Pre-Divorce Thinking

Worried Your Ex Will Hurt You Financially? Here Are 6 Questions To Explore With Your Attorney

February 23, 2018

Too often people enter the experience of separation and divorce with little to no understanding of their financial circumstances. People often stay in a bad marriage because they’re afraid of finances. When you have some sense of what’s going on, it’s easier to take the next step. Worried your ex will hurt you financially? Here are 6 questions to explore with your attorney. These questions and what they bring up for you and your family will help you develop coping skills to deal with your divorce.

Finances 101: I don’t understand our family finances, will my ex hurt me financially?

Most people have a gut sense of what to do when they begin considering separation. Many safe deposit boxes have been opened to store cash just in case. Sometimes the groceries just don’t cost as much as they usually do. Often an item or two is sold without a spouse’s knowledge. And of course, going back to school or beginning to work again is a usual route for preparing for the future.

But none of that matters if you’ve been blindsided by your spouse or in the dark about how much it costs to run your home. Those beginning weeks and months can seem pretty intimidating to those unaware.

My recommendation is to begin to ask questions early and often.

I was so naive! I knew nothing about my family finances. While I was going through my separation and divorce, I had to quickly learn what to do and how to do it.

I would have this recurring dream of stopping every young person on the street and asking them if they knew how to handle money: Did they understand how to build wealth? Did they understand interest? Compounded interest? Debt? Mortgages and HELOCs? I was a wife who didn’t and those first few weeks and months of my separation were filled with fear.

Fear of money is one of the worst feelings ever. But this I now know: you will learn how to run your home. Focus on learning and you’ll learn how to even manage your money. Over time, you’ll begin to keep a budget, start a new career, and figure it out. I did.

Here are 6 questions to explore with your attorney:

Your attorney is most likely, a family law attorney who has legal training with some idea of divorce-related financial decisions. They’re going to ask for lots of documents: tax returns, bank statements, profit and loss statements. They need to know the cost of running your home. You’ll gather that information from your credit cards and personal habits. But sometimes, you’ll need outside counsel. While interviewing your attorney, ask them:

Will I need to hire a new financial advisor? 2) Do you recommend I get a CDFA? (Certified Divorce Financial Analyst) Make sure you interview a few additional professionals so that when things get frustrating or frightening, you know you’ve selected someone you trust.

If you’re wondering why you may need to add to your team, think of it this way: your attorney is only one piece of your new team. And you will need a new team to help you make your new life.

Your family home: Should I keep my home in lieu of retirement accounts or other cash assets?

The most emotionally charged questions usually have to do with the family home. You’ll want to grasp what it takes to actually run this home… how much it costs to keep it up? (Think roof, walls, paint, property, and that furnace!) A contractor and even a real estate agent can help you consider future costs.

You need to understand how much that retirement account is worth. HR Departments, pension offices, insurance agents and your financial advisors will help you figure out what your portion of the investment comes out to be.

Ask if you’re entitled to things like bonuses, airline miles or even life insurance policies. I advise, asking a lot of questions before jumping to keep your home.

I’m so grateful I didn’t own a home to fight over. But my children still remember the home we had as a family and miss it dearly. I won’t lie, that pulls at my heartstrings. But, owning a home for emotional reasons… the evidence of success, the lifestyle you shared, the memories you made, where your children grew up… and then not being able to afford it is devastating. It may be better, and I only propose this thought, to change everything all at once. That way everyone gets a fresh start with this new chapter of their lives.

Family Business: We have a family business, what do I do now?

The possibility of losing the place where you may have worked at the same time your marriage is falling apart is tough. I truly hope you will get yourself some support in understanding the business. Do you know what the profit and loss statement looks like? How can you find out where all the money is? Do you know how it comes in and how it’s spent? Do you have access to old tax returns and financial records?

A Forensic Accountant will help an attorney who is in over their head. (Most attorneys don’t manage private family businesses.) A Forensic Accountant can help you understand the books. I advise you to not take anything for granted. Business liabilities may be a part of your settlement, you may be bought out, you may set up a way to continue working as a silent partner. There may be back taxes you might owe.

