Laura Bonarrigo

Divorce Coach

Life Post-Divorce

Dad, It’s OK To Not Know How To Date After Divorce

Dad with son sitting on curb.Dating after a breakup is fraught with conflicting feelings. On the one hand, you hope for true love or at least great sex, on the other, you’ve no idea where to begin. The thought of hooking up with a new lover at just the time you’re trying to figure out how to overcome the pain of separation confuses many of us. And parents, newly single parents, wrestle with this dilemma all the time. When you’re a single dad, dealing with a breakup like a divorce, you think the right approach to dating looks like internet dating, school playgrounds or pickups at a bar. But dad, it’s ok to not know how to date after divorce; in fact, being unsure of how to move on is actually healthy.

When you’re trying to figure out how to approach dating after divorce as a single dad, you want it to be easy. You want great sex. You desire a beautiful partner. You’re hoping for some fun or entertainment. But then you have your children.

Some single dads mistakenly rush the process hoping to glom onto the first woman they meet and force her into the role of stepmother. Many just want uncommitted sex. Some don’t know where to begin. Many are afraid of being hurt all over again. Most just want a break so they can overcome the pain and anxiety that accompany the change. Dating after divorce doesn’t need to be complicated. It needs clarity.

Your dating life can’t be your emotional processing center.

You can’t expect a new partner to be responsible for helping you get through your day. You and you alone are. Which is why you will responsibly want help from a coach or mental help professional. Your dating life is where you get to show up as whole. And during a breakup, most single dads and their kids aren’t whole. So you’ve got to become whole first before a great relationship (and often, great sex) can show up in your life. This takes time and energy. A real commitment to your well-being. Your health. This doesn’t fit that profile of the cool, single dad out to re-live his forgotten youth. This process describes a man who understands that his breakup and his children’s first divorce actually have emotional consequences and needs to be respected.

Figuring out where you are emotionally is essential.

At first, you’re not going to want to do that. And that is okay. It’s okay to not know how to date after your divorce. It’s even okay to have lousy sex or perhaps, the best sex of your life but not be able to commit to a relationship. In today’s culture, most of us are open to different forms of intimacy and can tolerate what’s going on without judgment. However, you’re the one who’s got ideas about what makes you a good dad and what makes you a good man. You’re the one bringing your stuff to your new dating life whether there’s the “best sex of your life” or not.

Dad kissing a child on the beach.When I work with single dads, many of them respect the institution of marriage. They understand commitment and the rules of monogamous sex whether or not they also had affairs. They know that many women are open to having uncommitted sex but also, they get that such relationships probably aren’t sustainable. Many don’t want a committed relationship at this time. Most single dads reeling from a divorce get it. Which is why dating after divorce also becomes confusing. So let’s make this simple –

You’re using sex to overcome the pain.

Dating is a lot of things but mostly it’s about using sex to overcome the pain of the breakup. Everything else is secondary to a single dad dealing with a divorce. The confusion you bring to the experience is colored by ‘wanting a good woman to talk to’ ‘wanting her to look a certain way,’ wanting her to ‘meet your kids,’ and the biggy – ‘not wanting to hurt her’ when it all falls apart as it’s bound to do. When you rush the natural connection, you implode the opportunity to build a meaningful new love. When you deny the natural desire, you’re lying to yourself and to any potential new partner.

You can’t force getting over a breakup.

Mostly what I see, most single dads don’t know how to date after divorce because they don’t know how to deal with the loneliness. When they’re not with their kids, they’ll do anything and almost everything to avoid it. And this is where we on the outside need more compassion too. If a single dad became single because his wife died, the entire community would rally to help. The community would understand his pain and loss. People don’t usually rush in to help a single dad. Too often, he has to deal with the enormous changes (wanted or not) by himself. That loneliness adds to the confusion of knowing how to date after a divorce. It’s that loneliness or pain that’s being avoided. The natural grieving that accompanies all monumental change.

If you’re now more scared of dating after your break up now, you’re right with me. You really can simply add to the heartache you and your children are dealing with. The wrong person can make things more complicated for everyone. That single dad dating life can’t involve your kids.

She won’t like it.

