Post-Divorce Emotions

7 Tips For Coping With A Divorce You Don’t Want

April 17, 2018

The break down of a family is hard enough when we agree to a divorce, but coping with a divorce you never wanted is particularly difficult.

It’s really difficult to grasp, to catalog the details so as to know how it’s happened, why it’s happened; what happened; even when we know the details Heartache and pain have few boundaries – no matter what, going from being married to being single again is not easy even if you’re the one who wanted the separation to begin with.

Coping with a divorce means knowing it’s time to end something that hasn’t been working for a while.

It seems trite to say that “life isn’t fair” – that simply doesn’t cover the expanse of loss people experience. We know that life isn’t fair, we also know that the pain of divorce is harder to cope with than platitudes. Here are 3 tips to help you cope with a divorce you don’t want in a way that puts it all into perspective.

The bad news is, you don’t get to escape the feelings. I know you’d like to. I know you want to sit in a bar, start smoking again, chase women. I know you’d rather stay home on the couch and watch the Hallmark channel. I, for one, have done my own version of chasing a feeling to avoid the deep pain and loss. It’s never easy to deal with being smacked with emotions when you’re already down!

The good news is, you’ll get through coping with a divorce you don’t want. You’ll be able to create a future you’ll call your own. Surround yourself with support and you’ll find a way out. No matter how painful things are now. You must keep this in mind!

Tip #1: No matter how painful today feels, tomorrow can be better when you surround yourself with support.

Throughout the process, you’ll be surrounded by people who mean well but who won’t be able to grasp the depth of your pain or offer ways to cope with the divorce you didn’t want.

Oftentimes, these well-meaning friends or colleagues will encourage you to do things you know deep down aren’t the best options for you to do.

They may be super fun at the moment and totally distract you from the things you’d rather forget (ie: gathering your financial documents for your attorney). But in the long-run, unless your life is running at peak performance, most of us can’t escape the pain and pressure of separating for too long.

In all honesty, I love South Beach – I have fond memories of playing in Miami during my separation. I experienced some of the best days there. They were a complete distraction from the pain and loss. They also totally destroyed me when those fun days ended and I had to get back to the reality of recreating my life.

No one knows what you’re personally up against when you’re separating. Remembering that you, and you alone, are responsible for your decisions goes a really long way toward helping you cope with the experience, no matter how painful it may be.

Tip #2: You can’t chase a feeling forever!

Stay away from those who put up with being angry, hurt, depressed, and on it after their divorces. (News flash: they’re in a lot of pain.) Surround yourself with those who are moving on in a positive direction. It pains me to see people stuck in Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™. My heart breaks for people unable to make the courage, to get up and out of their own way. I get it. I know it’s difficult but, you can move in the right direction and heal from your divorce, even if you didn’t want it to begin with.

Tip #3: Surround yourself with positive and uplifting people even when you’re not as happy about life as they are.

We all need a dose of sunshine on a daily basis. Sometimes we think we can handle being blue. The problem is that during a divorce, there’s a lot of blue feelings… you’ll want to pace yourself: have some time during the day or during a week to process the feelings, then you’ve got to turn around and get moving.

Many times people freeze instead of moving forward because they’re afraid of making another mistake. One mistake that’ll cost you is avoiding dealing with your divorce. Including processing the feelings.

The worst mistake of all, not healing enough to see that you’re looking for familiar comfort meaning, you pick a lover who’s exactly like the person you just left.

When you first separate, you’ll most likely gravitate towards those who feel familiar. Over time, you’ll most likely realize these new people are exactly like those you just left. (Which is why the divorce rate goes up not down, for those who’ve been married in the past.)

I hate that statistic (but it’s true). I hate that I went through 2 divorces as an adult. I can get down on myself about not understanding what it took to heal from my separation and heartache. But knowing what I now know, to cope with a divorce you don’t want, we all have to do things differently.

Those who’ve been divorced in the past but who are now engaged in deliberately understanding the experience are good to be around. No one leaves a marriage, chooses a new mate and deliberately tries to hurt themselves or their families again, but because we don’t go to divorce school, it happens all too often.

Tip #4: You’ve got to understand this modern-day rite of passage.