None of these decisions will be easy and may require additional business attorneys to work out. These are important questions to ask your attorney. Do not be concerned with advocating for what you need and hiring as much help as you can to gather the information necessary to help with negotiations.

Stay at home spouse: I stayed home raising our children while she went to work at her own business, what am I entitled to?

Fortunately, family law attorneys understand many of the state laws that provide for maintenance and child support for the stay-at-home spouse. Unfortunately, these figures don’t take into account the lifestyle you once had. Your attorney will most likely negotiate lifestyle, not your accountant. This is where many people start to panic, it’s where lifestyle changes like going back to work can be very upsetting.

Being a single mom or dad with a career or those returning to school while needing to run a home, may feel overwhelming. I also know from experience that it’s doable. Think of it as showing your children how to take responsibility for their lives. You’re showing them it’s never too late to learn new skills, to start over, to make a difference or to give back. They’re watching the spirit with which you strike out on your own. I’m proud of the new careers and the work I’ve done since being divorced. My children are proud of me too.

Hiding Money: What do I do if I suspect they’re hiding money?

For far too many people I know going through a divorce, hiding money is always top of mind. If you suspect your spouse is hiding money (and chances are that they are) it’s important to discuss how you’ll find it. This is where your attorney may suggest hiring a Private Eye to search out recent bank accounts, aliases, unpaid taxes, unexplained assets, etc.

The private eyes I know are competent professionals, former police officers, and people I would have over for dinner, not cartoon characters out of some B movie. With the internet, it’s way too easy to quickly move money around. You’ll need help in tracking down suspicious spending or some unexplained balances in a bank account or credit card statement.

Financial Costs of Divorce: Should I remove money out of our Joint Account?

The thing about financial fraud is that the IRS will be looking into your divorce as well. Your family law attorney may hint at this but in truth, I think the IRS likes to hang around courthouses. Don’t be surprised if a year or two later, you have an audit. I warn you because you may think your ex-made a phone call. (And they may have.) But many people who end up in court are audited. I myself went through two audits – one at the same time as my trial! It’s not fun. The stress is high. To get through it, you need the help of a competent accountant.

I know this conversation might be stirring you up a bit. Finances are not always fun and the fear in divorce is already running high for most people. Worried your ex will hurt you financially? I get it! Even when you understand some of the finances, we worry. It’s our biggest fear, and perhaps the reason you’ve stayed in a less than happy marriage. No one wants to be divorced and broke.

But, I also hold out a lot of hope. I have the hope you can find happiness and that you’ll learn about how you live a comfortable lifestyle knowing how you spend. You’ll learn what things are most important and how you want to show up for your kids. Over time, you’ll figure out how you want to live out the rest of your days. Discussions about money and finances reflect your life. And your life is important. You will not be broke after your divorce if you start to have these difficult conversations and make some adjustments. This I know for sure!

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

Which Marriages Survive Infidelity And Which Don’t Re-Ignite The Passion

July 24, 2017

Marriages survive infidelity with passion as a man and woman hug each other on a beach at sunset.

When passion is missing, we pull in, retreat, and hide from our lives. We hide from our deepest desires including being with the person we say we love. How often have you found yourself hiding from your lover, your spouse? How many times have you retreated in boredom and exhaustion instead of tending to the fire of your relationship? We wonder which marriages survive infidelity and which don’t. It all depends upon understanding your degree of passion.

Passion makes it all worthwhile.

Passion! The expansive energy that lights us up and fuels our days. Passion is the feeling that defines being alive. The sense that we’ve got a reason to get out of bed in the morning. The force that keeps our love-making full and our relationships important.

Falling out of love with a partner can chip away at self-esteem and erode the foundation of our lives.

