Heartache

You’re Not Alone. Coping With Depression Due To Divorce Is Incredibly Common

May 17, 2018

Coping with depression due to divorce is incredibly common. The acute phase of a divorce means an acute experience filled with high-intensity emotions. The energy it takes to walk out of a relationship usually isn’t accompanied by a simple handshake. Even when it is, the emotions that follow tend to get ramped up. Which is why it can be confusing when the heart and mind begin to balance and a sense of feeling depressed comes over you. You’re not alone. Whether you were the one who wanted out or were the one who was left, loss and trauma are real and intense. Anger balances depression. Excitement balances feelings of loss and sadness. If you’re coping with depression due to divorce, here are a few ways to help.

Coping with depression due to divorce

The Mayo Clinic says, “Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn’t worth living.”

Anyone going through a divorce is experiencing some if not all of these “mood disorders”! One of the major reasons why depression occurs (not including age, changes in hormones, inherited traits, and general brain chemistry) is ‘trauma or stressful events, low self-esteem, loss of a loved one, a difficult relationship or financial problems.’

You are in good company!

Shame causes people to pull-in and isolate themselves. This contributes to the sense of being unworthy of friendship or being loved. It causes us to second guess ourselves and to be self-critical. The cycle feeds upon itself and the more you feel bad about yourself – what you did or didn’t do (what you could or couldn’t do!) – the more you want to pull-in and hide.

When you’re coping with depression due to divorce, it’s difficult to reach out for help.

Most people are willing to see a therapist. Therapists are great because they’re trained to help you understand what you’re going through, how you’re feeling and can help you come up with ways to shift your mood. They truly help define the kind of relationship you had in the past so you can make some room amidst the self-criticism to understand what you were up against.

I found my therapist truly helpful after my divorce. My sessions gave me a place to vent, talk-through, and grasp what had been going on during my marriage. But then, at a certain point, it was up to me to move my life forward.

Self-disclosure, I am prone to depression. Not to the extent that I want to end my life, but enough to know how it feels to want to stay in bed all day or to overeat or to cry a lot. I think I have a genetic propensity towards depression. So over the years, I’ve had to learn a lot of coping skills to deal with who I am…. my brain chemistry and genetic makeup.

I have found that what the experts suggest really helps me cope with my low-grade depression.

daily exercise
being outdoors
eating well
avoiding things like alcohol or drugs
having good social connections
finding meaningful work
understanding my purpose for being here

When coping with depression due to divorce, there are a few things to keep in mind.

Know where you are on the scale.

If you’re unable to get out of bed some days (especially the days when your kids are with their other parent) understand this is pretty normal. But if you’re unable to get out of bed and feed your kids or go to work, please reach out to a professional and get yourself some help.

If you’re overeating or maybe under eating, know that both those practices are pretty normal when coping with depression after divorce. But if these practices continue for weeks or months, even years on end, please reach out for some help. Your health and stamina will be seriously impacted. No one is worth hurting yourself over!

If you’re using or drinking too much, and you’ve had a history of coping with trauma with drugs or alcohol, you don’t need me to suggest you stop. There are millions of people who use to avoid feelings afraid of what those feelings mean about them. So get some help with these practices too.

If you’re crying a lot or angry with everyone, you may want to speak with a therapist or a coach because that anger or those tears may be hormonally related (which would make sense) but could also be a sign of self-esteem issues. However, being angry or crying a lot after a traumatic loss makes sense! Those feelings are normal! But, when they interfere with your work or your familial relationships, you’ll probably want to get some support and perspective on your divorce.

There will be times during your divorce when you may feel life isn’t worth living. Those are the super dark moments most of us go through. (If you didn’t go through them while married and filled with disappointment and fear.) But if you’re suicidal, then for sure a therapist or MD is needed – again, I do not believe for one minute that any human being is worth hurting oneself over even though I understand the pain of a big loss!

You’re not alone. Coping with depression after divorce is incredibly common and surrounding yourself with support is part of that solution.

I started my doingDivorce™ classes precisely because of how isolated and alone I felt during my divorces. When I was a child, we were the only family in my community who were divorced. My sister and I were pulled from our private school. My outside classes were stopped, my mom was kicked out of the Catholic church. We stopped having Sunday dinners with my dad’s extended family. It was a very isolating time.