There’s no escaping the lesson. We like to think we’ve got it – we want to blame the breakdown on the partner who wanted out. So, moving forward, we imagine picking someone who has the same values as we do. Someone who takes care of themselves, who won’t nitpick, who’ll accept all of the things we do. Which means we’ve got this all figured out. Because in reality, the healing isn’t about the new partner… healing is an inside job.

That partner has nothing to do with how you’re coping with your divorce or with the rest of your life.

I meet a lot of divorced people. Some are happy with their lives, some are even happily married. Many are not. Many cringe when I ask about new relationships. There’s often embarrassment. They admit to being lonely and unsure of what the future brings.

There are those who have moved on only to find themselves still stuck in reliving the past. And there are those who unknowingly pretend their divorce didn’t affect them.

How you handle stress and change will be a big indicator of how you’ll manage the onslaught of changes divorce brings with it. But everyone has a few scars. I have yet to meet anyone who’s been married and divorced, even divorced and married again who doesn’t.

Tip #5: We’re not immune to the pain of separation and heartache.

Going through your separation, you may struggle to find a way to punish your ex. After all, they’re the ones who wanted out! But unfortunately, trying to enact judgment (bad-mouthing the other parent to your kids, gossiping, whining, carrying-on at parent-teacher meetings, demanding huge amounts of money) doesn’t help anyone. Especially you.

One of the most difficult lessons to grasp is that you don’t get to punish someone who wants to leave you. No matter why or for what reason.

Tip #6: You don’t get to play God.

It took a few false steps forward for A. It was tough to learn she wasn’t allowed to always punish and demand. She would take a step forward and be hit with another, tough blow. First from the attorney, then the courts, then the parenting coordinator. Each step forward was an attempt to punish her ex for leaving her and their kids. However, after many months of heartache, she began to release her grip on trying to keep things the way they once were.

It’s not easy to let go and learn to accept a separation and divorce when you didn’t want it. You will have to learn how to cope with this rite of passage. And no one likes change!

The best way to manage the seemingly never-ending roller coaster of emotions is to learn how to respect them. You may find yourself upset one moment but not the next. You will learn when you’ve experienced enough indulging and when it’s time to move on with your day.

There is no straight-line through this. More like twists and turns, backward and forwards, ups and downs. Having a support structure is key. Understanding how to cope with the loss paramount.

At a certain point, you’ll be ready to move on and begin to imagine having a new love. It may not feel easier, but when you learn the art of coping with a divorce you don’t want, many things in life begin to fall into place. Your resilience becomes stronger, your faith in others, your trust in yourself. At a certain point, you get to look in the mirror and declare to no one in particular (other than yourself…)

Tip #7: You’ve got this!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to cope with the loss of your marriage, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com.

Worried Your Ex Will Haunt You For The Rest Of Your Life? Here are 7 Ways To Fix That Problem

February 16, 2018

I passed a big milestone this week. I’ve been waiting for it to come and go, to feel the shift, to appreciate the delicate breakdown of my past. I’m so grateful it’s behind me and life can continue moving in the direction I create. It’s a disturbing feeling to be haunted by an ex. Your mind is hijacked by uncontrollable emotions. Yet all the while, you want to forget about someone you once loved. Worried your ex will haunt you? (For the rest of your life?) Here are 7 ways to fix the problem and to stop thinking about the past.

Worried your ex will haunt you? (For the rest of your life?)

Warning: I do not prescribe getting a lobotomy or numbing out with prescription or recreational drugs and alcohol even though the thoughts definitely crossed my mind many times!

Going through my past breakups, I didn’t let the trauma of ruined love hurt the sweetness I shared. But, I admit, I’ve been easily haunted (for a very long time) by certain memories. Without meaning to, I’ve fallen prey to lots of nostalgia and loneliness. So when you tell me that you wish you could just forget about them or you want to get to peace and acceptance, I get it!

Here are the best ways to fix the problem:

This is where the adage of time as a healer comes in, Especially when it comes to thinking about an ex-lover. I like that time does heal all wounds. I’m grateful that as time passed and the months and then years went by, I’ve thought less and less about the “one who got away” or the “one who hurt me the most”.

I’m a big fan of scheduling mourning – when I deliberately set aside time during the week or during the day to remember my past. Doing so allows me to shed a few tears and then shift to focus on the day at hand.

