mom is knowing that hope and dreams are possible even in the face of tremendous fear.

The way to deal with that part is to surround yourself with those who feel the same way. Your community, including your children, are the seeds of possibility. What’s the hardest part about being a single mom? Finding the right kind of people who will help you make your future dreams come true.

Leaving a marriage, there’s always this combination of fear and excitement whether you wanted out or not.

Both are valid – the dreams pull you out of marriage, the fears keep you from falling fast. Most women just want to be happy and be able to provide a safe home. They want to rush to the end of the story. But they don’t know how to keep themselves feeling positive. They don’t believe they’ll be truly happy with all of the stress. They don’t know how to provide financially for themselves way too often, and they’re worried about their kids.

For many single moms, those dreams usually include (fingers crossed) a new home filled with hope, joy, even happiness if possible. Maybe a new lover. A place for dreams to come true. However, in the beginning, chaos and confusion typically reign as a single mom does her very best to set up a new home for her children.

The familiar rules which kept two adults parenting together fall away in the face of just kids and mom. There’s this intense sense of not knowing what’s going on or what to do first. One of the hardest parts of being a single mom is believing that you’ve got this. Even amid the fear. That you and your children will manage, figure things out, and even thrive.

Chaos and confusion are at the root of what it takes to create a home filled with hope and dreams. You cannot create possibility out of a broken framework. A marriage between a mother and father that didn’t hold together is a broken framework. So at first, you will feel as if everything is falling apart and you don’t know what you’re doing. And you don’t. Actually, you can’t. Your kids don’t know what to expect and neither do you.

Happiness and joy come out of that chaos.

Without it, you can’t begin to create your new home. Your new home is built on top of this new family structure, and together you and your children, are the ones who have to make it work. And that’s never easy.

To believe in possibility, new dreams, even new love requires accepting how to deal with this part of separation. You will be in chaos and confusion until you accept and deal with recreating your rules, boundaries, and self-discipline in the face of pain, upset, expenses, and single-parenting. The moment is difficult. I wish I could tell you differently.

I have found that those who set up any other unrealistic expectations in their new household,  any sort of perfection really, like some super strict “family rule” guidelines, are setting themselves up for denial and dysfunction.

No one goes through a divorce without having to deal with their broken hearts.

Not adults. Not children. And perfection or guidelines requiring 100% compliance without compassion fall short of dealing.

Being A Single MomSurrounding yourself with people who not only grasp this reality but also support your efforts to deal with it, by letting you, is paramount. You cannot do it alone. You also cannot do it the way you used to when you were married and supposedly in a good place.

That looks like leaning into new friends, finding a new community filled with compassion instead of judgment, and being with those who understand what you’re up against.

Creating hope and possibility out of a broken heart is the stuff dreams are made of.

Because creating hope and possibility out of the old set of rules, listening to the old criticism and being immersed in self-incrimination, judgment or despair doesn’t work.

To develop emotional resilience and hope means (breathe in now) that you have to take a step away from your past and surround yourself with faith in possibility. No matter what you may be thinking, this kind of faith demands acceptance and compassion.

Forgiveness even. It has more to do with a bigger perspective, filled with possibility than it has to do with hanging onto what you’ve known or are used to from the past.

This takes faith and courage.

But it’s not just faith and courage. It’s saying no to answering every single text 24/7 no matter how difficult it is to resist. It’s about letting a few things slide (in my home, kids aren’t required to make their beds anymore). It’s about a no-lying policy at my house. It’s about deleting those who are critical of me and my parenting style from my contact list no matter how many memories we once shared. It was about allowing myself to change how I parent as a single mom instead of taking on a more limiting set of rules and guidelines. In fact, it was all about opening up to the possibility. A bigger perspective.

Faith, courage, action steps.

In the chaos and confusion inherent in the lifestyle shift, you may be unsure of how to do these things despite trying your hardest. That’s where finding a new community becomes mandatory. Honestly, I would not be where I am today without my new support structure. I’m not saying to get rid of those who are your champions. However, I am saying, quite emphatically, in fact, to find a new group to help you on your way to your life filled with dreams.

In order to find a new support structure, you step into faith.

And, it takes courage to do just that. As you start your new lifestyle as a single mom, you’ll most likely, pull-in. You’ll be ashamed, scared, unsure even though you’re doing your best. But trusting others is the furthest thing from your mind. I totally get that! The hardest part of being a single mom is to believe you’re worthy of a new group of positive, kind, compassionate people. When you look for them though, they may be hard to see.

I had to look a long time. Unfortunately, it took a while, filled with trial and error, to find my new community. I thought it looked like my old life, my old kind of friends, my old type of lovers. Boy, was I wrong!