As a young adult going through my first divorce, I had the luxury of age on my side even though when I was dating, I stood out like a sore thumb having gone through a divorce so young. Those days were more hopeful but equally difficult. There were many dark days. However, fortunately, I didn’t have to carry the additional burden of not becoming a parent at that time.

People without the kids they wanted, have loss compounded by the losing their marriage and not becoming a parent. The grieving is hard and acceptance seemingly elusive. Coping with depression due to divorce without having had the family you wanted is particularly difficult to handle. Be sure to find some support for this sort of pain.

As a parent going through a divorce, one would think I had it all. My children have their father in their lives, he takes care of them, pays his maintenance, and stays out of my life. But the cost was five years of litigation and a trial, loads of money, no relationship with his family, the loss of friends from the social circle we once shared, and a significant cut in lifestyle.

The loss of my friends and family were particularly difficult to deal with initially. I had to overcome my ego and reach out and meet new people. Whether I wanted to or not, I had to put myself into uncomfortable situations and risk being seen in order to have a new group of people I could lean on for support and friendship.

At times the shame and stigma of coping with depression due to divorce are very debilitating yet, I have found we’re the only ones who are truly in our own way.

It feels almost impossible to risk being seen when we feel down. We’re afraid of being ostracized and criticized (for good reason). Sometimes it seems easier to stay hidden in our homes than it is to reach out and get the help we need. We forget we can feel better about ourselves. Risking being seen as imperfect isn’t more difficult than pouring a glass of wine, but it does require courage.

I encourage you to find a mentor, a coach, a therapist or a group you can join that will help you move away from your pain toward a better future. You’re worthy of being happy (no matter what may or may not have happened in your family). Try to stay away from people who continue to stir the pot and have you feel bad about yourself. Do your best to get a big perspective on where you are.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

7 Tips For Coping With A Divorce You Don’t Want

April 17, 2018

The break down of a family is hard enough when we agree to a divorce, but coping with a divorce you never wanted is particularly difficult.

It’s really difficult to grasp, to catalog the details so as to know how it’s happened, why it’s happened; what happened; even when we know the details Heartache and pain have few boundaries – no matter what, going from being married to being single again is not easy even if you’re the one who wanted the separation to begin with.

Coping with a divorce means knowing it’s time to end something that hasn’t been working for a while.

It seems trite to say that “life isn’t fair” – that simply doesn’t cover the expanse of loss people experience. We know that life isn’t fair, we also know that the pain of divorce is harder to cope with than platitudes. Here are 3 tips to help you cope with a divorce you don’t want in a way that puts it all into perspective.

The bad news is, you don’t get to escape the feelings. I know you’d like to. I know you want to sit in a bar, start smoking again, chase women. I know you’d rather stay home on the couch and watch the Hallmark channel. I, for one, have done my own version of chasing a feeling to avoid the deep pain and loss. It’s never easy to deal with being smacked with emotions when you’re already down!

The good news is, you’ll get through coping with a divorce you don’t want. You’ll be able to create a future you’ll call your own. Surround yourself with support and you’ll find a way out. No matter how painful things are now. You must keep this in mind!

Tip #1: No matter how painful today feels, tomorrow can be better when you surround yourself with support.

Throughout the process, you’ll be surrounded by people who mean well but who won’t be able to grasp the depth of your pain or offer ways to cope with the divorce you didn’t want.

Oftentimes, these well-meaning friends or colleagues will encourage you to do things you know deep down aren’t the best options for you to do.

They may be super fun at the moment and totally distract you from the things you’d rather forget (ie: gathering your financial documents for your attorney). But in the long-run, unless your life is running at peak performance, most of us can’t escape the pain and pressure of separating for too long.

In all honesty, I love South Beach – I have fond memories of playing in Miami during my separation. I experienced some of the best days there. They were a complete distraction from the pain and loss. They also totally destroyed me when those fun days ended and I had to get back to the reality of recreating my life.

No one knows what you’re personally up against when you’re separating. Remembering that you, and you alone, are responsible for your decisions goes a really long way toward helping you cope with the experience, no matter how painful it may be.

Tip #2: You can’t chase a feeling forever!

Stay away from those who put up with being angry, hurt, depressed, and on it after their divorces. (News flash: they’re in a lot of pain.) Surround yourself with those who are moving on in a positive direction. It pains me to see people stuck in Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™. My heart breaks for people unable to make the courage, to get up and out of their own way. I get it. I know it’s difficult but, you can move in the right direction and heal from your divorce, even if you didn’t want it to begin with.