With most of my single dad clients, a big struggle they deal with also includes the girlfriend who wants to take over and immerse herself in their life. As a result, my clients feel trapped all over again and begin to balk from the responsibility. Emotionally they’re simply not ready to commit. They know on the one hand they shouldn’t bring her into their kids’ lives too fast but on the other, they don’t want to hurt their new lover. They also really like having a warm body next to them at night. The intimacy feels right.

Dad learning to overcome pain of separation walks with son on beach.Too often, when kids are pressured into making it all work, the relationship falls apart. Forced intimacy isn’t healthy. The statistics for second or third divorces verify this pattern isn’t sustainable. In fact, it makes things so much worse for everyone in the long run.

Slow down the dating after divorce.

Resentments build up and misunderstandings take hold when a new partner forces a bond with step-kids. These relationships have to be properly nurtured and developed. In these circumstances, kids make life very difficult for their single dads. I see this time and time again.

When intimacy is forced or everyone pretends to play house together instead of clearly defining the boundaries and expectations, relationships crumble. And children develop trust issues having to confront their own fears later on in life.

There need be no rush to date after divorce.

There’s no rule that says you must develop an intimate relationship immediately. You don’t have to force a dynamic that doesn’t serve your kids or a new partner. You really don’t have to commit to someone just to have sex even if you were raised differently. What you must do is process your feelings and develop a new understanding of what’s going on. You must grieve the loss of your marriage away from your dating life. You have to figure out how to parent your kids on your own. And you must become whole again. When you do that, knowing how to date won’t be difficult.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

Juicy Things No One Ever Tells You About Life Being A Sexy Single Mom

A sexy mom next to twins in a stroller.I doubt you planned on being a single mom. At least not one who would be home with kids (of all ages) and then be interested in dating and having sex. Being a sexy single mom, you may question how to parent responsibly and have a personal life. Especially if you’re the one with primary custody and little time to herself. The struggle to be a sexy, single mom is real but it’s also doable. Here are juicy things no one ever tells you about life as a single mom and having sex that will help you put some of this into perspective.

Dating as a single mom interested in having sex.

MILF… the title introduced to me as a divorced mom. For those of you unsure of what this means, it means, a “mom I’d like to f – ck.” Who knew?! I felt utterly naive. With that title came a lot of come-ons… men, young enough to be my sons hitting on me at networking events, men with pregnant wives needing a little attention, men who expected sex with first date cocktails, and men who simply expected I’d choose them just… well, because. It was a whole new world.

Dating as a single mom negated one very big part of my life: my children. Their well-being, their safety, their happiness, the changes they were going through, and the pain they were reconciling with. Not a single one of those MILF seeking men considered my kids. Of course, they didn’t. And for that reason, none of them got me into bed. Because my kids came first.

The struggle with being a single mom who wants sex.

Most divorced parents do their best to balance personal needs and desires with parenting. I’ve seen all sorts of behavior and am not here to judge. The woman who can enjoy casual sex while her kids are in school or with their other parent is as empowered to me as those who choose to stay home, quiet, feeling the feels, and not getting involved with men. Each is a winner in my book!

When a mom hides her sexual life, she is in a way, protecting her children. It only seems natural to not want to share that part of our personalities with our kids. After all, most married parents don’t share this part of their relationship with their children either, so it feels like the right thing to do.

The hard part comes when there are no boundaries. That’s when the struggle to balance mothering with being a sexy single mom again becomes real. You have to figure out how to make being a single mom work around having sex without your child getting involved with your love life. You have to manage childcare with intercourse, dating with diapers, and “uncle so and so” with questions about why he’s in bed with you in the morning. None of this is easy.

It’s empowering to figure out how to be a sexy single mom.

A woman with curly hair being a sexy single mom standing on a corner with a big smile on her face.I have found that women, moms, are pretty creative people! You really can have it all, it just takes a little more effort and finesse than you might be used to.

Being a sexy single mom, hopefully, you’ve got some support – their father is a great place to start with secure childcare. No dad around? How about a family member or exchanging babysitting with another mom in your same position? Ask a young teacher at school or find a neighborhood teen who wants to earn some money. The effort to find competent childcare is real but not doing so and inviting your children into your sex life, cannot be an option. So find someone to help you!

