Divorce Process

It Won’t Suck Forever. 6 Signs You’re Actually Moving On From Your Divorce

August 9, 2018

Getting over a breakup is never easy. But I promise it won’t suck forever. It does suck for quite some time, however. That pain is usually covered up by this acute anger or fear or depression. It often feels as if you’ll never make it through this stage, doomed to deal with your breakup for the rest of your life. But despite the worry or tears, there are several signs that show up when you’re actually moving on from your divorce. These are the signals you want to know about. They’re proof your getting over your breakup and that a good life after divorce will happen.

How to get over a breakup when you still love each other.

This is that suck forever feeling. The obsession over whether or not you’ll ever move on. But in reality, you may always love each other. Even just a little bit. After all, there was something in them that made you want them in your life, to begin with. When they get into your heart, they often own a piece of it going forward.

So when you still love each other, it’s hard to know what to do after the breakup. You’ll search around for meaning and experiment with dating. You’ll do your best to forget about them and wrestle with tons of sadness and guilt. You’ve lost someone you’ve grown accustomed to even when or if the relationship wasn’t healthy or easy.

Life after divorce is filled with growth.

Growth isn’t always fun. It’ll often feel as if you’re never going to move on from your divorce in the midst of the emotional hit. Eventually, however, you’ll begin to calm down and embrace the changes going on.

Signs you’re actually moving on from your divorce:

Slow down and breathe. Way too often in the midst of the anxiety, we literally forget to breathe. Now, I’m not the best silent meditator in the world but I can walk. And, I do a lot of walking! Simply moving my body, lifting weights, walking, getting on a bicycle helps me move that anxious energy. Slow down and walk to calm your body and relax your thoughts.

Manage your thoughts. When you’re able to shift that anxious energy toward a calmer feeling, you may or may not actually like it despite what you’re declaring to anyone who’ll listen. Some people keep the anxiety going not because they like the anger or worry but because they don’t realize they can control their thoughts and feelings. You can and you must!

You will know that you’ve turned the corner of your breakup when you can slow down and breathe, and manage your thoughts. These are welcomed signs!

How to deal with a breakup.

Start with a good attitude. I often use the term perspective when discussing the experience of divorce. The stages you go through are rather universal. Sure, you have your own personality and story. But, for the most part, the perspective you need is not personal at all. Your attitude and how you handle what you know and what you’re doing is.

When you’re able to get some perspective on this modern-day rite of passage, you’ll be better able to stop the stress you’re experiencing. When you can hold the experience with optimism and courage, you’re on your way toward healing your life after divorce!

Perspective includes objectively recognizing the situation you’re in. Owning your part in the breakup. Doing your healing work not just saying you are as if intellectually understanding it means you’re body, heart and mind are healed from the trauma. You want to feel at peace with where you are in the process.

Perspective helps you avoid Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™… the sticky, horrible sense that your life will always be about your divorce. It’s important to grasp this not because I want to make your day worse but because without the awareness that divorce is something we do and therefore something we can do well, the longer you will remain stuck.

It won’t suck forever.

Most of the time, the tension of the negotiation or litigation is so difficult that people are willing to throw in the towel and stop the fight. It takes real time to wrap up a life that wasn’t working. Way too often people in negotiation feel as if they can’t handle the tension and fighting when they’ve no idea how much they’re capable of tolerating and getting through. They underestimate their own emotional resilience.

You see, very few people truly want to fight with a former lover. I notice that the negotiation and fight often come up when people aren’t emotionally ready to move on. No matter what they’re saying. Unaware of the hidden patterns, they’re afraid of who they’ll be after the marriage. They’re unsure about their future security, financial well-being or the relationship with their children. So they hang on using the other parent or the ex as a familiar connection.

No one can tell you how long to fight or what you should fight for. That includes your attorney, dad, children or your ex. This is a deeply personal decision. However, you also need to know when enough is enough. When the fight and the attorney fees have become a distraction from the very life you claim you want to create. Often times the fight is simply fear of letting go.

You will know that you’ve turned the corner of your breakup when you can trust that your life will become better and accept that you have to do it without the person you’ve been accustomed to. These are welcomed signs!

Life experience is not all about making mistakes.

It takes a while to create a better life after divorce. The gestation period to create the very life you claim you want takes longer than falling in love. It’s harder than giving birth. It costs more than starting your own company. Okay, I’ve taken a little creative liberty here but you get my point. It doesn’t happen all at once or right away. Nor will it show up the way you imagine.