Tip #3: Surround yourself with positive and uplifting people even when you’re not as happy about life as they are.

We all need a dose of sunshine on a daily basis. Sometimes we think we can handle being blue. The problem is that during a divorce, there’s a lot of blue feelings… you’ll want to pace yourself: have some time during the day or during a week to process the feelings, then you’ve got to turn around and get moving.

Many times people freeze instead of moving forward because they’re afraid of making another mistake. One mistake that’ll cost you is avoiding dealing with your divorce. Including processing the feelings.

The worst mistake of all, not healing enough to see that you’re looking for familiar comfort meaning, you pick a lover who’s exactly like the person you just left.

When you first separate, you’ll most likely gravitate towards those who feel familiar. Over time, you’ll most likely realize these new people are exactly like those you just left. (Which is why the divorce rate goes up not down, for those who’ve been married in the past.)

I hate that statistic (but it’s true). I hate that I went through 2 divorces as an adult. I can get down on myself about not understanding what it took to heal from my separation and heartache. But knowing what I now know, to cope with a divorce you don’t want, we all have to do things differently.

Those who’ve been divorced in the past but who are now engaged in deliberately understanding the experience are good to be around. No one leaves a marriage, chooses a new mate and deliberately tries to hurt themselves or their families again, but because we don’t go to divorce school, it happens all too often.

Tip #4: You’ve got to understand this modern-day rite of passage.

There’s no escaping the lesson. We like to think we’ve got it – we want to blame the breakdown on the partner who wanted out. So, moving forward, we imagine picking someone who has the same values as we do. Someone who takes care of themselves, who won’t nitpick, who’ll accept all of the things we do. Which means we’ve got this all figured out. Because in reality, the healing isn’t about the new partner… healing is an inside job.

That partner has nothing to do with how you’re coping with your divorce or with the rest of your life.

I meet a lot of divorced people. Some are happy with their lives, some are even happily married. Many are not. Many cringe when I ask about new relationships. There’s often embarrassment. They admit to being lonely and unsure of what the future brings.

There are those who have moved on only to find themselves still stuck in reliving the past. And there are those who unknowingly pretend their divorce didn’t affect them.

How you handle stress and change will be a big indicator of how you’ll manage the onslaught of changes divorce brings with it. But everyone has a few scars. I have yet to meet anyone who’s been married and divorced, even divorced and married again who doesn’t.

Tip #5: We’re not immune to the pain of separation and heartache.

Going through your separation, you may struggle to find a way to punish your ex. After all, they’re the ones who wanted out! But unfortunately, trying to enact judgment (bad-mouthing the other parent to your kids, gossiping, whining, carrying-on at parent-teacher meetings, demanding huge amounts of money) doesn’t help anyone. Especially you.

One of the most difficult lessons to grasp is that you don’t get to punish someone who wants to leave you. No matter why or for what reason.

Tip #6: You don’t get to play God.

It took a few false steps forward for A. It was tough to learn she wasn’t allowed to always punish and demand. She would take a step forward and be hit with another, tough blow. First from the attorney, then the courts, then the parenting coordinator. Each step forward was an attempt to punish her ex for leaving her and their kids. However, after many months of heartache, she began to release her grip on trying to keep things the way they once were.

It’s not easy to let go and learn to accept a separation and divorce when you didn’t want it. You will have to learn how to cope with this rite of passage. And no one likes change!

The best way to manage the seemingly never-ending roller coaster of emotions is to learn how to respect them. You may find yourself upset one moment but not the next. You will learn when you’ve experienced enough indulging and when it’s time to move on with your day.

There is no straight-line through this. More like twists and turns, backward and forwards, ups and downs. Having a support structure is key. Understanding how to cope with the loss paramount.

At a certain point, you’ll be ready to move on and begin to imagine having a new love. It may not feel easier, but when you learn the art of coping with a divorce you don’t want, many things in life begin to fall into place. Your resilience becomes stronger, your faith in others, your trust in yourself. At a certain point, you get to look in the mirror and declare to no one in particular (other than yourself…)

Tip #7: You’ve got this!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to cope with the loss of your marriage, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com.

