Laura Bonarrigo

Divorce Coach

Dating Rules for Men

The Biggest Problems With Dating After Divorce When You’re A Dad

Dating after divorce as a dad is different than simply preparing your heart for a new relationship. The problem is knowing how to balance your care and concern for your children with your emotional needs to be in a relationship with another adult. You have to heal from the legacy of wearing the Scarlet D.™ It’s not just about dating and it’s not just about being a dad. As an adult, you want intimacy, whereas most kids, don’t want to share their father with another person, period. There are times when getting on the bench is useful – especially at the beginning of your separation and divorce. While, at other times, when the family has regrouped and the bonds between you and your kids are stronger, you may find that you’re all be ready for you to date. Ready or not, introducing your kids to a new partner is tricky and has its own etiquette of dating after divorce!

As a parent, the shame and stigma around divorce is what you must heal in order to wisely bring a new partner into your life and into your heart. If you don’t, the legacy goes with you into your new relationship. It colors how you can love, how you can trust. It will permeate how you interact with your kids’ mother and how you will introduce your kids to someone you finally can intimately love – when you do. Your family is worthy of a happy, emotionally healthy father. You’re worthy of sharing your life with another emotionally healthy adult who you can have in your children’s lives.

It goes without saying though that dating after divorce with a child is more complicated than dating as a bachelor. When you are ready to date, you may try to keep your dating (and having sex) on the level of previous bachelorhood behavior (sneaking around during the day, in between work appointments or late at night) or when the kids are with their other parent. But at a certain point, that person you’re having sex with is going to begin asking for more and wanting to enmesh themselves in your life. You won’t be able to simply have casual sex without the demand and need for commitment. Commitment as a parent means, introducing your children to your lover. This is when things get more difficult.

How you introduce your children to your lover as a divorced dad takes quite a bit of finessing. You’re going to want to be thoughtful, strategic, and committed. When it comes to introducing your kids to a new partner after divorce, it will not serve you or them to have your children meet a casual lover or simply a friend with benefits.

The last thing your children need to do is to get to know your friend with benefits. 

 

When you work on your own healing, you give your children an enormous gift because if you don’t do your work, if you bring someone new into their lives because you need any woman or man to help you feel whole, you’re setting yourself up to have that person leave (even years down the road). As a result, your children will be left with even more work to do on themselves. Statically speaking, they too will suffer divorce working through the issues that you refused to do when you could. No amount of sex or the comfort of another adult in your life can take the place of the kind of healing your heart and mind must go through after divorce. This is a big mistake most people make. Instead of doing their own work, parents leave their kids the legacy and scars of their divorce to clean up for themselves.

Your children are already dealing with their first divorce. They too are grieving the loss of their family. They’re worried about trusting others. They’re nervous about their new schedules and maybe withdrawing from you even during your appointed parenting time. It’s not going to help your children to meet someone you’re sleeping with only to have them lose this person too. When a divorced dad introduces his children to his most recent lover only to break up with them at some point, his kids will most certainly develop abandonment issues and other insecurities.

So when should you start seriously dating after your divorce? When you’ve done your work and properly healed your heart and mind. When you can be around your kids’ mother without getting into a fight. When you’re able to see her with another. When you can honestly talk about your life and your feelings with your children without blame and resentments. When your family has adjusted to the new arrangement. This doesn’t happen in year one or two… (News Flash: sometimes it doesn’t happen until year six or seven even… just sayin’). Wearing the Scarlet D™ is real and you’ll want to do your healing around it.

Some people feel they can introduce their teenagers to their dates without too many repercussions. Others feel divorced parents should wait to date until their children are at least eighteen. My experience is this: when that lover can show up for you and your family – putting themselves second to being a co-parent to your children – then, and only then, do you introduce them to your kids. 

 

You see, your lover will want to “play house” with you. They’ll want to help you with holiday shopping and gift giving at birthdays. They’ll want to be at your kids’ recitals and baseball games. They’ll want to enmesh themselves in your parenting woes and try to help you figure out how to handle your kids’ mom.

Unfortunately, this is not your lover’s role until they’re properly invited into your family structure. The invitation isn’t simply extended because the two of you have been intimate. Most divorced dads don’t get this and then find themselves with a lover who’s ingratiated themselves into their kids’ lives but who shouldn’t be there. Dads who willingly give away their responsibility to the newest lover in their bed aren’t helping themselves or their family.

