Life Lessons

Value Yourself – 6 Authentic Fundamentals To Get To Happy

March 28, 2019

When you matter and value yourself, you're happy like this group of people dancing.

Second-guessing your actions stinks. Ignoring your desires, the very needs of your soul creates trouble in the future. When you forget that you matter, chaos and crisis forms trauma. It gives you long-lasting healing to contend with. To value yourself means to consider that you matter. That you’re supposed to be here. That you have something to offer and that you have a right to be happy. Value yourself please. Here are 4 authentic fundamentals to get to happy.

1. You matter.

No matter what you’ve been brain-washed to believe, you’re here for a reason. You’re unique and there’s no one here who’s exactly like you. Even when you’re not up to happy. Who you are and what you bring is necessary to create, heal, help, contribute, and grow. It has more to do with the opportunity your life gives you than it has to do with how you feel about yourself. This is valid. You matter! And we need you.

2. The pressure to succeed is real. Still, value yourself.

Second-guessing what or why you’re here will slow you down. It will also stop that happy feeling. Deal with it. No matter what’s up, it’s time to take a good look in the mirror and consider what you have to offer others. No matter how comfy cozy you are, it’s time to move off the victim mentality. Or the opposite manic attempt to only feel good things. Your body, mind, and spirit are here for a reason. Confronting fears, conflict, and even future success will help you let go of the past and develop an appreciation, gratitude even, and certainly some pride. Doing so moves you toward happiness.

I see you. What are you going to do about that?

3. There are periods of crazy. Still, you matter.

Crazy and crisis happen to the best of us. Despite your best intentions, there are days you’ll feel lost and may even BE lost. You may even do things you’ll regret. Then surprise yourself and want to hide. Shame is what it is. This will not make you feel happy Welcome to being human! Humans make mistakes. You will not be perfect. Craziness happens.

When you remember that you’re part of the human race and not IG’s curated lifestyle club, you’ll realize that living life is about experiencing all of it. Not just the perfect, happy parts.

So having humility in the face of this kind of misunderstanding matters. Because when crises happen, and they will, you’ll need to pull upon an equal amount of grit and compassion to move onward. Life is to be experienced to be understood not the other way around.

4. If you matter then you’ll need to deal with conflict.

The number one reason most relationships end is because one or both people don’t know how to handle the to-be expected conflicts. Asking for what you need often feels embarrassing. So most people live out their relationships via assumptions instead of accelerating towards discomfort. None of this behavior feels good.

But we all make agreements and resolving competing desires begins with speaking up. Feeling safe, heard, and understood. Not letting assumptions run your life. This may feel uncomfortable but when people don’t speak up, that’s when long-term trauma usually occurs. Please learn to speak up so you stand a chance to have your needs met.

6. You have a right to have your needs met. And to be happy.

We live in a world filled with entitlement. However, you matter and your needs valid. We’re also allowed to communicate what we want and affirm healthy boundaries. That’s the culture we’re in. We expect to be happy.

But having your needs met means that you also have to respect and cherish others. Not take advantage of them. You’ll be happier not doing so! Compromise helps. Compassion’s required. In the end, living a curated life will not matter. But being happy is a value we can all agree on.

How To Be A Good Person – The Awesome Truth You Need.

March 14, 2019

Man wearing a red sweater knows how to be a good person and has his fists clenched, smiling with arms up.

I bet you think you know how to be a good person. Most of the time, I’m pretty sure you do your best to end the day with a sense of calm and a modicum of ease. I doubt you’re asking yourself, how to be good. So, if we’re good people, what makes us experience feelings of shame and guilt a lot of the time? These feelings usually don’t make us feel good or awesome! It’s time to get to the awesome truth about how to be a good person.

I think I know how to be a good person.

You see, when stuff happens, when we’re fighting with a friend or a spouse or our kids, neighbors, friends, etc… we lose track of how to be good. I know I do. We get caught up wanting others to redeem themselves. Hopefully, by experiencing a little bit of shame for what’s happened (especially when we think they’re in the wrong). When they feel shame, we tend to feel we know how to be good. We feel good about ourselves.

