Breakups

Powerful Love Life Advice When You’ve Lost Your Soulmate

October 3, 2019

Losing a soulmate sucks. It hurst like nobody’s business. For many of us, our love life consumes our lives. When you’ve lost your soulmate, you’re looking for serious, powerful advice. The number of places I’ve turned to is long: friends, coaches, therapists, books; my own inner spirit. On and on. Where you turn to for powerful love life advice is important. When you’ve lost your soulmate, you look everywhere!

Losing a soulmate sucks.

Love is sublime, powerful, kind; in essence, great! We love being in love. But when a love ends, when you’re in the position that you’re the one who’s lost your soulmate, it can be crippling. I’ve been in bed, on the couch, unable to function more times than I wish to count. Each time, it became worse than before. That is, until I figured out what was up.

Turn to a trusted source for powerful love life advice.

Trusted sources for love life advice are few and far between. I personally don’t read magazine articles anymore. They put me in my head and make me feel bad about myself, the choices I’ve made, and the men I slept with. Designed to make me judge myself, I do not read general advice.

I also don’t turn to religion or religious texts or therapists. I appreciate and respect religious wisdom and adore my therapist friends. But I don’t find solace in the past. The past is over and done with and understanding what I’ve done doesn’t always help me moving forward.

Instead I look towards patterns: my patterns of behavior, the way I usually do things. Then I seek out alternative ways of being so I can have a successful love life. I find this information in the cutting edge of behavioral science.

It doesn’t take hours or years to see your love-life patterns.

We do things over and over again until we’re either sick of ourselves or we’re sick of the results. (Usually, those two things go hand in hand.) I find that it doesn’t take hours or years to see patterns. They are the things that feel most comfortable. Or the way we behave in each relationship giving us the same results. They are the things we identify with and when we go to change them, it feels strange.

But just because things feel strange or awkward or self-conscious, doesn’t make them wrong or bad. To change means to be bold. To admit that what we’ve been doing hasn’t give us the results we want. When you’ve lost your soulmate, how you do your love-life needs to be shaken up! The energy it takes to re-rack and move forward comes from the very pain you’re experiencing when you lose your soulmate.

It’s that sucky feeling that drives the next decisions. Decisions create the actions and whatever consequences that come about. If you want a soulmate to stick around, you’re going to have to take those awful feelings and channel them into making decisions that create new actions and results. It seems scientific and clinical. It is. It’s how we’re wired.

Being in love is a fantastic feeling.

Most of us love being in love. But without understanding how we do our love-lives, it’s tough to grasp our part in the loss. If you’re having a tough time understanding why, let’s examine your patterns together. I promise it won’t be too long before you have a healthy, happy soulmate in your life again!

The Unexpected Way To Get The Love You Want

August 28, 2019

Woman kissing a man by leaning over him is looking for love in a new relationship.

My clients want love. Usually, I get them right after the heartbreak and loss. Often it’s because of a divorce or a breakup with a significant relationship. They’re hurt, depressed, and a bit lost turning to new relationships as soon as possible. What usually happens is that new relationships end, causing more hurt. But there is an unexpected way to get the love you want and it just might surprise you!

Old habits die hard. They’re the kind of habits that caused the heartbreak to begin with. So when you’re about to jump into a new relationship, even while healing from a breakup, you may need to think twice about what you’re doing.

Build in time to re-rack, re-learn, and practice waiting for love to come to you instead of chasing it.

This is a daily practice. I know, you think everyone has these overnight sensational stories about finding love quickly and jumping into a new marriage. It happens, but the success rates vary and . These stories set you up for more pain as well so avoid them as much as possible.

Stop chasing those who do not return love.

When we glom onto new lovers expecting them to fulfill our joy and solve our lives, we set ourselves up for heart ache. I know, I’ve been there! Instead, consider finding your own joy, navigating your own day without using someone else. That’s when everything turns around and love is on the horizon again. As you put your life together again without someone else, self-confidence, hope, and optimism get put back on the table. Magic can then return to daily life.

