Parenting

Stop The Tailspin! How To Triumph Over Daily Overwhelm

March 8, 2019

Blond haired woman with hands over eyes dealing with daily overwhelm.

Breathe. Way too often the big complaint is the crazy feeling of we all have of our daily overwhelm. I get it. Sometimes, okay, most of the time, life has a lot going on and you’re in a tailspin. Especially during times of stress. Well, it’s time to stop the tailspin and triumph over the daily overwhelm. I know how to do it and I’m going to lay it out below!

Planning.

I was on a call the other day with this smart tech guy who asked me to respond to his email so that he could put what he offered to do for me onto his To-Do list. I laughed! He didn’t have any paper nearby nor a pen. He was in a paperless office.

Which is cool. I get that we’re supposed to save trees and cut back on paper. But what I don’t understand is how a professional needs me to remind him to do what he’s offered to do. Talk about living in a tailspin! It simply feels like twice the amount of work and a lot more daily overwhelm.

It feels as if the tailspin and daily overwhelm are caused by making more work for ourselves.

In an age where streamlining and simplifying our lives to conquer the daily overwhelm are the goal, it seems somewhat ridiculous that things are twice as complicated. This shows up everywhere as an older generation struggles to learn the intricacies of tech and a younger generation forgets how to hold a pencil and write on a piece of paper. Things are complicated. And as a result, we’ve become overly stressed out.

In order to overcome the tailspin and the daily overwhelm, I suggest a few basic things to bring back into your life. And it begins with simply making a plan. For the month, the week, and frankly, for the day.

Don’t let the concept of planning for your day overwhelm you more – it will help!

To start, I want to keep this simple. I’m certain you’ve got a ton on your mind. So begin by writing down all of it… everything you’re thinking about. And, for goodness sake, use a piece of paper and a pen! (Or the back of an envelope if you still get snail mail.) Your daily overwhelm demands a little attention!

You can also write on the back of used sheets of paper – that’s what I do – sheets of paper are all over my desk and office which I then tear up and recycle in the recycling bin. (Doing my part to recycle the white stuff rather than simply put it into landfill.) I find by recycling, I triumph over the trash!

But what I’ve noticed with clients is that without taking the time to sit and think, and doing a little, teeny bit of planning, on a daily basis, it can all get super overwhelming. I know that I can go into a tailspin and then my stress levels go up. No one wants that. So I’d like you to download what’s on your mind.

Be careful not to begin to think too big. Too out there. Maddeningly out there. Do you know what I mean?

Ask yourself what’s on your mind. Then, write down everything. If you can or if you need to, use many pieces of paper (and if you need that keyboard, do this thinking work in a writing app!) Sort out where things go. For example, categorize if you can: family, home, self, friends, school, kids, etc.

This is important. Once you’ve got the items on your mind categorized, there’ll be a little more clarity rather than just one big mish-mash of daily overwhelm!

The next part is about taking action – you’ll need to break things down into steps.

We never accomplish any goal in one fell swoop. It’s usually made up of many steps. So you’re going to need to break things down into steps. We can do small steps. In fact, the bigger the goal, the more steps there are to accomplishing it.

Daily overwhelm is overcome by taking small steps. This is how you triumph!

Once you’ve got your categories, goals and small steps, circle what you can DO today. Just today. Not the entire goal… I can’t move into a new home today until I’ve searched where I want to live, figured out how much I can afford, hired an agent to help me, gone to open houses, put in an offer, negotiated the deal, closed on it, and planned the move in date.

When we accomplish the small steps, we feel a sense of triumph over the usual daily overwhelm.

We also feel a sense of accomplishment no matter how many goals we have to handle. I know this because I’ve always got a lot going on. And, I also keep things going in the right direction. I triumph over my daily overwhelm by thinking and planning on a monthly, weekly, and daily basis. I create (on paper so I can touch, see and feel it) a daily To-Do list. With small action-oriented steps. Things I can easily accomplish. And then.. I cross off each step as I DO it. (This will feel good and is the best part!)

Got it? I teach an entire course on this… super fun. Super easy. But, you will need to use a pen at least. You can find the link here!

