Dating

Are You Afraid To Flirt? How To Win Big With Others

April 11, 2019

Flirting is the art of keeping intimacy at a safe distance

Flirting is seemingly fraught with so much misunderstanding. Especially today in the #metoo era. My work as an actor was all about having fun when we weren’t on the soundstage taping scenes. So last night during my group class, my students said perhaps it’s time to explore the topic a bit more … How to win big with others depends on what you understand about flirting.

Depending upon your culture and experience, flirting can go way beyond propriety and socially acceptable behavior. Especially if you’re already in a committed relationship.

How often have you been accused of wanting to cheat because of getting caught flirting with someone else?

The misunderstanding is understandable especially when, in your attempt to get a phone number or to take a relationship to the next level, you’re making eye contact with that special someone. That twinkle in your eye is as much about your DNA as it is about wanting more…

People flirt for a variety of reasons.

I was taught that flirting is a great way to lift the spirits of those you’re with – the complete opposite of being brash and out of line! Whereas, the concept of flirting historically began as a way of indicating sexual attraction without coming right out and saying so. Which is why I think it can be so confusing.

But flirting doesn’t need to lead to courtship.

Just because someone is friendly doesn't mean they're flirting.

It can be fun, playful. A way to share your good mood with anyone! (How often do small children tease and play, and trifle with us!?!) Enjoying another’s company can encourage a new friendship. Or it can be part of courtship and lead to more intimacy.

You’re going to flirt to let someone know you’re interested in them.

But in order to lift the spirits of those you’re with, you’re also going to let them know you want them to feel better. Sharing your good spirits doesn’t have to be anything more than having fun. Enjoying your day and sharing that fun with those around you. It doesn’t require touching, cursing or even hard pressed forcing.

Just remember that flirting and friendship are always a mutual experience!

When someone is flirting with you.. please cooperate.

You know when you’ve gone too far or your intentions aren’t simply to express your good mood. Your committed partner knows it too. Flirting can be fun or it can be about so much more. But judgment aside, it doesn’t have to be full of evil intent or over the top cad-like behavior. Ever.

Why Dating After Divorce Is Easier For A Man (And 4 Lessons To Learn From Him)

May 10, 2018

Common wisdom is that dating after divorce for a man is easier than for a woman. Women always marvel at this resilience and seemingly a man’s need to pair up. Many men also blame their desire to find a mate with the idea that they need to find a mate. I disagree. We’re all wired differently and understanding the differences and similarities between men and women helps us take a step back from the personal attacks about dating after divorce. There is some truth to why dating after divorce is easier for a man and here are 4 lessons for the rest of us to learn from him.

I’m around a lot of divorced men (and women) and sometimes common wisdom is more like common misunderstanding. To a certain extent, there’s some truth… men do find dating after a divorce easier than women by and large. But I’m sorry, that’s also not always the case.

Men, by and large, have this innate ability to compartmentalize their pain. They’re more able to shrug off a bad evening. And this ability to do so works for better and for worse. In the case of dating, it makes them more resilient and more courageous. They’re more willing to chalk up a bad date as simply a bad date while they look for another person to pair up with instead of taking it personally.

But often times guys also suffer feeling alone just like the rest of us. There’s no such thing as some blanket invulnerability men have. The men I work with feel the pain and the loss, but they don’t dwell there emotionally the way women do (way too often). They don’t take rejection quite as personally. They usually pick up their broken hearts and move on. Women, by and large, don’t.

Why dating after divorce is easier for a man? Here are 4 lessons to learn from him.

1. compartmentalize our pain:

Women bond with one another by sharing what’s going on in their lives. They connect by catching up with the stories of their lives: their kids, their spouses, what’s happening at work. And of course, the latest date. The date is where we like to focus our attention… kids are great but if you’re not a mom, it’s a lot easier to connect with your colleague or friend by talking about falling in and out of love.

We love to talk about falling in and out of love.

We spend hours talking about love and all its permutations. Which is why women have a more difficult time letting go of the latest heartbreak. We feel the rejection deeply and we keep it going by rehashing the same sob story.

It would be better for women to take this lesson from men and learn why dating after divorce requires some compartmentalizing of our pain. We all have to compartmentalize the pain of our divorce – leaving the war stories until trust is built. Why not compartmentalize the disappointment of a series of bad dates instead of catching everyone up at work about generalized ideas about the opposite sex?