The emotional growth you have to go through doesn’t look like the fantasies you held onto to get out of your marriage. The tricky thing is that emotional growth gets disguised by falling in love or moving or getting a new job. In fact, all of those things are helpful but none of them are what makes a better life. Many complicate your life instead, ratcheting up stress levels. Usually, those first few romances fall apart making things more confusing or upsetting.

Compassion helps because you’re going to make a lot of mistakes. Do your best to accept that fact. Learn to watch yourself go through the things you go through so you don’t beat yourself up. You will know that you’ve turned the corner of your breakup when you allow yourself to make the mistakes you’re inevitably going to make and accept all of them. These are welcomed signs!

Getting over a breakup will not take forever. Nor does it have to suck! You do, however, have to give yourself the care and attention required to do your divorce better. And when you do, your life will get better. I am not a big fan of watching people mess things up over and over again. I created my online group programs precisely because too many people make the separation process harder than it has to be. You don’t have to! Learn more here.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com.

This Is Not Your Parent’s Divorce. Understanding The Modern Rite Of Passage We Call Divorce

July 3, 2018

Parents are simply people doing their best! The hard part is, we – as children, as family members, teachers, clergy, neighbors – expect divorcing parents to know how to get through their break up perfectly. Coping with divorce in the family affects everyone and up until now, few had the luxury of available help. However, this is not your parent’s divorce. This is a different time and help is available. The best part? Parents and kids can heal from betrayal, loss, and lifestyle changes. Not a parent? Reach out to parents. Knowing what you know, you owe it to their kids. It is possible to understand the modern rite of passage we call divorce. Otherwise, divorce remains a generational disease.

How should parents handle their divorce?

Divorce can leave lifelong scars unless someone gets the help they need to heal. Given that, I wish every parent knew to get support. Healing help. Time with a coach and/or a therapist. Going to a support group. Having a safe place to share their pain with other adults so they can show up as a great parent for their kid. If a parent does not do their healing work, the legacy of their divorce gets passed onto their children.

When I was a child, few talked about divorce. Parents quickly remarried if possible or single parents struggled to make ends meet. My family was the only one to separate on the small cul-de-sac where I grew up. It was a lonely, scary, and painful time. Eventually, both parents remarried and relative normalcy returned but that doesn’t mean it didn’t affect me and my brothers and sisters.

Coping with a divorce in the family

We didn’t have the tools to talk about coping with divorce as a teenager or as a child. No one knew how to deal with breakups. Or how to get through a break up in a productive and optimistic manner. It was a tough, embarrassing, vulnerable time filled with gossip and complaining. Being sensitive to the adults around me, I wish they could have talked about it more. Or had gotten the right kind of help.

Today, there is hope for parents. They can get support! They can lean on adults going through the process instead of equally disgruntled friends to get the support and advice they need. The best part about today’s divorce, not being your parent’s divorce, is that we do understand this modern-day rite of passage. And there’s a bounty of help just because those who are helping others today, were the kids of the past. We know it’s best for kids to have healthy parents going through a supportive process.

The modern-day rite of passage we call divorce

Even though many families separate and divorce, there is still a huge misunderstanding about the experience. Parents still think the fight is about getting even, emotional justice or preventing children from seeing each other as a way to punish and victimize one another.

I believe the modern-day rite of passage we call divorce is about taking back a life that wasn’t working. It means letting go of the fight when negotiations break down and figuring out how to process, heal, and move on no matter what the circumstances. This is incredibly difficult in the heat of the fight and I’m in no way suggesting that you “om it out” over joined yoga mats during those heated moments.

Most normal people aren’t spiritually aware enough to separate without bad feelings. And resentments or hurt feelings are real and appropriate reactions to a marriage being ripped apart. Betrayal cuts deep. Loss requires grieving and pain is not always the easiest emotion to experience or process.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t heal or that you won’t. Coping with divorce means you need more help, understanding, and perspective.

This Is Not Your Parent’s Divorce

You do not need to spend your days criticizing and commiserating with other upset and disgruntled single parents. You don’t have to compare your divorce to the one your parents went through. Divorcing parents need to process and heal in a safe place (where anger is allowed) and figure out how to shift their focus toward the future not hold themselves stuck in the past.