Staring Down The Married Moms In The PTA, Sports Games & Carpool Line. You Got This Sister

August 29, 2018

Being a single mom isn’t easy. There are days when handling all the chores, balancing so many different roles, and managing the responsibilities can take out the strongest. Then there’s school and all that school brings with it including, other moms. Married moms. Staring down the married moms in the PTA, sports games & carpool line makes Bad Moms (the movie) look tame to those in real life. As school approaches and you’re at it again, let me remind you, you got this sister!

No matter what the environment, being a single mom brings up a lot of self-consciousness.

But the schoolyard dance is especially uncomfortable. You’re acutely aware of sticking out like a sore thumb. You wonder if everyone else is noticing how you stand on one side of the schoolyard while your kids’ other parent is on the other. Paying attention to his friends, you’re acutely aware of those who no longer say hello to you at school meetings. You study how teachers interact with him versus how they interact with you. When other single moms cozy up to him, you make a mental note to stay away. The comparison is never-ending. The alarm bells, loud.

The hardest part about being a single mom is being on constant alert.

So the schoolyard dance is not fun. On top of all that, you’re also comparing yourself to those married women. You muse whether they’re truly happy at home. You look for signs of discontentment when you see both parents together – a cold shoulder, a peck goodbye, a shrug and some dismissive sign of fighting. It’s almost as if you hope they’re not happy because inside it feels so awkward to be among other married couples.

The hardest part about being a single mom around married moms is that you don’t recognize yourself.

It’s not the married mom’s fault you’re divorcing (unless, perhaps, they slept with your husband). It’s not their fault they like the guy and maybe, never got along with you. Married moms are in their own worlds dealing with their own stuff just the way you are. They may even feel a twinge of jealousy as they imagine you’re out there dating and meeting great men!

But the thoughts and feelings coursing through you are what makes the entire thing so weird. On the one hand, you’re desperate for those friendships and being part of the PTA crowd just so you feel as if you belong somewhere and that someone will talk with you again. On the other, you simply can’t care about what they think. You can’t care about what anyone thinks anymore. So you pull in and hide afraid that if they saw the depth of your pain, they’d reject you anyway.

On occasion, there’s a married mom who gets it. Perhaps she’s been in your shoes and is now happily remarried. Perhaps she’s just wise and judicious and can handle the conflict between you and your ex but is emotionally mature enough to overlook the fight and to keep you balanced, happy, and involved at school. Those moms are worth hanging onto without using them to dump on! Those are the married moms you want to emulate. No matter what might be going on in their own homes.

How to make being a single mom work.

Heading back to the school meetings and gossip-filled schoolyard you’re going to need a few new rules to put in place.

Leave the gossip at home. Don’t bring it into the PTA meeting or parent-teacher meeting. Keep gossip out of the classroom. By doing so, you’re not putting fuel on an already smoking fire.

Being a single mom with your child’s other parent.

Include your child’s father in all conversations. I know this one is particularly hard for all sorts of reasons. But the longer you separate parent-teacher meetings or stand away from him in the parking lot, the longer the awkwardness is.

You don’t have to be his friend. I advise you not talk about your dating or the struggles at home. You simply need to stand close enough so that others don’t have to wonder and ask about how the fight is going. When you don’t give them any ammunition, you appear gracious and kind. Even if inside you’re angrier than a bee stuck in a bonnet!

I’m not always gracious and kind. I aspire to be but sometimes it’s really tough. However, I do my best to generate some semblance of courteousness so that I can hold my head high around my peers. So, I would wave but not necessarily sit next to my kids’ dad at the football games. I made sure that I volunteered in the snack shed on the days he didn’t so we wouldn’t have to work together but I always served him his food with a thank you. And, we attended parent-teacher meetings so that when we had to complain about a Dean, we were a united front.

You see, I’ve been a single mom in the schoolyard for a long time! I know this isn’t easy but if I can spare you some mistakes, you’ll thank me. So let’s continue sister – you’ve got this!

How to make being a single mom work even when it’s really difficult.

That need to whine, complain, and panic has to be kept between you and your therapist or coach. Not dumped on other single moms or onto the married moms. If you do, you’ll most likely outgrow and/or lose those women as your friends.

