pmateam

Scared of Dating After Divorce? You Should Be

April 5, 2018

Scared of Dating After Divorce? You Should Be If you’re like many people leaving an unhappy marriage, I believe that you’re on a quest, looking for love. So naturally, dating after divorce features prominently in the hearts and minds of those separating. Love is our calling card and those in the midst of breakups are in desperate need of love.

Often times, dating means finding new sex, comfort, maybe even evidence that you’re just fine and ready for the rest of what life has to offer.

Unfortunately, for many, that optimism is short-lived especially after a series of uncomfortable dates or needy love-making. Are you scared of dating after divorce? You should be if you’re unprepared and misguided.

Let’s assume you want to find the perfect soulmate or at least someone you can have great sex with. (Usually, these are the knee-jerk reactions for dating after divorce).The issue isn’t that having sex or finding a soulmate is wrong – I am not saying, don’t have sex.

It’s thinking that dating or sleeping with someone means you’re fine, healthy, ready to dance the jig.

Don’t imagine you can handle moving out or living alone without any emotional repercussions. Or that the negotiations are going perfectly, and you have plenty of intellectual bandwidth to entertain a new lover. When people are cut off from their emotions or self-awareness, they go down the “I’m great” road. They forget going through a divorce is hard.

Let’s assume you care about others and this period of time is a little tough for you. (News flash: I like these ground rules best.) It also sets you up to be coachable and available for new love when the timing is right.

When you first leave a marriage, you’re used to the kind of person you just left.

This is no fault of yours consciously, it’s simply the way you’ve been wired and the effect of the amount of time you’ve spent with this partner.

So naturally, when you meet new people, those most like your ex are going to be the most comfortable. You’ll also not see this in any obvious fashion – it usually doesn’t show up until that new relationship ends. But eventually, you’ll notice it which is why dating after divorce, those first few hook-ups Scared of Dating After Divorce? You Should Be usually add more fuel to the fire of a broken heart.

I remember my first forays dating after divorce. I knew that those I usually gravitated to were the worst for me. And even though there was an attraction, the flirting and sex would eventually get me into hot water. Time after time, I noticed that even though they looked different, had different levels of education, different body types or hair color ultimately, unconsciously, they were just the same: controlling, needy, wanting me to be a certain way. And inevitably, the relationship would end. Thank goodness I understood the growth trajectory of dating after divorce.

There’s this period when you have to learn who you are in the present, away from the courtship, the marriage, the fight.

You have to get to know who you are again on your own. What makes you happy? Turns you on? What kind of food do you prefer to eat? TV shows do you really want to watch? How do you like to spend your weekends?

As you become reacquainted with yourself after divorce, you have to become willing to date a lot of different people. It’s part of the new experiment. Which can also lead to more broken hearts.

If you’re committed to finding a soulmate, you’re going to hurt a little longer if you rush into dating after divorce quickly.

Most people are not ready for a speedy commitment right away. There are those leaving marriages who want to ignore commitment. They’re tired of all the negotiations. They want a break from compromising.

Falling in love is not without the stages of negotiation that are inherent in every relationship. If you’re just looking to make love, tell someone. But if you’re pretending to want a relationship and unwilling to go through the stages of negotiating the terms of your commitment, really just wanting sex, you’ll break a lot of hearts.

I suggest you use the entire sentence: “I really like you, want to spend time with you, have sex with you… etc. but I’m not emotionally ready for a committed relationship.”

These days, we have sex out of marriage – shocker! Obviously not, but the shock comes when men and women misread the opposite sex. There are plenty of men and women willing to engage in having sex without needing a relationship. What they want is communication. What your potential lover wants, is to have a fair chance to make the decision for themselves, not be promised one thing and then ghosted after a few months. (Doing so just adds to their past betrayals and re-injures their broken hearts.)

I am constantly amazed at the fortitude people have after divorce – especially dating after divorce!

Their desire to get it right, their need for companionship, their misguided sense of being able to live on their own, and their willingness to persevere – to find what they’re looking for and to go on date after date in order to do so.