So much easier said than done! But it’s doable. We have the luxury our parents didn’t have. Today, help specifically deals with divorcing families. There are places to go where parents can share their pain with other adults.

This way parents can show up for their kids without dumping on them. And when they mess up, which will and does happen, they’ll get the tools to right their behavior for their teenager or young adult’s eyes. Kids don’t want perfect parents. They need parents who are capable of getting themselves the support and help they need so that they can be there for them.

Otherwise, divorce becomes a generational disease

The biggest fear most divorcing parents have is that their kids will “hate them.” Every parent goes through this at one point or another. Unfortunately, they’re right, most kids do hate their parents at some point during a family’s divorce. There’s a lot of anger and hurt. An enormous let down for kids and disrupted lifestyle changes that hurt everyone involved.

But kids aren’t blind to anger, financial disparities, even being used as pawns in their parents’ fight. Kids are smart. They’ve been watching you since they were at your knee. Your children know more about your separation than you realize. They know when a parent is buying them or has taken on a new lover or is using their wealth to punish one another.

What they don’t get, however, is good role modeling during divorce. Unless a parent is in the process of healing and getting the right kind of support. Otherwise, divorce becomes a generational disease.

There aren’t many good reasons to pass your pain onto your kids to deal with anymore. You can do your work and model optimism, hope, and success for them. Your kids will face their own hardships as they mature and create their own lives. They don’t need to spend years of their lives wondering what happened to their original family and why dad/mom cheated or mom/dad was so angry.

Parents are simply people doing their best!

I get it! As a parent, when I make mistakes in front of my children, it takes everything I have to stop and apologize. I’ve had to learn how to bite my tongue and simply show up for my kids. Too often, I might have said exactly what was on my mind and needed to go to them and admit I made a mistake. But it worked. It showed them that as an adult, I was going to make mistakes and I continue to learn and grow.

My children have no illusions about our lives! They understand that my work is my work and that they don’t have to figure out what happened between their parents on their own. This is not my parent’s divorce, today I’m doing my part too.

They know that as a child, it was a lot harder and much rarer for people of my generation to have therapists. My children have had lots of support. As have I. We talk about their loss, their feelings, and make space for grieving and processing. Together we’ve shed a lot of tears but we’ve also made great new memories.

Coping with divorce: parents and kids can heal from betrayal, loss, and lifestyle changes

This is a different time and help is available. The best part? Parents and kids coping with divorce can heal from betrayal, loss, and lifestyle changes. Not a parent? Reach out to parents. Knowing what you now know, you owe it to their kids. The kids in your classrooms, your office, your neighbor. It’s important to show support to those grieving and confused or even angry single parents in your midst. They need lots of compassion. Know it’s possible to understand the modern rite of passage we call divorce. Otherwise, divorce remains a generational disease.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For parents seeking empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of their past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com.

Here Are 4 Things You Have Wrong About Divorce You Need To Fix NOW

June 12, 2018

“It takes 2 people to nurture a relationship.”

My favorite quote, “love is something we create and work on; it takes 2 people to nurture and build a relationship” takes the sting away from a marriage gone south. No one can have a relationship by themselves. Your life after divorce is filled with hope whether you’re struggling with what to do after a breakup or not. As you learn how to deal with co-parenting, how to date after divorce and how to get over a breakup you caused, you are well on your way to having excellent coping skills when dealing with divorce. When dealing with life after a breakup, here are 4 things you have wrong about divorce you need to fix now.

Shame: how to get over a breakup you caused

Shame complicates how to get over a breakup you caused. But you’ve got to pull yourself together because no matter what you may be thinking or feeling, it’s not all your fault. Even if you’re the one who cheated. Betrayal does cut deep. It takes a personal commitment to oneself to heal from a spouse who’s had an affair. But it is doable. And, it’s often a gift in disguise.

You know that relationships end for all sorts of reasons and if you were both happy, you wouldn’t be where you are today. That’s a tough pill to swallow. It’s so much easier to remain angry, victimized, and self-righteous than do the healing work. Find help so that over time, you’ll be able to be with someone who won’t hurt you in the future.

You also know that your healing includes owning your part in the breakdown of the marriage. This is where blaming your ex (the one who cheated) gets tough.

What to do after a breakup when the person you once loved hurt you?

