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Laura Bonarrigo

Life Coach

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Laura Bonarrigo

Sick Of Being Unhappy? How To Be Happy With Happiness

October 10, 2019

Boy in green tee shirt smiling with happinessWe strive to be happy. It’s an infinite goal for most human beings… be happy! “You’ve got your health; your family is good, be happy!” Yet most adults are not happy. In fact, most adults are angry, depressed, and disappointed. The exact opposite of how we’re told to be in the world and how we want to feel. No matter the narrative you’ve tried to create for yourself, being happy isn’t easy. And for far too many, not being happy drives us crazy.

The standards we use to assess our happiness levels are faulty.

It’s difficult to take an objective assessment of happiness when we use Instagram as a marker. Equally, our obsession with celebrities affects how we value our own lives. In an effort to “keep up with the Jones’s” we often measure ourselves against our neighbors who’s lot in life may be very different than our own. When we compare ourselves to others, there’s little room for acceptance or gratitude. Buzz words we use to decide whether we’re sufficiently happy. And often are not.

Being happy is not easy.

Given this backdrop of our lives, it’s a wonder anyone is ever happy. In fact, fleeting moments can’t be taken for granted. Falling in love feels good as does post-coital cuddling, and a child’s smile. Celebrating a milestone becomes paramount just as succeeding with any task no matter how big. These benchmarks however are too few and far between actual day to day living. When did happiness become so elusive?

We are rivalrous critters and strive in competitive environments. Most of us rise to challenges, seek out chances to improve ourselves, our financial picture, and our positions in the community. We want more. However, this effort brings us back to comparing ourselves to our neighbors, colleagues, and those we admire. A never-ending vicious circle of comparisons. Without an alternative, we become stuck in being unhappy.

Your standard for inspiration and happiness is not the same as mine.

I struggled in my acting career, knowing there was always someone younger, thinner, and more talented than me. I auditioned for roles against movie and TV stars and more often than not, I was the one who didn’t get the job. My career choice set me up for many unhappy days. Moments when I compared my body, face, hair, and voice with those who beat me out for a role. It was a no-win situation. And a recipe for unhappiness.

I’ve had to move the goal posts and reassess my markers for success and happiness many times.

It had to happen. I could no longer walk around being as unhappy as I was. When I did take stock of my situation (single mom, older actress, living in an expensive city) I had more compassion for the choices I had made. These were my decisions. My choices. I could accept where I was and what I had chosen to do with my life. Or not.

At a certain point, we have to know when we’ve done our best. (An excellent marker that comes from our hearts and minds as opposed to the environment.) Once I could admit that I had given it my all, no matter the results, I became happier. I stopped competing with the voices in my head and the people all around me. I stopped competing period. Happiness stopped being dependent upon the status I thought I wanted.

Choose to be happy unrelated to the circumstances of your life.

We cannot keep comparing ourselves to others even if we’re wired to be competitive. We have to decide to choose to be happy no matter what. When we choose to be happy, we’re less apt to do things we don’t want to do. We structure our days to include things we like to do. We start to hang out with people who are fun to be around. Even if that means, making big decisions.

I’ve often written that “you matter.” Because, you do. Your happiness is yours to grab hold of and to choose to feel. We’re not victims of our circumstances or relegated to the lives we’re currently living. There’s also too much help available to us to continue feeling down, angry or depressed. (That’s a good use of Instagram.) If you find yourself unhappy and discontent, set up a quick call with me. Together, let’s move you from where you are today to where you’d like to be tomorrow.

Filed Under: Life Lessons, Powerful Attitude Tagged With: New Beginning, starting over

Powerful Love Life Advice When You’ve Lost Your Soulmate

October 3, 2019

Love life advice fits with this beautiful girl with long hair and a blue tee shirt.Losing a soulmate sucks. It hurst like nobody’s business. For many of us, our love life consumes our lives. When you’ve lost your soulmate, you’re looking for serious, powerful advice. The number of places I’ve turned to is long: friends, coaches, therapists, books; my own inner spirit. On and on. Where you turn to for powerful love life advice is important. When you’ve lost your soulmate, you look everywhere!

Losing a soulmate sucks.

Love is sublime, powerful, kind; in essence, great! We love being in love. But when a love ends, when you’re in the position that you’re the one who’s lost your soulmate, it can be crippling. I’ve been in bed, on the couch, unable to function more times than I wish to count. Each time, it became worse than before. That is, until I figured out what was up.

Turn to a trusted source for powerful love life advice.

Trusted sources for love life advice are few and far between. I personally don’t read magazine articles anymore. They put me in my head and make me feel bad about myself, the choices I’ve made, and the men I slept with. Designed to make me judge myself, I do not read general advice.