In order to handle dating after divorce, you’ll want to remember that everyone you meet has a past. That they’re doing the best they can and that most likely, you can’t help them heal on your own. You get to add delight to their lives: you get to be charming, kind, and romantic. You get to show up speaking in full sentences and communicating where you are in the process.

Scared of Dating After Divorce? You Should Be You don’t get to pretend romance, sex, and the oxytocin hormone (that love/bonding hormone) means you’ve found your soulmate (that would be super naive). Equally, you don’t get to pretend you can manage being single the rest of your life… ah, you might want to check out being stuck and Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™.

In order to handle dating after divorce, you have to know that you, yourself need time to heal.

There will be a time, once you do your work, when you’ll be ready for all that relationships have to offer. Including, the negotiating stages, the commitment, and possibly even marriage again. But without being informed and on the right track, you will find the experience hard, even scary.

Develop an awareness of who you are today and what you want.
Learn what dating means in this online dating world. Grasp the number of dates you’ll most likely go on (often between 100-300!)
Learn what uncommitted sex looks like when you are the one falling in love!
Trust you’re on the right path when you’re able to manage the loneliness and loss of your marriage. This occurs when you stop using others to make the pain go away.
Believe that love is possible. It’s what we do when we’re at our best, so try not to pretend you don’t need it.

If these suggestions seem difficult on your own, consider my daily emails to help you understand what you’re up against and doingDivorce™ School (Enrollment starts April 23rd!). I believe you do not need to be afraid of dating after divorce. You do, however, need to take some time to heal. You’ll want to understand the love you have to offer yourself and others.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

The Best Advice On Being A Single Dad You’ll Ever Receive

March 30, 2018

Every divorced father I meet wants to be the best single dad possible for his kids. He also, usually, already believes he’s the best father possible and often misses the mark by a wide margin. That’s not to say that he’s wrong, he is the best father possible for his kids (when he is). But he’s usually got a long learning curve ahead with being a divorced dad. Being a divorced single dad is the mark he keeps missing.

The best advice on being a single dad has to do with this: you may understand the new rules and guidelines intellectually. But embodying what it takes to be a single dad is totally different. You’ve got to get the experience. Learn to be agile, figure it out, and commit in order to successfully adjust to being a single dad. Let’s get to it!

Dad is a great single dad when mom has the kids

The stories that come my way go like this: dad is a great dad when mom has the kids. He telephones, texts, says, “I love you” to his children, and shows up when possible to school or extra-curricular events. As a single dad, he knows he has to check in and does as often as possible. He hates it when his kids don’t spend time catching up on the phone in the evenings. The loneliness eats away at him when the kids are with their mom. And of course, as a single dad, he’s torn between dating and healing, with healing looking like dating, having sex, and remarrying.

When the kids come to his home, he’s torn between defending himself from true or untrue accusations that his kids bring with them. He doesn’t necessarily understand their routines, he doesn’t really know how to manage his new home with them in it; he doesn’t really want to discipline his kids out of fear of more rejection, and he worries about doing something wrong throughout their entire visit.

If he has partnered up with a new lover or remarried, he uses any new children to entertain his kids and he uses his partner to feed, manage, and run the household for all of them hoping to create a bonding and happy family vibe for all.

As a result, single dads think they’re showing up for their children without really getting it. They think they understand what they’re supposed to do without getting into the meat of how to do it or what to do to re-bond and keep the bonds with their children.

I get it.

It’s not that single dads aren’t trying, it’s that the rules are different and understanding what you might be reading and then embodying the new guidelines are two entirely different things.

Kids want their single dad’s attention

They want their parents’ undivided attention, not sharing their dad when he’s playing house with The Best Advice On Being A Single Dad You'll Ever Receive a new lover or spouse. They’ll never grasp that the love you have for others does not diminish the love you have for them. Most kids, especially girls who are very territorial, will fight for extra attention, energy, and as a result, the love of their fathers. Dads who miss this, miss all of it!

Kids know their single dads do not need more help.

They know how dads operate – perhaps they cook perhaps not – cool, ordering in a pizza works! Kids know that dads might do things that are different – go camping, hike, play sports or be able to afford that trip to Disney. Kids welcome these differences more than you might realize even though they may complain, compare, and comment.

(News flash: do not take everything your child says about you so personally!)

