Laura Bonarrigo

Divorce Coach

Life Post-Divorce

The 5 Things You Yearn For Most During Your Separation Or Divorce And Ways to Get Over Missing Them

Solitary dark skinned man looking sideways trying to navigate things you yearn for most after separation or divorce.It doesn’t really matter who wants to end a partnership. Endings are hard. We feel the effects of backing down, getting out, and leaving our commitments whether it be to an organization like a company or employer or a family unit. We do not like change. Change brings with it a lot of feelings – feelings that catch many of us off-guard. We miss our kids, our friends, our routines, the lifestyle. One of the hardest parts about separation and divorce is accepting all the changes and feeling the emptiness that separation brings with it. I know you’re yearning for the things you miss. Here are the 5 things you yearn for most during your separation or divorce and ways to get over missing them.

Things you yearn for most: missing your children

You may have been the most absent parent around but when it comes to being forcibly separated from your children, you’ll find the emptiness really difficult. Your children are a part of you and I’ve yet to meet a parent going through separation or divorce who has an easy time letting go. Our need here is primal, not personal!

Too often we beat ourselves up during divorce wondering why or how we could have let these important relationships wane over the years. I find these thoughts impossible questions to answer with comfort. Instead, I recommend feeling your feelings without the need to make them more than they are.

In other words, just miss your kids.

Feel the feelings that go along with the yearning for someone. Understand what it feels like to take the first step and rebuild your relationships with your children. On your own without their other parent in your lives. Do your best to show up for your kids when you’re with them without making things worse by asking them about their other parent. Stay on your side of the street without needing to compare lifestyles.

You will long for seeing them and then, over time, you’ll become as comfortable as they will with the new routine. Life will settle down. It’s up to you how long this process takes and what you’ll do with your children when you have them. It’s best to focus on those thoughts and find the answers you can live with.

Things you yearn for most: longing for your old lifestyle

The routines, friendships, status, and material items you once took for granted will loom large in your memory as you step out on your own. In fact, too many people remain married in unhappy relationships precisely because of material needs and benefits. I don’t blame them! It’s way easier to stick to your corner of a mansion or have an affair than willingly walk away from an easy life.

So when lifestyle changes happen whether you were the one who asked to leave or you were forced out, the struggle will have you pining for your old ways. It’s not easy. This is where comparing your new lifestyle with theirs seeps in all the time.

First-hand experience

My lifestyle dramatically changed once my children’s father and I divorced. I recreated my profession, moved uptown, and had to return to school. My kids and I felt the transition. The vacations and clothes shopping shifted from high-end stores and resorts to online sales and visits to family. These kinds of changes may or may not build character. Regardless, they’re felt physically and emotionally.

With lifestyle changes, the routines you once kept, the friends you once had typically go away. It’s not easy to show up at the same country club charitable dances with a new lover on your arm. You shouldn’t expect to be greeted kindly while your ex is there socializing with your old friends. Do that once and chances are, you won’t be eager to do so again.

Ways to get over missing them: new friendships

Woman in a field noticing the things you yearn for most after separation or divorceInstead, look for new friendships and events that will help you redefine who you are today. We cannot go back. My coach says, “yesterday is as over as WWII”. It’s much easier to strike out on your own and find new people to socialize with, new events to go to, and to create new holiday memories than it is to try to keep up the old ways. New people bring with them new conversations and experiences. It’s going to feel odd but by doing so, you create something wholly your own.

Today, my children and I share holiday and vacation memories that are uniquely ours. I have an entirely new group of colleagues and friends that I adore (and wouldn’t trade for the world). And my lifestyle is getting closer to where I like it to be. I may or may not have more character, but what I do have is the ability to walk through my home with my head held high. And that lifestyle choice is priceless.

Things you yearn for most: feeling safe and protected

On a primal level, we all need to feel wanted, safe and protected. It’s a feeling that comes with our DNA genetic coding. It’s the experience of nurturing our kin and keeping our families, communities, and countries (our tribe) together. All of us have this in us.