There’s no easy way to deal with the loss of passion. It has little to do with the thoughts you think and everything to do with the feelings you create. The difference between those who know how to survive cheating and those who don’t is grasping this rite of passage. Let’s dive into which marriages survive infidelity and which don’t and how to survive betrayal to restore your relationship’s passion and love.

The moment of boredom.

You know which one I mean. It’s the one when you realize you can’t sit across from them another minute. You simply don’t care about their day. You don’t care about their boss, their workload, the kids’ issues, their problems. You’ve no more to give and it’s torturous to pretend you’re interested. The boredom washes over you. You know how you’re feeling is normal, natural but wrong. You think, when you finally wake up to where you are, that you’ve had it, it’s over.

The new interest who’s caught your eye and your attention.

The one who’s exciting and good looking. They’re the one who listens to you with fresh eyes and a beautiful smile. The one who hangs on every word you say. They see something in you your partner hasn’t seen in ages. How long has it been since your lover (the one you’re committed to by word or law) has thought you were the boss? How long has passion been missing?

Infidelity begins so innocently. It creeps in when we’re not looking.

But when it occurs, it’s as if lightning has struck! The passion of feeling alive is seductive. You want more of being joyfully adored. Your soul screams of pleasure and delight (as long as you don’t consider the lover at home). You try not to waffle between feelings of intense excitement and fear. (Not because sex or being loved is wrong, only because you’re going against the commitment you’ve made to another person, never mind yourself.)

Reconciling your need for love with your need for integrity, respect, attention.

You and I both know you’ve thought about ending your relationship many times. Every day even as you rationalize that, “marriage contracts were put into play when humans didn’t live to 80 years old.” “We all outgrow one another.” or “Everyone’s having an affair.” The cynicism is exhausting. You blame them for not being the kind of person who lights you up. You rationalize staying because of the kids but you skulk around and are intimate with others because you can. Especially when you travel for work. And then you wonder, how can my marriage survive their / my infidelity?

You choose to re-ignite passion for marriages to survive infidelity.

The opportunity is right next to you day in and day out. At a certain point in life, you have to realize that your relationship is your greatest teacher. It has nothing to do with how old you are or what kind of work you do. Choosing to survive infidelity is about stepping into being your word. And re-igniting your interest and passion in the person who is your spouse. It’s not about being a martyr or “doing it for the kids.” (News flash: they know what you’re up to frankly and don’t really care about your feelings anyway.) Those child – centered marriages usually lack the very passion and fun you’re craving, so no wonder you wouldn’t want to stay living like that.

Doing the right thing is about making sure you respect yourself enough to remember your dreams.

Why bother having desires if you’re not going to commit to them? Ideally, the person you’ve committed to has your best interest in mind. They know what you want. They knew you when. You commit to making your marriage a place of intimacy and love again by examining your own beliefs and the story you’re telling yourself. You decide to find the passion again.

When you feel passion, you have the energy and heart to remember what you love about that person in your bed.

You become curious about what lights each other up. Then you step out of the ego’s need to be right and you decide to put your family in its entirety first. You make your life fun again, together. Not for them, for you. Yeah, you’re going to suck at this at first. It’s not going to feel as good as that attention and orgasm you just had with your new lover. And no, you can’t keep both.

Even though you won’t know how to come clean about the secret life you’ve been living, you get back into alignment with what lights you up. The inner conflict isn’t there for you to unburden yourself and tell the truth. Instead, use it as a tension that challenges you to get with the program. To rise above the longing for passion with someone you don’t know and figure out how to have rapture again with the person next to you.

If you’re out of love with your partner, the commitment to reignite your passion will most likely be a mental choice at first.

The rational choice in the face of emotional emptiness will be difficult. Especially if you and your partner never had the passion, to begin with. Especially if you’re telling yourself that your life needs rapture before it’s too late. Finding the spark that lights up a life takes time. You won’t feel it at first, at least not until you put in the effort. You may not even feel it for some time. At least not until you stop blaming them for disappointing you. After all, it’s your life to live, not theirs. Chances are, you forgot to take care of yourself long before your marriage got stale.

