Post-Divorce Emotions

Here Are 4 Things You Have Wrong About Divorce You Need To Fix NOW

June 12, 2018

“It takes 2 people to nurture a relationship.”

My favorite quote, “love is something we create and work on; it takes 2 people to nurture and build a relationship” takes the sting away from a marriage gone south. No one can have a relationship by themselves. Your life after divorce is filled with hope whether you’re struggling with what to do after a breakup or not. As you learn how to deal with co-parenting, how to date after divorce and how to get over a breakup you caused, you are well on your way to having excellent coping skills when dealing with divorce. When dealing with life after a breakup, here are 4 things you have wrong about divorce you need to fix now.

Shame: how to get over a breakup you caused

Shame complicates how to get over a breakup you caused. But you’ve got to pull yourself together because no matter what you may be thinking or feeling, it’s not all your fault. Even if you’re the one who cheated. Betrayal does cut deep. It takes a personal commitment to oneself to heal from a spouse who’s had an affair. But it is doable. And, it’s often a gift in disguise.

You know that relationships end for all sorts of reasons and if you were both happy, you wouldn’t be where you are today. That’s a tough pill to swallow. It’s so much easier to remain angry, victimized, and self-righteous than do the healing work. Find help so that over time, you’ll be able to be with someone who won’t hurt you in the future.

You also know that your healing includes owning your part in the breakdown of the marriage. This is where blaming your ex (the one who cheated) gets tough.

What to do after a breakup when the person you once loved hurt you?

I do not prescribe that forgiveness is more important than boundaries. It’s important to heal properly. Healing takes boundaries and a feeling of safety. So how to get over a breakup you caused when you were not the one who cheated? When there was no blatant affair or you were simply unhappy? What do you do then? How do you hold your part in the breakdown of your marriage?

This is where some deep soul searching and personal growth needs to come into order. It’s so much easier to simply swallow the shame and project this image that your ex is all to blame.

But in truth, we all change as we age: hormones, self-care, passion, life-choices begin to catch up with us. And if we’re not responsible for our own well-being and health, then we may lose someone we love.

I write this to encourage you to rethink how you’re living your life. We have to be honest here. Your life after divorce is filled with hope. You have a chance to take ownership and create things you want! But in order to learn how to get over a breakup, you caused, you can’t simply ignore what’s occurred in the past or totally blame your ex

It takes 2 people to nurture any relationship. The self-incrimination or blame needs healing. They can’t stick around or get in too deep without causing long-term pain and suffering.

What to do after a breakup: coping skills when dealing with divorce

So what are you to do? Developing coping skills when dealing with divorce usually look like dating again, engaging in lots of sex or staying in and hiding from sex or waiting out time. It may be a good idea to let some days go by while you do your best to manage the onslaught of feelings that overwhelm your senses. Then again, it may not.

Coping skills when dealing with divorce demand taking care of yourself. Learn how to eat well and exercise to manage the stress. You’ll want to find a counselor and/or coach (they are different and have different roles). You may want to return to work or engage in social activities that don’t include sex. They will help you build a new community and get you out of the house.

Life after divorce is filled with hope

Even when you may feel a bit lost and confused. Even when you may want to hide at home. Hope is necessary to create your life after divorce. You have a wonderful chance to become the kind of person you dream to be.

But, what about being content with where you are? What if you’re the kind of person who wonders why “others can’t love you just the way you are?”

It’s not good to stay stuck in a rut. You’ve got to insert yourself into new things… lose some weight, eat better, learn to cook, learn how to balance a budget, get a job.

You just can’t expect everyone you want to be with to be able to accept you just as you are… we age, our bodies change; unless you’re super lucky, you’ve got to clean up your act to attract a new partner in order to find love and affection, if that’s what you want.

Parenting advice: dealing with co-parenting after divorce

One of the most difficult things about co-parenting after divorce is the on-going anger and resentments. Without some work, you’ll carry a lot of old judgments and expectations into the new family arrangement.