Think of a judge and jury who want a criminal to feel some sense of remorse.

On a personal level, we think remorse will help us feel less agitated. And it does. We depend on someone who’s hurt or betrayed us to help us feel good about ourselves by apologizing and feeling sorry for what occurred. They are in fact, helping us to know how to feel good again.

There’s something about the feeling of regret or at the very least a teeny bit of sorrow that goes a long way towards salvaging our faith in the judicial system or the relationship between lovers, your boss or even a friend and colleague. Remorse makes life easier when we’ve (or they’ve) messed up. Remorse helps us remember how to feel good. When we feel good, we believe we know how to be good.

It’s infuriating when we don’t get that.

We get irate, angry, self-righteous. We build cases against them every time we think about what did and did not happen because we feel justified and self-righteous even though we may not like to feel the anger. (Anger isn’t usually a feeling that we associate with being good people. It’s not awesome and hard to admit to feeling.)

I was taught to be nice. (I hate niceness.) Polite. To smile and walk away. But I fail those lessons a lot; I’m more of the “speak directly” kind of girl. I may or may not succeed at being kind but I’m usually a pretty straight talker and for me, that’s how I get to be a good person. Rather than a manipulative person. Or a liar or someone who’s nice on the surface and back-stabbing later.

I hate that.

You see, betrayal or lies cut to the core of who we are. We feel violated, used, taken for granted, victimized.

Our self-esteem hates being in the vicinity of victimization. So we build cases against others in service to our anger and self-righteousness. We build cases to feel good again. We have to feel good about ourselves so we can feel calm at the end of the day.

In other words, in the court of public opinion we make others “the bad guy” while all too often, in the quiet moments, we often wallow in self-pity, guilt, and shame. We second guess ourselves and over think what happened asking, ‘Why is this so hard to let go of… ? Am I really allowed to stand up for myself… ? Did that really just happen… ? What was my part in this… ?’

You have to speak straight to remember how to feel good. You speak straight to be a good person.

I say “yes!” to standing up for yourself! You have permission to walk away from rudeness, cruelty, and emotional manipulation. It’s time to stop being nice in the service of some idea of who you’re supposed to be and to speak up. ‘Cuz no one gets to treat any of us in a way that violates our sense of self… and when we let them, it’s tough to let go of the injustices. It becomes tough to feel like you’re a good person.

We’re not as mad at them as much as we’re mad at ourselves.

That’s why we get irate and angry and do our best to build cases against them. We have to in order to feel good about ourselves. It’s how we try to balance our feelings. And remember that we’re good people.

Instead all of these mental gymnastics and emotional pity parties, I think we need to place the anger we’re it’s appropriately needed. We’re allowed to become angry, to protect ourselves, to walk away and have clear boundaries when it’s necessary. We do this because it’s up to us to train other people on how to treat us.

How to be a good person? Niceness be damned…

Shame comes when we feel guilty. It’s a way of balancing out how we feel about ourselves; shame, on the one hand, guilt on the other. It helps us look in the mirror at night remembering we’re good people. But it never solves the real problem of being overly nice instead of speaking straight and taking care of ourselves.

And, in order to feel a sense of ease at night, speaking straight helps. Setting boundaries helps. Walking away from manipulative people is healthy. Teaching others how they’re allowed to treat you is paramount to feeling good about yourself. That’s the awesome truth about being a good person.

To be good means you have to be good to you first.

How to handle it when change is inevitable

March 7, 2019

Woman in grey hate laughing under January grey skies.

Change is omnipresent…

From the child who matures and goes off to college to retiring and moving. We all change.

Day in. Day out.

I’ve written a lot about change. Often, in the form of a divorce as that’s a concrete, heartbreaking experience for many. But change, shifting, committing to breaking a habit, moving forward, letting go of things… is with us all of the time.