Your kids will know this better than anyone. They’ll let you know they don’t feel comfortable. They won’t want to have your lover spending time with them. They’ll begin to play games and you’ll be put in the middle negotiating terms between your partner and your kids which isn’t fair to you either. This is the cost of forcing or allowing a lover to enmesh themselves without being properly invited into the family. And your children, will break you up. Or make your lives pretty miserable replicating the fighting and drama you just left. So be careful, wise, timely and certain before you bring your lover into the role of step-mom.

Which is why so many people will advise you to wait to date or to bring a partner into your kids’ lives. I know this is difficult. It’s not about a date or an age, it’s about getting your healing work done. The legacy of divorce is real – your children will be left with the scars – the pain and stigma and shame of your divorce if you don’t do your work. So do your work. Find good help. Reach out. You deserve a healthy, happy home. And you’ll get there if you allow yourself a chance to learn how.

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain and stigma of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

How To Survive Being A Single Dad – Leave Behind The Pain Of Your Divorce

Working with single dads going through a breakup from the mother of their children, I find guys need to know that they’re doing a good job raising their kids on their own or co-parenting with the other parent. They worry that they won’t be able to survive being a single dad, to always be there for their kids and to have their own needs met at the same time. They worry that they “need a woman” as I’m often told on social media as if having sex will fix the problems co-parenting brings or dealing with the legal separation cause. And they need to know they’ll survive the sacrifices they’ll have to make in order to raise healthy and competent adults coming from the experience of a broken home.

In truth, I find there are a lot of single dads who are stronger, wiser, more competent than men have ever been at raising kids on their own. I’m always impressed by their focus and commitment. I’m the first to affirm they’re doing a great job. There are enormous benefits for young kids when single dads commit to them wholeheartedly and unfortunately, not enough single dads do so. When two separated parents are able to co-parent together, there’s less of a chance that the legacy and stigma of divorce be passed onto the kids involved.

The problem is that most men (and women) going through divorce force themselves to make a decision: act like teenagers and seek sex and relationships with new people or put the well-being of their kids first. On a personal level, that’s not easy; everyone thinks they can easily do both. On a societal level, there’s way too much data advocating you get on the bench while raising young people through divorce.

If that’s a price you, as a single dad, aren’t willing to make, you need to ask yourself if you have the skills and knowledge to survive raising your kids with all the demands of time, money and attention kids require while balancing the demands a new relationship will require of you? More importantly, what makes you think you can’t survive being a single dad without a woman in your life? And what’s keeping you from figuring out how to be the best single dad around?

Sex… it usually comes down to needing to have sex. (Which we all need!) But without a commitment to parenting first and enjoying oneself second, your kids are more likely to be exposed to future abandonment issues, a legacy of divorce in their own future marriages, and feelings of unworthiness stemming from your actions. Statistically, you’re more likely to go through another divorce and your kids will lose another person whom they’ve loved. It’s not a very pretty picture and one that sets you up for what I call Post Traumatic Divorce Disorder.™

 

This isn’t to say that you can’t have a relationship. Or that you can’t date away from your children like when they’re with the other parent. You just have to decide what’s most important: the 18 – 21 years you’ve committed to raising this small person you’ve brought into the world or your own sexual needs. What’s more important, getting along with their other parent or continuing the fight by engaging in a constant war? What’s more important, maturing up the parts of you that got wrapped up in the fight or learning how to do this marriage thing right?

Surviving being a single dad requires you step outside your own needs and perspective and take on the bigger picture.

Your children didn’t ask to be born (well, they may have on a soul level but that’s another article). They didn’t have the affair, the arguments, do the drugs or whatever else that caused the rupture and heartache between you and their mother. They’re dealing with their first divorce: they’re afraid of being abandoned by both of you and are trying desperately to win your approval while managing to stay out of the way of your anger. They’re caught up in their own grief and loss, and too often, they’ve got no way of talking to you about how they’re feeling.

That’s a lot for a little person to be dealing with and they’re counting on you to help them. 

I want to address the #1 thing you must do as a single dad in order to survive (and thrive) through your divorce and raising your kids. You must change how you think about things. You must step outside of your pride and ego, and get on the bench for a period of time. You must keep your sexual needs and dating away from your children if you must date. And you must remember not to bring your dates around your children until and only if, you’re 100% committed to marriage.

Are these old-fashioned ideas? Yep. Any day of the week!

You’re the #1 male role model for the young people you’re raising. Your daughters will marry a man just like you. Your sons will become men that mirror you. 

 

That’s what happens when you decide to become a father whether you want to admit it or not. That’s what we all do and have done to the parents who raised us. Without pressing pause and getting some training on being a single dad, you’re bound to make mistakes (News Flash: you’re going to make mistakes anyway but at least with some help, they won’t be monumental – like putting your kids through another divorce.)

