Dating Rules for Men

Are You Afraid To Flirt? How To Win Big With Others

April 11, 2019

Flirting is the art of keeping intimacy at a safe distance

Flirting is seemingly fraught with so much misunderstanding. Especially today in the #metoo era. My work as an actor was all about having fun when we weren’t on the soundstage taping scenes. So last night during my group class, my students said perhaps it’s time to explore the topic a bit more … How to win big with others depends on what you understand about flirting.

Depending upon your culture and experience, flirting can go way beyond propriety and socially acceptable behavior. Especially if you’re already in a committed relationship.

How often have you been accused of wanting to cheat because of getting caught flirting with someone else?

The misunderstanding is understandable especially when, in your attempt to get a phone number or to take a relationship to the next level, you’re making eye contact with that special someone. That twinkle in your eye is as much about your DNA as it is about wanting more…

People flirt for a variety of reasons.

I was taught that flirting is a great way to lift the spirits of those you’re with – the complete opposite of being brash and out of line! Whereas, the concept of flirting historically began as a way of indicating sexual attraction without coming right out and saying so. Which is why I think it can be so confusing.

But flirting doesn’t need to lead to courtship.

Just because someone is friendly doesn't mean they're flirting.

It can be fun, playful. A way to share your good mood with anyone! (How often do small children tease and play, and trifle with us!?!) Enjoying another’s company can encourage a new friendship. Or it can be part of courtship and lead to more intimacy.

You’re going to flirt to let someone know you’re interested in them.

But in order to lift the spirits of those you’re with, you’re also going to let them know you want them to feel better. Sharing your good spirits doesn’t have to be anything more than having fun. Enjoying your day and sharing that fun with those around you. It doesn’t require touching, cursing or even hard pressed forcing.

Just remember that flirting and friendship are always a mutual experience!

When someone is flirting with you.. please cooperate.

You know when you’ve gone too far or your intentions aren’t simply to express your good mood. Your committed partner knows it too. Flirting can be fun or it can be about so much more. But judgment aside, it doesn’t have to be full of evil intent or over the top cad-like behavior. Ever.

Dealing With A Vindictive Ex? 4 Tips To Not Get Drawn Into Her Drama

September 28, 2018

The experience of looking over your shoulder after a breakup worried that your ex will sneak up behind you is way too familiar for most of us. TV dramas explore the repercussions of angry women out to seek revenge. Films, documentaries, and news programs give numerous exhibit A’s to any number of people dealing with a vindictive ex. I’ve been that ex – not the kind who successfully destroyed a man’s life but the kind who was so angry and hurt that she considered doing so. So here are 4 tips to not get drawn into her drama.

Dealing with a vindictive ex is not easy.

Anyone who’s been on internet dating sites knows there could easily be repercussions for a breakup. Many times a month, I work with men who worry about the ramifications of breaking up with a woman who just isn’t right. And many women fear equally, the thought of running into a man they’ve spurned. I am not of the mind that we shouldn’t be concerned. I know from first-hand experience that men and women alike can feel the effects of a breakup deeply. And as a result, the anger and primitive drive for survival can become unleashed. But there are ways to not get drawn into her drama.

Make a clean and respectful breakup.

I wish I had a time machine to redo the breakup stories shared with me. Too often men and women behave so badly during breakups that regrets, embarrassment, and stupidity raise their ugly heads. Way too often, someone cheats to implode a relationship. Usually awful things are said when commitments are broken and disparaging, embarrassing behavior occurs. It can be excruciating and infuriating to experience the cruelty so many people engage in to end a relationship. It doesn’t have to be that way.

Write one for the history books.

Chances are you will not have a vindictive ex to deal with if you handle your breakup well. There will be no drama to get drawn into if you break up with kindness and courtesy. If you state your thoughts and opinions kindly or carefully, you will lessen the opportunity for this ex to chase you down a dark alley. When you handle your breakups like a mature person (ahem… if you’re having sex, there’s an element of maturity present) you don’t come off as an easy target to take revenge upon.

You guys have it tough.