The very thing you’re seeking – that heart song that you yearn for – is the gateway to what you want and need.

It’s the energy that will create what you want because when you know you’re refueling your passion within your partnership, you show up bigger and better. You’ll have a sense of pride and accomplishment that no one can take away.

Just because the past hasn’t turned out the way you wanted, does not mean the future can’t be better than today.

You are made of more than you realize. The sum total of your life isn’t just the stories and excuses you’ve told yourself. You’re made up of so much more. Including how you show up with your marriage partner. The way you make love to one another and what you do together creates excitement. Believe in the possibility of passion again. Because how you treat one another, how you spend time together color the novelty. When you figure out what they’re thinking about or mix things up you’ll find them interesting and unique again.

When you’re being your best, you know where your values are.

Building upon those values (the ones that had you marry in the first place) means honoring yourself and your goals. When you know yourself and have the confidence to show up for yourself, instead of hiding out of shame and embarrassment, it gives you the chance to believe in falling in love again. Let your heart tell your ego that it’s got this and allow yourself to dream again. Put aside any anger and resentments and fill up with hope and passion. The marriages that survive infidelity and restore their relationships are those who do just that. They seek a new way of doing things and hold themselves accountable to loving one another.

Contact Laura Bonarrigo

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of The Better Divorce and doingDivorce™ School – online coaching programs for those ready to shed the pain of breakups. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com.

Surviving a Wife’s Infidelity: It Is Really Possible To Trust Again?!

May 24, 2017

A man sits upright in bed reconciling his wife's infidelity as she lies next to him. No matter who cheats in a relationship, surviving and restoring a marriage after infidelity isn’t easy for either partner. When a wife cheats, it leaves a particularly nasty taste in a husband’s mouth for all those sexist beliefs we have about infidelity. Most people assume, wrongly, that only men cheat. When a wife commits adultery, it messes with a man’s ability to trust anyone but especially themselves. It definitely affects his ability to trust within his own home. In order to survive a wife’s infidelity, it is possible to trust again but there are growth and independence to get back again.

Regardless of how modern some marriages are, infidelity only occurs and is labeled as such, when a couple has the spoken agreement of monogamy. An open marriage does not experience infidelity.

In order to restore your monogamous relationship and overcome your wife’s infidelity, you will have to true up to what’s really going in the bedroom. A new agreement – spoken and unspoken has to be put back into your relationship. Along with a commitment to personal growth, the growth of the partnership, and the growth of the family.

It takes a lot of work to rectify broken trust and the ensuing pain of a wife’s infidelity.

Doing so is going to take more courage than you’ve ever had to muster in your personal relationships before now. Because infidelity doesn’t occur between two people who are working on their monogamous relationship with humility and openheartedness.

There’s the courage to admit you cannot go through this alone and the courage to restore your marriage to some modicum of what you want or thought you had. Doing so takes two mature adults willing to take a good look at themselves. Infidelity occurs because spoken and unspoken agreements are broken.

Recreating agreements before or after infidelity cannot be done by just one partner.

Too often in my line of work, I hear from someone getting a divorce because their wife has cheated on them. The pain is evident and heartbreaking to learn. The effects and ramifications for this kind of pain can affect everything. It costs a lot of money to become divorced. Self-esteem can suffer. Then as the concentric circles move outward, one’s job, relationships, career prospects, and lifestyle might be changed. It’s not easy to deal with all these changes by oneself.

You can’t DIY or simply, “deal with it” minimizing the impact cheating does to your psyche and to your heart.

It’s hard to face the double life.Usually, an affair is quite hidden, often occurring over a great deal of time. (Women don’t usually go from bed to bed.) She’s going to be defensive and frightened of your response. (Understandably.) And you will want to be careful – the confession isn’t going to be easy to hear or to understand.

Most people initially feel as if they can’t possibly survive their wife’s infidelity. You don’t know who to hate more – her, her lover or yourself for not seeing it. You’ll probably be filled with conflicting thoughts.

