Laura Bonarrigo

Divorce Coach

Life Post-Divorce

7 Tips For Coping With A Divorce You Don’t Want

The break down of a family is hard enough when we agree to a divorce, but coping with a divorce you never wanted is particularly difficult.

It’s really difficult to grasp, to catalog the details so as to know how it’s happened, why it’s happened; what happened; even when we know the details  Heartache and pain have few boundaries – no matter what, going from being married to being single again is not easy even if you’re the one who wanted the separation to begin with.

Even when you know it’s time to end something that hasn’t been working for a while.

It seems trite to say that “life isn’t fair” – that simply doesn’t cover the expanse of loss people experience. We know that life isn’t fair, we also know that the pain of divorce is harder to cope with than platitudes. Here are 3 tips to help you cope with a divorce you don’t want in a way that puts it all into perspective.

The bad news is, you don’t get to escape the feelings. I know you’d like to. I know you want to sit in a bar, start smoking again, chase women. I know you’d rather stay home on the couch and watch the Hallmark channel. I, for one, have done my own version of chasing a feeling to avoid the deep pain and loss. It’s never easy to deal with being smacked with emotions when you’re already down!

The good news is, you’ll get through it. No matter how painful things are now, as long as you’re surrounded by support, there is a way out and there is a future you can create. You must keep this in mind!

Tip #1: No matter how painful today feels, tomorrow can be better when you surround yourself with support.

Throughout the process, you’ll be surrounded by people who mean well but who won’t be able to grasp the depth of your pain or offer ways to cope with the divorce you didn’t want.

Oftentimes, these well-meaning friends or colleagues will encourage you to do things you know deep down aren’t the best options for you to do.

They may be super fun at the moment and totally distract you from the things you’d rather forget (ie: gathering your financial documents for your attorney). But in the long-run, unless your life is running at peak performance, most of us can’t escape the pain and pressure of separating for too long.

In all honesty, I love South Beach – I have fond memories of playing in Miami during my separation. I can honestly tell you those were some of the best days I ever experienced – a complete distraction from the pain and loss. They also totally destroyed me when those fun days ended and I had to get back to the reality of recreating my life.

No one knows what you’re personally up against when you’re separating. Remembering that you, and you alone, are responsible for your decisions goes a really long way toward helping you cope with the experience, no matter how painful it may be.

Tip #2: You can’t chase a feeling forever!

Stay away from those who put up with being angry, hurt, depressed, and on it after their divorces. (News flash: they’re in a lot of pain.) Surround yourself with those who are moving on in a positive direction. It pains me to see people stuck in Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™. My heart breaks for people unable to make courage, to get up and out of their own way. I get it. I know it’s difficult but, you can move in the right direction and heal from your divorce, even if you didn’t want it to begin with.

Tip #3: Surround yourself with positive and uplifting people even when you’re not as happy about life as they are.

We all need a dose of sunshine on a daily basis. Sometimes we think we can handle being blue. The problem is that during a divorce, there’s a lot of blue feelings… you’ll want to pace yourself: have some time during the day or during a week to process the feelings, then you’ve got to turn around and get moving.

Many times people freeze instead of moving forward because they’re afraid of making another mistake. One mistake that’ll cost you is avoiding dealing with your divorce. Including processing the feelings.

The worst mistake of all, not healing enough to see that you’re looking for familiar comfort meaning, you pick a lover who’s exactly like the person you just left.

When you first separate, you’ll most likely gravitate towards those who feel familiar. Over time, you’ll most likely realize these new people are exactly like those you just left. (Which is why the divorce rate goes up not down, for those who’ve been married in the past.)

I hate that statistic (but it’s true). I hate that I went through 2 divorces as an adult. I can get down on myself about not understanding what it took to heal from my separation and heartache. But knowing what I now know, to cope with a divorce you don’t want, we all have to do things differently.

Surround yourself with people who’ve been divorced in the past but who are now engaged in deliberately understanding the experience. No one leaves a marriage, chooses a new mate and deliberately tries to hurt themselves or their families again, but because we don’t go to divorce school, it happens all too often.