I do not prescribe that forgiveness is more important than boundaries. It’s important to heal properly. Healing takes boundaries and a feeling of safety. So how to get over a breakup you caused when you were not the one who cheated? When there was no blatant affair or you were simply unhappy? What do you do then? How do you hold your part in the breakdown of your marriage?

This is where some deep soul searching and personal growth needs to come into order. It’s so much easier to simply swallow the shame and project this image that your ex is all to blame.

But in truth, we all change as we age: hormones, self-care, passion, life-choices begin to catch up with us. And if we’re not responsible for our own well-being and health, then we may lose someone we love.

I write this to encourage you to rethink how you’re living your life. We have to be honest here. Your life after divorce is filled with hope. You have a chance to take ownership and create things you want! But in order to learn how to get over a breakup, you caused, you can’t simply ignore what’s occurred in the past or totally blame your ex

It takes 2 people to nurture any relationship. The self-incrimination or blame needs healing. They can’t stick around or get in too deep without causing long-term pain and suffering.

What to do after a breakup: coping skills when dealing with divorce

So what are you to do? Developing coping skills when dealing with divorce usually look like dating again, engaging in lots of sex or staying in and hiding from sex or waiting out time. It may be a good idea to let some days go by while you do your best to manage the onslaught of feelings that overwhelm your senses. Then again, it may not.

Coping skills when dealing with divorce demand taking care of yourself. Learn how to eat well and exercise to manage the stress. You’ll want to find a counselor and/or coach (they are different and have different roles). You may want to return to work or engage in social activities that don’t include sex. They will help you build a new community and get you out of the house.

Life after divorce is filled with hope

Even when you may feel a bit lost and confused. Even when you may want to hide at home. Hope is necessary to create your life after divorce. You have a wonderful chance to become the kind of person you dream to be.

But, what about being content with where you are? What if you’re the kind of person who wonders why “others can’t love you just the way you are?”

It’s not good to stay stuck in a rut. You’ve got to insert yourself into new things… lose some weight, eat better, learn to cook, learn how to balance a budget, get a job.

You just can’t expect everyone you want to be with to be able to accept you just as you are… we age, our bodies change; unless you’re super lucky, you’ve got to clean up your act to attract a new partner in order to find love and affection, if that’s what you want.

Parenting advice: dealing with co-parenting after divorce

One of the most difficult things about co-parenting after divorce is the on-going anger and resentments. Without some work, you’ll carry a lot of old judgments and expectations into the new family arrangement.

Decide you’re going to figure this out. (News Flash: your friends don’t usually help.) So instead, find a coach and/or a mentor who understands this modern-day rite of passage and can help you heal while simultaneously getting your life in order.

The hardest thing is to keep your feelings in check with your child’s other parent. But decide to be civil and get some coaching on dealing with co-parenting after divorce. It is not easy! It’s also one of the most important lessons you will leave your children.

What if you’re still struggling with what to do after a breakup?

This tells me that your environment may not be healthy enough for changes to stick. Or your coping skills, when dealing with divorce, are in their infancy. You might have Post-Traumatic-Divorce-Disorder ™. Or your friends don’t know how to advise you. (They often don’t.)

You may have tried dating after divorce and yet, you’re disappointed and lonely. The anger and hurt make it tough to let go of the story. It’s not always easy to turn the story around to empowering your life after divorce. It’s hard to shift your habits and practices.

I find it’s not easy to ask for help. It’s tough to make changes stick when they seem so easy on paper (been on a diet recently?!) But with the right environment, everything is attainable.

Decide that your life after divorce is going to be hopeful and filled with new relationships. Or choose to be happily single. Either option works as long as you are happy and content with your life. If you find yourself stuck, reach out! I’ve got your back on these changes and know your life after divorce is hopeful!

7 Tips For Coping With A Divorce You Don’t Want

April 17, 2018

The break down of a family is hard enough when we agree to a divorce, but coping with a divorce you never wanted is particularly difficult.

It’s really difficult to grasp, to catalog the details so as to know how it’s happened, why it’s happened; what happened; even when we know the details Heartache and pain have few boundaries – no matter what, going from being married to being single again is not easy even if you’re the one who wanted the separation to begin with.

Coping with a divorce means knowing it’s time to end something that hasn’t been working for a while.

It seems trite to say that “life isn’t fair” – that simply doesn’t cover the expanse of loss people experience. We know that life isn’t fair, we also know that the pain of divorce is harder to cope with than platitudes. Here are 3 tips to help you cope with a divorce you don’t want in a way that puts it all into perspective.