Decide you’re going to figure this out. (News Flash: your friends don’t usually help.) So instead, find a coach and/or a mentor who understands this modern-day rite of passage and can help you heal while simultaneously getting your life in order.

The hardest thing is to keep your feelings in check with your child’s other parent. But decide to be civil and get some coaching on dealing with co-parenting after divorce. It is not easy! It’s also one of the most important lessons you will leave your children.

What if you’re still struggling with what to do after a breakup?

This tells me that your environment may not be healthy enough for changes to stick. Or your coping skills, when dealing with divorce, are in their infancy. You might have Post-Traumatic-Divorce-Disorder ™. Or your friends don’t know how to advise you. (They often don’t.)

You may have tried dating after divorce and yet, you’re disappointed and lonely. The anger and hurt make it tough to let go of the story. It’s not always easy to turn the story around to empowering your life after divorce. It’s hard to shift your habits and practices.

I find it’s not easy to ask for help. It’s tough to make changes stick when they seem so easy on paper (been on a diet recently?!) But with the right environment, everything is attainable.

Decide that your life after divorce is going to be hopeful and filled with new relationships. Or choose to be happily single. Either option works as long as you are happy and content with your life. If you find yourself stuck, reach out! I’ve got your back on these changes and know your life after divorce is hopeful!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com.

Loneliness Is The New Badge Of Honor For A Divorcé. Here’s How To Stop Being A Cliché

May 31, 2018

It gets a bum rap, this feeling called loneliness. It makes us think we’re unworthy of love, being loved, and loving another. The feeling of loneliness feels like the new badge of honor for a divorcé. It seems real and impenetrable when in fact, it’s simply a feeling. A passing moment. Something that you can manage, control, and overcome. Here’s how to stop being a cliché so that you can get on with your life, gather a new group of friends, find a new lover, and get your life moving. It’s time. Is loneliness the new badge of honor for a divorcé? Yes, it is! Loneliness is also the key to getting on with things.

Here’s to new beginnings!

Getting a re-do halfway through your life is a blessing in disguise. It comes with excitement, usually way too much drama, and a big ole kick in the pants. But a new beginning is exactly that… a new beginning. A chance to re-rack, sit on the bench for a bit, assess, decide where your values begin and boundaries end. I love new beginnings! In fact, I practice that each day of my life, never mind every hour, minute or even second is a chance for me to simply get my life moving in the right direction.

Call it what you will, after a breakup, all you have is a new beginning. And for that, we must celebrate.

So why the loneliness? The feelings of ennui, the fear of stepping into the unknown? Why does it feel like a cliché to be home, alone, feeling unwanted and afraid? Because getting a re-do halfway through means you’ve been through some life experience. You’ve had a bit too much drama even. Perhaps, you’re ready for things to quiet down so you can think…

This sort of shift in behavior feels different. It feels uncomfortable, unnatural (you were with someone else for a period of time weren’t you?) Of course it does! It sucks at times to be home alone, feeling sorry for yourself. (This is where that cliché comes in!) But just because those feelings of loneliness feel like a new badge of honor doesn’t mean you can’t handle them or that they are now the definition of who you are. You are not a cliché!

You are dealing with real heartache, real loneliness, real healing.

Take some time to feel the feels. Get in touch with that pain, the grieving, the loss. The more you do, the less time that loneliness will hang around. Seems impossible? That’s because you’ve made the passing moments of loneliness define who you are.

Loneliness Is The New Badge Of Honor For A Divorcé

Loneliness is the feeling that moves you out the door instead of the feeling that makes you stay stuck. You see, it’s simply not a fun feeling. It effectively challenges you and how you view your place at this time in your life. It’s that kick-in-the-pants kind of experience – the one that will make you, force you, to join an online dating app, go to the gym, call friends and invite yourself over for a holiday meal. It’s the catalyst to change. And for that, you bet loneliness is the new badge of honor for a divorcé!

Make your life happen to overcome your loneliness.

My home is quiet, calm, even a bit boring at times so when I sit at home, I get lonely. Fortunately, it takes two steps outside my building and I’m in NYC. Every day, every single day, I get outside my four walls. Since I work from home, this is mandatory. But even if I didn’t, if I worked for a company and had to be inside their four walls all day long, then my car or a commute, I would still get outside every day.