Tip #4: You’ve got to understand this modern-day rite of passage.

There’s no escaping the lesson. We like to think we’ve got it – we want to blame the breakdown on the partner who wanted out. So, moving forward, we imagine picking someone who has the same values as we do. Someone who takes care of themselves, who won’t nitpick, who’ll accept all of the things we do. Which means we’ve got this all figured out. Because in reality, the healing isn’t about the new partner… healing is an inside job. 

That partner has nothing to do with how you’re coping with your divorce or with the rest of your life.

I meet a lot of divorced people. Some are happy with their lives, some are even happily married. Many are not. Many cringe when I ask about new relationships. They’re embarrassed. They admit to being lonely and unsure of what the future brings.

There are those who have moved on only to find themselves still stuck in reliving the past. And there are those who unknowingly pretend their divorce didn’t affect them.

How you handle stress and change will be a big indicator of how you’ll manage the onslaught of changes divorce brings with it. But I have yet to meet anyone who’s been married and divorced, even divorced and married again who doesn’t have a few scars unable to heal.

Tip #5: We’re not immune to the pain of separation and heartache.

Going through your separation, you may struggle to find a way to punish your ex. After all, they’re the ones who wanted out! But unfortunately, trying to enact judgment (bad-mouthing the other parent to your kids, gossiping, whining, carrying-on at parent-teacher meetings, demanding huge amounts of money) doesn’t help anyone. Especially you.

One of the most difficult lessons to grasp is that you don’t get to punish someone who wants to leave you. No matter why or for what reason.

Tip #6: You don’t get to play God.

It took a few false steps forward for A… to grasp that she wasn’t allowed to always be punishing and demanding. Every step forward, she was hit with another, tough blow. First from the attorney, then the courts, then the parenting coordinator. Each step forward was an attempt to punish her ex for leaving her and their kids. However, after many months of heartache, she began to release her grip on trying to keep things the way they once were.

It’s not easy to let go and learn to accept a separation and divorce when you didn’t want it. No one likes change and this rite of passage is filled with changes you have to learn to cope with.

The best way to manage the seemingly never-ending roller coaster of emotions is to learn how to respect them. To know when you’ve experienced enough indulging and when it’s time to move on with your day. To know that at any moment, you may be upset, the next you may not be.

There is no straight-line through this. More like twists and turns, backward and forwards, ups and downs. Having a support structure is key. Understanding how to cope with the loss paramount.

At a certain point, you’ll be ready to move on and begin to imagine having a new love. It may not feel easier, but when you learn how to cope with a divorce you don’t want, many things in life begin to fall into place. Your resilience becomes stronger, your faith in others, your trust in yourself. At a certain point, you get to look in the mirror and declare to no one in particular (other than yourself…)

Tip #7: You’ve got this!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to cope the loss of your marriage, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com. Enrollment is limited.

Terrified Of Moving Out After Divorce? Here’s What You Can Expect To Happen

Leaving the family home is one of the most terrifying things that happen during a divorce. It becomes one of the single, most defining statements a divorcing couple makes that their union is over. No matter who stays in the family home, the shift is real, dramatic, and ushers in a new phase of separation. It also brings up a lot of pain and disappointment which can then lead to loneliness and sometimes depression.

We on the outside rarely if ever understand what it takes to break apart a couple. We’re usually not there when they fought, made love, lied to one another or sat quietly on a couch together. We weren’t part of their daily fabric, the rhythm of their breath, the pace of their days. So for us, on the outside, we also don’t get what it takes for some couples to break apart. We’re stumped by the behavior, the level of rage, the lying, the mean-spiritedness. We simply don’t get it.

But often, the partnership doesn’t get it either. It takes a lot of energy to break apart a family and that energy usually isn’t our more attractive sides. We usually don’t break apart with a handshake just the way we don’t fall in love with a peck on the cheek. These are big statements. Big actions. Life changing dramatic shifts which can be terrifying. Moving out is one of those big statements. Big changes. What we don’t realize, any of us really, is what it’s going to take to make that shift happen.