Your kids will test to see if you’re going to abandon them too even when you weren’t the one who wanted the divorce. They will cause trouble with any new children in your life, they will compete for your attention wondering if you’ll bond with them as much as you bond with a new lover. They will look to impress you by boasting and bragging, and they’ll compare themselves with everything you’re doing to see if they still measure up.

No one said this was going to be easy.

You’ve got to get this. But understanding it and being able to roll with the onslaught of seemingly, testy energy is another.

I find dads who understand and do not get hooked or triggered by their children’s assaults do the best. Those who reassure, who give their undivided attention win. Those household chores are a distraction. (Even if both of you are doing it together.) Unless you’re also talking and listening to one another. Those single dads who feel secure in themselves (ahem, have done some healing work… ) do the best with being a steady presence in their kids’ lives. So what does that look like?

Loving a child comes in different forms.

Not every child is the same. Some children need to talk to you, some need material items and trips to believe you love them. Others will want to spend time together whereas others will want to sit on your lap and have you hold their hand.* Don’t bunch your children all together and then think that car ride to the county fair makes you a good dad!

You will be outsmarted by your children more now than when you were married. They are testing to see if you still see them. They may be super angry and the father who can handle and dispel that anger without taking it personally and becoming defensive wins.

Your kids may play you.

If you have more money, they’ll ask for things above and beyond just to get your attention. The dad who manages these requests with healthy and practical boundaries shows his kids that he can’t be bought. That his love for them doesn’t come with a price tag.

Tell me you love me.

The single dad who reassures and communicates his feelings for his child who needs that reassurance will continually bond. That kid will have their confidence for years to come.

You may want to read another book or add more knowledge to your arsenal of parenting tricks. But your child is the one who holds the secret and the best advice overall. The single dad who remains focused on what his child needs, to feel loved, is the dad who succeeds. This means putting those children first. Paying attention and being agile if the thing you read or understood no longer works to keep you close.

I find that children of divorced parents (at any age) resent sharing their parents. (No matter how hard their new lifestyle may be.) The time they have with their single dads is usually half what they once had. They are desperate and hungry for what their fathers have to teach them. Use that time wisely. (Even when you’d rather have a woman in your life alongside them.) Your children will demand you pay attention to them. And if you’re lucky, and wise, you will.

*The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman might help!

3 Things To Do When You’re Struggling With Being A Single Mom

March 23, 2018

3 Things To Do When You're Struggling With Being A Single Mom Being a single mom is so much more than the cliché about the workload and loneliness. Despite the jokes and complaints, it’s not easy playing both parenting roles. I liken it to being on the frontier… courageously moving your family forward through hardship and exhaustion. Though this time, it’s the frontier of your life. This is the opportunity to forge ahead creating new relationships with your kids and a life you can call your own. Here are 3 things to do when you’re struggling with being a single mom.

When you shut your front door and turn to parenting your children, no one else can truly understand what you’re dealing with. I would never profess to truly grasp the dynamics in your home. But there are a few things I continually hear from single moms on how they handle the unfairness of certain situations and what to do about them.

The hardest piece seems to come into play when a single mom can’t communicate with her children’s other parent is. This sets up both parents for disappointment and frustration. The #1 complaint of single moms, is when dads don’t show up when they say they’re going to. (News Flash: I get this works both ways!) When children don’t get to see their other parent, moms are stuck cleaning up the mess. And that’s hard, especially when anticipating a day or an evening off from frontier work.

Sometimes, single moms will state the obvious, justifying spending more time with their children as a way to smooth over unpleasant feelings. But having a break is a required parenting skill. And way too often divorced parents depend upon the other parent to help pick up the slack and give a necessary night off.

When a divorced dad doesn’t show up, it sets women up to feel the #2 complaint – the sense of “having to do it all” and single moms with kids are tired of “doing it all”.

(I have also found given some time, usually, that divorced dad does come around and wants to help but sometimes it’s too late. The feeling that she has to do it all has become the foundation of how she parents.) When that happens, she’ll start trying to micro-manage how dad spends time with the kids.

Usually, this simply devolves into a horrible fight and the kids are left with two angry parents who don’t live in the same house but regardless, irritate one another. It’s no wonder kids don’t want to spend time with either parent.