2. shrug off a bad evening:

When a man has a bad date or is ghosted by a date he’s interested in, he might grumble about the cost of the evening. He may also have this momentary sense that there aren’t any good women out there. But by and large, the guys I get reports from, simply re-rack and get back out there. That Y chromosome changes everything.

When a woman has a bad date or if that man she’s interested in doesn’t ask her out again, she feels it deeply. Personally. Which stinks because we’re simply not responsible for how others react to us. The combination of chemistry, communication, and even just compatibility is real. Dr. Patricia Allen says all three must be present in order to have the potential of a good relationship.

Even for a man, dating after divorce for a man the face of disappointment and rejection, it’s not easy to remember the greater forces at play.

I had a date over two years ago with a man who never took me out again. With two small children, had we connected, I would be helping to raise his children. In the heat of the moment, I was all in with my fantasy. When he didn’t ask me out again, I took it personally forgetting about the fact that he and I are in two totally different places in our lives. Taking the rejection personally hardly helped my self-esteem. I felt embarrassed by my attraction and unwanted instead of shrugging it off and looking for a new guy.

3. resilience and courage:

There are a lot of people in this world. I used to say, out of billions of human beings, I really only need one man to show up and be in my life. Just one. As I’ve matured and fallen in and out of love with several men, my understanding of love has also grown. I’ve learned that we all have the potential to meet and love many people.

Which is why watching men date is inspiring. The guys I know fall in and out of love quickly and oftentimes, completely. They’re either in love or not. Which, if you’re the woman wanting love from a man who isn’t returning the sentiment, can be pretty tough. But watching men date and love has given me a front-row seat to how women need to move on.

Love will come and love will go.

We could do well to say a blessing or two, give them to a higher power and ask for help ourselves. Just the way friendships grow, change, go away, and fade. Life is a continuous cycle of new inspiration if we let it be. This is what I find inspiring about watching guys date after divorce. They are all in… seeking, searching, looking for love.

Dating after divorce is easier for a man because they often know everyone leaving a marriage is looking for love.

Why else leave? The concept that there is love available… one person, two, is a worthy thing to remember. It keeps us going. Seeking… searching for the next true love. Will they be your soulmate or my the one who wounds your heart? Only time will tell, but the courage to seek is the source for the quest. In many ways, the seeking and how you go about doing so becomes more important than getting that soulmate. And that’s where men excel.

Women searching, seeking with a dose of courage rather than being resigned and guarded, do best. It takes real energy and enthusiasm to make any relationship work. Dating has to be peppered with those ingredients right from the start. Without resilience and courage, the disappointments can rack up and leave the savviest of women staying home on a Friday night. If you’re looking for love, you can’t stay home.

4. stop dwelling:

After a divorce, you know all about disappointments! There hasn’t been a single person I’ve worked with who can’t run through a litany of stories describing and justifying why the opposite sex causes disappointments. However, the men I work with tend to brush those fears – they really are stories about being afraid of being hurt again – to the side.

In the marketplace, no one can go through their career without disappointment, rejection, loss, fear, and the need for resilience. Guys get this in spades. Women, as the culture reflects and people way smarter than I have written, often have a more difficult time with competition despite having excelled in all sorts of competitive arenas.

There’s no way any of us would be successful in the marketplace if we kept dwelling on disappointment or rejection.

As an actress, I have had thousands of auditions at this point but have only booked a few handfuls of roles. If I brought that disappointment or rejection into every audition, I couldn’t stay in the arena. But I don’t. I’ve learned not to take things so personally.

Which is why remembering why dating after divorce is easier for a man and learning these 4 lessons from him is so important. All of us have to move on. There are too many people on the planet to get caught up in the one who got away. Sure, it takes courage and a sense of resilience and sure, it’s not easy in the face of losing a marriage, but like a man, it’s time to get into the dating arena with enthusiasm and find new love.

As my coach, Mastin Kipp reminds us, “what misses us was never for us and what’s for us will never miss us.”