Being a single mom, you have needs and desires.

Once childcare is arranged you can remember your sexy single self for a while. However, even when you no longer need to play the role of mom, your desires may need a little coaxing to come out. This may take a bit longer than when you were young and single.

You may need to plan a little more self-care time prepping with a bath, some oils, a cute outfit, and a fun evening to look forward to.

You may need to have your hormones checked! We assume feeling randy is natural (and it is) but if you’re new to dating again, you may want to visit your MD and have a full checkup to make the experience less daunting.

You may need to leave your home! Feeling sexy in the same place where you’re the disciplinarian, grocery shopper, diaper changing, the meal prepping parent may not allow you to easily remember your Tantra yoga moves.

You may need to set up some new guidelines to keep your life simple:

  • no one young enough to be your son
  • maybe not in your bed at home
  • stay away from those who smoke, drink, or use (role modeling and all matters)
  • forget those who don’t have a job or a place to call their own
  • be careful of men who may hit on your teenage daughter

Of course, when you’re turned on, a little tipsy, out with your girlfriends or at an event, all rules may be thrown to the wind. But it’ll feel pretty awkward in the light of day when some guy (young enough to be your son) steps over toys coming out of your bedroom and expects you to make him breakfast… So guidelines are a good thing to help avoid the post-sex vulnerability hangover. Not having them just complicates things.

A single mom wants sex…

Being a single mom is easy with kids watching the sunset from a porch.Sure you do. Of course, you do! Please have sex if that’s what you want. Just don’t make things any more complicated than they have to be.

Separate your life. Be a mom here, a lover there. Keep your sensual, sexual side away from your parenting. Not because you’re not allowed to have both, but because your kids won’t like it. When our kids don’t like certain aspects of our personalities, they make our lives difficult.

Teenagers do not want to know that their sexy single mom is having sex.

Your teenagers truly do not want to know about your casual sex life. They don’t want to see you all dressed up and tipsy hanging onto the arm of a cute stranger. Your teenage daughter doesn’t want to compete with you for the car or to sit home with her younger siblings while you spend the night somewhere else. And they don’t want to see someone they barely know coming out of your bedroom in the morning. They want you to be their mother.

Don’t play the fool.

Do not fool yourself into thinking that your teenagers can handle your sex life. They can’t. Your young adults can’t either. In fact, your children, no matter what age, do not want to know about your sexy, single side. That is your secret.

When parents, single moms, mix the two: parenting with their sexy, single side – things get truly messy. I can’t stress this enough. You can have your sex. (Please do if it’s important to you.) Just don’t involve your kids.

Kids, traditionally born into wedlock, just don’t get it.

All kids have a hard enough time dealing with their parents’ divorce, adding intimacy on top of that blurs their roles. Unfortunately, when that happens, they’ll lose respect for you! They will feel insecure and hurt if your latest lover leaves and then have to start all over again when a new one comes into their lives. They will make your life miserable if they don’t like your newest crush. And they won’t trust love themselves as a result.

These are not lessons a single mom wants to teach her kids. Too many teens or young adults are forced into participating in their mom’s sexy, single side and it’s simply not fair. They’re not the ones who need to be the chaperone. And when the roles get mixed up, they will resent the parent who does so. It’s not worth it.

Being a sexy single mom is awesome and juicy!

It truly is. You know what you know about men, being hurt, having fun. You know how to parent and run your home. You’ve figured out what kind of man is safe. And you know your body. Now it’s time to play within the proper boundaries keeping that part of your personality separate so that you can enjoy some fun while keeping the respect you’ve worked so hard to get from your kids.

I can’t wait to hear how it goes!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com.

The 5 Things You Yearn For Most During Your Separation Or Divorce And Ways to Get Over Missing Them

Solitary dark skinned man looking sideways trying to navigate things you yearn for most after separation or divorce.It doesn’t really matter who wants to end a partnership. Endings are hard. We feel the effects of backing down, getting out, and leaving our commitments whether it be to an organization like a company or employer or a family unit. We do not like change. Change brings with it a lot of feelings – feelings that catch many of us off-guard. We miss our kids, our friends, our routines, the lifestyle. One of the hardest parts about separation and divorce is accepting all the changes and feeling the emptiness that separation brings with it. I know you’re yearning for the things you miss. Here are the 5 things you yearn for most during your separation or divorce and ways to get over missing them.