It also sets moms up to wonder who he’s spending time with and down she goes into the rabbit hole of the #3 concern, “why am I not dating?” The fact that most kids still spend the majority of time living with their moms doesn’t help this feeling. It truly doesn’t seem fair that the work falls on moms’ shoulders.

Being a single mom means getting off the idea of taking all the responsibility, all the worrying, all the constant parenting.

3 Things To Do When You're Struggling With Being A Single Mom Being a single mom means being a mom who figures out how to ask for help, allowing help to be given and accepting it. Doing so is to have a big advantage over those who don’t. These moms take a break when they need it. They surround themselves with support and they mind what they’re talking and thinking about.

Figure out a way to work with the other parent. This way time away from the kids is secured. If dad isn’t available, ask another adult (or older child) to help out. Whenever there’s resistance to cooperating and/or seeking additional help, neither parent wins and children always lose. Frontier work is hard and everyone always had to pitch in!

While being a single mom, surrounding oneself with supportive friends and family is essential.

Too often there’s this misery loves company aspect to our conversations. But we don’t realize just how bad it is for our mind and emotions until it’s too late. It’s not that the circumstances aren’t tough, they are! It’s that none of us gets out of our own way without shifting some things. Shifting how we talk about our exes is one of the biggest and most important shifts required for successfully co-parenting and forging ahead with a new life.

Find people who understand and are willing to help.

Even trade nights with another mom so that your kids are safe and secure. I’ve heard of divorced moms co-renting homes together (which sounds amazing!) and families bringing in college students to live with them to help out. (News Flash: this is what I did!) Getting a night off doesn’t have to be something fancy, it just needs to work so you get a night off from the struggling.

We also have to talk about minding your mind… this begins with eliminating the commiserating conversations and continues with the awful idea that as a single mom, you have to do it all. You don’t. You never had to. When divorced dads are welcomed to the table, they usually show up. If they don’t and I know that happens way too often, send them to me! I find that most men want to become involved. But they just may need some help learning how to care for themselves and/or caring for kids on their own first. Solo parenting is not easy for anyone and there are new skills for everyone to learn!

Being a single mom, you’ll want to take a break ‘cuz burn-out is real!

Taking a break from solo-parenting is also part of your new skill as a single mom. Sure, you may want to date (you may also NOT want to date). Either option is yours to decide. Dating can be a great distraction but it can also complicate things. It’s complex to bring a new lover into your family just as everyone is getting used to the new living arrangements. That rabbit hole of “why am I not dating?” can become demoralizing and upsetting, never mind confusing. Which is precisely why as a single mom, you have to take time out for healing. Equally important: understanding what you want away from your parenting role.

When dad starts dating, you’ll want to be super clear on why you are or are not. No man can heal your broken parts without you doing the lion’s share of the process.

3 Things To Do When You're Struggling With Being A Single Mom Trusting your children’s dad will come through is a big step in healing your relationships with men. Expecting him to, and speaking straight when he doesn’t, teaches everyone how to set and maintain healthy boundaries. Asking for help when that other parent doesn’t or can’t show up, is remembering you don’t have to do this all alone, and taking time out to heal and to rest is paramount for creating the kind of future you want to have.

I wish I had known all this while I was going through my divorce. These days, being a single mom, I do ask for help. I surround myself with support and I expect my children’s father to take them when he says he’s going to. I hold him accountable for being my kids’ dad. By doing so, I give him the chance to show up too. My children have two involved parents and I get a built-in babysitter that I don’t have to manage. The rest is real and the healing helpful because making this new life work isn’t easy.

If you’re having trouble putting healthy boundaries around your struggles, reach out. doingDivorce School might just be for you. Open enrollment begins shortly!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach with a robust On-Demand Coaching program. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce.

Dating As A Single Dad? Here’s 3 Things To Know Before Introducing Your New Love To Your Kids

March 7, 2018

Single dads, single men, often want to rush into relationships during their separations and after their divorce with such frequency that it becomes a sort of cliche. As a woman, I don’t always get it dating as a single dad. What is the rush? Why rush into a commitment when everything else in their lives is upside down? Children, typically, don’t get it either. Children have the hardest time dealing with their father’s new relationships especially if those relationships are being forced upon them. If you’re a single dad and you’re dating, here are 3 things to know before introducing your new love to your kids.