Getting outside forces me to make my life happen. You don’t get to stop living just because you’re feeling lonely. We often think we can’t do anything with this feeling but I believe we have way more power and control over ourselves and our loneliness mood than we believe we do. I have to believe in the possibility of growing. So, get outside. Make your life happen.

Once you commit to movement, anything is possible.

Enjoying that walk? How about a run… Like the people, you say hello to in the morning? Why not join them at a community event? Feeling confident with a little sunshine and exercise? Maybe it’s time to join that gym. Or the online dating app.

Taking action is the first step in overcoming any sort of ennui or loneliness. It’s really just getting out of your own way. (And walking away from the bag of potato chips you’ve got in the kitchen… for your kids, of course. Just sayin’!)

When I’m outside, my mind expands. The thoughts take on a bigger perspective. I do most of my best thinking walking Central Park and for those who follow my IG stories, you know I’m fascinated by trees and leaves. Silly but so useful for my head. And my heart. And my mood.

It’s way too easy to stay stuck in the cliché if we let ourselves.

I challenge you to start small and move away from the feelings of loneliness. To take that badge of honor and use it to move your life forward in the direction you want. Learn to expand your thoughts, not as a way to avoid feeling the feels but to put yourself in a bigger context. Your life will change. Inevitably. You get more control by actively participating in doing the changing rather than having change forced upon you.

You never have to stay stuck in loneliness.

You do have a choice even if that choice is uncomfortable. Asking for help or reaching out for company isn’t the easiest thing to do after having a ready-made playmate anytime you needed to be entertained. But now that you’re single, choosing whom to spend your time with is in your hands. There are no victims here! It may feel weird or different but those feelings will go away once you start enjoying yourself and doing something other than watching reruns on Netflix.

This is the time to make new memories, find new traditions, and build a new supportive group of friends. You’re now able to surround yourself with the kind of people you want to be with whether they’re into sports or cooking, traveling or books. You get to decide what kind of person you’d like to date even if you’re not ready for a serious relationship. And you’re the one who gets to choose how much time you need alone or how much socializing helps you feel connected.

Toss that badge of honor away. Let the loneliness pass.

Every time you move toward a new step out and about you shake off that loneliness. Each time you decide it’s more important to select high-quality entertainment, friendships, and activities, you’re the one creating a new life for yourself. And letting that cliché go. At first, it won’t be easy but as you become more and more comfortable with this new version of yourself, you’ll be grateful for experiencing loneliness. Afterall, it is the key to getting on with things!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit https://linktr.ee/laura_bonarrigo.

You’re Not Alone. Coping With Depression Due To Divorce Is Incredibly Common

May 17, 2018

Coping with depression due to divorce is incredibly common. The acute phase of a divorce means an acute experience filled with high-intensity emotions. The energy it takes to walk out of a relationship usually isn’t accompanied by a simple handshake. Even when it is, the emotions that follow tend to get ramped up. Which is why it can be confusing when the heart and mind begin to balance and a sense of feeling depressed comes over you. You’re not alone. Whether you were the one who wanted out or were the one who was left, loss and trauma are real and intense. Anger balances depression. Excitement balances feelings of loss and sadness. If you’re coping with depression due to divorce, here are a few ways to help.

Coping with depression due to divorce

The Mayo Clinic says, “Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn’t worth living.”

Anyone going through a divorce is experiencing some if not all of these “mood disorders”! One of the major reasons why depression occurs (not including age, changes in hormones, inherited traits, and general brain chemistry) is ‘trauma or stressful events, low self-esteem, loss of a loved one, a difficult relationship or financial problems.’

You are in good company!

Shame causes people to pull-in and isolate themselves. This contributes to the sense of being unworthy of friendship or being loved. It causes us to second guess ourselves and to be self-critical. The cycle feeds upon itself and the more you feel bad about yourself – what you did or didn’t do (what you could or couldn’t do!) – the more you want to pull-in and hide.