Unfortunately, you can’t hate her into loving you. You can’t hate him enough to destroy yourself and there’s no way you can’t punish yourself into forgiveness.

It becomes a series of tortuous moments. The powerlessness and overwhelm can drive a person crazy. As you try to navigate this particular emotional storm, one minute you’re in love, trying to forget. You’re driven by the fear of what the future looks like. Another, you’re willing to forgive but not forget. While all along, you want to turn back time and pretend none of it happened, to begin with.

When you’re surviving a wife’s infidelity, first, do no harm.

Go someplace safe for a while. Leave, so that you can cool down before you say or do something you’ll regret. Take some time away from the partnership to give yourself a safe place to process. Unfortunately, betrayal cuts deep and it’s not easy to reclaim trust if you don’t take time away for yourself for a while.

To rebuild trust, face facts and reestablish healthy independence within your marriage.

This takes some time. You’ll have to take a hard look at whatever lack of sex or emotional disconnection you developed. As you face your naiveté, you’ll naturally begin to protect yourself and feel as if everything is unsteady. This is the time to question what’s been going on.

It’s funny how growth seems to never happen during the good times.

I am not a big fan of keeping a cheater in your life. But I’m also not in your shoes. My belief is that a cheater is a cheater until the day they decide not to cheat any longer. You cannot make that decision for your wife.

Marriage in our day and age is about free choice. Every monogamous couple wakes up and decides if this is another day for putting their lover at home first. Every day. Without making that decision, it’s tough to create happiness and harmony in your home. We are all inundated with distractions like pornography, flirtations and many opportunities to cheat.

If you don’t opt-in to creating a loving relationship, monogamy doesn’t stand a chance.

As you work to survive your wife’s infidelity, you may be tempted to blame yourself. Sometimes you’ll think that’s your only option. You do play a part in the dynamic you’ve created, but you are not responsible for the cheating. Ever. No matter what is thrown in your face. Most likely a lot will be thrown in your face.

Love alone cannot save a marriage. I wish it were that easy. So you’re going to have to do your work to become an individual again within your partnership. Unfortunately, for right now, she’s proven not to be trustworthy with your heart.

The marriages that survive a wife’s infidelity depend upon two people, committed to recreating everything together. Without that kind of commitment, it will not work. So your first test… will she join you?

You need her undying commitment to being in a couple with you. Again.

You can’t continue shouldering all the burden of the relationship by yourself any longer. When a wife has had an affair, you realize that you’ve been doing most of it without her full support for far too long. It will eat at your self-esteem and self-respect going forward.

With the right kind of support and guidance, you have a brief window to heal the shame with forgiveness. When you decide to become the bigger person, you put your healing into the realm of possibility. It’s a harder journey than just sitting down and discussing what’s not working with a spouse. It is truly stepping into a new commitment layered with generosity and trust.

After a wife’s infidelity, it’s time to understand what marriage and monogamy truly mean.

To play with your enemy again takes stamina and strength. Along with inspiration, hope, and optimism. Perhaps even a bigger faith than you might have at the moment. As you do your part and take on your growth, you’ll be surprised by your courage. I suspect, based on the clients I’ve worked with, you won’t regret any of your efforts. Your growth will justify the time or money. Life is, once again, teaching you a great deal. As you strive to thrive because of your wife’s infidelity, you will know you’re capable of anything and that true love is possible!

What Is The Process Of Divorce-Can You Help Me Understand It?

January 3, 2017

If you’re going through a divorce, then, unfortunately, you probably don’t know what a happy relationship really feels like. You’re also, probably, most definitely, scared out of your mind. So that’s where someone like a coach comes in to help you understand the process of divorce. Anyone going through this kind of breakup needs a mentor. The process of divorce is expensive and guidance is not when compared to how long most divorces take. You’re going to want help to understand what’s going on legally. And you’ll need inspiration so you can create a new, happy life for yourself with everything that entails. The process of divorce affects everything.

