Post-Divorce Emotions

Crisis Mode-Things to Understand When Your Marriage is Over

January 17, 2017

“What’s happening?” You went through the ceremony, said all those words, made promises and went on a honeymoon. Those were real events… physical, real experiences and you took to heart the vows coming out of your mouth. Years passed, there were the routines, children, friends. What you had was the comfort, familiarity, love, partnership. And then one day, it was over and you went into crisis mode. You discovered the drugs, the girlfriends, his things packed, the locks changed. She left with the kids. You begin what feels like the worst moments of your life…

The crisis mode you get into when a marriage ends is such a fragile, frightening place. At first, you’re simply spinning, tethered to this immense fear and anxiety. Instinct takes over as you start to search for answers to something you’ve no idea how to figure out. When you begin to see the marriage you’ve been living, it feels nearly impossible to look at this time as good. This is good old-fashioned, “I’m freaking out!” time. You’re going to be in a crisis mode for some time before you’re ready to see the big picture.

Understand that your behavior in this crisis moment is quite normal.

You’ve been the fish in the fishbowl unaware of what your life really has been for a long time. Tolerance and your rose-colored glasses have kept you feeling it’s all you, and the role of being blamed, has you convinced that you’re responsible for the breakdown or the opposite, 100% the victim.

What you don’t get is just how fragmented the agreement’s been for a really long time. How having a spouse in your bed, a mortgage, vacations or even family celebrations isn’t the same as partnership, fidelity or respect. This is when you begin to grasp the person who’s been your spouse and to take stock of your life. In the crisis mode, balancing this understanding while feeling unstable and having compassion is difficult.

In the freak-out, it feels as if your reality, your marriage – the thing you believed in and did every day – never really existed. As you search for blame, you feel like you lived a fantasy in a house of cards. So duped, used, unbelievably naive, you will thrash about.

The feelings of being foolish or stupid, and overcome with anger can easily frighten you to your core. You grapple about looking for a reality check because you will go over and over and over the details of your marriage. Unfortunately, in the crisis mode, you will review every conversation, every moment, every voice message, and every email until you figure out the lies. Then you will catalog the disrespect, the lack of love all in order to become steady on your feet.

In the crisis mode, understand you will search for information to blame.

Even though you won’t want to feel the hurt, the anger, loss, panic, and the tears, you will. You really can’t deal with being this wobbly. You’re not in any shape to face the future, never mind being positive and tethered to optimism or experiencing joy. So give yourself a break.

Knowing this, you’re going to feel weak, and unable to get out of bed in the morning. However, you may also experience the opposite, determined to hold it together with a framework of work and family duties. Some people waffle between the two while throwing in a few dates, lots of sex and anything that helps to numb out. Any of these reactions are common and you’re not alone.

Your armor will get thick. You stop trusting everyone – you’ll look around for spies, start using cash, worry that your email is being hacked. Every time you go out, you’ll wonder if there’s a PI behind you. You’ll question if your friends are still your friends. You’ll assume every professional from an attorney to your doctor to your kids’ teachers knew something you didn’t.

In the crisis mode, you’ll assume everyone is fabricating tales including me. This is the worst part of this part of the separation and breakup of your marriage. It’s a very lonely place because, in your pain and shame, you will pull in and hide from others who you think are judging, judging, judging.

Here too, in the crisis mode, you simply need an answer, anything tangible in order to piece the future together.

Find safe ground, there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s just that your marriage is over. You may also have work to do, even lots of work. Or you may have to parent or learn a few skills and change some habits. But no matter how difficult this crisis mode is, your life is just beginning.

In fear and resentment, this is incredibly hard to hear. In the crisis mode after a marriage, you’re also not the only one whose life was a mirage. That’s why I’m optimistic and bold and champion your courage. This is simply a period of time and you need it.

Despite the pain, you’ll take the steps necessary to make the torment and the panic go away. In so doing, the aching goes away and you will begin to get better and grow. The heartache and dread and the awareness of the crisis mode have to come first. It’s part of what’s going on. You have to see the truth.

Find Grace Under The Pressure Of Your Divorce This Holiday Season

December 13, 2016

Having been through heartache more than once, I really know how to behave badly around friends and former acquaintances. Catching up with your friends and family though, I hope the pressure of your divorce this holiday season is lighter. You see, I was brilliant at dumping my pain and frustration because of the pressure of my divorce. There was little to no grace. As a result, I lost a lot of friends and colleagues. It’s easy now to admit I misbehaved. But while I was going through my divorces, I was impossible to be around.

This holiday season, please accept my gift of apologies. I truly did not have the skills for safe lines of communication.

This was mostly because I simply didn’t know there was a way to have grace under pressure! Who knew the story I was living was impossible for those around me? I certainly didn’t and for those friends, I hurt by dumping, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. I really didn’t know any better!