So what makes change feel so awful? Scary. Overwhelming. Confronting?

These days I look around and see change in all parts of my life. I’m struck by the amazing success of my clients and letting them go… I anticipate the empty nest as my youngest heads off to college… I’m considering a possible move from a city I love… there are family members confronting serious health issues… then the omnipresent extra few pounds I always struggle to release.

Change.

And since I don’t mince words or shy away from ugly tears and negative feelings, I’ve been up against my own stuff around change. I’m wrestling with exactly what you’re up against. Especially during the quiet moments of life. Those “you and you” moments.

And I keep asking, “How do I want to look back on this period in my life?” This is the question I think about because it’s at the heart of the moment.

No matter what any of us are up against, we have to ask “Who will we be when we meet our future self?”

Because if change is inevitable, it’s always up to us to decide and manage how we’re going to confront those changes.

I find this fascinating! I believe we can all rise above the base fears and insecurities and choose a way of moving forward, however slowly if necessary, with grace. Maybe not always with ease but with grace. And fortitude.

Lately, I’ve been working on teaching the 6-second shift. I’m excited by the idea that we can take on more than we believe. That we do so whether we realize it or not, and that we can get through our days with more grace and fortitude than we may have thought before. It’s a lesson I keep sharing with my clients and students.

I share this with you as you go about living and changing. “Who do you want to be as you confront the things you and your family are up against?” Do you have the support to get through it with grace? Are you strong enough to handle what comes you way?

My bet is that you are. And if you’re not, I’ve so many ways to support you.

#LiveBetterNow

“Do As I Say, Not As I’ve Done” & Other Life Lessons That Make You Feel Like A Hypocrite To Your Kids

August 3, 2018

In the rush to put your life back together, there’s this moment when parents need to act-out… there’s unexpressed anger to vent, missed intimacy to be made up for, and hurt that has to come out. But, in the midst of all this is the very real role of parenting through divorce. And a lot of mistakes. The phrase, “Do as I say, not as I’ve done” brings up those choices from our past but also the present mistakes we make in separation and divorce. Other, preventable life lessons after divorce may make you feel like a hypocrite to your kids without the right context. Given that you’re their primary role model, it’s important to understand, accept and expect a lot of mistakes up ahead.

Parenting through divorce.

Parenting through divorce is really difficult. Parents typically worry about the effects of their divorce on their children. They worry that it’ll mess them up. Just to set the record straight – divorces don’t mess up children, the constant fighting, venting, prolonged court cases, and numerous lovers coming in and out of their lives does that dirty work.

You cannot mess up your child’s life by improving your own. You cannot mess up a child’s life by getting them out of dangerous or toxic environments. You mess up when you stop being their parent.

It’s also really tough to know how to take care of yourself while needing to care for your kids. It’s not easy to compartmentalize your anger or fear, to take on a lover and enjoy yourself or move and return to work without worrying about the effects on your family. But families are resilient when parenting is solid. During a divorce, most parents aren’t really very solid.

The post-divorce, post-trauma side of separation is a fragile time.

You will make a lot of mistakes post-divorce, post-trauma as you pull away from unhealthy or even toxic relationships. But like most life-lessons, separation and divorce give you the chance to start over. To do things differently and to model healthy lifestyle choices. “Do as I say, not as I’ve done” becomes a theme and parenting through divorce, you will want to scream your life lessons from the rooftops as you become aware of what happened, your part in the breakup, and the choices you made.

But children, especially young ones, model in silence. They won’t grasp the words, the venting, the anger. They’ll watch you. Kids feel the tension at home. They will mirror your stress levels. (And you really need to expect them to do so.) When you prepare for it and know how to calm yourself and your kids down, life will become easier. (And your children will stop avoiding spending time with you.)

Being a parent post-divorce, post-trauma.