So when you’re family or your relationship ends, you most likely will have moments of intense sadness and feelings of being cast aside. You will probably ache for safety and protection, long for someone to hold you at night (and may start sleeping around just to get physical touch). You will think there’s something wrong with you when that’s the furthest thing from the truth.

Feeling safe and protected is also rational.

We create safety and protection by choosing a good place to live. We know how to select healthy people as friends, and to abide by community standards and state laws. Safety is something we create for ourselves moment by moment. The need to stay safe is also in our genetic makeup.

As you go about recreating your routines, stay tuned to the intuitive hits and gut feelings about where to live, the kind of furniture and even the bed you buy for your new home; pay attention to the things your new group of friends does to entertain themselves and don’t be afraid to move on if they’re doing things that threaten your sense of security. The failure to protect yourself and your kids as you recreate your life aren’t left to chance. You’re the one who has to put a sense of safety front and center. 

You know what you need. Trust your gut and make sure your new life has a foundation that you can build on.

Things you yearn for most: missing sex

Yep, you’re going to miss the ease with which your relationship afforded sex (when it did). You will have less sex with a committed partner at first unless you jump into another relationship right away. No one (except your ex and your kids) would blame you if you did!

I’m a big believer in having intimate relationships. For men, intimacy gives them a chance to feel loved and wanted. For women, it provides safety and security never mind a good time. So I’m not advising you to stay home and sulk. However, saying that, most of the time, during separation and divorce, those first relationships do not last and simply create more heartache. They’re usually filled with angst, guilt, frustration because they are not what you’re used to. And they usually cause a lot of drama with your family and friends as you’re all getting used to all the changes.

Ways to get over missing sleeping around

Some people wrongly think that sleeping around or experimenting with new ways of doing it are the answer to the loneliness and their primal needs. Life becomes quite titillating for awhile. There are secrecy and a big turn on factor. Again, perfectly fine as long as you realize the multiple partners and experimenting are a distraction from the pain you don’t want to feel.

When the novelty wears off, usually, you’ll settle into your new lifestyle omitting the group sex and multiple partners for something more familiar and long-lasting. It’s then that you’ve got a chance for your sex life to normalize and improve. You’ll know how to maintain romance because chances are it dwindled during your marriage, and you’ll be grateful for the person in your arms – all recipes for a satisfying and long love life.

Don’t worry about missing sex. You’ll find your way back to it if you want it!

Ways to get over missing feeling loved and wanted

Woman sitting on a beach after her divorce struggling to figure out ways of missing themUsually, women won’t have sex without feeling loved and wanted. Many women don’t sleep around. Many won’t, it’s completely off their radar in terms of healthy relationships. Feeling loved and wanted is underneath most men’s craving for sex as well. We are only human after all.

We yearn for feeling loved and wanted. It’s all over us. We all long to greet a new lover. (When we find one.) This is natural, normal and definitely missing when you first separate and divorce. Sometimes it may take years of healing to allow someone new into your heart.

I see this over and over again with my clients and students as they struggle to find ways to get over missing feeling loved and wanted. I myself had to take a long break from dating before I could trust myself to let someone safe in. Decide what works for you. But don’t think for one moment that you’ll get used to being single. You will but there’ll always be a tinge of wanting love in your being.

When you do decide to let someone in, you risk all the things you’re afraid of. Vulnerability will be present. You’ll worry that they may hurt you, especially if violence has been a part of your past. Be tuned to your intuition and wisdom. Pay attention to your kids’ safety, your own heart. And yet, know that the feelings of love, safety, and protection are primal. There’s no escaping these very basic human needs.

Sex and intimacy feel good. That doesn’t mean you won’t hold all your concerns as equally valid. Both are valid and true. It just means you’re wiser and more experienced, ready to trust yourself and move on after your separation or divorce to the things you yearn for and are allowed to have.

Things you yearn for most: a great life.

It’s your responsibility to decide what you want and to go out and get it. So, I invite you to discover my divorce school. I teach a select group of people how to safely go through their separation and divorce so that they don’t repeat the patterns and mistakes of their past. This curriculum-based program is for those who want to understand this modern-day rite of passage and avoid what I call, Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder.™ Apply here for my upcoming class. 