Your divorce is uniquely yours. It’s your rite of passage into a new future…

The legal steps are fairly clear and have their own timeline and rhythm despite the anger or drama. There are legal steps like filing a petition, getting temporary orders or serving the other person. You’ll await a response, then negotiate. Perhaps there’ll be a litigation and trial if necessary. In mediation, each party tries to frame their position and negotiate equitable terms. The settlement documents go to court for approval. Some states require co-parenting classes. Sometimes there is forensics. And sometimes there are domestic violence issues and family court. Each of these legal steps has their trained professionals whose job it is to get you legally, ethically, safely separated.

On the emotional side, things take a less linear route and this is where getting a mentor is incredibly helpful. I believe healing doesn’t truly begin until after that decree is signed. But wearing the stigma of divorce, like a Scarlet D on your tee shirt, also doesn’t have to color the rest of your life.

In order to heal, typically, you factor in a few things. Like how much time you were married. Or the habits formed and the agreements tolerated while with that person. Along with the practices you honed. Then allow yourself time to do your healing work. There are reasons why you’re experiencing this very big life lesson. You definitely don’t want to go through it over again.

A good measure goes like this. Take the AA 12 steps that apply to you and your understanding of a universal spirit and add the 7 stages of grief. Then add the 4 steps to codependency recovery and the 5 phases of abandonment recovery. Mush them all together. Without being facetious, that’s what you have to figure out to get through the entire process of divorce.

Let me make this as clear as possible: you are creating an entirely new life.

First, you will want to decouple from the energy that attracted you to your ex in the first place. Next, you will work through the grief towards acceptance. In the process, you get to rebuild your self-esteem, your pocketbook, and your boundaries. Through this, you will learn to trust again and in the process get back your mojo.

You learn to accept your human foibles, emotional crutches, and then take responsibility for your part. None of us are perfect so learning to forgive and let go of shame are critical. Then you can develop faith, hope, and the confidence to let someone new in. As you can see, this doesn’t happen overnight.

You can continue living a great life while doing your work. You can fall in love, remarry, move, get a promotion and make money. The best thing about a divorce is that you get to start over. You get to decide the kind of life you want to have. However, you must become conscious and self-aware. The divorce process wakes you up because we take ourselves wherever we go. And you have to give yourself the gift of guidance and time.

There are no shortcuts through the healing process of divorce.

The entire process is different for each person. It’s also non-linear with fits and starts. But you really do have to go through all of it or you’ll end up stuck. People who don’t are often deflated or worn out with Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™.

Unfortunately, you can fall in love, move in with someone (who’s a lot like your ex) marry and still have Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™. Or you can make a lot of money, be in great health, have many gorgeous new partners and still have Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™. A sure sign of Post-Traumatic Divorce Disorder™ is starting a new family then getting divorced again. It’s also statistically certain.

The process of divorce demands respect.

You can’t just wrap it up and pretend your divorce never happened. Nor can you replace one lover with another and expect to be healed. Even more importantly, you can’t argue and fight for the rest of your future. Chances are you aren’t sick or incompetent. You’re most likely just scared, hurt, and angry ready to forget about all of it. Unfortunately, that won’t work.

Find someone to work with like a Certified Divorce Coach. Hire that person to help hold you accountable. This way your new love and your new life will be different than your past. Make sure to find someone to help you understand what’s going on. On a certain level, you imploded your marriage so you could go through this awesome and life-changing rite of passage. You deserve to find the happiness you crave and deserve.

Dear Santa… Please Help My Parents Stop Fighting

December 6, 2016

Dear Santa, a wish list to help parents stop fighting during the holidays. Dear Santa,
Please help my parents stop fighting. I’m really scared. There’s too much noise. I pray for them to stop yelling and arguing but it doesn’t help. Last week I saw my dad hit my mom. She was crying and I didn’t know what to do. I’m really scared and I don’t like it.

Signed,
A child

Are you living in fear and trying to hide it from your kids?