I have patience with being human and a big tolerance for the tears when they come. I’m able to recall choice moments of affection and the hope we once shared. Then I wrap it up with a good cry and let it go. I understand that I’ve been marked by a lover or two and that they hurt me on a soul level. Sometimes I wonder, who hasn’t been? I may not like it, but I get it.

Each memory etched another piece of me. I can’t reverse any of that nor can I fight with it. So I’ve decided that making peace with who I was and what I got myself into helps immensely.

I’ve developed compassion for anger and no longer look for retribution. I’m grateful I’m over wanting to play God or enact punishment. But it wasn’t easy! My role isn’t to harm another. Even when it’s tough, I no longer want to keep tabs or listen for their downfall the way my imagination so badly wanted to for way too long.

Gratitude:

I’m grateful I’ve let go of needing to know. Because in my heart of hearts (and I’m open to being wrong) I know they’ll suffer too one day. Whether or not they’re suffering and hurting now. I know because I know what they’re capable of and I remember who they are.

Being haunted by them lasted for years. As an “expert” I wish I could say you won’t be haunted or that “getting under another lover” will help you forget about the “one who got away”. Unfortunately, you will be haunted for quite some time. And unfortunately, another love simply prolongs the inevitable mourning period. It’s just the way things are.

I passed a big milestone this week.

But the passage of time matters on many levels – the milestone I passed this week celebrated the 7-years since I was last with him. Our body turns over all of its 75 + trillion cells every 7-years. I like to think of those cells equal in number to the stars in our galaxy. I no longer have a cell within me that slept with him. That is a freeing feeling!

Now when I have a memory, I do so with distance, objectivity, and wisdom. I’m no longer beholden to my hurt self-esteem, low self-worth or a broken heart. But it took some time and I needed to come face to face with that old pattern of falling for men who didn’t treat me well. I needed to heal that part of me and to make genuine love possible.

Appreciate the delicate breakdown of your past.

As you read through this personal story, I hope you feel hopeful. Your life will evolve and change. Your story gets to unfold as long as you want it to. Whether you realize it or not, you always have the possibility of letting go and finding new love. And you get to decide how much mourning you need to do.

In order to fix the problem of haunting ex’s, you also have to create courage and be willing to let go. If it doesn’t happen overnight, you’re going to have to be willing to take back your self-confidence over and over and over again. Just to be clear, I still think of him! But, I no longer let those thoughts affect me. It’s become more important over time, and as I regained my equilibrium, I’m the one to decide what makes me worthwhile and lovable – not someone else.

Being haunted by an ex is a disturbing feeling.

We know we’re supposed to be the ones to manage our thoughts. We all know we’re worthwhile and can handle when a man or woman leaves us. But in the moment of being haunted, nostalgic, lonely, and sad it’s easy to forget what we’re supposed to remember.

My advice is to get clear about what you’re up really against:

the passage of time: 7-years to change all your cells… yep, that’s a bit of time
the need for courage… to overcome the need to reach out, be afflicted by sentimentality, and nostalgia
patience… with just how tough it can be some days
compassion… for being human and having a memory
scheduled mourning time… when you’re allowed to cry and weep and definitely feel sorry for yourself
time… one day you’ll remember the story without the sadness or anger
hope… for finding someone who wants to be with you for the long-run.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to have a better divorce, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

Can You Get Them to Marry Again? What REALLY Happens When Marrying After Divorce is a Deal Breaker.

February 3, 2018

What happens when the marriage thing is a No-Go after a divorce? Can you get them to marry again or is it a deal breaker? Are you the partner ready for love, completely committed and eager for them to say “yes” to a lifetime contract? Or are you the one who’s still reeling… I mean healing, after having suffered through a divorce or two? The conflict between those who want a marriage commitment and those who are still suffering from Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™ is real.

What really happens when marrying after divorce is a deal breaker?

This is important to understand especially when it comes to personal needs, values, desires, and fear. Coupling up after divorce isn’t as romantic as one wants to believe especially when you don’t understand what you’re up against. Still thinking you can get them to marry you? I argue you can’t.

If you’re the one dating the divorcé, you’re going to want to understand what you’re up against.

There’s no amount of nursing that will take a broken-hearted, angry, scared individual and magically be the one who’ll make them view their futures differently. It takes way more perspective and work then you’re aware of. Wide-eyed and in love, you think your love will heal the broken-hearted man or woman you’re with. I remember those feelings acutely… all I wanted to do was love him to health. Boy was I wrong!