Sick Of Feeling Miserable About Your Divorce? Here’s How To Stop Thinking About It For A While

Group of people getting over a breakup or a divorce on a picnic in NYC.The biggest struggle when getting over a breakup or a divorce is the ongoing, non-stop, obsessive thinking loops that keep us worried and feeling miserable about the state of our lives. Of course, you do your best to stop the nonstop inner noise. I know that. But the self-criticism, the anger, the nonstop, internal fighting with your ex is almost impossible to turn off! Sick of feeling miserable about your divorce? Here’s how to stop thinking about it for awhile. All of it… the good, the bad, the ugly.

What is all this thinking about anyway?

Obsessive thinking loops are just that – thoughts that go round and round your head filling you with miserable feelings. We all get obsessed about getting over a breakup or a divorce. You work super hard to figure out how to move on after your divorce even when you’re the one who didn’t want it. I know that you’re doing your best to figure out how to deal with your breakup no matter how much it hurts. No one blames you for trying. It’s just much harder to stop thinking about it than we realize.

While your body is in fear… the limbic system… that part of us that relates to all things reptile (yes, think crocs and lizards) has its own wiring. It’s a deep, internal part of our neurology. It also reacts when our lives are in danger. Getting over a breakup or a divorce brings with it enormous change. Change is life-threatening to our limbic systems. It makes sense from this point of view that you’re having a tough time turning off the nonstop obsessive thinking loops. In fact, it’s nearly impossible to do so without some outside help and awareness.

How to stop feeling miserable?

Help doesn’t have to come in the form of medication, alcohol, drugs or even a good cry. Help comes with perspective and new, better coping skills. And then, over time, an acceptance that life is changing and you’re going to have to change too. It’s almost as if you have to let go in the midst of the fear trusting that you’ll be okay. (You will be okay even when you don’t believe it.)

Without the willingness to feel and to breathe and to learn and to be open to change, you’ll, unfortunately, remain obsessed, miserable, unable to cope with your break up. If you’re sick of feeling miserable about your divorce, here are some ways to stop thinking about it for a while.

Think about something else.

Soooooo much easier said than done! (Haven’t you been trying to do this all along?)

Well, consider this: if your child was ill and needed your immediate attention or your parents needed you at the hospital, I bet you’d forget all about yourself and your breakup almost immediately. You’d put your attention on someone, something else wouldn’t you? You’d step into taking action to help those you love.

If your parents or your children needed your help, there’d be NO time to beat yourself up. You would work to focus on the things you can control. You’d do your best to help. You’d show up ready and able to lend a hand. When others need us, we show up.

When getting over a breakup or a divorce, focus on the things you can control.

The problems you want to solve (rather than have to solve). Consider the projects that interest you. The things you want to learn or the things you have to do in front of you that when completed, will help you feel good about yourself. In other words, decide that you and your well-being matter enough to focus on feeling good about the things you can manage and control instead of beating yourself up for the things you can’t.

It’s time to take action.

Elderly man and woman getting over a breakup or a divorce by learning how to dance together.The best cure for feeling miserable is taking action. Walk outside. Go to the gym. Chop wood. Clean your house. Get into motion and think about taking care of yourself instead of allowing your thoughts to continue to beat you up.

When we’re miserable or obsessed with certain thoughts like getting over a breakup or a divorce, it’s tough to shift gears and focus on new things. Getting into activity helps. It may also help you become healthier (and who doesn’t want to become a little healthier or fitter after leaving a relationship?) Activity helps everyone move feelings through their bodies. We are feeling animals and those feelings need to be expressed not repressed and shoved down.

When you move, you help emotions move through you instead of being pushed down and made stagnant. You’ll begin to feel better simply by getting into motion. Then the motion begins to feed upon itself and before you know it, you’ll be running marathons, dancing the tango and getting into the best shape of your life!

Sick of feeling miserable? Surround yourself with other people.