Because ‘moving out’ is real, it usually requires a lot of momentum and energy. Emotions like rage, frustration, and anger often precipitate the break. Actions like arguing, yelling, and aggressive packing and the grabbing of stuff tend to initiate the walking out. There’s no mistaking when one partner leaves but what is often mistaken is what happens next.

There’s a re-grouping that begins to happen as soon as the move occurs. No one can sustain that level of anger or rage for long (and if they do, they may need medical help). The body naturally seeks balance and usually, that means a big drop in feelings. Often to the level of sadness, tears, even depression. A wallowing in self-doubt and second-guessing usually happens when the mind plays tricks on us and we start minimizing what really led to this point in the relationship. This is natural and to be expected. It also doesn’t mean you’re crazy. This is a normal part of the process.

However, what you want to do is prepare yourself for this to happen. You’re creating a safe place hopefully. (Please don’t be leaving one difficult environment for another stressful one!) You’re looking for a place where you can begin to get your feet under you – a family guest room, a friend’s pad, a hotel room, a week-to-week sublet. Any place you can begin to calm down and think. A place where you can cry and scream without worrying the neighbors. A place where, if you wish, you can curl up and watch your favorite movie, spread your papers all about or simply sit and look out a window. This is your space to begin processing, feeling, and healing.

This is not the place for you to have your soulmate. It’s not the place you’re going to spend the rest of your life. Just about everyone needs a safe landing… a place to call home while the initial rage and anger of ending an unhealthy dynamic can begin to shift. The tears, sadness, and lethargy mean balancing is beginning to occur. That’s all.

So expect this sort of physical behavior. Be prepared for what’s happening and not mistaking it for going crazy or losing it or acting out. You’re fine! Safe even. It’s what your body and mind need to do next.

Many times clients come to me thinking they’re freaking out. They go on anti-depressants because they’re angry or in a crying jag. They mistake their rage as a new normal or misunderstand their need to rest as being out of character for how they view themselves. I’m here to reassure you that this is a normal, natural reaction to the level of energy, emotion, and physical exertion that’s required for the moment of moving out – the literal, physical manifestation that the relationship is over. Whether you were the one who stayed or you’re the one who left. Anyone who seems to have it all together is momentarily mistaken. I rarely or ever hear a client say they’re just fine.

The next shift is the deeply personal one… once the union is broken, the mind shifts to what’s happening in your own life. Or in the life of the person, you just left. (News Flash: it’s way easier to think about them than it will be to think about and begin to heal yourself.) Don’t be surprised when you become fixated on them. Do your very best to focus on yourself, however. Not because they don’t matter but because once you’re out of the home (or they’re out of the home) you’ve shared, you’re done with them. You’re only responsible for yourself – your healing, your food, your sleep, the rest you require, the things you do to stay calm, centered, safe; the feelings that come up and need processing, the thoughts you have. These are yours to manage and to control. Not theirs.

So at this point, I want to make a suggestion. doingDivorce School begins the end of January. Leaving the structure of family and becoming single again isn’t easy. It’s not for the faint of heart. There’s a big shift that may need some structure to stay healthy. Your thoughts can affect your mood. Learning how to step away and co-parent or step away and let them be will need some accountability and direction. No one does this healing work on their own. (If they did, there’d be no second or third divorces.) So consider joining me and giving yourself a new community of like-minded people to help you along the way. You’re worthy of having a great life and moving out doesn’t have to be terrifying.

 

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

3 Essential Tips You Need For Coping With The Loneliness After A Divorce

The feelings of sadness and being depressed when one is single after a divorce is difficult to imagine. The effort it takes to break up a bad marriage usually involves feelings of anger, jealousy, and frustration, rage, lack of respect, or feelings of abuse and being victimized. The idea that coping with divorce a year later, two, three… years later, and being sad seems out of step with the person you thought you would be. Especially, if initially, you spent many months or years dating and having fun in reaction to an unhappy union. The same holds true for feeling isolated or still single a few years later. Coping with loneliness and feeling separated from happy couples or happy families haunts us and makes most divorcees question their decision of getting divorced.