The bad news is, you don’t get to escape the feelings. I know you’d like to. I know you want to sit in a bar, start smoking again, chase women. I know you’d rather stay home on the couch and watch the Hallmark channel. I, for one, have done my own version of chasing a feeling to avoid the deep pain and loss. It’s never easy to deal with being smacked with emotions when you’re already down!

The good news is, you’ll get through coping with a divorce you don’t want. You’ll be able to create a future you’ll call your own. Surround yourself with support and you’ll find a way out. No matter how painful things are now. You must keep this in mind!

Tip #1: No matter how painful today feels, tomorrow can be better when you surround yourself with support.

Throughout the process, you’ll be surrounded by people who mean well but who won’t be able to grasp the depth of your pain or offer ways to cope with the divorce you didn’t want.

Oftentimes, these well-meaning friends or colleagues will encourage you to do things you know deep down aren’t the best options for you to do.

They may be super fun at the moment and totally distract you from the things you’d rather forget (ie: gathering your financial documents for your attorney). But in the long-run, unless your life is running at peak performance, most of us can’t escape the pain and pressure of separating for too long.

In all honesty, I love South Beach – I have fond memories of playing in Miami during my separation. I experienced some of the best days there. They were a complete distraction from the pain and loss. They also totally destroyed me when those fun days ended and I had to get back to the reality of recreating my life.

No one knows what you’re personally up against when you’re separating. Remembering that you, and you alone, are responsible for your decisions goes a really long way toward helping you cope with the experience, no matter how painful it may be.

Tip #2: You can’t chase a feeling forever!

Stay away from those who put up with being angry, hurt, depressed, and on it after their divorces. (News flash: they’re in a lot of pain.) Surround yourself with those who are moving on in a positive direction. It pains me to see people stuck in Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™. My heart breaks for people unable to make the courage, to get up and out of their own way. I get it. I know it’s difficult but, you can move in the right direction and heal from your divorce, even if you didn’t want it to begin with.

Tip #3: Surround yourself with positive and uplifting people even when you’re not as happy about life as they are.

We all need a dose of sunshine on a daily basis. Sometimes we think we can handle being blue. The problem is that during a divorce, there’s a lot of blue feelings… you’ll want to pace yourself: have some time during the day or during a week to process the feelings, then you’ve got to turn around and get moving.

Many times people freeze instead of moving forward because they’re afraid of making another mistake. One mistake that’ll cost you is avoiding dealing with your divorce. Including processing the feelings.

The worst mistake of all, not healing enough to see that you’re looking for familiar comfort meaning, you pick a lover who’s exactly like the person you just left.

When you first separate, you’ll most likely gravitate towards those who feel familiar. Over time, you’ll most likely realize these new people are exactly like those you just left. (Which is why the divorce rate goes up not down, for those who’ve been married in the past.)

I hate that statistic (but it’s true). I hate that I went through 2 divorces as an adult. I can get down on myself about not understanding what it took to heal from my separation and heartache. But knowing what I now know, to cope with a divorce you don’t want, we all have to do things differently.

Those who’ve been divorced in the past but who are now engaged in deliberately understanding the experience are good to be around. No one leaves a marriage, chooses a new mate and deliberately tries to hurt themselves or their families again, but because we don’t go to divorce school, it happens all too often.

Tip #4: You’ve got to understand this modern-day rite of passage.

There’s no escaping the lesson. We like to think we’ve got it – we want to blame the breakdown on the partner who wanted out. So, moving forward, we imagine picking someone who has the same values as we do. Someone who takes care of themselves, who won’t nitpick, who’ll accept all of the things we do. Which means we’ve got this all figured out. Because in reality, the healing isn’t about the new partner… healing is an inside job.

That partner has nothing to do with how you’re coping with your divorce or with the rest of your life.

I meet a lot of divorced people. Some are happy with their lives, some are even happily married. Many are not. Many cringe when I ask about new relationships. There’s often embarrassment. They admit to being lonely and unsure of what the future brings.

There are those who have moved on only to find themselves still stuck in reliving the past. And there are those who unknowingly pretend their divorce didn’t affect them.

How you handle stress and change will be a big indicator of how you’ll manage the onslaught of changes divorce brings with it. But everyone has a few scars. I have yet to meet anyone who’s been married and divorced, even divorced and married again who doesn’t.