I admire parents who leave unhealthy, toxic or difficult relationships. I commend them for showing their children that life doesn’t have to be so difficult or cruel. But saying that, I also know there’s a lot of backlash and being a parent in divorce brings with it, guilt, regrets, fears, and worries. Of course, it does!

Children will push and punish any parent breaking up the family home. Kids can be mean and most parents struggle with balancing their love with being defensive. Teenagers are great at playing games but so are young kids who quickly learn to test which parent will buy them the things they want in exchange for their seemingly finite amount of love.

None of this is true of course, kids usually stick around even after possibly taking a break from a parent. But the cycle of co-dependence and fear is difficult to grasp in the midst of the backlash.

Instead of succumbing to your child’s nonstop demands, it’s best to model tolerance and compassion…

“Do as I say, not as I’ve done” reflects everything you’ve ever done as a parent, not just your parenting through divorce.

Not just a separated or divorced parent. Not just the parent who needs to go on a date, fall in love, have some sex. Your parenting is going to come into focus as you learn more about your own actions and behavior before, during, and after your separation. Everything will be looked at – either by you, individually or by the courts and your children’s other parent.

This is where compassion comes in. You’ve made some mistakes – even a lot of mistakes! While you recreate your life post-divorce, you get to evaluate and own your life lessons.

Life lessons after divorce.

Snore. You’re not interested in learning anything more. You want sex, love, physical touch. It’s easier to blame than to look in the mirror. And way easier to vent, commiserate, and complain. I know. No one said this was going to be easy. You just thought a separate life would be easier than what you’ve been living through during an unhappy marriage.

The exciting thing is that once you grasp the context… that your life is, can, really change for the better… it all gets easier to handle. You can cut yourself some slack. Have some compassion for your own fears, your children’s behavior, the situation at hand. Change is never easy for the human animal. Separation and divorce bring loads of change.

“Do as I say, not as I’ve done.”

When you begin to model this sort of resilience, take it on and own it, your children witness a strong role model. By teaching them that tough times can be dealt with, they learn they too can handle what life lessons will come their way. Instead of being the out of control, angry, horny parent they don’t recognize, you get to show them how to rise above difficulties.

Your mistakes will come up. Expect your kids to challenge what you’re doing now and how they recall the past. This isn’t to say you’re completely at fault, it also doesn’t give you permission to become defensive. Your children have had a front row seat to your parenting before, during, and after divorce. They’ve been watching. They’ve also been at the effects of your choices and mistakes.

I find these moments humbling (and upsetting). These are the times when I wish I had had a manual, a role model or a mentor for how to do this more gracefully. Generously. I now know that if we don’t do our healing work, we leave that pain to our children to handle. Which isn’t just unfair, it sets up the next generation to mirror, repeat, and go through what we’ve gone through in relationship. Not doing our work means, we’ve become the biggest hypocrite to our kids.

Parenting through divorce means owning all of it.

To get through a divorce well – to find new love, healthy relationships, fun sex, meaningful work or a lifestyle you can thrive in, means doing the healing work. Divorce doesn’t happen between two healthy people. The biggest life lesson after divorce is that you were part of that dynamic. It wasn’t always their fault. Owning that, understanding and having compassion for the person you once were helps your kids see that they too will make mistakes. The hypocrisy goes away when you heal. And grow. Shift, change, own it all. It becomes rather freeing.

Separation and divorce sets you up for a better life. Whether you wanted the divorce or not. It’s always up to you but rising above the anger, the hurt, the need to punish, helps your kids adjust to the changes in their life. It helps them learn to trust you again. And it gives them a chance to come back when you were the one who made the mistakes. (No longer the hypocrite you once feared being.)

If you’re stuck doing this sort of growth on your own, it’s time to look into doingDivorce™ School. My online, group class was created to help those going through breakups do so with perspective, understanding, and compassion for the experience and what they’re going through. Joining a community, a new tribe of like-minded people, helps students overcome the shame, fear, and to create a better future in a supportive community.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit laurabonarrigo.com.