I truly believe that divorce is a chance to recreate a life; to look ahead and become happy with yourself and what you’re doing. How to manage the intense roller coaster of emotions and make the courage necessary to rework a life in full swing is part of the healing process. To that end, here are 3 fundamental tips you need for healthy coping with the loneliness after your divorce.

1) You cannot do this alone. No one can.

Too often with divorce, the shame and stigma of a failed marriage have people pull in and hide. Sure, you may be at work, you may even be dating; you’re a parent at school and out and about at your gym. The problem is that there’s this piece of you that often feels unworthy of what ‘they have’ or frustrated with how to get it. You wonder how they’ve recreated their lives… you question your attractiveness, self-confidence; instead of dating, you may be at home on a Friday night afraid to be naked or to imagine making love to a new partner. These feelings are not unique to you. Every person going through divorce questions the future and how they’re going to show up in it. Every person wants to hide. And you can’t.

Find yourself some support: a church, a mentor, a community that will remind you of your beauty, kindness, and heart. You’re worthy of being loved and being out there. The fear and embarrassment, shame even are part and parcel of your healing. They are a call for help. As you heal and surround yourself with support, you will find yourself feeling less alone or stigmatized. Let me say it again… you are not alone and you can’t do this by yourself. No one can.

2) Growth is not linear and you’ll have to generate the enthusiasm and courage to be seen even when it’s not easy.

This means, if you’re hiding behind your work, your children, your weight, your familial responsibilities, it’s time to cry “uncle” and start taking some me time. In order to step out from behind your excuses and meet new people and generate feelings of love, you’re going to have to be seen. Which means, your lifestyle needs some tweaking! It may feel uncomfortable to join a gym, hire a trainer, get a new hairstyle, join a club or say “no” to your parents’ constant demands but you must in order to alter your feelings of being separate and disconnected to others your age and people with whom you could create new friendships.

Consider how you actually know what to do versus what you’re actually doing. This is a good time of year to recommit to yourself. This is the time to declare that you matter and to really do something about how you feel about yourself. Some courage (because it may feel awkward at first) and some enthusiasm (to help you get through that moment you want to give up) will be necessary and helpful. You can do it! You can be seen and when you are, when you feel as if you belong, you will feel less lonely and better able to cope with your divorce or separation.

3) Sometimes the feelings of loneliness make you question your decision to end your marriage (or your decision not to go along with what was needed to stay married). 

Let’s take a look at this one! Everyone questions change. No one likes it. No one wants to fight or go through a battle over parenting plans and money. People who haven’t been working, don’t want to go back to work. Kids don’t want to go back and forth between parents’ homes. Parents don’t want to fight. No one wants to break up with a new lover shortly after or during separation and divorce. It’s a time in life when the desire to have things be easy rings paramount. So of course, questioning your decision to end your marriage will come up over and over again especially when you’re feeling alone and sad. It’s a natural response to the pain of separation. It’s part of the process.

Which doesn’t make your decision to grow into a new life wrong! You’re not wrong to want to end something that wasn’t working. You’re not wrong to declare you couldn’t continue living the way you were. If it was a happy, comfortable union and you felt seen, heard, respected and loved, you wouldn’t be where you are today. You wouldn’t be reading this particular article. Stay in the truth of your story – not the feelings you think are real. They’re just sensations that cause you to question what’s up. They aren’t the real you. And the real you is more than capable of creating a future apart from the way the past used to be. I know this with all my heart.

I also completely relate to feeling lonely, sad, depressed, scared and angry during and after my divorce(s). I know the amount of effort it takes to overcome those feelings. I remember and recall the daily courage it took to stop the fighting, stop the demanding, stop the blame. I spent many, many hours allowing the grief to go through me and my courage to take hold.

