Divorce Process

The Best Parenting Advice For Single Dads Is Avoid The Negative-You’ve Got This

May 2, 2017

Single dads are so impressive! Things are not easy and there’s a lot thrown on their shoulders. Seriously, the best parenting advice for single dads is to ignore the naysayers. Avoid the negative and stay away from any buzz kill. You balance way more than dads dealt with even a couple of decades ago. And you’re expected to do it all. (I’m even guilty of insisting you handle it all!) And you’re stepping up. You roll with things more easily than most single moms. The kids know you’re there for them cooking and managing the home. You’ve got this!

The best parenting advice for single dads-understand it’s really different for kids to live with dad on his own in a new home.

Your kids are looking for your leadership and your ability to care for them. Not the other way around on the days you want to be a teenager. Meaning, you are the adult. And you treat children (even your children) with love and respect. Like dads who get the best parenting advice are supposed to do. You are their parent.

The biggest fear your kids have is that you’re going to leave them too.

Your ex will act like the mama bear she is when reports come back that you’ve not been following her parenting advice for single dads. If reports get back (and believe me they do) then you’re in for a dressing down! So don’t show up unkind or focused more on your girlfriend. If you’re the kind of dad who would never leave his children, be sure to let them know that. Often. It’s really that simple and the best parenting advice to follow.

Be rational and clear with your own negative vibes and worries.

When you’re a single dad, you get to manage your time with your kids. Sometimes, no matter what the parenting plan says, you’re just going to have to ignore the voices in your head. Especially when your kids may not want to be with you. Even when they love you. It may or may not mean that their mom is bad-mouthing you or that they don’t have fun with you. It just might mean they need to stay in their other room for the weekend. My advice: roll with it.

As a single dad, you do the work to help your kids get comfortable with you.

It’s super scary for a little kid! Especially at first. They’re so confused by all the family changes. It’s your job to talk about what’s going on. The best parenting advice for single dads is to tell them you’re all figuring this out. Let them know that it’s different for you too but that you’ll keep them safe. Reassure them that you guys will work out the details. Answer their questions and don’t indulge their own nastiness. (There are boundaries after all!)

Kids might say things that make you question your own judgment.

Expect children to become angry at some point. If you’ve moved out and are setting up a new home, I sure hope you’ve answered any second thoughts about what’s going on between you and their mom. If you’re clear, then be unshakeable. It’s time for you to show up capable of handling your children. In time, they will come around.

They love you. They love their mom. They didn’t ask for any of this. And for them, divorce sucks.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t handle them, their emotions, their fears or their worries. (And they’ve got way more to worry about than you do!) The best parenting advice for single dads is to be your child’s rock. Let them be your everything when you see them. Give them the chance to show up and make you proud. And when they do so, let them know it. They want you to be proud of them – they’re terribly afraid you’re going to leave them too.

Tips To Help Thrive, Not Just Survive Infidelity As A Cheater

April 26, 2017

So, you’re a cheater or you’ve got a cheater on your hands? Ouch! Either way, you’re looking for a way to survive infidelity as a cheater and deal with the blow-back. Even though I know it might not seem this way at the moment, essentially, the cheater and the hurt partner are both looking to regain self-worth, dignity, and self-respect. Because for all of us, unfortunately, that reflection in the mirror is difficult to ignore!

You see, there’s a big difference between surviving and thriving. And with infidelity, it’s no different. You can easily survive the pain, the loss of self-esteem, and regret. As well, you can easily walk away from a marriage, throw in the towel, and punish yourself giving into every demand out of guilt. However, on the flip side, you could also easily spend your days enacting revenge if you wish. But by creating and owning a life – your future – you have a real chance to survive infidelity as a cheater.

How to thrive and not simply survive infidelity as a cheater!

Own it. All of it… the innocent or not so innocent flirting, the affair of the mind and your inability to communicate with your partner. 100% ownership is the only way out of any lack of self-respect or even self-righteousness. Your partner did not and does not deserve to be lied to. No matter what you’re telling yourself.
Decide: Are you going to punish yourself for going against your word? Are you going to push it aside and ignore the facts and simply deal with it or power through the rest of your life? That attitude and mindset may be a short-term solution for a lot of stuff, but when it comes to your lifetime, that’s a long time to ignore something.

