pmateam

Meeting Your Ex’s New Love For The First Time? Here’s How To Not Lose Your Cool

January 19, 2018

It may be fun to hear the latest gossip about someone else’s life or to be there for a friend when they’re struggling with getting over their breakup. But meeting your ex’s new love for the first time is a no-win situation. When it’s your ex asking for you to meet his or her new lover, it’s an entirely different thing. Meeting your ex’s new love for the first time? Here’s how to not lose your cool.

Meeting your ex’s new love for the first time is a no-win situation.

Usually, we cringe at the thought of an ex with a new love. It can literally sting. I myself have experienced literally dropping to the floor and wanting to pass out in the past. It’s not so much the moment I lay eyes on them, it’s the news, the onslaught of images and the preparation leading up to the greeting that’s the worst. So here are some super important reminders to protect your heart and soul when you see your ex with someone new.

Ground rules: here’s how to not lose your cool when meeting your ex’s new love for the first time.

Remember, it’s over. It ended for myriad reasons despite harboring thoughts they might return or at least apologize. (They rarely do) and if they did apologize you’d still have to figure out what’s next ‘cuz, it’s done.

Feeling competitive is natural. You may want to dress up and look really hot. At least I do. I make sure I look good around my ex’s… ‘cuz it’s important to feel good when you’re seeing them but also not too good if you don’t want inappropriate advances. (At least shave or put on some lipstick if that’s all the time you have.)

Check yourself. Be careful when meeting your ex’s new love for the first time.

Make sure your clear on why exactly you’re looking good… is it for them or for you? Once I know my ex has been with another person, I cringe at the thought of being intimate with them again. It’s a visceral thing for me. I don’t share and imagining their bodies with other bodies turns me off. So ask yourself: Why exactly am I looking good here? Who am I impressing or trying to make feel small? This is important and will help keep you in your lane.

Competition goes both ways. They’re also going to be doing their best to make you feel small… they’re dressing up, looking hot. (I once had the new lover try to put her engagement ring in my face… ehem, it was way s-m-a-l-l (er) than he could have given her… just sayin’) So be prepared for them to be playing that same game with you which is why you need to know what you’re up to!

Your ex is watching. They’re watching how you’re responding to meeting their new love for the first time. Picking up on the cues, the looks; they’re even comparing the two of you. It’s a natural thing. However, you have the upper hand here!

You’re the one who knows the signs.

When my ex is doing his thing trying to play it cool and be all whatever, I can see right through his body language and know exactly (probably better than he does himself) how he really feels about her.

When you’re no longer sleeping with them, enmeshed with their hormones and pheromones, you’ll be objective and can remain curious. You’ll see everything! How s/he really doesn’t like what the new lover is up to but won’t scold them in front of you. How they’re embarrassed by their behavior. Or what they sound like or how smart they are or aren’t. How uncomfortable they really are being with them. I still laugh at the memory of one ex literally trying to hide behind a teacher’s desk at a school event. He tried to pull his new lover down with him as if I couldn’t see his 6’ 4” body and hers wedged between the chalkboard and the drawers!

This is the best part of being an ex! You do not have to play their games anymore. You’re free!

It’s also a great way to gauge if you’ve gotten over the breakup and whether you still love them or not. So set ground rules you can follow!

Timeframe. How long will you be expected to be pleasant or polite? Is this over lunch? A kid exchange (I don’t advise.) Or is s/he being thrown in your face at a basketball game without warning? Do your best to set up the parameters that you can handle. No one can stay on good behavior for hours on end. And, at first, hopefully, you’ll not be required to spend an entire family Thanksgiving together over washing the dishes.

Remember to leave when you feel your energy shifting. It’s no longer impolite to take care of yourself! Too often we expect we can handle seeing them with their new love and forget that we’re supposed to be taking of ourselves first. This is super important. There’s no win in losing it in front of your ex and their new love. Get out, get away, if you feel your energy dipping.

Bring backup support. I’m a big believer in having a wingman! It’s bad enough they’re going to be at a school event or a kids’ game while you’re standing there alone. I have had more than one friend be my date, come with me to a kids’ games, and keep me company while I’m in charge. I’ve had other parents block the view and keep me safe around unsafe and difficult moments. There’s no shame in asking for help. Your heart is only so strong.

Why does showing up cool matter when meeting your ex’s new love for the first time?