The reason isn’t that you don’t love them or that they don’t love you. The problem is that they’re operating from a different set of rules. We, as a culture, have yet to grasp a universal process for the loss, loneliness, and grief that divorce brings. This loss affects everyone going through the experience – young, old, wealthy or not, any color – there’s no race parameters for divorce – a parent or not.

The process for overcoming Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™ has nothing to do with falling in love again. That’s why you won’t get them to marry you. And why dating a wounded divorced individual is such a painful kind of love.

You have to think long and hard about sacrificing your values and needs in order to keep them comfortable and safe.

Relationships aren’t supposed to be safe from our heart-centered fears. They’re supposed to help us open up, step into the strength of our vulnerability, and overcome our most cherished doubts. That’s a tall order for someone who’s just had their broken-heart dragged through a courtroom or mediator’s office.

As a divorcé, you’re going to be cautious about falling in love.

Those fragile whispers of “I love you” have nothing to do with the passion of having sex. We can easily connect sexually. You may even truly enjoy your partner’s love, affection, and attention. But when confronted with your lover’s need to marry, to commit, that’s when your fears raise their ugly head.

Perhaps you think there’s something wrong with you. You imagine you’re broken (well you are but only heart-broken). In truth, you’re more confused, overwhelmed, or scared than you are damaged. There’s nothing inherently wrong with you that another divorced adult can’t grasp.

The problem isn’t that you’re the one who’s wrong or that your lover is wrong. It’s just that you’re the one who has to do the work to heal. To put yourself squarely in the face of your pain and deal with it in a safe environment.

The loneliness, loss, and pain of divorce do not automatically go away with a new lover, a promotion at work or a new home and even a new family.

Divorce doesn’t work that way. And up until now, rarely do we talk about that fact. We just assume, if we’re still scared, there’s something wrong with us. Nothing could be further from the truth!

As the one in love with a broken-hearted divorcé, all you want is to have your love and affection for them, your support and understanding to be enough.

Sure you love the passion, especially since they probably came out of a sexless marriage. But you don’t understand why you feel this underlying anxiety. You’re confused by their on-again, off-again attention, why they seem totally there in person but disappear when you’re out of sight.

When you date a man or woman who’s gone through or is going through a difficult divorce, you become the respite from their anger and fighting. You’re the distraction from the disappointment and pain of breaking up a family. You’re the playmate for a fun weekend away, playing hooky from the office or a romantic evening away from their kids. You help them immensely since the stress of a divorce can take down the strongest among us.

As the playmate, the distraction, their feelings for you are real.

Genuine even. However, the pace with which you want that commitment to come and the time it takes to heal their hearts (if they’re doing any sort of work, to begin with) will not be in sync. Most of the time, you’ll be the one who suffers waiting. You’ll want to be understanding and compassionate, to not make waves and to tolerate their emotional unavailability. You’ll talk yourself out of that gut feeling, you’ll bend over backward even more to keep their attention.

There’s little more you can do.

You see it’s not you. You’re lovely; kind, warm, understanding. You’re probably terrific with their kids and great with their parents. Their friends think you’re the best thing for them… much better than the spouse they just left.

With divorce, shame and fear get to run rampant. You can’t shake a divorcée ’s inner beliefs. You can’t redefine how they view the breakup of their marriages or their families. That’s their inner healing work to do. The truth is, that when you’re the distraction, you also can’t be the one who calls them on their stuff. It doesn’t work that way and that’s the anxiety you’re feeling. You know that to be true.

When you’re in love with someone healing from Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™ ; when you love a man or woman struggling with separation and divorce; when you see their best but can’t get them to commit to you for the rest of your lives, do your best to let go.

Until this person you love commits to figuring out how to heal, they can’t be there for you emotionally. Would you have a pitcher with a broken right arm be pitching in the Championship game? Didn’t think so.

People coming out of a divorce are deeply wounded.

They need love and affection. They need others to be patient and kind. But in truth, they also need to decide to heal, to take down the mask of perfection and allow the feelings of vulnerability to be exposed so that they can heal their broken heart.