I live in a big city so there are a lot of women around me. But, honestly, I lost every single friendship I had with other women at my kids’ school because of dumping on them. I’m not being dramatic. Being super involved (super mom) in my kids’ school had me involved with all the parents. But today, none of them are my friends. None of them call. I never socialize with any of them anymore including the ones who were at my home every week. And it’s because I could not control myself around them during my divorce.

I share this with you because chances are you’re in a small community. You’re among the same people you’ve known for years. And the school years add up to 12 or 14 years by the time you’re all done. You’re going to want to remain friends with these women! You’re going to need them in your life. So, practice some discipline around them…

Staring down the married moms who’ve known you a long time.

When you leave home to go to the school events, plan what you’re going to talk about.

When you volunteer, think about who’s going to be there and remember a few details about their lives that you can focus on. Let them be the ones who are doing the talking!

Compartmentalize your fear before leaving the house and remind yourself no one at school can really help you while they’re parenting their own kids. Instead, watch your kids, notice other children or read a book at the playground. Enjoy those precious moments. It’ll give you a chance to think about something other than all the stuff you’ve got going on.

When another mom (married or single) asks how you’re doing (cuz they will if you’re not volunteering information) simply use these phrases: “today isn’t a good day” if that’s the case or “today’s a good day” and do your best to leave it at that.

If you do find you’ve over-shared, pick up the phone or send a text and apologize for leaking. Thank them for listening and offer not to do so again in the future.

Remember, you’ll not do any of this perfectly. There will be days you’ll mess up royally and vent, cry, show signs of weariness, and panic. You’ll do all that even when you’re feeling secure and strong. But, if you apologize, you offer some grace and those married moms especially will witness the courage and fortitude you’re creating in the midst of a really tough time.

Staring down the married moms who can see through all your B.S.

One last thought: going through a divorce is tough. You can’t lie about that either. Those married moms are interested, they are watching you. They’re wondering how you’re doing if your finances are in order if the kids are healthy if you’re thin and dating… they are watching, comparing, assessing you as you work your way through a divorce they may (or may not) be considering. You are their teacher!

So, you can’t pretend that it’s not hard. You simply can’t leak and leak, leak. Their lives are not your lives and you can’t get upset that their lives seem less chaotic at the moment. You truly have no idea of what’s really going on.

You must be gracious. Kind. Interested in them as if you’ve got this. Those statements: “today isn’t a good day” “today is a good day” are as truthful as you want to get. When you use them, you show an emotional maturity those married moms might not have. They permit emotionally safe boundaries. They help you remain the parent at the moment, a peer among married moms instead of a lady who’s losing it out of fear and panic. Those statements help you remain poised. They are the line between over-sharing and remaining in control.

You need these skills right now! Your life is not a reality TV show. Your life is worth being respected. You’re worth admiring no matter what went down to end your marriage. Staring down the married moms in the PTA or at the sports games is much easier with a few guidelines and memorized answers to the questions you get at school. When you follow these simple (not easy) directives, you’ll feel confident you got this sister!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, join Laura’s Daily Inspiration: https://www.laurabonarrigo.com/inspiration.

Hey Single Dad… 5 Signs The Single Women You’re Looking At Are Actually Interested

August 17, 2018

Dating for a single dad can be challenging. On the one hand, you want intimacy and fun. On the other, you’ve got kids and they make things more complicated. Fortunately, single women usually like kids and are actually interested in being a child’s confidante. This means, keep your chin up! 5 signs the single women you’re looking at are actually interested in you will give single dads a head’s up on how well they’re being received and what to look for.

Dating a man with kids is often super fun for single women. Not all women, sure. But for the majority, our DNA is wired to take care of others. Children included. You’ll know she’s into you by the way she responds (over and over again).

Let’s take a look at the obvious signs: she shows an interest by smiling, laughing with you, dressing up, and being pleasant. All the things we do when we’re interested in another person. But then there’s the interest in your children, the inquiries about their lives or the concern about how they’re doing.

On a cynical level, I believe we all show up super sweet, smiling, laughing, pretty or hot, pleasant, interested, concerned, and nice during the beginning stages of dating and building a relationship. Why else would any one of us stay involved with anyone else otherwise? This is where things get confusing.