So seek some competent help – a great role model, a wiser man you admire, someone who’s been where you’ve been. Slow down… your sex drive is not going to go away.

And then trust yourself. You have an innate wisdom that comes with being alive. I’ve no doubt you want to protect your kids, you want to do what’s right, you know you’re doing the best you can. And you’d never want your kids to marry someone who will hurt them. It’s time to remember who you are away from the dating, the courtship, the marriage, and the fight. Give yourself some time to heal and to rebuild your life before you spread yourself too thin. Stay connected to what’s really important to you.

How you live your life is the legacy you will leave your kids. They will mirror and model what you do. They will most likely date someone just like you and their other parent. They will watch and follow your lead. Then, of course, they’ll rebel for a bit until they return to what they know. We’ve all done that until we stop and think and learn, and mature up the parts of ourselves that need help.

I believe you’re capable of surviving and thriving as a single dad. I know that you do not have to carry the pain and stigma of being divorced into your future. You don’t have to leave that legacy for your kids either. It just requires you commit to learning a different way – not a harder or longer path but the shortest way through healing from your divorce. This is rare stuff what I’m offering. And it simply requires you open your mind and ask how to do a better job raising your kids on your own or co-parenting with the mother of their children before bringing in another person and repeating the pattern all over again.

 

Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit www.doingDivorceSchool.com and laurabonarrigo.com.

What Dating After Divorce For A Man is REALLY Like

Dating after divorce for a man comes with this romantic notion that there are millions of women just waiting for him, the stud-man, to be the one to sweep her off her feet, make passionate love to her, and answer all her feminine needs. Yeah, right! Just the other day, the message from a male client was… “I had a horrible first date yesterday. Just a nightmare.” Of course, it was. Stuck in your unfulfilling, possibly sexless marriage, dreaming of getting out, you have no idea what dating after divorce for men is really like.

Even when the man in the partnership cheats or emotionally leaves the marriage first, most men find dating after divorce a complex and difficult experience. There’s some truth to the wisdom that having such a plethora of women to select from – which online dating offers all – adds to the overwhelm and inability to commit or to find pleasure with the woman across the table from you on a date.

But, just as true is the fact that after divorce, a man is equally as scarred and scared as a woman. My female clients see this all the time. They experience first-hand the broken spirit of a guy or two leaving a marriage (no matter who was at fault or who called it quits first). It’s difficult for women to connect with this beaten down demeanor. And guys are unsure of what to reveal, how much pain to admit to, or what to say when the woman on the dates asks for her needs to be met. When or if she declines sex on date #1, they mistakenly take it personally and turn her needs for safety into a personal rejection.

A broken heart is a broken heart and why dating is so hard for men isn’t just that guys don’t want to admit they’re in pain too, which would be an authentic truth, it’s that they’ve lost track of the self-confidence (not machismo bravado) that’s required to woo a woman to fall in love with them in the first place. And though they want a woman in their arms, any woman capable of healing a hurt man needs to know how to heal him, to begin with. She needs to know her place in the dynamic and she needs to be able to be his lover, not his mom, making sure her needs get fulfilled in the process as well. It gets confusing. He has to be able to trust her enough to let her and she has to know what she’s doing to help while he puts her safety first.

The fact is, most guys aren’t really ready for love in the state they’re in. What woman wants to jump into bed with a guy who may end up crying after sex? This is tough to write but very true. And even harder for guys to get. I say, “Welcome to the human race!” You’re designed to feel feelings and no amount of cigarette smoking, pot using, drinking or drugs is going to numb the pain of your divorce for as long as you need it to. At a certain point, the truth will come out. So let’s start speaking straight here.

Dating after divorce is really tough. 

Yes, transactional sex with any number of beautiful wo/men is available nearly any day of the week, in all its guises, paid and unpaid, in groups, alone, in public, in private. You can enjoy the transactional experience of sex at any moment your body needs to have it. It’s really not that difficult to have your needs met!

And if you wish to argue with me that that’s not who you are, that’s okay with me too. I don’t need you to prove to me that you’re a man of character. What I know about you is that you’re also deeply wounded and really and truly need time to heal and learn a new perspective.

If you’re dating right after a breakup or during your divorce, sorry, you’re setting yourself for a nightmare experience (orgasm or not).

That perspective, the life that you’ve been living while being married, and the man you are right after your separation, aren’t really healthy enough for the kind of relationship you’re so frightened to admit to wanting. On a certain level, we all want to be listened to and seen. But your pain, anger, frustration, and fears permeate who you are.

Pain, anger, frustration, and fears permeate every divorced woman’s heart and mind too, never mind all those single, young, beautiful women you think you want to be with. We are all dealing with inner conflict and fears.