You never forget the person who reminds you that you’re entitled to love, romance and affection!

To survive infidelity as a cheater you have to decide to thrive for the rest of your life. Why did you let yourself not feel loved in your relationship? (This goes for both partners…) What kept you from setting up boundaries to protect yourself? Too often people don’t realize how painful it is to lie to someone they love.

Hearts cause us pain, not our minds, and our thoughts – sure, it all might start there but it’s your heart that hurts.

Take back your self-respect. Despite wishing it so, no amount of thinking your way out of what you did is going to heal your heart. Your heart is where you feel. And feelings are the things that hurt. Not logic. No matter what, the logic is simply your mind looking for a way out of the mess. But, there is no way out through thinking. You must earn taking back your self-respect by being your word.

Learn to trust yourself as you know in your heart of hearts that you blew it. Those big declarations of love and faith may be hard to stomach right now. So avoid those huge declarations and resolutions as you start to survive infidelity as a cheater. Start super small.

To survive infidelity as a cheater remember if you aren’t your word, it’s you who suffers.

Give it time. We’re all doing the best we can. Up until this moment, you’ve been doing the best you can given what you know and how you’ve acted over the years. But though, giving it time looks like being patient, it also means, it’s time to up your game!

Each and every one of us deserves love. We deserve to thrive in our lifetimes, to be treated with kindness, to be seen and heard. When people cheat, everyone gets hurt. And as adults, we must deal with the blow-back.

Dealing with the blow-back looks like owning, deciding, figuring it out, and being your word. When you do what you say you’re going to do, you have a chance to take back your self-respect. You learn to trust yourself again. So you’re no longer known as the cheater you once were.

Crisis Mode-Things to Understand When Your Marriage is Over

January 17, 2017

“What’s happening?” You went through the ceremony, said all those words, made promises and went on a honeymoon. Those were real events… physical, real experiences and you took to heart the vows coming out of your mouth. Years passed, there were the routines, children, friends. What you had was the comfort, familiarity, love, partnership. And then one day, it was over and you went into crisis mode. You discovered the drugs, the girlfriends, his things packed, the locks changed. She left with the kids. You begin what feels like the worst moments of your life…

The crisis mode you get into when a marriage ends is such a fragile, frightening place. At first, you’re simply spinning, tethered to this immense fear and anxiety. Instinct takes over as you start to search for answers to something you’ve no idea how to figure out. When you begin to see the marriage you’ve been living, it feels nearly impossible to look at this time as good. This is good old-fashioned, “I’m freaking out!” time. You’re going to be in a crisis mode for some time before you’re ready to see the big picture.

Understand that your behavior in this crisis moment is quite normal.

You’ve been the fish in the fishbowl unaware of what your life really has been for a long time. Tolerance and your rose-colored glasses have kept you feeling it’s all you, and the role of being blamed, has you convinced that you’re responsible for the breakdown or the opposite, 100% the victim.

What you don’t get is just how fragmented the agreement’s been for a really long time. How having a spouse in your bed, a mortgage, vacations or even family celebrations isn’t the same as partnership, fidelity or respect. This is when you begin to grasp the person who’s been your spouse and to take stock of your life. In the crisis mode, balancing this understanding while feeling unstable and having compassion is difficult.

In the freak-out, it feels as if your reality, your marriage – the thing you believed in and did every day – never really existed. As you search for blame, you feel like you lived a fantasy in a house of cards. So duped, used, unbelievably naive, you will thrash about.

The feelings of being foolish or stupid, and overcome with anger can easily frighten you to your core. You grapple about looking for a reality check because you will go over and over and over the details of your marriage. Unfortunately, in the crisis mode, you will review every conversation, every moment, every voice message, and every email until you figure out the lies. Then you will catalog the disrespect, the lack of love all in order to become steady on your feet.

In the crisis mode, understand you will search for information to blame.

Even though you won’t want to feel the hurt, the anger, loss, panic, and the tears, you will. You really can’t deal with being this wobbly. You’re not in any shape to face the future, never mind being positive and tethered to optimism or experiencing joy. So give yourself a break.