The healing process of divorce will be at times, quite a roller coaster. You will feel as if you’re out of control especially if you’re not one to usually experience and feel the range of feelings you’re capable of. But knowing this, expecting it and going through the range of feelings may feel anywhere from unpleasant to scary. You may want to disassociate, ask for anti-depressants, feel you can’t handle yourself. If that’s the case, seek support. Share this article with others you know who aren’t coping well with their decision and being single after divorce. Find a good mentor, one who understands the experience of going through a divorce and the healing it requires to complete it. You are capable of way more than you think.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

3 Reasons Why Being A Single Mom Is Awesome

In the beginning, being a single mom can suck. I apologize for the curse, but there’s no other way to begin – chances are, you didn’t sign up for being a single mom; you didn’t want to raise your kids by yourself, you may be having a tough time adjusting to being a single mom, you may not understand being a single mom because you were raised by two parents, you had no idea how lonely it would be to be a single mom, and you wonder when does being a single mom get any easier. (If you stopped reading right now, I wouldn’t blame you but please don’t… I’m just getting started.)

Because at first, we all go through these various emotions and have these thoughts. It’s normal and natural. In fact, you have to have the negative fears and worries before stepping into the awesomeness of being a single mom! So bemoan, worry, carry on about costs, budgets, balancing work and parenting, babysitting and dating woes. Go ahead… so you can catch up with why being a single mom is so AWESOME!

At first, you’re juggling A LOT: home, work, the fight, the co-parenting, the anger, the worry, the righteousness, the fear. It’s a ton of stress. You never sleep. No one gets you. You wonder if you’re crazy. You snap at your kids. You bad-mouth your ex. You worry about money, earning money, and fear you’ll be single for the rest of your life. Girlfriend… here are my arms to give you a hug!

If you remember anything from this article, remember this: it gets better. It gets easier. You can figure it out. You can do it and eventually, it is AWESOME!

Let me tell you what AWESOME looks like and why there’s so much to look forward to:

1) You get to make popcorn and ice cream milkshakes for breakfast. 

Meaning, no one else tells you what to do in your home anymore. You’re in charge… you may be a little afraid of that but it starts to become fun when you realize you get to change traditions and make your own party. You no longer have to defer to your kids’ other parent. You get to step away from proving your worth to those who don’t or can’t approve. You get to eat what you want, get up when you want, stop making the bed in the morning if you want.

It’s all up to you and that’s worth celebrating awesomeness!

I remember changing some traditions… ice cream milkshakes in the morning being one of them. If my kids wanted sweets… I agreed, selecting wisely, but no longer beholden to outside opinions. Then I switched up holiday practices… initiating a chocolate event that friends still ask for these many years later. I got rid of the clean plate club and the “make your bed in the morning” rule. I left dirty clothes on the floor and started wearing my scrubs to bed at night.

In other words, without the stress of a bad marriage, I loosened up and we began laughing more.

That’s pretty awesome!

2) Money, money, money…

Let’s say it together gals… money and income and budgets and finances are the NUMBER 1 worry of single moms period!  WE are the front page story on newspapers everywhere. Yep, that’s us. Pretty awesome.

And scary.

Worrying about how you’ll raise your kids and take care of yourself pulls at men and women alike after divorce but for moms, it’s particularly tough. I was an out-of-work actress living in NYC in my late 40’s when I got divorced. I had no idea how I’d manage my own needs, never mind thrive and the attorneys kept arguing I’d just get married again… you can imagine the rage. I also had debt to my attorney that needed to be paid and credit cards due that I used to play the “keep up with my lifestyle” game everyone wrongly encourages. Even today, I have mortgage debt to manage and pay off.

But the good thing, no the GREAT thing about anger (or righteousness) mixed with obligation and drive is that it gets you going. Anger moves mountains. “Do not get in the way of a woman’s anger properly channeled to the greatest good!”

It takes feeling the fear, the sting, the injustice, the righteousness before you’re able to channel that power toward figuring it out, but figure it out you will if you let yourself. 

In order to earn money, I’ve edited a Ph.D. dissertation, rented rooms; I’ve babysat, I’ve continued with my modeling and acting work; I learned how to coach, I had a stint in an office, I have a social marketing company. I said yes to possibility and created a belief that I could and would figure it out. Borrow my belief if you must… but have that belief in yourself because when you do, it’s really AWESOME – fear goes away. You face your bills. You pay your debts. You manage your impulsive shopping at Zara… just sayin’.