After an important breakup, it’s worthwhile to stop and regroup.

Sure, sex is fun and lovers are important but so is your state of mind. When you start to prioritize your life and your spirit, you’ll find others gravitating towards you. Wanting you. Chasing you. Then you can decide, are they worthy to let in? After all, your life will be pretty good and they’d have to add rather than hurt you in the process.

So take care of yourself first and stop chasing those who don’t want to love you back. Let them go. You’re worth having someone want you too.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker, and advisor to those ready to move their lives forward. For empowering and practical ways to begin anew whether personally or professionally, set up a call here.

This Is The Best Way To Quit And Break Important Agreements

August 20, 2019

Another employee up and quit without warning. That’s leaving important agreements with me with no warning and no discussion. I get it, work is hard and showing up someplace you don’t want to be feels demeaning. But there is a good way to quit your job or to leave your family without losing face. In fact, the best way to break important agreements is easier than you think. And you get to go with your head held high and some grace and gratitude in your wake

When you’re done you’re done but those important agreements you made, they still carry on.

You want out. The marriage is stale, your job sucks, the neighborhood is boring, and your routine’s dull. Life can appear dreary for many. But that doesn’t mean by leaving, you’ve solved anything other than changing where you are. The expression, ‘you bring yourself wherever you go’ is so applicable in this moment.

When you quit, your important agreements are still hanging.

When you leave your family or you leave your home, the things you’re leaving still carry on. Kids need parenting, love still needs to be made, and the things that keep a family together have to continue. You may be leaving, but your family stays intact.

When you quit your job, there’s no real consequence except for the people you’re leaving. They’re the ones who have to pick up the slack. Your employee may or may not be able to quickly hire someone in your place. You may quit and leave but the work carries on.

Leave with some dignity rather than with all your emotional stuff.

When you make a career move, we’re told to be quiet about it. To interview during lunch, and not let others know before the big announcement. It’s exhausting. And it shows just how important it is to quit and leave gracefully.

When you leave with your head held high, you reap the reward.

Leaving with your dignity intact means a great deal. Your employer has invested in you. You invested in learning new skills and participated in relationships. Leaving abruptly is like betrayal. It hurts others.

If you have a conversation, offer to help find your replacement, and even train someone, you win. (Okay, perhaps not a new spouse.) But you get what I’m saying… help out your employer so that you can leave with some dignity and self-respect.

Set a good impression.

The more I work with others, the more I’m amazed at how people short change themselves the little wins in life. The chance to set a good impression. To leave with one’s head held high. An opportunity to find and train your own replacement gives you a chance to feel needed and wanted. These are important aspects of life.

When you leave a marriage after participating in therapy or telling your kids together, you know you did your best. There is nothing more important than that self-awareness, your head held high, your self-respect intact.

Why Jeff Bezos’s Relationship And Divorce Matter To You And Me

January 9, 2019

Jeff Bezos and his wife separate announcing divorce.

Today I heard that Jeff Bezos is getting a divorce and my mind began to wander. When a celebrity announces they’re getting a divorce, there are a myriad of feelings to experience on the other side of the press release. We question why. We jump to conclusions. But yet we never really know what’s going on. The worst part is we forget that soul growth forces many of us to grow whether we want to or not.

I met Jeff Bezos at an Amazon Prime TV Show Premiere. A seat away, he was kind, flirtatious and just this side of inappropriate. I met Mrs. B as well though she was more interested in the woman next to her than the show producer’s date. Which I thought, unfortunate. Couldn’t she see what was up?

I picked up on the flirtation, the opportunity, and her seeming disregard or at least boredom with all the sucking up going on. How many times has she seen this behavior and thought nothing of it? How many affairs has she had to contend with or, equally, how often has she participated in her own dalliances? I have no idea and my musing that evening had little to do with the reality of being next to these high powered people at an exciting event.