Here are 3 things to know before introducing your new love to your kids.

Dating as a single dad, please have as much fun and all the sex you want while your kids are with their other parent, but when the children are with you, remember this: they need to be your #1 priority. You need time to re-build or re-create your relationships with them away from their mother before they’re capable of welcoming someone new into your life.

Your children need to trust you again; to know that no matter what happens, you’ll be there for them unconditionally whether they push it or not. (I never said this was going to be easy!)

1) Single dad, those kids of yours want and need your attention.

Your kids know that trust is earned, it’s not rewarded. They’ll dole out trust carefully. You can’t expect them to trust someone they don’t know (especially if you’ve raised them well!) and this is where your feelings could get hurt.

I realize that children are all different, but they’re still coping with your family’s divorce. Bringing someone new into their lives and expecting them to immediately trust this new adult because you’re having sex or are seriously considering marrying them, doesn’t mean your child is on the same page. I recently heard a teen say this about her father’s latest girlfriend: “I’ve met her about 6 times… she’s nice but I’ve spent more time with my bus driver than I have with her.”

2) Your role, single dad, is to parent and to love them.

When children live with different parents, essentially having two homes, there’ll be twice as much stuff they’ll have to deal with. I’m often asked what to do with the child who sides with the other parent? My answer is usually, always, the same: love them where they’re at.

As kids, they’re testing, trying to win your attention, your approval. They manipulate and use adults the same way you did! They know what buttons to push and how much trouble you can handle them getting into.

Why rush into a commitment when everything else in your life is upside down?

We’ve all seen enough after-school movies to know what a child will do to get their parents to see them. Your role, as a parent, is to also raise them to be competent, productive members of society. (Ideally, we need children to be competent adults for the good of all). Often your child is simply testing just how far they can push. They want to know how long you’ll back them up. But just as often, kids will sense during the pushing and the manipulating, the needing of attention, whether you still love them. Or not. You know this too. You know that unconditional love is something we’ve all craved; to know that no matter what’s really going on – the amount of trouble or punishment – you still believe in them.

I have spent time in the police department with my son. As a parent, I may not have liked what was going on, but no matter what, I love the man I know my son is capable of being. I let him know that I wasn’t happy about the circumstances but that I had his back and we’d figure it out. Now, I’m not an expert with the police as some parents are, but I do get that my anger only goes so far. Loving my children during the difficult times is way more important than loving them during the easy ones. And any parent who forgets that love is equally if not more important, will lose out in all their relationships.

3) Single dads, your new love will need to be patient.

There’s a lot of truth to having patience. As a child with step-parents, it wasn’t easy to fall in love with my step-dad or step-mom. After all, they weren’t my biological parents. Even though eventually I did fall in love with both of them, at first and for many years, it wasn’t easy.

Dating As A Single Dad? Here's 3 Things To Know Before Introducing Your New Love To Your Kids

Despite the fighting at home, having a new adult in the family was an adjustment. And visiting my dad and his new family was awkward and unfamiliar more often than not. There’s still a formality in my relationship with my step-mom even though I’ve confided in her, sought her advice, and leaned on her for years. She and my step-dad did everything they could for me and my brothers and sisters. We were the lucky ones!

Saying all that, however, I’m still not sure how much love they felt from us. I’m not sure they always enjoyed having my brothers and sisters underfoot, and I’m not positive they always felt wanted and adored. In truth, these things take time to build.

Children have the hardest time dealing with their father’s new relationships

When you bring a new adult into your children’s lives, they have to be the kind of adult that can put kids’ needs first without expecting much in return. Coping with divorce, kids don’t form the same kind of relationships as adults do with their new lovers. It’s an impossible task to Dating As A Single Dad? Here's 3 Things To Know Before Introducing Your New Love To Your Kids expect kids to be able to bond as quickly as you do.