Looking for a new support structure.

Surrounding yourself with compassionate, supportive, action-oriented, that kind of kick in your butt with love sort of support doesn’t come naturally when you’re feeling alone and isolated in chaos and confusion. It takes some work. So don’t give up!

Try not to confuse that effort with falling in love or getting that promotion at work. Or even getting away from that other parent however much that is driving you. Those steps are a part of the overall Being A Single Momhealing but not the kind of support that will help you develop true faith and courage in yourself as a single mom. In some ways, those steps are like candy.

Or they’re the sprinkles on the frosting, not the ingredients of a dream life. Only those who have been where you are will know that. At first, it’s easy to get confused by distractions.

At first, the hardest part about being a single mom is going to be the self-discipline to find a part of you willing and able to shift.

To realize that even with all the work you’ve done being a single mom (and I know you’ve done a ton of work already) there’s still room for more. And you’re worthy of opening up to it. You’re even worthy of having your dreams made possible. And you’re especially worthy of happiness and love.

If you’re willing to take a good look at the chaos and confusion you’re in, and ready to step into the possibility of being happy, delighted even with your life, join me in doingdivorce™ School. Because I’ve built this school on compassion and acceptance – the very ingredients you need to make your dreams come true.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

Scared of Dating After Divorce? You Should Be

Scared of Dating After Divorce? You Should BeIf you’re like many people leaving an unhappy marriage, I believe that you’re on a quest, looking for love. So naturally, dating after divorce features prominently in the hearts and minds of those separating. Love is our calling card and those in the midst of breakups are in desperate need of love.

Often times, dating means finding new sex, comfort, maybe even evidence that you’re just fine and ready for the rest of what life has to offer. 

Unfortunately, for many, that optimism is short-lived especially after a series of uncomfortable dates or needy love-making. Are you scared of dating after divorce? You should be if you’re unprepared and misguided.

Let’s assume you want to find the perfect soulmate or at least someone you can have great sex with. (Usually, these are the knee-jerk reactions for dating after divorce).The issue isn’t that having sex or finding a soulmate is wrong – I am not saying, don’t have sex.

It’s thinking that dating or sleeping with someone means you’re fine, healthy, ready to dance the jig.

Don’t imagine you can handle moving out or living alone without any emotional repercussions. Or that the negotiations are going perfectly, and you have plenty of intellectual bandwidth to entertain a new lover. When people are cut off from their emotions or self-awareness, they go down the “I’m great” road. They forget going through a divorce is hard.

Let’s assume you care about others and this period of time is a little tough for you. (News flash: I like these ground rules best.) It also sets you up to be coachable and available for new love when the timing is right.

When you first leave a marriage, you’re used to the kind of person you just left.

This is no fault of yours consciously, it’s simply the way you’ve been wired and the effect of the amount of time you’ve spent with this partner.

So naturally, when you meet new people, those most like your ex are going to be the most comfortable. You’ll also not see this in any obvious fashion – it usually doesn’t show up until that new relationship ends. But eventually, you’ll notice it which is why dating after divorce, those first few hook-ups Scared of Dating After Divorce? You Should Beusually add more fuel to the fire of a broken heart.

 

I remember my first forays dating after divorce. I knew that those I usually gravitated to were the worst for me. And even though there was an attraction, the flirting and sex would eventually get me into hot water. Time after time, I noticed that even though they looked different, had different levels of education, different body types or hair color ultimately, unconsciously, they were just the same: controlling, needy, wanting me to be a certain way. And inevitably, the relationship would end. Thank goodness I understood the growth trajectory of dating after divorce.

There’s this period when you have to learn who you are in the present, away from the courtship, the marriage, the fight.

You have to get to know who you are again on your own. What makes you happy? Turns you on? What kind of food do you prefer to eat? TV shows do you really want to watch? How do you like to spend your weekends?

As you become reacquainted with yourself after divorce, you have to become willing to date a lot of different people. It’s part of the new experiment. Which can also lead to more broken hearts.

If you’re committed to finding a soulmate, you’re going to hurt a little longer if you rush into dating after divorce quickly. 

Most people are not ready for a speedy commitment right away. There are those leaving marriages who want to ignore commitment. They’re tired of all the negotiations. They want a break from compromising.

Falling in love is not without the stages of negotiation that are inherent in every relationship. If you’re just looking to make love, tell someone. But if you’re pretending to want a relationship and unwilling to go through the stages of negotiating the terms of your commitment, really just wanting sex, you’ll break a lot of hearts.