I challenge you to become the great guy you know you can be. Make your dating life exactly the way you imagine it… do you want to be seen as kind, smart, successful, wise, handsome, sexy, a great lover, a handyman who can hold her, handle everything she asks for, and be her hero? Awesome! Go become that man and you’re right… women will be at your beck and call!

And though I know you’re already a great guy (with a broken heart) and though I know you can be an awesome, satisfying lover, what you’ve got to show a woman is that you can put her needs above yours. And in truth, that’s probably not the fact right now.

Right now your broken heart and confused mind need mending.

Right now, there’s a lot to figure out. Dealing with attorneys and learning how to be a single dad can be exasperating. Co-parenting with the person you don’t want to talk to is infuriating. Living on your own again isn’t quite as simple a transition as you once thought it might be. You’re still worried about your financial future. The gossip and drama blow up your phone.

What’s really going on?

How’s that new apartment feeling… is it homey enough yet? How’s the eating going, have you had to bone up on your cooking skills or are you spending a ton of money eating out? How much weight do you need to lose to find your six-pack? What about your health? Drinking more than usual? Using again?

Take a good hard look in the mirror and ask yourself, “How’s it going, big guy? Is she going to be able to see me and all I’ve got to offer at this moment?” If the answer is somewhere between “No and Maybe” you’ve got some work to do. So get to work!

A healthy, happy, delighted woman who’ll let you live your own individual life and be there for you as a monogamous lover, a friend, a confident and a muse needs you to be healthy enough to fall in love with. Anything short of that and she’ll be afraid to commit and to go deep.

Healthy women have a tough time trusting men in divorce… too many red flags are waving in between you and their dinner plate.

They’ve got you under a microscope and are plugged into their judgment more than their hearts or their pussies… again tough to write but very true. You had better realize that now before you waste more money on taking that cutie out for dinner. I mean, transactional sex goes both ways so you might just get lucky, but don’t expect her to want to hang around too much after she gives it away. (And if she does… be careful!)

It’s time to prove your dates wrong.

It’s time to admit that you need some new tools and a few new lessons. If you’ve read this far you know I care deeply about guys in general, not just you. But listen up… you want a healthy woman not the same kind of woman you were just married to. Nor the one who cheated on you, or the one you had to cheat on to implode the marriage. You don’t want another woman who’s using and running away from being in your life. If you want to date, you need to get what dating after divorce really is.

Dating is a chance to start anew. To re-rack and learn how to be the kind of man you’ve always dreamed of becoming. Is this a tall order? You bet! 

Is it required of you? All day long!

Ask some questions and figure out the answers you need. (News Flash: these are probably not the answers you’ve been getting from your best friend or the bartender down the street.) You need a new perspective. You need to understand what masculine and feminine energy is… not genitalia! You need to feel good about your role as a dad, a husband, a lover, a friend. You can’t mix up your needy sexual energy and your leadership or managerial skills at work (just watch the daily news to see how well that’s going these days). You want to disentangle your sexual prowess and your financial wins from any measure of character and self-worth.

Dating after divorce becomes a place for you to practice being the kind of man you’ve always wanted to be seen as. (The kind of guy you think you really are deep down inside.) However, you need to know how to become that man, to begin with. So seek some guidance. Enter into self-development (not just self-awareness); you’ve got to take what you know you did wrong, figure out new ways of doing things and then become fit at showing up that way.

It’s emotional fitness and intellectual understanding, not just the newest insight you have on how to date well. In other words, if you read an article that says, “a good woman won’t sleep with you on date #1” you might want to figure out her point of view and why that’s important instead of just a blanket expectation that you might have to KIIP (keep it in your pants) even though you’d like to use it. Are you with me? It is waaaaaaaaay more about male-female dynamics than it is about having an orgasm.

You just might want to learn what that’s all about and become the kind of man who can show up putting a woman’s needs first no matter how badly you’ve been hurt by the woman you just left. It might actually change the trajectory of your dating life. In fact, realizing that, is the first thing you need to get to make your dating life exceptional. Then you’ll be able to show up as the one to sweep her off her feet, make passionate love to her, and answer all her feminine desires. Leave a comment below…

doingDivorce School is open for applications for the October – December session. I am taking a limited number of men and women interested in recreating their love life and understanding this modern-day rite of passage. The difference is stark. You either use this experience as an opportunity to get what it really is or you end up repeating mistakes. After going through two divorces, I’m pretty passionate about making a difference. It will be a big change for you, it’ll also be incredibly worth it. Reach out http://www.doingdivorceschool.com/

How To Approach Dating After Divorce When You’re A Single Dad

Dads, after divorce, are earnest, eager to please, and a little unsure of how to begin the experience of coupling up again once children are involved. Their concerns seem more important than when they were without kids worrying: “Will she be good to me (and my children)? will she be even tempered? warm? spend all my money? will she love me as much as she’ll love my kids? how am I supposed to have good sex with my kids in the house?” Real concerns… real decisions. Below are 5 important tips on how to approach dating when you’re a single dad so you can be at your best – responsible for your own well being and those of the children you brought into this world.