So this new adult in their lives, this new lover of yours, has to be willing to put up with a lot before expecting much respect, love, admiration or even manners in return. We don’t live in a culture where those rules really apply anymore and even if you want your kids to be polite or your family home is strict, be careful of setting yourself up for failure.

If you’re dating as a single dad, don’t rush things.

I watch my children closely. It’s easy for me to remember how it felt when my mom and then my dad brought home my step-parents. To recall how the new rules in each home took some time to learn. Some of us really balked at them which of course just set everyone up for more arguments. It wasn’t smooth sailing for a very long time.

When my kids talk to me about their fathers’ relationship I have to keep a really open mind. I’m not in his home anymore and I don’t know his lover. So I listen from the perspective of an adult who was once in their shoes. They are viewing things from their perspective, not their dad’s. I know it’s tough on them, there are new expectations and new rules. This woman hasn’t earned their trust and they haven’t bonded with her the way he has. Her presence is uncomfortable and confusing.

Trust is earned.

But I also know that over time, if she’s patient and kind they will learn to like her. If she continually shows up for my kids, and their dad is able to put our children first, they will learn to even love her. She will become a part of their lives and share memories with them. Separate from me. I not only know that, I welcome that for my kids.

I always felt that step-parents and new relationships were about having more love in one’s life. (It’s the only way I let my children have a nanny, go to sleep away camp and to go away to college!) It’s the same with new lovers and if you remember while dating as a single dad that your kids are working through their first divorce and new relationships, over time, everyone will experience more love in their lives.

Does The Thought Of Your Ex Fill You With Rage? 9 Empowering Ways To Deal With Anger & Move On

February 27, 2018

I’m a big fan of anger. I like how it feels as it moves through my body. There’s that adrenaline rush, the momentum, the feelings of power and invincibility. I like all I’m able to accomplish when my anger is focused and directed toward a greater good. But I also know the toll it takes on me. How coming off anger or in this case, rage occurred only when I was good and ready. It was much harder than I like to admit. Does the thought of your ex fill you with rage? Here are 9 empowering ways to deal with anger and move on.

The feelings of anger and rage.

When I experienced this sort of intensity toward the man I once called my best friend and lover, it was an upsetting and confusing time. Here I was, caught up in something I loved feeling while being made useless by the after-effects of the high. Does the thought of your ex fill you with rage? I’ve got your back!

Perspective: here are 9 empowering ways to deal with anger and move on.

Coping with divorce is difficult enough without the heightened betrayal, broken promises, forgotten agreements and unspoken expectations. I hold myself to a high standard, I show up in integrity so when I find myself at the effects of others’ stuff in any part of my life, I have little room for frustration and can easily lose it.

Remembering that every partnership requires spoken and unspoken agreements applies to marriages and being lovers. When trust is broken and you can no longer believe the person you once called yours, a suitable reaction is to become defensive and angry.

(News Flash: I’d like to remind you at this point in our discussion, that two people in agreement and willing to maintain their trust rarely, if ever, end things…)

So don’t expect that you’re going to be able to easily handle unexpected news during discovery or trial. When you see your lost dreams spelled out in black and white, you’re probably not going to remain serene, graceful, and generous. When you have the expectation that being pissed off and in full-blown rage is appropriate, it’ll be a lot easier for you to handle. Every fiber of your being is going to become activated to protect and defend your place in the world.

Childhood lessons: feeling your feelings.

You’ve got to feel the feelings. If you’re one of those people who was taught that experiencing anger was a bad thing, you’re going to have a tough time dealing with the intensity of the rage as you try to figure out how to get over your breakup. You’ll find yourself judging your ex, your family, God, your career, the town you live in and the choices you’ve made. The anger is going to get misplaced: into your eating or drinking habits, the way you spend money, the way you pull in and try to hide your imperfect self from your friends. There’s nothing worse than being raised with some foolish idea that anger is a bad thing.

Anger:

This feeling has created the biggest and the best. It’s won wars. Anger has pushed people out of their comfort zones. Made heroes out of men. Saved lives, rescued animals, protected the environment and unfortunately, hurt some at the same time.

