Laura Bonarrigo

Divorce Coach

Pre-Divorce Thinking

Worried Your Ex Will Hurt You Financially? Here Are 6 Questions To Explore With Your Attorney

Too often people enter the experience of separation and divorce with little to no understanding of their financial circumstances. Fear of finances, fear of being hurt financially by a spouse with more knowledge often keep a bad marriage together. When you have some sense of what’s going on, it’s easier to take the next step. If you’re worried that your ex will hurt you financially, you’ll want to explore the financial costs of divorce above and beyond hiring an attorney. These questions and what they bring up for you and your family will help you develop coping skills to deal with your divorce in the moment and in the future even when you don’t want to separate.

Finances 101: I don’t understand our family finances, will I be at a disadvantage?

Most people have a gut sense of what to do when they begin considering separation. Many safe deposit boxes have been opened to store cash just in case. Sometimes the groceries just don’t cost as much as they usually do. Often an item or two is sold without a spouse’s knowledge and of course, going back to school or beginning to work again is a usual route for preparing for the future.

But none of that matters if you’ve been blindsided by your spouse or in the dark about how much it costs to run your home. And those beginning weeks and months can seem pretty intimidating to those unaware.

My recommendation is to begin to ask questions early and often. If you knew me when you’d be shocked at my naiveté. I knew nothing about my family finances. While I was going through my separation and divorce, I had to quickly learn what to do and how to do it. I would have this recurring dream of stopping every young person on the street and asking them if they knew how to handle money. Did they understand how to build wealth? Did they understand interest? Compounded interest? Debt? Mortgages and HELOCs? I was a wife who didn’t and those first few weeks and months of my separation were filled with fear.

Fear of money is one of the worst feelings ever. But this I now know: you will learn how to run your home, you’ll learn how to manage your money, you’ll begin to keep a budget, start a new career, and you’ll figure it out. I did.

Asking questions:

Your attorney is most likely, a family law attorney who has legal training with some idea of divorce-related financial decisions. They’re going to ask for tax returns, bank statements, profit and loss statements and the cost of running your home taken from your credit cards and personal habits. But sometimes, you’ll need outside counsel. While interviewing your attorney, ask them: “Will I need to hire a financial advisor? Do you recommend I get a CDFA?” (Certified Divorce Financial Analyst) Make sure you interview a few additional professionals so that when things get frustrating or frightening, you know you’ve selected someone you trust.

If you’re wondering why you may need to add to your team, think of it this way: your attorney is only one piece of your new team. And you will need a new team to help you make your new life. Below are some of the professionals I now recommend:

Your family home: Should I keep my home in lieu of retirement accounts or other cash assets?

The most emotional questions usually have to do with the family home.You’ll want to grasp what it takes to run this home… how much it costs to keep it up (think roof, walls, paint, property, and that furnace!) You’ll want to understand how much that retirement account is worth, what your portion of the investment comes out to be, and if you’re entitled to things like bonuses, airline miles or even insurance policies. I advise, asking a lot of questions before jumping to keep your home.

I’m so grateful I didn’t own a home to fight over. But my children still remember the home we had as a family and miss it dearly. I won’t lie, that pulls at my heartstrings. But, owning a home for emotional reasons… the evidence of success, the lifestyle you shared, the memories you made, where your children grew up… and then not being able to afford it is devastating. It may be better, and I only propose this thought, to change everything all at once so that everyone gets a fresh start with this new chapter of their lives.

Family Business: We have a family business, what do I do now?

The possibility of losing the place where you may have worked at the same time your marriage is falling apart is tough. I truly hope you will get yourself some support! My hope is that you understand how the business is run, what the profit and loss statement looks like and if you know where all the money is, how it comes in, how it’s spent, and who manages it.

Your attorney may now be stepping in over their head and a Forensic Accountant might need to be brought in to help you understand the books. I advise you to not take anything for granted. Business liabilities may be a part of your settlement, you may be bought out, you may set up a way to continue working as a silent partner. There may be back taxes you might owe. None of these decisions will be easy and may require additional business attorneys to work out. These are important questions to ask your attorney. Do not be concerned with advocating for what you need and hiring as much help as you can to gather the information necessary to help with negotiations.