The single dad declares, “She really likes my kids!” Please excuse my scorn, but, like… duh!? You wouldn’t be dating her otherwise. BTW this is the same for single moms dating single men too. To be clear, don’t you think you wouldn’t, or maybe you shouldn’t, date someone who doesn’t like your kids?

However, dating a man with kids is not the stuff of movies and storytelling. Families are complicated and it’s not easy to blend a family into one unit. The challenge of being a single father is finding a woman who not only adores you but also one who can handle the obstacles all blended families go through on their way to becoming a united family.

I grew up in with 5 step brothers and sisters. They were older than me and didn’t live at my home with their father, my step-dad. My dad and my step-mom also had a daughter. Altogether, there were 12 kids. None of it was easy. The age differences were broad and we, fortunately, did not all live under the same roof.

Growing up in the Brady Bunch era, I had fantasies we would all get along. But that’s all it was – fantasies. The older kids had their own lives and several never bonded with my mother. When my step-dad passed, most of those step-siblings went on with their lives. Sure, wounds were opened but my mom is a tough gal and she carried on with those who wanted to share their lives with her.

Talk about some tough love.

But in order to grasp the amount of emotional stuff kids bring with them, we have to develop a thick skin. All children resent sharing their parents. So why should a new lover or step-mom be any different?

I say all this to single dads (and moms) as a way of giving you a head’s up. She’s interested but is she aware? You’re interested but are you prepared? Here are 5 signs the single women you’re looking at are actually interested:

She likes that you still like women and you make her feel good

Men who like women treat women right. They’re not stereotyping all women into a cookie cutter mold that looks like their ex-wife. By letting women show up as they are, it allows single dads to find healthy, fun women.

Women want to feel good around a guy so single dads need to have things in perspective before settling into a long-term relationship. Guys who don’t feel great about themselves or about women in general (usually that’s a sign of unhealed trauma) need a little more healing time before they settle down.

You’re a single dad who’s fun and adventurers.

You enjoy doing new things and you enroll your kids in joining you. You’re able to manage your kids’ moods and are able to keep yourself in check. These skills will entice a woman into falling in love with you. Most women can handle kids, they just can’t handle all the responsibility of parenting them. So if you’ve got this figured out, that single woman is going to find you very appealing!

You’re expressive instead of withholding.

This goes hand in hand with a man who’s done some healing work. Women, especially single women, want to emotionally process and get to know who you are today. They want to know about your relationship with your kids and how your day goes. If you’re the kind of man who’s unable to express his feelings or unable to talk about his day, you might have a more difficult time finding a single woman who can take on you and your children in one fell swoop.

But if you’re the type of man who can engage in a conversation, express feelings, and allow her to talk (while you listen); if you can just hold her while she verbally expresses herself and give her room to feel her feelings while you step into yours, then you know she’s into you.

She lets you do the things you need to do without pressuring you

Single women have become used to being independent. You may find if she’s really into you that she lets you do your thing without pressuring you. This is huge for a single dad who’s balancing parental duties with dating.

At first, this may seem contradictory but it really isn’t. Single women need down time too. They want girl time, primping time, time to work out. By letting you do the things you want to do (with your kids) without her pressure, she’s also setting herself up for the personal time she needs to feel good about herself and her life too.

She makes sure you include your children in the things you’re doing together.

A woman who’s secure is going to be willing and able to include your children in her life without making too big a deal about it. Sure, you welcome her company and perhaps even another set of eyes. But more importantly for someone dating a man with kids, she wants to be with them. She also likes being with them when she’s with you. This is huge and valuable. You really can’t be with a woman who doesn’t like your kids no matter how cynical I may be. That kind of single woman is one to hang onto.

Dating a man with kids, she doesn’t force herself onto your children.

This is one of the most difficult and most important steps to take note of. Does she let your kids live their own life? Is she secure enough not to have to be with them whenever you are? Does she use your kids’ affection as some measure of your commitment to her? Be careful here. Too many single dads have gotten themselves into trouble because a woman pressures your kids to do things with her that they don’t want to do.