Because eventually, as you mend and move on, as you date and prepare for a new relationship, you’re going to want to be afforded the same courtesy. You’re going to want them to treat your new lover with respect; to be polite and to show up gracious and warm. I’m not saying it’s going to happen (see above) I’m just saying, that you’ll want it to go this way.

The fantasies. I imagine these false scenes where I get to throw all these truth bombs onto the new lover. It starts with me shaming him in front of her and make her walk away from the scoundrel forever and ever. I dream up these scenarios when he sheepishly takes a look at me and walks away from her. (Insert laughter…) Sometimes, I’ve saved her from years of abuse and manipulation and we walk away arm and arm, best friends forever.

But the reality isn’t like that. You and I both know these scenes ain’t nevah gonna happen! Most of us have more pride and our hearts are more fragile than we like to admit. You are not going to meet your ex’s new love for the first time and punch him, threaten him, coerce him or ruin him. I could no more cause a scene at a school event than interrupt my kids’ sports game. I don’t want to be remembered as the crazy ex he had to leave… or whatever other story has been made up about me.

The good news: your ex has a new love and that person isn’t you.

They’re the ones who’ve fallen in love. That new lover can’t help but see all the shiny beautiful things you once saw in your ex. They’re not tainted by the fights, the waiting by the phone, the ghosted moments when you feared they lost interest. These new lovers haven’t yet felt the sting of your Ex’s cheating or the lying and manipulation. They still like watching the porn with them and hearing stories about your kids. They’ve yet to have their hearts broken by your ex.

So it’s your job to be bigger, wiser and more compassionate.

They do not yet know what you know. They’re naively in love. Lost really in the charms of your ex that no longer control your mind.

Your reputation. They also have only heard one side of the story. They only know about you through your ex’s eyes. The story and lies that your ex needed to tell about you to justify why s/he left. Maybe you left your ex, maybe you broke up that relationship, either way, your Ex has a one-sided story that the new lover only knows. So be on your best behavior. Show up your best self. Do the right thing for the benefit of your kids if you have them and for your heart either way.

If you’re having trouble with understanding how to get over your breakup, consider joining me in doingDivorce™ School. I’ll teach you tools and skills to help guide you through these awkward and uncomfortable moments. One last story… this week I heard from an ex who has had a beautiful family for years. I ended our relationship over 25 years ago and just this week, he admitted to finally healing the loss of his first marriage before we met. Imagine that… a breakup that was over 30 years ago is finally being healed. It doesn’t have to be that way.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of The Better Divorce and doingDivorce™ School – online coaching programs for those ready to shed the pain of breakups. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com

Feel Like Your Ex Is Stalking You On Facebook? It’s Time To Start Blocking People

January 12, 2018

Social Media is a great way to brag about your life. Most people use it to show off, to seek attention, to connect with warm and fuzzy kitty pictures and to spy on the best looking guy or gal from High School. But do you feel like your ex is stalking you on FaceBook? It’s time to start blocking people.

I use social media for my coaching work and still prefer the telephone to connect with friends. But for most people, it’s instant messaging all the way! So what happens when that ex is lurking behind the blocked avatar? Who’s that handsome dude wanting your attention on IG?

Most of the time, no one real (it took a few scammers for me to learn that tactic). And then there’s your kids’ father or that girl you still pine for. What happens when they’re all over you and wanting your attention? You learn to set some really clear boundaries!

Learning to block stalking went like this for me:

He wanted to date me. He repeatedly asked me out. He’d show up at events we had in common. He wouldn’t take “no” for an answer and he got upset when I had to say things like, “you’re not my type” when he didn’t believe I really wasn’t dating. It was like swatting flies on a hot summer day but more emotionally upsetting. He would not leave me alone. And because I was afraid to hurt his feelings, I wasn’t comfortable with blocking him.

It took the comments on my FaceBook thread that finally sent me to anger. And I learned a valuable lesson about stalking.

Anyone going through a heartbreak, a relationship ending, a divorce knows how painful it is to be rejected or to hear bad things said about them. And I’m no different. As an actress, I heard lots of bad things said but we didn’t have the speed and intensity of social media. I would ignore a weird fan or send the lingerie, keys, and money to ABC’s security and I would ask for help as I was leaving the studio; security would manage the fans outside. But with social media, as a coach, as a divorcee who has had a lot of stuff said about her, there was more to learn.

I had to learn that boundaries – my setting them – are where I step into protecting me: my mind, my heart, my spirit, my body, my children.