Running marathons and learning to tango may not be for you but both have something in common. Both experiences force you to surround yourself with new people. People who are counting on you. People who can handle your stuff, who can help you learn a new skill or help you get into better shape.

Surrounding yourself with new people who never knew you as a couple is perhaps, the best thing you can do for yourself.

Woman lacing up her running shoes as a way to get over a breakup or a divorce.Not feeling up to meeting new people? Of course, you don’t!

That lizard part of our brains wants us to hide when we’re not feeling good about ourselves. But here’s the thing, when you hide and avoid making new friends or taking action or caring for someone else, your mind plays tricks on you. It’ll say some horrible things about you while you sit there trying to become comfortable with your loneliness or boredom. And, the worst part? You’ll believe it!

And six months will go by then a year, two years. Before you know it, you’ll look back and several years will have gone by and you’ll still be sitting there feeling miserable about your divorce or breakup!

We all do it.

Everyone getting over a breakup pulls in and wants to hide. We all feel miserable when we start comparing our lives to other people’s lives. (Or when we compare our lives to the ones we used to have. Which really stinks by the way!)

So, do me a favor. Well, actually, do yourself a big favor… go do something that scares you. A little (no burning buildings please.) Go outside and say hello to a neighbor, begin to volunteer, head over to the local YMCA and join a team. Take a class. Begin getting outside and exercising your body. Even when you don’t want to -and you won’t want to! Expect not to want to. Be prepared to feel really awkward and embarrassed. Perhaps even afraid.

It’s okay.

You are okay.

You are even safe.

Get your body moving and focusing on someone else or something else isn’t easy but it is doable. (Yoga anyone?!)  The idea is to get out of your own way and out of your own head. To focus on the things you can control and excel at! Make them small wins, easy steps; ones you can excel at. Surround yourself with other people also working toward a happier and future. And know, the more you take these actions, the easier they’ll become!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com.

 

How To Tell Your New Boyfriend About Your Recent Divorce — Without Scaring Him Off.

Walking, couple, smiling as she tells him about her divorce without scaring him off.When a divorce is done and over with, the next thing to do typically starts with meeting new people and dating. Not necessarily to find another marriage but to find intimacy, companionship, and friendship with the opposite sex. After all, everyone gets beat up in the face of the separation, negotiation, and fight. So knowing how to tell your new boyfriend about your recent divorce – without scaring him off is a big deal! Basically… if you mess it up, you’re in for more heartbreak.

When divorce is done and over with

Dating after divorce feels like a breath of fresh air to most people. (At least those still interested in intimacy, sex, friendship, and even children.) Most people want that soulmate even if they don’t want more. But we forget that going through a divorce is a real thing. It truly is life-changing. I call it a modern-day rite of passage. The memories and feelings don’t easily wash off with a hot shower. They linger like the smell of hot city streets when it hasn’t rained. You see the positive results of healing work when a divorcé has begun to put their life back together again.

Dating after divorce is risky.

You have to understand that without that personal growth, most dating just ends up in extended hook-ups, not lifetime soulmates. It doesn’t really matter what age you are. It’s just that sex feels a whole lot better than facing any sort of healing. Especially if you’re tired of therapy and trying to make your marriage work. (I’m talking about the self-assessment, the lifetime of relationship misunderstandings, the grief, the lifestyle changes few want to face or do.) But without doing the right kind of “work” as it’s usually called, another heartbreak or another divorce typically, inevitably, follow.

For the record can we all agree that breakups hurt? And that heartbreak is real? Can we agree on that? Because most people don’t want another heartbreak. Unfortunately, most people think they won’t be hurt by just dating. As opposed to marrying. Which is foolish and ignorant. You only ensure you won’t be heartbroken by not falling in love with someone else. Which means, no dating and ultimately, little to no sex.

Now that we understand that dating to find true love requires doing some healing (and focusing on the right kind of healing work for you) we can get on with the premise.

Know how to tell your new boyfriend about your recent divorce.

I was very young when I was first divorced. Most guys my age were just beginning to think seriously about finding a girl to commit to. So, I ended up dating all these divorced dads. (Which my mom hated!)