Stay at home spouse: I stayed home raising our children while she went to work at her own business, what am I entitled to? 

Fortunately, family law attorneys understand many of the state laws that provide for maintenance and child support for the stay-at-home spouse. These figures don’t take into account the lifestyle you once had. Negotiating lifestyle isn’t usually done by an accountant but by the attorneys representing you and your ex. This is where many people start to panic, it’s where lifestyle changes like going back to work can be very upsetting.

Being a single mom or dad with a career or those returning to school while needing to run a home may feel overwhelming. I also know from experience that it’s doable. Think of it as showing your children how to take responsibility for their lives. You’re showing them it’s never too late to learn new skills, to start over, to make a difference or to give back. They’re watching the spirit with which you strike out on your own. I’m proud of the new careers and the work I’ve done since being divorced. My children are proud of me too.

Hiding Money: What do I do if I suspect they’re hiding money?

For far too many people I know going through a divorce, hiding money is always top of mind. If you suspect your spouse is hiding money (and chances are that they are) it’s important to discuss how you’ll find it. This is where your attorney may suggest hiring a Private Eye to search out recent bank accounts, aliases, unpaid taxes, unexplained assets, etc. The private eyes I know are competent professionals, former police officers, and people I would have over for dinner, not cartoon characters out of some B movie. With the internet, it’s way too easy to quickly move money around and you’ll want help in tracking down suspicious spending or some unexplained balances in a bank account or credit card statement.

Financial Costs of Divorce: Should I remove money out of our Joint Account? 

The thing about financial fraud is that the IRS will be looking into your divorce as well. Your family law attorney may hint at this but in truth, I think the IRS likes to hang around courthouses. Don’t be surprised if a year or two later, you have an audit. I warn you because you may think your ex-made a phone call (and they may have) but many people who end up in court, also are audited. I myself went through two audits – one at the same time as my trial! It’s not fun. The stress is high but you will get through it with the help of a competent accountant.

I know this conversation might be stirring you up a bit. Finances are not always fun and the fear in divorce is already running high for most people. Your biggest fear, and perhaps the reason you’ve stayed in a less than happy marriage is your fear of being divorced and broke. I get it!

I also hold out hope – hope that you can find happiness, hope that you’ll learn about how you live, how you spend, what you make a priority, how you want to show up for your kids, and how you want to live out the rest of your days. Discussion about money and finances reflect your life. And your life is important. You will not be broke after your divorce if you start to have these difficult conversations and make some adjustments. This I know for sure!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

4 Pointers To Help You Handle Your Heartache During A National Tragedy

During a national tragedy like they’re experiencing in Houston TX this week and parts of the south (News Flash: my son is at college down south so now I’m watching the weather with eager anticipation each day.) it’s often difficult for those going through separation and divorce to know just how to feel.

Are they supposed to be less concerned for themselves than those in dire situations? Are they supposed to be numb to their own pain or to put country and community above themselves? Are they feeling awful about themselves because they’ve no more room to care about anyone else but themselves at the moment?

During separation, heartache, and divorce feeling justified in one’s own pain becomes confusing. I hope to be able to shed some light and give you permission to feel your feelings and know you are safe.

When you’re dealing with heartache, personal trauma, separation, and divorce, it may seem as if you’re in a constant state of emergency. You’re exhausted from the fighting and fear. Worried about the next decision. Confused about which direction to go in. And afraid you’re going to lose everything: money, status, your children, your home, your things ALL THE TIME!

I want to give you permission to feel your despair. To know that you’re justified in being frightened and at the same time, to believe you’re also going to get through these days no matter how you may feel in the moment. (Just like those in Houston are going to get their feet back under them as well.) Eventually, your life will move in the right direction no matter how difficult it is right this moment.

Try to believe that because it’s true! Eventually, your divorce will be behind you and, as I say to my children, you can feel bad or you can feel optimistic, either way, the work needs to be done; the work (your divorce) doesn’t care how you feel about doing it.