As a coach, I hear a different perspective. I listen to the friends who are judgmental and exhausted really from listening to divorce this holiday season. Or the teachers who are fixated only on their students’ well-being, not the parent’s. And the attorneys and financial advisors who don’t really want to be therapists. They’re also not licensed to be, to begin with. And then there are the friends and family who don’t have a clue about how to help. During the holiday season, everyone is dealing with difficult emotions. Not just the person in their life going through a divorce.

The pressure of your divorce this holiday season is stressful. Period.

Going through a divorce is demanding. Even when we try, it’s difficult to leave the story of the divorce behind. It’s actually nearly impossible. The problem is that without a structure or a process to help someone going through a divorce stay stable, everyone has a tough time.

Working with a trained divorce coach is different than working with a therapist or unloading onto friends and family. A divorce coach keeps their clients stable. They give them new skills and help them look towards the future. To move forward in their lives instead of constantly reliving the past. Grace is developed because you’re able to create optimism.

You’re not alone, you’re not impossible… you’re in pain and need some new skills.

I can spot someone going through a divorce a mile away. They’re talking nonstop about their life (because they can’t stop themselves). The person who’s listening tends to be leaning back. They’re leaning as if to escape the onslaught of words and energy coming at them.

Your friends are torn because they wish they could help but they’ve lost their fun-loving friend. They don’t want to appear rude, and really want to be there, but not like this. Extended families are the worst because usually, they never liked the person we’re leaving. So they simply heap more fuel on the fire. Especially around the punch bowl.

Do yourself and all your friends and colleagues a favor and make the process less stressful for yourself. Find a good mentor in a divorce coach. You can go through and heal from divorce with grace. There are a few tools and some skills to learn. Go ahead and consider this a gift you give yourself. Your friends, colleagues, and family will thank you. This holiday season, you’ll have more fun and share joy together. As a result, you won’t lose them the way I did come the New Year.http://www.laurabonarrigo.com/ebook

Divorce Forgiveness-Should You Wait For “I’m Sorry”?

November 1, 2016

When we’re little we’re taught that forgiveness, saying, “I’m sorry” is supposed to fix every situation we get ourselves into. It’s the concept of ‘all I need to know I learned in Kindergarten philosophy.’ I personally love this in its simplicity. In reality, fortunately, forgiveness can often work. It opens up communication and community, even partnership.

In divorce, however, “I’m sorry’s” are usually hard to come by and we don’t like that.

Wanting to hear those words of forgiveness, expecting an apology or waiting for one, taps into our innocence. The child in us who wants their world order righted again. Or the spouse who wants their broken vows atoned for. The adult who is ashamed of what’s occurring in their lives who wants their world fixed. The problem is waiting for the person who hurt you to apologize is a futile act. It simply sets us up for greater disappointment.

As a result, you have to figure out what you’re really waiting for. Do you expect the forgiveness to bring you back together? Or is to feed your egos’ self-righteous anger? Perhaps it’s supposed to make the pain go away as you continue down the path of discovery and separation.

The bad news is, the pain won’t go away from hearing, “I’m sorry” from the person who’s hurt you.

Too many people think hearing an “I’m sorry… I’ve had an affair, I want a different life, I realize I’m gay, I don’t love you anymore…” will make the healing process easier to go through. Really? Not on your life. It might make you momentarily press pause on your inner critic and resentments or anger. But, your ego is not going to be grateful as an explanation for being hurt.

As you move through your separation and begin to grow, you realize that being able to forgive is never gonna to happen with your ex’s help. And you have to stop waiting around for it.

The personal pain of the breakup goes away when you accept your responsibility and then apologize to yourself.

This requires digging a little deeper and figuring out your part in the separation including your naiveté. Being naive isn’t a crime but it still causes people an enormous amount of pain. As you heal and grow, you have to look at the person you once were. The way you once assumed that things were good, didn’t work.

You can’t bring those habits into your future relationships. Instead, you’re going to have to make sure you understand the agreements you live with and take the time to keep them current. For example, did your sex life die and did you stop caring for your partner before they chose to break up with you or after?

This part of discovery has nothing to do with the person who’s gone and everything to do with the person you’re becoming.

Saying, “I’m sorry” to ourselves is a big part of healing. By recognizing the person you once were, you begin to accept what you did to yourself. Your divorce didn’t happen in a vacuum and understanding your part is a big, big piece of the healing process. It must be done. So start digging with someone who can help you process. It won’t be easy to find the forgiveness and start to move on without doing so.

Forgiveness isn’t easy. It’s not easy to come by and it’s definitely not easy to give to ourselves.

If you’re sitting here today unable to forgive the person you once were, go to the place where you find solace. That’s usually your God or a deeply personal place. Often when we’re angry with ourselves, it’s easier to go to a spiritual aspect that’s bigger. It doesn’t help to be mad at yourself for something you weren’t aware of in the past. In fact, that’s simply going to keep you stuck for a long time to come. So your best to stop judging yourself.