So if that lurking, spying Ex feels way too close, I’m giving you permission to change your settings. This seems so simple! Such valuable advice. But what I’ve found is that my clients wrestle with this as well. All the time.

We’re so afraid of hurting other’s feelings.

Upsetting someone or not being nice. We’re worried that they’ll bad mouth us or react in a negative way. And most of the time, your gut instinct is probably right – they will. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t block them. Harassment on social media or on your message app is real and you have a right not to be harassed by someone lurking behind your thread.

What are your really doing when you block someone?

Un-friending is exactly that – you’re un-friending someone you once loved or wanted to love or who wanted to love you.

You will feel an energetic release just the way you felt their lurking. Getting attention form unhealthy people means you’re continuing to set yourself up for unhealthy relationships. You’re making the decision that ‘you can handle it’ when in fact, you can’t.

It’s time to start blocking people.

We are energetic beings who connect with others. It takes a lot to put up boundaries and to keep bad people out. But it’s easier once you start doing so. And you will feel a palpable shift when you do.

A recent client of mine was constantly on the receiving end of some pretty disgusting texts and comments on their thread. It took a few conversations until they were willing to put themselves first, to stop the harassment and to put up safe boundaries. This included blocking mutual friends and family relations. This is an important declaration.

When you decide that your life matters, that your mind is yours to manage, that your heart is ready for healing and that you really can’t handle the mean-spirited antagonism, then you’re onto healthy relationships.

Up until then, you’re fooling yourself. No one can handle the onslaught of negativity. And social media hiding lets it all hang out.

Personally, with my divorce coaching Facebook and IG pages, I’ve had to ban, block, delete, unfriend and not accept a lot of people. My blocked list has a host of names. Not because I don’t want to help them heal, but because they’re so angry and mean I’m not the teacher for them.

I can’t be somebody’s punching bag and I don’t want those who’ve hurt me in the past to have the privilege of knowing me now.

That’s the next step in personal healing. If you consider yourself a good person, if you’re willing to take responsibility for your part in the breakup, if you’re doing your healing work and gaining wisdom and softening your heart instead of building arguments and walls, then why in the world would you want someone who’s hurt you in the past to find a way to you now?

They don’t get you.

And it’s worth everything to keep it that way. What you have to offer the world is your energy, your heart, your generosity. When you’re ready to forgive yourself for your part in the breakup, you free yourself to love again. But for those who want to keep you in your victim role, for those who want to spy on how you’re doing, their goal isn’t to support you. It never was!

So it’s time to decide to protect yourself.

If you’re a parent and your children’s other parent is the person who’s still ghosting and spying on you, this is what I recommend:

join a third-party app like www.ourfamilywizard.com or www.2houses.com. It is completely worth the small investment to free yourself up from hearing from your Ex the moment they’re angry with you.
block them on your messenger app. You are not someone’s punching bag.
give your child their own phone to contact you and stop trying to control the calls and conversations between your children and your ex
delete your ex from your contacts and remove them from all social media
memorize that phone number for when you need to make contact.
stick to using that third-party app, not your email threads
keep everything in writing in case they take you back to court.

If you’re finding these suggestions difficult, notice the feelings and be wary of what you’re telling yourself. There is no real reason why you must remain in contact with an ex. It’s never about parenting concerns or worries. Nor is it about what they will think of you. It’s always about you, stepping into taking care of yourself. If you’re having trouble with doing so, doingDivorce™ School is open for the January – March program. Space is limited so apply now. You might want to check it out if you’re feeling stuck.

Changing patterns is not easy to do on your own.

You’ll need a coach to see your blind spots and a community to support you. As you make the decision to protect your future, you will stop the drama and the harassment of the past.

How To Prepare For Seeing Your Ex Without It Ripping Your Heart Out

January 5, 2018

How do you prepare for seeing your ex without it ripping your heart out? You see, there are times I still struggle with romantic fantasies that take up space in my mind. And, I still think of him. (Not necessarily the him you may think I’m talking about but the one who broke my heart and is still, years later, my biggest teacher.) We all make mistakes. Let’s explore the things that helped me heal, and some things that didn’t! Because there were moments after that breakup that repeatedly sent me into spasms of pain.

BTW: I ended that relationship, not because I didn’t love him but because I could no longer tolerate lying, cheating, and the gas lighting. I had to learn how to be in his presence when I was and hold my own. When I learned how to do so, my sense of security came back!