When you’re coping with depression due to divorce, it’s difficult to reach out for help.

Most people are willing to see a therapist. Therapists are great because they’re trained to help you understand what you’re going through, how you’re feeling and can help you come up with ways to shift your mood. They truly help define the kind of relationship you had in the past so you can make some room amidst the self-criticism to understand what you were up against.

I found my therapist truly helpful after my divorce. My sessions gave me a place to vent, talk-through, and grasp what had been going on during my marriage. But then, at a certain point, it was up to me to move my life forward.

Self-disclosure, I am prone to depression. Not to the extent that I want to end my life, but enough to know how it feels to want to stay in bed all day or to overeat or to cry a lot. I think I have a genetic propensity towards depression. So over the years, I’ve had to learn a lot of coping skills to deal with who I am…. my brain chemistry and genetic makeup.

I have found that what the experts suggest really helps me cope with my low-grade depression.

daily exercise
being outdoors
eating well
avoiding things like alcohol or drugs
having good social connections
finding meaningful work
understanding my purpose for being here

When coping with depression due to divorce, there are a few things to keep in mind.

Know where you are on the scale.

If you’re unable to get out of bed some days (especially the days when your kids are with their other parent) understand this is pretty normal. But if you’re unable to get out of bed and feed your kids or go to work, please reach out to a professional and get yourself some help.

If you’re overeating or maybe under eating, know that both those practices are pretty normal when coping with depression after divorce. But if these practices continue for weeks or months, even years on end, please reach out for some help. Your health and stamina will be seriously impacted. No one is worth hurting yourself over!

If you’re using or drinking too much, and you’ve had a history of coping with trauma with drugs or alcohol, you don’t need me to suggest you stop. There are millions of people who use to avoid feelings afraid of what those feelings mean about them. So get some help with these practices too.

If you’re crying a lot or angry with everyone, you may want to speak with a therapist or a coach because that anger or those tears may be hormonally related (which would make sense) but could also be a sign of self-esteem issues. However, being angry or crying a lot after a traumatic loss makes sense! Those feelings are normal! But, when they interfere with your work or your familial relationships, you’ll probably want to get some support and perspective on your divorce.

There will be times during your divorce when you may feel life isn’t worth living. Those are the super dark moments most of us go through. (If you didn’t go through them while married and filled with disappointment and fear.) But if you’re suicidal, then for sure a therapist or MD is needed – again, I do not believe for one minute that any human being is worth hurting oneself over even though I understand the pain of a big loss!

You’re not alone. Coping with depression after divorce is incredibly common and surrounding yourself with support is part of that solution.

I started my doingDivorce™ classes precisely because of how isolated and alone I felt during my divorces. When I was a child, we were the only family in my community who were divorced. My sister and I were pulled from our private school. My outside classes were stopped, my mom was kicked out of the Catholic church. We stopped having Sunday dinners with my dad’s extended family. It was a very isolating time.

As a young adult going through my first divorce, I had the luxury of age on my side even though when I was dating, I stood out like a sore thumb having gone through a divorce so young. Those days were more hopeful but equally difficult. There were many dark days. However, fortunately, I didn’t have to carry the additional burden of not becoming a parent at that time.

People without the kids they wanted, have loss compounded by the losing their marriage and not becoming a parent. The grieving is hard and acceptance seemingly elusive. Coping with depression due to divorce without having had the family you wanted is particularly difficult to handle. Be sure to find some support for this sort of pain.

As a parent going through a divorce, one would think I had it all. My children have their father in their lives, he takes care of them, pays his maintenance, and stays out of my life. But the cost was five years of litigation and a trial, loads of money, no relationship with his family, the loss of friends from the social circle we once shared, and a significant cut in lifestyle.

The loss of my friends and family were particularly difficult to deal with initially. I had to overcome my ego and reach out and meet new people. Whether I wanted to or not, I had to put myself into uncomfortable situations and risk being seen in order to have a new group of people I could lean on for support and friendship.

At times the shame and stigma of coping with depression due to divorce are very debilitating yet, I have found we’re the only ones who are truly in our own way.