Knowing this, you’re going to feel weak, and unable to get out of bed in the morning. However, you may also experience the opposite, determined to hold it together with a framework of work and family duties. Some people waffle between the two while throwing in a few dates, lots of sex and anything that helps to numb out. Any of these reactions are common and you’re not alone.

Your armor will get thick. You stop trusting everyone – you’ll look around for spies, start using cash, worry that your email is being hacked. Every time you go out, you’ll wonder if there’s a PI behind you. You’ll question if your friends are still your friends. You’ll assume every professional from an attorney to your doctor to your kids’ teachers knew something you didn’t.

In the crisis mode, you’ll assume everyone is fabricating tales including me. This is the worst part of this part of the separation and breakup of your marriage. It’s a very lonely place because, in your pain and shame, you will pull in and hide from others who you think are judging, judging, judging.

Here too, in the crisis mode, you simply need an answer, anything tangible in order to piece the future together.

Find safe ground, there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s just that your marriage is over. You may also have work to do, even lots of work. Or you may have to parent or learn a few skills and change some habits. But no matter how difficult this crisis mode is, your life is just beginning.

In fear and resentment, this is incredibly hard to hear. In the crisis mode after a marriage, you’re also not the only one whose life was a mirage. That’s why I’m optimistic and bold and champion your courage. This is simply a period of time and you need it.

Despite the pain, you’ll take the steps necessary to make the torment and the panic go away. In so doing, the aching goes away and you will begin to get better and grow. The heartache and dread and the awareness of the crisis mode have to come first. It’s part of what’s going on. You have to see the truth.

What Is The Process Of Divorce-Can You Help Me Understand It?

January 3, 2017

If you’re going through a divorce, then, unfortunately, you probably don’t know what a happy relationship really feels like. You’re also, probably, most definitely, scared out of your mind. So that’s where someone like a coach comes in to help you understand the process of divorce. Anyone going through this kind of breakup needs a mentor. The process of divorce is expensive and guidance is not when compared to how long most divorces take. You’re going to want help to understand what’s going on legally. And you’ll need inspiration so you can create a new, happy life for yourself with everything that entails. The process of divorce affects everything.

Your divorce is uniquely yours. It’s your rite of passage into a new future…

The legal steps are fairly clear and have their own timeline and rhythm despite the anger or drama. There are legal steps like filing a petition, getting temporary orders or serving the other person. You’ll await a response, then negotiate. Perhaps there’ll be a litigation and trial if necessary. In mediation, each party tries to frame their position and negotiate equitable terms. The settlement documents go to court for approval. Some states require co-parenting classes. Sometimes there is forensics. And sometimes there are domestic violence issues and family court. Each of these legal steps has their trained professionals whose job it is to get you legally, ethically, safely separated.

On the emotional side, things take a less linear route and this is where getting a mentor is incredibly helpful. I believe healing doesn’t truly begin until after that decree is signed. But wearing the stigma of divorce, like a Scarlet D on your tee shirt, also doesn’t have to color the rest of your life.

In order to heal, typically, you factor in a few things. Like how much time you were married. Or the habits formed and the agreements tolerated while with that person. Along with the practices you honed. Then allow yourself time to do your healing work. There are reasons why you’re experiencing this very big life lesson. You definitely don’t want to go through it over again.

A good measure goes like this. Take the AA 12 steps that apply to you and your understanding of a universal spirit and add the 7 stages of grief. Then add the 4 steps to codependency recovery and the 5 phases of abandonment recovery. Mush them all together. Without being facetious, that’s what you have to figure out to get through the entire process of divorce.

Let me make this as clear as possible: you are creating an entirely new life.

First, you will want to decouple from the energy that attracted you to your ex in the first place. Next, you will work through the grief towards acceptance. In the process, you get to rebuild your self-esteem, your pocketbook, and your boundaries. Through this, you will learn to trust again and in the process get back your mojo.

You learn to accept your human foibles, emotional crutches, and then take responsibility for your part. None of us are perfect so learning to forgive and let go of shame are critical. Then you can develop faith, hope, and the confidence to let someone new in. As you can see, this doesn’t happen overnight.