You have no idea what the future holds for you. None. Based on your past, you don’t have any idea of who you’re going to become. You have no idea what luck will come your way. Start taking it day by day, moment by moment if you have to. Don’t sell yourself short. And begin to imagine a great future – doing so will help you find your way toward it!

In the meantime, understand what you’ve got to live on and become creative… I’ve had over 10 ways that I’ve made money the past few single mom years and am still always saying yes to the opportunity to do things within my value system.

Being in control of those money fears is really AWESOME and so are you!

3) You decide who enters the castle gates:

Usually, at first, you go between trusting no one and trusting everyone. Your filter is broken and you think everyone is there for you. You indulge the fears and the story. You over-share to anyone and everyone who will listen to you for five minutes (or five hours).

One particular Thanksgiving after my divorce I was invited to a friend’s family Thanksgiving dinner. I cornered my friend’s brother as he was trying to leave the dining room to play football with the family after dinner and just chewed his ear off! I was still in the spinning phase and could not shut up about the pain and frustration of my divorce. The poor guy…. cute, single, he never said hi to me again after that. And I learned a valuable lesson…

You get to decide who’s safe to invite in. You get to select your community or your tribe. You get to surround yourself with people who will lift you up or who will commiserate with you about how bad all men are. How bad your ex-husband is. How bad your kids’ father is. Or not.

I recommend not doing that.

I recommend you find a tribe of women (and men) who will lift you up and teach you how to trust yourself and others. A community of people who will help you rise above your fears and imagine the kind of life you wish to create. And a community of people who, like you, are driven to create financial stability. I know that it’s possible to have what you want, I also know it’s important to be with others who are doing the same thing!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

3 Tips For Coping With Depression After A Divorce

Divorce brings with it this myriad array of feelings. Everything from joy, bliss, and relief to sadness, grief, and loneliness. For a person stuck in the frustrating negotiations and fighting, the last thing you expect is to be dealing with depression or loneliness after a divorce is completed a year or two later. It simply doesn’t make any sense. Having been through this process more than once and helped a number of people with the experience, this I know for sure: you truly have no idea what to expect from the entire experience. It’s going to change you completely (if you let it) and help you become a better person (if you let it). But before all that occurs, you’re going to be feeling feelings. Lots of them. Including being depressed.

The difference between those wallowing in despair while dealing with a divorce and those able to cope with the vicissitudes of the process is understanding that you’re a human being capable of feeling lots of feelings. It requires an intellectual understanding of what to expect and the emotional maturation that comes with the going through it part.

Depression typically comes after the fighting and negotiation are completed. It’s what happens when you’re left with you: you without the courtship, the marriage, and the fighting. It happens when you are coping with the loneliness, the heartache of a failed relationship, the loss of a job you wanted. Depression occurs when you least expect it; often down the road, when it doesn’t seem to be tied to the breakup or the stress of separation.

Here are 3 tips for coping with depression after a divorce.

1 Expect to feel a whole range of negative feelings you may not have felt in a long time (if ever). 

These feelings are going to sneak up on you. Usually, when your children are with their other parent or you’ve been passed over by a date you were excited to meet or a holiday comes and you’re all alone. These are the moments that easily bring a person down under the best of circumstances never mind after a monumental loss.

Depression comes when you’re confused by what emotions to feel and which to express. It can bring you so low, you won’t want to do anything. You know that. The problem is that unless you’re clinically depressed (in which case please see your doctor) you won’t realize that you actually have to feel those feelings you’re trying to avoid before the depression will lift and go away.

What does that look like?

Crying.

Or laughing at the absurdity of your life circumstances and the difficult challenges ahead of you.

Grieving the loss of your so-called perfect marriage.

Cringing at the idea of the amount of courage you’re going to need in order to rise to the occasion and develop resilience and fortitude for your new life.

If you’re one of those people who’d rather pour a drink of Scotch or smoke a cigarette or roll a blunt before you shed a few tears, that depression and lethargy are going to linger a lot longer than you’d like.