Things you yearn for most: missing your children

You may have been the most absent parent around but when it comes to being forcibly separated from your children, you’ll find the emptiness really difficult. Your children are a part of you and I’ve yet to meet a parent going through separation or divorce who has an easy time letting go. Our need here is primal, not personal!

Too often we beat ourselves up during divorce wondering why or how we could have let these important relationships wane over the years. I find these thoughts impossible questions to answer with comfort. Instead, I recommend feeling your feelings without the need to make them more than they are.

In other words, just miss your kids.

Feel the feelings that go along with the yearning for someone. Understand what it feels like to take the first step and rebuild your relationships with your children. On your own without their other parent in your lives. Do your best to show up for your kids when you’re with them without making things worse by asking them about their other parent. Stay on your side of the street without needing to compare lifestyles.

You will long for seeing them and then, over time, you’ll become as comfortable as they will with the new routine. Life will settle down. It’s up to you how long this process takes and what you’ll do with your children when you have them. It’s best to focus on those thoughts and find the answers you can live with.

Things you yearn for most: longing for your old lifestyle

The routines, friendships, status, and material items you once took for granted will loom large in your memory as you step out on your own. In fact, too many people remain married in unhappy relationships precisely because of material needs and benefits. I don’t blame them! It’s way easier to stick to your corner of a mansion or have an affair than willingly walk away from an easy life.

So when lifestyle changes happen whether you were the one who asked to leave or you were forced out, the struggle will have you pining for your old ways. It’s not easy. This is where comparing your new lifestyle with theirs seeps in all the time.

First-hand experience

My lifestyle dramatically changed once my children’s father and I divorced. I recreated my profession, moved uptown, and had to return to school. My kids and I felt the transition. The vacations and clothes shopping shifted from high-end stores and resorts to online sales and visits to family. These kinds of changes may or may not build character. Regardless, they’re felt physically and emotionally.

With lifestyle changes, the routines you once kept, the friends you once had typically go away. It’s not easy to show up at the same country club charitable dances with a new lover on your arm. You shouldn’t expect to be greeted kindly while your ex is there socializing with your old friends. Do that once and chances are, you won’t be eager to do so again.

Ways to get over missing them: new friendships

Woman in a field noticing the things you yearn for most after separation or divorceInstead, look for new friendships and events that will help you redefine who you are today. We cannot go back. My coach says, “yesterday is as over as WWII”. It’s much easier to strike out on your own and find new people to socialize with, new events to go to, and to create new holiday memories than it is to try to keep up the old ways. New people bring with them new conversations and experiences. It’s going to feel odd but by doing so, you create something wholly your own.

Today, my children and I share holiday and vacation memories that are uniquely ours. I have an entirely new group of colleagues and friends that I adore (and wouldn’t trade for the world). And my lifestyle is getting closer to where I like it to be. I may or may not have more character, but what I do have is the ability to walk through my home with my head held high. And that lifestyle choice is priceless.

Things you yearn for most: feeling safe and protected

On a primal level, we all need to feel wanted, safe and protected. It’s a feeling that comes with our DNA genetic coding. It’s the experience of nurturing our kin and keeping our families, communities, and countries (our tribe) together. All of us have this in us.

So when you’re family or your relationship ends, you most likely will have moments of intense sadness and feelings of being cast aside. You will probably ache for safety and protection, long for someone to hold you at night (and may start sleeping around just to get physical touch). You will think there’s something wrong with you when that’s the furthest thing from the truth.

Feeling safe and protected is also rational.

We create safety and protection by choosing a good place to live. We know how to select healthy people as friends, and to abide by community standards and state laws. Safety is something we create for ourselves moment by moment. The need to stay safe is also in our genetic makeup.