Choosing to do so is a personal decision and the longer a divorcé is distracted and having fun, the longer it’ll take for them to feel the pain and loss and get to work to feel better. I’m a big fan of doing the healing work and putting a failed marriage into perspective even as it’s dissolving. That way, when a divorcée does fall in love, there’s a real chance at a lasting union and an open willingness to say “I do” again.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

Tired Of Making The Same Mistakes In Love? This Is THE Dating Advice To Prevent A Future Divorce

January 24, 2018

As Valentine’s Day approaches you and your broken heart, the part of you that still believes in love is wondering about dating again. Tired of making the same mistakes in love? This is the Dating Advice to prevent a future divorce – get ready!

Who among us doesn’t want the delicious feeling of butterflies as they anticipate meeting a new lover? Of course, you want to be wrapped up in someone’s arms, held carefully, safely, and cherished beyond any other relationship! But Cupid’s arrow has a sharp tip and way too often, in the rush to find Love, those coming out of a disappointing marriage, go head first into a familiar dynamic. This is a major pitfall of dating after divorce.

What feels comfortable is what you just left and even though that lover may look different, all too often, you’re making the same mistakes in love.

You and you alone are going to have to do the work to change the way you date and fall in love, the way you marry and commit. It’s not up to them. They’re not going to show up wrapped in a bow (unless you’re into that) just the way you want them to be. Unfortunately, they’re also not going to immediately accept all the parts of you your ex wouldn’t and couldn’t accept. Nor are they going to fall for you if you’re not as good or as healthy as you can be (and you know what that means for you and your body, mind, heart, and spirit).

You’re going to have to make the courage to vulnerably face your biggest fears.

Fears will inevitably creep in. They’re part of your guiding system… an inner GPS instructing you on which way to go. (Including fears around being naked, admitting your mistakes, mourning your past, accepting your part in the previous breakups, getting sober, being financially secure, showing up as a parent and asking yourself… how you could change moving forward?)

Dating after divorce and preparing for a new relationship isn’t easy and listening to your inner fears is part of the work that now needs to be done.

It’s time to get really clear about what your expectations are for dating and for relationships.

Your commiserating family and friends aren’t being honest with you because they too are too afraid to do the healing work required. They may not even know there’s personal growth work to be done. Did you?

Sure, some people create amazing relationships and second or third marriages after their breakup and divorces. Please God that you become one of them. But, I can almost guarantee that one person in those relationships is rooted in a spiritual practice. They know how to forgive and to hold others’ stuff in a big perspective. They’ve done their work. They’ve shown up for themselves and are capable of showing up for another.

Questions and Fears to address so you don’t make the same mistakes in love:

Ask yourself, are you still on it? Angry? Hostile? Mean-spirited and unforgiving towards your Ex, the way they’re parenting, the way they feed your kids, care for them; the way they respond to your emails or exchange the kids?

Are you still in love with your Ex? Do you still envision having sex with them? Are they still flirting and manipulating you? Are you able to walk away with your head held high, out from under the grip of their sexual foreplay?

Have you let go of the righteous indignation? The need to prove you’re worthy. The hustling and spinning of anxiety and the tension of fear?

Do you believe you’re being protected, provided for and inflow for your greatest good? (Which sometimes looks like going back to work, asking for a raise, setting boundaries, and simply up-leveling your relationships?)

Have you forgiven the person you had to be during your breakup, separation, and divorce? Are you ready to stop the lying and storytelling? Have you become honest instead of righteously expecting that because you’ve been hurt, other people need to put up with your brittleness and impatience?

When you decide that you’re worthy of love and relationship…

when you’re willing to vulnerably admit your mistakes, learn from them, and admit to another that you’re capable of putting them first, then you’re ready to fall for the love of your life and prevent a future divorce.

One of the reasons why divorcees go through second and third divorces isn’t because they like the experience of heartbreak, it’s because they’re unaware of the monumental and life-affirming changes that divorce forces us to go through. We do this as a modern-day rite of passage… a thing we do to grow!

Divorce is NEVER about the other person.

It is always about you and your personal growth here on this planet. It is never about blame and shame. It’s about honesty and self-worth, it’s about ownership and creativity.

If you’re tired of making the same mistakes in love, you have to ask yourself… when was the last time you loved the person you’re being in the world?

Do you allow yourself to feel your feelings instead of drowning them in work, porn, alcohol, cigarettes or sex? When was the last time you said thank you for the pain you’ve experienced as the lesson it was meant to be? Or took a good hard look at how you’re going about your life?