 

In the past, you may have used sex and women or the thrill of a promotion at work to fuel your lighthearted self. But during and after a divorce, energy is brittle and the thrill of the chase isn’t so alluring. After all, that chase led you down the path of unhappiness. You’ll be guarded and alert to new worries. You’ll have a ton on your mind. Being wary is the appropriate response to what you’ve been through. However, not expressing your feelings is not.

Find yourself a safe place to just be human. 

Movies are a great escape, usually quite dark and no one cares if you cry during a sad scene. So go to them. Often if necessary!

Take yourself someplace beautiful that was once a romantic place you both liked. By retracing your history, you get to rewrite your memories and reclaim the landmarks of your past. (News Flash: you will surely feel sad but you’ll also feel empowered.)

2. Get those other people won’t be able to understand why you’re feeling down.

Especially if you were the one who wanted the divorce. Or if you were the one who complained all the time about your ex-spouse. Friends and family have no idea of what really happened and they get baffled by your tears or your sour disposition often wondering why you’re not out dating or interested in meeting someone new.

That’s okay. In reality, the gossiping and complaining never really served you. Those habits kept you stuck. It’s best your friends and family don’t get it and that perhaps, you’re staying by yourself more as a result. It’s okay they can’t deal with your tears or moodiness. The less you vent about what happened, the better it is for your overall health.

Instead, ask your friends and family to keep you busy and happy. Do things that you all enjoy and make sure you stay focused on the activities in front of you. If you’re at the beach, be at the beach. If you’re at a birthday party, be at the party. Being active and involved will keep your mind from wandering and will help you feel good overall. It’s called being in the present.

3. No amount of sex (or drugs or alcohol) is going to keep you from eventually grieving the loss of your marriage.

Everyone and I do mean everyone, goes through a period shortly after their separation when then “misbehave.” They have sex like rabbits. They get blasted for a few weeks in a row. They go back to using the way they did in college. Just know and expect that. None of it seems serious or dangerous until you can’t stop. So, if drugs and alcohol cause you trouble, I advise you to stay away from those triggers.

 

However, sex is what will most likely draw you out to be social, especially after fighting with your spouse. You will look for beautiful people. Have sex with strangers. Let down your STI guard and truly, have the best sex of your life. You will feel on top of the world. If you’re with many lovers, know your performance will be stellar. If you’re with one, you’ll believe your new lover is your perfect soulmate and you’ll brag about how good you’re doing despite the negotiation and fighting. All your friends will be jealous.

Please do not expect that love to become your soulmate and future partner. I know that my words in this article can’t compete with the feelings you’re getting when you’re with them. I get that. But I promise you’re simply setting yourself up for a bigger fall when this relationship falls apart. And it will. And then you’ll again, be left with you dealing with you.

Finding good sex after that (that post-marriage-during-divorce-sex) is tough to do. It’s going to take some time before anyone can measure up to the heat and intensity of that first series of lovers. You’ll feel rejected and unsatisfied. Those feelings will initiate a kind of depression and you’ll begin to question what the past few years were all about.

It’s time to deal with your stuff.

In order to cope with depression after a divorce, you need to realize that any amount of self-pity will be wasted energy. Depression is your come to Jesus moment. It’s the time to take a good look in the mirror and assess the damage the past few years have done on your life. You must decide to find a teacher, a mentor and commit to learning how to do things differently.

You’re worthy of a happy marriage and you’re worthy of great sex and a group of friends who adore you. You’re also responsible for making that happen. Without that kind of personal commitment, nothing and no one can fill the emptiness you’re feeling. That depressive feeling after your breakup is your wake-up call. I hope it brings you to your knees. I want it to drive you to seek competent help. It should shake you to your core and ask you to rise above the fighting and bickering to become a better person. There is no shame in depression and no shame in feeling feelings. You’re human after all. Perfectly, imperfect in your humanity.

Allow this time to push you into maturing up the parts of you without resilience and fortitude. Your future self-requires this of you.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura is a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce® School an online group coaching program for those recovering from the experience of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to heal from divorce, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and www.laurabonarrigo.com.