First off, the things that DON’T work:

Social Media Stalking: you can’t stalk them on Facebook, Twitter, IG or any other internet, social media platform you two shared.

I’m a BIG proponent of blocking, unfriending, deleting, and muting. I have to. If I don’t block them, I have found, I will end up on a cold winter’s night going down the rabbit hole of internet Hell. I have been known to destroy a perfectly nice evening or two out of boredom and curiosity more than once. I tell myself, it’s just a quick peek and then, hours later, I’m in a puddle of tears feeling sad and sorry for myself.

So my advice… do everything you can to disconnect from them online. And then, hold yourself to not looking, lurking, stalking or tracking down their friends. Don’t do it. In the scheme of things, this is a small but mighty step but it’s not very easy!

If you can’t stop looking at them online, you don’t stand a chance of seeing them in person without it ripping your heart out!

Things that take some time before you can handle them:

Visiting the places you two frequented together. I had a client who loved going to the beaches in CA with his lover. They shared fun, romantic times in the sand and surf (who wouldn’t!?!) After she moved out, he falsely thought he could handle going there alone. Then the emotions got stirred up and it took weeks for the feelings to calm down again!

I completely sympathized with his pain and it made perfect sense. Those places were intimately tied to the love he experienced there. I admit, there are certain parts of Florida and New York City or LA that used to haunt me because of the memories I shared with a lover.

I know the exact spot in Central Park where I got that particular kiss! But yet, cities, restaurants, the roads you walked down together, the movie theater or beach shouldn’t hold you hostage to memories, fantasies or desires. So what do you do?

I recommend taking some time before you venture back. Bring along a good friend and gird yourself for the effort it’ll take to reclaim the streets and places you once knew with them.

This is what I do:

I avoided certain places in NYC (mostly for fear of running into him) and when I felt emotionally ready to tackle the reclaiming part, I gathered my strength and walked the streets. Then I went into the shops, sat and ate in the restaurants, visited the places I went to with him!

At first, I might do this with a good friend admitting perhaps, that I need a little help. If I go alone, I prepare myself! I see him in my mind. I remember what I did, how I felt. Then I declare (to myself in case anyone might call me crazy) that this is my town (restaurant, movie theater, etc) too. That I have a right to be there.

I literally retrace the steps we took. Not to rip the bandage off my heart but to declare to the universe that I have a right to this place too. And it works!

I have reclaimed parts of NYC, other cities, restaurants, theme parks, beaches, movie theaters, even trains! These days those exact same locations no longer cause me pain. I have new(er) memories and get to enjoy the places I learned to love.

Each of us has the right to be happy wherever we want.

It simply takes a little time before the heart is strong enough to experience the grief and help you make a new history.

So, you’re a bit stronger and you have to see them. How do you prepare for seeing your ex?

Get ready for an emotional hit! Your mind and body are going to be hit with a slew of feelings and sensations.

Let’s get real: you’re going to have a lot of fantasies! You’re going to think about saying all the things you ever wanted to creating your own reality TV series in your head.

You’ll rival the leads of the ‘housewife series’ and imagine embarrassing them, their new dates, their new spouses. Maybe you’ll imagine hitting them, hurting them, kissing them, ripping off their clothes. But usually, sorry, none of these things will really happen. (Unless you’re on the ‘housewife series…’)

You will, however, fantasize A LOT so be prepared for lots of crazy thoughts in your head.

You’ll also probably experience physiological reactions… getting turned on, blush, begin perspiring. Maybe you’ll experience time completely and utterly slowing down when you see them as if everything is happening in slow motion.

Preventing your heart from being ripped out.

You may want to cover your eyes with sunglasses. Perhaps, you’ll try to hide or at least avoid their eyes. I stare at their chests, their feet (not looking in the eyes) but yet still notice every single detail of what they’re doing, where they’re standing, and who they’re with.

Your entire system will be on alert… not because you want to jump their bones (though you may want to) but because they’re dangerous to you!

Your entire system is going to protect you and protection takes all our senses when we have a real enemy in front of us.

But, you’re still in love with them you say! You want them in your arms and in your bed. You don’t hate them, don’t want to commit illegal and immoral acts against them. (The way I wanted to.) You’re simply in pain and wish they would just take you back into their arms and make mad, passionate love to you the way it once was.

Sure you do.