How come the world is watching Houston and everyone seemingly is getting help and attention but you’re not being given the support you desperately need? The difficult thing is that it feels at times as if no one gets it. Your friends and family can’t deal with the ongoing fighting – literally the years it can take to become divorced and to get your feet back under you. And all the world is paying attention to Houston at this very moment. It can seem very unfair.

I remember going through my divorce while all the world was watching a celebrity couple breaking up in a very public way. Here they were being showered with attention and the court of public opinion eagerly weighed in on the innocence of the wife and the bad behavior of the husband. It was all I could do to keep myself from screaming!

During your divorce, it may feel as if you’re all alone and at times, the deeply personal healing is truly you with you. No one else can take on what you’re up against. These are difficult moments. They’re also gifts as difficult as that is to hear.

I am grateful my ugliness stayed within my small circle of friends and family instead of being seen by the entire world caring enough about me and my personal drama. I’m grateful that I’ve been able to become strong enough to write and to teach and mentor without having my personal lessons be strewn across newspapers and the media for all to see.

The news media and the cameras are going to leave these people and go to the next big event – whether positive or negative. You know that. You also know how difficult the day in and day out activities for these families will be. Try to keep in perspective just what all this attention means when the waters recede and they have to get to work rebuilding their lives (sort of like what you’re doing all the time!)

Eventually, your divorce will be behind you – you too will once again lift your head up and look toward the future. Your pain and your lessons are deeply personal and for that, be grateful you’ve got some semblance of privacy. You are not alone – I am right here sharing your pain while holding out the possibility of your speedy recovery and healing.

What are you to do? How can you give to others when you’ve barely got enough for yourself?Those of you who are religious and believe in giving will have no trouble donating time, money, and your personal energy to those in need. Others of you dealing with your own ongoing trauma are going to feel torn between writing a check to the American Red Cross or taking care of your own legal bills and personal expenses needing your attention. I get it!

There is no right or wrong answer in this moment. I want to give you permission to take care of yourself, your energy, your mind, your body, your family before giving and giving and giving more of yourself. Yes, those families need our help. However, you’re family also needs help. Your health and your family’s safety are just as important to your community as those who can offer help to the families in Houston and parts of Louisiana. It’s important to remember to “put your oxygen mask on first” before helping others.

Lastly, separation and divorce take a very long time. They are man-made decisions between adults. They have justifiable reasons and explanations. The law and the courts weigh in on many of the steps and decisions for a family moving forward. It’s difficult to stay the course over the long haul – just like it’s going to be really difficult for families in Houston to deal with their lives being totally disrupted by Mother Nature!

We know, going through heartache and divorce, just how difficult it is to keep up one’s spirits. You have way more experience than some others at getting out of bed each day, putting a smile on your face (no matter how fake) and managing your home, your job, and your family with a certain amount of heaviness and pain. You know what it takes.

Those just beginning their long ordeal need our thoughts and prayers. They need to believe they’ll get through these changes. They need to believe – just as you’ve had to learn – that they’ll become stronger and more resilient for the next families struck with loss and tragedy. No one gets to go through this lifetime unscathed no matter what we think.

And though divorce is an equal opportunity experience, so are the effects of Mother Nature’s wrath. We’re all subject to the whims that life sometimes throws our way. And though it may not seem fair, seldom does fairness get doled out during our life lessons.

I truly believe you are stronger than you realize. I truly believe in the grace that mankind has to offer others – as we’re witnessing between neighbor and neighbor in Houston. You are able to give your family and your community grace and generosity; you’re also allowed to ask for a hug, a moment of peace with your kids, a chance to say thank you, and the belief that your future will get better. I believe in you and all you have to offer.

 

As a simple reminder and offer, Laura Bonarrigo’s doingDivorce™ School begins the end of September. Reach out, look for my notifications and know, I believe in you!

3 Tips For How To Survive Infidelity And Divorce

Your friend calls deeply upset, shaken declaring, “they had an affair.” The air leaves the conversation. The stilted dialogue becomes upsetting; the questions swirl: How do you reconcile this news? How do you hold your friend’s news amidst your own anxiety and fear? You know it could happen so easily to you. You mumble a few choice words, offer apologies and your condolences, ask what they’re going to do. And hang up as soon as possible.