You can continue living a great life while doing your work. You can fall in love, remarry, move, get a promotion and make money. The best thing about a divorce is that you get to start over. You get to decide the kind of life you want to have. However, you must become conscious and self-aware. The divorce process wakes you up because we take ourselves wherever we go. And you have to give yourself the gift of guidance and time.

There are no shortcuts through the healing process of divorce.

The entire process is different for each person. It’s also non-linear with fits and starts. But you really do have to go through all of it or you’ll end up stuck. People who don’t are often deflated or worn out with Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™.

Unfortunately, you can fall in love, move in with someone (who’s a lot like your ex) marry and still have Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™. Or you can make a lot of money, be in great health, have many gorgeous new partners and still have Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™. A sure sign of Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™ is starting a new family then getting divorced again. It’s also statistically certain.

The process of divorce demands respect.

You can’t just wrap it up and pretend your divorce never happened. Nor can you replace one lover with another and expect to be healed. Even more importantly, you can’t argue and fight for the rest of your future. Chances are you aren’t sick or incompetent. You’re most likely just scared, hurt, and angry ready to forget about all of it. Unfortunately, that won’t work.

Find someone to work with like a Certified Divorce Coach. Hire that person to help hold you accountable. This way your new love and your new life will be different than your past. Make sure to find someone to help you understand what’s going on. On a certain level, you imploded your marriage so you could go through this awesome and life-changing rite of passage. You deserve to find the happiness you crave and deserve.

Find Grace Under The Pressure Of Your Divorce This Holiday Season

December 13, 2016

Having been through heartache more than once, I really know how to behave badly around friends and former acquaintances. Catching up with your friends and family though, I hope the pressure of your divorce this holiday season is lighter. You see, I was brilliant at dumping my pain and frustration because of the pressure of my divorce. There was little to no grace. As a result, I lost a lot of friends and colleagues. It’s easy now to admit I misbehaved. But while I was going through my divorces, I was impossible to be around.

This holiday season, please accept my gift of apologies. I truly did not have the skills for safe lines of communication.

This was mostly because I simply didn’t know there was a way to have grace under pressure! Who knew the story I was living was impossible for those around me? I certainly didn’t and for those friends, I hurt by dumping, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. I really didn’t know any better!

As a coach, I hear a different perspective. I listen to the friends who are judgmental and exhausted really from listening to divorce this holiday season. Or the teachers who are fixated only on their students’ well-being, not the parent’s. And the attorneys and financial advisors who don’t really want to be therapists. They’re also not licensed to be, to begin with. And then there are the friends and family who don’t have a clue about how to help. During the holiday season, everyone is dealing with difficult emotions. Not just the person in their life going through a divorce.

The pressure of your divorce this holiday season is stressful. Period.

Going through a divorce is demanding. Even when we try, it’s difficult to leave the story of the divorce behind. It’s actually nearly impossible. The problem is that without a structure or a process to help someone going through a divorce stay stable, everyone has a tough time.

Working with a trained divorce coach is different than working with a therapist or unloading onto friends and family. A divorce coach keeps their clients stable. They give them new skills and help them look towards the future. To move forward in their lives instead of constantly reliving the past. Grace is developed because you’re able to create optimism.

You’re not alone, you’re not impossible… you’re in pain and need some new skills.

I can spot someone going through a divorce a mile away. They’re talking nonstop about their life (because they can’t stop themselves). The person who’s listening tends to be leaning back. They’re leaning as if to escape the onslaught of words and energy coming at them.

Your friends are torn because they wish they could help but they’ve lost their fun-loving friend. They don’t want to appear rude, and really want to be there, but not like this. Extended families are the worst because usually, they never liked the person we’re leaving. So they simply heap more fuel on the fire. Especially around the punch bowl.

Do yourself and all your friends and colleagues a favor and make the process less stressful for yourself. Find a good mentor in a divorce coach. You can go through and heal from divorce with grace. There are a few tools and some skills to learn. Go ahead and consider this a gift you give yourself. Your friends, colleagues, and family will thank you. This holiday season, you’ll have more fun and share joy together. As a result, you won’t lose them the way I did come the New Year.http://www.laurabonarrigo.com/ebook