If you’re going through a divorce, then, unfortunately, you probably don’t know what a happy relationship really feels like. You’re also, probably, most definitely, scared out of your mind. So that’s where someone like a coach comes in to help you understand the process of divorce. Anyone going through this kind of breakup needs a mentor. The process of divorce is expensive and guidance is not when compared to how long most divorces take. You’re going to want help to understand what’s going on legally. And you’ll need inspiration so you can create a new, happy life for yourself with everything that entails. The process of divorce affects everything.
Your divorce is uniquely yours. It’s your rite of passage into a new future…
The legal steps are fairly clear and have their own timeline and rhythm despite the anger or drama. There are legal steps like filing a petition, getting temporary orders or serving the other person. You’ll await a response, then negotiate. Perhaps there’ll be a litigation and trial if necessary. In mediation, each party tries to frame their position and negotiate equitable terms. The settlement documents go to court for approval. Some states require co-parenting classes. Sometimes there is forensics. And sometimes there are domestic violence issues and family court. Each of these legal steps has their trained professionals whose job it is to get you legally, ethically, safely separated.
On the emotional side, things take a less linear route and this is where getting a mentor is incredibly helpful. I believe healing doesn’t truly begin until after that decree is signed. But wearing the stigma of divorce, like a Scarlet D on your tee shirt, also doesn’t have to color the rest of your life.
In order to heal, typically, you factor in a few things. Like how much time you were married. Or the habits formed and the agreements tolerated while with that person. Along with the practices you honed. Then allow yourself time to do your healing work. There are reasons why you’re experiencing this very big life lesson. You definitely don’t want to go through it over again.
A good measure goes like this. Take the AA 12 steps that apply to you and your understanding of a universal spirit and add the 7 stages of grief. Then add the 4 steps to codependency recovery and the 5 phases of abandonment recovery. Mush them all together. Without being facetious, that’s what you have to figure out to get through the entire process of divorce.
Let me make this as clear as possible: you are creating an entirely new life.
First, you will want to decouple from the energy that attracted you to your ex in the first place. Next, you will work through the grief towards acceptance. In the process, you get to rebuild your self-esteem, your pocketbook, and your boundaries. Through this, you will learn to trust again and in the process get back your mojo.
You learn to accept your human foibles, emotional crutches, and then take responsibility for your part. None of us are perfect so learning to forgive and let go of shame are critical. Then you can develop faith, hope, and the confidence to let someone new in. As you can see, this doesn’t happen overnight.
You can continue living a great life while doing your work. You can fall in love, remarry, move, get a promotion and make money. The best thing about a divorce is that you get to start over. You get to decide the kind of life you want to have. However, you must become conscious and self-aware. The divorce process wakes you up because we take ourselves wherever we go. And you have to give yourself the gift of guidance and time.
There are no shortcuts through the healing process of divorce.
The entire process is different for each person. It’s also non-linear with fits and starts. But you really do have to go through all of it or you’ll end up stuck. People who don’t are often deflated or worn out with Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™.
Unfortunately, you can fall in love, move in with someone (who’s a lot like your ex) marry and still have Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™. Or you can make a lot of money, be in great health, have many gorgeous new partners and still have Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™. A sure sign of Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™ is starting a new family then getting divorced again. It’s also statistically certain.
The process of divorce demands respect.
You can’t just wrap it up and pretend your divorce never happened. Nor can you replace one lover with another and expect to be healed. Even more importantly, you can’t argue and fight for the rest of your future. Chances are you aren’t sick or incompetent. You’re most likely just scared, hurt, and angry ready to forget about all of it. Unfortunately, that won’t work.
Find someone to work with like a Certified Divorce Coach. Hire that person to help hold you accountable. This way your new love and your new life will be different than your past. Make sure to find someone to help you understand what’s going on. On a certain level, you imploded your marriage so you could go through this awesome and life-changing rite of passage. You deserve to find the happiness you crave and deserve.