In truth, we have no idea what goes on in other people’s beds.

In the voyeurism, we forget there are real people involved with troubled hearts to deal with. We overlook the shame, the breakdown in who they set out to be. And we overlook the ripple effect – the people who depend upon a celebrity couple in order to stay stable themselves.

Those people could be us on the outside looking up to their ideal lives or their employees, colleagues, and children. Those who intimately depend upon them for their livelihood, safety, and love.

Ripple effects affect us all. Especially those of celebrity divorces.

They make us insecure. We debate the merits of being married. We question why we put up with what our spouses demand. We cynically declare marriages never work.

Each of us makes the choice to stay in a relationship or not. Flirtation aside, I know many married celebrities who don’t flirt. Recently I met a US Senator in a crowded but unremarkable food court. He belonged to another state so he was inconspicuous, appropriate, despite my excitement and eager expression of recognition and support.

I like flirtation. I like to smile and to make someone else feel good. I have never had an affair and don’t condone the behavior. (There are so many other ways to overcome boredom.) Nor do I have an inside scoop on what is breaking up the wealthy Bezos team. But I do know from my own two divorces and numerous clients that there is healing and growth ahead if they choose to do it.

When we witness the breakdown of a celebrity marriage, we often jump to judgment and speculation. Our curiosity gets the better of us and tabloids seduce with their name dropping headlines. We get immersed in their lives instead of our own.

Marriages can survive a lot of things. Including personal growth. You can have the kind of soul growth that will either push and push and push a person to implode their marriage and grow. Or the kind of soul growth where two people work independently and simultaneously for the greater good of the relationship. None of us are immune to soul growth. Celebrity or not.

On the outside looking in, I know no one steps into a divorce lightly.

No one decides one day that they’ve had it without many hours and days of deliberate thought and personal angst. Flirtation aside, these two human beings, despite all the wealth and success, must face the same growth as my single friend down the street.

The Bezos do have the means to short change the growth process. But the experience of divorce demands respect. It will humble the most tenacious among us. It changes lives. The ripple effect is profound. There’s healing work to be done in every separation and I hope Mr. and Mrs. B. decide to take on the inherent growth in front of them so they can continue to inspire and intrigue us on the other side of their lives.

It Won’t Suck Forever. 6 Signs You’re Actually Moving On From Your Divorce

August 9, 2018

Getting over a breakup is never easy. But I promise it won’t suck forever. It does suck for quite some time, however. That pain is usually covered up by this acute anger or fear or depression. It often feels as if you’ll never make it through this stage, doomed to deal with your breakup for the rest of your life. But despite the worry or tears, there are several signs that show up when you’re actually moving on from your divorce. These are the signals you want to know about. They’re proof your getting over your breakup and that a good life after divorce will happen.

How to get over a breakup when you still love each other.

This is that suck forever feeling. The obsession over whether or not you’ll ever move on. But in reality, you may always love each other. Even just a little bit. After all, there was something in them that made you want them in your life, to begin with. When they get into your heart, they often own a piece of it going forward.

So when you still love each other, it’s hard to know what to do after the breakup. You’ll search around for meaning and experiment with dating. You’ll do your best to forget about them and wrestle with tons of sadness and guilt. You’ve lost someone you’ve grown accustomed to even when or if the relationship wasn’t healthy or easy.

Life after divorce is filled with growth.

Growth isn’t always fun. It’ll often feel as if you’re never going to move on from your divorce in the midst of the emotional hit. Eventually, however, you’ll begin to calm down and embrace the changes going on.

Signs you’re actually moving on from your divorce:

Slow down and breathe. Way too often in the midst of the anxiety, we literally forget to breathe. Now, I’m not the best silent meditator in the world but I can walk. And, I do a lot of walking! Simply moving my body, lifting weights, walking, getting on a bicycle helps me move that anxious energy. Slow down and walk to calm your body and relax your thoughts.

