Sitting across from a guy on a date who’s going through a divorce, most women can easily tell whether he’s only into sex or wants something more. Usually, women can tell if a guy’s got serious, personal growth work to do. You’ve got to get that when you’re going through a divorce, there are some serious pitfalls of dating that you all too easily fall into! The pitfalls cover all categories of courtship. From wanting sex to wanting a long-term relationship. Unfortunately, though, most women won’t patiently wait for you to learn what to do right when you begin courting them.
To start off, it’s important to manage your sex drive when you first start dating.
Women know you’re want to have sex. We get that you’re all stressed out and need a release. However, women are not there strictly for your sexual needs to be met. Even when they’re horny too. The woman you want is not going to sleep with you on the first date. Seriously. Just this morning, I heard a single woman complain about an email some guy sent her about “his passionate need to have sex in the morning.” She’s never met the guy! Guess what… delete! Unfortunately for you, the more you engage in meaningless sex, the longer it will take for you to disengage from your spouse.
I’m not saying, don’t have sex, just don’t think it’s going to go anywhere good if you hook up on your first night out at a bar. Recognize that hookups have their place but they usually don’t end with warm and fuzzy feelings.
Your desire for a beautiful woman is natural and normal.
There is nothing wrong with a normal desire and attraction for beautiful women. You’ve been attracted to beauty since you were a boy and things won’t change now. However, women are people too. Safe women can spy an unhealthy man from miles away. So figure out who you want to be in the immediate and pay attention to the consequences of your actions later on down the road.
The woman you want needs a man who’s taking care of himself as he’s going through a divorce.
No woman can be your mother and your lover at the same time. Any woman who volunteers to come to your rescue will bore you to tears within months of knowing her! Don’t be fooled by that “let me help you” attitude. It reeks of co-dependence and is a future headache.
Instead, learn to care for yourself. Figure things out. You can manage way more than you realize especially in this day and age when the information you need is at your fingertips. If you don’t know how to manage a home, learn. I assure you, women, worth your attention will find a man capable of making dinner way more attractive than one who can’t make his own coffee or fold his own clothes.
The girl you want doesn’t want to hear about your divorce, but will also put you under a microscope.
I’m going to get real here – you are going through a divorce (or a breakup) and you’re dating. Don’t you think she’s wondering why you broke up with your wife? Why your ex-kicked you out of her bed? Why you tolerated the crap you went through before leaving? You’re going to be under a microscope. You are being evaluated way more than you’re sizing up the size of her waist.
The world needs men who can be honest and good women want honest men.
No woman worth your attention wants a bad man. So the taller, better looking, and wealthier you are, the more a good woman will be eyeing the facts. At the same time, no woman wants to be your therapist! Just like some girl acting like your mom won’t be your lover. So change the subject, learn how to be curious about her.
I guess that means, stop using women strictly for your own needs. Going through a divorce is tough. Get yourself some help and be open and coachable so that you don’t make the same mistakes again. If you want a good partner in the future (and when the anger subsides, you will want one) then go heal.
Become the kind of man you would want your own daughter or your sister to marry.
The woman you want isn’t going to tolerate your drama. But until you decide it’s not worth it, you won’t outgrow the need for it. It’s time to figure out how to wrap up your divorce, get over the fighting, and establish a new relationship with your kids. These things take real time and maybe while you’re dealing with them, you get on the bench. Now I hear you… that sex drive is all up in my face. But honestly, you’re simply fooling yourself if you think drama is going to keep you and your new lady lover together.
The woman you want will not tolerate your lies. If you’re a liar, you know exactly what I’m referring to – the affairs you had, the hiding of assets like your second apartment, and the “buddies’” vacation to Vegas. Women are not stupid. We may miss the signs for a bit, but the woman you want will not tolerate your lies. Just know that white lies multiply and lying, in general, is addictive. No woman, no child can deal with your lies. It feels awful.
The woman you want needs you to be an adult, not some freaky romantic guy.
In other words, you do you and find out what she likes! Most women can’t handle that mushy stuff all at once. When you call us “darling” and “dear,” or send us heart emojis, you might not mean to be offensive but it might just freak us out. Some of us think you’re weird and needy, and creepy all at once. Be sure to find out if you may use those endearments before simply saying and typing them. We may not have grown up next to you and certain names and such might just turn us off.
The woman you want is afraid to have you step-parent her children.
These are primal concerns and statistically very real. It wasn’t until I heard the facts that I got why moms with primary physical custody, going through a divorce are in less of a hurry to marry again then dads. It has to do with our primal wiring and it takes a really, healthy, good man to overcome the innate need to be top dog in the pack.
Being a step-father (or substitute father) is a tall order. There are good men able to rise to the occasion and provide for children not their own. If you’re on that track, in love with a woman who’s a mom, know this is truly the greatest responsibility you’ll ever face. Please get yourself the emotional support that you need. Make sure you know what you’re doing and learn how to do this role really well.
The woman you want has been hurt and is looking for kindness and care as much as sex appeal and passion.
The woman you want has probably also been disappointed in love. She’s had a broken heart and is just as wary as you are to get involved with someone new. That doesn’t mean she’s not available, just that you have to be clearheaded enough to know where you stand and be able to woo her. The courtship is different when you’re older (News Flash: you can’t date the way you did in your early 20’s even though you’ll try!) and the woman you want is totally worth growing up for.
I truly believe that finding love is doable going through a divorce.
The opportunity is yours for the taking. Particularly if you’re one of the good guys!
Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of The Better Divorce and doingDivorce™ School – online coaching programs for those ready to shed the pain of breakups. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com.