So often, when news of a friend’s infidelity filters into our conversations, the reaction is personal fear. You end up concentrating on your own marriage, your relationship; what’s happening in your marital bed. You try to recall the last time you made love to your spouse, your lover and you wonder, if you haven’t in awhile, “will it happen to me too?”

How to survive infidelity and betrayal is a deeply personal decision. 

There’s a common misperception that a set of rules that blanket religious dogma will keep you safe. Or you wrongly imagine that your community of friends would never have an affair. You consider how you grew up, your dad, uncles, and aunts – would they have had an affair? Did they step out of the marriage? Is that what that fight you overheard as a kid was all about?

The news of any affair brings up power imbalances in all relationships – including yours.

The story makes you look at how your default behavior has been playing out over the course of your marriage. The news makes you consider what you need to do differently.

Have you ever noticed how each time you hear about an affair, you begin to focus almost entirely on your spouse mentally chastising them for all the mistakes they’ve made? Are you aware of how you immediately begin the dance of “if I do this, they’ll love me…” forgetting that you too have a vested stake in keeping yourself whole, fulfilled, and respected in your marriage?

Below are 3 tips on how to survive infidelity and divorce whether you’re the one directly experiencing the news or not. These tips are about you – not your lover and this time around they’re also about your reactions to the news of others’ heartaches.

One of the biggest mistakes in marriages is putting your partner first over and over again. 

Wouldn’t it be nice to take back your power and focus on your own well-being and happiness?

Take back the focus and take care of you.

Selflessly giving, giving, giving =’s exhausting, resenting, no sexing… (couldn’t resist). When you over give to the point you’ve nothing left to offer, it’s impossible to show up generous, desirous or wanting your lover. No adult needs another child – they need a partner. They need reciprocity. They need mutual adoration, acceptance, conversation, fun, and intimacy.

The moment you find yourself over-sharing, over-giving, over-indulging and catering to the adult in your bed… you’ve become, essentially, their mother or father. And we don’t make love to our parents.

So stop!

You’re allowed to take time for yourself – to do things that recharge your energy and drive. Things that turn you on so that you have something to share and something new to talk about. You’re allowed to ask for your spouse to uphold his or her marital agreements to provide intimacy. You’re allowed to play as two consenting adults.

This is how you survive infidelity – you make sure your needs are met so there’s no need for an affair.

Put up boundaries.

Your friend’s relationship truly has little to nothing to do with your lover, your partner, your relationship, your marriage. It has to do with them and theirs. If you’re the kind of person who loves living their own personal reality TV show, you’re making a huge mistake. That story you’re watching has nothing to do with what’s really going on.

Like a reality TV show, there’s been an entire life happening behind the news you’re hearing about. When you indulge the story, remember, you’re simply getting the highlight reel!

Don’t fall prey to the machinations of an angry and hurt partner. If you do, you’ll start making up dialogue and question your own partner’s behavior. You’ll follow along blindly and neglect your own self-care that includes enjoying and adoring your lover. It’s important to keep your thoughts clean and focused on what you want. Not on what your friend is dealing with. I’m going to go as far as to say: It’s actually not a healthy friendship when or if your relationship begins to fall apart because you’re not keeping yourself in a healthy boundary.

Equalize the power in your relationships

Just as important as it is to make sure you have boundaries with your friendships, is to maintain equal footing with your lover married or not. When power imbalances begin to occur – due to wealth, education, personality, illness, social ease and comfort, worries and fears begin to creep in. You wonder if your relationship is on an even keel asking: “Are they being faithful?” “What are they doing when they travel for work?” “Do they need me now that they’re earning more money than I am and I’m staying home raising the kids?”

When there’s a power imbalance between lovers, there are many parts of the relationship that are too easy to blame.

A spouse making more money or a lover able to travel are opportunities to break agreements at home. When status changes, it’s important to have a frank conversation. To reevaluate the agreements, and make sure that the two of you are on the same page. Renegotiating the terms, redefining the roles has to happen all the time in partnerships – you don’t get to just do it by default.