We women rage fast and hard. The fury of women has been known by men for centuries so I often wonder why guys set themselves up for it. This is where being kind and merciful with your breaking up comes into play. But what happens when you take all the necessary steps and carefully end a relationship that wasn’t working? What do you do then?

Endings mean not getting drawn into her drama.

I don’t understand all the pushback about blocking someone. What is it about the ability, never mind the opportunity we have, to block someone when a relationship is over? Is it needing a bevy of friendships or a chance to remain in communication so you seem as if you’re a good person? Is it because you don’t want to act like a dick? I’m fairly black and white when it comes to breaking up. Unless you’re parents of kids together, there’s very little to justify staying in touch with an ex.

You’re not being a good guy when you hypothetically (and actually) let her reach out to you during one of her drinking spells. You are not expected to receive angry or mean texts just because you broke up with someone you don’t want to be with. And you don’t have to account for why you chose to do so a week or a month down the road. She is responsible for her emotional well-being, not you. Saying that she’s also not there to make you feel better about yourself.

When you end a relationship, man up and end it.

Turf Wars

I dated this guy once who would take me to a club he used to go to with his other girlfriend. One particular evening we were there when all of a sudden he froze up, wouldn’t dance, and couldn’t wait to leave. It was strange and I couldn’t figure out what was going on until months later when I found out she was sitting at a table nearby. Rookie move.

Choose where you entertain a new date carefully. I would no more socialize with a new partner in the same restaurants I did with my ex than climb back into bed with him. Carefully creating boundaries is important especially if the woman you broke up with is passionate, angry or hurt. In other words, the kind of woman who once turned you on…

If you live in a small town and there are only one or two places to go, then you’d better get really good at dating women who live out of town or learn how to break up like a gentleman. We women talk. When you separate your life into geographic lines of defense, it may seem overly dramatic but having two women go at it in front of you isn’t the stuff of reality TV shows either.

What creates the kind of situation where you’re dealing with a vindictive ex?

Instead of simply ending the monogamous relationship one man had with me, he instead chose to cheat on me. And lie about it. It’s been said, “Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned,” In other words, watch out if you choose to cheat.

I can still taste the anger of that particular breakup. He was the guy who cheated on me over and over again. The man who lied to my face and used me to get through his divorce. The man-boy who felt entitled to have me in his life. When it ended, I was shaken to my core. Instead of enacting all the revenge I felt, I declared no man or woman needed to act that way and no woman or man I knew should ever have to experience such rage.

You do not need to create a vindictive ex.

You need to show up and speak up. You need to respect yourself and the women you choose to share your body with. You owe it to your future relationships to create safe separations so that you’re not at the receiving end of angry women who aren’t able of behaving when they’re around you. And these women include your ex-wives as well as your daughters.

Did I want to literally kill this man? Absolutely. However, I walked away. Got myself competent support. I figured out why I chose men who cheated on me. Those who weren’t emotionally available for committed relationships. I healed. Then I committed to coaching others going through this experience. Betrayal hurts.

Both men and women come to me with this pain to heal.

It doesn’t matter what age we are when we engage or want to engage in sexual relationships with others, we bond. We make an emotional and physical impression on one another and we owe it to ourselves to do so wisely. Too many people end up wasting time and money dating the wrong person and misread what’s really going on. You know who you are and intuitively, you also know something’s got to give.

You have the ability to choose safe women or men to love and have sex with. There’s a responsibility to be with people who are mature enough to do the hard stuff with you. Select wisely. Put your emotional and physical safety first. You do not ever need to deal with a vindictive ex when you take responsibilities for your actions and choices. After all, having sex with someone is a mature act, a loving act, an act of physical and emotional safety, not the stuff of children.

Dad, It’s OK To Not Know How To Date After Divorce

September 22, 2018

Dating after a breakup is fraught with conflicting feelings. On the one hand, you hope for true love or at least great sex, on the other, you’ve no idea where to begin. The thought of hooking up with a new lover at just the time you’re trying to figure out how to overcome the pain of separation confuses many of us. And parents, newly single parents, wrestle with this dilemma all the time. When you’re a single dad, dealing with a breakup like a divorce, you think the right approach to dating looks like internet dating, school playgrounds or pickups at a bar. But dad, it’s ok to not know how to date after divorce; in fact, being unsure of how to move on is actually healthy.

