It gets a bum rap, this feeling called loneliness. It makes us think we’re unworthy of love, being loved, and loving another. The feeling of loneliness feels like the new badge of honor for a divorcé. It seems real and impenetrable when in fact, it’s simply a feeling. A passing moment. Something that you can manage, control, and overcome. Here’s how to stop being a cliché so that you can get on with your life, gather a new group of friends, find a new lover, and get your life moving. It’s time. Is loneliness the new badge of honor for a divorcé? Yes, it is! Loneliness is also the key to getting on with things.
Here’s to new beginnings!
Getting a re-do halfway through your life is a blessing in disguise. It comes with excitement, usually way too much drama, and a big ole kick in the pants. But a new beginning is exactly that… a new beginning. A chance to re-rack, sit on the bench for a bit, assess, decide where your values begin and boundaries end. I love new beginnings! In fact, I practice that each day of my life, never mind every hour, minute or even second is a chance for me to simply get my life moving in the right direction.
Call it what you will, after a breakup, all you have is a new beginning. And for that, we must celebrate.
So why the loneliness? The feelings of ennui, the fear of stepping into the unknown? Why does it feel like a cliché to be home, alone, feeling unwanted and afraid? Because getting a re-do halfway through means you’ve been through some life experience. You’ve had a bit too much drama even. Perhaps, you’re ready for things to quiet down so you can think…
This sort of shift in behavior feels different. It feels uncomfortable, unnatural (you were with someone else for a period of time weren’t you?) Of course it does! It sucks at times to be home alone, feeling sorry for yourself. (This is where that cliché comes in!) But just because those feelings of loneliness feel like a new badge of honor doesn’t mean you can’t handle them or that they are now the definition of who you are. You are not a cliché!
You are dealing with real heartache, real loneliness, real healing.
Take some time to feel the feels. Get in touch with that pain, the grieving, the loss. The more you do, the less time that loneliness will hang around. Seems impossible? That’s because you’ve made the passing moments of loneliness define who you are.
Loneliness Is The New Badge Of Honor For A Divorcé
Loneliness is the feeling that moves you out the door instead of the feeling that makes you stay stuck. You see, it’s simply not a fun feeling. It effectively challenges you and how you view your place at this time in your life. It’s that kick-in-the-pants kind of experience – the one that will make you, force you, to join an online dating app, go to the gym, call friends and invite yourself over for a holiday meal. It’s the catalyst to change. And for that, you bet loneliness is the new badge of honor for a divorcé!
Make your life happen to overcome your loneliness.
My home is quiet, calm, even a bit boring at times so when I sit at home, I get lonely. Fortunately, it takes two steps outside my building and I’m in NYC. Every day, every single day, I get outside my four walls. Since I work from home, this is mandatory. But even if I didn’t, if I worked for a company and had to be inside their four walls all day long, then my car or a commute, I would still get outside every day.
Getting outside forces me to make my life happen. You don’t get to stop living just because you’re feeling lonely. We often think we can’t do anything with this feeling but I believe we have way more power and control over ourselves and our loneliness mood than we believe we do. I have to believe in the possibility of growing. So, get outside. Make your life happen.
Once you commit to movement, anything is possible.
Enjoying that walk? How about a run… Like the people, you say hello to in the morning? Why not join them at a community event? Feeling confident with a little sunshine and exercise? Maybe it’s time to join that gym. Or the online dating app.
Taking action is the first step in overcoming any sort of ennui or loneliness. It’s really just getting out of your own way. (And walking away from the bag of potato chips you’ve got in the kitchen… for your kids, of course. Just sayin’!)
When I’m outside, my mind expands. The thoughts take on a bigger perspective. I do most of my best thinking walking Central Park and for those who follow my IG stories, you know I’m fascinated by trees and leaves. Silly but so useful for my head. And my heart. And my mood.
It’s way too easy to stay stuck in the cliché if we let ourselves.
I challenge you to start small and move away from the feelings of loneliness. To take that badge of honor and use it to move your life forward in the direction you want. Learn to expand your thoughts, not as a way to avoid feeling the feels but to put yourself in a bigger context. Your life will change. Inevitably. You get more control by actively participating in doing the changing rather than having change forced upon you.
You never have to stay stuck in loneliness.
You do have a choice even if that choice is uncomfortable. Asking for help or reaching out for company isn’t the easiest thing to do after having a ready-made playmate anytime you needed to be entertained. But now that you’re single, choosing whom to spend your time with is in your hands. There are no victims here! It may feel weird or different but those feelings will go away once you start enjoying yourself and doing something other than watching reruns on Netflix.
This is the time to make new memories, find new traditions, and build a new supportive group of friends. You’re now able to surround yourself with the kind of people you want to be with whether they’re into sports or cooking, traveling or books. You get to decide what kind of person you’d like to date even if you’re not ready for a serious relationship. And you’re the one who gets to choose how much time you need alone or how much socializing helps you feel connected.
Toss that badge of honor away. Let the loneliness pass.
Every time you move toward a new step out and about you shake off that loneliness. Each time you decide it’s more important to select high-quality entertainment, friendships, and activities, you’re the one creating a new life for yourself. And letting that cliché go. At first, it won’t be easy but as you become more and more comfortable with this new version of yourself, you’ll be grateful for experiencing loneliness. Afterall, it is the key to getting on with things!
Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach at laurabonarrigo.com. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit https://linktr.ee/laura_bonarrigo.