As much as you were part of the old relationship, you only knew what you knew.

This is part of the experience of divorce – the deeply personal part that’ll help you move into the next phase of your life. It’s time to own who you were. You must acknowledge what you did and then you have to let go. You can’t carry the anger or criticisms forward. Yes, you need to hear, “I’m sorry.” But waiting for an apology from the partner who left won’t have any meaning until you apologize to yourself.

As A Child Of Divorce-Will Your Divorce Be As Terrible As Your Parents’?

March 23, 2016

I was a child of divorce. That made me navigate some really tough times at home between my mom and my dad. I know that divorce colored all my choices of men. And I know that the opinion of my parents really mattered to me. The problem was that if I engaged with my dad, my mom was angry. And if I went against my dad, he’d become angry. I never felt as if I could make my own decisions. Or have my own perception of the new family arrangement. This went on for years and took a lot of energy out of me.

I’ve since learned the hard lesson of forgiveness, understanding, and patience.

As a child of divorce, I had to learn to forgive my parents for their relationship. As well as for their relationship with me and my brothers and sisters. But that hasn’t stopped me from making mistakes of my own with my children. I’ve had to come to terms with my marriage to my children’s father. Then I was able to come to peace with the life I currently have. This hasn’t been easy. I’ve experienced jealousy, envy, frustration and intense fear. I worry about my kids, want to protect them and at the same time, want to tell them every little detail. But I don’t.

This is what I can share from years of thinking about or dealing with the experience of divorce.

If you bad mouth the father or share too many inappropriate details, your child will pull away. They will argue with you and side with him. And if he speaks ill of you, they’ll rush out to protect you. Kids love their parents. They have to – it gives them stability. And unless a parent has seriously harmed a child, that child will love a parent even if an ex-spouse doesn’t.

Give them room to express their fears and questions. Then give them space to navigate their own age-appropriate understanding of what happened. As a result, you’ll appear non-threatening, and understanding. They’ll come toward you more.

Most kids know way more than we give them credit about what’s going on.

Intuitively they know what’s going on and they get the circumstances. They may be too young to verbalize that understanding or choose not to. But I believe, on a spiritual level, they get what’s going on. Some might even say your child’s spirit chose you and their father to learn and grow in this lifetime.

When they need help, find a way to get a professional for them to talk to. I’ve had a social worker, school teachers, guidance counselors, camp counselors, and psychologists talk to my kids over the years. Some things just can’t be discussed by you.

The other painful thing about not being able to weigh in on your child’s perception of your divorce is that you can’t.

You’re also sharing your child earlier than you may have wanted… before college or a summer camp say when they go off on their own. You have to share them now. I still hate that I don’t get to be with my kids all the time. But I also know I’ve got a great babysitter who’ll feed them pizza and let them stay up late but won’t put them in harm’s way.

I realize that I’m lucky and not every mom or dad is as fortunate as I am. I’m also incredibly grateful my kids have been well protected over the years. And luckily today, courts are catching on more and more to the need to protect children and keep them safe. I hope and trust if there are real issues at stake, you and your attorney are doing everything you can to protect your children.

This is their divorce as much as it is yours. They have a different take on it and are navigating the transition differently. You can’t do it for them.

The good news is that because of the pain you and I went through as kids, more and more adults, attorneys and courts understand the impact divorce has on the next generation. Some states like NJ mandate co-parenting classes for divorcing couples. These courses can be taken online and are a wealth of information covering things like when to tell your children when to seek out professional help and the positive aspects of shared parenting.

Divorce forces kids to grow up quicker than we may have originally wanted for them.

In many ways, the questions and concerns you have for your children are going to force you to dig really deep down inside. You’ll be forced at some point to have compassion for the entire family. Because children of divorced parents have to navigate both households and routines, they are more self-aware and more aware of the world around them. They take on step-parents and even perhaps, step-siblings. Families come in all shapes, colors, and sizes these days.

Figure out what kind of role model you want to be for your children.

This is where I got my strength. As a child of divorce, I focused on, as best as I possibly could, being the best single parent for my kids. And though it once made me mad, I knew deep down that my kids’ father was doing the best he could despite my opinion.

When you focus on your best and figure out when you’re not at your best, you get to show how human you are.

That’s the hard part… being vulnerable. When you apologize for a misstep or admit you don’t know everything, you bring humility back home. Your kids will come to understand that everyone’s doing the best they can. Draw them close at such moments. As children of your divorce, assure them you’re all safe and wanted and that they’re loved. Let them be your little ones and get yourself a professional to work with if necessary. They need you to be a parent who can love them up even when it’s tough love. Trust the sensitivity you have for their transition will keep them out of the pain we experienced as kids.