As you go about recreating your routines, stay tuned to the intuitive hits and gut feelings about where to live, the kind of furniture and even the bed you buy for your new home; pay attention to the things your new group of friends does to entertain themselves and don’t be afraid to move on if they’re doing things that threaten your sense of security. The failure to protect yourself and your kids as you recreate your life aren’t left to chance. You’re the one who has to put a sense of safety front and center. 

You know what you need. Trust your gut and make sure your new life has a foundation that you can build on.

Things you yearn for most: missing sex

Yep, you’re going to miss the ease with which your relationship afforded sex (when it did). You will have less sex with a committed partner at first unless you jump into another relationship right away. No one (except your ex and your kids) would blame you if you did!

I’m a big believer in having intimate relationships. For men, intimacy gives them a chance to feel loved and wanted. For women, it provides safety and security never mind a good time. So I’m not advising you to stay home and sulk. However, saying that, most of the time, during separation and divorce, those first relationships do not last and simply create more heartache. They’re usually filled with angst, guilt, frustration because they are not what you’re used to. And they usually cause a lot of drama with your family and friends as you’re all getting used to all the changes.

Ways to get over missing sleeping around

Some people wrongly think that sleeping around or experimenting with new ways of doing it are the answer to the loneliness and their primal needs. Life becomes quite titillating for awhile. There are secrecy and a big turn on factor. Again, perfectly fine as long as you realize the multiple partners and experimenting are a distraction from the pain you don’t want to feel.

When the novelty wears off, usually, you’ll settle into your new lifestyle omitting the group sex and multiple partners for something more familiar and long-lasting. It’s then that you’ve got a chance for your sex life to normalize and improve. You’ll know how to maintain romance because chances are it dwindled during your marriage, and you’ll be grateful for the person in your arms – all recipes for a satisfying and long love life.

Don’t worry about missing sex. You’ll find your way back to it if you want it!

Ways to get over missing feeling loved and wanted

Woman sitting on a beach after her divorce struggling to figure out ways of missing themUsually, women won’t have sex without feeling loved and wanted. Many women don’t sleep around. Many won’t, it’s completely off their radar in terms of healthy relationships. Feeling loved and wanted is underneath most men’s craving for sex as well. We are only human after all.

We yearn for feeling loved and wanted. It’s all over us. We all long to greet a new lover. (When we find one.) This is natural, normal and definitely missing when you first separate and divorce. Sometimes it may take years of healing to allow someone new into your heart.

I see this over and over again with my clients and students as they struggle to find ways to get over missing feeling loved and wanted. I myself had to take a long break from dating before I could trust myself to let someone safe in. Decide what works for you. But don’t think for one moment that you’ll get used to being single. You will but there’ll always be a tinge of wanting love in your being.

When you do decide to let someone in, you risk all the things you’re afraid of. Vulnerability will be present. You’ll worry that they may hurt you, especially if violence has been a part of your past. Be tuned to your intuition and wisdom. Pay attention to your kids’ safety, your own heart. And yet, know that the feelings of love, safety, and protection are primal. There’s no escaping these very basic human needs.

Sex and intimacy feel good. That doesn’t mean you won’t hold all your concerns as equally valid. Both are valid and true. It just means you’re wiser and more experienced, ready to trust yourself and move on after your separation or divorce to the things you yearn for and are allowed to have.

Things you yearn for most: a great life.

It’s your responsibility to decide what you want and to go out and get it. So, I invite you to discover my divorce school. I teach a select group of people how to safely go through their separation and divorce so that they don’t repeat the patterns and mistakes of their past. This curriculum-based program is for those who want to understand this modern-day rite of passage.

If You’re Sick Of Feeling Miserable About Your Divorce, Here’s How To Stop Thinking About It

Group of people getting over a breakup or a divorce on a picnic in NYC.The biggest struggle when getting over a breakup or a divorce is the ongoing, non-stop, obsessive thinking loops that keep us worried and feeling miserable about the state of our lives. Of course, you do your best to stop the nonstop inner noise. But the self-criticism, the anger, and the nonstop, internal fighting with your ex are almost impossible to turn off. Are you sick of feeling miserable about your divorce? Here’s how to stop thinking about your breakup for a while. All of it… the good, the bad, the ugly.