All of you or just the scared part? All of you or the part that’s frightened and hurt by every relationship you’ve ever had going back to the love you didn’t get from mom or dad. I’m serious about this. Let’s ground ourselves in the truth.

The relationship ended not because they’re your soulmate. But for a slew of other reasons that you’ve thought about and dealt with long before it actually ended.

Even if the facts blindsided you. The way I was. Because behind all the lies and tears, all the drama I put myself through and all the love I thought I was experiencing, I knew better. There were things my soul and my heart knew that my head totally ignored or thought I could control and overcome. We all do this to ourselves – over and over and over again. Until we stop.

Mind your mind: your mind is a foolish part of you. There I said it! Your mind will play tricks on you, cause you to dream, cause you to feel victimized and then justify the sadness you’re enduring. It’s going to hurt to see them and you need to make your mind your ally, not your enemy. This is a lot harder than we mere humans have learned.

Ignore the turn-on: your body is going to react to seeing them. Seriously. Hard, wet, swirly, girly, puffing out your chest… anything and everything is going to be on alert when you see them. And you’re going to have to ignore every one of those sensations. You can’t sleep with them no matter how flirtatious or kind; no matter the apology or their interest in you.

You must walk away. My friend calls it quicksand… you have to grab the rope of sanity and keep yourself on dry land. It’s tough. But if you succumb to a romp in the hay, you’d as well start all over again.

How do you prepare for seeing your ex? Stop waiting for that apology.

Once a heart is broken, you think the only person who can mend it is the person who left or who hurt you and that’s the last person who can truly help you.

It’s just not fair but what your ego wants is that apology. Whereas, what your heart wants, is for you to stay far, far away from them.

It’s this duality that’s going on inside. We think we need them to grovel and come back or beg us to come back. But that’s just those fantasies again. So the apology isn’t from them. The apology you need is the one you give yourself for loving someone who could hurt you so badly. It’s a sobering personal moment.

How do you prepare for seeing your ex? Be prepared for grieving.

Your heart is going to hurt when you see them, especially if they’re your most important teacher. I hate to admit this to you. I wish I could write that you’re going to be fine. You will be. Eventually.

At first, the first few times you see them, it’s really going to throw you. So stay away from them as long as you can.

Even if they’re the other parent to your children. (I do everything I can to stay away from those who hurt me – why throw salt on a wound?) But when you do see them, know you’ll have a slew of feelings and physiological sensations. Then, over time, as you heal, as you gain greater clarity and wisdom, it’ll get easier and easier.

Will you ever be able to handle it? Yes. Over and over again as you heal and feel better about the ending of something that wasn’t supposed to work out in the first place. Will you love them still? Even a little? Possibly. Probably. But not to the degree you once did.

How do you prepare for seeing your ex? As you heal, and put your life together again, you’ll be able to see them without falling apart.

The last time I saw him, it still hurt a little but he looked bloated, stressed, and unhealthy. The turn-on was gone. As I’ve created a new life for myself and took back those streets and restaurants, I realized if he didn’t want to be my true love, why in the world would I spend any more time thinking about him?

Want more?

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit The Better Divorce ebook.

Terrified Of Moving Out Of The Family Home After Divorce? Here’s What You Can Expect To Happen

December 30, 2017

Moving out of the family home is one of the most terrifying things that happen during a divorce. It becomes one of the single, most defining statements a couple makes to announce to others that the union is over. No matter who stays in the family home, the shift is real, dramatic, and ushers in a new phase of separation. It also brings up a lot of pain and disappointment which can then lead to loneliness and sometimes depression. Terrified of moving out of the family home after your divorce? Here’s what you can expect to happen when you do so that your thoughts and feelings don’t overwhelm or scare you.

We on the outside rarely if ever understand what it takes to break apart a couple.

We’re usually not there when they fight, made love, lied to one another or sat quietly on a couch together. We weren’t part of their daily fabric, the rhythm of their breath, the pace of their days. So for us, on the outside, we also don’t get what it takes for some couples to break apart. We’re stumped by the behavior, the level of rage, the lying, the mean-spiritedness. We simply don’t get it.

But often, the partnership doesn’t get it either. It takes a lot of energy to break apart a family and that energy usually isn’t our more attractive sides. We usually don’t break apart with a handshake just the way we don’t fall in love with a peck on the cheek. These are big statements. Big actions. Life changing dramatic shifts which can be terrifying. Moving out is one of those big statements. Big changes. What we don’t realize, any of us really, is what it’s going to take to make that shift happen.