I also don’t turn to religion or religious texts or therapists. I appreciate and respect religious wisdom and adore my therapist friends. But I don’t find solace in the past. The past is over and done with and understanding what I’ve done doesn’t always help me moving forward.

Instead I look towards patterns: my patterns of behavior, the way I usually do things. Then I seek out alternative ways of being so I can have a successful love life. I find this information in the cutting edge of behavioral science.

It doesn’t take hours or years to see your love-life patterns.

We do things over and over again until we’re either sick of ourselves or we’re sick of the results. (Usually, those two things go hand in hand.) I find that it doesn’t take hours or years to see patterns. They are the things that feel most comfortable. Or the way we behave in each relationship giving us the same results. They are the things we identify with and when we go to change them, it feels strange.

But just because things feel strange or awkward or self-conscious, doesn’t make them wrong or bad. To change means to be bold. To admit that what we’ve been doing hasn’t give us the results we want. When you’ve lost your soulmate, how you do your love-life needs to be shaken up! The energy it takes to re-rack and move forward comes from the very pain you’re experiencing when you lose your soulmate.

It’s that sucky feeling that drives the next decisions. Decisions create the actions and whatever consequences that come about. If you want a soulmate to stick around, you’re going to have to take those awful feelings and channel them into making decisions that create new actions and results. It seems scientific and clinical. It is. It’s how we’re wired.

Being in love is a fantastic feeling.

Most of us love being in love. But without understanding how we do our love-lives, it’s tough to grasp our part in the loss. If you’re having a tough time understanding why, let’s examine your patterns together. I promise it won’t be too long before you have a healthy, happy soulmate in your life again!

Filed Under: Breakups, Love Tagged With: Breakups, New Beginning, Relationships

Beautiful Bridges – How To Let Go Of What Happened

September 21, 2019

When with arms crossed happy about letting go of what happened.We all like to cling to the past. Caught up in nostalgia, it’s tough to let go of happy memories. The same goes for holding a grudge, we can’t let go of that slight or betrayal. Everybody has a memory worth holding onto. But it’s the ones that get in our way that keep us from building beautiful bridges to the lives we say we want. To our futures. Ready to shed a few tears and to let go of what happened? Good, it’s time for us all to take the next steps.

How to let go of what occurred in your past.

What happened occurred. It’s not necessarily right or wrong. It’s not absolutely justified nor in any way kind. Moral. Righteous or deserved. How you or I would be in the world. Things happened and they hurt.

But because they occurred doesn’t mean, we have to stay stuck in those moments. Nor do we have to be surprised when the memories haunt us. The mind works that way. We become triggered and feelings can be overwhelming.

Feeling the feels is a very human response to help let go of what happened.

It’s when the overwhelm keeps us from moving forward that we need to interject self-love. And a little tough love. You see, you and I, the ones feeling the feels, are the ones suffering from what happened. Not them. We’re the ones who remain stuck in our unhappiness or nostalgia remembering when…

The bridge to build has to be on a foundation of self-love and compassion for being human. If you’re reading this, you’re a feeling animal. We have to grant ourselves the grace to remember what happened, to feel, and to be allowed to let it go. Moment by moment.

These are not sweeping declarative orders… the mind doesn’t work that way. This is more of an “aha” moment… ‘oh, I’m going down that rabbit hole again’ thought that you gently re-direct.

By doing so, we remain very present to what’s up within. And without… are you surrounded by people who will hurt you? Do you need to quit that job? Is it simply the need to change the radio channel you’re listening to? When you take a look around, you become present to what’s up in the here and now.

But the present isn’t always fun. Especially in the heat of intense feelings and overwhelm. In fact, the present is often very difficult.

Creating the bridge to a future you can call your own starts within your imagination. You see what you want. You can feel those feelings and imagine being where you want to be. But in the moment, that can be tough. You may be very far away… feeling feelings you never want to have in the future.

Creating the bridge to a future you can call your own starts within your imagination.

To bridge the past to the present to the future requires a new strategy. First, the awareness that you don’t like what you’re feeling or where you are. Second, knowing a change can be done. That you can heal from what happened. Then the patience to work through the tough feelings and make the choices to change what’s going on.

My clients and I struggle with feeling the feels. I was, after all, an actress. I was paid to cry on TV! So feeling the feels is what I do best. But when I become nostalgic or angry about what happened in my past, I miss out on the amazing things happening in the moment. I also miss out on creating the bridge toward what I want.

That’s when I re-rack and get present to the here and now. I ask myself, ‘what do I have to do now to move my life forward?’ And I get going, practicing what I preach.

When I become nostalgic or angry about my past, I miss out on the amazing things happening in the moment.

In fact, it was only by doing these steps above that I let go of the past betrayal and heartache. By allowing myself the time and place to feel the feelings, I was then able to let go of what happened and heal. It’s what I want for you.