  • Here’s a BIG secret: your sex drive does not make you a man – there’s nothing to prove to the right woman! So think of it this way…. If you think you need to have sex all the time, to prove to her (News flash: yourself) how good you are in bed; if you’re out seeking sex every weekend without wanting to select one woman and build a relationship just with her, then figure you’re not ready to bring anyone home to your children. Which is just fine! But then don’t. Don’t bring your girlfriends home to meet your children. Don’t bring your children to meet your girlfriends or to “hang out where they work.” Or, to coincidentally meet up with her and her kids at the park. Don’t do it…. children do not need to meet another person who’s going to teach them anymore about abandonment and broken promises.

The woman who you’ll want to be with and to build a relationship with wants to know who you are on the level of your character. (Yes, of course, she must be attracted to you and you must be attracted to her!) But she wants to know how safe you make her feel and thereby, will assess how safe you make your kids feel. It’s not about prowess in bed. It’s about feeling safe. When a woman feels safe, when children feel safe, they can relax. And a relaxed woman will easily please the man she’s dating. So figure out how willing and able, and ready you are to keep those you love safe. The rest will follow.

  • You may have this fear that you won’t be able to afford to date or you may be afraid of how to handle dating after an expensive separation. Having money to date is part of courtship (despite the changes in dating customs and practices these days.) For most men, being able to provide for their family helps define their masculinity. (No judgment on this if you’re a guy or gal who likes sharing the costs!) But having just wrapped up expensive negotiations and having to pay child support in the future affects guys who want to date or who want a bigger family. They’re unsure of how to navigate the ask, how to say, “I want to take you out for dinner but do you mind sharing the cost?” And they might not even ask.

This is where a little imagination and a lot of fortitude come into play. First off, you have to begin dating after your divorce to pair up again. You have to be able to handle dating again, you don’t just get to hang out at home in front of the TV and have sex, and then wonder why you’re not excited about the woman you have in your bed. (News Flash: be careful of that routine. That behavior = marriage habits, not courtship. And after divorce, while dating, you’re not married. So you must start courting again to find a new partner!) Dating usually costs money but doesn’t have to be over the top expensive and you don’t have to ask the woman you’re trying to impress to help foot the bill!

Where can you go that would be great fun and not cost that much? The beach, a mountain hike, a walk through a green market or shopping plaza? Grabbing an ice cream is relatively inexpensive, making it is even more fun! What about a picnic or setting up a BBQ while tail gating? Do you see where I’m going with this? Sure, your idea of dating might have been white table cloth restaurants and a movie in the past and those meals will come your way in the future if you desire, but the woman you want, wants your full attention not you, worrying about your Visa bill.

(Here I go again): your divorce is your rite of passage… you’re being forced to mature, to step into a future you haven’t yet lived (with more responsibility and more financial concerns than you may have had in the past). You must stretch. You are made of way more than you realize and amazing things happen when you focus on what you want. So don’t bemoan those bills, the child support, the maintenance. In other words, don’t feel sorry for yourself. (Those pity parties are not a turn on.) No apologies – you’ll figure it out! Impressing yourself will impress the right woman. So make your dating life enjoyable (not expensive) and get to know the woman you’re with!

  • You may not know where or how to start dating after divorce because, you may be afraid that your kids won’t be able to handle your dating at all and, you’d be right! Dating after divorce for a man with a child is difficult. Your children will not want to share you with another woman. They’re already having a tough time seeing you without their mom. Quite honestly… they’re afraid that you’re going to leave them too and a new woman is a real threat.

How you approach dating after divorce is truly very different than dating as a single man. You know that your children deserve a good woman and that means not seeing you all hopped up on sexual hormones hanging out with a sexy partner! They will see the distraction (your date) when they want and need your attention. They won’t be able to say this to you, they’ll just be feeling the feelings which will show up as a melt down, a temper tantrum; they may not want to visit on your weekends and they’ll sulk. You’ll feel they’re pulling away.