When you’re trying to figure out how to approach dating after divorce as a single dad, you want it to be easy. You want great sex. You desire a beautiful partner. You’re hoping for some fun or entertainment. But then you have your children.

Some single dads mistakenly rush the process hoping to glom onto the first woman they meet and force her into the role of stepmother. Many just want uncommitted sex. Some don’t know where to begin. Many are afraid of being hurt all over again. Most just want a break so they can overcome the pain and anxiety that accompany the change. Dating after divorce doesn’t need to be complicated. It needs clarity.

Your dating life can’t be your emotional processing center.

You can’t expect a new partner to be responsible for helping you get through your day. You and you alone are. Which is why you will responsibly want help from a coach or mental help professional. Your dating life is where you get to show up as whole. And during a breakup, most single dads and their kids aren’t whole. So you’ve got to become whole first before a great relationship (and often, great sex) can show up in your life. This takes time and energy. A real commitment to your well-being. Your health. This doesn’t fit that profile of the cool, single dad out to re-live his forgotten youth. This process describes a man who understands that his breakup and his children’s first divorce actually have emotional consequences and needs to be respected.

Figuring out where you are emotionally is essential.

At first, you’re not going to want to do that. And that is okay. It’s okay to not know how to date after your divorce. It’s even okay to have lousy sex or perhaps, the best sex of your life but not be able to commit to a relationship. In today’s culture, most of us are open to different forms of intimacy and can tolerate what’s going on without judgment. However, you’re the one who’s got ideas about what makes you a good dad and what makes you a good man. You’re the one bringing your stuff to your new dating life whether there’s the “best sex of your life” or not.

When I work with single dads, many of them respect the institution of marriage. They understand commitment and the rules of monogamous sex whether or not they also had affairs. They know that many women are open to having uncommitted sex but also, they get that such relationships probably aren’t sustainable. Many don’t want a committed relationship at this time. Most single dads reeling from a divorce get it. Which is why dating after divorce also becomes confusing. So let’s make this simple –

You’re using sex to overcome the pain.

Dating is a lot of things but mostly it’s about using sex to overcome the pain of the breakup. Everything else is secondary to a single dad dealing with a divorce. The confusion you bring to the experience is colored by ‘wanting a good woman to talk to’ ‘wanting her to look a certain way,’ wanting her to ‘meet your kids,’ and the biggy – ‘not wanting to hurt her’ when it all falls apart as it’s bound to do. When you rush the natural connection, you implode the opportunity to build a meaningful new love. When you deny the natural desire, you’re lying to yourself and to any potential new partner.

You can’t force getting over a breakup.

Mostly what I see, most single dads don’t know how to date after divorce because they don’t know how to deal with the loneliness. When they’re not with their kids, they’ll do anything and almost everything to avoid it. And this is where we on the outside need more compassion too. If a single dad became single because his wife died, the entire community would rally to help. The community would understand his pain and loss. People don’t usually rush in to help a single dad. Too often, he has to deal with the enormous changes (wanted or not) by himself. That loneliness adds to the confusion of knowing how to date after a divorce. It’s that loneliness or pain that’s being avoided. The natural grieving that accompanies all monumental change.

If you’re now more scared of dating after your break up now, you’re right with me. You really can simply add to the heartache you and your children are dealing with. The wrong person can make things more complicated for everyone. That single dad dating life can’t involve your kids.

She won’t like it.

With most of my single dad clients, a big struggle they deal with also includes the girlfriend who wants to take over and immerse herself in their life. As a result, my clients feel trapped all over again and begin to balk from the responsibility. Emotionally they’re simply not ready to commit. They know on the one hand they shouldn’t bring her into their kids’ lives too fast but on the other, they don’t want to hurt their new lover. They also really like having a warm body next to them at night. The intimacy feels right.