It feels almost impossible to risk being seen when we feel down. We’re afraid of being ostracized and criticized (for good reason). Sometimes it seems easier to stay hidden in our homes than it is to reach out and get the help we need. We forget we can feel better about ourselves. Risking being seen as imperfect isn’t more difficult than pouring a glass of wine, but it does require courage.

I encourage you to find a mentor, a coach, a therapist or a group you can join that will help you move away from your pain toward a better future. You’re worthy of being happy (no matter what may or may not have happened in your family). Try to stay away from people who continue to stir the pot and have you feel bad about yourself. Do your best to get a big perspective on where you are.

Why Dating After Divorce Is Easier For A Man (And 4 Lessons To Learn From Him)

May 10, 2018

Common wisdom is that dating after divorce for a man is easier than for a woman. Women always marvel at this resilience and seemingly a man’s need to pair up. Many men also blame their desire to find a mate with the idea that they need to find a mate. I disagree. We’re all wired differently and understanding the differences and similarities between men and women helps us take a step back from the personal attacks about dating after divorce. There is some truth to why dating after divorce is easier for a man and here are 4 lessons for the rest of us to learn from him.

I’m around a lot of divorced men (and women) and sometimes common wisdom is more like common misunderstanding. To a certain extent, there’s some truth… men do find dating after a divorce easier than women by and large. But I’m sorry, that’s also not always the case.

Men, by and large, have this innate ability to compartmentalize their pain. They’re more able to shrug off a bad evening. And this ability to do so works for better and for worse. In the case of dating, it makes them more resilient and more courageous. They’re more willing to chalk up a bad date as simply a bad date while they look for another person to pair up with instead of taking it personally.

But often times guys also suffer feeling alone just like the rest of us. There’s no such thing as some blanket invulnerability men have. The men I work with feel the pain and the loss, but they don’t dwell there emotionally the way women do (way too often). They don’t take rejection quite as personally. They usually pick up their broken hearts and move on. Women, by and large, don’t.

Why dating after divorce is easier for a man? Here are 4 lessons to learn from him.

1. compartmentalize our pain:

Women bond with one another by sharing what’s going on in their lives. They connect by catching up with the stories of their lives: their kids, their spouses, what’s happening at work. And of course, the latest date. The date is where we like to focus our attention… kids are great but if you’re not a mom, it’s a lot easier to connect with your colleague or friend by talking about falling in and out of love.

We love to talk about falling in and out of love.

We spend hours talking about love and all its permutations. Which is why women have a more difficult time letting go of the latest heartbreak. We feel the rejection deeply and we keep it going by rehashing the same sob story.

It would be better for women to take this lesson from men and learn why dating after divorce requires some compartmentalizing of our pain. We all have to compartmentalize the pain of our divorce – leaving the war stories until trust is built. Why not compartmentalize the disappointment of a series of bad dates instead of catching everyone up at work about generalized ideas about the opposite sex?

2. shrug off a bad evening:

When a man has a bad date or is ghosted by a date he’s interested in, he might grumble about the cost of the evening. He may also have this momentary sense that there aren’t any good women out there. But by and large, the guys I get reports from, simply re-rack and get back out there. That Y chromosome changes everything.

When a woman has a bad date or if that man she’s interested in doesn’t ask her out again, she feels it deeply. Personally. Which stinks because we’re simply not responsible for how others react to us. The combination of chemistry, communication, and even just compatibility is real. Dr. Patricia Allen says all three must be present in order to have the potential of a good relationship.

Even for a man, dating after divorce for a man the face of disappointment and rejection, it’s not easy to remember the greater forces at play.

I had a date over two years ago with a man who never took me out again. With two small children, had we connected, I would be helping to raise his children. In the heat of the moment, I was all in with my fantasy. When he didn’t ask me out again, I took it personally forgetting about the fact that he and I are in two totally different places in our lives. Taking the rejection personally hardly helped my self-esteem. I felt embarrassed by my attraction and unwanted instead of shrugging it off and looking for a new guy.