I had to own up to my behavior. My divorce story had to reflect on how I had made a big mistake. Those divorced dads loved my story because I told them I wasn’t interested in getting married again. But my mom was right… those relationships couldn’t go anywhere because I was too young to be a step-mom and forgo my own life goals. Never mind, there was more healing ahead of me.

As a divorced mom, years later, my story had to be told all over again. It was even harder this time! How to tell a guy that I had seen the signs but was too afraid to leave? That I had spent hours and hours in therapy trying to do the work of two people and fell short? Was he going to expect to have to take care of me financially? Was he wondering about the relationship between me and my children’s other parent?

No more could I hide behind a naive young girl’s mistake. It was time for me to own up to all of it. And to find out if this man, this new love, was going to stick around.

A white woman looking straight at camera thinking about how to tell her boyfriend about her recent divorce without scaring him.Everyone gets beat up in the face of the separation, negotiation, and fight.

Fortunately for me, I continued to date divorced dads. So inherently we both understood the process of separation: the lost love, the arguments or the lack of attention, the parting negotiation, the anger, the fighting, the costs. Fortunately, we could commiserate.

But commiserating wasn’t and has never been what I’ve wanted to do. (I’ve been doing my healing!) Commiserating only guarantees more heartbreak because both people stay stuck. I have always wanted the real deal.

Getting through the pain and healing of divorce takes a commitment and some tough work. You learn to own your part. The ugly, imperfect qualities you inhabited or expressed during the past relationship. You learn to face your preconceived misunderstandings about relationship and marriage, the opposite sex, and your role as spouse and parent.

How To Tell Your New Boyfriend About Your Recent Divorce — Without Scaring Him Off.

Through trial and error, I’ve learned, you start off on the right foot. You share your version of your truth. There’s no need (if you’ve done some healing) to share all the details. It’s much easier not to indulge the latest gossip or whining and complaining. When you show up with some graciousness and wisdom, it goes a long way to earning a guy’s trust.

I also refuse to trash talk my children’s father or a divorced dad’s ex-wife. Trash talking doesn’t get anyone anywhere close to a soulmate. You know this by now! If you’re trash-talking your ex, he’s thinking, he’ll be the next man being trashed by you. And if he’s bad-mouthing his ex and his kids, you know, it’s just a question of time before you’ll be the next woman he hates.

Creating intimacy, companionship, and friendship with the opposite sex.

Too many people leave a marriage filled with resentments and anger about their ex-spouse but transfer that anger and resentments onto other women or men.

If you’re still angry and processing the hurt, don’t expect to find the love of your life. Instead, socialize and then date to heal your experiences with the opposite sex. There are good people on this planet. Kind people. But until you’re feeling worthy of love and kindness, you won’t feel comfortable around good people.

You’ll be so caught up in not trusting anyone, that you won’t be able to be around people, men, who want to do good things for you. It’s an odd sensation. You want sex. Attention feels good but you don’t trust the guy next to you. And how could you? Afterall, going through a divorce is a real thing.

You can’t create a new love with resentments and anger.

So when you’re dating a new guy and you really, really like him, press pause for a minute. It’s time for some assessing. Can you talk about your ex without becoming hot and bothered? Have you made peace with your lifestyle adjustment? Are you standing on your own two feet again?

If you can’t answer these prompts with something positive, you’re not really ready to fall in love. Sure, you can use a man to heal. You can experience good sex, intimate conversations, learn to trust guys again, but you’ll scare him off if you share what’s really going on for you. He’ll think he can’t fill your bottomless pit.

All it means is that you’ve got more emotional healing work to do. (I’d be lying if I wrote anything else.)

Woman with cateye eyeliner and subtle makeup looking off into the distance thinking about how to tell her boyfriend about her recent divorce without scaring him off.It’s doable.

When a guy comes to me and talks about the woman he’s crazy about but goes on and on about her pain – the pain he can’t help her heal – I remind him it’s not his job to heal a woman’s pain. It’s her job.

And it’s doable. If you interested in finding a soulmate (or just a partner and a father for your kids) then you owe it to yourself and to him to do your own work. Stop yourself before even thinking of using other people for the emotional growth you’re capable of doing on your own. Bring him your best self.