Does The Thought Of Your Ex Fill You With Rage? 9 Empowering Ways To Deal With Anger & Move On

February 27, 2018

I’m a big fan of anger. I like how it feels as it moves through my body. There’s that adrenaline rush, the momentum, the feelings of power and invincibility. I like all I’m able to accomplish when my anger is focused and directed toward a greater good. But I also know the toll it takes on me. How coming off anger or in this case, rage occurred only when I was good and ready. It was much harder than I like to admit. Does the thought of your ex fill you with rage? Here are 9 empowering ways to deal with anger and move on.

The feelings of anger and rage.

When I experienced this sort of intensity toward the man I once called my best friend and lover, it was an upsetting and confusing time. Here I was, caught up in something I loved feeling while being made useless by the after-effects of the high. Does the thought of your ex fill you with rage? I’ve got your back!

Perspective: here are 9 empowering ways to deal with anger and move on.

Coping with divorce is difficult enough without the heightened betrayal, broken promises, forgotten agreements and unspoken expectations. I hold myself to a high standard, I show up in integrity so when I find myself at the effects of others’ stuff in any part of my life, I have little room for frustration and can easily lose it.

Remembering that every partnership requires spoken and unspoken agreements applies to marriages and being lovers. When trust is broken and you can no longer believe the person you once called yours, a suitable reaction is to become defensive and angry.

(News Flash: I’d like to remind you at this point in our discussion, that two people in agreement and willing to maintain their trust rarely, if ever, end things…)

So don’t expect that you’re going to be able to easily handle unexpected news during discovery or trial. When you see your lost dreams spelled out in black and white, you’re probably not going to remain serene, graceful, and generous. When you have the expectation that being pissed off and in full-blown rage is appropriate, it’ll be a lot easier for you to handle. Every fiber of your being is going to become activated to protect and defend your place in the world.

Childhood lessons: feeling your feelings.

You’ve got to feel the feelings. If you’re one of those people who was taught that experiencing anger was a bad thing, you’re going to have a tough time dealing with the intensity of the rage as you try to figure out how to get over your breakup. You’ll find yourself judging your ex, your family, God, your career, the town you live in and the choices you’ve made. The anger is going to get misplaced: into your eating or drinking habits, the way you spend money, the way you pull in and try to hide your imperfect self from your friends. There’s nothing worse than being raised with some foolish idea that anger is a bad thing.

Anger:

This feeling has created the biggest and the best. It’s won wars. Anger has pushed people out of their comfort zones. Made heroes out of men. Saved lives, rescued animals, protected the environment and unfortunately, hurt some at the same time.

You need to get to know your anger. Become friends with it. Learn to channel that rage to help you solve your problems. Want to know the details of her affair? Use your anger. Need to understand where all the money went? Anger will propel you to hire a Private Eye. Need to understand how long the drugs have been part of your marriage? Anger’s a great place to start an intervention. What about all the lies, cheating, stealing… you won’t get anywhere if you sit still and pretend you can handle the news.

Anger will propel you into action and give you permission to make courage.

But if you don’t learn how to channel it, it’ll also hurt you. Remember when you were a child and you were told (hopefully) that you could feel your feelings but not harm yourself, another person, animals or property? In other words, you could cry, scream, yell, run out in a field, get on a bicycle and ride, go to a gym, run on that treadmill, play your music loud, do sports, and basically get the energy out any which way you needed to without hurting anyone or anything?

That’s what anger allows you to do – you use it to get into action and to solve your problems!

Healing from your anger:

If you didn’t get that lesson and anger is supposed to be shoved down with food or alcohol, drugs and cigarettes then you’ve been set up for illness, disease, unhappiness, and some bad self-care habits.

Perhaps rage was a no-no and you were told never to raise your voice or step up to defend yourself against an unjust accusation, then the thought of your ex is going to be tough to deal with. It’ll haunt you as you try to move forward with your separation.

Get to know what it feels like to channel this energy:

You are so much stronger and more capable than you think! I give you permission to channel your thoughts and energy into solving your problems.

Take that fuel and use it to figure out how to get a job, start a new career, master the tech gremlins and put your pictures online or learn to live within a budget so that you’re no longer in debt or beholden to another’s fickle feelings.

When you think about your ex, plan on experiencing a variety of feelings including rage. You have to expect it’s going to go on like this for awhile. There’s blame you’re going to want to place on them. Blame, you’re going to have to take on for yourself too. Divorce doesn’t happen between two healthy people equipped with excellent communication skills and top-notch intimacy.

Divorce is inherently a betrayal problem and betrayals cause us to defend our turf.