If you’re having trouble with bridging your past to your future, reach out. Let’s set up a strategy session so you can move forward with your life and create the amazing future ahead of you.

Filed Under: Life Lessons, Post-Trauma, Powerful Attitude Tagged With: Breakups, Self-care

How To Persevere In The Face Of Massive Disappointment

September 4, 2019

Beautiful woman ready to persevere in the face of massive disappointment in front of sailboats at a marinaIt happened again. He left without explanation. She fired a colleague. The weekend with your kids was a bust. How often do we have to face massive disappointments? I wager, all the time! So often in fact, it’s astounding anyone has the energy to keep going. How do you persevere in the face of massive disappointments? Below, I’ll share mine.

My wedding day bliss turned to massive disappointments more than once!

I learned to persevere, to allow love back in not by heading to shore and dry-docking my boat but by allowing myself to get back out there! To love, to enter into marriage is a public declaration that you’re willing to risk being hurt. It’s a creative, bold move. No one casually enters into wedlock. You see, I’m definitely not one to shrink in the face of being bold.

But I dislike disappointments as much as the next person so I’ve had to figure out ways to keep going.

As an actress, I’ve faced thousands more rejections than most. Judged on the color of my hair or my height or the number of wrinkles on my face, those disappointments can add up. They are personal. There’s not much I could do about my height but I also didn’t get to work opposite Tom Cruise because of it.

I’ve learned that to persevere in the face of massive disappointments, you have to be bold.

Pick up the pieces, wipe your tears, pull up your big girl (or guy) pants and get going again. It’s not easy nor is it fair but no matter what you want, you’re responsible for doing your best to get it.

If you’ve fallen in and out of love, having had your heart broken a few times, you may know what I’m talking about. It takes courage to keep going. To go online and start dating again. We hope those risks will pay off.

But what if they don’t? What if you do your best, persevere and decide it’s not worth it. That’s fine! You’ve made your decision for now and I’d tell you to try to accept it.

Unfortunately, disappointments come more often than any of us would like. Because change is omnipresent. Things change all around us all the time. And we don’t like it. I don’t like change anymore than anyone else. It can be tough to keep going. I’m in the midst of a massive change right now with my kids off to college and it is not comfortable.

Disappointments are not wrong. Change is uncomfortable.

So I get up each day and decide to feel good. (It’s not always easy.) And when I decide, I also hope – that it will feel okay to be among new people, doing new things. Sometimes it’s easier than others. Sometimes it stinks but like with falling in love, I don’t stay on shore. I get up and head out, being bold and courageous once again. Because, for me there is no other choice.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker, and advisor to those ready to move their lives forward. For empowering and practical ways to begin anew whether personally or professionally, set up a call here.

Filed Under: Life Lessons, Post-Divorce Emotions, Uncategorized Tagged With: Breakups, business, New Beginning

The Unexpected Way To Get The Love You Want

August 28, 2019

Woman kissing a man by leaning over him is looking for love in a new relationship.My clients want love. Usually, I get them right after the heartbreak and loss. Often it’s because of a divorce or a breakup with a significant relationship. They’re hurt, depressed, and a bit lost turning to new relationships as soon as possible. What usually happens is that new relationships end, causing more hurt. But there is an unexpected way to get the love you want and it just might surprise you!
 
Old habits die hard. They’re the kind of habits that caused the heartbreak to begin with. So when you’re about to jump into a new relationship, even while healing from a breakup, you may need to think twice about what you’re doing.
 

Build in time to re-rack, re-learn, and practice waiting for love to come to you instead of chasing it.

 
This is a daily practice. I know, you think everyone has these overnight sensational stories about finding love quickly and jumping into a new marriage. It happens, but the success rates vary and . These stories set you up for more pain as well so avoid them as much as possible.
 

Stop chasing those who do not return love.

 
When we glom onto new lovers expecting them to fulfill our joy and solve our lives, we set ourselves up for heart ache. I know, I’ve been there! Instead, consider finding your own joy, navigating your own day without using someone else. That’s when everything turns around and love is on the horizon again. As you put your life together again without someone else, self-confidence, hope, and optimism get put back on the table. Magic can then return to daily life.
 

After an important breakup, it’s worthwhile to stop and regroup.

 
Sure, sex is fun and lovers are important but so is your state of mind. When you start to prioritize your life and your spirit, you’ll find others gravitating towards you. Wanting you. Chasing you. Then you can decide, are they worthy to let in? After all, your life will be pretty good and they’d have to add rather than hurt you in the process.
 
So take care of yourself first and stop chasing those who don’t want to love you back. Let them go. You’re worth having someone want you too.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker, and advisor to those ready to move their lives forward. For empowering and practical ways to begin anew whether personally or professionally, set up a call here.

Filed Under: Breakups, Love Tagged With: Breakups, Heartache, starting over

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