Dating a man with kids is complicated and at times confusing. Many women you’ll meet will want to be in a family dynamic. The challenging part is reading the signs that she’s ready and able to be in a healthy relationship with you and your children. As you grasp her intentions and read the signs, you’ll be better able to find the right partner for you and your family.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

“Do As I Say, Not As I’ve Done” & Other Life Lessons That Make You Feel Like A Hypocrite To Your Kids

August 3, 2018

In the rush to put your life back together, there’s this moment when parents need to act-out… there’s unexpressed anger to vent, missed intimacy to be made up for, and hurt that has to come out. But, in the midst of all this is the very real role of parenting through divorce. And a lot of mistakes. The phrase, “Do as I say, not as I’ve done” brings up those choices from our past but also the present mistakes we make in separation and divorce. Other, preventable life lessons after divorce may make you feel like a hypocrite to your kids without the right context. Given that you’re their primary role model, it’s important to understand, accept and expect a lot of mistakes up ahead.

Parenting through divorce.

Parenting through divorce is really difficult. Parents typically worry about the effects of their divorce on their children. They worry that it’ll mess them up. Just to set the record straight – divorces don’t mess up children, the constant fighting, venting, prolonged court cases, and numerous lovers coming in and out of their lives does that dirty work.

You cannot mess up your child’s life by improving your own. You cannot mess up a child’s life by getting them out of dangerous or toxic environments. You mess up when you stop being their parent.

It’s also really tough to know how to take care of yourself while needing to care for your kids. It’s not easy to compartmentalize your anger or fear, to take on a lover and enjoy yourself or move and return to work without worrying about the effects on your family. But families are resilient when parenting is solid. During a divorce, most parents aren’t really very solid.

The post-divorce, post-trauma side of separation is a fragile time.

You will make a lot of mistakes post-divorce, post-trauma as you pull away from unhealthy or even toxic relationships. But like most life-lessons, separation and divorce give you the chance to start over. To do things differently and to model healthy lifestyle choices. “Do as I say, not as I’ve done” becomes a theme and parenting through divorce, you will want to scream your life lessons from the rooftops as you become aware of what happened, your part in the breakup, and the choices you made.

But children, especially young ones, model in silence. They won’t grasp the words, the venting, the anger. They’ll watch you. Kids feel the tension at home. They will mirror your stress levels. (And you really need to expect them to do so.) When you prepare for it and know how to calm yourself and your kids down, life will become easier. (And your children will stop avoiding spending time with you.)

Being a parent post-divorce, post-trauma.

I admire parents who leave unhealthy, toxic or difficult relationships. I commend them for showing their children that life doesn’t have to be so difficult or cruel. But saying that, I also know there’s a lot of backlash and being a parent in divorce brings with it, guilt, regrets, fears, and worries. Of course, it does!

Children will push and punish any parent breaking up the family home. Kids can be mean and most parents struggle with balancing their love with being defensive. Teenagers are great at playing games but so are young kids who quickly learn to test which parent will buy them the things they want in exchange for their seemingly finite amount of love.

None of this is true of course, kids usually stick around even after possibly taking a break from a parent. But the cycle of co-dependence and fear is difficult to grasp in the midst of the backlash.

Instead of succumbing to your child’s nonstop demands, it’s best to model tolerance and compassion…

“Do as I say, not as I’ve done” reflects everything you’ve ever done as a parent, not just your parenting through divorce.

Not just a separated or divorced parent. Not just the parent who needs to go on a date, fall in love, have some sex. Your parenting is going to come into focus as you learn more about your own actions and behavior before, during, and after your separation. Everything will be looked at – either by you, individually or by the courts and your children’s other parent.

This is where compassion comes in. You’ve made some mistakes – even a lot of mistakes! While you recreate your life post-divorce, you get to evaluate and own your life lessons.

Life lessons after divorce.

Snore. You’re not interested in learning anything more. You want sex, love, physical touch. It’s easier to blame than to look in the mirror. And way easier to vent, commiserate, and complain. I know. No one said this was going to be easy. You just thought a separate life would be easier than what you’ve been living through during an unhappy marriage.

The exciting thing is that once you grasp the context… that your life is, can, really change for the better… it all gets easier to handle. You can cut yourself some slack. Have some compassion for your own fears, your children’s behavior, the situation at hand. Change is never easy for the human animal. Separation and divorce bring loads of change.