The problems come when you’ve forgotten what it’s like to create a new life, wake up with excitement (and fear) and still get going. You’ve found yourself on the other side of negotiation and still are upset? Be wary of Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™ it’ll keep you stuck in anger for many, many years if you let it.

Control:

If you’re still in a rage over what happened, then it’s time to just stop and get still. Consider how much control you’ve ever really had. I suspect not much. Wonder how much you can control your children, never mind time, aging, the judicial system, and the law? Probably slim to none now. And how much time have you put into trying to? I mean, I can barely control my hair on any given day never mind what my kids do in school or what my ex was doing while we were married. How the heck can I expect myself to handle my future without taking a break from the overwhelming and self-righteous anger? So I did.

It’s your choice:

I chose to get over my rage because there came a time when I was sick and tired of being angry. I couldn’t handle the rush any longer. The over-stimulation. The fists clenched, and the TMJ at night. I didn’t recognize the person I had to become to negotiate my settlement, figure out how to run my home, live in NYC with two kids on my own, and create a new career halfway through my life after not working for quite some time.

It was the fuel of anger that carved out this new me.

But it also began to take its toll. I knew if I didn’t stop these feelings, that I was going to prematurely age. Something had to give and I was the only one who could make that happen. The day got better because I stopped waking up dreading it. I didn’t like how I was meeting my kids with exhaustion and fear, I didn’t like that every day felt like the one before, and I couldn’t imagine going on day after day with this same sort of dread and frustration.

What I did:

I decided to take a leap of faith and let go of trying to control everything and everyone. So, I immersed myself in the community. Took a risk to trust others again.
A decision: I was going to stop pushing myself and see what happened.
I was going to give the ex, the benefit of the doubt knowing that if push came to shove, it would fall in my lap anyway.
Chose to be pleasant. Not because anyone was deserving, but because I liked myself that way better.
I decided that if I was going to be in NYC, I had better start exploring it again.
No one is perfect. I figured that if I was going to have a future relationship with my kids, I’d better stop expecting them to show up perfect too.

It’s better for me and my life experience to have faith and to trust – to regain the very things broken by my heartache and loss.

I didn’t decide to have faith and trust because all of sudden what happened didn’t matter, I decided to take the risk because the alternative became unbearable. I will never forget. But I no longer need to define myself by that experience.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

Worried Your Ex Will Haunt You For The Rest Of Your Life? Here are 7 Ways To Fix That Problem

February 16, 2018

I passed a big milestone this week. I’ve been waiting for it to come and go, to feel the shift, to appreciate the delicate breakdown of my past. I’m so grateful it’s behind me and life can continue moving in the direction I create. It’s a disturbing feeling to be haunted by an ex. Your mind is hijacked by uncontrollable emotions. Yet all the while, you want to forget about someone you once loved. Worried your ex will haunt you? (For the rest of your life?) Here are 7 ways to fix the problem and to stop thinking about the past.

Worried your ex will haunt you? (For the rest of your life?)

Warning: I do not prescribe getting a lobotomy or numbing out with prescription or recreational drugs and alcohol even though the thoughts definitely crossed my mind many times!

Going through my past breakups, I didn’t let the trauma of ruined love hurt the sweetness I shared. But, I admit, I’ve been easily haunted (for a very long time) by certain memories. Without meaning to, I’ve fallen prey to lots of nostalgia and loneliness. So when you tell me that you wish you could just forget about them or you want to get to peace and acceptance, I get it!

Here are the best ways to fix the problem:

This is where the adage of time as a healer comes in, Especially when it comes to thinking about an ex-lover. I like that time does heal all wounds. I’m grateful that as time passed and the months and then years went by, I’ve thought less and less about the “one who got away” or the “one who hurt me the most”.

I’m a big fan of scheduling mourning – when I deliberately set aside time during the week or during the day to remember my past. Doing so allows me to shed a few tears and then shift to focus on the day at hand.

I have patience with being human and a big tolerance for the tears when they come. I’m able to recall choice moments of affection and the hope we once shared. Then I wrap it up with a good cry and let it go. I understand that I’ve been marked by a lover or two and that they hurt me on a soul level. Sometimes I wonder, who hasn’t been? I may not like it, but I get it.

Each memory etched another piece of me. I can’t reverse any of that nor can I fight with it. So I’ve decided that making peace with who I was and what I got myself into helps immensely.