I suggest you use the entire sentence: “I really like you, want to spend time with you, have sex with you… etc. but I’m not emotionally ready for a committed relationship.”

These days, we have sex out of marriage – shocker! Obviously not, but the shock comes when men and women misread the opposite sex. There are plenty of men and women willing to engage in having sex without needing a relationship. What they want is communication. What your potential lover wants, is to have a fair chance to make the decision for themselves, not be promised one thing and then ghosted after a few months. (Doing so just adds to their past betrayals and re-injures their broken hearts.)

I am constantly amazed at the fortitude people have after divorce – especially dating after divorce! 

Their desire to get it right, their need for companionship, their misguided sense of being able to live on their own, and their willingness to persevere – to find what they’re looking for and to go on date after date in order to do so.

In order to handle dating after divorce, you’ll want to remember that everyone you meet has a past. That they’re doing the best they can and that most likely, you can’t help them heal on your own. You get to add delight to their lives: you get to be charming, kind, and romantic. You get to show up speaking in full sentences and communicating where you are in the process.

 

Scared of Dating After Divorce? You Should BeYou don’t get to pretend romance, sex, and the oxytocin hormone (that love/bonding hormone) means you’ve found your soulmate (that would be super naive). Equally, you don’t get to pretend you can manage being single the rest of your life… ah, you might want to check out being stuck and Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™. 

In order to handle dating after divorce, you have to know that you, yourself need time to heal.

There will be a time, once you do your work, when you’ll be ready for all that relationships have to offer. Including, the negotiating stages, the commitment, and possibly even marriage again. But without being informed and on the right track, you will find the experience hard, even scary.

  • Develop an awareness of who you are today and what you want.
  • Learn what dating means in this online dating world. Grasp the number of dates you’ll most likely go on (often between 100-300!)
  • Learn what uncommitted sex looks like when you are the one falling in love!
  • Trust you’re on the right path when you’re able to manage the loneliness and loss of your marriage. This occurs when you stop using others to make the pain go away.
  • Believe that love is possible. It’s what we do when we’re at our best, so try not to pretend you don’t need it.

If these suggestions seem difficult on your own, consider my daily emails to help you understand what you’re up against and doingDivorce™ School (Enrollment starts April 23rd!). I believe you do not need to be afraid of dating after divorce. You do, however, need to take some time to heal. You’ll want to understand the love you have to offer yourself and others.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

Does The Thought Of Your Ex Fill You With Rage? 9 Empowering Ways To Deal With Anger & Move On

I’m a big fan of anger. I like how it feels as it moves through my body. There’s that adrenaline rush, the momentum, the feelings of power and invincibility. I like all I’m able to accomplish when my anger is focused and directed toward a greater good. But I also know the toll it takes on me. How coming off anger or in this case, rage occurred only when I was good and ready. It was much harder than I like to admit. Does the thought of your ex fill you with rage? Here are 9 empowering ways to deal with anger and move on.

The feelings of anger and rage.

When I experienced this sort of intensity toward the man I once called my best friend and lover, it was an upsetting and confusing time. Here I was, caught up in something I loved feeling while being made useless by the after-effects of the high. Does the thought of your ex fill you with rage? I’ve got your back!

Perspective: here are 9 empowering ways to deal with anger and move on.

Coping with divorce is difficult enough without the heightened betrayal, broken promises, forgotten agreements and unspoken expectations. I hold myself to a high standard, I show up in integrity so when I find myself at the effects of others’ stuff in any part of my life, I have little room for frustration and can easily lose it.

Remembering that every partnership requires spoken and unspoken agreements applies to marriages and being lovers. When trust is broken and you can no longer believe the person you once called yours, a suitable reaction is to become defensive and angry.

(News Flash: I’d like to remind you at this point in our discussion, that two people in agreement and willing to maintain their trust rarely, if ever, end things…)

So don’t expect that you’re going to be able to easily handle unexpected news during discovery or trial. When you see your lost dreams spelled out in black and white, you’re probably not going to remain serene, graceful, and generous. When you have the expectation that being pissed off and in full-blown rage is appropriate, it’ll be a lot easier for you to handle. Every fiber of your being is going to become activated to protect and defend your place in the world.

Childhood lessons: feeling your feelings.

You’ve got to feel the feelings. If you’re one of those people who was taught that experiencing anger was a bad thing, you’re going to have a tough time dealing with the intensity of the rage as you try to figure out how to get over your breakup. You’ll find yourself judging your ex, your family, God, your career, the town you live in and the choices you’ve made. The anger is going to get misplaced: into your eating or drinking habits, the way you spend money, the way you pull in and try to hide your imperfect self from your friends. There’s nothing worse than being raised with some foolish idea that anger is a bad thing.