What is all this thinking about anyway?

Obsessive thinking loops are just that – thoughts that go round and round your head filling you with miserable feelings. We all obsess about getting over a breakup or a divorce. You work super hard to figure out how to move on after your divorce even when you’re the one who wanted it. Of course, you’re doing your best to deal with your breakup no matter how much it hurts. No one blames you for trying. It’s just much harder to stop thinking about it than we realize.

While your body is in fear… the limbic system… that part of us that relates to all things reptile (yes, think crocs and lizards) has its own wiring. It’s a deep, internal part of our neurology. It also reacts when our lives are in danger. Getting over a breakup or a divorce brings with it enormous change. Change is life-threatening to our limbic systems. So, it makes sense from this point of view that you’re having a tough time turning off the nonstop obsessive thinking loops. In fact, it’s nearly impossible to do so without some outside help and self-awareness.

How to stop being sick of feeling miserable.

Help doesn’t have to come in the form of medication, drugs or even a good cry. Help comes with perspective and new, better coping skills. And then, over time, an acceptance that life is changing and you’re going to have to change too. It’s almost as if you have to let go in the midst of the fear and trust that you’ll be okay. (You will be okay even when you don’t believe it.)

Without the willingness to feel all the feelings and be open to change, you’ll, unfortunately, remain obsessed and unable to cope with your break up. If you’re sick of feeling miserable about your divorce, here are some ways to stop thinking about it for a while.

Think about something else instead of being sick of feeling miserable.

Soooooo much easier said than done! (Haven’t you been trying to do this all along?)

Well, consider this: if your child was ill and needed your immediate attention or your parents needed you at the hospital, I bet you’d forget all about yourself and your breakup almost immediately. You’d put your attention on someone, something else wouldn’t you? You would take action to help those you love immediately.

In fact, if your parents or your children need your help, you would forget about yourself. Instead, you would focus on them and the things you can control. You’d do your best to help. You’d show up ready and able to lend a hand. When others need us, we show up.

Feeling miserable about your divorce, choose to take action.

Elderly man and woman getting over a breakup or a divorce by learning how to dance together.The best cure for feeling miserable is taking action. Walk outside. Go to the gym. Chop wood. Clean your house. Get into motion and think about taking care of yourself instead of allowing your thoughts to go round and round.

When we’re miserable or obsessed with certain thoughts, it’s tough to shift gears and focus on new things. Getting into activity helps. It may also help you become healthier (and who doesn’t want to become a little healthier or fitter after leaving a relationship?) Activity helps feelings move through our bodies. We are feeling animals and those feelings need to be expressed not repressed and shoved down.

When you move, you help emotions move through you instead of being pushed down and made stagnant. You’ll begin to feel better simply by getting into motion. Then the motion begins to feed upon itself and before you know it, you’ll be running marathons, dancing the tango and getting into the best shape of your life!

Sick of feeling miserable about your divorce? Surround yourself with other people.

Running marathons and learning to tango may not be for you but both have something in common. Both experiences force you to surround yourself with new people. People who are counting on you, who can help you learn a new skill or help you get into better shape.

Surround yourself with new people who never knew you as a couple. That is perhaps, the best thing you can do for yourself.

Follow this woman who is lacing up her running shoes as a way to stop feeling miserable about your divorce.Not feeling up to meeting new people? Of course, you don’t!

That lizard part of our brains wants us to hide when we’re not feeling good about ourselves. But here’s the thing, when you hide and avoid making new friends or taking action or caring for someone else, your mind plays tricks on you. It’ll say some horrible things about you while you sit there trying to become comfortable with your loneliness or boredom. And, the worst part? You’ll believe it!

Then six months will go by then a year, two years. Before you know it, you’ll look back and several years will have gone by and you’ll still be sitting there feeling miserable about your divorce or breakup!

We all do it.

Everyone getting over a breakup pulls in and wants to hide. We all feel miserable when we start comparing our lives to other people’s lives. (Or when we compare our lives to the ones we used to have. Ouch!)