3. resilience and courage:

There are a lot of people in this world. I used to say, out of billions of human beings, I really only need one man to show up and be in my life. Just one. As I’ve matured and fallen in and out of love with several men, my understanding of love has also grown. I’ve learned that we all have the potential to meet and love many people.

Which is why watching men date is inspiring. The guys I know fall in and out of love quickly and oftentimes, completely. They’re either in love or not. Which, if you’re the woman wanting love from a man who isn’t returning the sentiment, can be pretty tough. But watching men date and love has given me a front-row seat to how women need to move on.

Love will come and love will go.

We could do well to say a blessing or two, give them to a higher power and ask for help ourselves. Just the way friendships grow, change, go away, and fade. Life is a continuous cycle of new inspiration if we let it be. This is what I find inspiring about watching guys date after divorce. They are all in… seeking, searching, looking for love.

Dating after divorce is easier for a man because they often know everyone leaving a marriage is looking for love.

Why else leave? The concept that there is love available… one person, two, is a worthy thing to remember. It keeps us going. Seeking… searching for the next true love. Will they be your soulmate or my the one who wounds your heart? Only time will tell, but the courage to seek is the source for the quest. In many ways, the seeking and how you go about doing so becomes more important than getting that soulmate. And that’s where men excel.

Women searching, seeking with a dose of courage rather than being resigned and guarded, do best. It takes real energy and enthusiasm to make any relationship work. Dating has to be peppered with those ingredients right from the start. Without resilience and courage, the disappointments can rack up and leave the savviest of women staying home on a Friday night. If you’re looking for love, you can’t stay home.

4. stop dwelling:

After a divorce, you know all about disappointments! There hasn’t been a single person I’ve worked with who can’t run through a litany of stories describing and justifying why the opposite sex causes disappointments. However, the men I work with tend to brush those fears – they really are stories about being afraid of being hurt again – to the side.

In the marketplace, no one can go through their career without disappointment, rejection, loss, fear, and the need for resilience. Guys get this in spades. Women, as the culture reflects and people way smarter than I have written, often have a more difficult time with competition despite having excelled in all sorts of competitive arenas.

There’s no way any of us would be successful in the marketplace if we kept dwelling on disappointment or rejection.

As an actress, I have had thousands of auditions at this point but have only booked a few handfuls of roles. If I brought that disappointment or rejection into every audition, I couldn’t stay in the arena. But I don’t. I’ve learned not to take things so personally.

Which is why remembering why dating after divorce is easier for a man and learning these 4 lessons from him is so important. All of us have to move on. There are too many people on the planet to get caught up in the one who got away. Sure, it takes courage and a sense of resilience and sure, it’s not easy in the face of losing a marriage, but like a man, it’s time to get into the dating arena with enthusiasm and find new love.

As my coach, Mastin Kipp reminds us, “what misses us was never for us and what’s for us will never miss us.”

If you’re having trouble dating after divorce and would like an easier time, doingDivorce™ School is open for enrollment. Reach out and set up a complimentary call.

Adjusting To Being A Single Dad When You Are Miserable (And Missing Your Ex)

May 10, 2018

Sometimes it doesn’t matter who wanted out. Adjusting to being a single dad when you are miserable (and missing your ex) is tough. There’s this enormous amount of pressure from kids and frankly, from yourself, to do things the way their mom did. However, way too often, no matter how much you try, your kids still find a way to criticize the efforts you’re making. Which is why adjusting to being a single dad can be particularly lonely and isolating. Nothing seems to go right and it’s tough to reach out for help and to get the right kind of support needed to smooth out this period of time.

Kids have a way of scrutinizing the best of parents.

It’s not that they don’t want you to succeed, they simply see the struggle, the differences, and zero in on your lack of confidence. They, like, you, aren’t comfortable with all the changes in the family and lifestyle. They can’t grasp heartache to the extent you can. They’re also not well-equipped with a sense of compassion or an understanding of the amount of effort you’re making to get their lives running smoothly in the right direction.

