Expecting a new lover to fill you up when you can’t do it on your own is a set-up for another breakup. My first breakup happened when I was sixteen – the one where I was at the receiving end of “it’s over.” I needed a date for the Junior Prom. My poor father was standing there watching me. He was at a complete loss as to how to stop the tears running down my face. What could he say to help me get over a breakup and mend a broken heart?
Learn to mend a broken heart because holding on to people who don’t love you, hurts.
It’s a waste of time, energy, and sucks the life out of you. It’s also not up to someone else to mend a broken heart after a breakup. Yet, the comfort of a dysfunctional relationship can simply be so familiar. It’s almost impossible to be the one willing to end it because it feels normal. But we know, something that wasn’t good, to begin with, should end.
Whether you’re the person moving on or not, It’s incredibly painful to experience heartbreak. To mend a broken heart is a real phenomenon that can affect well-being going forward. It can also become a defining moment in your life. It can become the opportunity to shift from being at “rock bottom” to having hope and meaning.
Breakups tap into our basest fears and anxieties. If you’re not careful, it can damage your spirit going forward.
One healthy way to get over a breakup and mend a broken heart is to do some real soul searching. This may sound stupid or too touchy-feely to you. But stick with me… it’s time to get real, very sober and to enact a “get on the bench” attitude before embarking on another relationship too quickly.
Way too often, relationships break up over how people show up in relationships. For example, we think we allow others to communicate with us but in fact, quite often, we don’t. You may be caught up assuming you let her express herself fully. But every time you stopped her from being that bright shiny woman you fell in love with, you prevented her from being who she truly is.
You can’t ever control how others feel. But the same goes for men. Anytime a woman harps on a guy for not being her idealized man, she chips away at his self-esteem and self-regard. No healthy person can stay in a toxic environment (no matter how good the sex). When the need to grow shows up, which is daily BTW, and it gets snuffed out, it’s over because otherwise, we’re bored. We get resentful.
Getting over a breakup requires more than just getting into bed with someone else.
A lot of people mistakenly think the way to mend a broken heart is to get under someone else. (Or on top – but you get the picture.) Let me be perfectly clear, there’s nothing wrong with having sex! The problem comes when you’re using someone else to get through the hurt. Usually, that’s because your identity is wrapped up in being sexual.
Sex is a GREAT distraction! It feels wonderful. It soothes your wounded ego and the attention and beauty of having someone new in your arms is not like anything else. However, this new lover usually is simply a substitute for the work you have to do. And, worst of all, hanging out with someone regularly (NEWS FLASH: I’m talking to you guys who hook up with the same woman week in and week out through your divorce) will cause you to
- Marry someone you don’t truly love because they helped you through your darkness and you feel guilty or
- You’ll break up with them, once divorced, because you’re feeling good and you’re done with them – causing them twice as much pain as you went through.
Until you deal with yourself and take responsibility for what you messed up, you’ll simply attract someone else who won’t want to or can’t love you back.
Yes, you want that abandonment and loss behind you. You want to feel like yourself again and move on to a “real” healthy, fun, richer, kinder, younger, more beautiful partner. But this is when you must trust that timing is everything.
After a breakup, learn to care for yourself the way you mistakenly think only someone else can.
Get on the bench… (especially if you’re still in the middle of your negotiation) Figure out what was missing in your relationship. Do the things you love to do on your own for your own good. Recall the things that are important to you so when you’re ready, you can select a woman more in alignment with who you are.
Expecting someone else to mend your broken heart or to fill your bottomless pit is being irresponsible. No one – no partner, no healthy woman – can fix what they didn’t break. That is your job. It is your role to nurture yourself, become happy, light-hearted and at ease. You bring yourself wherever you go. So do some healing and focus on taking care of you.