Life Lessons

Sick Of Being Unhappy? Find the Joy in Happiness

October 10, 2019

We strive to be happy. It’s an infinite goal for most human beings… be happy! “You’ve got your health; your family is good; be happy!” Yet most adults are not happy. Most adults are angry, depressed, and disappointed. The exact opposite of how we’re told to be in the world and how we want to feel. No matter the narrative you’ve tried to create for yourself, being happy isn’t easy. And for far too many, not being happy drives us crazy.

The standards we use to assess our happiness levels are faulty.

It’s challenging to assess happiness when we use Instagram as a marker objectively. Equally, our obsession with celebrities affects how we value our own lives. (Having been a celebrity, I can assure you, we don’t always have it all together either.) In an effort to “keep up with the Joneses,” we often measure ourselves against our neighbors whose lot in life may be very different than our own. There’s little room for acceptance or gratitude when we compare ourselves to others. Buzzwords we use to decide whether we’re sufficiently happy. Buzzwords that help us find our potential.

Being happy is not easy.

Given this backdrop of our lives, it’s a wonder anyone is ever genuinely happy. Fleeting moments can’t be taken for granted. Falling in love feels good, as does post-coital cuddling and a child’s smile. Celebrating a milestone becomes paramount, just as succeeding with any task, no matter how big. These benchmarks, however, are often few and far between actual day-to-day living. I have often wondered how happiness became so elusive and definitely think about how it can be sustained.

We are rivalrous critters and strive in competitive environments. Most of us rise to challenges and seek opportunities to improve ourselves, our financial picture, and our positions in the community. We want more. We want to tap into opportunities, dreams, and desires. I’m all for human potential! But sometimes, this effort only brings us back to comparing ourselves to our neighbors, colleagues, and those we admire, to where we’re supposed to be on an imaginary timeline. A never-ending vicious circle of comparisons. Without an alternative, we become stuck in being unhappy.

Your standard for inspiration and happiness is not the same as mine.

I struggled in my acting career, knowing there was always someone younger, thinner, and more talented than me. I auditioned for roles against movie and TV stars, and more often than not, I was the one who didn’t get the job. My career choice set me up for many unhappy days. It was really difficult to find joy in happiness. Moments when I compared my body, face, hair, and voice with those who beat me out for a role. It was a no-win situation. And a recipe for unhappiness.

I also have struggled with relationships and spent way too many days doubting who I am and what I have to offer. Sure, I’ve done my work and continue to do so, but you probably don’t want to spend time with me on my birthdays or other benchmarks on the calendar! Especially if there isn’t a handsome date on my arm.

I’ve had to move the goalposts and reassess my markers for success and happiness many times.

It had to happen, and I’m at it again. I can no longer walk around being as unhappy as I’ve been. When I took stock of my situation in NYC (single mom, older actress, living in an expensive city), I had more compassion for my choices. These were my decisions. My choices. I could accept where I was and what I had chosen to do with my life. Or not.

At a certain point, we have to know when we’ve done our best. (An excellent marker that comes from our hearts, minds, and universal beliefs instead of the environment.) Once I admit I gave it my all, no matter the results, I become happier. I stopped competing with the voices in my head and the people around me. I stopped competing, period. Happiness stopped being dependent upon the status I thought I wanted. I chose to find joy in happiness. My happiness.

Find joy in happiness unrelated to the circumstances of your life.

We cannot keep comparing ourselves to others even if we’re wired to be competitive. We have to choose to be happy, to find joy in happiness no matter what. To look inward, remain focused, and get clear. When we choose to be happy, we’re less apt to do things we don’t want. We structure our days to include things we like to do. We start to hang out with people who are fun to be around and bring out the best in us, even if that means making big decisions like leaving a city you love, a person you love, or a lifestyle that no longer serves you.

I’ve often written that “you matter.” Because you do, your happiness is yours to grab hold of and to choose to feel. We’re not victims of our circumstances or relegated to the lives we’re currently living. There’s also too much help available for us to continue feeling down, angry, or depressed. (That’s why I use Instagram.) If you are unhappy and discontent, schedule a quick call with me. Let’s move you from where you are today to where you want to be tomorrow.

Beautiful Bridges – How To Let Go Of What Happened

September 21, 2019

We all like to cling to the past. Caught up in nostalgia, it’s tough to let go of happy memories. The same goes for holding a grudge, we can’t let go of that slight or betrayal. Everybody has a memory worth holding onto. But it’s the ones that get in our way that keep us from building beautiful bridges to the lives we say we want. To our futures. Ready to shed a few tears and to let go of what happened? Good, it’s time for us all to take the next steps.

How to let go of what occurred in your past.

What happened occurred. It’s not necessarily right or wrong. It’s not absolutely justified nor in any way kind. Moral. Righteous or deserved. How you or I would be in the world. Things happened and they hurt.