Telling your boyfriend about your recent divorce without scaring him off is a big deal!

Basically… if you mess it up, you’re in for more heartbreak. No man can do your healing for you. (And you can’t do his!) Your process is your responsibility. Most people want true intimacy and love. Most divorced dads want a woman to fill the hole in the family structure. They want kindness. You have to be able to trust them.

So when you go to tell your boyfriend about your divorce, do so with the wisdom you’ve gained from this modern-day rite of passage. Know who you are now away from the courtship, the fighting, and the divorce. Learn to trust your intuition and believe you’re worthy of true love. Why else be out there dating and worrying about telling your boyfriend about your recent divorce?

I firmly believe in the power of love.

I truly believe those leaving a divorce are looking for a soulmate (not just someone to hang out with). But I’ve also had to learn the hard way that there’s a real process to overcome the effects of a divorce. It takes real time and a commitment to find the healing for you.

When you do, you’ll be ready to tell your new boyfriend about your recent divorce and he’ll admire all you’ve learned. He’ll be able to trust you with his heart. He’ll know you’re capable of handling pressure and stress. You’ll impress him with your strength and your ability to love again. You’ll inspire him to want to be with you. And you won’t scare him off!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

 

Sick Of Feeling Miserable About Your Divorce? Here’s How To Stop Thinking About It For A While

Woman on beach not thinking about her divorce for awhileSummertime is upon us and for those struggling with the legal and emotional needs of separating from a long-term relationship, you may be anticipating long hours working with your attorney or bemoaning your relationship status. Are you sick of feeling miserable about your divorce? Here’s how to stop thinking about it for a while so that you don’t lose all the sunshine and fun available to you over the next few months.

Feeling miserable about your divorce is to be expected.

It’s natural that you’ll feel the hit. Whether you were the one who wanted out or not. But it’s not so easy to stop thinking about your divorce, even for a little while and this is where frustration and anger come in. No one wants to lose the summer fun we’ve all grown to expect. When you catch everyone up on the latest legal twists and turns of your case, you can ruin a good burger never mind a few friendships.

Here’s how to stop thinking about your divorce for a while.

Focus on those in front of you. Focus on what their lives are all about. Even for just a few minutes. By focusing on other people, you get to let go of your divorce story. Sure, they’re going to ask you a lot of questions – after all, a divorce story is waaaaaaaaay more entertaining than most people’s lives. But sharing it comes at a price: the price of your peace of mind. 

Everyone needs the latest details, the gossip, the advice-giving. It becomes its own thing. As the summer unfolds, you’ll find you spend more time catching everyone up on what he or she did or said than actually enjoying your friends at a BBQ. 

If you want to feel better, you have to stop thinking about your divorce for a while. Focusing on others is the first step.

Try something new.

Woman surrounded by bubbles not thinking about her divorce for a whileAnything new – a new band, a new beach, a new restaurant, new people. Surround yourself with people who didn’t know you when you were married. Let yourself be transported by their lives and what’s going on around you. It’s fun, once you get used to the uncomfortable, “I’m getting out of my comfort zone” sensation.

By trying something new, you not only shift from being miserable about your divorce to the idea that you’re capable of doing anything. Sure, you may only be taking an Indian cooking class, but when was the last time you did something you’ve always wanted to do? When was the last time you took that road trip? Or treated yourself to a beach cabana complete with cocktails for the day?

Recreating your life starts with little steps and big efforts. You must get through those awkward moments to reap the reward of feeling good about yourself again.

If you’re sick of feeling miserable about your divorce, you have to stop thinking about THEM.

When you are consumed with the details, the legalities, the loss, your ex, the person you’re desperately trying to let go of – no matter whether you initiated the separation or not –  is the only person on your mind.

This is normal. It is natural but it’s also very destabilizing. You will feel miserable about your state if you continue to be consumed with your ex. In order to stop feeling miserable about your divorce, you have got to stop thinking about them. And it’s not easy!