Because moving out of the family home is real, it usually requires a lot of momentum and energy.

Emotions like rage, frustration, and anger often precipitate the break. Actions like arguing, yelling, and aggressive packing and the grabbing of stuff tend to initiate the walking out. There’s no mistaking when one partner leaves but what is often mistaken is what happens next.

There’s a re-grouping that begins to happen as soon as the move occurs. No one can sustain that level of anger or rage for long (and if they do, they may need medical help). The body naturally seeks balance and usually, that means a big drop in feelings. Often to the level of sadness, tears, even depression. A wallowing in self-doubt and second-guessing usually happens when the mind plays tricks on us and we start minimizing what really led to this point in the relationship. This is natural and to be expected. It also doesn’t mean you’re crazy. This is a normal part of the process.

A new family home to call your own:

When you prepare yourself to create a safe place of your own, it’s easier to leave the family home. (Please don’t be leaving one difficult environment for another stressful one!) You’re looking for a place where you can begin to get your feet under you – a family guest room, a friend’s pad, a hotel room, a week-to-week sublet. Any place you can begin to calm down and think. A place where you can cry and scream without worrying about the neighbors. A place where, if you wish, you can curl up and watch your favorite movie, spread your papers all about or simply sit and look out a window. This is your space to begin processing, feeling, and healing.

This is not the place for you to have your soulmate. It’s not the place you’re going to spend the rest of your life. Just about everyone needs a safe landing… a place to call home while the initial rage and anger of ending an unhealthy dynamic can begin to shift. The tears, sadness, and lethargy mean balancing is beginning to occur. That’s all.

Don’t mistake what’s happening after you leave the family home for going crazy or acting out.

Expect this sort of physiological reaction and behavior. You’re fine! Safe even. It’s what your body and mind need to do next.

Many times clients come to me thinking they’re freaking out. They go on anti-depressants because they’re angry or in a crying jag.* They mistake their rage as a new normal or misunderstand their need to rest as being out of character for how they view themselves.

I’m here to reassure you that this is a normal, natural reaction to the level of energy, emotion, and physical exertion that’s required for the moment of moving out – the literal, physical manifestation that the relationship is over. Whether you were the one who stayed or you’re the one who left. Anyone who seems to have it all together is momentarily mistaken. I rarely ever hear a client say they’re just fine.

The next shift is the deeply personal one…

Once the union is broken, the mind shifts to what’s happening in your own life. Or on the life of the person, you just left. Unfortunately, it’s way easier to think about them than it will be to think about and begin to heal yourself at this point.

Don’t be surprised when you become fixated on them. But do your very best to focus on yourself instead. Not because they don’t matter but because once you’ve moved out of the family home (or they’re out of the home) you’ve shared, you’re done living and being responsible for them. You’re only responsible for yourself – your healing, your food, your sleep, the rest you require, the things you do to stay calm, centered, safe; the feelings that come up and need processing, the thoughts you have. These are yours to manage and to control. Not theirs.

Moving out of your family home and becoming single again isn’t easy.

It’s not for the faint of heart. In my experience, there’s this big shift that may need you to put some structure in to stay healthy. Your thoughts can easily affect your mood. And, learning how to step away and co-parent or step away and let them be will need some accountability and direction. No one does this healing work on their own. (If they did, there’d be no second or third divorces.) So consider giving yourself some weekly support that I write. You’re worthy of having a great life and moving out doesn’t have to be terrifying.

*If your emotions like tears, lethargy or seemingly irrational fear become overwhelming, please seek professional help. Medications are incredibly useful for some people but be sure to be under an MD’s care if you are.

3 Essential Tips You Need For Coping With Loneliness After You End Your Marriage

December 22, 2017

The feelings of sadness and being depressed when one is single after a divorce is difficult to imagine. The effort it takes to end your marriage usually involves strong feelings. So the idea that you might have to still cope with your divorce a year later, two, three… years later, and being sad seems out of step with the person you thought you would be. Here are 3 essential tips you need for coping with loneliness after you end your marriage.

If you initially spent many months or years dating and having fun in reaction to an unhappy union, you may not understand feeling isolated or still being single a few years later. Coping with loneliness and feeling separated from happy couples or happy families haunts us and makes most divorcees question their decision of getting divorced.

I truly believe that divorce is a chance to recreate a life.