You need to get to know your anger. Become friends with it. Learn to channel that rage to help you solve your problems. Want to know the details of her affair? Use your anger. Need to understand where all the money went? Anger will propel you to hire a Private Eye. Need to understand how long the drugs have been part of your marriage? Anger’s a great place to start an intervention. What about all the lies, cheating, stealing… you won’t get anywhere if you sit still and pretend you can handle the news.

Anger will propel you into action and give you permission to make courage.

But if you don’t learn how to channel it, it’ll also hurt you. Remember when you were a child and you were told (hopefully) that you could feel your feelings but not harm yourself, another person, animals or property? In other words, you could cry, scream, yell, run out in a field, get on a bicycle and ride, go to a gym, run on that treadmill, play your music loud, do sports, and basically get the energy out any which way you needed to without hurting anyone or anything?

That’s what anger allows you to do – you use it to get into action and to solve your problems!

Healing from your anger:

If you didn’t get that lesson and anger is supposed to be shoved down with food or alcohol, drugs and cigarettes then you’ve been set up for illness, disease, unhappiness, and some bad self-care habits.

Perhaps rage was a no-no and you were told never to raise your voice or step up to defend yourself against an unjust accusation, then the thought of your ex is going to be tough to deal with. It’ll haunt you as you try to move forward with your separation.

Get to know what it feels like to channel this energy:

You are so much stronger and more capable than you think! I give you permission to channel your thoughts and energy into solving your problems.

Take that fuel and use it to figure out how to get a job, start a new career, master the tech gremlins and put your pictures online or learn to live within a budget so that you’re no longer in debt or beholden to another’s fickle feelings.

When you think about your ex, plan on experiencing a variety of feelings including rage. You have to expect it’s going to go on like this for awhile. There’s blame you’re going to want to place on them. Blame, you’re going to have to take on for yourself too. Divorce doesn’t happen between two healthy people equipped with excellent communication skills and top-notch intimacy.

Divorce is inherently a betrayal problem and betrayals cause us to defend our turf.

The problems come when you’ve forgotten what it’s like to create a new life, wake up with excitement (and fear) and still get going. You’ve found yourself on the other side of negotiation and still are upset? Be wary of Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™ it’ll keep you stuck in anger for many, many years if you let it.

Control:

If you’re still in a rage over what happened, then it’s time to just stop and get still. Consider how much control you’ve ever really had. I suspect not much. Wonder how much you can control your children, never mind time, aging, the judicial system, and the law? Probably slim to none now. And how much time have you put into trying to? I mean, I can barely control my hair on any given day never mind what my kids do in school or what my ex was doing while we were married. How the heck can I expect myself to handle my future without taking a break from the overwhelming and self-righteous anger? So I did.

It’s your choice:

I chose to get over my rage because there came a time when I was sick and tired of being angry. I couldn’t handle the rush any longer. The over-stimulation. The fists clenched, and the TMJ at night. I didn’t recognize the person I had to become to negotiate my settlement, figure out how to run my home, live in NYC with two kids on my own, and create a new career halfway through my life after not working for quite some time.

It was the fuel of anger that carved out this new me.

But it also began to take its toll. I knew if I didn’t stop these feelings, that I was going to prematurely age. Something had to give and I was the only one who could make that happen. The day got better because I stopped waking up dreading it. I didn’t like how I was meeting my kids with exhaustion and fear, I didn’t like that every day felt like the one before, and I couldn’t imagine going on day after day with this same sort of dread and frustration.

What I did:

I decided to take a leap of faith and let go of trying to control everything and everyone. So, I immersed myself in the community. Took a risk to trust others again.
A decision: I was going to stop pushing myself and see what happened.
I was going to give the ex, the benefit of the doubt knowing that if push came to shove, it would fall in my lap anyway.
Chose to be pleasant. Not because anyone was deserving, but because I liked myself that way better.
I decided that if I was going to be in NYC, I had better start exploring it again.
No one is perfect. I figured that if I was going to have a future relationship with my kids, I’d better stop expecting them to show up perfect too.

It’s better for me and my life experience to have faith and to trust – to regain the very things broken by my heartache and loss.

I didn’t decide to have faith and trust because all of sudden what happened didn’t matter, I decided to take the risk because the alternative became unbearable. I will never forget. But I no longer need to define myself by that experience.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.