It takes moment by moment effort to shift your thinking to what’s going on right in front of you. The more you do it, the easier it gets. But you’ll do it over and over again before it feels natural. 

Try paddle boarding to avoid feeling miserable about your divorce.Which is why it’s fun to try something totally new! (And forget about something or someone you know a lot about!) Go learn something new. Activate your mind and body and forget about them for a little while.

Be brave

The last thing you will feel is brave. You’ll feel lonely, scared, and angry. But in order to rise to the occasion and actually enjoy everything summer has to offer, you have to. At least at the beginning. It’s not easy to step away from the fight and allow yourself to enjoy something, anything. It’s almost impossible at first. Which is where being brave comes in. You’ll have to make some courage to do all the things I’ve suggested. None of them come easily or naturally. 

Instead, you may find yourself reaching for the things you used to do like drinking or using again. I’m not here to preach to you but avoiding your feelings and stuffing them down with old habits, won’t help. They simply prolong the pain. And you will not crumble from pain. 

The longer you avoid feeling your feelings and processing what really happened, the longer it’s going to take to feel good. And you risk being stuck with Post Traumatic Divorce Disorder™. 

When you’re stuck, you can’t get out of your own way. Everything suffers. You won’t just lose this summer, you’ll lose many summers to come. Unfortunately, most people don’t talk about the risks inherent in not healing from your heartache. People think it just happens or figure, “this is the way things are going to be.” Nothing could be further from the truth.

If you’re sick of feeling miserable about your divorce, you must get into an active practice of healing.

You must bravely face whatever you need to heal. And many people would rather not. Which is fine if that’s what you want. But I think losing more than one summer is way too much time to be miserable. 

When we look around, there are plenty of people who would rather feel sorry for themselves than actively pursue something different. I don’t blame them but I do feel sorry for them. No one wants to admit to being a victim but without a bigger context, it is difficult to change. It’s nearly impossible to do so without help. 

Healing allows you to fall in love again. It helps you forgive yourself and your part in the breakup. When you make courage you meet new people and do new things. Your life begins to open up again. And you shift your attention from comparing who you used to be with your ex to who you are today. It’s very freeing. And it’s an active practice. 

I encourage you to let yourself heal and to stop feeling miserable about your divorce. You are allowed to have a great life. You also need to do the work to get there. (Which in truth can be good fun when you let it be – cabana’s anyone?) So consider joining any of the resources I have to offer on this website and the links below. I know you’re capable of way more than you realize!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

Loneliness Is The New Badge Of Honor For A Divorcé. Here’s How To Stop Being A Cliché

Love when you're ready, not when you're feeling loneliness.It gets a bum rap, this feeling called loneliness. It makes us think we’re unworthy of love, being loved, and loving another. The feeling of loneliness feels like the new badge of honor for a divorcé. It seems real and impenetrable when in fact, it’s simply a feeling. A passing moment. Something that you can manage, control, and overcome. Here’s how to stop being a cliché so that you can get on with your life, gather a new group of friends, find a new lover, and get your life moving. It’s time. Is loneliness the new badge of honor for a divorcé? Yes, it is! Loneliness is also the key to getting on with things.

Here’s to new beginnings!

Getting a re-do halfway through your life is a blessing in disguise. It comes with excitement, usually way too much drama, and a big ole kick in the pants. But a new beginning is exactly that… a new beginning. A chance to re-rack, sit on the bench for a bit, assess, decide where your values begin and boundaries end. I love new beginnings! In fact, I practice that each day of my life, never mind every hour, minute or even second is a chance for me to simply get my life moving in the right direction.

Call it what you will, after a breakup, all you have is a new beginning. And for that, we must celebrate.

So why the loneliness? The feelings of ennui, the fear of stepping into the unknown? Why does it feel like a cliché to be home, alone, feeling unwanted and afraid? Because getting a re-do halfway through means you’ve been through some life experience. You’ve had a bit too much drama even. Perhaps, you’re ready for things to quiet down so you can think…

This sort of shift in behavior feels different. It feels uncomfortable, unnatural (you were with someone else for a period of time weren’t you?) Of course it does! It sucks at times to be home alone, feeling sorry for yourself. (This is where that cliché comes in!) But just because those feelings of loneliness feel like a new badge of honor doesn’t mean you can’t handle them or that they are now the definition of who you are. You are not a cliché!