Too often, when kids are pressured into making it all work, the relationship falls apart. Forced intimacy isn’t healthy. The statistics for second or third divorces verify this pattern isn’t sustainable. In fact, it makes things so much worse for everyone in the long run.

Slow down the dating after divorce.

Resentments build up and misunderstandings take hold when a new partner forces a bond with step-kids. These relationships have to be properly nurtured and developed. In these circumstances, kids make life very difficult for their single dads. I see this time and time again.

When intimacy is forced or everyone pretends to play house together instead of clearly defining the boundaries and expectations, relationships crumble. And children develop trust issues having to confront their own fears later on in life.

There need be no rush to date after divorce.

There’s no rule that says you must develop an intimate relationship immediately. You don’t have to force a dynamic that doesn’t serve your kids or a new partner. You really don’t have to commit to someone just to have sex even if you were raised differently. What you must do is process your feelings and develop a new understanding of what’s going on. You must grieve the loss of your marriage away from your dating life. You have to figure out how to parent your kids on your own. And you must become whole again. When you do that, knowing how to date won’t be difficult.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

Hey Single Dad… 5 Signs The Single Women You’re Looking At Are Actually Interested

August 17, 2018

Dating for a single dad can be challenging. On the one hand, you want intimacy and fun. On the other, you’ve got kids and they make things more complicated. Fortunately, single women usually like kids and are actually interested in being a child’s confidante. This means, keep your chin up! 5 signs the single women you’re looking at are actually interested in you will give single dads a head’s up on how well they’re being received and what to look for.

Dating a man with kids is often super fun for single women. Not all women, sure. But for the majority, our DNA is wired to take care of others. Children included. You’ll know she’s into you by the way she responds (over and over again).

Let’s take a look at the obvious signs: she shows an interest by smiling, laughing with you, dressing up, and being pleasant. All the things we do when we’re interested in another person. But then there’s the interest in your children, the inquiries about their lives or the concern about how they’re doing.

On a cynical level, I believe we all show up super sweet, smiling, laughing, pretty or hot, pleasant, interested, concerned, and nice during the beginning stages of dating and building a relationship. Why else would any one of us stay involved with anyone else otherwise? This is where things get confusing.

The single dad declares, “She really likes my kids!” Please excuse my scorn, but, like… duh!? You wouldn’t be dating her otherwise. BTW this is the same for single moms dating single men too. To be clear, don’t you think you wouldn’t, or maybe you shouldn’t, date someone who doesn’t like your kids?

However, dating a man with kids is not the stuff of movies and storytelling. Families are complicated and it’s not easy to blend a family into one unit. The challenge of being a single father is finding a woman who not only adores you but also one who can handle the obstacles all blended families go through on their way to becoming a united family.

I grew up in with 5 step brothers and sisters. They were older than me and didn’t live at my home with their father, my step-dad. My dad and my step-mom also had a daughter. Altogether, there were 12 kids. None of it was easy. The age differences were broad and we, fortunately, did not all live under the same roof.

Growing up in the Brady Bunch era, I had fantasies we would all get along. But that’s all it was – fantasies. The older kids had their own lives and several never bonded with my mother. When my step-dad passed, most of those step-siblings went on with their lives. Sure, wounds were opened but my mom is a tough gal and she carried on with those who wanted to share their lives with her.

Talk about some tough love.

But in order to grasp the amount of emotional stuff kids bring with them, we have to develop a thick skin. All children resent sharing their parents. So why should a new lover or step-mom be any different?

I say all this to single dads (and moms) as a way of giving you a head’s up. She’s interested but is she aware? You’re interested but are you prepared? Here are 5 signs the single women you’re looking at are actually interested:

She likes that you still like women and you make her feel good

Men who like women treat women right. They’re not stereotyping all women into a cookie cutter mold that looks like their ex-wife. By letting women show up as they are, it allows single dads to find healthy, fun women.

Women want to feel good around a guy so single dads need to have things in perspective before settling into a long-term relationship. Guys who don’t feel great about themselves or about women in general (usually that’s a sign of unhealed trauma) need a little more healing time before they settle down.

You’re a single dad who’s fun and adventurers.