The task in front of you is real. How to adjust to being a single dad and manage the emotions coursing through you? That ex, no matter what happened, also was a familiar presence in your home. She didn’t leave just to make your life miserable (even when she did). In the big picture of things, she left so that you could figure out how to step into your independence. The gifts? A chance to grow. An opening for a re-do halfway through your life. An opportunity to build a new relationship with your kids dependent upon what you and they want. No mothers allowed!

In the midst of the changes are the feelings.

It’s frustrating to be angry and miserable at the same time. It can be confusing to be missing someone who wanted to leave or who made your life difficult. And it’s confounding to still be physically attracted to someone who just blew up your home.

Many men even argue they don’t miss her and don’t want her back. But yet, they begin searching for a new lover long before they’re emotionally healed or ready to give wholeheartedly to a healthy partner. So I argue, covering up that hurt, shame, and loneliness with a new girl on your arm only makes matters worse, not better. The confusion of conflicting emotions just doesn’t make adjusting to being a single dad any easier.

A bad marriage rips apart parents’ roles. Moms trash dads and dads become super insecure and defensive. I see this over and over again. As a mom, I wasn’t able to support my own children’s father either as he forged ahead to create a new lifestyle with my kids. A life without me. No matter what he thought or felt about me, adjusting to being a single dad was difficult and confusing to him and to my kids. I know, because my kids told me.

However miserable adjusting to being a single dad when you are missing your ex is, it gives you a real chance to change the course of your future.

It sets you up to get in touch with feelings you’ve probably shoved down with food, alcohol, cigarettes, and sex (sometimes for years). It allows you to home in on the parts of you that are undeveloped and needing some maturing up.

This looks like showing up for your kids as the kind of adult you want them to become. Teaching them how to develop resilience in the face of fear or disappointments. Being there for them when they need a compassionate, warm, and strong presence even when you don’t feel up to it. Reminding them that you’ve got this and together, that you’ll figure things out whether you believe you will or not.

Sure, this appears immense in the face of loss. It’s difficult when you’re missing her and they’re crying for their mom as you’re trying to put them to bed on the nights you have them. It’s awful when you go to pick them up on your weekend but the kids don’t want to come with you or they hang up on you when you call to check in.

I remember being that child.

I recall how my poor dad just seemed to shrink in the face of my tears and how he lost the words to comfort me. This is a normal experience for divorced parents and it’s tough to bear witness to your child’s pain. However, it also provides you a chance to create a different relationship with your kids. To help them bond with you by being there for them in the role of being their parent no matter how you feel inside.

In fact, these feelings inside now have a chance to be expressed. Modeling how you express them allows your child a healthy example of vulnerability. By acknowledging the pain, by expressing your own confusion but delivering the words with age-appropriate statements, you as the single dad, are showing your kids how to handle life’s difficulties.

Separation and divorce bring immense changes into everyone’s life.

It’s not easy to ride out the tough moments without losing it a bit. And lose it a bit you probably should though in a safe space and at the right time. (Instead of hiding behind the pack of cigarettes or another beer.) Some people write others compose, still, others learn to channel their feelings into exercise or something creative in the kitchen.

I find it exciting when the dads I coach teach their kids family traditions. Or when they bond over their mutual enjoyment of rides or activities and hobbies.

All of these emotional experiences are normal and natural. They make sense only in the context of this modern-day rite of passage. How else are you, a single dad, going to forge ahead and make your home life happy without her? How are you going to grieve so you can forgive? Let go so you can have what you’ve always wanted? Figure things out so you can earn back your self-esteem, your self-respect? Never mind let go enough to have an open heart?

If I could leave you with one piece of advice, it would be this: know that you and your children will manage and even thrive if you allow the roller coaster of emotions to go through you without shaming or blaming. As you begin adjusting to being a single dad when you are miserable and missing your ex, you begin your healing from the loss of your family. This is an important and vital step in the experience.

If you find yourself at a loss sometimes, you may want to consider getting my daily inspiration emails. I fill them with hope, inspiration, and perspective. I do my best to help those navigating this rite of passage with more grace and confidence.