You must let go of unhealthy people to move on.
Are you unable to stop others from treating you poorly? If you’ve suffered from not speaking up, then your breakup is going to be a huge growth spurt. This is when you get to try on a new you and go for speaking up, go for saying “no” and creating some integrity. It won’t be easy, and your ex might not like it. But this is the one time when you’re the decision maker. Doing so will make you stronger and more in control.
You have to become involved and forthright with the decisions to let go and move on after a breakup.
If you’re conditioned to getting your own way, going through a divorce is going to be a rude awakening. Courts, attorneys, and the law don’t always see things the way you do. They also don’t care about you getting your way. It’s tough to hear “no.” It’s not fun to have to let go and follow new rules for your children and your future. It’s really tough. But you’ll survive and you have to let go of that control in order to move on. Better yet, instead of sticking to “ it’s my way or the highway,” try to grow. Get out of your comfort zone and begin negotiating. Stand in the other person’s shoes, your kids’ shoes, and imagine what’s best for the family’s future.
In order to move on, let go of the idea of having to get your own way.
Moving on requires a change in lifestyle – nobody likes to let go of that!
There can be no guessing games as you let go and move forward with your life.
Let go of the gossip and chatter go so you can move on with your life.
When it’s time to move on after a breakup there are a few things that must end before you can have a new beginning. For one thing, it’s really difficult to still be intimate with them. When you have sex with that person you’re dragging through a divorce, it makes the process super confusing.
Even trying to be kind or peaceful or ugh, conscious, makes it tough. When we love we want intimacy. Usually, a breakup like a divorce is the furthest thing from intimacy one can get. So that moment of weakness when you think, ‘Oh why not, just a quickie,’ starts to feel really awkward and unkind and dirty once you find yourself back in mediation, or worse yet, the courtroom.
You’ve got to end doing it with them when you’re ready to move on after a breakup.
The stuff. Like really, are you going to fight over the who gets the TV or the antique clock or the piece of art you bought on your honeymoon…crap really? Stuff you have to pay someone to cart away and pay someone else to dust. Or then plead with someone new to love but they won’t because it was never theirs, to begin with. It’s simply not worth it. Let the stuff go and move on after a breakup. It reeks of bad memories even if it’s full of good memories and brings with it the energy of unhappiness. Let your ex-partner deal with this stuff.
Let go of the stuff so you can move on after a breakup.
Who you were. Yep, that image you have of yourself: the self-righteous, holier-than-thou impression you have of your victimhood. Poor you… you who stayed in unhappiness, you who did your damnedest to make it work. Even the you who paid for everything and who did everything. Or the you who gave birth and cooked, and cleaned. The you who never got to see the kids. Holding onto the image we have of ourselves keeps us stuck in the past, unable to imagine a future. Unable to move on after the breakup. It keeps us untethered to the reality of the situation. That person you were in a relationship with the person you’re divorcing doesn’t get to go into your future with you whether you want it to or not. It can’t.
Holding onto the image we have of ourselves keeps us stuck in the past.
Let go of the shared future. It’s not shared anymore. Your future is different than your past. It’s yours. You get a chance to remake it, redefine it, and grab a hold to what you find meaningful. Finally, you get to create a separate future for yourself and change. This is what I call a re-do halfway through—halfway is how I felt when I divorced in my forties. Halfway meant I had a chance to do it all differently—on my terms, with my rules and my values, and my new found boundaries. I grew a spine and used it… that future once dreamt of stays in the shoebox in the closet behind a closed door.
You’re not in a shared future anymore. Let it go to move on after a breakup.
The way you view change. Meaning, if you’re afraid of change (like most reptilian animal brains we have) you’re going to have to seriously get over it. The month everything inside me completely changed, and I realized there wasn’t a single cell in my body that had had sex with my ex-husband was the beginning of a brand new life for me.
We’re allowed to change and no one, including our interior thoughts and feelings and fears, can stop the changes that a breakup will thrust upon you. The other way to look at this is, “life happens.” It does, and while going through a divorce it’s best to look at each morning as a chance to do it better. To feel better, believe better, and create a better future.
People confuse the experience of divorce all the time. Too many people think it’s a horrible thing but you just get through it. Others wallow in the loss of their marriages forever. Your future depends on how willing you are to do some personal growth through a divorce. Healing doesn’t just happen.
Saying that however, your personal growth doesn’t have to take forever either. And it shouldn’t. You want to figure things out sooner rather than later. But it’s not easy to do so during the initial crisis stage. At first, life will be pretty chaotic. But over time, if you’re open to growing through the breakdown of your family, your life will open up again. So let it.
Fantasies are the hope and trust we use to pull us out of bad situations.
Over time, you have to figure out who you want to be without your ex-spouse holding up that old mirror of judgment and support. Fantasies are the hope and trust we use to pull us out of bad situations or pull us out of pain. They’re hugely important with divorce! We hope the future will be better; we trust that we’re making the right decision. But in truth, the story of the rest of your life hasn’t been lived yet. Your life story isn’t finished. We have to create the future to determine if it’s better than where we are in the present. Got it?
Life happens to all of us whether we’re in a divorce or not.
One of the big pitfalls of going through a divorce is that we want guarantees. In this case, the hope or the guarantee that the future will be as good as you’re fantasizing about it. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees in life ever. No matter how often we beg or pray or plead. Life happens to all of us whether we’re in a divorce or not. Sometimes because of our actions perhaps and sometimes because of our inactions.