The 5 Things You Yearn For Most During Your Separation Or Divorce And Ways to Get Over Missing Them

July 17, 2018

It doesn’t really matter who wants to end a partnership. Endings are hard. We feel the effects of backing down, getting out, and leaving our commitments whether it be to an organization like a company or employer or a family unit. We do not like change. Change brings with it a lot of feelings – feelings that catch many of us off-guard. We miss our kids, our friends, our routines, the lifestyle. One of the hardest parts about separation and divorce is accepting all the changes and feeling the emptiness that separation brings with it. I know you’re yearning for the things you miss. Here are the 5 things you yearn for most during your separation or divorce and ways to get over missing them.

Things you yearn for most: missing your children

You may have been the most absent parent around but when it comes to being forcibly separated from your children, you’ll find the emptiness really difficult. Your children are a part of you and I’ve yet to meet a parent going through separation or divorce who has an easy time letting go. Our need here is primal, not personal!

Too often we beat ourselves up during divorce wondering why or how we could have let these important relationships wane over the years. I find these thoughts impossible questions to answer with comfort. Instead, I recommend feeling your feelings without the need to make them more than they are.

In other words, just miss your kids.

Feel the feelings that go along with the yearning for someone. Understand what it feels like to take the first step and rebuild your relationships with your children. On your own without their other parent in your lives. Do your best to show up for your kids when you’re with them without making things worse by asking them about their other parent. Stay on your side of the street without needing to compare lifestyles.

You will long for seeing them and then, over time, you’ll become as comfortable as they will with the new routine. Life will settle down. It’s up to you how long this process takes and what you’ll do with your children when you have them. It’s best to focus on those thoughts and find the answers you can live with.

Things you yearn for most: longing for your old lifestyle

The routines, friendships, status, and material items you once took for granted will loom large in your memory as you step out on your own. In fact, too many people remain married in unhappy relationships precisely because of material needs and benefits. I don’t blame them! It’s way easier to stick to your corner of a mansion or have an affair than willingly walk away from an easy life.

So when lifestyle changes happen whether you were the one who asked to leave or you were forced out, the struggle will have you pining for your old ways. It’s not easy. This is where comparing your new lifestyle with theirs seeps in all the time.

First-hand experience

My lifestyle dramatically changed once my children’s father and I divorced. I recreated my profession, moved uptown, and had to return to school. My kids and I felt the transition. The vacations and clothes shopping shifted from high-end stores and resorts to online sales and visits to family. These kinds of changes may or may not build character. Regardless, they’re felt physically and emotionally.

With lifestyle changes, the routines you once kept, the friends you once had typically go away. It’s not easy to show up at the same country club charitable dances with a new lover on your arm. You shouldn’t expect to be greeted kindly while your ex is there socializing with your old friends. Do that once and chances are, you won’t be eager to do so again.

Ways to get over missing them: new friendships

Instead, look for new friendships and events that will help you redefine who you are today. We cannot go back. My coach says, “yesterday is as over as WWII”. It’s much easier to strike out on your own and find new people to socialize with, new events to go to, and to create new holiday memories than it is to try to keep up the old ways. New people bring with them new conversations and experiences. It’s going to feel odd but by doing so, you create something wholly your own.

Today, my children and I share holiday and vacation memories that are uniquely ours. I have an entirely new group of colleagues and friends that I adore (and wouldn’t trade for the world). And my lifestyle is getting closer to where I like it to be. I may or may not have more character, but what I do have is the ability to walk through my home with my head held high. And that lifestyle choice is priceless.

Things you yearn for most: feeling safe and protected

On a primal level, we all need to feel wanted, safe and protected. It’s a feeling that comes with our DNA genetic coding. It’s the experience of nurturing our kin and keeping our families, communities, and countries (our tribe) together. All of us have this in us.

So when you’re family or your relationship ends, you most likely will have moments of intense sadness and feelings of being cast aside. You will probably ache for safety and protection, long for someone to hold you at night (and may start sleeping around just to get physical touch). You will think there’s something wrong with you when that’s the furthest thing from the truth.

