There are many contradictions with dating and sex post-divorce. On the one hand, sex is super fun and necessary. Especially if the relationship ended with a quiet and boring bedroom. While on the other, there’s a lot of confusion. You have the need for intimacy, perhaps true love and even, an easy way out when you’re done. Rarely do those first romances last. Instead, the new, breakup pain is much worse than the loss of the old partnership.
The best part of stepping out and starting over is the period of dating and sex post-divorce.
Keep these 5 – crucial truths in mind to make dating and sex post-divorce more fun. They will also help salvage your self-esteem and self-confidence in the long run.
- Every self-help book talks about trusting your gut. Because it’s also the number one thing we forget to do. After a horrible breakup, most of us crave companionship. But, we also ignore all the warning signs and pick the wrong people to date.
Maya Angelou is known for saying, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them; the first time.” But what does that really mean? Those people who study us say, “We’re the only species on earth who try to rationalize away our instincts!”
So, if you feel it’s slimy, trust it is slimy even if you can’t specifically describe what you’re sensing. Furthermore, it actually doesn’t even matter. You don’t have to be right about what you’re picking up, you just need to start listening to yourself again. If you’ve gone through any sort of heartache, you’ve enough experience to understand a bad relationship.
When you first date after a divorce, it’s easy to latch onto another person who’s going to hurt you even if you don’t want to.
- There’s no easy way out – of course, you want to keep the hottest girl or the wealthiest guy you meet. This DNA encoding is alive and well with dating and sex post-divorce. In fact, attorneys argue about this regarding maintenance. However normal these desires, you must get through them.
It’s normal to want to have sex, to date and to quickly get back into that familiar pattern of being in a relationship. Slow down. Be on the lookout for false friends. Really pay attention to your desire to believe the person who dangles money, prestige or a place to live no matter how overtly or indirectly. The frustration of another bad relationship is not necessary.
Someone who respects you wants to get to know you… and vice versa… no strings attached.
- Don’t laugh… look for someone your mother wanted for you – who you can enjoy, trust and like. Not someone who can make back-stabbing promises. Haven’t you had enough of those?
You’ve got to take responsibility for everything – Isn’t it time? This goes along with having common sense about those you hang out with. Along with what you’re doing and not doing or how you earn a living. It means remembering blood tests and condoms. Or showing up and being your word. It includes a little wiggle room for God.
When was the last time you raised the bar on your relationships?
You now have an opportunity to find a true partnership, an exciting career, and new adventures. You’re allowed to date and to be intimate in the middle of your divorce if you wish. These are your choices. The best part is that you get to make the rules starting with the decision that you’re worth it.
- Breakups bring out the not such great parts of us: the needy, angry, horny teenage self that simply wants to be mean, competitive, seductive and to feel alive.
All of this is understandable! You get to step into the force of anger and self-righteousness to create what is fair whether in litigation or not. You also get to move into that steamy, sexy part of yourself that makes the tough moments easier. The fact is sex will always be there as long as you’re healthy and fit.
Anger and frustration, as a rule, feel justified. While falling in love with someone who in essence you just left, feels right.
Dating and sex post-divorce makes the pain of separation much easier to handle. At least until the new love starts acting like the old one. Before long, your boundaries will get crossed again. This is an awful, painful, debilitating, on – the – knees kind of moment when it happens. Instead, chill out and enjoy being single for a while before latching onto the first guy or gal you meet. You owe that to your heart and mind.
- It’s none of your business what they think of you – SERIOUSLY. So what if they’re younger, inappropriate, too old, another woman or man? Let them try to make you feel guilty when you turn them down. Who cares if they keep circling back trying to get your attention. Block them if they’re annoying.
It doesn’t matter what other people want for you, project upon you, promise you or call you. You’re the one who is on your own again. You’re figuring things out, making your way in the world. Find out what turns you on and brings you joy. The number one rule: stay away from users, addicts, manipulators, and narcissists. You know who they are and what they’re capable of doing.