This stages of dating aren’t for the faint of heart. But neither is loving another human being. No one wants a fair-weather lover or spouse. We all want to be cherished and adored, wanted and respected. Why is it up to someone else to do the healing work but not you? What makes you think you can avoid the heavy lifting?

Dating requires trust and a sense of adventure so you don’t make the same mistakes in love.

You need to know who you are and what kind of things bring you joy and pleasure. Waking up next to someone you can trust with your heart means way more than the last orgasm you shared, the size of their waist or the amount of money they have in their bank accounts.

Character counts. And being with someone who can be his or her word makes things go so much more easily. You’re allowed to say “no” and to expect to be treated honestly. You don’t have to sleep with someone on date #1, #2 or even #3; nor do you have to put up with any amount of disrespect or ungratefulness. Monogamy means monogamy if that’s your agreement… period.

You need to believe your self-worth matters and that belief is solely up to you.

Without some level of personal effort on your part, none of these things come naturally or automatically. You’re worthy of being adored, admired, respected and appreciated. That requires you to pick wisely not out of habit. This takes time. Sometimes a lifetime of work.

Dating Advice after divorce: what is the rush?

As Valentine’s Day approaches and you’re fixated on one particular person, consider the questions I’ve posed above. I want you to have the love of your life.

I wish for you a man or woman of character – the one who will hold your heart safely in their hands.

You are worthy of the respect you crave and the protection you need. This isn’t easily achieved on your own. It takes courage to be seen and heard. If you need help, reach out… doingDivorce™ School is designed just for you.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

Meeting Your Ex’s New Love For The First Time? Here’s How To Not Lose Your Cool

January 19, 2018

It may be fun to hear the latest gossip about someone else’s life or to be there for a friend when they’re struggling with getting over their breakup. But meeting your ex’s new love for the first time is a no-win situation. When it’s your ex asking for you to meet his or her new lover, it’s an entirely different thing. Meeting your ex’s new love for the first time? Here’s how to not lose your cool.

Meeting your ex’s new love for the first time is a no-win situation.

Usually, we cringe at the thought of an ex with a new love. It can literally sting. I myself have experienced literally dropping to the floor and wanting to pass out in the past. It’s not so much the moment I lay eyes on them, it’s the news, the onslaught of images and the preparation leading up to the greeting that’s the worst. So here are some super important reminders to protect your heart and soul when you see your ex with someone new.

Ground rules: here’s how to not lose your cool when meeting your ex’s new love for the first time.

Remember, it’s over. It ended for myriad reasons despite harboring thoughts they might return or at least apologize. (They rarely do) and if they did apologize you’d still have to figure out what’s next ‘cuz, it’s done.

Feeling competitive is natural. You may want to dress up and look really hot. At least I do. I make sure I look good around my ex’s… ‘cuz it’s important to feel good when you’re seeing them but also not too good if you don’t want inappropriate advances. (At least shave or put on some lipstick if that’s all the time you have.)

Check yourself. Be careful when meeting your ex’s new love for the first time.

Make sure your clear on why exactly you’re looking good… is it for them or for you? Once I know my ex has been with another person, I cringe at the thought of being intimate with them again. It’s a visceral thing for me. I don’t share and imagining their bodies with other bodies turns me off. So ask yourself: Why exactly am I looking good here? Who am I impressing or trying to make feel small? This is important and will help keep you in your lane.

Competition goes both ways. They’re also going to be doing their best to make you feel small… they’re dressing up, looking hot. (I once had the new lover try to put her engagement ring in my face… ehem, it was way s-m-a-l-l (er) than he could have given her… just sayin’) So be prepared for them to be playing that same game with you which is why you need to know what you’re up to!

Your ex is watching. They’re watching how you’re responding to meeting their new love for the first time. Picking up on the cues, the looks; they’re even comparing the two of you. It’s a natural thing. However, you have the upper hand here!

You’re the one who knows the signs.

When my ex is doing his thing trying to play it cool and be all whatever, I can see right through his body language and know exactly (probably better than he does himself) how he really feels about her.