If you’re having trouble dating after divorce and would like an easier time, doingDivorce™ School is open for enrollment. Reach out and set up a complimentary call.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

Scared of Dating After Divorce? You Should Be

April 5, 2018

Scared of Dating After Divorce? You Should Be If you’re like many people leaving an unhappy marriage, I believe that you’re on a quest, looking for love. So naturally, dating after divorce features prominently in the hearts and minds of those separating. Love is our calling card and those in the midst of breakups are in desperate need of love.

Often times, dating means finding new sex, comfort, maybe even evidence that you’re just fine and ready for the rest of what life has to offer.

Unfortunately, for many, that optimism is short-lived especially after a series of uncomfortable dates or needy love-making. Are you scared of dating after divorce? You should be if you’re unprepared and misguided.

Let’s assume you want to find the perfect soulmate or at least someone you can have great sex with. (Usually, these are the knee-jerk reactions for dating after divorce).The issue isn’t that having sex or finding a soulmate is wrong – I am not saying, don’t have sex.

It’s thinking that dating or sleeping with someone means you’re fine, healthy, ready to dance the jig.

Don’t imagine you can handle moving out or living alone without any emotional repercussions. Or that the negotiations are going perfectly, and you have plenty of intellectual bandwidth to entertain a new lover. When people are cut off from their emotions or self-awareness, they go down the “I’m great” road. They forget going through a divorce is hard.

Let’s assume you care about others and this period of time is a little tough for you. (News flash: I like these ground rules best.) It also sets you up to be coachable and available for new love when the timing is right.

When you first leave a marriage, you’re used to the kind of person you just left.

This is no fault of yours consciously, it’s simply the way you’ve been wired and the effect of the amount of time you’ve spent with this partner.

So naturally, when you meet new people, those most like your ex are going to be the most comfortable. You’ll also not see this in any obvious fashion – it usually doesn’t show up until that new relationship ends. But eventually, you’ll notice it which is why dating after divorce, those first few hook-ups Scared of Dating After Divorce? You Should Be usually add more fuel to the fire of a broken heart.

I remember my first forays dating after divorce. I knew that those I usually gravitated to were the worst for me. And even though there was an attraction, the flirting and sex would eventually get me into hot water. Time after time, I noticed that even though they looked different, had different levels of education, different body types or hair color ultimately, unconsciously, they were just the same: controlling, needy, wanting me to be a certain way. And inevitably, the relationship would end. Thank goodness I understood the growth trajectory of dating after divorce.

There’s this period when you have to learn who you are in the present, away from the courtship, the marriage, the fight.

You have to get to know who you are again on your own. What makes you happy? Turns you on? What kind of food do you prefer to eat? TV shows do you really want to watch? How do you like to spend your weekends?

As you become reacquainted with yourself after divorce, you have to become willing to date a lot of different people. It’s part of the new experiment. Which can also lead to more broken hearts.

If you’re committed to finding a soulmate, you’re going to hurt a little longer if you rush into dating after divorce quickly.

Most people are not ready for a speedy commitment right away. There are those leaving marriages who want to ignore commitment. They’re tired of all the negotiations. They want a break from compromising.

Falling in love is not without the stages of negotiation that are inherent in every relationship. If you’re just looking to make love, tell someone. But if you’re pretending to want a relationship and unwilling to go through the stages of negotiating the terms of your commitment, really just wanting sex, you’ll break a lot of hearts.

I suggest you use the entire sentence: “I really like you, want to spend time with you, have sex with you… etc. but I’m not emotionally ready for a committed relationship.”

These days, we have sex out of marriage – shocker! Obviously not, but the shock comes when men and women misread the opposite sex. There are plenty of men and women willing to engage in having sex without needing a relationship. What they want is communication. What your potential lover wants, is to have a fair chance to make the decision for themselves, not be promised one thing and then ghosted after a few months. (Doing so just adds to their past betrayals and re-injures their broken hearts.)

I am constantly amazed at the fortitude people have after divorce – especially dating after divorce!

Their desire to get it right, their need for companionship, their misguided sense of being able to live on their own, and their willingness to persevere – to find what they’re looking for and to go on date after date in order to do so.

In order to handle dating after divorce, you’ll want to remember that everyone you meet has a past. That they’re doing the best they can and that most likely, you can’t help them heal on your own. You get to add delight to their lives: you get to be charming, kind, and romantic. You get to show up speaking in full sentences and communicating where you are in the process.