What’s happening is that kids sense the sexual tension coming from the man who gave them life and who, from their perspective, is there to keep them safe. They simply can’t handle the shift in your behavior. If instead, you force them to visit you and your new partner (which often happens) you’re simply teaching your kids that their feelings don’t matter. So be careful about that. But yet, I get it, you want to show your children how to give and receive love from another person rather than keep them focused on the bickering they’ve been privy to up until now. So you have a big job to do! Slow down, give everyone time, give yourself the time to adjust. Waiting a few months won’t change the years you have ahead of you with the right person.

  • Putting your kids first looks like finding them a woman who can step into her own sensitivity and power, able to show up for you and your children. You may be afraid that you have to put your kids first and decide to not bring a new woman into your life but then you recognize that you’re lonely and don’t want to be alone. That’s okay… loneliness gives you a chance to slow down and to figure out your new life while feeling feelings you’ve probably not felt in a long time. This period of time is an adjustment and is necessary to go through. It won’t last.

It’s important that the woman you find is kind, soft, strong, and secure. She’ll probably be one who’s worked through her own losses (be it the loneliness of not finding a partner of her own or her own divorce and fears about dating). She’ll probably be afraid to open up and to trust you, and she’ll be afraid of being hurt again. She’ll carefully negotiate the timing of meeting your kids and you, hers. (Remember, if you’re bringing your children around to meet each other too early, she’s not the one for your family!) Being afraid to be vulnerable is normal and natural for an empathetic woman. It pushes you into the role of provider and protector. As a father, you’ve become familiar with that role because you’re wiser and more in charge than when you were younger. So this is a really good thing.

  • How to begin dating may seem completely overwhelming. But sometimes the where or the how approach is super simple like “she’s the woman you’ve seen at your kids’ school events.” She may belong to your church or be someone you knew in the past. Internet dating sites are filled with good women looking for the right man.

There are no hard and fast rules on where to find a woman. Except for one… if you know her from your community (especially a school parent) don’t break up with her. That’s a mistake too many make and the embarrassment or anger will haunt you for a long, long time after the breakup. (Please take this advice as a strong warning!) But otherwise, the rules have certainly changed about how to begin and technology has made is so much easier to select the right partner. What you’re teaching your kids is to be discerning. The role you’re ultimately looking for is a part-time mother. She’s got a huge responsibility to share in raising your children; you may be helping to raise hers. The opportunity is a privilege, not an obligation. You’re not looking to buy a new sofa!

Contact Laura Bonarrigo

 

This is what you do to get started: Get yourself some healthy support – a men’s group, some coaching, a therapist, a parenting or church group. Put yourself into an environment where you will learn how to do a new relationship better. (As opposed to a group – including those online ones – hell bent on criticizing the opposite sex, the experience of dating or indulging your fears of the future.) You want to heal your pain and grow your courage. If you have to understand your finances or learn to live on a smaller budget, speak to your banker or financial advisor. If your heart needs mending, your hope restored, join a group to volunteer. Head to http://www.laurabonarrigo.com/scarlett-d-letters/ and join my Scarlet D™ Letters, you’ll get a weekly email with a head’s up on what to expect going forward with life after divorce. How to approach dating after divorce is truly up to you but my advice, do it well… the rewards will be amazing!

The 9 Pitfalls Of Dating After Divorce (And How To Avoid Them)

Sitting across from a guy on a date who’s going through a divorce, I can easily tell whether he’s only interested in f—cking me before the end of a meal. I can tell if he’s got serious, personal growth work to do or if he’s truly interested in getting to know me over several dates before we undress. It’s not often that I’m dealing with a guy coming from all three aspects at the same time. I get it and it’s fine for me because I understand men going through a divorce. I also know what I want and coach a lot of guys (so they don’t mess up with women). But for most women, that’s not the case. Guys, please listen up: you’ve got to get that when you’re going through a divorce, there are some serious pitfalls of dating that you all too easily fall into!

Pitfalls cover all categories of courtship: from wanting sex to wanting a future with a woman. And most women won’t patiently wait for you to learn what to do right.

So here we go!

Please manage your sex drive. Women know you’re horny, we get that you’re all stressed out and needing a release. You probably have some religious rules against taking care of yourself or you’re too embarrassed and afraid to hire someone to help, and besides, that’s not who you are… got it! However, women are not there strictly for your sexual needs to be met. Even when we’re horny too. The woman you want is not going to sleep with you on date #1. Seriously. Get that! Just this morning, I heard a single woman complain about an email some guy sent her about “his passionate need to have sex in the morning.” She’s never met the guy! Guess what… delete!

That date #1 hook up will feel great, she’ll be beautiful and horny, and into it (you). But neither of you stand a chance in the relationship department. Which might be just fine with you… however, the more you engage in meaningless sex, the longer it will take for you to disengage from your spouse.