But because they occurred doesn’t mean, we have to stay stuck in those moments. Nor do we have to be surprised when the memories haunt us. The mind works that way. We become triggered and feelings can be overwhelming.

Feeling the feels is a very human response to help let go of what happened.

It’s when the overwhelm keeps us from moving forward that we need to interject self-love. And a little tough love. You see, you and I, the ones feeling the feels, are the ones suffering from what happened. Not them. We’re the ones who remain stuck in our unhappiness or nostalgia remembering when…

The bridge to build has to be on a foundation of self-love and compassion for being human. If you’re reading this, you’re a feeling animal. We have to grant ourselves the grace to remember what happened, to feel, and to be allowed to let it go. Moment by moment.

These are not sweeping declarative orders… the mind doesn’t work that way. This is more of an “aha” moment… ‘oh, I’m going down that rabbit hole again’ thought that you gently re-direct.

By doing so, we remain very present to what’s up within. And without… are you surrounded by people who will hurt you? Do you need to quit that job? Is it simply the need to change the radio channel you’re listening to? When you take a look around, you become present to what’s up in the here and now.

But the present isn’t always fun. Especially in the heat of intense feelings and overwhelm. In fact, the present is often very difficult.

Creating the bridge to a future you can call your own starts within your imagination. You see what you want. You can feel those feelings and imagine being where you want to be. But in the moment, that can be tough. You may be very far away… feeling feelings you never want to have in the future.

Creating the bridge to a future you can call your own starts within your imagination.

To bridge the past to the present to the future requires a new strategy. First, the awareness that you don’t like what you’re feeling or where you are. Second, knowing a change can be done. That you can heal from what happened. Then the patience to work through the tough feelings and make the choices to change what’s going on.

My clients and I struggle with feeling the feels. I was, after all, an actress. I was paid to cry on TV! So feeling the feels is what I do best. But when I become nostalgic or angry about what happened in my past, I miss out on the amazing things happening in the moment. I also miss out on creating the bridge toward what I want.

That’s when I re-rack and get present to the here and now. I ask myself, ‘what do I have to do now to move my life forward?’ And I get going, practicing what I preach.

When I become nostalgic or angry about my past, I miss out on the amazing things happening in the moment.

In fact, it was only by doing these steps above that I let go of the past betrayal and heartache. By allowing myself the time and place to feel the feelings, I was then able to let go of what happened and heal. It’s what I want for you.

If you’re having trouble with bridging your past to your future, reach out. Let’s set up a strategy session so you can move forward with your life and create the amazing future ahead of you.

How To Persevere In The Face Of Massive Disappointment

September 4, 2019

It happened again. He left without explanation. She fired a colleague. The weekend with your kids was a bust. How often do we have to face massive disappointments? I wager, all the time! So often in fact, it’s astounding anyone has the energy to keep going. How do you persevere in the face of massive disappointments? Below, I’ll share mine.

My wedding day bliss turned to massive disappointments more than once!

I learned to persevere, to allow love back in not by heading to shore and dry-docking my boat but by allowing myself to get back out there! To love, to enter into marriage is a public declaration that you’re willing to risk being hurt. It’s a creative, bold move. No one casually enters into wedlock. You see, I’m definitely not one to shrink in the face of being bold.

But I dislike disappointments as much as the next person so I’ve had to figure out ways to keep going.

As an actress, I’ve faced thousands more rejections than most. Judged on the color of my hair or my height or the number of wrinkles on my face, those disappointments can add up. They are personal. There’s not much I could do about my height but I also didn’t get to work opposite Tom Cruise because of it.

I’ve learned that to persevere in the face of massive disappointments, you have to be bold.

Pick up the pieces, wipe your tears, pull up your big girl (or guy) pants and get going again. It’s not easy nor is it fair but no matter what you want, you’re responsible for doing your best to get it.

If you’ve fallen in and out of love, having had your heart broken a few times, you may know what I’m talking about. It takes courage to keep going. To go online and start dating again. We hope those risks will pay off.

But what if they don’t? What if you do your best, persevere and decide it’s not worth it. That’s fine! You’ve made your decision for now and I’d tell you to try to accept it.

Unfortunately, disappointments come more often than any of us would like. Because change is omnipresent. Things change all around us all the time. And we don’t like it. I don’t like change anymore than anyone else. It can be tough to keep going. I’m in the midst of a massive change right now with my kids off to college and it is not comfortable.

Disappointments are not wrong. Change is uncomfortable.