“Do as I say, not as I’ve done.”

When you begin to model this sort of resilience, take it on and own it, your children witness a strong role model. By teaching them that tough times can be dealt with, they learn they too can handle what life lessons will come their way. Instead of being the out of control, angry, horny parent they don’t recognize, you get to show them how to rise above difficulties.

Your mistakes will come up. Expect your kids to challenge what you’re doing now and how they recall the past. This isn’t to say you’re completely at fault, it also doesn’t give you permission to become defensive. Your children have had a front row seat to your parenting before, during, and after divorce. They’ve been watching. They’ve also been at the effects of your choices and mistakes.

I find these moments humbling (and upsetting). These are the times when I wish I had had a manual, a role model or a mentor for how to do this more gracefully. Generously. I now know that if we don’t do our healing work, we leave that pain to our children to handle. Which isn’t just unfair, it sets up the next generation to mirror, repeat, and go through what we’ve gone through in relationship. Not doing our work means, we’ve become the biggest hypocrite to our kids.

Parenting through divorce means owning all of it.

To get through a divorce well – to find new love, healthy relationships, fun sex, meaningful work or a lifestyle you can thrive in, means doing the healing work. Divorce doesn’t happen between two healthy people. The biggest life lesson after divorce is that you were part of that dynamic. It wasn’t always their fault. Owning that, understanding and having compassion for the person you once were helps your kids see that they too will make mistakes. The hypocrisy goes away when you heal. And grow. Shift, change, own it all. It becomes rather freeing.

Separation and divorce sets you up for a better life. Whether you wanted the divorce or not. It’s always up to you but rising above the anger, the hurt, the need to punish, helps your kids adjust to the changes in their life. It helps them learn to trust you again. And it gives them a chance to come back when you were the one who made the mistakes. (No longer the hypocrite you once feared being.)

If you’re stuck doing this sort of growth on your own, it’s time to look into doingDivorce™ School. My online, group class was created to help those going through breakups do so with perspective, understanding, and compassion for the experience and what they’re going through. Joining a community, a new tribe of like-minded people, helps students overcome the shame, fear, and to create a better future in a supportive community.

Juicy Things No One Ever Tells You About Life Being A Sexy Single Mom

July 24, 2018

I doubt you planned on being a single mom. At least not one who would be home with kids (of all ages) and then be interested in dating and having sex. Being a sexy single mom, you may question how to parent responsibly and have a personal life. Especially if you’re the one with primary custody and little time to herself. The struggle to be a sexy, single mom is real but it’s also doable. Here are juicy things no one ever tells you about life as a single mom and having sex that will help you put some of this into perspective.

Dating as a single mom interested in having sex.

MILF… the title introduced to me as a divorced mom. For those of you unsure of what this means, it means, a “mom I’d like to f – ck.” Who knew?! I felt utterly naive. With that title came a lot of come-ons… men, young enough to be my sons hitting on me at networking events, men with pregnant wives needing a little attention, men who expected sex with first date cocktails, and men who simply expected I’d choose them just… well, because. It was a whole new world.

Dating as a single mom negated one very big part of my life: my children. Their well-being, their safety, their happiness, the changes they were going through, and the pain they were reconciling with. Not a single one of those MILF seeking men considered my kids. Of course, they didn’t. And for that reason, none of them got me into bed. Because my kids came first.

The struggle with being a single mom who wants sex.

Most divorced parents do their best to balance personal needs and desires with parenting. I’ve seen all sorts of behavior and am not here to judge. The woman who can enjoy casual sex while her kids are in school or with their other parent is as empowered to me as those who choose to stay home, quiet, feeling the feels, and not getting involved with men. Each is a winner in my book!

When a mom hides her sexual life, she is in a way, protecting her children. It only seems natural to not want to share that part of our personalities with our kids. After all, most married parents don’t share this part of their relationship with their children either, so it feels like the right thing to do.

The hard part comes when there are no boundaries. That’s when the struggle to balance mothering with being a sexy single mom again becomes real. You have to figure out how to make being a single mom work around having sex without your child getting involved with your love life. You have to manage childcare with intercourse, dating with diapers, and “uncle so and so” with questions about why he’s in bed with you in the morning. None of this is easy.