Scared of Dating After Divorce? You Should Be You don’t get to pretend romance, sex, and the oxytocin hormone (that love/bonding hormone) means you’ve found your soulmate (that would be super naive). Equally, you don’t get to pretend you can manage being single the rest of your life… ah, you might want to check out being stuck and Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™.

In order to handle dating after divorce, you have to know that you, yourself need time to heal.

There will be a time, once you do your work, when you’ll be ready for all that relationships have to offer. Including, the negotiating stages, the commitment, and possibly even marriage again. But without being informed and on the right track, you will find the experience hard, even scary.

Develop an awareness of who you are today and what you want.
Learn what dating means in this online dating world. Grasp the number of dates you’ll most likely go on (often between 100-300!)
Learn what uncommitted sex looks like when you are the one falling in love!
Trust you’re on the right path when you’re able to manage the loneliness and loss of your marriage. This occurs when you stop using others to make the pain go away.
Believe that love is possible. It’s what we do when we’re at our best, so try not to pretend you don’t need it.

If these suggestions seem difficult on your own, consider my daily emails to help you understand what you’re up against and doingDivorce™ School (Enrollment starts April 23rd!). I believe you do not need to be afraid of dating after divorce. You do, however, need to take some time to heal. You’ll want to understand the love you have to offer yourself and others.

Dating As A Single Dad? Here’s 3 Things To Know Before Introducing Your New Love To Your Kids

March 7, 2018

Single dads, single men, often want to rush into relationships during their separations and after their divorce with such frequency that it becomes a sort of cliche. As a woman, I don’t always get it dating as a single dad. What is the rush? Why rush into a commitment when everything else in their lives is upside down? Children, typically, don’t get it either. Children have the hardest time dealing with their father’s new relationships especially if those relationships are being forced upon them. If you’re a single dad and you’re dating, here are 3 things to know before introducing your new love to your kids.

Here are 3 things to know before introducing your new love to your kids.

Dating as a single dad, please have as much fun and all the sex you want while your kids are with their other parent, but when the children are with you, remember this: they need to be your #1 priority. You need time to re-build or re-create your relationships with them away from their mother before they’re capable of welcoming someone new into your life.

Your children need to trust you again; to know that no matter what happens, you’ll be there for them unconditionally whether they push it or not. (I never said this was going to be easy!)

1) Single dad, those kids of yours want and need your attention.

Your kids know that trust is earned, it’s not rewarded. They’ll dole out trust carefully. You can’t expect them to trust someone they don’t know (especially if you’ve raised them well!) and this is where your feelings could get hurt.

I realize that children are all different, but they’re still coping with your family’s divorce. Bringing someone new into their lives and expecting them to immediately trust this new adult because you’re having sex or are seriously considering marrying them, doesn’t mean your child is on the same page. I recently heard a teen say this about her father’s latest girlfriend: “I’ve met her about 6 times… she’s nice but I’ve spent more time with my bus driver than I have with her.”

2) Your role, single dad, is to parent and to love them.

When children live with different parents, essentially having two homes, there’ll be twice as much stuff they’ll have to deal with. I’m often asked what to do with the child who sides with the other parent? My answer is usually, always, the same: love them where they’re at.

As kids, they’re testing, trying to win your attention, your approval. They manipulate and use adults the same way you did! They know what buttons to push and how much trouble you can handle them getting into.

Why rush into a commitment when everything else in your life is upside down?

We’ve all seen enough after-school movies to know what a child will do to get their parents to see them. Your role, as a parent, is to also raise them to be competent, productive members of society. (Ideally, we need children to be competent adults for the good of all). Often your child is simply testing just how far they can push. They want to know how long you’ll back them up. But just as often, kids will sense during the pushing and the manipulating, the needing of attention, whether you still love them. Or not. You know this too. You know that unconditional love is something we’ve all craved; to know that no matter what’s really going on – the amount of trouble or punishment – you still believe in them.

I have spent time in the police department with my son. As a parent, I may not have liked what was going on, but no matter what, I love the man I know my son is capable of being. I let him know that I wasn’t happy about the circumstances but that I had his back and we’d figure it out. Now, I’m not an expert with the police as some parents are, but I do get that my anger only goes so far. Loving my children during the difficult times is way more important than loving them during the easy ones. And any parent who forgets that love is equally if not more important, will lose out in all their relationships.