But either way, your experience of personal growth through a divorce may be similar (but different) than the personal growth someone else has to go through dealing with their loss or crisis. Inspired by people’s fortitude and strength, no matter how difficult things are in the moment, I remember to be grateful. That really stinks when you’re fighting with your ex-spouse or you just got another attorney’s bill. For sure. But, you’ve got this. In fact, you’ve been through tough times more than once and you’ve grown.
If you want your future to be as good as you fantasize about it, you’re responsible for making it happen.
Our culture wants a quick fix and an easy answer. We’re lucky, we get another chance at life when we go through a divorce. Other difficulties or crisis seem less harsh perhaps… possibly because they’re seemingly momentary. Like, God forbid, an accident… quick and easy. You deal with it.
I was hit by a car this past spring and have been healing nicely from it for six months now and know I will be just fine. A divorce in comparison seems to take forever. My divorce from my children’s took 5-years. That’s a long time to be scared and upset. In a positive spin, I call it, giving us the time to get used to our new life. Away from your old life. During my legal separation, I had a long time to think through some of my beliefs around divorce. Quick or long, it becomes our business to make our new life happen for ourselves.
Are you willing to do the personal growth through a divorce?
Some people may cringe when they read this. “She’s asking me to do MORE work?” they may be saying. Look, it’s your future, you get to decide to do whatever you want. But if you do decide on personal growth through a divorce, it looks like finding teachers and mentors. It means reading books written by people who’ve been through what you’re going through.
You might decide to join a support group or go to therapy. You will most certainly want to find a divorce coach or an “abandonment group.” The personal growth healing work, unfortunately, won’t always be easy. No one likes change! So who’s going to help you with your personal growth and healing? Find someone who can handle what you’re up against. (That is typically, not your mother….)
Create the courage to move on with your life, even when it’s difficult.
I believe the terrain between being married and being comfortably single isn’t for the faint of heart. There’s a mix of compassion and empathy for what you’re going through – did I mention how tough this experience is? And a bit of tough love, kick-in-the-pants kind of honesty we have to put into the mix. So do yourself a favor and surround yourself with people who can help you stay tethered to reality. Your marriage is over in a divorce. So, now what are you going to do with your life?
Ask yourself what you want and go for it! You can do what you need to do to make the kind of life that is something you fantasize about. So find someone who can tether you to what you want… your fantasy. Invest the time, the resources, and experience the personal growth going through a divorce. You’ll get everything you want and more.
Some people wrongly feel that when going through a divorce, a Divorce Coach is redundant and threatening to the other divorce professionals. We’re used to hiring attorneys or certified financial analysts or even therapists to help. But honestly, nothing could be further from the truth! Each professional has a role to play, and in my own experience going through a divorce, I utilized many of them.
A divorce coach, in the way I’ve been trained and practice, helps clients to manage their fears and the decisions that need to be made. And there are a lot of decisions to be made!
Going through a divorce, a divorce coach helps to brainstorm with a client.
This way a client is able to manage their budget and get focused before going to a lawyer. As a result, the attorney gets a more credible client. And the client isn’t wasting time and money re-telling their divorce story each time they have an appointment.
Most people going through divorce aren’t sick or ill. They’re more frightened or acting out in reaction to disappointment, anger, and loss. Up until now, a therapist has been the default place to go. I like therapists. But my work focuses on the present and the future. Most therapists look toward the past and how it’s affecting the present. Our work is different and sometimes both professionals are necessary.
Another misconception is that people think I’m telling my clients what to do. In actuality, telling someone what to do never works … remember being a teenager?
With a divorce coach, people get a place to manage feelings.
Working with a divorce coach, clients get to think about what they want and strategize how to get it. They take time and space away from their responsibilities to heal. I’m a hand-holder to feelings that come up after a client leaves the attorney’s office or gets their divorce decree.
Going through a divorce, emotionally charged people deal with a lot of really important decisions. Emotional decisions are expensive decisions. Courts, attorneys, friends, and children demand answers. Or they’re simply encouraged to “just start dating again” as if that’s the answer to the stress. Or they imagine living with someone is a great, fun idea.
Going through a divorce, a client has to slow down the emotional roller coaster.
That way decision-making can be given proper attention. The result is a calmer friend, mom, and colleague who’s navigating the loss of their marriage while planning for their future. My clients make up their own minds. With a divorce coach, they can examine different aspects and choices available to them. Then they figure out what works for their family. The outcomes are amazing. Instead of being an emotional wreck, clients are able to manage and show up for life.
A third misconception is that a divorce coach is a waste of time and money. Some people wrongly believe that good friends and family are enough. Or they feel that the healing lies in dating. Some people throw themselves into their work. Or worse, they become resigned to their life as it is. I cringe when I hear those words.
I call the aftermath of a poorly navigated divorce Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™.
When someone going through this experience isn’t getting help – they’re simply dating and having a lot of sex or simply stuffing feelings down – the repercussions will most likely bite them later. These individuals look beaten up. They may or may not be as successful as they once were. A lot of pessimism and loss permeates their self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth. They don’t want to settle but they do. The worst part is that they don’t have the tools to heal because their ex still holds the mirror.
Know anyone two to seven years out from a divorce decree who’s still stuck in the past and unhappy? Or If you or someone you know has lost the joy in there life, it may be time to work with a specialist in the emotional healing from a divorce. These walking wounded need help moving forward with their lives. A lot of my work focuses on these post-divorce issues. Clients take back the mirror held by their ex.