It’s empowering to figure out how to be a sexy single mom.

I have found that women, moms, are pretty creative people! You really can have it all, it just takes a little more effort and finesse than you might be used to.

Being a sexy single mom, hopefully, you’ve got some support – their father is a great place to start with secure childcare. No dad around? How about a family member or exchanging babysitting with another mom in your same position? Ask a young teacher at school or find a neighborhood teen who wants to earn some money. The effort to find competent childcare is real but not doing so and inviting your children into your sex life, cannot be an option. So find someone to help you!

Being a single mom, you have needs and desires.

Once childcare is arranged you can remember your sexy single self for a while. However, even when you no longer need to play the role of mom, your desires may need a little coaxing to come out. This may take a bit longer than when you were young and single.

You may need to plan a little more self-care time prepping with a bath, some oils, a cute outfit, and a fun evening to look forward to.

You may need to have your hormones checked! We assume feeling randy is natural (and it is) but if you’re new to dating again, you may want to visit your MD and have a full checkup to make the experience less daunting.

You may need to leave your home! Feeling sexy in the same place where you’re the disciplinarian, grocery shopper, diaper changing, the meal prepping parent may not allow you to easily remember your Tantra yoga moves.

You may need to set up some new guidelines to keep your life simple:

no one young enough to be your son
maybe not in your bed at home
stay away from those who smoke, drink, or use (role modeling and all matters)
forget those who don’t have a job or a place to call their own
be careful of men who may hit on your teenage daughter

Of course, when you’re turned on, a little tipsy, out with your girlfriends or at an event, all rules may be thrown to the wind. But it’ll feel pretty awkward in the light of day when some guy (young enough to be your son) steps over toys coming out of your bedroom and expects you to make him breakfast… So guidelines are a good thing to help avoid the post-sex vulnerability hangover. Not having them just complicates things.

A single mom wants sex…

Sure you do. Of course, you do! Please have sex if that’s what you want. Just don’t make things any more complicated than they have to be.

Separate your life. Be a mom here, a lover there. Keep your sensual, sexual side away from your parenting. Not because you’re not allowed to have both, but because your kids won’t like it. When our kids don’t like certain aspects of our personalities, they make our lives difficult.

Teenagers do not want to know that their sexy single mom is having sex.

Your teenagers truly do not want to know about your casual sex life. They don’t want to see you all dressed up and tipsy hanging onto the arm of a cute stranger. Your teenage daughter doesn’t want to compete with you for the car or to sit home with her younger siblings while you spend the night somewhere else. And they don’t want to see someone they barely know coming out of your bedroom in the morning. They want you to be their mother.

Don’t play the fool.

Do not fool yourself into thinking that your teenagers can handle your sex life. They can’t. Your young adults can’t either. In fact, your children, no matter what age, do not want to know about your sexy, single side. That is your secret.

When parents, single moms, mix the two: parenting with their sexy, single side – things get truly messy. I can’t stress this enough. You can have your sex. (Please do if it’s important to you.) Just don’t involve your kids.

Kids, traditionally born into wedlock, just don’t get it.

All kids have a hard enough time dealing with their parents’ divorce, adding intimacy on top of that blurs their roles. Unfortunately, when that happens, they’ll lose respect for you! They will feel insecure and hurt if your latest lover leaves and then have to start all over again when a new one comes into their lives. They will make your life miserable if they don’t like your newest crush. And they won’t trust love themselves as a result.

These are not lessons a single mom wants to teach her kids. Too many teens or young adults are forced into participating in their mom’s sexy, single side and it’s simply not fair. They’re not the ones who need to be the chaperone. And when the roles get mixed up, they will resent the parent who does so. It’s not worth it.

Being a sexy single mom is awesome and juicy!

It truly is. You know what you know about men, being hurt, having fun. You know how to parent and run your home. You’ve figured out what kind of man is safe. And you know your body. Now it’s time to play within the proper boundaries keeping that part of your personality separate so that you can enjoy some fun while keeping the respect you’ve worked so hard to get from your kids.

I can’t wait to hear how it goes!