I’ve developed compassion for anger and no longer look for retribution. I’m grateful I’m over wanting to play God or enact punishment. But it wasn’t easy! My role isn’t to harm another. Even when it’s tough, I no longer want to keep tabs or listen for their downfall the way my imagination so badly wanted to for way too long.

Gratitude:

I’m grateful I’ve let go of needing to know. Because in my heart of hearts (and I’m open to being wrong) I know they’ll suffer too one day. Whether or not they’re suffering and hurting now. I know because I know what they’re capable of and I remember who they are.

Being haunted by them lasted for years. As an “expert” I wish I could say you won’t be haunted or that “getting under another lover” will help you forget about the “one who got away”. Unfortunately, you will be haunted for quite some time. And unfortunately, another love simply prolongs the inevitable mourning period. It’s just the way things are.

I passed a big milestone this week.

But the passage of time matters on many levels – the milestone I passed this week celebrated the 7-years since I was last with him. Our body turns over all of its 75 + trillion cells every 7-years. I like to think of those cells equal in number to the stars in our galaxy. I no longer have a cell within me that slept with him. That is a freeing feeling!

Now when I have a memory, I do so with distance, objectivity, and wisdom. I’m no longer beholden to my hurt self-esteem, low self-worth or a broken heart. But it took some time and I needed to come face to face with that old pattern of falling for men who didn’t treat me well. I needed to heal that part of me and to make genuine love possible.

Appreciate the delicate breakdown of your past.

As you read through this personal story, I hope you feel hopeful. Your life will evolve and change. Your story gets to unfold as long as you want it to. Whether you realize it or not, you always have the possibility of letting go and finding new love. And you get to decide how much mourning you need to do.

In order to fix the problem of haunting ex’s, you also have to create courage and be willing to let go. If it doesn’t happen overnight, you’re going to have to be willing to take back your self-confidence over and over and over again. Just to be clear, I still think of him! But, I no longer let those thoughts affect me. It’s become more important over time, and as I regained my equilibrium, I’m the one to decide what makes me worthwhile and lovable – not someone else.

Being haunted by an ex is a disturbing feeling.

We know we’re supposed to be the ones to manage our thoughts. We all know we’re worthwhile and can handle when a man or woman leaves us. But in the moment of being haunted, nostalgic, lonely, and sad it’s easy to forget what we’re supposed to remember.

My advice is to get clear about what you’re up really against:

the passage of time: 7-years to change all your cells… yep, that’s a bit of time
the need for courage… to overcome the need to reach out, be afflicted by sentimentality, and nostalgia
patience… with just how tough it can be some days
compassion… for being human and having a memory
scheduled mourning time… when you’re allowed to cry and weep and definitely feel sorry for yourself
time… one day you’ll remember the story without the sadness or anger
hope… for finding someone who wants to be with you for the long-run.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to have a better divorce, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

Still Dreaming About Your Ex? Here Are 3 Ways To Purge Them Out Of Your Life

February 8, 2018

Humans do their best when they’re in a relationship. Unfortunately, the only way to be in a relationship, whether with your lover, your children, your employee, a friend means you’re going to have to show up as you really are way more often than you’d like. You’re going to have to be messy, imperfect, moody even, and vulnerable. Still dreaming about your ex? Do you desperately want your divorce to be done with or are you ready to move on to peace and acceptance? Are you still thinking about them, dreaming about them or wanting sex with them? Here are 3 ways to help you purge them out of your life. It’s time to get grounded in some things about being human.

Acceptance of who you are and how you’re made.

Too often we think we can be Superman and override our innate wiring! No, you can’t fly and no, you can’t remove your past. I like to say, “welcome to the human race!”

You’ve got a mind that remembers the good times and a memory that remembers the bad times. Which includes, the good sex, the not so good sex, the fighting, the romantic evenings; the time they gave you that amazing smile, the time they hurt you. You and your mind, minus a serious brain injury or a lobotomy, are going to remember who you loved and what you did long after the union has ended. It just works that way.

If you’re still dreaming about your ex, remember, you are way stronger than you give yourself credit!

What makes you think you can’t override your thoughts? Oh, and while we’re on it, why do you believe all of them anyway? In other words, are those thoughts and fantasies even true?

I have clients who tell me they dream of having sex with their exes all the time and swear if, given the chance, they would! It takes a moment or two of me reminding them that they’re in fantasy mode. They’re simply caught up in lying to themselves because in truth, usually, most of the time, given the chance to jump their ex’s bones, they don’t. And they haven’t.