I’m not saying, don’t have sex, just don’t think it’s going to go anywhere good if you hook up on your first night out at a bar after you’ve just moved out of your marriage bed. Know that hook ups have their place but they usually don’t end with warm and fuzzy feelings.

Know your desire for a beautiful woman is natural and normal. There is nothing wrong with a normal desire and attraction for beautiful women. You’ve been attracted to beauty since you were a boy and things won’t change now. However, women are people too. Not to get all political and such here, but how often do you look at your daughter like a piece of meat? (Don’t pretend that you don’t.) Now, how does that feel to think other men look at her that way?

We know what you’re up to and sure, we dress up to win your eye and like it when you notice, but sometimes beauty really and truly is only skin deep. And most of the time when you ignore the beautiful and good, healthy woman in the corner, she also knows that you’re trouble and will stay away!

That beauty in the size 4 skin tight dress may not be the healthy and available partner you’d like night after night. She may be a great ego boost for the short term, she may be great in bed, she may also be filled with STD’s and/or have a drinking problem. Remember, eye candy doesn’t always = safe. Safe women can spy an unhealthy man from miles away. So figure out who you want to be in the immediate and pay attention to the consequences of your actions later on down the road.

The woman you want needs a man who’s taking care of himself. It’s sweet to see some guy who’s going through a divorce not able to take care of himself. He’s the one who uses women to decorate his apartment or help him buy dishes at Bed, Bath and Beyond. He doesn’t know the first thing about doing laundry and flirts with a chick in the laundry mat to help him figure out the machines. It’s cute and it’s super annoying!

No woman can be your mother and your lover at the same time. You’re going through a divorce and it’s time to grow up. Any woman who volunteers to come to your rescue will bore you to tears within months of knowing her! Don’t be fooled by that “let me help you” attitude. It reeks of co-dependence and is a future headache.

Instead, learn to care for yourself. Figure things out. You can manage way more than you realize especially in this day and age when the information you need is at your fingertips. If you don’t know how to manage a home, learn. I assure you, women, worth your attention will find a man capable of making dinner way more attractive than one who can’t make his own coffee or fold his own clothes.

The girl you want doesn’t want to hear about your divorce, but will also put you under a microscope. I’m going to get real here – you are going through a divorce (or a breakup) and you’re dating. Hm… don’t you think she’s wondering why you broke up with your wife? Why your ex-kicked you out of her bed? Why you left her? Why you tolerated the crap you went through before leaving? You’re going to be under a microscope (unless she’s just using you for sex or your money or both.) Get that. Get that you are being evaluated way more than you’re sizing up the size of her waist.

No woman worth your attention wants a bad man. (News Flash: the taller, better looking, and wealthier you are, the more a good woman will be eyeing the facts.) At the same time, no woman wants to be your therapist! Just like some girl acting like your mom won’t be your lover; the date you use as your therapist won’t be turned on by your stuff. So change the subject, learn how to be curious about her. Who’s this woman you’re hanging out with? What makes her tick? What turns her on?

I guess that means, stop using women strictly for your own needs! And that then means, you need to find someone to talk to. Going through a divorce is tough. Hire a coach (who works with men!) Find a therapist. Speak with your church Pastor. Get yourself some help and be open and coachable so that you don’t make the same mistakes again. If you want a good partner in the future (and when the anger subsides, you will want one) then go heal. Grow. Stretch. Become the kind of man you would want your own daughter or your sister to marry. 

The woman you want isn’t going to tolerate your drama. I was at this event one evening speaking with this tall, handsome attorney. It was going great until he announced he was going through a divorce and had just had a fight with his teenage son. With that I asked, “Why are you fighting with your kids?” and I walked away. You see, I’ve got enough of my own drama to deal with, and definitely didn’t need his!

Remember, you will never outgrow the need for drama until you decide it’s not worth it. Figure out how to wrap up your divorce, get over the fighting and establish a new home, and a new relationship with your kids. These things take real time and maybe while you’re dealing with them, you’re going to have to get on the bench. Now I hear you… that sex drive is all up in my face. But honestly, you’re simply fooling yourself if you think drama is going to keep you and your new lady lover together.

Your drama – those fights, the arguing, the negotiating, the turf war and parenting plan, and asset allocation – have to be wrapped up before you will find the woman of your dreams. You’re simply too on it to find a good person to be with. You’re not actually being a good person while you’re caught up in your stuff. It’s really not fun to be around. Especially on a date!

