The stories of people falling in love are way better than the tales of breakups. But we all know stories of lovers who’ve had to part ways because of career moves, college, and sometimes, just timing. I’m sure you’ve had that experience yourself! There’s that climatic movie moment when the music swells and everyone reaches for a tissue… But having to get over your own breakup when you still love someone else is way harder than any movie or book because falling in love is what we all want. Here are 3 reminders for how to get over a breakup when you still love each other.
When you’re falling in love, know going forward, you’ll never forget them.
The pain will get easier to bear and over time you’ll be left with happy memories. Yes, Virginia, there will be the ones who get away and you will miss them. Missing them colors who you become and sometimes, you’re blessed with a deep friendship going forward. There’ll always be this little secret the two of you share and it makes it kind of fun. No one can ever take away the memories of what you’ve shared.
I still remember falling in love with him and I will never forget him.
My friend D means the world to me, we share many happy moments and have for years now. He’s been married, divorced, and married; I’ve been married and divorced since we were a couple. We never quite had a chance to make our love for one another grow into more than a deep friendship. I had to go to NYC to pursue an acting career, he had to stay put and develop his career. It was more circumstantial than anything else. I adore his wife, he loves my kids. When I see D, our conversation picks up where we left off. The best part, no one has separated our love for one another – we’ve just allowed it to change over the years but let it always be present.
Life isn’t fair! Remember that the heart doesn’t understand exams, deadlines, movers or miles. We often fall deeply in love just when it becomes safe enough to feel the good stuff. But not at the right time to commit to the work all relationships put us through.
Falling in love is so much fun.
It hurts when a relationship in its prime gets pulled apart because of timing. I found one of the most discouraging things about my life as an actor was falling in love with co-stars only to have the show close or the job end and for them to move to LA without me. It didn’t really matter that they were moving on, my heart was stuck imagining them next to me waiting for texts and phone calls. Which of course never materialized!
God laughs when we make plans to be in a relationship or take the next step.
Enough said! I especially notice that just when there are plans in the works… a new career move across the country typically is the case… that current lover steps it up a bit. They work extra hard to show you a good time and then poof, you’re off!
I think the hardest thing about love is that it creeps in on us, takes a hold and then way too often gets ripped away.
In divorce, that pain gets exacerbated by public commitments and legal vows. There are children, retirement accounts, and past vacations to wrap up. Never mind putting the houses and the years spent together raising children into the memory bank. When you’re the one who’s spouse walks out while you still love each other, it leaves a broken heart and tons of confusion and anger no matter what the reasons.
This is where life’s lessons come into play.
What I know for sure is that the fight over assets and parenting plans has more to do with trying to hang onto something familiar than it has to do with the actual fighting itself. Whether it be the person in your life, your home, your children or the fight for your self-esteem. And when you’re ready to let go, to trust life is doing you a favor rather than causing you pain, you’ll see that letting them go is the right decision for you no matter how much it hurts.
Sometimes God laughs while we’re falling in love and making new plans.
You may wonder if they still love you while they’re in the arms of another. Or you may be fighting because you really want them back instead. You might also have to let them go because of what they did even though a part of you still loves them. To each of this possibilities is the truth that it will hurt and you will still have to let go.
You move on. You open your hands and your heart.
So you do. You move on. You open your hands and your heart and forgive yourself for holding onto someone who can’t be there anymore. Even if they once filled you completely and now must get on with their life without you. It will hurt. And you will survive. You have had so much practice in your life already.
Those memories of falling in love and being in love are yours to hold onto.
You alone know who they were when they were with you. No one else makes love to your ex-spouse or ex-lover the way you two did. No one else shared those tears or witnessed your children being born or counted stars and kept each other warm on a cold, early autumn night watching satellites overhead. Those are your cherished memories. No new lover, no new child, no new spouse can ever take those away from what you’ve shared together.
You remember not to forget falling in love and step into wisdom.
And you step into the inherent wisdom of life experience, you know that love always comes on the strongest just at the end. Many couples make love a lot just before asking for a divorce. Some even try to seduce the other into bed during litigation. They’re opening up sexually just as they’re becoming less emotionally available, unwilling to do the work that all relationships make us do.
It’s easier to have sex than to dig in and build intimacy in a relationship.
Many people believe the institution of marriage is supposed to be for forever. The fighting and the divorce and the accompanying heartache you’re going through aren’t fair! Sometimes, it also isn’t always up to you and for that, you have to let go and trust.
You trust that your life will expand again. That you’ll heal and eventually love another person. By holding onto the hope that your heart will mend, you make yourself emotionally available to do the work a future relationship will require of you. And one day you’ll look back on those memories you once shared with joy and fondness. (Not during the fighting, not during litigation but waaaaaay down the road…)
After falling in and out of love, you learn to trust you’re being protected.
Remember when your parents told you that you couldn’t follow a boyfriend or girlfriend across the country and you did so anyway only to return home sometime later a bit more humbled when the relationship fell apart? As your heart healed, did you regret the adventure? Were you more appreciative of the experience and in awe of your parent’s wisdom? You were being protected. First by your parents with the warning and then by the universe when the relationship fell apart.
You were not meant to be with them no matter what you felt or what you thought.
That goes the same for marriages and relationships. You have to let go sometimes because when they end, they end. And when they end, you turn your focus back onto you and open up, trusting what’s next for your life. No matter how hard it is or how much it hurts. Your movie is just beginning again!
Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of The Better Divorce and doingDivorce™ School – online coaching programs for those ready to shed the pain of breakups. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com.