So, do me a favor. Well, actually, do yourself a big favor… go do something that scares you. A little (no burning buildings please.) Head outside and say hello to a neighbor, head over to the local YMCA and join a team. Take a new class. Begin getting outside and exercising your body. Even when you don’t want to and you won’t want to! Expect not to want to. Be prepared to feel really awkward and embarrassed. Perhaps even afraid.

It’s okay.

You are okay.

You are even safe.

It’s not easy to get your body moving or to focus on something else but it is doable. (Yoga anyone?!)  The idea is to get out of your own way and out of your own head. To focus on the things you can control and excel at! Choose to have small wins and to take easy steps.  In general, surround yourself with other people also working toward a happier future. And know, the more you take these actions, the easier they’ll become!

The Better Divorce 25-page ebook link.

 

How To Tell Your New Boyfriend About Your Recent Divorce — Without Scaring Him Off.

Walking, couple, smiling as she tells him about her divorce without scaring him off.When a divorce is done and over with, the next thing to do typically starts with meeting new people and dating. Not necessarily to find another marriage but to find intimacy, companionship, and friendship with the opposite sex. After all, everyone gets beat up in the face of the separation, negotiation, and fight. So knowing how to tell your new boyfriend about your recent divorce – without scaring him off is a big deal! Basically… if you mess it up, you’re in for more heartbreak.

When divorce is done and over with

Dating after divorce feels like a breath of fresh air to most people. (At least those still interested in intimacy, sex, friendship, and even children.) Most people want that soulmate even if they don’t want more. But we forget that going through a divorce is a real thing. It truly is life-changing. I call it a modern-day rite of passage. The memories and feelings don’t easily wash off with a hot shower. They linger like the smell of hot city streets when it hasn’t rained. You see the positive results of healing work when a divorcé has begun to put their life back together again.

Dating after divorce is risky.

You have to understand that without that personal growth, most dating just ends up in extended hook-ups, not lifetime soulmates. It doesn’t really matter what age you are. It’s just that sex feels a whole lot better than facing any sort of healing. Especially if you’re tired of therapy and trying to make your marriage work. (I’m talking about the self-assessment, the lifetime of relationship misunderstandings, the grief, the lifestyle changes few want to face or do.) But without doing the right kind of “work” as it’s usually called, another heartbreak or another divorce typically, inevitably, follow.

For the record can we all agree that breakups hurt? And that heartbreak is real? Can we agree on that? Because most people don’t want another heartbreak. Unfortunately, most people think they won’t be hurt by just dating. As opposed to marrying. Which is foolish and ignorant. You only ensure you won’t be heartbroken by not falling in love with someone else. Which means, no dating and ultimately, little to no sex.

Now that we understand that dating to find true love requires doing some healing (and focusing on the right kind of healing work for you) we can get on with the premise.

Know how to tell your new boyfriend about your recent divorce.

I was very young when I was first divorced. Most guys my age were just beginning to think seriously about finding a girl to commit to. So, I ended up dating all these divorced dads. (Which my mom hated!)

I had to own up to my behavior. My divorce story had to reflect on how I had made a big mistake. Those divorced dads loved my story because I told them I wasn’t interested in getting married again. But my mom was right… those relationships couldn’t go anywhere because I was too young to be a step-mom and forgo my own life goals. Never mind, there was more healing ahead of me.

As a divorced mom, years later, my story had to be told all over again. It was even harder this time! How to tell a guy that I had seen the signs but was too afraid to leave? That I had spent hours and hours in therapy trying to do the work of two people and fell short? Was he going to expect to have to take care of me financially? Was he wondering about the relationship between me and my children’s other parent?

No more could I hide behind a naive young girl’s mistake. It was time for me to own up to all of it. And to find out if this man, this new love, was going to stick around.

A white woman looking straight at camera thinking about how to tell her boyfriend about her recent divorce without scaring him.Everyone gets beat up in the face of the separation, negotiation, and fight.

Fortunately for me, I continued to date divorced dads. So inherently we both understood the process of separation: the lost love, the arguments or the lack of attention, the parting negotiation, the anger, the fighting, the costs. Fortunately, we could commiserate.

But commiserating wasn’t and has never been what I’ve wanted to do. (I’ve been doing my healing!) Commiserating only guarantees more heartbreak because both people stay stuck. I have always wanted the real deal.