The woman you want will not tolerate your lies. Liar liar pants on fire! Yep, that’s you, big guy – I’m talking to you! You know exactly what I’m referring to – the affairs you had, the cheating, the lying, the hiding of assets and money, your second apartment, and the “buddies’” vacation to Vegas. Women are not stupid. We may miss the signs for a bit, but the woman you want will not tolerate your lies. If she does, know you’re headed for another divorce or breakup in the future. You may get away with the image managing and false front for awhile, and good for you, but know that the future divorce will be way worse than the first and the self-loathing will get harder to face every day in the mirror.

Sociopathic and Narcissistic men usually don’t read my writing. So, if you’ve read this far, then I know you’re not one. But also know that white lies multiply and lying, in general, is addictive. You get away with that little lie and then you get off on the control. No woman, no date, no child can deal with your lies. It’s called betrayal and feels like shit. I know you know that. Remember that the next time you blow off one date for another or lie about what you did on Saturday afternoon. It’s time to man-up and grow a pair. Be honest. The world needs men who can be honest and good women want honest men.

The woman you want needs you to be an adult, not some freaky romantic guy who’s all mushy and in love on date #1. In other words, you do you and find out what she likes! Most women can’t handle that mushy stuff all at once. When you call us “darling” and “dear,” or send us heart emojis, you might not mean to be offensive but it could freak us out. We think you’re weird and needy, and creepy all at once. Be sure to find out if you may use those endearments before simply saying and typing them. We may not have grown up next to you and certain names and such might just turn us off. Some women believe, “real men don’t use emojis.” So find out!

You may also have a wonderful religious practice, want to praise and thank God every five minutes. That’s super cool and go for it! But if you’re dating outside your church or synagogue or place of worship, remember that other people won’t necessarily understand what you’re doing. Again, it would be best to ask if the woman you’re interested in is spiritual as well. Instead of assuming anything. Please learn how to ask! Please learn to ask permission. “No” means “no” when it comes to terms of endearment or God fearing language as well. Heed this warning or you may find her less excited to hear from you.

The woman you want is afraid to have you step-parent her children. These are primal concerns and statistically very real. It wasn’t until I heard the facts that I got why moms with primary physical custody, going through a divorce are in less of a hurry to marry again then dads. It has to do with our primal wiring and it takes a really, healthy, good man to overcome the innate need to be top dog in the pack.

Children need great parenting and stepping into the role of step-father is incredibly difficult. She is watching and testing; she cannot live with any inkling of fear that her children might potentially be hurt. If you’re considering dating a mom with kids (which I hope you are), know that those children need to see their mom being cherished and adored. They need a man who can mentor and advise them, not punish, put them down or abuse anyone in the family unit.

Being a step-father (or substitute father) is a tall order. There are good men able to rise to the occasion and provide for children not their own. If you’re on that track, in love with a woman who’s a mom, know this is truly the greatest responsibility you’ll ever face. Please get yourself the emotional support that you need. Make sure you know what you’re doing and learn how to do this role really well!

The woman you want has been hurt and is looking for kindness and care as much as sex appeal and passion. At a certain point, it’s important to remember that divorce is an adult sport. The woman you want is also mature enough to appreciate the experience which means, she’s not just out of college. You don’t want or need another divorce. You don’t want to hurt a future lover. Dating, when you’re hurt, is more difficult. It requires that you heal and wrap up the disappointment and start over. It’s not as easy as you’d like it to be. Pain and disappointment just don’t go away with a new lover.

The woman you want has probably also been disappointed in love. She’s had a broken heart and is just as wary as you are to get involved with someone new. That doesn’t mean she’s not available, just that you have to be clearheaded enough to know where you stand and be able to woo her. The courtship is different when you’re older (News Flash: you can’t date the way you did in your early 20’s even though you’ll try!) and the woman you want is totally worth growing up for!

I truly believe that finding love after divorce is doable. The opportunity is yours for the taking. Particularly if you’re one of the good guys! I truly believe you will find the love of your life. Especially once the “need for sex” gets out of your system… yep, hormones do eventually calm down. (Sorry, that’s science.) And then you’ll be left with yourself, your need to grow, your need to mature up and take responsibility, and your need for true companionship. I’ve given you some advice on the pitfalls of dating after divorce that clients and I have experienced while dating after separation. Now that you know, I can’t wait to see who you’re going to become!

Contact Laura Bonarrigo

 

If you’re having a hard time figuring out how to take care of yourself, reach out. I promise not to be too tough: laura@laurabonarrigo.com. Comment below and share this article with your buddies (so you don’t feel like the only one who gets it). Take to heart what I’m saying – you want to figure out how to date post-divorce so you can move on because the sooner you step into action, the faster this pain and the past will be wrapped up for you.