You enjoy doing new things and you enroll your kids in joining you. You’re able to manage your kids’ moods and are able to keep yourself in check. These skills will entice a woman into falling in love with you. Most women can handle kids, they just can’t handle all the responsibility of parenting them. So if you’ve got this figured out, that single woman is going to find you very appealing!

You’re expressive instead of withholding.

This goes hand in hand with a man who’s done some healing work. Women, especially single women, want to emotionally process and get to know who you are today. They want to know about your relationship with your kids and how your day goes. If you’re the kind of man who’s unable to express his feelings or unable to talk about his day, you might have a more difficult time finding a single woman who can take on you and your children in one fell swoop.

But if you’re the type of man who can engage in a conversation, express feelings, and allow her to talk (while you listen); if you can just hold her while she verbally expresses herself and give her room to feel her feelings while you step into yours, then you know she’s into you.

She lets you do the things you need to do without pressuring you

Single women have become used to being independent. You may find if she’s really into you that she lets you do your thing without pressuring you. This is huge for a single dad who’s balancing parental duties with dating.

At first, this may seem contradictory but it really isn’t. Single women need down time too. They want girl time, primping time, time to work out. By letting you do the things you want to do (with your kids) without her pressure, she’s also setting herself up for the personal time she needs to feel good about herself and her life too.

She makes sure you include your children in the things you’re doing together.

A woman who’s secure is going to be willing and able to include your children in her life without making too big a deal about it. Sure, you welcome her company and perhaps even another set of eyes. But more importantly for someone dating a man with kids, she wants to be with them. She also likes being with them when she’s with you. This is huge and valuable. You really can’t be with a woman who doesn’t like your kids no matter how cynical I may be. That kind of single woman is one to hang onto.

Dating a man with kids, she doesn’t force herself onto your children.

This is one of the most difficult and most important steps to take note of. Does she let your kids live their own life? Is she secure enough not to have to be with them whenever you are? Does she use your kids’ affection as some measure of your commitment to her? Be careful here. Too many single dads have gotten themselves into trouble because a woman pressures your kids to do things with her that they don’t want to do.

Dating a man with kids is complicated and at times confusing. Many women you’ll meet will want to be in a family dynamic. The challenging part is reading the signs that she’s ready and able to be in a healthy relationship with you and your children. As you grasp her intentions and read the signs, you’ll be better able to find the right partner for you and your family.

The Biggest Problems With Dating After Divorce When You’re A Dad

October 20, 2017

Dating after divorce when you’re a dad is different than simply preparing your heart for a new relationship. The problem is knowing how to balance your care and concern for your children with your emotional needs to be in a relationship with another adult. You have to heal from the legacy of wearing the Scarlet D.™ It’s not just about dating and it’s not just about being a dad. There are big problems with dating after divorce when you’re a dad that you’ll want to understand so you can help your children and help yourself.

You’re allowed to date as a divorced dad.

As an adult, you want intimacy, whereas most kids, don’t want to share their father with another person, period. There are times when getting on the bench is useful – especially at the beginning of your separation and divorce. While, at other times, when the family has regrouped and the bonds between you and your kids are stronger, you may find that you’re all ready for you to date. Ready or not, introducing your kids to a new partner is tricky and has its own etiquette of dating after divorce!

When do I bring a new lover into our life?

As a parent, the shame and stigma around divorce are what you must heal in order to wisely bring a new partner into your life and into your heart. If you don’t, the legacy goes with you into your new relationship. It colors how you can love, how you can trust. It will permeate how you interact with your kids’ mother and how you will introduce your kids to someone you finally can intimately love – when you do. Your family is worthy of a happy, emotionally healthy father. You’re worthy of sharing your life with another emotionally healthy adult who you can have in your children’s lives.

It goes without saying though that dating after divorce with a child is more complicated than dating as a bachelor.

When you are ready to date, you may try to keep your dating (and having sex) on the level of previous bachelorhood behavior (sneaking around during the day, in between work appointments or late at night) or when the kids are with their other parent. But at a certain point, that person you’re having sex with is going to begin asking for more and wanting to enmesh themselves in your life. You won’t be able to simply have casual sex without the demand and need for commitment. Commitment as a parent means, introducing your children to your lover. This is when things get more difficult.