3) Single dads, your new love will need to be patient.

There’s a lot of truth to having patience. As a child with step-parents, it wasn’t easy to fall in love with my step-dad or step-mom. After all, they weren’t my biological parents. Even though eventually I did fall in love with both of them, at first and for many years, it wasn’t easy.

Dating As A Single Dad? Here's 3 Things To Know Before Introducing Your New Love To Your Kids

Despite the fighting at home, having a new adult in the family was an adjustment. And visiting my dad and his new family was awkward and unfamiliar more often than not. There’s still a formality in my relationship with my step-mom even though I’ve confided in her, sought her advice, and leaned on her for years. She and my step-dad did everything they could for me and my brothers and sisters. We were the lucky ones!

Saying all that, however, I’m still not sure how much love they felt from us. I’m not sure they always enjoyed having my brothers and sisters underfoot, and I’m not positive they always felt wanted and adored. In truth, these things take time to build.

Children have the hardest time dealing with their father’s new relationships

When you bring a new adult into your children’s lives, they have to be the kind of adult that can put kids’ needs first without expecting much in return. Coping with divorce, kids don’t form the same kind of relationships as adults do with their new lovers. It’s an impossible task to Dating As A Single Dad? Here's 3 Things To Know Before Introducing Your New Love To Your Kids expect kids to be able to bond as quickly as you do.

So this new adult in their lives, this new lover of yours, has to be willing to put up with a lot before expecting much respect, love, admiration or even manners in return. We don’t live in a culture where those rules really apply anymore and even if you want your kids to be polite or your family home is strict, be careful of setting yourself up for failure.

If you’re dating as a single dad, don’t rush things.

I watch my children closely. It’s easy for me to remember how it felt when my mom and then my dad brought home my step-parents. To recall how the new rules in each home took some time to learn. Some of us really balked at them which of course just set everyone up for more arguments. It wasn’t smooth sailing for a very long time.

When my kids talk to me about their fathers’ relationship I have to keep a really open mind. I’m not in his home anymore and I don’t know his lover. So I listen from the perspective of an adult who was once in their shoes. They are viewing things from their perspective, not their dad’s. I know it’s tough on them, there are new expectations and new rules. This woman hasn’t earned their trust and they haven’t bonded with her the way he has. Her presence is uncomfortable and confusing.

Trust is earned.

But I also know that over time, if she’s patient and kind they will learn to like her. If she continually shows up for my kids, and their dad is able to put our children first, they will learn to even love her. She will become a part of their lives and share memories with them. Separate from me. I not only know that, I welcome that for my kids.

I always felt that step-parents and new relationships were about having more love in one’s life. (It’s the only way I let my children have a nanny, go to sleep away camp and to go away to college!) It’s the same with new lovers and if you remember while dating as a single dad that your kids are working through their first divorce and new relationships, over time, everyone will experience more love in their lives.

Can You Get Them to Marry Again? What REALLY Happens When Marrying After Divorce is a Deal Breaker.

February 3, 2018

What happens when the marriage thing is a No-Go after a divorce? Can you get them to marry again or is it a deal breaker? Are you the partner ready for love, completely committed and eager for them to say “yes” to a lifetime contract? Or are you the one who’s still reeling… I mean healing, after having suffered through a divorce or two? The conflict between those who want a marriage commitment and those who are still suffering from Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™ is real.

What really happens when marrying after divorce is a deal breaker?

This is important to understand especially when it comes to personal needs, values, desires, and fear. Coupling up after divorce isn’t as romantic as one wants to believe especially when you don’t understand what you’re up against. Still thinking you can get them to marry you? I argue you can’t.

If you’re the one dating the divorcé, you’re going to want to understand what you’re up against.

There’s no amount of nursing that will take a broken-hearted, angry, scared individual and magically be the one who’ll make them view their futures differently. It takes way more perspective and work then you’re aware of. Wide-eyed and in love, you think your love will heal the broken-hearted man or woman you’re with. I remember those feelings acutely… all I wanted to do was love him to health. Boy was I wrong!