If you are just doing it by default, know you’re inviting in trouble. And there’s no reason to invite in trouble!

As those around you struggle with their relationships, reevaluating your own requires the willingness to own up to what’s not working while also being able to keep others’ stories from affecting your commitments to one another. You can survive infidelity and divorce – especially when you don’t make others’ issues something for you to worry about.


If this conversation touches a nerve for you and your circle of friends, consider joining me this September in my online classes doingDivorce School. Applications will open the first week of September (a page will be added on this site) and I’m looking for those thinking about, going through or recovering from infidelity, divorce, and in the midst of recreating their lives. Divorce is an equal-opportunity experience – all are welcome to reach out: laura@laurabonarrigo.com

Which Marriages Survive Infidelity And Which Don’t

Passion! The expansive energy that lights us up and fuels our days. The feeling that defines being alive. The sense that we’ve got a reason to get out of bed in the morning. The force that keeps our love-making full and our relationships important.

Passion makes it all worthwhile.

When passion is missing, we pull in, retreat, and hide from our lives. We hide from our deepest desires including being with the person we say we love. How often have you found yourself hiding from your lover, your spouse? How many times have you retreated in boredom and exhaustion instead of tending to the fire of your relationship?

Falling out of love with a partner chips away at self-esteem and erodes the foundation of our lives. There’s no easy way to deal with the loss of passion. Which marriages survive infidelity and which don’t depend upon understanding your degree of passion. It has little to do with the thoughts you think and everything to do with the feelings you create. The difference between those who know how to survive cheating and those who don’t is grasping this rite of passage. Let’s dive into which marriages survive infidelity and how to survive betrayal and restore your relationship.

The moment – you know which one I mean. It’s the one when you realize you can’t sit across from them another minute. You simply don’t care about their day. You don’t care about their boss, their workload, the kids’ issues, their problems. You’ve no more to give and it’s torturous to pretend you’re interested. The boredom washes over you. You know how you’re feeling is normal, natural but wrong. You think, when you finally wake up to where you are, that you’ve had it, it’s over.

The new interest – the one who’s exciting and good looking. The one who listens to you with fresh eyes and a beautiful smile. The one who hangs on every word you say. They see something in you your partner hasn’t seen in ages. How long has it been since your lover (the one you’re committed to by word or law) has thought you were the boss? How long has passion been missing?

Infidelity begins so innocently. It creeps in when we’re not looking.

But when it occurs, it’s as if lightning has struck! The passion of feeling alive is seductive. You want more of being joyfully adored. Your soul screams of pleasure and delight (as long as you don’t consider the lover at home). You try not to waffle between feelings of intense excitement and fear. (Not because sex or being loved is wrong, only because you’re going against the commitment you’ve made to another person, never mind yourself.)

Reconciling your need for love with being your word – you and I both know you’ve thought about ending your relationship many times. Every day even as you rationalize that, “marriage contracts were put into play when humans didn’t live to 80 years old.” “We all outgrow one another.” or “Everyone’s having an affair.” The cynicism is exhausting. You blame them for not being the kind of person who lights you up. You rationalize staying because of the kids but you skulk around and are intimate with others because you can. Especially when you travel for work.

And then you wonder, how can my marriage survive their / my infidelity? 

You choose. 

The opportunity is right next to you day in and day out. At a certain point in life, you have to realize that your relationship is your greatest teacher. It has nothing to do with how old you are or what kind of work you do. Choosing to survive infidelity is about stepping into being your word. It’s not about being a martyr or “doing it for the kids.” (News flash: they know what you’re up to frankly and don’t really care about your feelings anyway.) Those child – centered marriages usually lack the very passion and fun you’re craving, so no wonder you wouldn’t want to stay living like that.

Doing the right thing is about making sure you respect yourself enough to remember your dreams.

Why bother having desires if you’re not going to commit to them?

Ideally, the person you’ve committed to has your best interest in mind. They know what you want. They knew you when. You commit to making your marriage a place of intimacy and love again by examining your own beliefs and the story you’re telling yourself. When you feel passion, you have the energy and heart to remember what you love about that person in your bed.