When you’re no longer sleeping with them, enmeshed with their hormones and pheromones, you’ll be objective and can remain curious. You’ll see everything! How s/he really doesn’t like what the new lover is up to but won’t scold them in front of you. How they’re embarrassed by their behavior. Or what they sound like or how smart they are or aren’t. How uncomfortable they really are being with them. I still laugh at the memory of one ex literally trying to hide behind a teacher’s desk at a school event. He tried to pull his new lover down with him as if I couldn’t see his 6’ 4” body and hers wedged between the chalkboard and the drawers!

This is the best part of being an ex! You do not have to play their games anymore. You’re free!

It’s also a great way to gauge if you’ve gotten over the breakup and whether you still love them or not. So set ground rules you can follow!

Timeframe. How long will you be expected to be pleasant or polite? Is this over lunch? A kid exchange (I don’t advise.) Or is s/he being thrown in your face at a basketball game without warning? Do your best to set up the parameters that you can handle. No one can stay on good behavior for hours on end. And, at first, hopefully, you’ll not be required to spend an entire family Thanksgiving together over washing the dishes.

Remember to leave when you feel your energy shifting. It’s no longer impolite to take care of yourself! Too often we expect we can handle seeing them with their new love and forget that we’re supposed to be taking of ourselves first. This is super important. There’s no win in losing it in front of your ex and their new love. Get out, get away, if you feel your energy dipping.

Bring backup support. I’m a big believer in having a wingman! It’s bad enough they’re going to be at a school event or a kids’ game while you’re standing there alone. I have had more than one friend be my date, come with me to a kids’ games, and keep me company while I’m in charge. I’ve had other parents block the view and keep me safe around unsafe and difficult moments. There’s no shame in asking for help. Your heart is only so strong.

Why does showing up cool matter when meeting your ex’s new love for the first time?

Because eventually, as you mend and move on, as you date and prepare for a new relationship, you’re going to want to be afforded the same courtesy. You’re going to want them to treat your new lover with respect; to be polite and to show up gracious and warm. I’m not saying it’s going to happen (see above) I’m just saying, that you’ll want it to go this way.

The fantasies. I imagine these false scenes where I get to throw all these truth bombs onto the new lover. It starts with me shaming him in front of her and make her walk away from the scoundrel forever and ever. I dream up these scenarios when he sheepishly takes a look at me and walks away from her. (Insert laughter…) Sometimes, I’ve saved her from years of abuse and manipulation and we walk away arm and arm, best friends forever.

But the reality isn’t like that. You and I both know these scenes ain’t nevah gonna happen! Most of us have more pride and our hearts are more fragile than we like to admit. You are not going to meet your ex’s new love for the first time and punch him, threaten him, coerce him or ruin him. I could no more cause a scene at a school event than interrupt my kids’ sports game. I don’t want to be remembered as the crazy ex he had to leave… or whatever other story has been made up about me.

The good news: your ex has a new love and that person isn’t you.

They’re the ones who’ve fallen in love. That new lover can’t help but see all the shiny beautiful things you once saw in your ex. They’re not tainted by the fights, the waiting by the phone, the ghosted moments when you feared they lost interest. These new lovers haven’t yet felt the sting of your Ex’s cheating or the lying and manipulation. They still like watching the porn with them and hearing stories about your kids. They’ve yet to have their hearts broken by your ex.

So it’s your job to be bigger, wiser and more compassionate.

They do not yet know what you know. They’re naively in love. Lost really in the charms of your ex that no longer control your mind.

Your reputation. They also have only heard one side of the story. They only know about you through your ex’s eyes. The story and lies that your ex needed to tell about you to justify why s/he left. Maybe you left your ex, maybe you broke up that relationship, either way, your Ex has a one-sided story that the new lover only knows. So be on your best behavior. Show up your best self. Do the right thing for the benefit of your kids if you have them and for your heart either way.

If you’re having trouble with understanding how to get over your breakup, consider joining me in doingDivorce™ School. I’ll teach you tools and skills to help guide you through these awkward and uncomfortable moments. One last story… this week I heard from an ex who has had a beautiful family for years. I ended our relationship over 25 years ago and just this week, he admitted to finally healing the loss of his first marriage before we met. Imagine that… a breakup that was over 30 years ago is finally being healed. It doesn’t have to be that way.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of The Better Divorce and doingDivorce™ School – online coaching programs for those ready to shed the pain of breakups. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com