(News flash: your children know all about it.) They’re watching, listening and they feel the tension. Way too often, kids see the slaps, hear the crying, and are present to the anger. If you’re a parent, how can you rein it in over the holidays? Is it possible for you to avoid taking the bait, and instead, walk away from the fight? What would it take to commit to taking the high road?

In the long run, walking away helps you. It won’t be easy to walk away. You may need outside help or intervention. It might feel really frightening. Walking away from something you’re used to is tough. But for you and your children, it’ll be worth it.

How do parents stop fighting? They walk away from it over and over again.

I want my friends to play with me. But I feel as if the kids act like I’m weird and everyone’s looking at me. Why can’t they just play? I used to be able to have fun. Now I’m dragged around to appointments and have to talk to grown-ups all the time. It’s not fun and it’s not fair.

Your children want time away from school deadlines and away from the pressures of your fighting or divorce.

They also need adult help, maybe supervision, and certainly time with someone other than you who has the patience to listen. What they don’t understand is the pace with which you’re barking at them. Or what they’re doing wrong to warrant your frustration. They want time to play with their friends and they don’t understand why you’re always rushing them from place to place. Children just want to hang out and have fun again. They miss their friends and they want their old routines.

What children of all ages need is the reassurance that you are safe and thus, they are safe.

While you’re fighting whether pre or post-divorce, you know everything’s up in the air. The old routines are beginning to go away. It’s unfortunate, but of course, you don’t mean to take out your frustration on them. So, how can you slow down this winter? Are there pockets of time to have fun? Your kids need you to do new things with them so can you rally yourself and enjoy being together? As you create new traditions, tell yourself that the divorce and the fighting can wait and go enjoy some fun. You and your children need a break.

Please make my parents be parents. They’re making me decide what to do, like all of a sudden I’m the grown up. I hate it when they keep telling me things about each other. I don’t really care. Seriously. I have homework to do and friends to see. My mom keeps asking me to do stupid chores around the house and I don’t want to be around her. I also don’t want to see my dad in a new place or eat in restaurants with him and his new girlfriend.

Putting your children in the middle of decision making is really stressful for them.

You probably don’t mean to do so. But it’s really hard not to bring things up and vent or complain. Unfortunately, there’s no win in asking them to decide who to be with or whom to see and what to do. This is your role. Your child can’t be physically pulled in half – imagine that the next time you ask them to decide.

Instead, reach out to their other parent and make a pact to keep them out of the fight. In the long run, you will both have a relationship with your children. Try to remember that the parent who pulls them apart the most will ultimately lose. Also, today’s kids are really smart. When my parents divorced, we were the only family around. Your kids know the game you’re playing. They’re on to you!)

My sister and I want to go have some fun and all I hear is ‘we can’t afford to.’ What happened? Does this mean I can’t do my team sports next summer? Are we poor? Where will we be living? Why is grandpa putting food in the refrigerator and mom is always working now? This doesn’t feel right. Do I have to go get a job?

Children know when economic changes happen in their home.

All children see and feel the disparities between households and lifestyle. It is real to them and for those on the outside looking in, it’s not our place to pass judgment. Contrary to common belief, whether a family is in the 1% or the 99%, children can see, feel and experience the stress of trying to make ends meet. Furthermore, in their adolescence, they know you’re trying to keep up the lifestyle they once knew. Even when they’re testing you to see how far they can push.

Putting the children first means providing for their lifestyle and making their other home as comfortable as possible… for them!

When the fight extends to cutting the less monied spouse’s lifestyle just because it can be done, it’s harming your children. (News flash: it’s also mean-spirited and controlling.) A household that can’t maintain a familiar lifestyle, is stressful for everyone. Your children feel it and know it. They want their parents to stop fighting. Reassure them you’ve got this. help them understand the new choices to be made and avoid playing dirty – your children are watching.

This Holiday season, may you find peace and comfort in traditions and new practices. Hopefully, you will have some time to be with your children and some space to step away from the pressure. Instead of fighting, try spending time with neighbors and family. Each time you walk away from the fight, you get a much-needed break from the stress of separation.