You become curious about what lights each other up. You step out of the ego’s need to be right and you decide to put your family in its entirety first. You make your life fun again, together. Not for them, for you. 

Yeah, you’re going to suck at this at first. It’s not going to feel as good as that attention and orgasm you just had with your new lover. And no, you can’t keep both.

Even though you won’t know how to come clean about the secret life you’ve been living with the person at the breakfast table, you get back into alignment with what lights you up. (News flash: it’s never a stranger with a pretty face unless you’re a sex addict.) The inner conflict isn’t there for you to unburden yourself and tell the truth, it’s the tension that challenges you to get with the program. To rise above the longing for passion with someone you don’t know and figure out how to have rapture again with the person next to you.

The rational choice in the face of emotional emptiness will be difficult. Especially if you and your partner never had rapture to begin with. Especially if you’re telling yourself that your life needs rapture before it’s too late. If you’re out of love with your partner, the commitment to reignite your passion will only be a mental choice at first. Finding the spark that lights up a life takes time. You won’t feel it at first, at least not until you put in the effort. You may not even feel it for some time – not until you let yourself stop blaming them for disappointing you. After all, it’s your life to live, not theirs. Chances are, you forgot to take care of yourself long before your marriage got stale.

The very thing you’re seeking – that heart song that you yearn for – is the gateway to what you want and need. It’s the energy that will create what you want because when you know you’re refueling your passion within your partnership, you show up bigger and better, with a sense of pride and accomplishment that no one can take away.

Believing in possibility

You are made of more than you realize. The sum total of your life isn’t just the stories and excuses you’re telling yourself. What I know for sure is that usually, you’re your own worst enemy! Yet you’re made up of so much more! Just because the past hasn’t turned out the way you wanted it to, does not mean the future can’t be better than you imagine today. Including how you show up with your partner, how you make love to one another, what you do together to create excitement, how you spend the time you have together, what they’re thinking about, what you’re talking about, and how you treat one another. (All the things you find unique in a new lover.)

When you’re being your best, you know where your values are. Building upon those values (the ones that had you marry in the first place) means honoring yourself and your goals. When you know yourself and have the confidence to show up for yourself, instead of hiding out of shame and embarrassment, it gives you the chance to believe in falling in love again. Let your heart tell your ego that it’s got this and allow yourself to dream putting aside anger and resentments, filling up with hope.

At this point, you’re either annoyed or confused. You feel there’s some truth in this article, you wonder why you didn’t think of this before. The doubt is coursing through your body. I get it. Asking for help from a mentor (a men’s group, therapist, relationship coach) seems worse – it means things aren’t good. (News Flash: they aren’t.) So go ask for help. Allow yourself to create a better future without sabotaging who you know yourself to be. The marriages that survive infidelity and restore their relationships are those who do just that. They seek a new way of doing things and hold themselves accountable.

Feelings are fickle things. Creating a life filled with passion starts with making the choice to do so today. 

Contact Laura Bonarrigo

 

As a divorce coach, I work with individuals considering leaving their marriages. I have many clients that imploded theirs by having affairs. Often, clients realize they want to stay and make their union work. Your marriage is your greatest teacher and I believe with a little guidance, you can easily get back on right track. If you feel stuck, reach out laura@laurabonarrigo.com I will teach you how to get quiet and remember what attracted you to the life you’re living in the first place and help you make it even better going forward.

Surviving a Wife’s Infidelity: It Is Really Possible?!

No matter who cheats in a relationship, surviving and restoring a marriage after infidelity isn’t easy for either partner. And when a wife cheats, it leaves a particularly nasty taste in a husband’s mouth especially since most people assume, wrongly, that only men cheat. It messes with a man’s ability to trust anyone but especially themselves. It definitely affects his ability to trust within his own home. Once that trust is broken, how can you rebuild it with the same person who’s created the damage? You must seek growth and take back your independence.

It’s going to take more courage than you’ve ever had to muster in your personal relationships. 