Anger:

This feeling has created the biggest and the best. It’s won wars. Anger has pushed people out of their comfort zones. Made heroes out of men. Saved lives, rescued animals, protected the environment and unfortunately, hurt some at the same time.

You need to get to know your anger. Become friends with it. Learn to channel that rage to help you solve your problems. Want to know the details of her affair? Use your anger. Need to understand where all the money went? Anger will propel you to hire a Private Eye. Need to understand how long the drugs have been part of your marriage? Anger’s a great place to start an intervention. What about all the lies, cheating, stealing… you won’t get anywhere if you sit still and pretend you can handle the news.

Anger will propel you into action and give you permission to make courage.

But if you don’t learn how to channel it, it’ll also hurt you. Remember when you were a child and you were told (hopefully) that you could feel your feelings but not harm yourself, another person, animals or property? In other words, you could cry, scream, yell, run out in a field, get on a bicycle and ride, go to a gym, run on that treadmill, play your music loud, do sports, and basically get the energy out any which way you needed to without hurting anyone or anything?

That’s what anger allows you to do – you use it to get into action and to solve your problems!

Healing from your anger:

If you didn’t get that lesson and anger is supposed to be shoved down with food or alcohol, drugs and cigarettes then you’ve been set up for illness, disease, unhappiness, and some bad self-care habits.

Perhaps rage was a no-no and you were told never to raise your voice or step up to defend yourself against an unjust accusation, then the thought of your ex is going to be tough to deal with. It’ll haunt you as you try to move forward with your separation.

Get to know what it feels like to channel this energy:

You are so much stronger and more capable than you think! I give you permission to channel your thoughts and energy into solving your problems.

Take that fuel and use it to figure out how to get a job, start a new career, master the tech gremlins and put your pictures online or learn to live within a budget so that you’re no longer in debt or beholden to another’s fickle feelings.

When you think about your ex, plan on experiencing a variety of feelings including rage. You have to expect it’s going to go on like this for awhile. There’s blame you’re going to want to place on them. Blame, you’re going to have to take on for yourself too. Divorce doesn’t happen between two healthy people equipped with excellent communication skills and top-notch intimacy.

Divorce is inherently a betrayal problem and betrayals cause us to defend our turf.

The problems come when you’ve forgotten what it’s like to create a new life, wake up with excitement (and fear) and still get going. You’ve found yourself on the other side of negotiation and still are upset? Be wary of Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™ it’ll keep you stuck in anger for many, many years if you let it.

Control:

If you’re still in a rage over what happened, then it’s time to just stop and get still. Consider how much control you’ve ever really had. I suspect not much. Wonder how much you can control your children, never mind time, aging, the judicial system, and the law? Probably slim to none now. And how much time have you put into trying to? I mean, I can barely control my hair on any given day never mind what my kids do in school or what my ex was doing while we were married. How the heck can I expect myself to handle my future without taking a break from the overwhelming and self-righteous anger? So I did.

It’s your choice:

I chose to get over my rage because there came a time when I was sick and tired of being angry. I couldn’t handle the rush any longer. The over-stimulation. The fists clenched, and the TMJ at night. I didn’t recognize the person I had to become to negotiate my settlement, figure out how to run my home, live in NYC with two kids on my own, and create a new career halfway through my life after not working for quite some time.

It was the fuel of anger that carved out this new me. 

But it also began to take its toll. I knew if I didn’t stop these feelings, that I was going to prematurely age. Something had to give and I was the only one who could make that happen. The day got better because I stopped waking up dreading it. I didn’t like how I was meeting my kids with exhaustion and fear, I didn’t like that every day felt like the one before, and I couldn’t imagine going on day after day with this same sort of dread and frustration.

What I did:

  • I decided to take a leap of faith and let go of trying to control everything and everyone. So, I immersed myself in the community. Took a risk to trust others again.
  • A decision: I was going to stop pushing myself and see what happened.
  • I was going to give the ex, the benefit of the doubt knowing that if push came to shove, it would fall in my lap anyway.
  • Chose to be pleasant. Not because anyone was deserving, but because I liked myself that way better.
  • I decided that if I was going to be in NYC, I had better start exploring it again.
  • No one is perfect. I figured that if I was going to have a future relationship with my kids, I’d better stop expecting them to show up perfect too.

It’s better for me and my life experience to have faith and to trust – to regain the very things broken by my heartache and loss.

I didn’t decide to have faith and trust because all of sudden what happened didn’t matter, I decided to take the risk because the alternative became unbearable. I will never forget. But I no longer need to define myself by that experience.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.