Feeling safe and protected is also rational.

We create safety and protection by choosing a good place to live. We know how to select healthy people as friends, and to abide by community standards and state laws. Safety is something we create for ourselves moment by moment. The need to stay safe is also in our genetic makeup.

As you go about recreating your routines, stay tuned to the intuitive hits and gut feelings about where to live, the kind of furniture and even the bed you buy for your new home; pay attention to the things your new group of friends does to entertain themselves and don’t be afraid to move on if they’re doing things that threaten your sense of security. The failure to protect yourself and your kids as you recreate your life aren’t left to chance. You’re the one who has to put a sense of safety front and center.

You know what you need. Trust your gut and make sure your new life has a foundation that you can build on.

Things you yearn for most: missing sex

Yep, you’re going to miss the ease with which your relationship afforded sex (when it did). You will have less sex with a committed partner at first unless you jump into another relationship right away. No one (except your ex and your kids) would blame you if you did!

I’m a big believer in having intimate relationships. For men, intimacy gives them a chance to feel loved and wanted. For women, it provides safety and security never mind a good time. So I’m not advising you to stay home and sulk. However, saying that, most of the time, during separation and divorce, those first relationships do not last and simply create more heartache. They’re usually filled with angst, guilt, frustration because they are not what you’re used to. And they usually cause a lot of drama with your family and friends as you’re all getting used to all the changes.

Ways to get over missing sleeping around

Some people wrongly think that sleeping around or experimenting with new ways of doing it are the answer to the loneliness and their primal needs. Life becomes quite titillating for awhile. There are secrecy and a big turn on factor. Again, perfectly fine as long as you realize the multiple partners and experimenting are a distraction from the pain you don’t want to feel.

When the novelty wears off, usually, you’ll settle into your new lifestyle omitting the group sex and multiple partners for something more familiar and long-lasting. It’s then that you’ve got a chance for your sex life to normalize and improve. You’ll know how to maintain romance because chances are it dwindled during your marriage, and you’ll be grateful for the person in your arms – all recipes for a satisfying and long love life.

Don’t worry about missing sex. You’ll find your way back to it if you want it!

Ways to get over missing feeling loved and wanted

Usually, women won’t have sex without feeling loved and wanted. Many women don’t sleep around. Many won’t, it’s completely off their radar in terms of healthy relationships. Feeling loved and wanted is underneath most men’s craving for sex as well. We are only human after all.

We yearn for feeling loved and wanted. It’s all over us. We all long to greet a new lover. (When we find one.) This is natural, normal and definitely missing when you first separate and divorce. Sometimes it may take years of healing to allow someone new into your heart.

I see this over and over again with my clients and students as they struggle to find ways to get over missing feeling loved and wanted. I myself had to take a long break from dating before I could trust myself to let someone safe in. Decide what works for you. But don’t think for one moment that you’ll get used to being single. You will but there’ll always be a tinge of wanting love in your being.

When you do decide to let someone in, you risk all the things you’re afraid of. Vulnerability will be present. You’ll worry that they may hurt you, especially if violence has been a part of your past. Be tuned to your intuition and wisdom. Pay attention to your kids’ safety, your own heart. And yet, know that the feelings of love, safety, and protection are primal. There’s no escaping these very basic human needs.

Sex and intimacy feel good. That doesn’t mean you won’t hold all your concerns as equally valid. Both are valid and true. It just means you’re wiser and more experienced, ready to trust yourself and move on after your separation or divorce to the things you yearn for and are allowed to have.

Things you yearn for most: a great life.

It’s your responsibility to decide what you want and to go out and get it. So, I invite you to discover my divorce school. I teach a select group of people how to safely go through their separation and divorce so that they don’t repeat the patterns and mistakes of their past. This curriculum-based program is for those who want to understand this modern-day rite of passage.