Tip #5: We’re not immune to the pain of separation and heartache.

Going through your separation, you may struggle to find a way to punish your ex. After all, they’re the ones who wanted out! But unfortunately, trying to enact judgment (bad-mouthing the other parent to your kids, gossiping, whining, carrying-on at parent-teacher meetings, demanding huge amounts of money) doesn’t help anyone. Especially you.

One of the most difficult lessons to grasp is that you don’t get to punish someone who wants to leave you. No matter why or for what reason.

Tip #6: You don’t get to play God.

It took a few false steps forward for A. It was tough to learn she wasn’t allowed to always punish and demand. She would take a step forward and be hit with another, tough blow. First from the attorney, then the courts, then the parenting coordinator. Each step forward was an attempt to punish her ex for leaving her and their kids. However, after many months of heartache, she began to release her grip on trying to keep things the way they once were.

It’s not easy to let go and learn to accept a separation and divorce when you didn’t want it. You will have to learn how to cope with this rite of passage. And no one likes change!

The best way to manage the seemingly never-ending roller coaster of emotions is to learn how to respect them. You may find yourself upset one moment but not the next. You will learn when you’ve experienced enough indulging and when it’s time to move on with your day.

There is no straight-line through this. More like twists and turns, backward and forwards, ups and downs. Having a support structure is key. Understanding how to cope with the loss paramount.

At a certain point, you’ll be ready to move on and begin to imagine having a new love. It may not feel easier, but when you learn the art of coping with a divorce you don’t want, many things in life begin to fall into place. Your resilience becomes stronger, your faith in others, your trust in yourself. At a certain point, you get to look in the mirror and declare to no one in particular (other than yourself…)

Tip #7: You’ve got this!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to cope with the loss of your marriage, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com.

Worried Your Ex Will Hurt You Financially? Here Are 6 Questions To Explore With Your Attorney

February 23, 2018

Too often people enter the experience of separation and divorce with little to no understanding of their financial circumstances. People often stay in a bad marriage because they’re afraid of finances. When you have some sense of what’s going on, it’s easier to take the next step. Worried your ex will hurt you financially? Here are 6 questions to explore with your attorney. These questions and what they bring up for you and your family will help you develop coping skills to deal with your divorce.

Finances 101: I don’t understand our family finances, will my ex hurt me financially?

Most people have a gut sense of what to do when they begin considering separation. Many safe deposit boxes have been opened to store cash just in case. Sometimes the groceries just don’t cost as much as they usually do. Often an item or two is sold without a spouse’s knowledge. And of course, going back to school or beginning to work again is a usual route for preparing for the future.

But none of that matters if you’ve been blindsided by your spouse or in the dark about how much it costs to run your home. Those beginning weeks and months can seem pretty intimidating to those unaware.

My recommendation is to begin to ask questions early and often.

I was so naive! I knew nothing about my family finances. While I was going through my separation and divorce, I had to quickly learn what to do and how to do it.

I would have this recurring dream of stopping every young person on the street and asking them if they knew how to handle money: Did they understand how to build wealth? Did they understand interest? Compounded interest? Debt? Mortgages and HELOCs? I was a wife who didn’t and those first few weeks and months of my separation were filled with fear.

Fear of money is one of the worst feelings ever. But this I now know: you will learn how to run your home. Focus on learning and you’ll learn how to even manage your money. Over time, you’ll begin to keep a budget, start a new career, and figure it out. I did.

Here are 6 questions to explore with your attorney:

Your attorney is most likely, a family law attorney who has legal training with some idea of divorce-related financial decisions. They’re going to ask for lots of documents: tax returns, bank statements, profit and loss statements. They need to know the cost of running your home. You’ll gather that information from your credit cards and personal habits. But sometimes, you’ll need outside counsel. While interviewing your attorney, ask them:

Will I need to hire a new financial advisor? 2) Do you recommend I get a CDFA? (Certified Divorce Financial Analyst) Make sure you interview a few additional professionals so that when things get frustrating or frightening, you know you’ve selected someone you trust.

If you’re wondering why you may need to add to your team, think of it this way: your attorney is only one piece of your new team. And you will need a new team to help you make your new life.

Your family home: Should I keep my home in lieu of retirement accounts or other cash assets?