Getting through the pain and healing of divorce takes a commitment and some tough work. You learn to own your part. The ugly, imperfect qualities you inhabited or expressed during the past relationship. You learn to face your preconceived misunderstandings about relationship and marriage, the opposite sex, and your role as spouse and parent.

How To Tell Your New Boyfriend About Your Recent Divorce — Without Scaring Him Off.

Through trial and error, I’ve learned, you start off on the right foot. You share your version of your truth. There’s no need (if you’ve done some healing) to share all the details. It’s much easier not to indulge the latest gossip or whining and complaining. When you show up with some graciousness and wisdom, it goes a long way to earning a guy’s trust.

I also refuse to trash talk my children’s father or a divorced dad’s ex-wife. Trash talking doesn’t get anyone anywhere close to a soulmate. You know this by now! If you’re trash-talking your ex, he’s thinking, he’ll be the next man being trashed by you. And if he’s bad-mouthing his ex and his kids, you know, it’s just a question of time before you’ll be the next woman he hates.

Creating intimacy, companionship, and friendship with the opposite sex.

Too many people leave a marriage filled with resentments and anger about their ex-spouse but transfer that anger and resentments onto other women or men.

If you’re still angry and processing the hurt, don’t expect to find the love of your life. Instead, socialize and then date to heal your experiences with the opposite sex. There are good people on this planet. Kind people. But until you’re feeling worthy of love and kindness, you won’t feel comfortable around good people.

You’ll be so caught up in not trusting anyone, that you won’t be able to be around people, men, who want to do good things for you. It’s an odd sensation. You want sex. Attention feels good but you don’t trust the guy next to you. And how could you? Afterall, going through a divorce is a real thing.

You can’t create a new love with resentments and anger.

So when you’re dating a new guy and you really, really like him, press pause for a minute. It’s time for some assessing. Can you talk about your ex without becoming hot and bothered? Have you made peace with your lifestyle adjustment? Are you standing on your own two feet again?

If you can’t answer these prompts with something positive, you’re not really ready to fall in love. Sure, you can use a man to heal. You can experience good sex, intimate conversations, learn to trust guys again, but you’ll scare him off if you share what’s really going on for you. He’ll think he can’t fill your bottomless pit.

All it means is that you’ve got more emotional healing work to do. (I’d be lying if I wrote anything else.)

Woman with cateye eyeliner and subtle makeup looking off into the distance thinking about how to tell her boyfriend about her recent divorce without scaring him off.It’s doable.

When a guy comes to me and talks about the woman he’s crazy about but goes on and on about her pain – the pain he can’t help her heal – I remind him it’s not his job to heal a woman’s pain. It’s her job.

And it’s doable. If you interested in finding a soulmate (or just a partner and a father for your kids) then you owe it to yourself and to him to do your own work. Stop yourself before even thinking of using other people for the emotional growth you’re capable of doing on your own. Bring him your best self.

Telling your boyfriend about your recent divorce without scaring him off is a big deal!

Basically… if you mess it up, you’re in for more heartbreak. No man can do your healing for you. (And you can’t do his!) Your process is your responsibility. Most people want true intimacy and love. Most divorced dads want a woman to fill the hole in the family structure. They want kindness. You have to be able to trust them.

So when you go to tell your boyfriend about your divorce, do so with the wisdom you’ve gained from this modern-day rite of passage. Know who you are now away from the courtship, the fighting, and the divorce. Learn to trust your intuition and believe you’re worthy of true love. Why else be out there dating and worrying about telling your boyfriend about your recent divorce?

I firmly believe in the power of love.

I truly believe those leaving a divorce are looking for a soulmate (not just someone to hang out with). But I’ve also had to learn the hard way that there’s a real process to overcome the effects of a divorce. It takes real time and a commitment to find the healing for you.

When you do, you’ll be ready to tell your new boyfriend about your recent divorce and he’ll admire all you’ve learned. He’ll be able to trust you with his heart. He’ll know you’re capable of handling pressure and stress. You’ll impress him with your strength and your ability to love again. You’ll inspire him to want to be with you. And you won’t scare him off!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.