Courage to admit that you cannot go through this alone and courage to restore your marriage to some modicum of what you want or thought you had. It’s going to take two of you to make it better. It also requires the effort of two mature adults. Unfortunately, infidelity doesn’t happen between two healthy people. It occurs when the spoken and unspoken agreements no longer sustain the couple – one person ends up living willingly or not, in fantasy; the other in the immediacy of their feelings and desires. Regardless of how modern some marriages are, infidelity only occurs and is labeled as such, when a couple has the spoken agreement of monogamy. An open marriage does not experience infidelity.

In order to restore your relationship, there needs to be a truing up of what’s really going in the bedroom. The mutual creation of a new agreement – spoken and unspoken. A commitment to personal growth and to the partnership, and family. 

This is nearly impossible to create by yourselves. So, please, don’t just read this and think you’ve got it – that’s what’s gotten you into trouble, to begin with. Get yourself some good help. Neither person is capable of recreating their partnership without outside intervention and support.

The effects: It takes a lot of work to rectify the broken trust and ensuing pain of infidelity. Going outside of one’s values and stepping out of integrity affects everything… finances, relationships, job, career prospects, living situation, and lifestyle. Everything.

You can’t DIY or simply, “deal with it” minimizing the impact cheating does to your psyche and to your heart.

The experience of finding out: it takes courage to digest and grasp the entire story. Usually, an affair is quite hidden, often occurring over a great deal of time with one lover (women don’t usually go from bed to bed). It’s hard to get present to the fact that she’s been living a double life. She’s going to be defensive and frightened of your response. (Understandably.) And you will want to be careful – the confession isn’t going to be easy to hear or to understand.

In your reaction: you won’t feel as if you can possibly survive your wife’s infidelity. You don’t know who to hate more – her, her lover or yourself for not seeing it. You’ll be filled with conflicting thoughts of wanting to pull in or to express rage by taking violent action. You’ll imagine heroics that in this day and age will end you up in jail. You won’t care.

You can’t hate her into loving you. You can’t hate him enough to destroy yourself.You can’t punish yourself into forgiveness.

It becomes a series of tortuous moments… logical, understandable, justified and without a win if you express them, anywhere in sight. The powerlessness and overwhelm can drive a person crazy.

It’s tough to navigate this particular emotional storm. One minute you’re in love, trying to forget driven by the fear of what the future looks like. Another, you’re willing to forgive but not forget and all along, you want to turn back time and pretend none of it happened, to begin with.

Do no harm: you initially survive by stepping out of the dynamic the two of you have created. Go someplace safe for awhile. Leave, so that you can cool down before you say or do something you’ll regret. Take some time away from the partnership to give yourself a safe place to process.

You’re going to want a place (like for an hour, a week, every week for a few hours) just for you because you’ve put your faith into the wrong part of your life and you need to find faith in yourself again. Unfortunately, betrayal cuts deep and it’s not easy to reclaim trust.

Your work includes facing facts, gaining clarity, rebuilding your independence within your marriage. You’ll have to take a hard look at whatever lack of sex or emotional disconnection you two have developed. You’ll have to face your naiveté, your willingness to play along, your work schedule, your undying need for family. You’ll naturally begin to protect yourself and feel as if everything is unsteady: your friendships, your colleagues, your family, asking, “Who knew what?” These moments hurt.

Growth seems to never happen during the good times.

Stay on your side of the street: I am not a big fan of keeping a cheater in your life. A cheater is a cheater is a cheater is a cheater until the day they decide not to cheat any longer. You cannot make that decision for your wife.

Marriage in our day and age is about choice.

Each day, every married couple wakes up and decides if this is another day for putting family and spouse first. Every day. Without that judgment, it’s tough to create happiness and harmony in your home. We are inundated with distraction, come-ons, pornography, attraction, and opportunity.

If you don’t opt-in to creating a loving relationship, monogamy doesn’t stand a chance.

The trap: in wanting to stay together, you will be tempted to blame yourself. Sometimes you’ll think that’s your only option. You do play a part in the dynamic you’ve created, but you are not responsible for the cheating. Ever. No matter what is thrown in your face – and lots will be thrown in your face!