The reason isn’t that you don’t love them or that they don’t love you. The problem is that they’re operating from a different set of rules. We, as a culture, have yet to grasp a universal process for the loss, loneliness, and grief that divorce brings. This loss affects everyone going through the experience – young, old, wealthy or not, any color – there’s no race parameters for divorce – a parent or not.

The process for overcoming Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™ has nothing to do with falling in love again. That’s why you won’t get them to marry you. And why dating a wounded divorced individual is such a painful kind of love.

You have to think long and hard about sacrificing your values and needs in order to keep them comfortable and safe.

Relationships aren’t supposed to be safe from our heart-centered fears. They’re supposed to help us open up, step into the strength of our vulnerability, and overcome our most cherished doubts. That’s a tall order for someone who’s just had their broken-heart dragged through a courtroom or mediator’s office.

As a divorcé, you’re going to be cautious about falling in love.

Those fragile whispers of “I love you” have nothing to do with the passion of having sex. We can easily connect sexually. You may even truly enjoy your partner’s love, affection, and attention. But when confronted with your lover’s need to marry, to commit, that’s when your fears raise their ugly head.

Perhaps you think there’s something wrong with you. You imagine you’re broken (well you are but only heart-broken). In truth, you’re more confused, overwhelmed, or scared than you are damaged. There’s nothing inherently wrong with you that another divorced adult can’t grasp.

The problem isn’t that you’re the one who’s wrong or that your lover is wrong. It’s just that you’re the one who has to do the work to heal. To put yourself squarely in the face of your pain and deal with it in a safe environment.

The loneliness, loss, and pain of divorce do not automatically go away with a new lover, a promotion at work or a new home and even a new family.

Divorce doesn’t work that way. And up until now, rarely do we talk about that fact. We just assume, if we’re still scared, there’s something wrong with us. Nothing could be further from the truth!

As the one in love with a broken-hearted divorcé, all you want is to have your love and affection for them, your support and understanding to be enough.

Sure you love the passion, especially since they probably came out of a sexless marriage. But you don’t understand why you feel this underlying anxiety. You’re confused by their on-again, off-again attention, why they seem totally there in person but disappear when you’re out of sight.

When you date a man or woman who’s gone through or is going through a difficult divorce, you become the respite from their anger and fighting. You’re the distraction from the disappointment and pain of breaking up a family. You’re the playmate for a fun weekend away, playing hooky from the office or a romantic evening away from their kids. You help them immensely since the stress of a divorce can take down the strongest among us.

As the playmate, the distraction, their feelings for you are real.

Genuine even. However, the pace with which you want that commitment to come and the time it takes to heal their hearts (if they’re doing any sort of work, to begin with) will not be in sync. Most of the time, you’ll be the one who suffers waiting. You’ll want to be understanding and compassionate, to not make waves and to tolerate their emotional unavailability. You’ll talk yourself out of that gut feeling, you’ll bend over backward even more to keep their attention.

There’s little more you can do.

You see it’s not you. You’re lovely; kind, warm, understanding. You’re probably terrific with their kids and great with their parents. Their friends think you’re the best thing for them… much better than the spouse they just left.

With divorce, shame and fear get to run rampant. You can’t shake a divorcée ’s inner beliefs. You can’t redefine how they view the breakup of their marriages or their families. That’s their inner healing work to do. The truth is, that when you’re the distraction, you also can’t be the one who calls them on their stuff. It doesn’t work that way and that’s the anxiety you’re feeling. You know that to be true.

When you’re in love with someone healing from Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™ ; when you love a man or woman struggling with separation and divorce; when you see their best but can’t get them to commit to you for the rest of your lives, do your best to let go.

Until this person you love commits to figuring out how to heal, they can’t be there for you emotionally. Would you have a pitcher with a broken right arm be pitching in the Championship game? Didn’t think so.

People coming out of a divorce are deeply wounded.

They need love and affection. They need others to be patient and kind. But in truth, they also need to decide to heal, to take down the mask of perfection and allow the feelings of vulnerability to be exposed so that they can heal their broken heart.

Choosing to do so is a personal decision and the longer a divorcé is distracted and having fun, the longer it’ll take for them to feel the pain and loss and get to work to feel better. I’m a big fan of doing the healing work and putting a failed marriage into perspective even as it’s dissolving. That way, when a divorcée does fall in love, there’s a real chance at a lasting union and an open willingness to say “I do” again.