How you introduce your children to your lover as a divorced dad takes quite a bit of finessing. You’re going to want to be thoughtful, strategic, and committed. When it comes to introducing your kids to a new partner after divorce, it will not serve you or them to have your children meet a casual lover or simply a friend with benefits.

The last thing your children need to do is to get to know your friend with benefits.

When you work on your own healing, you give your children an enormous gift. If you don’t do your work, if you bring someone new into their lives because you need any woman or man to help you feel whole, you’re setting yourself up to have that person leave. Even years down the road. As a result, your children will be left with even more work to do on themselves.

Passing on the legacy of pain.

Statically speaking, unfortunately, your children will also suffer a divorce working through the issues that you refused to do when you could. No amount of sex or the comfort of another adult in your life can take the place of the kind of healing your heart and mind must go through after divorce. This is a big mistake most people make. Instead of doing their own work, parents leave their kids the legacy and scars of their divorce to clean up for themselves.

Your children are already dealing with their first divorce.

They too are grieving the loss of their family. They’re worried about trusting others. They’re nervous about their new schedules and maybe withdrawing from you even during your appointed parenting time. It’s not going to help your children to meet someone you’re casually sleeping with. You want to be sure they won’t lose this person too. When a divorced dad introduces his children to his most recent lover, she has to stick around. If she breaks up with him at some point, the kids will most certainly develop even worse abandonment issues or other relationship insecurities.

So when should you start seriously dating after divorce when you’re a dad?

When you’ve done your work and properly healed your heart and mind. Ask yourself if you can be around your kids’ mother without getting into a fight. Are you able to see her with another man without becoming upset? Can you honestly talk about your life and your feelings with your children without blame and resentments? When your family has adjusted to the new arrangement and everyone is doing well. This doesn’t happen in year one or two… (News Flash: sometimes it doesn’t happen until year six or seven even… just sayin’). Wearing the Scarlet D™ is real and you’ll want to do your healing around it.

Some people feel they can introduce their teenagers to their dates without too many repercussions. Others feel divorced parents should wait to date until their children are at least eighteen. My experience is this: when that lover can show up for you and your family – putting themselves second to being a co-parent to your children – then, and only then, do you introduce them to your kids.

Those lovers…

You see, your lover will want to “play house” with you. They’ll want to help you with holiday shopping and gift giving at birthdays. Perhaps they’ll want to be at your kids’ recitals and baseball games. Then they’ll enmesh themselves in your parenting woes and try to help you figure out how to handle your kids’ mom.

Unfortunately, this is not your lover’s role until they’re properly invited into your family structure. The invitation isn’t simply extended because the two of you have been intimate. Most divorced dads don’t get this and then find themselves with a lover who’s ingratiated themselves into their kids’ lives but who shouldn’t be there. Dads who give away their responsibility to the newest lover in their bed aren’t helping themselves or their family.

Your kids will know this better than anyone.

They’ll let you know they don’t feel comfortable. They won’t want to have your lover spending time with them. They’ll begin to play games and you’ll be put in the middle negotiating terms between your partner and your kids which isn’t fair to you either. This is the cost of forcing or allowing a lover to enmesh themselves without being properly invited into the family. And your children will break you up. Or make your lives pretty miserable replicating the fighting and drama you just left. So be careful, wise, timely and certain before you bring your lover into the role of step-mom.

Patience…

Which is why so many people will advise you to wait for dating after divorce when you’re a dad. They recommend you slow down before you bring a partner into your kids’ lives. I know this is difficult. It’s not about a date or an age, it’s about getting your healing work done. The legacy of divorce is real – your children will be left with the scars – the pain and stigma and shame of your divorce. If you don’t do your work. So do your work. Find good help. Reach out. You deserve a healthy, happy home. And you’ll get there if you allow yourself a chance to learn how.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of The Better Divorce and doingDivorce™ School – online coaching programs for those ready to shed the pain of breakups. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com