Part of the issue was your willingness to tolerate permeable boundaries. The problem is, you may not have known that they were even there. You may not have known about your wife’s proclivities, but either way, now that you know, it’s time to protect you. To understand your co-dependence, your need for this person beyond mere love. Love alone cannot save a marriage. I wish it were that easy. So you’re going to have to do your work to become an individual again within your partnership. She cannot have all the power. She’s proven not to be trustworthy with your heart.

Where you go from here: marriages that survive infidelity depend upon two people, committed to recreating everything together. Without that kind of commitment, it will not work. So your first test… will she join you?

You need her undying commitment to being in a couple with you. Again.

You can’t continue shouldering all the burden of the relationship by yourself any longer. You’ve been doing it without her full support for too long. It will eat at your self-esteem and self-respect going forward.

Overcoming shame with forgiveness: You’re in the position of power for a brief moment, able to work together to heal the shame she’s feeling of stepping out of your value system and what doing so caused in your marriage.

With shame comes the opportunity for you to grant forgiveness and to become a bigger person.

By doing so, you put your healing into the realm of possibility. It’s a harder journey than just sitting down and discussing what’s not working with a spouse. It is truly stepping into a new day layered with generosity and trust.

What’s required: lots of boundaries, date nights, SEX, things to feed a new rapport, things that feel good and the undying belief that you’ll get through this healing by and for yourself as well as by and for yourselves as a couple. In addition, you’ll need the antitheses of what you’re both feeling in boredom and anger: a big dash of romance, curiosity, variety, fun. Those dates and experiences require that you overcome your innate reactions which is why having outside help to show you the way, to encourage and to hold you to show up as your best is necessary. We mere mortals have a tough time getting over ourselves!

The new commitment is to one another not just family, not just self: no family, no child or children can expect to be the reason why a couple stays together. It’s not fair and an enormous burden on kids. You also can’t commit to just the kids or the family because that kind of commitment won’t keep your love life together. Parenting is tough, often boring, full of responsibility! What kind of turn on is that between two adults? The kids can never be more important than being lovers. Making love and having sex is adult play. Being lovers is what brought you together to create those munchkins. Do not put the onus on them if you want them to be healthy and if you want to be happily married again!

The results: an entirely new way of being together – which can be fun and exciting in and of itself! Everything must change – everything from healing and doing personal growth work and changing your own personal habits and lifestyle choices to possibly taking new vows together, having new friendships that don’t reek of embarrassment, shame or secrets. A balanced independent life mixed with being coupled up. Perhaps even a new home, a new environment, a new career. It is possible! It has been done. It can be done by you too.

You must learn a new way of thinking about being married and what marriage means and what monogamy means – not pretending you get it.

The success rate: doable. That’s all I’m going to say. But, you cannot do it alone. If she’s not getting love, attention, sex, adoration, creativity, freshness, variety, entertainment, help, desire, steadiness, calm, good parenting and whatever else you originally brought to your relationship to begin with and then some, she will leave again. You must own up to and do your work. That’s called being vulnerable, asking for help, seeking help, talking about the feelings, accepting all of it, doing your work to accept all of it, to process. Not wanting it to go away. Not just learning the right words to say, but deeply changing for the good of your love for her.

Yes, the onus is on both of you. Yes…. and, I’m sorry… you share in her infidelity. It is the dynamic that both of you created that she rejected. Facing that truth is hard.

Figuring out how to play with your enemy again takes stamina and strength. And inspiration, hope, optimism, a bigger faith than you might have at the moment.

So do your part, do your growth, make your courage to become a better, bigger man. You won’t regret any of that! That won’t be wasted time or money (in fact, none of this is wasted time or money so don’t even go down that path of thinking!)

Your life is teaching you a great deal. And as you strive to thrive because of your wife’s infidelity, you will know that you’re capable of anything and that true love is possible!

I believe in you!

So it’s tough and you know it. You’re angry, scared and lost in thoughts of revenge. Reach out: laura@laurabonarrigo.com Together, we’ll help you grow into a better, stronger, more loving relationship by shifting out of reaction and into strategic thinking, a bigger perspective and a new plan for your life.