You are dealing with real heartache, real loneliness, real healing.

White apple blossoms showing loneliness in forefront of blurry background.Take some time to feel the feels. Get in touch with that pain, the grieving, the loss. The more you do, the less time that loneliness will hang around. Seems impossible? That’s because you’ve made the passing moments of loneliness define who you are. 

Loneliness Is The New Badge Of Honor For A Divorcé

Loneliness is the feeling that moves you out the door instead of the feeling that makes you stay stuck. You see, it’s simply not a fun feeling. It effectively challenges you and how you view your place at this time in your life. It’s that kick-in-the-pants kind of experience – the one that will make you, force you, to join an online dating app, go to the gym, call friends and invite yourself over for a holiday meal. It’s the catalyst to change. And for that, you bet loneliness is the new badge of honor for a divorcé!

Make your life happen to overcome your loneliness.

My home is quiet, calm, even a bit boring at times so when I sit at home, I get lonely. Fortunately, it takes two steps outside my building and I’m in NYC. Every day, every single day, I get outside my four walls. Since I work from home, this is mandatory. But even if I didn’t, if I worked for a company and had to be inside their four walls all day long, then my car or a commute, I would still get outside every day. 

Getting outside forces me to make my life happen. You don’t get to stop living just because you’re feeling lonely. We often think we can’t do anything with this feeling but I believe we have way more power and control over ourselves and our loneliness mood than we believe we do. I have to believe in the possibility of growing. So, get outside. Make your life happen.

Once you commit to movement, anything is possible.

Enjoying that walk? How about a run… Like the people, you say hello to in the morning? Why not join them at a community event? Feeling confident with a little sunshine and exercise? Maybe it’s time to join that gym. Or the online dating app. 

Taking action is the first step in overcoming any sort of ennui or loneliness. It’s really just getting out of your own way. (And walking away from the bag of potato chips you’ve got in the kitchen… for your kids, of course. Just sayin’!)

When I’m outside, my mind expands. The thoughts take on a bigger perspective. I do most of my best thinking walking Central Park and for those who follow my IG stories, you know I’m fascinated by trees and leaves. Silly but so useful for my head. And my heart. And my mood.

It’s way too easy to stay stuck in the cliché if we let ourselves.

A path winding through a grow of flowering trees.I challenge you to start small and move away from the feelings of loneliness. To take that badge of honor and use it to move your life forward in the direction you want. Learn to expand your thoughts, not as a way to avoid feeling the feels but to put yourself in a bigger context. Your life will change. Inevitably. You get more control by actively participating in doing the changing rather than having change forced upon you.

You never have to stay stuck in loneliness.

You do have a choice even if that choice is uncomfortable. Asking for help or reaching out for company isn’t the easiest thing to do after having a ready-made playmate anytime you needed to be entertained. But now that you’re single, choosing whom to spend your time with is in your hands. There are no victims here! It may feel weird or different but those feelings will go away once you start enjoying yourself and doing something other than watching reruns on Netflix. 

This is the time to make new memories, find new traditions, and build a new supportive group of friends. You’re now able to surround yourself with the kind of people you want to be with whether they’re into sports or cooking, traveling or books. You get to decide what kind of person you’d like to date even if you’re not ready for a serious relationship. And you’re the one who gets to choose how much time you need alone or how much socializing helps you feel connected.

Toss that badge of honor away. Let the loneliness pass.

Every time you move toward a new step out and about you shake off that loneliness. Each time you decide it’s more important to select high-quality entertainment, friendships, and activities, you’re the one creating a new life for yourself. And letting that cliché go. At first, it won’t be easy but as you become more and more comfortable with this new version of yourself, you’ll be grateful for experiencing loneliness. Afterall, it is the key to getting on with things!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit https://linktr.ee/laura_bonarrigo.