It’s all tricks their minds are playing on them. Which is fun and exciting – I mean, there are a few celebrities I’d like to curl up with in my mind, in my fantasies. But for some reason, we don’t think we’re supposed to be imagine sleeping with the person who hurt us. It’s simply not true. It’s also way too much pressure.

Of course, you’re going to remember having sex with them. Of course, you’re going to use them going forward to feed your fantasies and your sex life. Especially if you’re not with another person.

When it comes to dreaming at night, do you think you can control dreams too?

Slow down, my friend… seriously, when was the last time you were able to control your hair on your own without product, a few tools, and a great hairdresser? Now, back to dreaming… do you really think you have the power and ability to control your sub-conscious dream state? Didn’t think so.

What are dreams? I did some research before writing this article and found that dreams are as confusing to those who study them as for those having them. Apparently, dreams do everything from helping us manage stress to remembering stuff dealt with during the day. Dreams are dreams and for those who are really into them, only the dreamer can define what they mean to them.

You’re going to dream about your exes until you don’t.

Which means. Stop fretting! You’re going to think you want to have sex with them but you won’t (or you will and then you’ll deal with that in reality) and you’re going to miss them.

Missing them is the worst part of dreaming and thinking about our exes. It’s the thing that hurts our insides.

Congratulations, you are not a worm or a bird or even a dog. No offense to dogs! You are a human being and you experience being vulnerable, imperfect, and at times, even broken hearted. 💔

It hurts when we remember our exes especially if we only recall the fond, fun or sexy moments. It will hurt until you’re able to focus on yourself and your future. Until you’re ready to love someone else or you can remember the entire story – the good parts and the bad parts.

We remember reality in strange ways too.

We dismiss details, minimize information, delete the stuff we’d rather forget. Which I suppose is why the dream state is so important, it helps keep us on track.

After breaking up with one of my lovers, I was told he was a user of certain drugs I wouldn’t want around me and my children. I couldn’t recall a single time I had seen him using and was stunned by the revelation. Then slowly, over the course of the next 3-months (maybe longer… I can’t remember 😉 ) I recalled how other people had tried to tip me off. Certain scenes started coming back to me.

We traveled a lot and I remembered how there were these moments when I felt as if I had witnessed something being packed in a bag I shouldn’t have seen. And then I recalled the day I was in a pool looking up at the balcony forty stories up and seeing a man – my friend – on his balcony smoking.

I was told it was a cigar.

When we broke up months and months later, it took a long time for me to work through all the good memories. I had to deal with my sadness, my missing him until I finally stumbled upon the reality that I had been living. I had been lied to over and over and over again. He was a user and I knew it once I put the pieces together. It all came back to me as if I was going through the file cabinet of my mind. Image after image, memory after memory. I had loved a person I could never have had in my life. It was all a lie.

The revelation came to me in my dream state and it began the healing portion of my breakup.

I share this with you, not as a condemnation of users but because I had completely blocked out the memories. It took my dreams to help me come back to reality.

Still dreaming about your ex? Here are 3 ways to help you purge them out of your life:

1) Be sure you’re ready to let go. There may be something inside that’s not quite ready to let go. A lesson, a thought, a feeling you need to become grounded again in your intuition and higher power. You’re not a fool for ending or letting go of someone who doesn’t love you. You need to know what the lessons were.

2) Ask for help. Before going to bed, say a prayer or have the thought that for tonight, you’re asking your higher power to release them from your dreams. Ask your higher power to watch over your ex and to take care of them. Then ask to be watched and guided as well.

There were many times during my breakups that I asked for an ex to be granted some dignity that I couldn’t give, while bargaining for a little help myself!

3) Keep looking forward. Too often we stay fixated on our past lovers out of fear of being hurt again. We shield our hearts from being vulnerable. We imagine going on a date as being given kryptonite. None of that is true. If you don’t wish to be in a relationship, you don’t have to be. But one of the best ways not to dream about your ex is to be in a new relationship with someone who adores you.

People pretend they can handle being alone with their cats and our dogs. We worry about caring for our children and not letting them get abandoned. Too often, we imagine that we’re better off alone than with someone who could potentially hurt us. Only you get to make that decision for your life. But you are human and as humans, we do best in a relationship.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.