Manage your thoughts. When you’re able to shift that anxious energy toward a calmer feeling, you may or may not actually like it despite what you’re declaring to anyone who’ll listen. Some people keep the anxiety going not because they like the anger or worry but because they don’t realize they can control their thoughts and feelings. You can and you must!

You will know that you’ve turned the corner of your breakup when you can slow down and breathe, and manage your thoughts. These are welcomed signs!

How to deal with a breakup.

Start with a good attitude. I often use the term perspective when discussing the experience of divorce. The stages you go through are rather universal. Sure, you have your own personality and story. But, for the most part, the perspective you need is not personal at all. Your attitude and how you handle what you know and what you’re doing is.

When you’re able to get some perspective on this modern-day rite of passage, you’ll be better able to stop the stress you’re experiencing. When you can hold the experience with optimism and courage, you’re on your way toward healing your life after divorce!

Perspective includes objectively recognizing the situation you’re in. Owning your part in the breakup. Doing your healing work not just saying you are as if intellectually understanding it means you’re body, heart and mind are healed from the trauma. You want to feel at peace with where you are in the process.

Perspective helps you avoid Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™… the sticky, horrible sense that your life will always be about your divorce. It’s important to grasp this not because I want to make your day worse but because without the awareness that divorce is something we do and therefore something we can do well, the longer you will remain stuck.

It won’t suck forever.

Most of the time, the tension of the negotiation or litigation is so difficult that people are willing to throw in the towel and stop the fight. It takes real time to wrap up a life that wasn’t working. Way too often people in negotiation feel as if they can’t handle the tension and fighting when they’ve no idea how much they’re capable of tolerating and getting through. They underestimate their own emotional resilience.

You see, very few people truly want to fight with a former lover. I notice that the negotiation and fight often come up when people aren’t emotionally ready to move on. No matter what they’re saying. Unaware of the hidden patterns, they’re afraid of who they’ll be after the marriage. They’re unsure about their future security, financial well-being or the relationship with their children. So they hang on using the other parent or the ex as a familiar connection.

No one can tell you how long to fight or what you should fight for. That includes your attorney, dad, children or your ex. This is a deeply personal decision. However, you also need to know when enough is enough. When the fight and the attorney fees have become a distraction from the very life you claim you want to create. Often times the fight is simply fear of letting go.

You will know that you’ve turned the corner of your breakup when you can trust that your life will become better and accept that you have to do it without the person you’ve been accustomed to. These are welcomed signs!

Life experience is not all about making mistakes.

It takes a while to create a better life after divorce. The gestation period to create the very life you claim you want takes longer than falling in love. It’s harder than giving birth. It costs more than starting your own company. Okay, I’ve taken a little creative liberty here but you get my point. It doesn’t happen all at once or right away. Nor will it show up the way you imagine.

The emotional growth you have to go through doesn’t look like the fantasies you held onto to get out of your marriage. The tricky thing is that emotional growth gets disguised by falling in love or moving or getting a new job. In fact, all of those things are helpful but none of them are what makes a better life. Many complicate your life instead, ratcheting up stress levels. Usually, those first few romances fall apart making things more confusing or upsetting.

Compassion helps because you’re going to make a lot of mistakes. Do your best to accept that fact. Learn to watch yourself go through the things you go through so you don’t beat yourself up. You will know that you’ve turned the corner of your breakup when you allow yourself to make the mistakes you’re inevitably going to make and accept all of them. These are welcomed signs!

Getting over a breakup will not take forever. Nor does it have to suck! You do, however, have to give yourself the care and attention required to do your divorce better. And when you do, your life will get better. I am not a big fan of watching people mess things up over and over again. I created my online group programs precisely because too many people make the separation process harder than it has to be. You don’t have to! Learn more here.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com.