So I get up each day and decide to feel good. (It’s not always easy.) And when I decide, I also hope – that it will feel okay to be among new people, doing new things. Sometimes it’s easier than others. Sometimes it stinks but like with falling in love, I don’t stay on shore. I get up and head out, being bold and courageous once again. Because, for me there is no other choice.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker, and advisor to those ready to move their lives forward. For empowering and practical ways to begin anew whether personally or professionally, set up a call here.

Foolish complaining – harms the exciting opportunities you want.

August 2, 2019

Woman wearing a white turtle neck and red lipstick has her hands on her temples as the constant complaints are annoying.

We want exciting opportunities. Most people want enough money, a great relationship and a good work environment. When you whine and complain, you harm the exciting opportunities you want. Foolish complaining will, without a doubt, ruin intimacy and love. Those complaints have to go!

The things you want cannot deal with foolish complaining.

A woman I know was going on and on about online dating recently. Newly divorced and wanting a relationship, she had excitedly joined a dating app. But she had too many negative things to say about the people coming her way. It was tough to hear her undercut guys she hoped to date and I made her stop the foolish complaining. It was evidence that more time needed to pass before love could blossom.

She then admitted she isn’t ready to begin dating again. Not yet. I encouraged her to do more healing and to take more time. Love needs vulnerability to thrive.

You cannot complain about the opposite sex at the same time you hope to be intimate.

People at work create these cultures of complaining way too often. It starts subtly then becomes annoying to others. My clients often bring questions on how to deal with workplace complaints. I always tell them not to take the bait. Once you surround yourself with whiners and complainers, it’s easy to join in and tough to break the habit.

A dark skin man w glasses is annoyed by the foolish complaining at his office.

Foolish complaining can destroy camaraderie at work or undercut the promotions you hope to get. Colleagues need solutions not more whining. Management will not promote you. And those coveted customers and clients will stay away. Those that complain must learn how to break the habit. After all it’s called work.

No work environment can deal with whining and complaining without solutions.

And then, way too often, we fall into the trap of undercutting the very person we say we love. We complain and gripe about one another. Or take each other for granted. I see this over and over again in my practice. The foolish complaining destroys intimacy, trust, and love. Just when your personal relationships need you to show up in good spirits.

During my first marriage, my husband insisted I not complain about him to others. He didn’t want the gossip and held firm. To me, it seemed odd and seemingly controlling. I didn’t understand what he meant until I began to listen to other couples. And then I got it.

Other couples were in the habit of taking cheap shots at one another. Whether in good humor or not, the constant stream of attack was difficult to be around. In fact, it was mean.

Sex requires love, trust and vulnerability. Foolish complaining about your lover ruins intimacy.

If you’re in the habit of whining and complaining whether at work or at home, consider changing. The exciting opportunities you want cannot take on your complaints habit. Not if you want to get ahead and have what you want.

Decisions matter – how to avoid what happens when you stall

July 19, 2019

A beautiful woman is happy because her decisions matter and she's willing to take action

These days, we all have a lot to think about. Often, too much. There’s your health, your family, your career. You think about how to spend your weekends, where to socialize, and what to do on your vacation. So when you wait to make that decision, choose not to take action or stall out of fear and anxiety, you risk way more than you realize. Especially those big decisions you may be afraid to make. Here’s how to avoid what happens when you stall.

Decisions affect the quality of your life.

When you let time go by, you lose out on opportunity and chance. Even when you think it’s best to slow down and think about things.

When you ponder, wait, or mull things over, you sacrifice the energy these goals need. Life doesn’t wait for us to become comfortable with what’s required. Especially these days. Our lives need us to be competitive, responsive and pre-emptive rather than reactionary.

When you don’t take action and play it safe instead, you lose momentum.

Life moves forward every day whether you’re ready for it or not. The opportunities that come your way don’t always stick around waiting for you to feel good.

Decisions matter. Your health often requires preventative action. Your career needs you to make brave choices. While your relationships need you to step up, be authentic and noble.

Any of these scenarios may feel uncomfortable. They may be anxiety producing. You may want to hide instead of taking that bold step forward. But ultimately, your goals don’t care how you feel. Your goals need you – your focus, your energy, your drive, your time, your intelligence, your heart – not your fears.

Time waits for no man. And wrong decisions are reversible. In fact, I’d argue, there are no wrong decisions. Just bold moves.

To avoid what happens when you stall, you must make a decision and take action.

No matter how small the step. When you’re positioning yourself for a promotion or your company for expansion, there’s no time to waste. There are concrete steps that have to be taken. If you’re going to move your family to another state, school year commitments can delay a move for years until you’re ready to be bold. Take that chance. And if you’re interested in asking someone out, don’t wait. That person you’re attracted to is attractive to someone else as well.

The story of your life is yours to create.

You can’t wait for circumstances to come neatly wrapped and presented perfectly. Life is hardly perfect. And you’re made of stronger stuff than a life of waiting and hoping, stalling to make those decisions.