The most emotionally charged questions usually have to do with the family home. You’ll want to grasp what it takes to actually run this home… how much it costs to keep it up? (Think roof, walls, paint, property, and that furnace!) A contractor and even a real estate agent can help you consider future costs.

You need to understand how much that retirement account is worth. HR Departments, pension offices, insurance agents and your financial advisors will help you figure out what your portion of the investment comes out to be.

Ask if you’re entitled to things like bonuses, airline miles or even life insurance policies. I advise, asking a lot of questions before jumping to keep your home.

I’m so grateful I didn’t own a home to fight over. But my children still remember the home we had as a family and miss it dearly. I won’t lie, that pulls at my heartstrings. But, owning a home for emotional reasons… the evidence of success, the lifestyle you shared, the memories you made, where your children grew up… and then not being able to afford it is devastating. It may be better, and I only propose this thought, to change everything all at once. That way everyone gets a fresh start with this new chapter of their lives.

Family Business: We have a family business, what do I do now?

The possibility of losing the place where you may have worked at the same time your marriage is falling apart is tough. I truly hope you will get yourself some support in understanding the business. Do you know what the profit and loss statement looks like? How can you find out where all the money is? Do you know how it comes in and how it’s spent? Do you have access to old tax returns and financial records?

A Forensic Accountant will help an attorney who is in over their head. (Most attorneys don’t manage private family businesses.) A Forensic Accountant can help you understand the books. I advise you to not take anything for granted. Business liabilities may be a part of your settlement, you may be bought out, you may set up a way to continue working as a silent partner. There may be back taxes you might owe.

None of these decisions will be easy and may require additional business attorneys to work out. These are important questions to ask your attorney. Do not be concerned with advocating for what you need and hiring as much help as you can to gather the information necessary to help with negotiations.

Stay at home spouse: I stayed home raising our children while she went to work at her own business, what am I entitled to?

Fortunately, family law attorneys understand many of the state laws that provide for maintenance and child support for the stay-at-home spouse. Unfortunately, these figures don’t take into account the lifestyle you once had. Your attorney will most likely negotiate lifestyle, not your accountant. This is where many people start to panic, it’s where lifestyle changes like going back to work can be very upsetting.

Being a single mom or dad with a career or those returning to school while needing to run a home, may feel overwhelming. I also know from experience that it’s doable. Think of it as showing your children how to take responsibility for their lives. You’re showing them it’s never too late to learn new skills, to start over, to make a difference or to give back. They’re watching the spirit with which you strike out on your own. I’m proud of the new careers and the work I’ve done since being divorced. My children are proud of me too.

Hiding Money: What do I do if I suspect they’re hiding money?

For far too many people I know going through a divorce, hiding money is always top of mind. If you suspect your spouse is hiding money (and chances are that they are) it’s important to discuss how you’ll find it. This is where your attorney may suggest hiring a Private Eye to search out recent bank accounts, aliases, unpaid taxes, unexplained assets, etc.

The private eyes I know are competent professionals, former police officers, and people I would have over for dinner, not cartoon characters out of some B movie. With the internet, it’s way too easy to quickly move money around. You’ll need help in tracking down suspicious spending or some unexplained balances in a bank account or credit card statement.

Financial Costs of Divorce: Should I remove money out of our Joint Account?

The thing about financial fraud is that the IRS will be looking into your divorce as well. Your family law attorney may hint at this but in truth, I think the IRS likes to hang around courthouses. Don’t be surprised if a year or two later, you have an audit. I warn you because you may think your ex-made a phone call. (And they may have.) But many people who end up in court are audited. I myself went through two audits – one at the same time as my trial! It’s not fun. The stress is high. To get through it, you need the help of a competent accountant.

I know this conversation might be stirring you up a bit. Finances are not always fun and the fear in divorce is already running high for most people. Worried your ex will hurt you financially? I get it! Even when you understand some of the finances, we worry. It’s our biggest fear, and perhaps the reason you’ve stayed in a less than happy marriage. No one wants to be divorced and broke.

But, I also hold out a lot of hope. I have the hope you can find happiness and that you’ll learn about how you live a comfortable lifestyle knowing how you spend. You’ll learn what things are most important and how you want to show up for your kids. Over time, you’ll figure out how you want to live out the rest of your days. Discussions about money and finances reflect your life. And your life is important. You will not be broke after your divorce if you start to have these difficult conversations and make some adjustments. This I know for sure!