Your decision to end your marriage gave you the opportunity to look ahead and become happy with yourself and what you’re doing. One part of the healing process is learning how to manage the intense roller coaster of emotions and make the courage necessary to rework a life in full swing. To do so, there are a few things to know.

You cannot do this alone. No one can.

Too often with a divorce, the shame and stigma of a failed marriage have people pull in and hide even if they are working or dating. You may be a parent at a school and out and about at your gym but still not feel completely whole. The problem is that there’s this piece that often feels unworthy and competitive wondering how to get what they have.

Competition is all around when you decide to end your marriage.

A new divorcee often wonders how other people were able to recreate their lives after their divorce. The competition can eat at you as you question your attractiveness and assess your self-confidence. Instead of dating, you may be at home on a Friday night afraid to be naked or even imagine making love to a new partner. These feelings are not unique to you. Every person going through divorce questions the future and how they’re going to show up in it. Every person wants to hide. And you can’t.

Find yourself some support –

Most people going through a breakup find support whether with a church, a mentor or a community that will remind you of your beauty, kindness, and heart. You’re worthy of being loved and being out there. The fear and embarrassment, the shame even, are part and parcel of your healing. They are a call for help. As you heal and surround yourself with the right kind of support, you will find yourself feeling less alone or stigmatized. Let me say it again… you are not alone and you can’t do this by yourself. No one can.

Growth is not linear and you’ll have to generate the enthusiasm and courage to be seen even when it’s not easy.

This means, if you’re hiding behind your work, your children, your weight, your familial responsibilities, it’s time to cry “uncle” and start taking some me time. In order to step out from behind your excuses and meet new people and generate feelings of love, you’re going to have to be seen. Which means, your lifestyle needs some tweaking! It may feel uncomfortable to join a gym, hire a trainer, get a new hairstyle, join a club or say “no” to your parents’ constant demands. But in order to alter your feelings of being separate and disconnected to others your age and people with whom you could create new friendships, you must.

Consider how you actually know what to do versus what you’re actually doing.

This is a good time to recommit to yourself. This is the time to declare that you matter and to really do something about how you feel about yourself. Some courage (because it may feel awkward at first) and some enthusiasm (to help you get through that moment you want to give up) will be necessary and helpful. You can do it! You can be seen and when you are, when you feel as if you belong, you will feel less lonely and better able to cope with your the choice to end your marriage with divorce or separation.

Sometimes the feelings of loneliness make you question your decision to end your marriage (or your decision not to go along with what was needed to stay married).

Let’s take a look at this one! Everyone questions change. No one likes it. No one wants to fight or go through a battle over parenting plans and money. People who haven’t been working, don’t want to go back to work. Kids don’t want to go back and forth between parents’ homes. Parents don’t want to fight. No one wants to break up with a new lover shortly after or during separation and divorce. It’s a time in life when the desire to have things be easy rings paramount.

So of course, questioning your decision to end your marriage will come up over and over again especially when you’re feeling alone and sad. It’s a natural response to the pain of separation. It’s part of the process.

Which doesn’t make your decision to grow into a new life wrong!

You’re not wrong to want to end something that wasn’t working. You’re not wrong to declare you couldn’t continue living the way you were. If it was a happy, comfortable union and you felt seen, heard, respected and loved, you wouldn’t be where you are today. You wouldn’t be reading this particular article. Stay in the truth of your story – not the feelings you think are real. They’re just sensations that cause you to question what’s up and why you chose to end your marriage. They aren’t the real you. And the real you is more than capable of creating a future apart from the way the past used to be.

Despite knowing what you’re capable of, I also completely relate to those feelings.

I experienced a lot of loneliness, depression, and anger during and after my divorce(s). It takes a great deal of effort to overcome those feelings. I remember and recall the daily courage it took to stop the fighting, stop the demanding, stop the blame. There were many, many hours when I had to allow the grief to go through me and wait for my courage to take hold.

The healing process of divorce will be at times, quite a roller coaster. You will feel as if you’re out of control especially if you’re not one to usually experience and feel the range of feelings you’re capable of. But knowing this, expecting it and going through the range of feelings may feel anywhere from unpleasant to scary. You may want to disassociate, ask for anti-depressants*, feel you can’t handle yourself. If that’s the case, seek support. Share this article with others you know who aren’t coping well with their decision to end their marriage. Find a good mentor, one who understands the experience of going through a divorce and the healing it requires to complete it. You are capable of way more than you think.